Pam Laricchia's Blog, page 33

EU098: My Five Most Popular Blog Posts

I haven’t had an episode focused on my own reflections about unschooling in a while, so I thought I’d do that this week. I decided to share five of my blog posts that have really resonated with readers over the years.

Here are descriptions and links to the blog posts:

Who Am I and What Makes Me Tick?

Why is it important to explore what makes us tick and what does that have to do with unschooling? I talk about some reasons why families choose to extend unschooling beyond academic learning. And that led me to ponder a common question when people first hear about the basics of unschooling, “How will they learn to get up for a job and become independent, successful adults?”

Are You Playing the Role of Mother?

I’ve always felt vaguely uncomfortable with the typical counsel to moms of younger kids along the lines of “remember to take time for yourself.” I finally caught a glimpse as to why as I pondered the question.

What Love Looks Like in Unschooling Families

Unschoolers can really be a confusing bunch to those looking in! On one hand, we appear to be sheltering our children from the real world by keeping them home—we’re overprotective. On the other hand, we appear to not really care about our children because we don’t enforce firm rules. Conventionally, it’s almost a given that at some point parents will explain to their kids, “I say no because I love you.” Boundaries equal love. What if freedom can equal love too?

Five Unconventional Ideas about Relationships with Teens

Everyone wins with strong, connected, respectful relationships. Conventionally, relationships with teens are painted as either/or: either you focus on maintaining authority (tough love) or you avoid challenges altogether (let them run wild). Yet unschooling families have found the beauty of living inside the spectrum of those extremes. In this post I look at some of the ways unschooling parents view relationships differently and what that can look like in the teen years.

Unschooling Grows Far Beyond “Not School”

This is about some of the unexpected and marvelous ways that choosing unschooling has helped me grow as a person.

***

If you’d like an easier way to read more about unschooling than having to navigate the depths of my website, four of these posts, along with fifty-three others, are included in my compilation book, Life through the Lens of Unschooling: A Living Joyfully Companion.

EU097: Unschooling and Diversity with Erika Davis-Pitre

Erika Davis-Pitre joins me to talk about unschooling and diversity. She and her husband, Michael, have four now-adult children and they enjoyed unschooling for many years. Erika continues to speak at unschooling conferences all over the US, her favourite topics being unschooling teens, the joy of unschooling, and celebrating diversity through unschooling. We dive into the value of digging into our own fears around diversity and race, ways to encourage diversity in our unschooling lives, tips on approaching challenging conversations with extended family members, and so much more!

Quote of the Week

“I really would hope that, especially in the unschooling community, diversity is achieved by moving out of your comfort zone, your area, your neighborhood, and moving into someone else’s culture, comfort zone, neighborhood, for all kinds of art classes, library things, swimming things, opportunities for all kinds of cultural and community experiences.” ~ Erika Davis-Pitre

Questions for Erika

Can you share with us a bit about you and your family?

What did your family’s move to unschooling look like?

I heard you speak at an unschooling conference earlier this year about unschooling and diversity and really enjoyed it. You shared some very enlightening stories about the subtle impact of privilege in our society. Can you share one with us?

As we move to unschooling, we learn the value of digging into our own fears and questioning conventional wisdom in many areas of our lives. For example, our fears around learning—that our children won’t learn if we don’t tell them what they need to know, or if we don’t insist that they follow a certain timetable. We eventually discover that we truly can trust them to learn—that they are born to learn—and our world opens up. Can we can apply this same process to our fears surrounding race and diversity?

Can you share some ways in which we can be more welcoming to families from the wide variety of backgrounds that exist in the unschooling community?

Do you have some tips on approaching these kinds of challenging conversations around diversity with extended family members?

