Sundi Jo Graham's Blog, page 37

Guilt, Shame, and Grace (And Your Chance to Win)

Excerpted from Pure Emotion by Susan Lawrence, who is a Women’s Ministry Consultant, speaker, and author of multiple Bible studies. She blogs at PurePurpose.org, and you can connect with her (through her blog) on Facebook and Twitter. Join the journey! We’re giving away two copies of the Pure Emotion Bible study at the end of this post.

There is freedom from guilt and shame—freedom in God to uncover our faces and not be ashamed but show God’s glory. Freedom in vulnerability. Freedom to become like him. Freedom in him.

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But when a person changes and follows the Lord, that covering is taken away. The Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Our faces, then, are not covered. We all show the Lord’s glory, and we are being changed to be like him. This change in us brings ever greater glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. (2 Corinthians 3:16-18)

We need to know the difference between godly and ungodly guilt. Let’s not assume all guilt is bad or all guilt is healthy. Cling to what’s true. Guilt is the emotion that indicates you’ve done something wrong. Godly guilt is the real conviction that you’re in disobedience to God’s will. Godly guilt is true guilt.

On the other hand, we can experience guilt when there hasn’t actually been an offense or wrongdoing.

This is false guilt, and it is not godly. “If only…” “I wish I had…” “I should have…” sparks burdensome guilt. You might justify there was offense or wrongdoing because if you had done one thing differently, the situation would have changed. If you had just taken time to talk. If you hadn’t been mad. If you’d done it yourself. The list is endless. Yes, your choices have consequences, but God is big and powerful, and you do not have the power you think you do if you believe you caused something to happen when there was actually no offense or wrongdoing involved. See it through God’s eyes, not your own. He has a better view.

We also experience false guilt in “little things.” We forgot to call someone. We didn’t go to the family reunion. We missed an important day at work because of a sick child. We missed staying home with a child because we had an important meeting at work. Pick a situation—any situation—and you can feel guilty about it.

When you experience guilt, ask, “Is there an offense or wrongdoing God is convicting you of?” Your guilt, in the context of his correction, is real and should motivate you to change, reconcile, or whatever “next step” he guides you through toward reconciliation and growth. But if there’s no offense or wrongdoing except the ones you’re creating, you might be experiencing false guilt, and it’s time to label it for what it is and move on.

And then there’s shame, which is a deep sense of dishonor, disappointment, or condemnation.

When shame comes from God, it always involves something we’ve done that is contrary to his will and separates us from God. It’s deep, heavy and sorrowful. And it always drives us back toward God. Godly shame will never get us stuck. In fact, it can only do the opposite. It un-sticks us.

Ungodly, or false, shame is self-driven. We imagined we’ve done something dishonoring, disappointing or condemning. In relation to God, we presume his reaction to us without asking him for his reaction. We’re so disappointed in ourselves that we imagine we’ve dishonored him. Perhaps we’ve disappointed him, but we need to allow God to shame what we’ve done, not shame ourselves before we’ve lifted our faces to God to receive his reaction. While true shame focuses on something we’ve done, false shame focuses on who we are. Instead of our choice, action, or attitude being condemned, we think we’re condemned. We feel worthless, useless, and unloved. Those feelings don’t come from God. Satan loves when you get tangled up in a mess of guilt and shame. When you’re tangled in false guilt and shame, you can’t completely focus on God, and guilt and shame easily multiply.

Godly guilt and shame are always temporary, never chronic. Godly guilt and shame are productive, not destructive. Godly guilt and shame draw you closer to God, not distance you. When we regularly live with false guilt and shame, it affects our dignity and our hope. It’s corrodes our joy.

We don’t need to stay in a place of guilt and shame.

God gives us grace. We can receive God’s grace even when we don’t deserve it. We still sweat it out, because we have to sacrifice ourselves in order to place ourselves in God’s hands and receive his grace. We have to let go of our god of self-sufficiency to grab onto the God of all sufficiency.

