Rae Lewis-Thornton's Blog, page 3

#Doingit

I'm honored to have been asked to participate in the Center For Disease Control, Act Against AIDS newest HIV Testing Campaign, "Doing It." Donating your name and brand to a national campaign is no small thing. This is especially true, when you give someone else total control over how they present you to the public.


The best part of the campaign for me was the day long photo shoot working with two women that I love and respect. Charreah Jackson is the Lifestyle and Relationship editor for Essence Magazine. She also wrote the anniversary article on me for Essence, Dec 2015. Karyn Brianne Lee, is a Chicago girl and Co-Founder of Red Pump.



 I believe donating my time and name is worth it. Testing for HIV is important. What we know today is the earlier a person knows there HIV status and get in treatment, the longer you will live. In fact, early treatment for HIV could turn into decades of life. This is why testing is important.

The reality today, is about 40% of newly diagnosed cases of HIV are people infected by people who didn't know that they were infected. Testing can reduce new cases of HIV.

Join the campaign and be one of those #DoingIt Tag me on my Social Media sites after you have  tested  for HIV using the hashtag #DoingIt

 And if you see any of the billboards or adds in your city of Me, Charreah and Kayrn take a pic with it and post it on your Social Media site... Don't forget to tag me... I will repost on my Social Media Sites.

(I'm not sure which pictures of me they are using other than the tea party, even if's its only one picture, I'm wayyy excited, so be on the lookout.)

World AIDS Day!

 Good Morning Lovely's!! Today is World AIDS Day! A day of remembrance for those we lost to this disease. But also a day to fight stigma that blames and shames those living with #HIV world wide! It's a time to demand treatment for all and work toward ZERO infections! Tell someone you know with #HIV that you love and support them! Text, hit them up on Social Media, Call or drop by their house but just do it! #teatime ☕️ 
Join me live on Periscope today! I will be answering questions off and on all day.. You can follow me on World AIDS Day!Also my speech tonight at North Carolina A and T University will live stream on my Periscope http://www.periscope.com/raelt
Finally the best way to support me is to purchase a bracelet or my book! Everything is 50%off coupon code shop2015 http://www.rltcollection.com


Namaste #WAD2015 #aidsawareness #DivaLivingWithAIDS #aids

Join Me On World AIDS Day

Tomorrow, December 1st is World AIDS Day. People around the world will remember those who have passed from AIDS related illnesses and at the same time challenge, stigma for those living with HIV. 
I'm asking those who support me to paint your Social Media avatars Red... Help me in this fight... Help to create an environment where people can live whole and healthy with HIV. Help create an environment where people freely get tested for HIV, and talk to their partner about testing with out fear of judgements! Together we can change the climate of blaming and shaming! 
Feel free to use any of these images !! 

Black Friday at RLT Collection!

Everything at RLT Collection is 50% off coupon code; blackfriday2015 happy shopping http://rltcollection.com 

Charlie Sheen: And This Is What I Think!!

When actor Charlie Sheen said, "I'm not living in that prison anymore" I felt that deep in my soul.  It resonated loud and clear. I kept my own HIV infection a secret for seven years. For Real! My first seven years I only told 5 people that I had HIV, other than the men I dated. And even then I was afraid that someone would take my information and sabotage my life working at the national level as a young savvy political organizer.  I can image that being blackmailed is crazy madness. So, yes I'm glad that Charlie Sheen made this decision to step outside of that madness and disclose his HIV status. I remember when I disclosed my HIV status, it felt like tons of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders...

 Now, I'm not sure what my readers and supporters want me to say about all of this, but as usual, I'm going to speak the truth as I see it and know it to be.

1) It is a SHAME that in 2015, thirty four years, yes I said 34 years after the first documented HIV cases by the Center for Disease Control that a person still lives in fear of disclosing their HIV status. When are we going to stop shaming people who are living with HIV? Huh? WHEN? Even now, everyone has a freaking opinion about what Charlie Sheen should have done with his life. HIS LIFE! I'm sadden, not just for Charlie, but for all the people who reach out to me daily via Social Media that are living with HIV and are afraid to disclose their HIV status for fear of judgement. I get it, just by watching the reaction to Charlie today.

