Pam Laricchia's Blog, page 37
February 22, 2017
EU060: Q&A Round Table
Anne Ohman and Anna Brown, both veteran unschooling parents, join me to answer listener questions. Click here to submit your own question to the Q&A Round Table!
Quote of the Week
“When we really hear one another and work toward understanding each other’s needs, finding the solutions that are win-win, life is just easier and more joyful.” ~ Anna Brown
Listener Questions
Anonymous Question [TIME: 4:42]
Dear Pam, Anne, and Anna,
I came across unschooling when doing a school report (LOL) on education. I have been following your podcast since the early episodes and it is great! Thank you 
February 15, 2017
EU059: Unschooling Dads with Rocco Laricchia
Rocco Laricchia is an unschooling dad of three young adult children and is married to the show host, Pam! In this episode we talk about how he answered the typical kid questions at work, what he found challenging and what he enjoyed about unschooling, and what he appreciates most about unschooling our children.
Quote of the Week
“The symbolic language of the crucifixion is the death of the old paradigm; resurrection is a leap into a whole new way of thinking.” ~ Deepak Chopra
One of the additional challenges with the journey to unschooling is that oftentimes there is one parent who is spearheading this journey to unschooling for the family. What about the other parent? That was our situation, so before we got into the interview, I shared a blog post I wrote almost four years ago talking about ways to support our spouses or partners as they too learn about unschooling:
Learning is Learning No Matter Your Age … or helping the reluctant spouse/partner/other significant adult in your child’s life learn about unschooling.
Questions for Rocco
Let’s take a moment to go back to the beginning when I first discovered homeschooling was legal and, pretty soon after, we figured we’d try it out and see how it went. I remember it was March Break and I went around and told each of the kids that, apparently, they didn’t have to go to school and would they like to stay home instead? To which they all said, “Yes!” I remember feeling both scared, because this was so different than anything I had ever thought I’d do, and excited, because it seemed like an amazing answer to our challenges with the schools. Do you remember how you felt at the time?
I stayed home with the kids and you’d go to work every day and, especially since you were often meeting with customers, I bet you were regularly asked the typical social questions like, “Nice to meet you, Rocco. You have kids? What grade are they in?” How did you answer that question?
So, not only were you surrounded by conventional parenting and education conversations daily at work, you also weren’t at home most days to see the kids’ learning in action, which is what helped me better understand and build trust in unschooling. That’s so hard! And I know there were times over the years when you were feeling less sure about unschooling. What helped you move through those times?
What were a couple of the things you enjoyed most about the unschooling lifestyle?
What was one of the most challenging aspects of moving to unschooling for you?
Looking back now that our kids are now young adults, what do you appreciate most about unschooling?
Episode Transcript
February 8, 2017
EU058: Unschooling as a Single Parent with Melissa
Melissa is unschooling mom to a lively eight-year-old and, being a single parent, also works as a nanny to support them. In our conversation, she shares how they weave unschooling and her work as a nanny together, why she began an online community for single unschooling parents like her, and why her son chooses unschooling.
Quote of the Week
“If you give them that freedom to look at a situation from their own perspective, sometimes they are going to learn something completely different than what you would have taught them. It becomes so much more meaningful for them.” ~ Melissa
Questions for Melissa
Can you share with us a bit about you and your family and how you discovered unschooling?
What was it about unschooling that inspired you to choose it as a lifestyle for you and your son?
On your Facebook page, you recently posted a picture, which I loved, of a cake your son made. With it, you wrote, “It was tasty, especially for winging it. He loves to cook this way and it’s been a great lesson for me in stepping back and allowing the learning to happen. Baking is my thing and I like to follow recipes until I get the hang of things. For him, I believe it’s more of a science experiment mentality. That choice to step back and give our child’s exploration space to unfold in its own way is pretty key, isn’t it?
You’ve shared online that you work as a nanny. Can you share some of the reasons behind that choice?
How do you to weave unschooling and your work together?
Can you share one of your biggest challenges around unschooling as a single mom and how you worked—or continue to work—through it?
What is your one of your favourite parts about unschooling with your son?
Links to Things Mentioned in the Show
Melissa’s blog, Single Mom Unschooling
And her social media: Facebook page and Instagram!