Shame invites us into grace.

Let’s accept the invitation!

 Susan has graciously offered to give away two copies of her new, Pure Emotion Bible study. Enter below for your chance to win. Each entry gives you extra points. Enter everyday from now through Monday for your chance to win!

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Another Soul Lost

I don’t remember how old he was. Not quite 50. I hadn’t seen him in years. My last memory of him wasn’t the most pleasant, either.

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I was watching the season premiere of Duck Dynasty when I got the phone call. One minute I was laughing, the other I was debating on whether to cry or just stay in shock.

Life really does change in the blink of an eye. 

Your uncle was found dead in the bathroom of Hardee’s with a needle in his arm.

Just like that. Another life destroyed by addiction. More kids without a father. Family members asking why.

I tried to soak up the reality that he was really dead, but I couldn’t get my mind off something else – his salvation.

Another life taken by addiction, but another soul lost. 

You ask, “Wait a minute. How do you know he wasn’t saved?”

Jesus said in Matthew 7:16 we will know others by their fruit, that is, by the way they act.

Unfortunately, my uncle’s fruit wasn’t appealing. His words didn’t honor. His actions either. He was a lost man, seeking signifigance in everything but God, the true source of our significance.

And now there are no more second chances for him.

That breaks my heart, and I want it to break the hearts of others. I want my family to open their eyes to the truth. I want them to understand their purpose can only truly be fulfilled in one way – through Jesus.

I desire for them to stop pretending. To stop letting addiction take over their lives. To stop letting the abuse of their past control their future. My heart cries out for them to fully understand the meaning of redemption.

After our last breath, there are no more second chances. 

My uncle died a lonely man, way too early in life. He died broken. Hurting. Lost. He will never experience freedom in Christ, because his fate has already been decided. That’s a reality I’m having a hard time swallowing, but I know it’s true.

I watched addiction take my dad, now my uncle. When does it end?

God, my prayer today is for everyone one of us who has or is still struggling with some kind of addiction. Whether it’s drugs, alcohol, food, or our jobs. Help us get our eyes focused on you as the only source who can fulfill our lives. Forgive me when I run to things besides you. Thank you for second chances. Thank you for your strength to overcome. Jesus came to bind the broken hearted and set the captvies free. May we surrender to you, throw our hands in the air and confess that we can’t do this life without You. May we run to you and pour our hearts out to you. May no final breath be taken without knowing we will spend eternity with you. 

Celebrating my 30th Birthday in Style

The last five hours have been interesting. I’m currently sitting in the waiting room of the ER, waiting for my mom to be admitted for an infection. I have to say my 30th birthday has already been eventful.

Of course, I’ve found things to do to entertain myself, and her.

Today I say goodbye to a decade – a decade full of hard times, blessings, valleys, restored relationships, and more. Today I say hello to a new decade as I celebrate 30 years of life.

You see, there was a day I wasn’t sure that I’d ever live long enough to see 30. There were moments in life I had no desire to live another day, much less celebrate the beginning of a new decade in life.

But that was then and this is now. 

I wanted to list 30 things I’m thankful for today as I celebrate my 30th birthday. Will you join me?

Freedom from the bondage of my past.
My mom. She’s one of a kind.
A new ministry opportunity I had no idea would be in my future.
My health is being restored by the great Jehovah Rappha.
I’m able to run again for the first time almost three years.
XL exam gloves that I can fit on my head.
New friendships.
Old friendships that continue to grow stronger through the ups and downs of lifes.
Restored relationships.
Books. There are never enough.
Knowing my father is in Heaven.
A step-father who loves Jesus.
Financial healing.
Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. 
Joyce Meyer’s boldness to speak truth into my life.
My new dog Shatzi, even though she’s deaf.
The worship band at Woodland Hills Family Church.
The new Darlene Zschech album, “Revealing Jesus.”
ALO with green tea
The fan noise on my iPad
My 12 year old cousin, Caleb, who is growing faster than he should be allowed to.
Hand Sanitizer
Flip-flops
Evernote. It organizes my life.
The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. This book will change your life, at least once.
The ability to read through the Bible in chronological order. It’s wow!
My small group, who meet every Monday night to study God’s Word together. We laugh a lot.
Dropbox. It too makes my life more organized and easier.
Massage Therapy. Some thing it’s for fun, but it’s been key in my healing.
My chiropractor. He’s a man who serves Jesus with all his heart and has helped restore me back to health in so many way.