This shamming has created a vicious cycle, especially when it comes to testing for HIV. Who even wants to know their status in this climate of judging and lack of compassion.  Testing is critical, because 38% of those newly infected with HIV are infected by someone who does not know that they have HIV. So people don't great tested because of fear of judgement and they infect others unknowingly. Learning your HIV status late also means that treatment comes late. This is sad because studies, show the earlier you know the longer you live.

Furthermore, the fact the Matt Lauer even asked Charlie how he contracted HIV is some 34 year old "Good AIDS" "Bad AIDS" crap. First off, it ain't none of your freaking business how! Does knowing how change how you feel about him?  If it does, shame on you. All it takes is one person, one time.

2. Charlie admits that he has had unprotected sex, but that his partner(s) knew that he was HIV positive and was also under his doctor's care. People seemed to be outraged by this fact, like they fucking Charlie. *Blank Stare*  The problem I see is not Charlie, but the mass majority have not caught up with the medical advancements around HIV.

a) It is true that an HIV infected person with an Undetectable Viral load CANNOT infect another person with HIV. It does not matter, how many times they have unprotected sex, you cannot transmit HIV when your Viral Load is Undetectable.

b) Charlie said that his partner was also under his doctor's medical care. So I am assuming that just maybe the person (s) he was having unprotected sex with was also taking PrEp. Which is a once a day pill that will PREVENT a person from becoming HIV infected. That's a double positive people. You cannot infect a person if your viral load is undetectable and your partner can also take PrEp. These are medical FACTS! There is no BUT!

3) Charlie admitted having sex with prostitutes and in those cases he used a condom and also disclosed his HIV status. BRAVO! Now, I know people with HIV who use a condom  100%,  but do not disclose their HIV status. They feel, if their viral load is undetectable, why should they  have to disclose.  There are now doctors who share this same opinion. Personally, I think disclosure is the best policy, especially if the relationship grows. But at the end of the day everyone has to decide how they choose to live their life with HIV. I dare not judge another. So I say BRAVO that Charlie was upfront and honest.

Now, what's really jacked up in this case, is that someone took the information given to them for there protection and used it against him. Even sadder, is the climate  around HIV that creates an opening for someone to be blackmailed. If people didn't judge those living with HIV so harshly, those living with HIV wouldn't be afraid to disclose, nor would there be any room to blackmail a person. Yep, I came full circle back to STIGMA!

4) I cannot tell you where Charlie is in disease progression.  If I had known his T-Cell Count and his Viral Load when he was first diagnosed, I could give you a good guess on how long he has actually been infected. Once you start treatment, there is no way for a lay person to figure it out. That is information he and his doctor knows. I do wonder about the night sweats, which sounds like an AIDS Related medical issue, rather than an HIV. There are no HIV symptoms.

These are the facts as told by Charlie,

He has been infected at least 4 years
He is in treatment
His viral Load is Undetectable
He is on an 4 HIV medicine Cocktail ( BTW-So Am I)

5) Charlie is an addict. Addiction is not good for people living with HIV. First off, addiction has it's own medical issues, depending on your drug of choice. Secondly, alcohol and drugs can have an adverse effect on HIV medication. Even some over the counter  and alternative medications can effect the viability of HIV medication. So lets hope he is getting the help that is needed to control addiction.

6) Charlie talked about Manic behavior. It has been long speculated that he might be BiPolar. IF this is the case he will have an up hill battle. Mental illness can be a barrier to complying with medical treatment of any kind. Also, depression is very common among people living with HIV. I have also had an up hill battle with depression that requires me to both be medicated and see regular talk therapy.