Episode Transcript
February 1, 2017
EU057: Ten Questions with Akilah S. Richards
Akilah S. Richards is an unschooling mom to two lovely daughters. She’s also an author, a podcast showrunner and host, and on the organizing team of the Alliance for Self-Directed Learning. She answers my ten questions about her unschooling experience with candor and enthusiasm, and I hope you too enjoy our conversation!
Quote of the Week
“In a partnership when your focus is on harmony, you’re not trying to focus on what everyone should be doing, not trying to fit everybody into your unit. You’re allowing everyone to be and, in so doing, everyone feels free to be themselves. That’s how we got to see how whole they already are.” ~ Akilah S. Richards
Ten Questions for Akilah
Can you share with us a bit about you and your family, and how you came to unschooling?
I’d love to hear about what your children are up to. What are they interested in right now and how are they pursuing it?
You’ve written a book about the beginning of your journey to unschooling, titled, Our Transition into Unschooling, with the awesome subtitle, “Raising independent thinking, information seeking, self-directed lovers of learning and life all through school-free living.” Writing about your rationale behind choosing unschooling, you mentioned your realization that children are underestimated by adults. You wrote, “I had no idea how much children felt … and processed … and understood … and could articulate their feelings.” I loved that, and it was a big realization for myself as well. Can you share a bit about how that it came about?
As you transitioned to unschooling, one of your big questions was, “What about math?” It’s a common—and valuable—question to ask ourselves. Digging into it, you got to the perspective that “Math is a living principle, not a higher learning concept meant for college professors and “smart people” who teach.” Can you talk a bit about how you got there?
You shared a tip in the book that I think is so valuable for unschooling but that can sound pretty crazy when you’re first starting out. It was, “don’t approach your children as if you already know what they need.” That turns out to be a pretty key perspective, doesn’t it?
You are one of the members of the organizing team of The Alliance for Self-Directed Education. Can you tell us a bit about the organization and its purpose?
You had a great article in the inaugural issue of Tipping Points, the digital magazine being published by the Alliance for Self-Directed Education. In it, you explained that, for you, “unschooling is a vehicle for liberation; a way to walk a path rooted in our strengths and deepest interests.” What does that look like for you and your family?
You also host a podcast, Fare of the Free Child. I’ve listened to a couple of episodes and have really enjoyed them. I love that you make the point that with your work and your podcast you represent a space, not a set of people. Can you share a bit about the inspiration behind your podcast and that distinction?
You mentioned on your most recent podcast episode that next year you guys will be travelling to Africa. Can you tell us a bit about your family’s digital nomad lifestyle and how plans for the trip came about?
Looking back now, what, for you so far, has been the most valuable outcome from choosing unschooling?
Links to Things Mentioned in the Show
You can watch my talk, The Art of Unschooling, at the Canadian Online Homeschool Conference , which runs February 3-7, 2017 (that’s an affiliate link, but my session is free to watch February 3rd and 4th)
I’m also speaking at Unschooler’s Platform, an unschooling family conference in the Chicago area, February 13-17, 2017
Akilah’s podcast, Fare of the Free Child
Akilah’s on the organizing team of the Alliance for Self-Directed Education
Seth Godin’s free book, Stop Stealing Dreams (PDF)
Language app, Hello Talk
Akilah’s book: Our Transition Into Unschooling
ASDE digital magazine, Tipping Points
Akilah’s article in Tipping Points, Navigating Unschooling and Blackness In the American Education System
Learning Reimagined Conference in South Africa
Akilah’s website, akilasrichards.com
Akilah on social media: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram
Episode Transcript
January 25, 2017
EU056: Q&A Round Table
Anne Ohman and Anna Brown, both veteran unschooling parents, join me to answer listener questions. Click here to submit your own question to the Q&A Round Table!
Quote of the Week
“Today I will connect with my child, expand his world, bring joy into his life and nurture and encourage what he loves to do.” ~ Anne Ohman
Listener Questions
Anonymous Question [TIME: 4:27]
I have twin boys (almost 8) and an 11-year-old daughter. I have always said yes, because of the whining and crying with the twins (they are high strung, zero patience and harp on things). So the boys have tantrums every day about wanting to wear a specific shirt or shorts (that they missed placed) and it’s every day and fighting in the car and punching and hitting and screaming and I am at the point where I lose it and flip out (my parents NEVER yelled at me). My husband yells; now I yell and I try not to but they get me to my wit’s end. I do not know how to fix it. I do what you say, sit with them, play games, read to them (they fight over who sits next to me…). There’s no control (not that I want to control them—they don’t value my husband or me and only act good if I break down and cry).