The list could probably go on. I have so many things to be grateful for.

You see, I may be sitting in the ER right now, but I’m doing it with a smile. Why? Because I know Satan has plans to derail me and the calling God has put on my life. He must not know me well, because I’m a fighter.

I will smile. I will praise God. And I will remember I am in one heck of a spiritual battle.

Guess what? Jesus wins!

What are you thankful for today? Leave a comment below… 

I’m Going to Counseling

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I met with a friend the other day who is going through some struggles. She’s been walking a path lately that’s led to some hard consequences, but her heart desires to follow God and take a different path.

We were processing this together and making plans to head down the right road.

As she was sharing a few of her struggles with me, I validated her in understanding what she was going through. During our conversation, she looked at me like I had two heads, after I told her I had just come from an appointment with a Christian counselor.

You see, she thought I was going through life just fine, without any problems. 

“Every time I hear someone talk about you, they talk about how good you’re doing and how great life is for you,” she said.

I just laughed. She was confused. She assumed that I no longer have problems, that I handle every situation perfectly, and that life is perfect for me. Not even close!

Life isn’t perfect for me. It’s not perfect for anyone.

Lately, my heart has been heavy. It hasn’t been in a good place and I haven’t been able to put my finger on the one thing causing it. Turns out it may be more than one thing.

So, I decided I needed a tune up. I needed to go process my heart with someone who specializes in that. And so I did.

I sat down on the couch of a Christian counselor and I shared my struggles with her. I talked. She listened. She talked. I listened. She made suggestions and I soaked up her advice.

Now, today, it is my job to apply those suggestions to my life. And I’m excited about them. I’m excited to work on my heart and strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

Life will never be perfect.

No matter your spiritual walk with Christ, you will always have things to work on. That goes for me, you, and the neighbor next door.

Does this mean life isn’t great? Absolutely not. It means life is real. It means we are constantly fighting a spiritual battle against the enemy.

Let’s fight together. 

My vulnerability and transparency was freeing to my friend, because it was a reminder she wasn’t the only one struggling. It was a reminder whether you are mopping floors, leading a ministry, teaching children, bandaging patients, and anything else, none of us are above the other.

We’re all God’s children. We were all created in His image. We all struggle. It’s inevitable.

I write this to you as encouragement. Perhaps you’ve been considering counseling, but your pride says, “no way.” Maybe you need a tune up in an area of your life.

Not that you need permission, but I want to tell you today that it’s ok. Go get that tune up. You never know who it will inspire to do the same.

Your transparency and vulnerability could lead others to walk down a road of light vs. darkness.

Isn’t it worth it, if it only changes one person? I think so.

Here’s to walking through your struggles with you!

When has your vulnerability been an example to others? Share in the comments below. I’d love to hear about it… 

Why I’m Excited About This Book and You Should Be Too

I’ve been a fan of Tommy Newberry since I was first introduced to his book, The 4:8 Principle. The words in that book changed me. As a matter of fact, I’m in a point in my life where perhaps I should read it again.

When I heard the news he was writing another book based on this principle, for teenagers, I got excited. However, what’s even more exciting is that my friend Lyn Smith is the co-author. I’m so proud and excited for her and this opportunity to be involved in such a powerful project.

I know it will change the lives of teenagers. 

I introduce to you Think 4:8, 40 Days to a Joy-Filled Life for Teens. The book is based of Philippians 4:8 (TLB).

Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on teh fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about it.”