Lastly, should he have disclosed, earlier. I think a person should disclose when they are ready. He spoke another truth "HIV are three words that are hard to absorb." I get that. It took me 7 years and I still only disclosed because I thought that I was dying. Well with a T-Cell count of 8 I was, but then I had a great doctor and I did what was asked of me, no matter how difficult it was. I have also been drug and alcohol fee.

I have some compassion for Charlie Sheen. Is he my hero, no. Hydeia Broadbent is my HIV hero, born with HIV, she became an AIDS Activist at age  6 and has not stopped well into her thirties. Sheryl Lee Ralph is my HIV activist hero, an actress who is NOT infected but made a decision to do speak out for the rejected and locked out.  YOU are my hero, those of you who follow me on my social media sites, read my blog, buy my bracelets because your support keeps me going, and growing, 32 years living with HIV.

I do however, think in an era where HIV is no longer a sexy topic, Charlie Sheen can help to open space for new dialogue. Charlie Sheen can use his money and his celebrity status to help. I mean really help. Does he have to become an AIDS Activist per say, no, but he can truly help. Shoot, I would love to partner with Charlie to speak at colleges across this country.

For sure there is still work to be done. Every 10 minutes a person becomes infected with HIV in the United States. Yes there is work to be done.

My hope is that Charlie Sheen will continue to get the needed help to live and thrive living with HIV.

Finess Stops Bladder Leaks!

I'm always pleading the case for women to take control of their bodies and health. It's a fact that no one will take care of you the way that you take care of yourself. But over the years, women seem to be stuck, especially when it comes to our bodies.

I think this culture of misogyny has impacted how we view, and even how we treat, our bodies. Equally important, it has created degrees of shame around our bodies when we should be empowered.

And I understand why, around the world our bodies have been used as a weapon against us. Our clitoris have been cut, we have been raped as political pawns, murdered for having premarital sex, married off  too young, and in the United States, our bodies have continuously been front and center as a pawn by our elected officials. No one should have the right to regulate what I do with my body.

Let me give you an example of the kind of shame women have around "female issues". I was at an event with a group of women talking about a new product on the market called Finess, I'll get more into that in a minute, and this brilliant business woman admitted that for years she couldn't bring herself to purchase her own tampons. How does a woman grow to be bold and awesome in one area of her life, but in one of the most important areas, live in fear of what people might think of her? I'm no different, you all know I kept my HIV status a secret for seven years because I was afraid of what people would think of me. Back when I was diagnosed, only "whores, gays and drug addicts got HIV" *Blank stare* Even Cosmopolitan magazine told women that they could have unprotected sex with an HIV positive man if their vagina was "healthy" and if they had "normal" sex, they could not get HIV. *blank stare*


I think most women have been at that place of fear and shame around their bodies one time or the other. How could we not be, living in a culture where we have been taught to be ashamed of our bodies and our sexuality. So when my girlfriend, and fellow blogger Dwana, asked me if I wanted to review this new product for and about women I said absolutely.

Now in full disclosure, when I got Finess in the mail, I was like they want me to put this thing where? But I had promised Dwana and Ann-Marie from the Boombox Network that I would participate, and my word is always my honor. But in real talk, I also needed the money that I was being paid to sample this product. So I pulled out my big girl panties, and tried Finess.

Let me give you the 411 on Finess. It's a revolutionary product, first of its kind, over the counter approved by the FDA to help women stop bladder leaks. Yep, a woman places Finess over her urethra and it actually stops her bladder from leaking. The technology is different from others, in that it's an non-intrusive product, which means, nothing is inserted inside of your body.  And unlike pads that only catch your urine, Finess actually stops you from leaking altogether.  Huh? Yes I said, you put it over your pee hole and it will prevent your bladder from leaking urine.




Bladder Leaks i.e. Urinary Incontinence. huh? Well, bladder leaks are common among women who have given birth and it is especially common among women making their way to menopause like me. But there are some women, simply experiencing spontaneous bladder leaks, you laugh too hard, you sneeze,  you cough, working out you feel a drop, you gotta go to the bathroom real bad and there's no place to go and a little pee leaks out. At one time or another, we have all been there, and if not, like grandmama use to say, "you just keep on living honey." I know since I've been going through this menopause thing, I have been experiencing more and more leaks. But I hadn't yet given any thought about how to control it, other than a pad, that is until now.

