Lysa TerKeurst's Blog, page 21

When Being a Mom is Hard

Have you ever felt like a failure as a mom because you got a not-so-great call from the principal’s office? Me too.

On the flip side, have you ever felt like the greatest mom ever because your child got some special recognition? Me too.

We moms should never build the stability of our identity on the fragility of our kid’s choices.

I need to let this crucial truth sink in. I’m posting about this today if for no other reason, sweet sister, than the fact I need this message. So, forgive me if the blog on this Monday preaches a message only to myself.

I’ve got five amazing kids. I really do. They are wildly funny, imaginative, moody, opinionated, strong, weak, happy, sad, good and sometimes not-so-good. In other words they’re pretty normal. And while I’ve done everything in my power to raise them to turn out amazingly awesome – and they very well might turn out amazingly awesome – there aren’t any guarantees.

Sometimes bad parents raise terrific kids.

And sometimes terrific parents raise kids that chase bad things their whole life.

So, what’s a mama to do?

Embrace the process. Learn from the process. Let God speak to us during the process. And see the process of raising kids as an ongoing opportunity to invest beyond ourselves.

We get to love our kids like crazy. Pray for them faithfully. Talk to them regularly. Listen to them tenderly. Model honesty and integrity. And point them to Jesus at every turn.

We get to do all that.

And tucked within these privileges is the reward. As long as I look for the reward within the process, I won’t misplace my expectations. I have to rest in the assurance that God sees everything I invest in these kids.

And He will use every step of this process for good. The process will be good for me. And this process will good for my kids. It will be good. But this process won’t always make me feel good or look good.

If I always expect my kids to make me feel good or look good, I am setting us all up for failure. My kids were never meant to carry the weight of a mama’s need for validation. I can’t let their failures send me to bed. And I can’t wear their successes like mommy medals of honor.

Motherhood is tough you know?

It really is.

However, it’s also our only opportunity to reach into the generations to come and make a difference. So, an imperfect but wonderful difference I will make.

Connect with other moms who are determined to make a wonderful difference in their kids’ lives at the Hearts at Home Conference, March 13-14! I’m excited to be a keynote speaker along with my friends Dr. Gary Chapman and Ken Davis. It’s going to be a fun time with other mamas who understand our struggles.

Today, I’m giving away one VIP package to the conference with gifts for 2 people so you can bring a friend with you if you win! The package includes:

- 2 tickets for the Friday conference

- 2 tickets for Mom’s Night Out

- Free parking passes

- A gift basket from Hearts at Home

- 2 backstage passes (so we can hang out!)

To be entered to win, leave a comment below telling me who you’d bring with you and why.

To find out more information about the conference and to purchase your tickets, click here.

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An Invitation To Come Over?
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Grab One of the Last Spots to Israel!

Over the last couple of months, I’ve popped onto the blog a few times to tell you about the intensive study trip I’m leading to Israel this fall.

But, this just might be the last time I have any updates to report. Watch the video below to see what I mean…

(If you’re viewing this in an email, click here to watch the video.)

Register here to secure one of the LAST spots for the trip so you can experience the Bible like you’ve never experienced it before.



I hope to see you there!

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3 Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was Single

I remember the hardest day of the week for me when I was single was Sunday. Specifically Sunday right after church.

Many of my other single friends would have plans with their families that day, but not me. My family lived 9 hours away.

So, I’d walk through the parking lot watching young moms ooh and ahh over Sunday school artwork and I’d think, “Their lives seem so blissfully full.”

I’d walk past an older couple holding hands and think, “They are so lucky to have such an easy, breezy life.”

I’d walk past a gal walking arm in arm with her boyfriend and think, “She is so fortunate to feel loved.”

And then I’d get in my car and decide happiness, fulfillment, and contentment were something to hope for in the future, when I found the life I desperately wanted.

Boy, do I wish I could go sit in that car beside my single self and tell her some life-giving truths I now know…

I’m sharing 3 of those truths over at (in)courage today. Click here to read more!

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A Wedding Prayer, a Marriage Prayer

Just recently, I came across the prayer Art’s dad prayed at our wedding. And it occurred to me this is much more than a wedding prayer. It’s a marriage prayer.

As I read back over this prayer, I am amazed at how God has answered so many of the requests intertwined in the words. This was being prayed over two broken, fragile, headstrong, needing-to-learn-a-lot individuals. Individuals who weren’t sure we were going to make it. But we did.

And so can you.

If you know someone who is about to get married, send them a link to this post. But I would also say it’s a great prayer to pray over your marriage now. Whether you’ve been married for 2 weeks or 32 years, take your spouse’s hand and either have someone read this prayer over you or read it together. Use it as a reminder and recommitment.