Sonia’s Question [TIME: 17:53]
Hi, my kids are still little (five and seven), and we follow their interests as much as possible, but, to be honest, it’s expensive. I often find that I’ll invest in something that they’ve shown a sustained interest in, only to find that as soon as I spend on it, ARGH, they are on to the next thing. I find that what happens then is that I turn into school-teacher-mum and ‘we have to do this because I’ve spent money on it.’ How do I balance providing rich resources without being rich ourselves? And teach the kids to value resources that are invested in them? Thanks!
Jennie’s Question [TIME: 31:20]
Hi Pam, Anna & Anne, thanks so much for taking the time to answer our questions. I continue to learn so much every week.
I’m a mom of 3 kids, 7, 4 & 2. I’ve been deschooling for a year and only my eldest daughter attended one year of JK.
I find myself in a bit of a dilemma after a conversation with my husband (who hasn’t deschooled to the point that I have, not that I’m that far at all, but he has less overall patience with the kids).
Here’s the dilemma, it’s the holidays so I’ve been super busy trying to do everything & think of everything plus work has been a little more involved these last few weeks (I work part time from home) and today after numerous attempts to get my older two to stop hitting one another raised my voice and got angry. Now, I have made a lot of progress with patience and compassion but I’m human and I made a mistake. Afterwards, we were getting in the car and they started again. I angrily got in the driver’s seat and forgot to pass them their iPads, normally I would have pulled over at this point and grabbed them for them but not today. Today, I decided, no iPads on the trip back home. They complained a bit. They got over it. Mistake #2!
When I picked up my husband, I explained what had happened and his reaction upset me. He said “good, it’s good for them to understand that people have limits, it’s human nature and their behaviour can sometimes result in negative consequences.”
Although I disagree with my own behaviour towards them and don’t feel it helped deepen our connection at all, the fact that he connected it to people’s human nature having limits and the kids learning I had my own jolted me a bit. It caused me for a second to think that he had a point (shocking!). Is this part of learning about one another?
I should add that I believe I often struggle with balance between being too permissive however that might be me working through more deschooling while being surrounded by people who aren’t.
Curious about your perspective, thanks!
Jen’s Question [TIME: 44:12]
I have an almost 18-month-old and I’m very drawn to unschooling. I’m curious how you would apply this philosophy to the sleep issue we are currently dealing with. I believe that sleep should be like food—that my son should sleep when he’s tired and be awake when he’s rested, regardless of whether that is on the schedule people think an 18-month-old “should” be on.
But, it seems the last couple months my son has a very hard time actually going to sleep. Often in the evening, he will start to seem tired—rubbing his eyes or getting a little cranky. So we will say, it looks like you’re getting tired & we’ll brush his teeth, get him dressed for bed, read a story, turn on the white noise in the dark & then nurse or rock to sleep (depending on whether it’s me or my husband doing it). He will be floppy, limp, drowsy—clearly ready to sleep—but it will either take 2+ hours before his eyes actually close or after about 30 mins he will wake himself up and be ready to play again. At that point, if we continue to hold onto him and try to put him to sleep it becomes a wrestling match with a lot of crying that lasts an hour or more before he finally sleeps. If we don’t fight him, he will often stay up until 11 or midnight or even later, and when he starts acting tired again and we try to put him to sleep again, it still takes over an hour before his eyes close.
If he were able to just go in his room and go to sleep on his own like an older child, I wouldn’t mind him staying up so late- but that is later than I want to be up, and it means I’m not getting enough sleep to function during the day, and it also means I’m not getting any time to myself or to spend with my husband. We don’t have this issue with his nap—when he starts acting tired for a nap, I change his diaper, turn on the white noise, make his room dark & he nurses to sleep within 10 or 15 mins.
Thank you for your insight!
Jen’s Question [TIME: 57:20]
I have 1 son, 18 months, and I am unschooling him. I love everything about it, watching him learn, explore, get excited, discover things, and share all of that with him. I love showing him the breadth of the world- for instance, he got interested in some toy trains, so I have shown him pictures of real trains, videos, we have ridden trains, and gotten him other train sets with tracks. It’s so much fun to explore each interest with him.
