Rae Lewis-Thornton's Blog, page 6

The Case of Mike Brown #Ferguson #MikeBrown

I have to admit, when I first saw the picture of Michael Brown laying in the middle of a Ferguson street, my first reaction was, 'Here we go again." Then my impulse was to say, "But what about black on black crime?" and I said as much in a Facebook post that I have since deleted. I'm the first to admit when I am wrong no matter the context. For sure my frustration with Chicago's violence is not an excuse for insensitivity of anyone's death, no matter the circumstance.

Then I turned to Twitter and everything changed. The tweets on Michael Brown's death and the police standoff was all consuming. I got sucked into the hashtags #Ferguson and #MikeBrown. Black Twitter had taken up the case of Mike Brown and was demanding  justice. The  images coming out of Ferguson from tweets were powerful. The "RT" re-tweets were massive and have been non-stop since Mike's death. Mainstream media are now admitting that Twitter broke the real story and brought worldwide attention to the murder of this young man. Can you image Palestinians tweeting residents of Ferguson on how to handle tear gas? Twitter has that power.

To catch you up to date based on the information that I have today. An 18 year old, unarmed young man by the name of Michael Brown was shot by police officer Darren Wilson, who has been a member of the mostly white (50 of 53) police department of Ferguson for 4 years.

Michael and his friend Dorian Johnson where walking down the middle of the street when Officer Wilson asked the boys to get out of the middle of the street. According to Dorian, they had a few words, Officer Wilson pulled off, then backed up. After trying unsuccessfully to pull Mike Brown into the car through the window, Officer Wilson then got out of the car and started shooting. They started running after the first shot.  Two additional eye witness confirms the story of Dorain that Mike Brown, eventually stopped put his hands in the air and Officer Wilson continued to shoot. A preliminary autopsy was released today, indicating that there were at least 6 shots to the front of the body with 2 being to the head.



Tensions rose to an all time high after the police let Mike Brown's body lay in the streets for 4 hours and a good portion of that Mike seemed to have been uncovered. His mother, father and family looked on in horror. This video says it all. (warning, the language is graphic)



Tensions rose and eventually led to a stand off with black members of the community and the Ferguson police draped in military gear before any outside intervention. There was a standoff for four days that erupted into a riot, tear gas, rubber bullets and arrest. The press had given Michael Brown's death almost no coverage until two reporters were arrested. Most of the news was coming from Twitter. In fact, through Twitter news outlets learned of the journalist arrest.

Ferguson is in turmoil and adding to the fuel was the police departments handling of the case. In addition to the blatant disregard for the protesters, it took nearly a week to disclose the name of the officer  and then from a Freedom of Information request.

Officer Wilson Picture was released by Yahoo NewsWilson's name but not his picture was released on Friday in the back drop of information about Mike Brown that had no bearing on his murder. This created even more tension on the ground in Ferguson and Twitter exploded dissecting Chief's Thomas Jackson statement and calling out the hypocrisy, forcing him to have another press conference that afternoon clarifying the press conference that morning.

All eyes are on Ferguson as the protest and clashes with law enforcement continues. As I write this blog post, the National Guard is rolling into Ferguson to restore order, peace on the other hand, can only be restored when the murderer of Michael Brown is brought to justice.


Me, well I have lots more to say about my life  and HIV/AIDS for sure, but right now I have lots  to say about the micro topics surrounding the death of Mike Brown and the situation in Ferguson. More blog posts are forthcoming. On Friday I wanted to tweet my usual #FuckinFriday hashtag focusing on HIV prevention, but was virtually paralyzed. What could I say to young people about safe sex in a society where their life is not valued and right wing, racist trolls are seeking out the hashtag #Ferguson and tweeting that Mike was just another koon?

HairFinity!! Putting It to the Test!

My New Weave Look!It is no secret that I wear weave. I've had a lot of hair drama over the years. My hair had been long. Then I cut it off and wore it short for many years. Then it just wouldn't grow back to my original length. Then I weaved it for a year, going back and fourth to Ellen Lavar in New York and hanging out with Luke in the meantime. In that year, it grew back to my original long length but it also grew gray. Listening to the choir, I colored the gray. With the relaxer and color, it was just to much for my hair. Over months, I painfully watched, my hair fall out in the sink, in my hand and in my comb.

Then two years ago, I got my hair weaved by Trayce Madre and it has grown, surpassing my original length. Today, for the most part, I have pretty healthy hair and all of my relaxer is gone. Yep, I'm natural under my weave. Weave has been a protecter to allow my hair to grow without all the heat from blow drying and curling.