And if your marriage isn’t at a place where that is possible, pray this in the quiet shrine of your heart. As Psalm 34:15 tells us, God hears you. He knows. He loves you. He will show you the way.

Download a printable version of this prayer here.

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How to Choose People Over Projects

We live in an age of extreme multitasking.

But honestly, imagine how crazy rushed we’d be if we only had tasks to do but not people with whom we must pause to connect.

When our to-do lists tug at our attention, we have to remember: the people in our lives need us. We need space to connect and process together. After all, conversational threads are what make up the fabric of relationships.

I have to admit that taking time to slow down for relationships isn’t natural to me. I’m a task girl. I like accomplishing things. I like the thrill of moving forward, creating momentum, and getting stuff done.

But the more I choose to pause and talk and really connect, the more I discover that

giving priority to relationships does something good in my soul. Yes, connecting with those we love is like soul food. It’s not that we don’t have tasks to do, but rather that we don’t fill up with tasks at the risk of starving our relationships.

I want to make sure it’s people, not projects, that occupy the sacred places in my heart.

So let’s stop. Listen. Talk. Process. Walk. Notice. Engage. Compliment. Thank. Hold hands. And just be together.

If you need some help getting intentional with your most treasured relationships, I’ve put together this fun “People Over Projects” Printable Set. Think of it as a relationship to-do list – things you can focus on to make your people smile each week. I’ve already started working on mine!

You can get the printable set by purchasing a copy of my book, The Best Yes, through Proverbs 31 Ministries during our Flash Sale! And the other great part? The Best Yes is being offered for a special price of only $10.99. I love a great deal, so this is a win-win situation.

Click here to purchase your copy of The Best Yes and receive the “People Over Projects” Printable Set for free.

And if you already purchased The Best Yes from Proverbs 31 Ministries, send your receipt to peopleoverprojects@proverbs31.org. We’ll still send you the free printables. Otherwise, consider taking advantage of this deal by purchasing a copy for a friend. Thank you for helping support Proverbs 31 Ministries and our daily work to reach women for Jesus!

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Is My Weight Really a Big Deal to God?

I always considered my food struggle to be a small thing in light of the bigger challenges of life. I mean, it’s not as big of a deal to God as attitudes of selfishness,

worldliness, or pride — or is it?

I can remember saying, “God, you can mess with my pride, you can mess with my anger, you can mess with my money, you can mess with my selfishness, you can mess with my frustration with my children, you can mess with the times I disrespect my husband . . . you can mess with all that, but don’t mess with my eating.”

However, small things can easily become big things.

Through the years, I began to acknowledge the “big” emotions that often accompanied my “little” food struggle. I realized that I constantly bounced between feeling deprived and guilty; deprived, then guilty. My frustration with myself stripped me of the peace and joy that I wanted to be the hallmark of my life. Us having peace is a big deal to God. Scripture tells us to let the peace of God rule in our hearts (Colossians 3:15).

I think peace is what we want in every area of our life — even our health.

Is your heart dominated by feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing, or defeat about your food struggles? Those are big emotions.

And whenever we feel defeated by an issue, it can prevent us from following God completely.

Consider these questions to gauge where your heart is:

1) Do you measure your worth as a woman by the numbers you see on the scale?

2) How many times have you rationalized “Oh, I deserve this sugary delish. I’ll just start my diet again Monday” but later felt like a failure?

3) How often do you compare your body to your sister’s, a friend’s, or a stranger’s?

4) Do you ever make mental comments about yourself and your weight that you’d never let another person say about you?

If you can identify with even just one of these, let me take you by the hand and whisper to you today… You. Are. Not. Alone. I knew to ask you all of those questions because I’ve said yes to each and every one. It’s good to do a heart-check every once in a while.

To help us, I’ve put together a free 21-Day Challenge based off of my book Made to Crave so we can start satisfying our deepest desires with God, not food. Each day for 3 weeks you’ll receive Biblical encouragement in your email inbox to help you find God’s peace on this journey to get healthy.

Click here to sign up.

And if you just need some Jesus girls to surround you in prayer, leave a comment below. My team and I will be praying over your needs as we head into the weekend.

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A Sneak Peek of My Next Book

Starting to write a new book can be an intimidating process. After all, I’m not an experienced author of this new book. It’s my first dance with these words… these thoughts… these lessons.

With each new message, I’m a first-time author all over again.

And in this next book, I’m tackling rejection and loneliness. Not in a sad, let’s-get-down-in-the-dumps-together way.