Links to Things Mentioned in the Show

Erika on Facebook, and the FB group she moderates, Unschooling

Episode Transcript

Read the transcript here

 

EU096: Ordinary Unschooling with Anna Brown and Pat Robinson

Anna Brown and Pat Robinson join me to chat about ordinary unschooling. They have both always unschooled their children—Anna’s daughters are about to turn 18 and 20, and Pat’s son is 16 years old. We talk about the idea of “unschooling success stories,” the impact of the conventional “independence agenda” which starts very young in our culture, the incredible value of ordinary unschooling days, and lots more!

Quote of the Week

“I just want to take my moment here to encourage everybody to think about how we communicate with young people and instead of asking about school or college or life plans, talk about their favorite book or show, or have they been to any good restaurants or do they have a favorite place to hike, how their week’s going. Anything that actually connects you with the actual person standing in front of you.” ~ Anna Brown

Questions for Anna and Pat

You have both been on the podcast before, so let’s just do a quick recap for new listeners. How many children do you have and how long has your family been unschooling?

There’s a tendency for people new to the idea of unschooling to seek out “success stories” in an effort to “prove” to themselves that unschooling is a viable option before they make the leap. That’s understandable. But the challenge with that is, it can set up expectations on our children to “find their passion,” or “start a business at 15” etc. I saw a quote the other day, “Homeschooling is private school for poor people!” That attitude can make life challenging for unschooling kids, can’t it?

I think a big part of this issue revolves around how we choose to define success. That question was definitely part of my deschooling process because when we define success more conventionally, by accomplishments, that can be at odds with the unschooling lifestyle we’re trying to cultivate. How do you guys define “success” nowadays?

So, let’s talk about ordinary days and ordinary people. Unschooling parents and unschooling kids going about their ordinary days. When we redefine “success,” we see so much more goodness all around us, don’t we?

I also want to touch on the unschooling kids who are doing things that look more conventionally successful. I think what’s so different is the entire unschooling ethos within which they are living. They are choosing the things they do, not because they can be successful at them, but because they are interested in them. It’s not about having others see them as “successful,” or being judged “better than others.” It’s not about what others think at all. It’s all about their personal aspirations and goals. It takes some unschooling experience for parents to understand this though, doesn’t it?

Another thing I’d like to talk about, which is another aspect of conventional expectations that are so often tossed about, is when teens turn 18. It seems to be such a significant age for so many parents. Right there behind a child hitting “school age.” And even if you’ve been unschooling for years, when your first child approaches 18, you may find new concerns popping up around this. Or you might find others are starting to share their opinions with you. Have you found this?

Links to Things Mentioned in the Show

Anna’s website, Choosing Connection

Pat’s Facebook page, Heal Thyself, and her group, Heal Thyself Q&A

Episode Transcript

Read the transcript here

EU095: Q&A Round Table

Anne Ohman and Anna Brown join me to answer listener questions. This month we answer questions about radical validation—and what’s so radical about it, sibling conflicts, unhappy temperaments, and how the three of us have worked through challenges to get to epiphanies and personal growth.

Click here to submit your own question to the Q&A Round Table!

Listener Questions

Heather’s Question (from Arizona) [TIME: 1:40]

I am SO blown away by Anne’s article about Radical Validation! Especially this paragraph, “When we try to get them out of and away from the uncomfortable feelings because we don’t know how to help them (and just want them to be happy), they just go further into those emotions to protect their right to feel that way. But now they have yet another new level added to their already existing discomfort…”

We have been struggling with how to help a situation in our home for a while. Our 10yo daughter constantly criticizes and belittles her 12yo brother. The only way we know to deal with this (because it is heartbreaking to see how hurt our son is by her comments and treatment) is to remind her to, “Please treat him as kind as you’d want to be treated”. I realize that has so much weight and isn’t the ideal way to handle it. We’d love some further detailed ideas on the best way to validate.

Mikael’s Question (from France) [TIME: 18:30]

Hi,

Thank you for your kind help to all unschoolers and their parents! You are wonderful!