This book isn’t for Mom or Dad. It’s for the teenager. In today’s world, we are pulled 100 different directions. We try to fit into every circle, be involved in every activity, and when we try to follow Jesus on top of it, life gets hard.

Being a teenager today seems harder than it used to be.

Tommy and Lyn wrote this 40-day challenge to upgrade the thinking and refresh the attitude of teenagers. We don’t have to live in insecurity. The words of other people do not define us. It’s time for the next generation to understand they were designed by a God who is excited to shape their future.

I’m excited about this book and I want you to be excited, too. Whether you have a teenager or know someone who does, I encourage you to gift them with this book. Oh.. and if you haven’t read The 4:8 Principle for yourself, I highly recommend that, too.

It will rock your world!

The book releases September 3, but you can pre-order it now. Not only does pre-ordering a book help the authors, but you have the opportunity to be one of the first to receive the book when it releases. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Click here to order your copy today and help spread an awesome message to a generation desperate for it.

Have you read any of Tommy Newberry’s books? What has been your favorite? Leave a comment below… 

A Letter to Dolly Parton

Dear Dolly,

Isn’t it amazing how God’s hand is in something and it takes years before we even know about it? Let me tell you a story.

I was eight years old, sitting around the kitchen table during a weekend visit to my dad’s house. I heard this unfamiliar voice come on the radio, and within seconds, my life changed.

The song was “Silver and Gold.” As I listened to your voice, I knew I wanted to hear that song over and over again. My mom bought the cassette tape of “Eagle When She Flies” and I eventually wore it out. Actually, I’m listening to the CD as I write this. It’s still my favorite.

You see, that song and your voice meant more to me then you’ll probably ever know. I really had no idea what the song meant. I hadn’t learned about Jesus, but I knew when I heard that song, I would be safe.

By the time I was introduced to your music I had been molested by three different people. The smell of whiskey was a familiar scent in my life, as I had learned to mix my dad’s drinks by the time I was six. I longed for his acceptance, but often felt abandoned and convinced he loved alcohol more than me. My mom was working all the time to support us. I felt alone in the world from a very early age.

But when I turned your music on I could drown out the world. I was safe. If only for a moment. Safe from anyone hurting me. Safe from the pain of the world. Safe from the reality of fear that hovered over me. I grew up reading about you, watching you on television, and listening to your music. I would hear you talk about God and something inside me longed for that relationship you had with Him, even though I didn’t yet understand it.

Most of my life was spent running from something. Running from pain. I ran to food, alcohol, drugs, and relationships I didn’t belong in. I ran from the memory of being raped as a teenager. Whatever would make the pain stop. Then, in 2006, I was introduced to Jesus. I was introduced to the Savior you had been unknowingly teaching me about for years. My life hasn’t looked the same since.

In 2009, my father died because of addiction. I could no longer hold the sadness of my heart in and I was at the end of myself. I too needed help, and so for one intense year, I lived with a former prostitute, drug dealer, drug addict, and alcoholic, in a women’s discipleship program. There, in the midst of one of the hardest times of my life, I finally understood the love of God. I finally grasped grace, mercy, and redemption.

Today I walk in freedom. I understand my father was a broken, hurting man. I have forgiven those who abused me. I’ve lost 145 lbs., and I experience joy I never knew possible.

In a few weeks I will be 30 years old, and God has me on a path I never knew I would walk on. I am going into full-time ministry, opening a residential discipleship program for women, called Esther’s House of Redemption, much like the one I graduated from, in Branson, MO. I will be using my past and the redemption God has shown me, to offer hope to broken women. And you can bet they’ll be introduced to your music.

You taught me about Jesus when I was a small child and neither of us knew it. You sang a song that unknowingly drew me near to our Savior. Of all the songs in the world, that would be the first I heard from Dolly Parton? Coincidence? I think not. God has His hand in everything and I love that about Him.