Nope. More like a girlfriend chat where we all find ourselves saying, “Yep… I’ve felt that. I’ve thought that. Now, what do we do about it?”

So, I thought I would give my blog friends a sneak peek… a little slice of one of my chapters.

After you read this, {insert me blushing and sweating and eating a stale Christmas cookie} would you leave me a comment below with what you’d like to see addressed in a book about rejection and loneliness?

Your input is a pure treasure to me.

________________________________

There’s a lady at my gym who hates me. No, I’m serious. She sees me coming and I can feel little poofs of disdain chugging out of her ears as her feet are churning 87 miles per hour on the elliptical machine. I honestly don’t know how she goes so fast. I once tried to keep up with her.

It was awful.

And I think this was the day her infuriation with me started.

Let me back up and confess my sins that started this whole thing.

The elliptical machines are set up very close together and are completely awkward with their angular moving parts. Think if a New York high rise and an elephant had a baby. That’s an elliptical machine.

Now, conjure up a picture in your mind of the most athletic person you know. The one who doesn’t have a drop of fat on their entire body, not even at their belly button, which should be illegal in my cellulite-ridden opinion. Okay, do you have your person?

That’s her. She’s honestly stunningly beautiful.

Then picture a marshmallow dressed in a t-shirt and spandex pants. Her ponytail is rather tight but not much else is. That’s me. Hello world.

So, I have to sort of get in her space just a tad to mount my machine and I think I threw off her rhythm. That was sin number one.

And then I decided to try to stay in sync with her because I wanted to teach all the folks at the gym that day that,though my legs and derrière might not look like it, I’m in shape. My heart can pump with the best of them. And by golly I was tired of being out-ellipticalled by her. That was sin number two.

And then there may have been a little issue with me taking a phone call while working out. In my defense this is not at all my common practice. But a friend called who really needed me.

I realize now I should have stepped off my machine and taken the call elsewhere. But I was sort of in a competition at this point and needed to win this thing on behalf of every other marshmallow-feeling woman.

I tried to chat quietly but when you feel like a lung might very well pop out of your mouth at any minute, it’s difficult to whisper-talk. That was sin number three.

Three strikes and she deemed me out. Out of my mind. Out of line. Out of control.

She abandoned her elliptical and huffed over to the treadmill. And she’s hated me ever since.

But then the other day, something occurred. Something odd that stunned me.

She smiled at me.

It wasn’t an evil, I’m-about-to whip-your-tail-on-the-gym-floor kind of smile. It was more like a “oh hey, I’ve seen you here before, right?” kind of smile.

I thought about her expression the entire time on the elliptical that morning. I mean I analyzed it up one side and down the other. Was it just a stunned reaction kind of thing where she felt forced to smile because she couldn’t quite figure out what else to do?

Or was it “I think we could be friends?”

Or was it a truce of some sorts?

I’ve decided it wasn’t any of those. I truly believe it was a simple smile acknowledging that she’s seen me but has none of this crazy hate toward me at all.

It’s all been a perception thing on my part.

So let me rewrite the story as I now believe it actually is.

There’s a lady at the gym who really enjoys her workouts. One day the gal next to her talked on the phone so instead of making a deal out of it she just transitioned over to the treadmill.

She really hadn’t thought of it much since. And then one day she saw this same woman in the bathroom and smiled and thought, “Good for you for getting up this morning and working out.”

End of story.

Obviously, I don’t know what went through her head as she smiled. But I think my second version is closer to reality than my first.

Which has really gotten me thinking about all the many times I assign thoughts to others that they never really think. I hold them accountable to harsh judgments they never make. And I own a rejection from them they never gave me.

I know not every rejection is like this.

Some are completely certified and undeniable. As clear as a just-cleaned window. And the feelings so intense they can make you as horrifically stunned as a bird soaring eastward toward the morning sun only to slam headfirst into that clean window. The thud feels like it might just kill you.

That’s true rejection.

But then there’s this perceived rejection like I had with my fellow gym-goer.

I don’t even think I was really on her radar.

But in my mind I was absolutely in her crosshairs.

And so goes the crazy inside our heads sometimes.

It makes me remember something I saw an author friend of mine do several years ago that I filed away in my “Words I Love” notebook. She was signing a book. I peaked over to see what she was writing.

Her approach was simple. Before signing her name she wrote, “Live loved.”

Instead of an instruction, it was a proclamation. One that now arrests my soul and is so applicable to our discussion at hand.

Live from the abundant place that you are loved and you won’t find yourself begging others for scraps of love.

It’s not deciding in your mind, I deserve to be loved.

Or manipulating your heart to feel loved.