I have a question concerning my son who is almost 7. He has a temperament that makes him being unhappy almost all the time. He complains very often and for very small things. I have already understood that he is a hyper-sensitive person. My wife and I are doing our best to make him happy but still sometimes it is very difficult. What would you advise us to do to make things better?

Carol’s Question (from Montana) [TIME: 30:05]

I’d like to hear from you lovely ladies about your journey through unschooling. Specifically, when you felt uncertain about something that was happening with your child, how you dealt with it, and how it was later resolved. For instance, were you ever at a place where you were thinking you would like to see your child get more exercise, spend less time doing one particular thing, be more open to new experiences, etc.? How did you get through whatever the issue was for you? I love to hear from veteran moms about their reality with unschooling, especially their stories of conflict to resolution. So, I’m not asking about a specific question or concern of my own, but for you to tell your stories of epiphany and growth, and contrasting the way things were then with the way things are now.

Meredith’s Question (from Virginia) [TIME: 39:22]

My husband and I have homeschooled our two girls, ages 8 and 6, since the Fall of 2016. We LOVE it. I can safely say that bringing my girls home to learn has made me fall in love with them all over again. They are special, special people with immense gifts to share with the world.

After one year of homeschooling things were becoming even more clear about the best way for our girls to learn the important things in life. Unschooling was a concept I found that just plain made sense! Ever since then we have unschooled, or to us, just lived!

I have many questions but the biggest one and the one I will ask today is about sibling relationships. My two girls are just shy of two years apart. Lately they have begun a phase in life where they bicker and fuss with each other all the time. Or at least that is how it feels to me who is with them 24/7. To be blunt, it can drive me batty!

My oldest is craving independence and wanting more space to herself. My youngest just wants to do everything with her older sister. Both are very different in personality. My husband and I have tried to do more things with them separately but it seems like a drop in the bucket. We do not live near family who can take one child for the morning or day so the girls can have breathing room. We have wonderful friends but all have different circumstances that would prevent them from helping in this way too. We are a one income family and so signing up for activities is limited. Plus, it seems unfair to me if I let my oldest take an art class and tell my youngest, who loves art just as much, that she can’t take it because her sister needs space. Am I thinking about this in the wrong way?

Then there is the actual fussing. They are not physical with each other, but are in the throes of retaliation. Tit for tat. One does something so the other does something back. For example, one girl feels the other hid her shoe (which in reality is stuffed under her bed) and so purposely takes the last remains of her sister’s favorite cereal, which she has had no interest in before this point. The other sister sees this injustice, gets mad, lets it be known she is mad and then refuses to let her sister have a bite of her ice cream later in the day, etc. It can go on and on. When we are home I can take each aside and talk with them about what is bothering them, validate their feelings and come up with a solution. This process takes a while, which I am happy to do, however it can be mere minutes after the first argument is settled when a new one erupts. The process starts all over again! Some days it seems that is all that happens. I’m not going to lie, trying to handle this in a non-yelling, respectful way leaves me exhausted!! Some days I just want to curl back up in my bed and hide under the covers. Any suggestions for this phase in their lives? And please confirm, this is just a phase, right?? Thanks for everything.

Links to things mentioned in the show

Anne’s article about radical validation

Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them

Pam’s articles, Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Video Games and “I Can Read, You Know!”

Pam’s posts, The Road of Trials: The Heart of Deschooling (outlining quite a few of my epiphanies) and moving through uncomfortable times by looking to my children

Childhood Redefined Online Unschooling Summit

Pam’s talk, A Family of Individuals

Anne’s website: shinewithunschooling.com

Anna’s website: choosingconnection.com

Episode Transcript

Read the transcript here

EU094: A Muddy Life with Ellen Rowland

Ellen Rowland is an unschooling mom of two children, ages 12 and 13. Back in 2008, Ellen and her husband Richard decided to leave the US and move to Senegal, West Africa with their two children, ages 3 and 4 at the time. Eight years later, they moved to small island off the Turkish coast of Greece. We have such a fun conversation, diving into how she discovered unschooling and what the transition looked like, her book, Everything I Thought I Knew: An Exploration of Life and Learning, how she broke the cycle of controlling and critical parenting she grew up with, whether it’s possible to “juggle it all,” the most unexpected but awesome thing she’s found so far from choosing unschooling, and much more!