After two days of sitting on the counter, I got my nerve up and tried Finess. At the end of the day, this product is for and about making the lives of women better and for that you can always count me on board.
Finess is a sponge like form about 1 1/2 inch long and at the top widest part about the same. It's super soft with a little sticky adhesive on the back and you simply place it over your urethra, i.e your pee hole. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't give a lot of thought to where my pee hole is exactly, I just know it's somewhere near my vagina. So for me, I had to lay on the bed with a mirror and find it. LOL, but for real. 
Now you all know I'm a little slow sometimes, so it was awkward for me holding the mirror and placing Finess over my uthrea all at the same time, but after two tries I was successful. When we had the fireside chat with a group of women who had also sampled Finess, other women in the group had no problem at all, they just sat on the toilet or squatted and Bam! I was envious for real, because every time I used Finess I had to do it with a mirror.

The adhesive was a little sticky at first, but for sure it is safe. After I placed the Finess sponge I was acutely aware of it for at least the first 30 minutes to an hour. But after that, I forgot I even had it on until I actually had to use the bathroom and had to take it off.  Other women in the group said that they even forgot they had it on until they peeed and it fell off. All the women had different experiences with Finess. I had no irritation from the adhesive while wearing Finess or after I took it off. It was very comfortable and I had absolutely no bladder leaks.

Over all, I would recommend Finess to any woman who experiences bladder leaks. It's a non-intrusive way for women to control urinary incontinence. I'm always elated to see new products that give women the power that need over their bodies, so my hat is off to the team over at Finess. You can learn more on thier website.
Now, Finess is not sold in stores, you have to purchase it either from Finess Website or on Amazon for a trail it will cost $4.99. Here's a coupon code for 50% off for a 36 pack at Amazon, V23DVC72.  Click here to shop.
YESSSSSSS! I'm giving away a trial pack of six and shoot I'll even throw in a bracelet from RLT Collection. AlI you have to do it is make a comment on this blog post about what you think about Finess. Follow Finess on Twitter or Like them on Facebook and on October 19th, I will announce a winner on this blog. And y'all know you have to be following me. *blank stare* The hashtag is #StopBladderLeaks. 

I Need Them All to Go To Counseling and Get Tested On The Way!

Yesterday the sex life of pro football player Victor Cruz of the New York Giants was all over Social Media. I'm not sure how it got there, but since it's been made public I thought that I would give my two scents. First off,  all the parties involved need to come hear me speak. This is cra cra crazyyyyy dysfunctional, did I say crazy mess!!

Apparently Victor's finance Elaina Watley sent a group text to an undisclosed group of women letting them know that she knows they are fucking her man. *blank stare*
Yep, she went on record letting the other women know that she knows who they are and she thought it important that they all knew each other. *BAM* She was basically letting the other women know they ain't special. 
I had to really think about this one, and I was gonna hold my piece put ummmmm the woman that I am and with the work that I do, I couldn't let is pass.

First off, I certainly hope that Elaina did more than text the other women. I hope her first stop was with brother man with an ultimatum for counseling. No need to ask Victor to stop fucking around because she admits in the text that they have had that conversation countless times, so basically they need professional help if they are going to stay together.

I mean for real, for real. There's  a whole lot of unhealthy, dysfunction behavior on everyone's part and they honestly need professional help.

 If Victor is as committed to marrying Elaina as he has lead her to believe, then he needs to work out the "why"  he is publicly committed to one woman and privately fucking around not only with one woman, but ummm a group of women, which could mean two on the modest side or three, four or five on the high end.  He needs to work out why it's important for him to spread his penis so thin. I mean if he wants to be a "hoe pro athlete," he needs to have lunch with Magic Johnson to get some big brother advice. 
Secondly, if Elaina has decided to stay, which she probably has because not to many will walk away from the life style of a professional athlete and  most importantly, she probably loves him. And I think the text spoke volumes, of desperation to keep what she think she has. If this be the case,  she needs to get some help. Like some serious help. If she thinks she can control his penis by standing her ground with a bunch of other women she is entirely misguided.