Me and Tymeka creator of HairFinity at BlogHer
While at BlogHer I met the owner of Hairfinity. Now I have to be honest. I have seen their Intsagram testimonies and I didn't believe the hype. Tiara and I have had a few conversations about this hair vitamin that claims to help your hair become healthy and grow. So when I saw their booth at BlogHer I stopped and told them what I thought. You know I'm never short of opinions and they met me word for word. LOL! But no, they were really nice about it. Read about how it works here.

I had a couple of conversations with the women working the booth at Hairfinity. One who is a breast cancer survivor. She cut her hair when she started chemotherapy. She told me that  she wanted to have control, rather than surrender it to chemotherapy.  She has been taking Hairfinity for a month and I was honestly impressed. She had more hair then I would have thought.

Another woman working the booth lost all of her hair in a car accident. The accident disfigured most of her face and her hair and hair line was virtually gone. I saw the pictures for myself. You talking about her life as a miracle, just the facial reconstruction alone was remarkable. Honestly, I just couldn't see how any of her hair would grow back after her cousin showed me the pictures and pointed to the woman in the picture standing a few feet away from me. "She's been on Hairfinity for two years," her cousin said. I was impressed again.

Now, you all know I'm not easily impressed but they had me eating putty out of their hands the next day when I met the owner. I thought this product was straight out of China. Wrong!! If Hairfinity wasn't impressive, Tymeka Lawrence the creator and owner of HairFinity certainly is . This soft spoken chemist is a very gracious hand-full of dynamite! At fifteen she became pregnant with her daughter, but didn't let it stop her. She not only finished high school and college, but went on to receive her masters degree.

Kloe Kardashians at BlogHer14O. K. they had my attention, and not because celebrities like the Kardashians use the product but because of the testimonies and the ingenuity of Tymeka. Since 2006 she and her husband run Brock Beauty from Slidell, Louisiana.

Sooooo, I'm putting HairFinity to the test for a year. Now my hair does grow when I'm wearing weave and I have no intention of stopping. Love weave, it's just far easier to manage than my natural hair. Now prior to HairFinity, I've been marking my growth every three months when I get my weave redone. That's what I intend to do with HairFinity. I started taking the hair vitamin last Monday. In full disclosure, they did give me a three months supply at BlogHer so that made it easy for me to get started. I gave one month to Tiara to get her started. I felt like I had nothing to lose, but I will be purchasing the rest for the remainder of the year.

I am particularly concerned about my edges and the part of my hair at the very top that I leave out each time I weave so that I  have a natural look. Those parts of my hair tend to grow a lot less then the hair braided under the weave.

I will have three markers in this one year. 1) Overall growth, compared to last year with weave 2) Growth of my edges and the very top that is not weaved  and 3) The overall health of my hair.

I will check in every 3 months. I hope it works because I'm really rooting for Tymeka Lawrence and Brock Beauty. I'm so glad that they came to BlogHer or else I would have never put the product to the test.

Now in fairness, I do take a lot of medication and medication can impact the growth of your hair. My side kick, Tiara also started it last Monday and she will be my other marker. She also has some tough to grow areas in her hair, especially her edges. I can't wait to see her results. We are both giving Hairfinity a year. At the end of the day, the ingredients in HairFinity are a mixture of vitamins so I feel that its safe, but as always a person with health issues and on a any medicine regime should consult their physician before venturing off. The bottom picture is my natural hair one month before I got my current weave. Now let's watch it grow.

Natural Hair Diva!

On Line Dating Huh???

The other day I Googled dating to get pictures for a blog post and the images that popped up were all of some sort of reference to dating on-line. Like for real, for real, so many pictures came up with computer images with hearts that I rechecked to make sure that I had actually searched dating, or that some sort of auto-correct hadn't led me to online dating. LOL!

A while back you may recall that I blogged about dating and told you about a dating site for people with sexually transmitted diseases called Positive Singles. I talked about being lonely and wanting to date in that two part series. I tried that dating site and while it didn't work well for me, I know someone else who gave it a try and it worked just fine. I think my deal breaker was that I said in my profile, "I'm very public about both my HIV and herpes status." I'm sure most people are on those sites because it's easier to disclose to someone in the same situation, which was my reasoning for joining and blogging about them in the first place. Yet at same time, a person living with a sexually transmitted disease may be struggling with stigma issues. My publicness is not a comfortable place for someone who is living in secret.  I mean, I am infected and I talk about it to everyone who will listen. I'm over  stigma. I'm just waiting on the rest of the world to catch up with me. The other thing, I met Mr. Handsome around the same time I signed up at Positive Singles and I've never been the type of woman, to spread myself thin, so I just deleted my no action account. 
Speaking of Mr. Handsome, I met him online of sorts. It wasn't a dating site but for sure it was online and he knew he was approaching a woman living with HIV/AIDS. It didn't work and that doesn't make him a bad guy, or how we met bad, it just didn't work. Somethings we ought not add value that doesn't belong. So here I am again, alone and sometimes more than others, lonely. 
Meeting guys is an uphill battle for me. Mainly because I spend a lot of time by myself. If you don't go any place you can't meet anyone, a former therapist would always tell me. In full disclosure I will admit that I kind of have "only child syndrome." I like spending time with myself. I've never been one of those people who needed someone to have dinner with or to entertain me. Shoot, I can play monopoly by myself. I got skills! LOL 
Other barriers for me when it comes to meeting men, and going out, is that I don't drink and I hate bars. So what's a 52 year old woman living with HIV/AIDS in the public sphere to do? The hell if I know! I have been wondering though if I should try some of these social dating sites. Not a paid site or anything. I'm not paying anyone to help find me a date. At least I'm saying that today. 