Quote of the Week

“The first thing that I decided to do was put everything on hold in my life, except my children. And I got down on the floor with them, because I really needed to understand what the world felt like from their perspective, how it’s challenging and it’s so exciting and there’s so much to learn and so much to conquer, and at the same time it’s overwhelming and scary.” ~ Ellen Rowland

Questions for Ellen

Can you share with us a bit about you and your family and how you first came across the idea of unschooling?

What did your family’s move to unschooling look like?

What did you find the most challenging paradigm shift to be as you shifted to unschooling?

You recently published a great book, Everything I Thought I Knew: An Exploration of Life and Learning. I really enjoyed reading it, and I love that you organized your chapters around the alphabet. In the ‘M’ chapter, you have a section called ‘Motherhood’ in which you talk about your decision to break the cycle of the controlling and critical parenting you grew up with. Can you share with us a bit about that process? How did you begin that change?

Your website is amuddylife.com. I would love to hear the inspiration behind that beautiful metaphor for your unschooling lives!

Let’s go back to your book. I’d like to visit the ‘J’ chapter, ‘Juggle,’ for a moment. You open the chapter saying, “Parents who are interested in moving away from a traditional schooling situation and educating their children at home often want to know how it’s possible to balance family, work, and personal time.” That is such a common concern. How do you answer the question, “How is it possible to juggle it all?”

What has been the most unexpected but awesome thing you’ve found so far from choosing unschooling?

Links to Things Mentioned in the Show

Ellen’s article, Building an Earth House by Hand, published in Natural Life Magazine

Wendy Priesnitz also publishes Life Learning Magazine

Richard Rowland’s design studio, Atelier KOÉ, and its Facebook page

Ellen’s blog post, A True Mother: On Breaking the Transgenerational Parenting Cycle

Ellen’s book, Everything I Thought I Knew: An Exploration of Life and Learning

Ellen’s website, amuddylife.com

You can also connect on Facebook and Twitter

Episode Transcript

Read the transcript here

EU093: Unschooling Dads with Robert Gottlieb

Robert Gottlieb is an unschooling dad with two children, ages 11 and 19. He shares that they actually discovered unschooling a few times and, after a variety of school and school-at-home settings, he’s the one who eventually brought it into the family. We chat about that transition, going against societal expectations, stretching comfort zones, what advice he’d like to share with dads starting out, and much more.

Quote of the Week

“My overall goal is peace in the world. That’s something that I really care about. And I believe that by giving our kids this ability to live life as human beings and not being told what to do, they are more likely to be peaceful than not, later on in life. They’re more likely to be more empathetic.” ~ Robert Gottlieb

Questions for Robert

Can you share with us a bit about you and your family?

I’d love to hear what your kids are enjoying at the moment. What are they interested in?

How did you discover unschooling and what did your family’s transition to unschooling look like?

Unschooling is a very unconventional way of living—did you find it hard at first going against societal expectations? How did you work through that?

As the working parent, are there things you and your wife do to help you stay connected with the kids?

What has surprised you most so far about how unschooling has unfolded in your lives?

Have there been times when your kids’ interests or choices have challenged your thinking or stretched your comfort zones? How did you work through those moments with them?

As an unschooling dad, what piece of advice would you like to share with dads who are considering or just starting out on this journey?

Links to Things Mentioned in the Show

Robert learned a lot reading Sandra Dodd’s website

Pam’s article, “I Can Read, You Know!”

Sandra’s mantra, “Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch.”