My question is about how to balance that with the household work that needs to be done—cooking, cleaning etc. I try to let my son participate in these things if he wants, or go off and play by himself while I work if he prefers. He is often content to play on his own without interaction with me, to the point where I could spend most of the day doing housework with little interaction with him beyond changing diapers & helping him get snacks when he asks for food. In so many of your answers to people you talk about spending time doing the things your kids love with them to see what they love & see them shine- so I’m curious how you balance that with the time needed for housework, especially with young children (since “help” from him can make a 10 min task take hours) and also any thoughts on whether I need to more actively stop my adult agenda to engage with him (sit near him and watch him play) or just let him go on his own until he asks for my attention.
It just seems like a lot of letting him do whatever he wants without engagement, but if I always engage with what he wants to do then I never get housework done. (While he’s sleeping isn’t really an option for us, because he will rarely sleep without me lying next to him, and in those rare times that is my precious alone time for self-care).
Links to things mentioned in the show
Anne’s conference talk, What Is so Radical about Radical Unschooling? text or audio
Pam’s conference talk, A Family of Individuals, text or audio
Pam’s blog post: Unschooling and the Power Paradigm
Childhood Redefined Summit
Anna talked about the book, The No Cry Sleep Solution
Submit your own Q&A question here
Episode Transcript
January 18, 2017
EU055: Living Unschooling with James and Taylor Davis
James and Taylor Davis both originally went to college to become teachers. Taylor did teach in an elementary school for a number of years, while James ended up playing poker professionally. Eventually, they settled in New Jersey and started down a pretty traditional path—until their first son was born. He has been their greatest teacher in many ways, inspiring them to start questioning everything. And so began their unschooling journey.
Quote of the Week
“Every minute that I spend living in that place of fear about whatever hypothetical thing I’m worried about might happen in the future, it’s just eating away at my time right now with my kids and with my family.” ~ Taylor Davis
Questions for James and Taylor
Can you guys tell us a bit about you and your family?
You both went to college to be teachers and now you’re embracing the unschooling lifestyle. Could you share with us a bit about that experience and what happened to change your course?
I was hoping you could tell us a bit about Camp Stomping Ground. What role has it played in your unschooling journey?
What do you do when you hit a rough patch and begin to doubt unschooling?
James, you wrote a great article that was published in the December issue of Tipping Points, which is the online magazine for the new Alliance for Self-Directed Education. Sometimes when people are first learning about unschooling it can seem like some “perfect” life for children, but I really loved how you described the real life of an unschooled child. You wrote:
“Our kids still make mistakes, but we help them work through their mistakes without shame. Our kids sometimes have regrets, but they don’t resent us for causing them to miss out on the things that are important to them. Our kids sometimes get angry, but it usually comes from frustrating moments while doing things are important to them, rather than getting angry because we are a barrier between them and their goals.”
I love that you brought up regrets because I think regrets kinda get the same bad rap that mistakes do. As parents, we can get caught up in wanting our children to have the “perfect” childhood and imagine that as no mistakes and no regrets. I think parents have an easier time understanding how mistakes can happen and not shaming their kids as they through those choices, but regrets can be harder to frame. If a child later comes to regret a choice, parents may feel bad, taking it on as their failure, thinking they “should have” insisted their child do, or not do, the thing at the source of the regret. But it’s really just more learning for the child, isn’t it? Regrets aren’t a failure on our part, are they? They are part of navigating life.
You mentioned to me that you’re both self-employed and spend about an equal of time with your kids. I’d love to hear how you’ve gotten to that point.
Links to Things Mentioned in the Show
You can watch my talk, The Art of Unschooling, at the Canadian Online Homeschool Conference , which runs February 3-7, 2017 (that’s an affiliate link, but my session is free to watch February 3rd and 4th)
I’m also speaking at Unschooler’s Platform, an unschooling family conference in the Chicago area, February 13-17, 2017
RSA Animate video of Sir Ken Robinson’s 2010 talk, Changing Education Paradigms
The camp they founded with Laura Kriegel and Jack Schott: Camp Stomping Ground
Documentary, Surfwise
Near the camp is the Philly Free School
Teresa Graham Brett’s book, Parenting for Social Change
James’ Tipping Points article, Why Self-Directed Education?