I have a friend that does one free site and have actually gone on a date here or there. But I'm not sure if I have the patience for men winking at me. Like really, I don't know how to make small talk. Everything is always so serious for me. Everything has meaning. I don't see much in life as neutral. This is another reason why friends male or female, dating or otherwise haven't always worked out well for me. I never seem to give it a break, that is life on life terms. Not too many topics seem to be causal for me. Tiara and I go through this a lot, she mentions something and I always have a lecture to add onto the passing topic. 
Okkkkkkk, so what is a woman who sees everything in black and white to do? Should I go ahead and give one of these dating sites more then a week? Again, in full disclosure, I even downloaded an app on my iPad about 2 months ago, but after a week of winks I just deleted the app. Maybe it was timing. I joined the site about 2 weeks before I went back on IV medication and had the Lipo procedure. I was in so much pain and discomfort winking and small talk was not appealing to me.
This online dating/ app thing seems to be the trend. Now I'm still nervous and cautious about these sites. There are sociopaths in this world and dating sites are great turf for liars, but shoot, I've also met liars in church, from the pulpit to the pew.

Maybe I should put my big girl panties on and give one of these sites more than a week or two. I guess I will never really know if I don't give it an honest try. It may at minimum give me something to do other than mope. It will for sure be interesting to see how men approach an HIV infected woman who happens to blog about her life. Or should I even say that I'm HIV Positive in my bio? In past I've siad that I was an AIDS Activist. I signed up for a free weekend trail of Match.Com about 9 or 10 years ago and one brother figured out who I was just by a couple of messages. Google is not my friend. LOL!  Well if I join one of these social dating site, it will definitely give me something to blog about. It may even render a favorable outcome. I don't know for sure, but what I do know is that I will never know, if I don't give it a try. 

More Than My Vagina....

I broke my virginity two months after my 13th birthday. Looking back I'm not sure that I really wanted to have sex. Truth be told, at that time I didn't even realize what I was doing. All I really understood at the moment was that I didn't want James to stop liking me. I wanted the attention that he lavished on me to keep coming, and coming and coming, just like he did every time he got his 19 year old penis inside of my young vagina.

I didn't even particularly like sex, it would take another 3 years for that level of understanding, and a man by the name of Randy, for me to have that appreciation. What I did like was the attention that sex brought me. Sex with James meant that I had someone just for me and about me. I liked that James liked me and my young mind thought if I kept giving him the sex that he would like me forever. That is, until he took my girlfriend in the same room he had taken me. 
I sat stunned as she giggled her naive self right into the spot that I had been in the days before. As the door shut, his super fine, just as fine as he was cousin looked me straight in the face and said, "You gonna let them get away with that"? He reached for my hand, "I'm better," he claimed. I got off that sofa as fast as I could. By the time I reached the side walk tears fluttered my face. What I felt was a sense of lost, not one of anger.
I knew instinctively that I had lost two people that day, my boyfriend and my best friend. Mama had taught me one thing by the time I was 13, people are who they are. I didn't have the benefit of Maya Angelou's famous quote, "When people show you who they are, believe them." I had Mama and what I knew about her from the earliest was the same that I knew on day 13, that people is, as people do. On most days I didn't like the way Mama treated me, but I had no escape. With other people I understood that I didn't ever have to stay where I was mistreated.
What I didn't learn from my first sexual encounter was that available pussy, and even good pussy, didn't make a man stay, love, or respect you. I remember my last guy, Mr. Handsome. He said to me after a weekend together, "You know you can take some dick". Ha, the pussy didn't make him want to give a relationship half of a chance. That is a fact! Pussy does not make a man stay.  

What I  know now that I didn't know in my younger years is that a man wanting a relationship with you, or not with you, ain't always about you, it's usually about him. The most respect I have for Mr. Handsome is when he realized he preferred single over commitment, he was honest enough to admit it. The best thing I did for me, was to listen. I blogged about that once, when women hear but don't listen. Women could save themselves so much heartache if we accept what is, rather than pushing what we want it to be. I'm not the casual kind of girl. I gave that up. As a result,  I don't put myself in a casual position. 