You can connect with Robert on Twitter and Facebook, and he’s active in the Facebook group, Unschooling Connection

Episode Transcript

Read the transcript here

EU092: Crazy Family Adventure with Bryanna Royal

Bryanna Royal is an unschooling mom with four children. And as if choosing unschooling wasn’t crazy enough, she and her husband chose to sell their home and everything in it and hit the road in an RV to travel full-time. We have a wonderful chat diving into why they chose unschooling, why they chose to move into an RV, some of the paradigm shifts of deschooling, how they earn money to support their lifestyle, and lots more!

Quote of the Week

“I feel like imposter syndrome is a perfect way to look at it because, on paper, I looked smart but if you asked me to talk about something that I learned in school, I could not really talk about it because I never really understood the concept, I just knew how to get a good grade.” ~ Bryanna Royal

Questions for Bryanna

Can you share with us a bit about you and your family and how you first came across the idea of unschooling?

What were some of your reasons behind choosing unschooling?

You and your husband decided to sell your home and move into an RV. How did that decision come about?

I imagine you guys are gathering some fun and interesting stories from your travels. Can you share one with us?

What have you found to be one of the more challenging things about living in an RV that you didn’t expect?

On your blog, you have a post about how unschooling works for your family, and I loved one of the points you made. You wrote that it includes, “Trusting our kids and knowing that they understand what is in their best interest. And if we know they aren’t ready, instead of saying they can’t do it, we do it with them so we can work together so they are ready to do it on their own in the near future.” It’s such a valuable paradigm shift. Can you talk a bit more about that?

I love hearing about the innovative ways unschooling families are making a go of things—often some combination of making income and lowering expenses. It can seem out-of-reach, but sometimes some creative thinking does the trick. Can you share a bit about how you guys are supporting your unschooling and travel lifestyle?

Do you have some tips you could share for unschooling parents who are considering the RV lifestyle?

Links to Things Mentioned in the Show

Bryanna’s blog post, Radical unschooling and how it works for our family

Bryanna’s blog post, Full time family travel budget

Bryanna’s travel website, Crazy Family Adventure and her business website, Virtual Powerhouse

You can also connect on social media, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and Pinterest

Episode Transcript

Read the transcript here

EU091: Q&A Round Table

Anne Ohman and Anna Brown join me to answer listener questions. This month we dive into the the bigger picture of buying toys, negotiating boundaries, highly sensitive children and therapy, and feeling stuck around food and health concerns.

Click here to submit your own question to the Q&A Round Table!

Quote of the Week

“My priority is the connection, because I’ve seen when our connections are secure that we have a much easier time navigating what comes our way.” ~ Anna Brown

Listener Questions

Monica’s Question [TIME: 3:10]

I’m very new to unschooling. I believe in the principles of unschooling, but putting it into practice is a challenge. I have put aside my bias against screens recently and have let my two girls, 5 and 8, watch what they like when they like for as long as they like. On a ‘normal’ day, they have screentime as soon as they get up. Then we usually have an activity that takes us away from the house in the late morning for a couple of hours. They are pretty amenable to going out for which I am very grateful. Then when we get back home, they have screentime for an hour or two before dinner. We often have a ‘family watch’ after dinner or they will watch something themselves.

The problem I am struggling with is that they sometimes watch YouTube shows of people unwrapping toys, or playing with various toys. I do not have a problem with the content of the shows, but they have now made the connection that these toys can be purchased! We are not rich, but could “afford it,” but I don’t want to purchase every toy they ask for mainly because I am against amassing huge amounts of plastic stuff and I see toys that they have asked for played with a few times the first day and then forgotten. It seems such a waste. I usually say that we can’t afford it, but at the same time, I don’t want to give them a poverty mindset (deny themselves things/experiences when they are grown up even when they can afford it, but feel that they can’t, like me).

What are your views on this topic?

Heather’s Question [TIME: 21:10]

We’re an unschooling family with four kids ages 6, 4, 2, and 6 months. I would say we’re 100% unschoolers in terms of academics, and we’re still working on all the lifestyle elements!