I will bet my life that they all think there vagina is better than hers.

 I'm sure Elaina thought exposing him would change some shit. Girl bye! I mean, they certainly know about her. Victor takes Elaina to tons of public appearances, so the fact that he has a "main" woman and they still fucking him, ummm  If they were bothered by it, they wouldn't be fucking him in the first place, so they certainly ain't bothered by her text. That's some real talk.


And was this text suppose to change him? Girl Bye! She stated in the text that she has confronted him many times and if that didn't stop the man who says he loves her and committed to marry her from fucking someone other than her, what the hell was a text gonna do? I mean for real, for real.

 If Elaina was all of that to Victor, then he wouldn't be fucking around in the first beginning. Each time he lays down with another woman, he has disrespected her and has given the "other" women permission to do the same. He has basically sent a message to the other women loud and clear,"we can all disrespect her, I give my permission each time I poke my penis inside of you."
 Thirdly , and most importantly, a women can't control a man's penis unless it's in her pocket all of the freaking time... So ummm she needs to go back to point one and two, if she wants to work through the disrespect then they both need professional help cause if things were going to change they would have long before she sent the text.
Now I'm not getting ready to blast one woman for messing around with him. This isn't about disrespecting Elaina per say, but about self-respect. At the end of the day you can't expect a person to respect another person, if they don't respect themselves.

I must ask, why would any woman waste her pretty on a man that is publicly engaged to another women? They need to go to counseling too, cause this seems like it might be a self worth issue rooted in my pussy is better than yours and if I prove it I just might become the main woman Girl Bye! Pussy is Pussy.

At the end of the day, EVERY woman should want more for themselves, including Elaina. When are we as women going to live the life that demands respect of our, mind, body and spirit? 
Lastly, and most importantly this is some messy shit of who's zooming who   and that's how sexually transmitted diseases get passed from one to the other. I hope they are  using condoms, like  for real. Cause 38% of newly infected cases of HIV are people infected by people who didn't know they even had HIV.... Go Get Tested!!!!

 And y'all always asking me why black women have more HIV, then any other group of women. Now you see!!!!
  
And then there's Herpes. Black women also bear the brunt of the herpes cases among women at 48%. *sigh* We can change this by changing our behavior!

 And speaking of herpes, y'all do know that  you can have on a condom and still transmit herpes, YEP!

Herpes is transmitted through contact  to contact, so even if he has on the condom but the sore is on his balls, where his balls touch the outside of her vagina during sex, is where herpes will land. And vice versa, if she has a sore on the lower part on her vagina or her vulva you run the risk of infection. And then there's HPV and most women don't even know they have it. This isn't about blaming or blasting women, this is about some real talk about sexually transmit diseases and how they get spread. If we want to reduce the cases of STD's then we need to take some responsibility for our bodies when and wherever we can. 

And then there's some super bug of Gonorrhea that will take your ass out of here quicker that AIDS and Syphilis has been on the raise since forever. 
So while everyone is staking clam to one penis, I hope someone thought to put a freaking condom on it! And if not, I hope that what they think they know is true, but I gotta say,with all this fucking and lying, everything would be suspect...
At the end of the day, he could give them all something  and they can pass it on to there main man, cause some side chicks do have a main man.

 Or one of them could give him something that he gives to all of them and no matter how you slice it we got a big ass public health mess. 

So there you have it, my 2 cents!  I just wanted to give my perspective, in case  any woman  saw this crazy ass shit and thought that Elaina had done some dope shit by sending that text. Actually she did some desperate shit. And for me, a man that drives me to desperation is not worth five more minutes of my life.  I would prefer to be alone without compromising my self worth then to have a millionaire sleeping in my bed, destroying my spirit every chance he gets . *in my auntie voice* I Need Them All to Go To Counseling and Get Tested On The Way!