But for years I thought  if I could whip "it" on him, he would love me forever. Then, for even more years, I though that my pussy must be magical.  I mean men still wanted me with HIV. This narcissistic, rooted in low-self-esteem understanding of safe, became especially true when married men, or men otherwise attached, wanted what was between my legs. Even men wanting and trying to have me without a condom gave me some misguided power.  "Girl," I  would say to myself, "You got some gold between your legs." For years my soul was between my legs. Every relationship I had began and ended just like the first one I ever had, between my legs. Interestingly though,  I never had a one night stand, every sex I ever had was in search of a love of my own, when that search should have started from within. 
I was in my late 30's early 40's when I stopped playing the pussy game. I can't believe it took well over 25 years from that first encounter with James before I understood that my value had nothing to do with my vagina. For sure though, once I learned that lesson it was one that I've kept close to my heart, even in the face of loneliness and being alone. 

To get to this place of wholeness I had to reduce the power of my vagina to increase who God created me to be. I had to hit the bottom before that lesson was learned. It took years of pain and self abuse to learn that I am  more than my vagina. 
Reducing the power of my vagina created space for me to value all of me. When I stopped focusing between my legs, I could see me in the fullness of Gods creation



Chicago!! I'm speaking August 13, 2014 in a panel discussion Cupcakes and Condoms !! Come hang out with me and engage in this important topic of women's sexual health, sex, love, dating and all of it!! The Little Black Pearl Workshop 1060 E. 47th Street. The event is sponsored by the Red Pump Project. Its free and open to the public, but they would like a head count RSVP HERE 

Drowning Part Two! Tackling Depression Head On!

Drowning Part One!
Nausea and exhaustion merged and sleep took over. I woke the next morning in my hotel room curled up in the middle of the bed hugging the pillow. Something had come over me last night and it had been cathartic. I knew I needed to do better. "Sophie is not coming back," I told myself. "The good thing is the joy she brought you for eight years," I mumbled.  I remind myself of this daily. I remember when Oprah lost one of her white Lab's, Gracie after one year. She watched her die from swallowing a small toy. I had just gotten Sophie and could not  even image the pain she felt. I shuddered to think about it. I had Sophie for eight wonderful years.

As I made my morning tea I started to remember that Sophie had come to BlogHer last year with me. She was the bell of the lobby at the Sheraton Hotel and the official greeter at the MultiCulti party. I reflected on how happy she was going from arm to arm that night. I like the fact that BlogHer is dog friendly and Sophie fit right in! She was definitely Ms. Personality.


When I arrived back to Chicago I knew changes of some sort had to be made, but the moment I put my key in that door and there was no Sophie barking like crazy, dread swap over me. The worst part of being on earth without her is walking into silence each time I come home and waking in the morning without her being by my side. Adjusting to this this new life is hard, very hard. I'm not sure how long it's going to take for me to be at a better place.

My grief is real and so is my depression. I feel them in the debt of my Soul, yet there is a  part of me that is fighting, that wants to fight. I want to find a balance. I don't intend to avoid the grief but at the same time, I don't want the grief to control me. I didn't like how I felt in that hotel room in San Jose. I never want to be that self absorbed/consumed by one thing. I never want any one thing to have all of me. It's bad enough that HIV/AIDS has dictated a good portion of my life for most of my life. I want to control what I can. 

I understand that my depression is what the experts called "situational depression," which typically occurs after some sort of trauma and or traumatic changes  in your life. In my case, the sudden lost of Sophie. I'm having difficulties adjusting to the changes brought on by Sophie's passing and I just fucking miss her.
Situational depression is different for everyone as is major depression. For me, there hasn't been a day that has gone by that my heart hasn't ached for my baby girl. I've cried at least 32 of the 35 days she's been gone. 

Sleep is a far away thing that I believe will come back to me one day, but right now I haven't slept through the night if I slept at all. It takes everything and I mean EVERYTHING I got to do anything other than read and knit. And of course, I've been eating my way to hell and back.
It's been a week since BlogHer and that night in my hotel room consumed by Reese's Peanut Butter cookies and S'mores with bacon on top. I'm proud to say that I have made some changes. No, I'm not better, I just made some changes for the better. I live in the real world and I know that it is not going to get better over night, but I have at least stopped myself from total destruction. This is my plan!!
1) Working Out! Exercise is important for me. Not only does it make me feel better overall, it actually increases endorphins. The experts say that 1 hour of exercise will work as well as anti-depressants for mild depression. Speaking of anti-depressants, the week Sophie passed I started Trazodone because it has a sleep add. I stopped last week because I don't like being groggy in the morning and still sleep deprived because sometimes  the medication helps and other times it does not. 