My question is about how you and your families have handled kids’ freedom to leave the house or yard by themselves. We have a fenced backyard where the kids can always play. The front yard is unfenced and faces a usually-calm street. Generally, we let the 4- and 6-year-old play in the front, ride their bikes around the block, and cross the street to play at the school playground by themselves (one good reason to have a school there, haha!), as long as they let us know where they’re going. The 2-year-old doesn’t yet remember not to run into the street, so she needs an adult to accompany her for all those things.

Even with these (I think) fairly generous boundaries compared to other families in the U.S., the older kids, especially the 6-year-old, are often trying to “escape,” slipping out the door whenever we open it and running off to neighbors’ yards, and sometimes leaving without telling us (and the 2-year-old follows). My 6-year-old complains that he doesn’t have enough freedom to go “wherever he wants without a grown-up.” It’s very frustrating because we feel like we’re giving them as much freedom as we conceivably can where we live. We’re not afraid of kidnapping or anything, but there are some busy streets around the edges of our neighborhood, so I do worry about cars. I notice that his complaints come more often when we’ve been home for several days in a row. I try to get everyone out as much as I can, but … four kids! Sometimes I need some at-home days for my own well-being.

Do you have any ideas for how to negotiate this? Thanks!

Shelsy’s Question [TIME: 34:54]

Hi! Thank you so much for this podcast. Listening every week is essential to helping me stay centered in this unschooling journey.

I have a question about therapy and if/when it’s appropriate to seek it for a child. I have a little boy who’s six and from the very beginning he has made his presence felt. He has a strong personality, an amazing imagination, and he knows who he is and what he wants. He will not bend either if he doesn’t want to do something, or if he wants to do something and is being prevented. He can be violent when he doesn’t get his way. The last six years have been extremely eye opening and I have challenged a lot of assumptions, especially since beginning to unschool 9 months ago. We have always leaned more toward natural and attachment parenting and our inclination is to resist most medical interventions unless truly necessary.

Earlier this summer the kids and I spent three weeks visiting family in Pennsylvania. When we were with my family we spent a majority of our time with their cousins, ages 9 and 2. My son is an introvert, he usually prefers to stay home and play video games. When he is around other children (besides his sister–their relationship ebbs and flows, but can tend to be violent at times) he is usually okay for awhile and then seeks to be on his own or wants to leave.

I knew this going into our trip and fully intended to escape with him upstairs to watch movies away from the other kids when he needed to, and we did often. But there were still plenty of times when his interactions with his cousins sparked conflict. The two older kids were not always kind to him. Other children always become very bossy around him–I guess because he doesn’t tend to “follow the rules.”

But when conflict arises, he is extremely impulsive, and his first impulse is almost always to hurt the other person. He’ll hit, scratch, and bite. He seems to snap into a sort of Hulk mode and it can often take a lot of effort to help him snap back out of it. Before the trip he told me that his heart wants him to do good things but his brain wants him to do bad things and it’s hard to listen to his heart.

I’m not really sure how to help him with this besides keeping him from other kids entirely or only under close supervision. It prevents him and the rest of the family from being able to participate in things where he would be in a typical childcare situation (such as church). My mother very adamantly suggested that he should be in some kind of therapy or counseling because to her his behavior is extremely abnormal. I find his behavior inconvenient and frustrating, but not completely out of the realm of normal for a six-year-old strong-willed boy, but I could be wrong. I really hesitate to take him anywhere because I have a suspicion that they will be quick to try to diagnose and possibly medicate, and I really don’t want to go down that route. I also don’t really want him to be expected to do multiple different kinds of therapies several times a week. He’s not broken–I’m not trying to fix him. But I do want to help him, and consequently the rest of the family, as well as other children he’ll come in contact with.

Since we’ve been home from the trip he’s really done pretty well, he doesn’t lash out quite as often. We babysat a 4-year-old boy for a few hours and my son did okay until he just wanted his space back and he didn’t want to share. Once we calmed him down and let him do his own thing he was okay, even though he mostly ignored the other boy.