It’s settling in your soul, I was created by a God who formed me because He so very much loved the very thought of me. When I was nothing, He saw something and declared it good. Very good. And very loved.

This should be the genesis thought of every new day. Not because of how terrific I am. God doesn’t base His affection on my wilted efforts.

No, God’s love isn’t based on me.

It’s simply placed on me.

And is the place from which I should live.

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5 Things to Consider Before Posting Online

Has your mouth ever gotten you in a tangled-up mess?

Or have you ever been deeply wounded because of the words of others?

I’d have to say yes to both of these.

But thank goodness I’m not alone – my friend, Karen Ehman, just wrote a fantastic book that tackles the hard subjects of gossip, speaking the truth in love, and the power of our words from a biblical standpoint. She’s guest posting today to give us some tips on how to control our tongue (and fingertips) online and through social media. Take it away, Karen…

I still remember the day I got a Facebook page back in 2007. I am pretty much a foreigner in the land of all things techie, but my kids insisted one day that I just could not be a cool mom unless I had a Facebook page.

At first, Facebook was fun. But then one day as I walked past the den, I heard my daughter hollering at the computer screen. “What? Are you kidding me right now? That’s a lie!”

I popped my head into the room to inquire about what had upset my daughter so much. She invited me to look at her friend’s Facebook page. They were both members of a sports team, and a third girl, also a member, was on her friend’s page complaining about the team’s coach. The comments back and forth became sharper and more concerning. Pretty soon they were in an all-out Facebook fight. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

It just strikes me as strange that friends can argue online or complete strangers can engage in a hearty debate right there on my blinking screen for all the world to see.

Although the Bible was written long before the computer age, I am convinced the truths of Scripture that address how we use our words in speech applies equally to how we use our words online and on social media. In fact, sometimes it’s the online words that give us the most trouble. Unsolicited opinion-slinging. Snark. Or even worse.

There is just something empowering about saying what you really think while hiding behind a computer screen.

Maybe we feel courageous because the person we’re addressing isn’t physically present. Or perhaps going along with the crowd makes it easy to speak harshly. Whatever it is, I have witnessed many people say things in cyberspace I doubt they would ever say in person. Sometimes the keyboard really does bring out the horrible in us.

So, if we want to honor God with what we say in cyberspace, what are the guidelines we should follow? Here are 5 things to consider before posting online:

1. Pray Before You Post

If we spend time ingesting God’s Truth each day before we switch on the computer, we might not write things that are unkind or hurtful. At the very least, we should whisper a prayer before we post, asking the Holy Spirit to tap on our hearts if we are tempted to post anything online that would not glorify Him.

2. Imagine the Recipient Sitting Next to You

The Internet is so impersonal. But if a flesh-and-blood person were sitting next to us with eyes we could look into, perhaps we would be more careful. Before you post, ask yourself if you would say things differently if the person to whom you’re writing were actually sitting next to you.

3. Remember: When You’re Online, You’re Also on Stage

Unless we send a private message, our online words are available for others to see. If I say something in person to a friend and am later convicted I was wrong, I can go back to my friend and apologize. However, if I post something on social media or comment on a blog and later want to retract it, I have no way to chase down all of the people who might have seen the original comment. Just this fact alone should cause us to really weigh our words before we type them out.

4. Ask Yourself If You’ve Earned the Right to Address the Subject at Hand

If friends on Facebook are hashing through a hot-button issue of the day, do you have any expertise in the area, or are you only slinging an underinformed opinion? We can’t always be an expert on every topic at hand, so when we aren’t, we might do well to refrain from commenting at all.

5. When You Speak, Let Your Speech Be Laced with Grace

Our words must glorify God and not just exalt our own opinions. Here is a great guideline from Scripture: “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” (Colossians 4:5–6).

Jot down these questions on a sticky note and post it near the computer as a reminder to ask:

• Is this comment wise?

• Will writing this comment help me display God’s love to outsiders?

• Is this comment full of grace?

• Have I asked God if this is the best response?

If you’ve ever said, typed, texted, or posted words that were permanently painful because you were temporarily ticked off, I understand. That’s why I wrote my new book, Keep It Shut: What to Say, How to Say It, and When to Say Nothing At All. Click here to purchase your copy and get a 10-day devotional as a FREE gift!

Today I’m giving away 5 signed copies of Keep It Shut! To be entered to win, leave a comment below with one of the 5 rules that you’re going to implement this week as you post online.

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When God’s Assignments Feel Almost Impossible
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A customer service rep and my justified frustration bad reaction…

I was talking with a customer service agent from an online company I have enjoyed doing business with for years. I was in a hurry to check things off my growing to-do list and called thinking she could help me with a return. But when I explained I needed to return this certain item, our conversation started to head south.