Taylor’s online community, created with Fiona Griffin: New Mama Project. It’s a “place for new moms who are feeling overwhelmed, guilty, anxious, or alone because they’re finding their postpartum days to be harder than they expected. We offer stories, information, ideas, planning and wellness tools, and connection to other moms who are in the same boat.”
Camp Stomping Ground on the web: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram
Taylor on Instagram (private account but she’ll add unschooling families)
Episode Transcript
January 12, 2017
January 11, 2017
EU054: From Teaching to Unschooling with Grace Koelma
Grace Koelma studied primary school teaching at university, but after a year of teaching in Australia she became disillusioned with the mainstream schooling system and left. She began working as a journalist, following her passion for writing, eventually finding a way to weave together her passions for education, unschooling, and writing and starting Mulberry Magazine in 2015. I had a great time chatting with Grace and digging into her journey from teaching to unschooling!
Quote of the Week
“We have a cultural notion that if children were not engineered, if we did not manipulate them, they would grow up as beasts in the field. This is the wildest fallacy in the world.” ~ Joseph Chilton Pearce
Questions for Grace
Can you share with us a bit about you and your family?
You studied primary school teaching at university and taught for a year. What did you discover about children and learning through that experience?
How did you go from disenchanted with the formal education system to embracing the unschooling lifestyle? What has deschooling looked like for you?
Children really are intrinsically hardwired to learn, right from birth. And when we focus on our connection with them through an attachment parenting style and support that drive to learn, that can flow rather seamlessly into unschooling, can’t it?
You wrote a great post about the 11 biggest myths around homeschooling, and there was one in particular I’d like to chat about: that homeschooling parents are micro-managing helicopter parents. It can sometimes look like that from the outside, but our engagement with our children is coming from a completely different perspective, isn’t it?
I’ve been hearing the term “childism” more often lately, referring to a systemic prejudice against children as a group, stemming from a belief that they are property and should be controlled. Can you share your thoughts around this idea?
You and your husband founded Mulberry Magazine, a quarterly digital magazine that covers homeschooling, unschooling, and alternative education. Can you share how that came about? I love hearing about the different ways families are supporting their unschooling lifestyle.
Links to Things Mentioned in the Show
John Taylor Gatto’s book, Weapons of Mass Instruction
Ken Robinson’s talk, Bring on the learning revolution!
Kim John Payne’s book, Simplicity Parenting
Grace’s article: Myth busting everything you thought you knew about homeschooling
Grace and Eric’s digital homeschooling magazine: Mulberry Magazine
Episode Transcript
January 4, 2017
EU053: Book Chat with Emma Marie Forde
Emma Marie Forde is unschooling mom to two girls, Lily and Rosa. She’s also the founder of the website, rethinkingparenting.co.uk. Before having children, Emma was a clinical psychologist, a career that informed her choice to stay home with her own children and which eventually led her and her husband John to choose unschooling for their family.
This week, Emma and I have a great chat about Scott Barry Kaufman’s book, Ungifted: Intelligence Redefined, looking at the ideas through the lens of unschooling.
Quote of the Week
“A nurturing family environment is a necessity to help the child flourish, just as a fish needs water to swim and survive.” ~ Scott Barry Kaufman
Ungifted: Intelligence Redefined , by Scott Barry Kaufman
The book is a fascinating journey into the science of intelligence, interwoven with stories of Scott’s personal experience with being labeled as learning disabled in school. By the end of the book, he brings it all together with his Theory of Personal Intelligence, which goes well beyond the traditional metrics of IQ and standardized testing, defining intelligence as “the dynamic interplay of engagement and abilities in pursuit of personal goals.” And it’s great to see that he means personal goals, not grades in disguise.
As he dives into interests and passions, engagement, mindset, learning, self-regulation, motivation, creativity, and the importance of a nurturing family environment, we find strong connections with what unschooling parents have discovered through living and learning with our children.
I really enjoyed the book—and our conversation!