I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for never giving up on your dreams, despite people laughing at you. Thank you for recording “Silver and Gold.” Thank you for talking about Jesus, even when I didn’t know who He was. Thank you for being a safe place to run to when I didn’t know where else I could turn. Thank you for being you.

Someday, I look forward to the opportunity to shake your hand and give my heartfelt appreciation for the wisdom you have shared with me. For teaching me about perseverance. For teaching me about dreaming dreams that are bigger than we could ever imagine. It would be my honor to have you visit the house we are transforming for the women. To see first hand the lives you are helping transform, because you were a key part in transforming mine.

See you next time you’re in Branson, perhaps?

Sincerely,

Sundi Jo

It’s Not Your Fault

I finally decided to watch the movie Good Will Hunting. I knew it had won awards. I knew Robin Williams, Matt Damon, and Ben Affleck were in it.

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Beyond that, I had no idea what it was about, but Netflix recommended it while I was on the elliptical, so I went for it.

Matt Damon is a janitor at a university by day. But at night, when all the other students leave the building, Damon is a math whiz, who solves formulas even the professor can’t. Then he goes to the bar with his buddies, drinks his problems away, and starts over the next day.

The professor quickly catches on and realizes Will (Damon) is a genius, but everything about his life says otherwise. He is a foul-mouthed, disrespectful, punk kid. On the surface anyway. Deep down, however, he is crying for help, a little boy desperately seeking some validation.

Robin Williams plays a psychologist assigned to get to the “deeper issues” of Will’s heart, but Will isn’t interested. His plan is to push Sean Maguire (Williams) away, just as he has done with everyone else in his life.

Foster parents had given up on him, beat him, burned him, and more. He had never understood the concept of grace and love. After realizing this psychologist wasn’t going to just throw in the towel, Will softens little by little.

Then came these words of out Maguire’s mouth. Words that changed the heart of this kid and set his life on a different course.

It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

Will finally grasps the truth. He finally realizes he wasn’t responsible for the pain inflicted on him as a child. Finally, after years of building walls around his heart, he is able to let it go, as he embraces Maguire and cries tears of safety for the first time in his life.

I write this to YOU today. 

You, the one whose father molested and raped you.

You, the one whose mother beat you beyond recognition.

You, the one whose teacher told you how worthless you were.

You, the one whose uncle told you if you told anyone he would kill you.

It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry those things happened to you. I’m sorry  you couldn’t trust those with authority over you. I’m sorry they lied to you. I’m sorry they hurt you. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.

Today, though, is different. Today is a new day. 

Today is the day to embrace God’s love for you. Today is the day to understand what His grace for you means. Today is the day for you to grasp the truth about who you are and how much the God who created you loves you. Today is the day.

Today is the day you cry out for help to someone you can trust. Today is the day you allow them to embrace you as you cry until you can’t possibly get anymore tears out. Today is the day you stop allowing the past to control your future. Today is the day you believe there is hope.

Today is the day. 

Your past doesn’t have to be your future. I’m living proof. I want freedom for you. I’m praying for you. I’m believing in a new future for you.

I love you.

The Best Version of You

“You can be anything you want to be.” Those are the words spoken to us from childhood.

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Men and women stand in the audition room on American Idol, belting out a tune that may kill the neighbor’s dog six states away, believing they really can sing. Why? Because their parents told them they could.

Mom heard little Sarah sing at the age of three and clapped at the solo concerts. Who wouldn’t? Every three-year old is the best singer in the world.

But when you’re 22 and you’re still singing in the same pitch you were at three, there’s a problem. 

My guess? You weren’t meant to be a singer. Ever.

Jon Acuff writes in Start, 

You can’t be “anything you want,” but you can be something even better: the best version of you.

Yes! This makes so much sense. We aren’t all singers, writers, musicians, doctors, you get the point. I work with an IT guy and I’m pretty sure the size of his brain would give me a headache if we were to trade places.

Guess what? I’m so okay with not knowing why this cord doesn’t allow that hard drive to process the dishwasher’s defibulator when the qpx crosses the fiver. (Confused yet?)