She informed me that my item wasn’t on the returnable list. It was on the final sale list. I had no clue there was a returnable list and a final sale list. It wasn’t posted online or stated in their catalog.

I logically stated my case and felt sure she would see things my way. But she didn’t. No matter what I said or explained, she wouldn’t budge.

I knew the lady on the other end of the phone was just following procedure, but it made no sense. It wasn’t right, and I was frustrated!

And my tone of voice made it clear just how frustrated I was. Honestly, I didn’t have the time or patience to deal with this hiccup in my day.

Later that same day, I was in line at the grocery store behind a man who wanted to use an expired coupon. The check out gal calmly stated she couldn’t honor his coupon. Well, he didn’t like that one bit. And he made sure everyone around them knew how much he didn’t like this situation.

I stood back appalled at his actions.

Until… I started thinking about the fact that I’d acted almost the same way with the customer service agent who refused what I wanted. The conviction wove its way through my heart and made me feel so bad for the way I’d reacted toward that woman…

I’m sharing more on what I learned about having better reactions in dealing with daily frustrations over at (in)courage today. Click here to read the rest of my post.

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The Prayer That Changed My Life

For most of my life, I’ve struggled with my weight and committing to a healthy lifestyle. My soul was rubbed raw from years of trying and failing.

I wanted something to instantly fix my issues.

I wanted to stop calling myself awful names I’d never let another person call me.

I wanted to be naturally thin like my sister.

I wanted to stop crying when I walked into my closet to get dressed in the morning.

So when I lost 25 pounds a few years ago and kept it off for the first time in my life, it was a huge victory.

That year, the year I finally got my eating issues under control, I started with a very simple New Year’s prayer. I didn’t write a long list of resolutions as I had in previous years. After all, my list from one year to the next could have simply been a photocopy from the year before.

It was the same stuff, year after year. I started out with great gusto to eat less, move more, make this a healthy lifestyle, and live in victory. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

But each year around January 7, I’d get invited to a party where treats were plentiful and motivation scarce. My stomach would soon be overstuffed and my resolve worn quite thin.

Year after year.

But that year I just couldn’t bring myself to write the list again. So, I prayed this simple prayer: Unsettle me.

These are the words I wrote in my prayer journal…

Unsettle me. These are the two words rattling about in my brain today. I almost wish it were a more glamorous prayer. Surely more eloquent words could be found for what I’m feeling led to pursue during this New Year. But these are the words, this is the prayer.

The funny thing is, I’ve spent my whole existence trying to find a place to settle down, people to settle down with, and a spirit about me worthy of all this settled down-ness. All of this is good. A contented heart, thankful for its blessings, is a good way to settle.

But there are areas of my life that have also settled that mock my desires to be a godly woman — compromises, if you will. Attitudes that I’ve wrapped in the lie, “Well, that’s just how I am. And if that’s all the bad that’s in me, I’m doing pretty good.”

I dare you, dear soul of mine, to notice the stark evidence of a spirit that is tainted and a heart that must be placed under the microscope of God’s Word. Yes, indeed, unsettle me, Lord.

Unearth that remnant of justification. Shake loose that pull toward compromise. Reveal that broken shard of secrecy. Expose that tendency to give up. Unsettle me in the best kind of way. For when I allow Your touch to reach the deepest parts of me — dark and dingy and hidden away too long — suddenly, a fresh wind of life twists and twirls and dances through my soul.

I can delight in hope that this is my year to change. I can discover reasons to appreciate my body and find softer ways for my thoughts to land. I can recognize the beauty of discipline and crave the intimacy with God it unleashes. I can rest assured though the journey will be hard, I will be held.

Goodbye to my remnants, my justification, shards, and tendencies. This is not who I am — nor who I was created to be.

Goodbye to shallow efforts, self-focus, and suspicious fears that I’ll never find victory in this area of my life. I am an unsettled woman who no longer wishes to take part in distractions or destructions.

Welcome deeper love for God and the realization I am made for more than this constant battle. Welcome my unsettled heart.

Are you ready to be unsettled in a good way? Maybe you’re at the beginning of your journey and feel intimidated by the long road ahead. Or, maybe you are on the other end of the spectrum and need ongoing encouragement to stay healthy.

Whether you’re in those places or somewhere in the middle my book, Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food can help. You’ll find a friend who understands, biblical teaching that is surprisingly motivational, and a victorious perspective in the pages of this book.

Get your copy here.

I’m giving away signed copies of Made to Crave today to 5 random commenters. To be entered to win, leave a comment below with your prayer for 2015.

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