 BTW I got 3 days of Crossfit in last week. That's a start! If I don't make it to the gym, I make it up with the amount of walking I do. For example, I often walk home from therapy,which is about 3 miles. Or I try to take a walk on the lakefront.
2) Eating! I'm an emotional eater for sure and I have grain 10 pounds since Sophie passed.  My goal is to eat as clean as possible, which is where I was before my life changed. 

 For me eating cleans means that I I'm following either the Paleo Diet or Low-Fodmap diet set by my Gastroenterologist, usually, I'm somewhere in between.  Following these diets are important because they help my Irritable Bowl Syndrome. Since my eating has been whack, my body has been out of whack. I've become constipated again. This is not good!! I have no desire to be back on laxatives again. Remember the fiasco? The benefit of eating clean is weight control.
3) Not Setting Myself up for Failure! Because I'm such an emotional eater, what I bring into my house is important. On top of that, life is to short to deprive myself of sugar. *shrugs* I like dessert after a meal always has, always will. To be sure, I don't want to  over indulge. I make sure that I have fruit in the house at all times. I also buy popcorn in small bags like Skinny Pop or Trader Joe's Lite Kettle Corn.

I get cookies that go far in portion size verses calories.  For example, Trader Joe's Ginger Snaps, are 130 calories  for 6 cookies. By the time I reach the fifth cookie that impulse to eat has passed and the damage is minimum. BTW, they have them in tons of different flavors. Now, with those big ass cookies I was eating in San Jose, I had to be taking in close to 500-800 calories a cookie.


4) Therapy! I missed a lot of my therapy appointments prior to Sophie passing because of my health. Remember I was at home shut down on IV medication, then the liposuction procedure? Then our July routine was thrown off by scheduling for both me and my therapist.  I'm back at it, no missed appointments. This is an important part of my life. Therapy is a neutral place to process my pain without any judgments or expectations. It always leads me to a good place.

5) Be Kind to Myself! If I don't follow through on any of the above. I forgive myself at night and wake to a new day with fresh possibilities.

6) I'm getting another dog! I know that I cannot replace Sophie, nor would I ever try. In fact, all of my dogs have had there own personality and brought something different and wonderful to my life. But I've learned something new about myself in the last 35 days since Sophie's death. I need whatever it is a dog brings to my life and whatever it is that I bring to theirs. This is the first time in 21 years that I've been without a poodle and I'm not going to deprive myself because I cannot have Sophie. Stay Tuned!

Coping with lost of any sort is hard. Each of us must figure out the best path that will lead to the best outcomes. The darkness will pass if we don't fight against the darkness, like going against the gain. The darkness will pass if you don't plant yourself in the darkness, holding onto it for the life of you. It will pass, for nothing stays the same. Remember, no experience is ever wasted, not even moments of  darkness. As for me, I'm sure when the light starts to trickle through the darkness, I will look back and say, Aha, I see what was learned in these moments of darkness.

RLT Collection: The Sophie Collection!

I designed the Sophie Collection in memory of my Poodle Sophie who lost her battle with Liver Cancer July 1, 2014. Sophie was full of life and made a imprint on the hearts of everyone she encountered.
Sophie Baby Bracelet!
Sophie being diagnosed with cancer was the furthest thing from my mind. Her taking a turn for the worst within 5 days of diagnoses was earth shattering. Making this collection was the first thing that I was able to do when I finally crawled out of bed four days after she passed. Making this collection for my bracelet line RLT Collection helped me to get back to work and press through the pain of my lost.



Green is the color for Liver Cancer. The Sophie Baby Bracelet is the main focus of the collection with additional bracelets in the color green for that perfect stack. Shop HERE for Sophie Collection!

Beautiful Green Agate Bracelet! Unisex Jasper Bracelet! Tiger Eye Bracelet! 

Drowning... Part 1

I'm drowning in the chaos of my life. It started back in February when I started this emotional eating and Cheetos was always in my right hand, going straight into my month. Now, in full disclosure, I took a moment a couple of months ago to examine what had gotten me so off  track and all roads led to a man that I wanted, but who didn't want a relationship. So I walked as hard and as fast as I could to a place where I could hold onto my dignity. For me it's simple. No matter how much I want a man, I never want to keep him at the cost of me. 


Even with HIV/AIDS I would much prefer to be alone then to be with a man who is half in/half out. My tail is to old to "kick it," unless I'm kicking a ball in CrossFit. 

Not only am I not going to waste my pretty, I'm never going to let a man suck the life out of me. That is, him getting what he wants, while I'm just hanging and hoping that I will get all of him as my reward. Women are good for that, sticking around with the hope and a prayer that staying on his terms will render us victoriously. Let me tell you, it will never happen. When a man tells you that he does not want a relationship he means it and it does not matter how wonderful you are or if you make his toes curl in bed. Furthermore, staying will not only suck the life out of you, but it will kill your spirit and topple your self-esteem.  