Links to Things Mentioned in the Show
Emma’s earlier episode, EU031: Ten Questions with Emma Marie Forde
The book: Ungifted: Intelligence Redefined, by Scott Barry Kaufman
Scott Barry Kaufman’s website
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s book: Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engagement with Everyday Life
Diving into passions and special interest areas: Joseph’s video games and Lissy’s Harry Potter
Peter Gray and Gina Riley’s grown unschoolers research
Pamela Slim’s book: Body of Work: Finding the Thread That Ties Your Story Together
Emma’s website: Rethinking Parenting
Emma’s post: ‘Ungifted: Intelligence Redefined’ by Scott Barry Kaufman – Book Review
Episode Transcript
December 28, 2016
EU052: Q&A Round Table
Anne Ohman and Anna Brown, both veteran unschooling parents, join me to answer listener questions. Click here to submit your own question to the Q&A Round Table!
Quote of the Week
“[There is] so much you can do to support and honor their game playing by showing an interest in all of it, even if you don’t like to play them yourself. Just so they know for sure that you’re not going to try to take it away from them again by limiting it—that you really embrace and enjoy and trust them with their joy. And that’s how you build trust with each other. They will learn to trust in you, because of your interest and enthusiasm, and you will learn to trust in them, by exploring it more and seeing the depth of the real learning that’s happening through their joy. And let me tell you, that is a beautiful thing.” ~ Anne Ohman
Listener Questions
Anonymous Question
Hello!
I consider us to be not just unschoolers, but radical unschoolers since we are life learners. It carries over to parenting and nearly every moment of our days. I would say that we are 95% radical, because of me coming from a public school background, I can’t totally free myself from this and just relax. Every time I turn around, I seem to be pulling out curriculum. Well, of course this never works for my kids! I have two adult children, whom I homeschooled. One actually unschooled. Both are doing great.
I have a teen who isn’t as driven as my previously unschooled child was and this concerns me. Hence, pulling out the curriculum. Again! Never works! I also have a 7yo and 2yo. I know that unschooling is the best fit for our family but how do I just relax?!! I’m sure that I need to deschool myself. It’s so hard though because at the end of the “school year”, we need to provide a portfolio in this state. I need to make sure that we have enough to submit for the year. I am looking forward to hearing what advice you may have. Help! And thank you!
Anonymous Question
Hello, I am unschooling my two boys, 9 and 13 years old, and recently I am more relax about the fact that they were spending so much time on the computer, before I allowed them two hours playing Minecraft, Clash of Clans, Royal… I don’t like video games at all but they love to play. Because I got very tired every day standing up next to them repeating the same words all the time to switch off the computer I stop doing that because they were angry to me later. Now I allow them to spend all the time they want playing and they are happier, but my question is: after six hours watching the screen without stopping, is it ok for their eyes? I am worried about that.
Josh’s Question
Hi Pam, my wife and I live in France and we are planning to unschool our two and a half year old son. We are a very environmentally concerned couple and take our principles very seriously when it comes to buying consumer products, especially food. We always try to know where it comes from, whether that particular industry or supplier or brand pollutes the environment, and of course how their workers are treated. We enjoy all your podcasts, but it seems you have a rather lax attitude toward how children eat. You basically say that “if they want to drink Coke, then let them.” But this conflicts with our principles, as well as the fact that Coke is pure sugar and chemicals and therefore quite bad for their health, not to mention the fact that Coke steals water from extremely poor regions of the world. In other words, there are very simple facts about some foods and beverages that are undeniable: they are bad for a child’s growth, their health, their performance and brain development, etc. In addition, it is completely irresponsible to purchase them or support their companies and brands if you want to have a planet for our children. What do we do to unschool while trying to stay aware of these facts? Thanks so much for your work and kind regards from France.
Liz’s Question
Hi Pam, Anna and Anne,
Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions, I absolutely love hearing your podcast and wait patiently every week for the next one. I really love the Q&A episodes because every question seems to answer so many of my worries and concerns as I continue to deschool. Your answers are so thoughtfully prepared and I just loving hearing the soothing calm and feeling that energy as I listen.
A little background. We have four boys, ages seven, five, three and a half, and 18 months. Our house is very busy and chaotic, but in a good way. We came to unschooling after researching alternatives to mainstream schooling. My now 7 year old had spent one year at Kindy. He did very well academically, but he struggled emotionally when at home, he seemed overwhelmed and exhausted. I started looking into other schools in the area, Steiner, Montessori, and then unfortunately we ended up moving with my husband’s work to a remote place and schooling options were dismal.