Monday Reflection: Get Up From The Table When Shit Is Being Served!

Everybody got some "thing" going on in their life most of the time, if not all of the freaking time.

Some "things" cannot be helped, like an illness you didn't see coming. Like last year when my Sophie was diagnosed with cancer on Wednesday and on the following Monday I had to put her down.

 Like a job that ended unexpectedly, death in the family, someone hitting your car, without stopping and you are left with the task of getting a new one.

Like a person betrays your trust and your life is changed without your permission. Like recently I met a guy who had been in a monogamous relationship for five years, so he thought. After a few years of condom use, he let his guard down and now he is living with HIV. Just that quick, someone else made a decision to do something with their life and it changed both lives.

While some "things" are out of our control, there are "things" in our life we help create. Like that boyfriend that continues to disrespect you whether it be small or big, (by the way a lot of small adds up to big)  yet you just keep hanging on. Like the friend who treat's you like shit, but you keep sitting at the table where the shit is being served.

In both of those cases the fist time was on them, but everything after is about how you decide to deal with it. When shit is being served and you hang around, you tell that person, just by your presence that its O.K. It does not matter what comes out of your mouth. Action always speaks louder than words and your participation creates that "thing in your life, i.e. the stress and chaos.

Now, there is some "things" we can avoid altogether, like when you have just enough money to pay your bills, but you purchased that new "thing" that you convinced yourself was ok, instead of paying all of your bills  and now you're stressed cause the bills are pass due. I know how this can be, a couple of months ago I broke one of my cardinals rules "don't spend money that I don't have in my hand."

It does not matter that I'm expecting money to come in, I just don't over extend myself on the front end anymore. I learned that lesson so many times and I know better. Well, my fur needed to be repaired and put in storage. The furrier wanted upfront money that I didn't have. Because he respects what I do for a living he allowed me to pay installments.

I made a commitment  to pay something that day, which I did; Pay something the following  Monday because I was expecting a check that Friday and then to have the bill paid in full by the end of August. Needless to say, that check didn't come in for over a month and then everything that could have gone wrong did, and I lost control.

First off,  it made me look like a lair and  because my word is my honor I became stressed trying to keep the commitment that I had made.  I gave him money that should have gone to other bills, just to keep as much of my commitment as possible. You talking about stresssssssseddddd OMG!  Just waiting on money to come in became stressful.  And to make matters worst, everything I thought would happen the way I thought it would happen, didn't.  Even paper work to process a check got crazy and I got crazier.  This was a two month long drama that I had caused. I should have taken my fur back home until I had the money to pay for it.

Yep, we all got some "thing" going on in our life whether it's of our own making or not. At the end of the day though, it's not about the "thing" per say, it's about  how we deal, what we learn and what we do next. You all know that Sophie's death sent me into a serious year long depression. I was in it before I even realized it, but once I accepted that truth, I started the hard work of climbing out of that darkness.

 No, I didn't look for the light at the end of the tunnel to rescue me, I started crawling in the darkness searching for a way out of the tunnel. Sometimes you have to do the important work in the darkness.

Even in the fur situation, I had to accept the reality. I didn't have the money, I broke my word to the furrier and all that I could do was make good as soon as I could. Those last two weeks before I paid him off, I decided to buy groceries instead of giving him all that I had. Lesson had been learned, don't break that cardinal rule again for something as frivolous as getting a fur repaired.

You can't always change that "thing" in your life, but you can determine what happens at the end of that "thing."  Like the guy who ended up with HIV. He said after some destructive behavior of his own, he literately uprooted and changed his environment. Today, he is living the best he can with what he has to deal with. Ex-Boyfriend gone, no more binge drinking, he accepted HIV because it ain't going anywhere. He's taking his medication, his viral load is undetectable and he has excelled at work in the last year, more than he had in the past 5 years.