Trying to be good at everything will leave us good at nothing. 

I may not be an IT tech and I can’t sing either, but there are several things I can be the best version of me at. I’m a speaker, a writer, a leader. I’m good at those things. Why? Because God designed me to love them. He continues to teach me how to be better. And I continue to want to be better because He has put those gifts in me.

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. – Psalm 37:4

Are you doing what you love? Are you pursuing a passion that wakes you up everyday? Are you striving to be the best version of you?

If not, it’s time to S.T.A.R.T.

How to Tame a Deaf Dog

I wanted a dog. It had been several years since I’d had one and frankly, I was tired of living in my apartment by myself. So, I woke up one morning and declared, “I want a dog!”

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Within two days, a friend, who volunteers at the local humane society, called to say she had the perfect dog waiting for me. A few hours later, I headed up there to meet the sweet creature to see if we were a match. I took her for a walk, rubbed her ears, and even got a gentle kiss from her.

Then I left. 

I didn’t want to make any rash decisions. Afterall, owning a dog is a big investment for me right now. Could I afford her? Did I have the time for her? Would I be a good doggy mom?

Four days later I brought her home. Dog food – check. Treats – check. Name tag – check. Something besides the television to talk to – check.

When I got home from work the next day, I couldn’t find her. I yelled for her, looked under the bed, checked the shower. Nothing. Then I found her bunched up on a pile of my little cousins stuff animals next to the couch. There she was, sleeping soundly. I said her name repeatedly, but nothing. It wasn’t until I reached out to pet her, that her startled eyes met mine and she was awake and ready to play.

Do I have a deaf dog? 

Sure enough. After a few “tests,” I had reached my conclusion. My dog couldn’t hear a lick as they say in the redneck language I grew up with.

I must be honest and say having a deaf dog was certainly not in my plans. I wanted a companion I could talk to. I wanted to be greeted everyday when the keys rattled in the front door. I wanted to make up pet words that only she understood. Pardon the pun.

It turns out you can’t always get what you want, but you always get what you need. (Tweetable, no?)

I needed Shatzi. Though I’m still in the beginning stages of learning why, it makes sense. God is calling me into an area of my life where compassion and patience will be tested like never before. Why not use a deaf dog to start the process?

I’m learning to communicate differently. Though she can’t hear me, I still talk to her. Though she can’t hear the keys rattle, when she sees me coming, she runs towards me, tail wagging. And I still have the comfort in knowing she’s sitting right beside me on the couch as I write this, as content as can be.

I’m reminded that everything isn’t about me. 

I’m learning a deeper love. I’m learning patience (sometimes more than I want to). I’m learning about loyalty.

They say dogs are a man’s best friend and I would have to agree with that. She can’t hear a word I’m saying, yet she trusts me enough to let me bend down, kiss her face and utter words from my lips she will never hear. I think we’re a great fit.

Name a time in your life God gave you what you needed instead of what you wanted. Answer in the comments below…

Conquering My Fear of Men

Men. I’m 29 years old and sometimes the word still triggers me. In a moment, pain will stir in my heart and I’m reminded I still have healing to do.

I know all men are not created equal, but most of my life was spent believing that.

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The first sexual contact I experienced was at the age of four, by a man. Then another. Then another.

I was convinced that the one man I desperately wanted to love me, my own father, chose alcohol over me.

He beat my mother. He beat my step-mother. I learned to mix his first drink at six years old. His friends, all men, were the same. They always smelled of whiskey or beer and I’m sure they only owned one shirt.

Not only was I struggling with my own view of men from an early age, but my mother was doing the same. Through her own disdain and fear of men, she was teaching me that men were evil. So far she had proved her theory to be true, so it was easy to believe.

I lost my virginity at a young age, assuming it was the thing to do. Isn’t that what so many of us believe?

Today I’m guest posting for my friend Jennifer over at Prayerfully Speaking. 

Click here to read the rest of the post.