My son seemed to show lots of signs at home that he was finding it too much. The pressure of reading and writing and five full days of school with very limited outdoor play or play of any sort. The days he was at home he would be exhausted and turn to TV to relax, he also started to show signs of aggression and lots of frustration. I researched homeschooling, and shortly after we pulled my son out and started homeschooling, which within weeks turned to unschooling.
This was seven months ago and we have been really enjoying learning with each other and spending our days together. My son is still struggling with his emotions however; he has become more and more aggressive at home, so much so that it is frightening for everyone and must be frightening for him too. Since starting unschooling we have released our controls and limits on TV, computers, and so on. My son has been exploring these with such passion. He lights up when he talks about Terraria and Minecraft, and is learning so many things. I definitely have done lots of inner work in this area and am confident in his learning.
The only thing that does worry me as I find the days that he does spend a significant amount of time on his computer or watching YouTube, his aggression hits a high, he also complains of headaches frequently. We have discussed taking breaks, and getting fresh air and I am making snacks and drinks for him to keep him topped up. But he gets frustrated if I suggest that maybe he needs to have a stretch and to move around for a few minutes. With having three other young boys to care for, who are very busy and are always creating and coming up with all sorts of things they need me to help them with, I don’t get to spend as much time connecting with my seven year old. I sit with him and ask him about his games, and try to play along as best I can; I admit I am not very good, he is miles ahead of me.
However, my other children tend to be much more needing of my time. I miss my son and worry that I am failing him, especially because he seems to have such extreme emotions which I feel must be an unmet need. He is very confident, I would say he is extroverted and thrives off being around people talking, and he is always telling jokes and making people laugh. So I am always trying to organise situations where he can shine. He loves the ocean too. When he spends a day at the beach or a day playing with friends out and about, he seems to be thriving and his aggression seems to mellow. However he quite often doesn’t want to come. He will say he has a headache and wants to stay at home, then he seems frustrated and angry. Could his time in front of the computer be aggravating him, or could it be that he is using the computer as an escape from deeper emotions that are troubling him.
We have moved a lot recently with my husband’s work, and my husband has also been suffering from depression as a direct result of his work. This has affected our family in a big way, and we have been living apart recently because it was no longer a healthy or safe environment for our children. My son has always been very big hearted and emotional, he comes across as very confident, but is quite soft and tender inside. I worry that I am not meeting his needs, that he is using these things to escape his feelings. We spent a day together recently, just the two of us and it was magic; we swam at the beach for hours, crashing through the waves while he eagerly said come out further mum come on, telling me about the dangers of rips, telling me about how we can tell the time by the sun. He is amazing and I can completely see all the amazing things that he is learning and seeing and doing.
I remember Pam in one of your podcast you mentioned how you son could only have so many things happen in a day before his cup overflowed and things would go downhill from there. This seems to be my son, it seems if one or two things happen after another, he can’t cope and he will lose his temper. He will throw things, break things, pour food, water, anything on the carpet. If someone is in his way he will push them over or hit them. I will tell him that I have to hold him, to keep him safe, until he feels better. He eventually does after lots of screaming and lashing out at me, but it can take up to 20 minutes. We have tried meditation together and talk about breathing and how else I can help him. I feel like he can’t release much of his frustration in front of a computer; before he would run around, and wrestle with his brother or scoot around, kick a ball, all those things released the endorphins and he seemed to be calmer after he had been active.
Just yesterday, he woke up after going to bed with a headache and I suggested that he have a nice warm soothing bath while I get his breakfast ready—he said sounds good. After that I said would he mind trying a couple minutes of meditation with me, he said ok. It literally lasted a few minutes as he was itching to go play. He then played with his brother running around, wrestling, playing with the dog, building Lego and he just looked so refreshed and happy and he said he felt good. He then got the computer out and within an hour he was grumpy, and said his head hurt again. I mentioned taking a break for a few minutes even just readjusting his eyes and he just said no.
I feel like a bad parent just sitting by and watching but at the same time imposing a limit just doesn’t sit with me either. Is this just something he will learn if I support him and not push it.
I also have lots of concerned family saying that he is on the computer too much. I don’t find myself answering confidently enough, which shows me that I am still concerned about it myself.
Sorry if my question is a bit disjointed, but thank you again. Lots of blessings from Australia.