While I know that walking was the best thing for me, it sent me on a down spiral of emotional eating. I mean who wants to be alone? Especially after you have started to bond and was hopeful for a future. I got sick after him with one back to back illness that sent me overboard. You do remember those sleepless nights caused by uncontrollable hot flashes that lead to mood swings and sleep deprivation, while the doctors tried to figure out the best combination of Hormone Replacement Therapy and HIV medication. After that, the health issues just kept coming. I had a bad case of HIV Peripheral Neuropathy in my feet and legs. Then I had a cold that turned into bronchitis and after that I pulled a muscle in my back and even breathing hurt. Then to pour salt in my wounds, I had a herpes outbreak that landed me back on IV medication. I was sinking, but fighting to hold my head above the water. 

With the death of Sophie I lost all control and started to  drown. I couldn't seem to keep my head above water no mater how hard I tried. Nothing seemed to be going in my favor and I took an emotional tumble. I was drowning and no matter how hard I fought, the depression kept coming and coming and coming. Eating became my enemy disguised as my best friend. I went from Cheetos to Flamin Hots mixed with Doritos and a Snickers on the side, and of course a cupcake or two. The three weeks following Sophie's death, all my healthy living died right along with her. 

When I made it to BlogHer last week I got off the plane in San Jose on the hunt for food - good comfort food. I had onion rings and beef brisket and burgers and fried chicken and hand cut french fires and milk shakes. I ate the danishes at the conference each morning instead of the fruit.  For real, my plate was filled with bacon and sweet rolls every morning with tea on the side.  I knew that I was drowning, but I couldn't seem to gather the strength to save myself. 
Now the best, and worst of it all, was this little bakery I found in the San Jose's Public Market, Chocatoo.  Chocoatoo has the best freaking cookies that I have ever eaten in life. I'm not sure which was my favorite. There was the chocolate S'mores rich with graham crackers, marshmallows and big dark chocolate chips. 

Then there was the basic chocolate chip with dark and milk chocolate but my God, that Reese's Peanut Butter with large chunks of Reese's and milk chocolate made my taste buds do a dance. I had 3 of these large cookies  a day, yes I said 3, 1-2-3. It was over the top, but it sure seemed to ease the pain. I knew that I was out of control but I couldn't seem to stop myself. I kept trying to come up for air but the waves kept pulling me back in. 
By Friday, I had been to Chocotoo twice  for a total of 6 cookies. That should have been my limit but when my girlfriend Dwana arrived to San Jose,  I had to introduce her to the best cookies ever. That day I got 2 Reees's and 1 S'mores. I should have stopped there, but following Dwana's lead, I got the homemade marshmallow S'mores. This delight was 4 inches of homemade marshmallow between two graham crackers dipped in dark chocolate, with caramelized bacon on top. 
I had eaten a cookie by the time we arrived back to the hotel. Once we arrived,  I got me a fresh cup of hot tea and dived into the homemade S'mores.  It was divine!! 

That left me with two cookies and I was straight out of control. It's crazy when you can see yourself in deep water but can't seem to pull yourself to the top.  After the MultiCulti party 
that night I came back to my room, made another cup of tea and had my last two cookies ... well all but a ¼ of the Reese's.  It was then time for sleep. 

I need to pause and say my food for that entire day consisted of; bacon and sweet rolls for breakfast, roast beef sandwich and salad for lunch with a fruit tart for dessert. Then Dwana and I had a meal at local restaurant a local couple hours after lunch, where I had homemade onion rings and beef brisket. That was a lot of food, then we must add the 2 and 3/4 large cookies and a 4 inch high S'mores.

Missing Sophie, I curled into a tight ball hugging the pillow to let sleep take me away from my misery. I closed my eyes and nausea swept over me.  It jolted me out of my semi-sleep. The nausea consumed my body and right to my very core, my soul. It was as if the universe was saying, "that's enough Rae that's enough." Tears started to flow. I knew that I had to make a change. Sophie is not coming back, that man is long gone and my health hangs in the balance by what I do and don't do. 

"Oh God, "I cried out. "Help me! God Help me!"

to be continued ....

Fashion Loves Art!

Last week I done something that I have never done before. Yep, I got up extra early, with no make-up on my face, not even lipstick and with a  scarf on my head no less, to wait in line to get a handbag. Now you all know that I love fashion and I especially love handbags. I think a girl can never have to many handbags and thats for real. But I have never been a crazy woman standing in line to buy anything.

Well, let me give you the tea, as the young people say; that means the scoop. LOL. The British store H and M collaborated with American artist and sculptor Jeff Koons to create a handbag displaying Jeff Koons art.  I love Jeff Koons work.