I don't think life is about the "thing" that happens to us, the "thing" is just the middle, its what happens at the end of that "thing" that helps to shape who you are.  It's about finding yourself, finding your voice and even finding your purpose.

As you go through your "thing" remember it's not about that "thing" it's about how you deal with that "thing."

No matter how difficult it might be, you have to get up from the table where shit is being served, whether it's your shit or someone else's.

My depression hit me hard, but I decided it didn't have to hit me forever. I got up from the table and started working with professionals that could help me, help myself. That's how you live your best life. You take charge of those things that you can. You don't let that "thing" control your life forever. With every "thing"you have the power to empower yourself, even in the darkest of "things."

Stop Blocking The Next Chapter of Your Life!

I took an unexpected vacation from blogging. No, it was not health related. My emotional and physical health is great. It's just that I've had so much work to do in other areas of my life, that blogging took a back sit. Be clear though, while on this blogging vacation, I realized that I LOVE blogging and I've missed it like I miss bread when I'm doing my Paleo diet, LOL but For Real. 

Yet, I also realize that you sometimes have to step back so that you can move forward. Sometimes you have to let go of somethings in order to grab onto that other thing hanging in the balance. If not, you risk it all tumbling down. You can only hold so much in your hands and that's an undisputed fact. And while it all may be important to you, there's nothing in the book of life that say's you cannot put it down and then come back to pick it up.
So I've  been plugging away and even at times simply muddling through with the edits on my memoir Unprotected. (Thanks for the pre-orders)  I'm still planning to release it December 1, 2015, so I suspect the next couple of months I'll be really super single focused. I'll try to get a blog or two in weekly. 

I'm in hump time and it needs to be finished. It's like one of those things you just have to do. It's like when you are at the end of a wonderful book and you're sleepy, but you can't put it down. I have that urgency in my spirit, I gotta finish! There is closure at the end of a good book no matter the outcome. You can sit back and say, "WOW, But, How-come," and to me that's the thing that makes a book good, it leaves you thinking. And the best part, once it's all done, you can pick up yet another good book. And the new book, gives you something new to think about
That's how I feel about my memoir, I need to finish this era of my life so that I can start writing the new book. Maya Angelou did just that. Most of her books where memoirs of different era's of her life. Now I'm not saying that I'm writing a new book, who knows what the future holds. I am saying metaphorically it's time to write this book, tell that story and move to the next phase of my life.
Even though I know all of this, I've still been paralyzed. I think that this paralysis is caused by the fullness of my story and the things that need closure. Like who infected me with HIV; Who molested me as a child; My dysfunctional relationship with my white biological mother and my black step grandmother, who raised me; How I dealt with homelessness at 17; My work on the Jesse Jackson presidential campaigns; How my childhood lead me to HIV; that marriage of mine; and of course how God undergirded my life, despite my life. 
The fact of the matter, finishing this memoir brings a certain kind of closure to parts of my life. I get that!!! Finishing this memoir will break the chains of my past and render it powerless over my future.

And just maybe I've been stuck on the edits because of the fear of my past being so public. And that in turn  is controlling my outcome, my future. Another fact, I've been so authentic and transparent up to this point, I know that I can't let this fear block the best of my gift, that is, being able to tell my story in a way it enriches the lives of others. I can't be chicken shit now that I done told you all the other stuff.

At the end of the day, we all have things that we are  holding onto that we should have let go a long time ago. Like that man you should have unfollowed on Facebook or that "sometimey" friend who's pictures you should have stopped liking on Instagram like yesterday. 
I don't know about you, but I don't want anything to hold me back from what's next. Whether it's physically or emotionally, I'm trying to be my best me. So I'm going  to bunker down these next two months and finish my memoir. 
I understand that you have to do what's necessary to break the chains of your past. Sometimes adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse write their abusers a letter and then burn it as a way of releasing the abuser hold over them. I know they tell people in recovery to remove themselves from people and places that facilitated their addiction. Maybe moving on means, accepting a marriage proposal from a wonderful man as a way to  let go of what went wrong in your last marriage. 