Susan’s Question
Hello ladies! I look forward every month to hearing your lovely wisdom!
Today, or these days in general, I think I just need some reassurance. I have two children, a 22-year-old daughter who is in college in the US, and a 9-year-old son. We live in a small town in Argentina.
My son went to public kindergarten for two years and had a very hard time adapting to some aspects. We helped start a new school that he went to for first grade and second grade, based on an Argentine system similar to Montessori or Waldorf, which he seemed to like at first. But although they were very lenient in their teaching, allowing children to learn reading and math at their own pace, they were very strict about their own social norms, and my son eventually started having a very hard time with that. Last year we took him out and formed a small (six families, seven kids) cooperative that we started thinking of as an unschooling experience, although we didn’t really understand what that meant when we started.
In our home we have worked very hard at developing an unschooling lifestyle over the last year, which has involved mostly a lot of internal work on my part, and it all feels very right to me. Each of the families sort of went its own way during the year, and only three of us are planning to continue next year. My son loves the cooperative, even though he complains about the attitudes and activities of the parents who never really got into unschooling, and he is very sad that half of the group will not be there next year (this is the end of the school year down here).
So…my doubts and need for reassurance…he spent 14 hours yesterday watching you-tubers on his kindle. That is his go-to activity lately, and he rarely accepts invitations from us to do anything else. It was a beautiful day outside, and I could see out the window behind him where he was lying on the couch, kids out with their parents playing by the river where we live. He doesn’t even stop to eat, preferring to eat while he watches. He even takes it to the bathroom. And usually wants to watch one more additional episode before he goes to bed.
The only thing that draws him away regularly (lately) is participation in the cooperative that meets at our house every afternoon, or playing with his new best friend, who is in the cooperative and lives next door. He does not like to be in groups of children where he does not know each child intimately. He is not interested in doing any outside activities—no sports, art or music classes that are provided by the government here and that the children in the cooperative who are leaving do. So after this week when the cooperative school year ends, his social circle will shrink even further.
I get Sandra Dodd’s daily “Just Add Light and Stir” words of wisdom, and today she talked about how if he is happy and engaged in what he is doing, he is learning. Well, he is CHOOSING to watch all day, and he certainly doesn’t seem to be bored. I can see some of the things he learns, and enjoy watching some of the videos with him. I know and love his favorite you-tubers, who share their hearts as well as their games with their viewers. So I don’t doubt that he is learning and happy with what he is doing, but I still have so much trouble on a day like yesterday accepting that it is okay for him to do that ALL day and not do anything else…oh, he did take a 15 minute break to shell pecans for me with a big hammer, and he told me thank you for asking me to do that because he had so much fun with it. But other than that, he literally spent the rest of his waking hours watching The Diamond Minecart!
He tends to be obsessive about things in spurts, and has gone through phases such as Sponge Bob and Spanish-speaking you-tubers, for example. He eats that way, too, some days wanting only oranges all day, and others peanut butter, or blueberries, or bread, etc. Some days he turns down his favorite foods, just says he doesn’t feel like eating them right then.
When he was younger, I tried to “mold” him, get him to eat regular meals at the table with us, nudged him towards what I considered to be “good” activities such as playing outside and getting some exercise every day, but it just didn’t work with him. He refused to be molded and I finally realized about a year ago that I could either continue those battles in order to try to get him to fit in and succeed in school and society, or back off and lovingly embrace who he is, and re-construct the bond with him that was beginning to crack.
Then I have these days and these doubts…Does it sound like what I am doing is okay? Am I doing him well by letting him do what he wants all day when all he wants to do is lie around and watch you-tube, or am I letting him down by not helping him find other things that he can enjoy and that could be good for his health and well-being? Is it okay that he is not exposed regularly to a wide variety of children and people?
Sorry this ended up being so long! I go in cycles with this, so by the time you answer I may even be out of this “doubting” slump, but today I feel I need encouragement and reassurance!
Links to things mentioned in the show
record keeping on the Unschooling Mom 2 Mom website
Pam’s blog post: Unschooling with Strong Beliefs
Kids, Carrots, and Candy: A Practical, Positive Approach to Raising Children Free of Food & Weight Problems
Sandra Dodd’s daily post, Just Add Light and Stir
Anne’s essay: I Am What I Am
Episode Transcript