He is most known for his large, eye catching sculptures of ballon animals. In November 2013 one of his ballon poodles sold for a $58.4 million dollars at Christie's Auction House, making it the  most expensive piece of art sold by a living artist. I love the ballon sculptures, I also love some of his other work, like the sculpture of Michael Jackson with his monkey, Bubbles.
Ballon Art
While I love his poodle ballon art, I adore his sculpture of the apricot poodle. It  captures the very essence of every poodle and thats just some of his work. His ability to capture images on a large scale is remarkable. Now,  I bet you think that the only reason I like Jeff Koons is because of  has poodle art and my love for poodles. I would be lying if I tell you that getting this handbag was not in some way a tribute to my dear Sophie. It was actually a cathartic moment, but it was not my only reason.


It's not to well known, but I collect art. I started collecting right after I made a transition to AIDS twenty-one years ago. I had just moved into my own apartment, prior to that I shared a house with a couple of people and I wanted to create my own space; a place of peace, comfort and solitude. Over the last 21 years I have acquired original pantings, sculptures and pottery. My art is my safe place and provides a peaceful energy in my home. Art gives me life, as I fight for my life.

I remember when I went to South Africa with Sheryl Lee Ralph, the other woman in the delegation went power shopping and I went to art galleries hunting for work by South African artist. I don't know if I could live without art in my life. It's difficult to explain what art means to me. It speaks its own language and if chosen wisely it will speak to your soul.

For me, wanting the Jeff Koons handbag was both my love of poodles and my love of art. When I arrived to H and M, I was shock to find only two people in line, me and a woman named Elizabeth.  She, like me have a love for art and she actually works in the art arena. I was happy and sad all at the same time that the line was so short. It spoke volumes to me about the modern day appreciation for art and artist, verses fashion designers. In recent history, when stores like H and M have collaborated with big name clothing designers like Lavin the lines were around the corner. People actually camped out and H and M were sold out by mid-day. I think if the handbag was a big name designer, rather than an big name artist, it would not have mattered what was on front of the bag, it would have been in high demand.
Well, I tip my scarf off to H and M for going a different route this time around! Jeff Koons was a great choice and this Diva approves! By the way, I don't know if they are sold out nation wide, but I know that the H and M Chicago, Michigan Ave store still have some bags. The bag is made of leather and it actually has some depth, making it a great cross shoulder handbag. The bag goes for $49 bucks, not bad for a leather handbag that will one day be a collectors item. The only thing better than one of these bags for me would have been to have it signed by Jeff Koons; but then I would never carry it. LOL. By the way, there is already a signed bag on Ebay for $500. I guess someone understands the value of art and the artist.

Jeff Koons and his Ballon Poodle

Blogging For Social Change!

Today I'm headed to the BlogHer 2014 conference in San Jose, California. I'm so honored to have been asked for the second time in a row to speak at this prestigious bloggers conference. Last year I was the closing keynote speaker for the Healthminder Day. This year I was asked to be a Path Leader for Pathfinder. Pathfinder day is an all day intensive, the day before the conference officially opens on Friday.

Bloggers who attend Pathfinder day are interested in taking there blogging to the next level. This is an intensive day with five different paths of learning. The paths are, media company, change agent, businesses owner, published author and visual artist.

BlogHer has partnered me with Dannielle Owens-Reid co-founder of Everyone is Gay an award -winning LGBTQ youth organization to co-lead the path as Change Agent. Our goal is to help bloggers refine and focus their blogging for social change.  Dannielle and I have planned an awesome day for our Pathfinders; from understanding the importance of ones story, to monetizing ones blog and blogging for  purpose even if the money never comes.




I am excited about Pathfinder day and helping bloggers but I'm also excited about the other workshops and sharing  and comparing  notes with other bloggers for 3 days. This year I am planning to attend quite a few workshops myself. With over a million views to my blog, not counting all the people who read my blog through one of the 4 syndications, I am ready to take Diva Living With AIDS to the next level in every way possible.

Blogging has changed the way that I educate around HIV/AIDS. I took a leap of faith and people listened to my heart in every single stoke of the key board.  I understand that no one has to come to Diva Living With AIDS, but you do. I'm taking your support with a  heart of gratitude  and I'm using it as a force of light to make this blog even better than it's best. Expect to see me blogging more often than not.

Over all, I am extra excited about BlogHer 2014 and all that it brings. I'm especially excited to hear the keynote speakers Kerry Washington and Arianna Huffington, the founder of Huffington Post and other heavy hitters.

In the backdrop of all the health problems I've had of late and the death of Sophie, getting away will be a time of renewal and recommitment. Of course I will share the most important and interesting with you in the days to follow... Wish me safe travels.

Tackling Grief...