I don't know what you have to do in your own life to move forward whether you have unfollow, delete, write it out, burn it out, accept something new and wonderful even if you can't predict the outcome, but I do know, as long as you continue to hold onto the past, you are placing limitations on your future. And as sure as you are reading this blog, God has a next for you. But in the end, it's up to you to embrace it. The bible says that you cannot put new wine in old bottles. Stop blocking the next chapter of your life by holding onto what was.

God Always Has A Next!

What I know for sure is that God always has a next! I have believed this since I was a little girl being told I was never gonna be shit. Even back then after every unjust beating, I continued to have hope for something better than my right now.

In time I learned, if I just kept holding on, there was something new for me. Now, it didn't always amount to the the things I wanted most, for the abuse to stop, but there was always something to make life worth living. Like the black theatre company, Thunder and the choir, Project Advancement Gospel Ensemble in high school. Those things were a joy to my soul and gave me a place to be other than my home.

Now, for sure it wasn't just about waiting on next, but putting myself in the right places at the right time. Sometimes we wait on next like it's going to fall in our lap, when in fact you may need to get off your ass and get to next. For example, I had to at least go to the information meetings about the theatre company and choir when I was in high school. I had to act on my own behalf.

I could have allowed the pain of my home stop me from living, but I choose to keep moving, keep searching for a better life. I believed that I was better than what my mother said I was and I went searching for better. The choir and theatre company gave me not only a respite from the chaos at my home, but a place that could nurture my self-esteem.

What I'm saying is this, it's about believing, but also about doing something in your right now. Why complain about something better, when you ain't doing nothing better?

I've carried that belief into my adulthood, no matter how bad it may seem in my right now, I  kept on pushing to see what God had next for me. At my lowest moments with AIDS, I kept this belief close to my heart. When my T-Cell Count was as low as 8, I was crisscrossing this country speaking and giving voice to the voiceless.

If I had allowed the hardship of my disease control my life, rather than continue on my life journey, I would have never met my BFF. I didn't know then that the sixteen year old who introduced me at the Jack and Jill Event in Knoxville, TN would turn out to become my ride and die years later. But what I know for sure, if I had stop living my life purpose because my t-cell count was 8 and stayed home and withered away,   I would have never crossed Luke's path. God sent me someone from an unlikely situation to have my back on this journey years later. You never know what is happening in your right now that will be a part of your next. This is way you have to keep pushing through the right now. 
It's like that with every single thing. You never know what tomorrow will bring. I understand that when you are going through, it seems like it's never going to end. For those who have been following my story you know my ordeal with herpes and IV medication. It started out once a year, then every six months and then for almost two years I had to go on IV medication every three months. I was at the end of the road emotionally. 

My doctor had exhausted every medical idea possible to control the herpes to no avail over a seven years period. But I just kept on pushing through occluded veins and failed pic lines and extreme side-effects. I never stop living, there were times I took my IV medication on the road with me when I had to speak. I didn't know what my future looked like, but as long as I woke up in the morning, I believed I was still a part of God's earthly plan.

I continued to let God use me through speaking, blogging and social media.  When I think about all the emails and private messages I have received from people who have been touched by my ministry. I understand, that living in the right now, isn't always about me, but about how God will use you. Even if it's simply to bring a smile to a stranger on the street with an hello. We all have a purpose. 

 Today, it's been an year since I've had herpes and needed to go on  IV medication. The saying is true, man plans, then God laughs. My doctor had even concluded that there was nothing to be done and now we are both looking like WOW.  I'm saying look at God.  Baby, just keep on living and watch God blow your mind. 
 I know life gets hard sometimes for us all. Your issue may or may not be HIV. But I'm a living witness if you just keep on believing and keep doing, no matter how futile it may seem, God will always have a next. It may not be the next thing you want, but it's the next thing that will bless you. Let me pause and say, don't turn your nose up you what God has next for you. Our blessing come in many shapes and forms, but what I know for sure, is that God always has a next!