Grief is a monster! I'm learning that it also sticks to you like Gorilla glue. Honestly, these last three weeks dealing with the lost of Sophie has been new territory for me. I've never felt this level of sorrow for anything even when I lost my first two dogs. When Imani died I was sad and I cried a lot, but it didn't effect my bottom line. She had lived 12 years and while I was very sad, I was not overwhelmed. I had also done everything possible for her lung disease and was at peace with that fact. Of course I still had Nambi, who was Imani's baby and she was my constant companion. I had Nambi for 16 years. She and Sophie overlapped for almost four years. When I put Nambi down, I felt like she had lived a long and good life. I blogged about Nambi when I first started. You can read it here.

Imani and NambiWhen I put Nambi down there was Sophie, who was full of life and demanding.  She was not having it; not too many sad moments in my house. Sophie even knew the difference from when I was actually sick, verses those days filled with depression. On those days, she insisted that we get out of bed. Her mission in life seemed to make sure that I lived in my life. She accomplished her mission. There was never a dull moment in my house with Sophie.

Sophie Demanding Attention!
Maybe that's why losing her has taken me for a loop. She was the life of the party each and every day. I'm sure loosing her unexpectedly and at a mid age has also impacted my grief level. The average  Poodle lives 12-15 years. Maybe my grief is also impacted by the fact this is the first time that I have been without a dog in 21 years.

What I know for sure is that my grief is all consuming. Even with the lost of my mothers, both of them, I didn't feel this kind of sadness. I remember my friend, recording artist, Teresa Griffin telling me that she cried more over  the death of  her little Pomeranian Poppy, then her father and she loved her father dearly.

I know some people want me to move on, but its not so simple. While there's no easy way to deal with grief, I'm learning to tackle it head on.

For sure avoiding it or pretending that you are not hurting will only send you into a deeper depression. Right now my depression is what my doctor calls "situational depression," but if I don't deal with it in a healthy manner, it could become long term.

It's no secret that I have dealt with depression living with HIV/AIDS. However prior to Sophie, I was doing well. In fact, a few months ago my doctor and I decided for me to take a  break from anti-depressants, to give my body a break. For sure less drugs are always better. But that first week I lost Sophie, I  was popping valium just to sleep. I knew that had to stop, so I switched to an antidepressant that would help me sleep with the advice of my doctor

I'm also an emotional eater and the last two weeks I have eaten more comfort food then I had in the last 6 months. The end result has been weight gain, but I had to decide which battle I could fight effectivity, so I'm going with the flow.

 It was way to much pressure forcing myself to eat "clean" and deal with the grief at the same time. I took the pressure off before it sent me into self- loathing and a deeper depression. I'm finding that with the pressure off, I tend to have a tad more balance. I'm living in the now. I don't punish myself if I don't have the balance, I just start with each new meal or snack and accept that which is. In time, I'm sure that healthy choices will become my norm again. The thing about me is that I never seem to let one thing control my life forever. I tend to regain control in time. Going with the flow is the theme of the hour, even with activities.  If I feel like it, I do it, if I don't, then I don't. Nothing is forced. I wait until my heart is in it before I do it. Added pressure leads to added depression. I want to get through this, not stay in it, so I'm using the methods that work best for me. There is no one way to tackle grief I think we all have to do what feels right.

Working out is also helping my mood swings. I find that the days  I do Crossfit, I tend to be less sad. I know working out does increase your serotonin. After the BlogHer Conference this week, I'm hoping to get back to five days a week.

One of the most cathartic things I've done is to turn Sophie's Instagram account into a memorial page. I go there and post  pictures and while there is an element of sadness to it, it also reminds me how special she was and how much joy she brought to my life and that always makes me smile. Equally importantly, it keeps me grounded, looking at her pictures and remembering in this way, reminds me that it is for sure better to have had her, then to not have had her at all.  It also reminds me that she was such a happy dog and to have her suffer would have been worst than her death for both of us.

I'm not sure how long it's going to take me to get to a better place and I'm not putting pressure on nor am I allowing others to put pressure on me.  If someone is tired of me talking about her then don't talk to me. Tried of me posting about her and my feeling about losing her on Social Media then unfollow me. Don't make me hide my emotions because you don't understand, care, or its depressing. Wonder how I feel to be the one experiencing the lost.

It is what it is. I miss Sophie terribly so and I'm giving myself the time. This grief that I'm feeling will go away in time. I will always miss her but the hurt I'm sure will soften in time. For sure, I'm not totally stuck anymore. I can see improvement from that first week I put her down when I didn't even wash my body or a dish. Three weeks in, I am back to work, blogging, working on RLT Collection trying to get my site up to date and preparing for BlogHer 2014, I think that is progress. The one thing that I don't intend to do is fill my life up with activity as a well to avoid the pain. I'm allowing my grief to go through a natural process on it's own terms so that I can emerge a better person to have experience this lost. They say what does not kill you, makes you stronger.