Is this something I can expect him to grow out of? How do I help him? Would some kind of therapy really be best for him? How do I know without opening the door to a bunch of other interventions?

Anonymous Question [TIME: 51:20]

I’m feeling stuck.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about things and I realize it’s not food fear or a need to control. Maybe at one point it was, but now it’s not. I would love to let my kids eat a range of different things and learn for themselves what works for them and what doesn’t. This works great for things that give an immediate reaction like a sore tummy, rash, headache etc. But I don’t know if we can learn what makes us feel awful if the effects are not instant and also worse with a cumulative effect. Also, if we don’t have the testing to understand WHY a body is reacting in certain ways. I’m grateful for all the testing available and the doctors who understand mental health illness as a physical illness rather than just being an emotional problem.

My concern is my 8-year-old son’s health and happiness. According to his doctor, psychologist, and test results, it would be potentially damaging to his short and long-term mental and physical health to let him control his food choices. I won’t go into every medical detail as it’s complicated and involves several factors. The point is, it’s not about food or control of trusting him to make good choices. It’s about nourishing and nurturing him so that he can be his happiest and healthiest self today and in the future. I wish so much that we could just allow complete freedom to experiment and let him learn on his own what works for him and what doesn’t. The problem is that it’s not that easy. He needs a continued restricted diet, supplements and testing. It’s not easy for him, I know. Food at our unschooling table would not be restricted at all if there weren’t good reasons for it to be.

He knows he feels terrible but he’s tired of the diets and the testing and the supplements. I get it and empathize with him. But he doesn’t understand the potential implications of not doing so. And I believe it would be negligent and irresponsible of me to allow him complete freedom of choice when I understand the medical implications.

So where to from here? I love asking the question “Why not yes” and can generally gladly accommodate all other needs and requests made by my kids. But when it comes to food, I can find way too many reasons to say no. I know that unschoolers recommend to set your child up for success but also allow them freedom to learn on their own. I don’t know how that works for us and feel like I can’t have both. I read your book too and look forward to reading it many times as we continue our journey.

Please understand that this is not the same as it would be if my kids had no health concerns. My daughter has no health concerns and in the last few months since relaxing all the food rules to see what would happen, she has been fine and making varied and balanced choices. My son is an absolute mess. Exhausted, depressed, highly anxious, aggressive, pale, dark under his eyes and not sleeping. This is not his personality, he is a very different kid otherwise. Of course, I love him at all times and support him through his miserable times but it breaks my heart to see him suffering and it makes our time together much less enjoyable.

Do I let him make his choices and feel flat and miserable and hope that maybe he will choose for himself to care about his health before he does any permanent damage? Or do I step in and take full control? Is there an in-between?

In the past, I felt like we had a good balance. I always cooked foods that he liked and if there were yucky supplements to take I always hid them in something yummy or syringed them to him like a little bird. We’ve found ways to make things easier by playing games and making his favourite treats to take to parties etc. Now that he is getting older he is pushing away from this more and I worry it will hurt our relationship and he will start sneaking food or refusing to take supplements etc.

I guess the question is, are there times when it is appropriate and kind for a parent to say no and give the child as many options and choices within the boundaries as possible? I know this isn’t unschooling but I’m not sure what our other options are. Is it kind to tell an 8yo that their behaviour and attitude make them really difficult to be around and you much prefer their company when they are being positive and happy? (I’m not talking happy happy joy joy all the time. My kids know I’m very big on all feelings being ok and I love them when they’re feeling sad, angry, frustrated etc,…but this goes way beyond that and it’s stressful for the rest of the family to be around him when he’s so miserable and negative) I also have my daughter to consider as she adores her big brother. She loves playing with him and he is generally very patient and playful. When affected by poor food choices/lack of supplements however, he is very aggressive and nasty to her and she gets confused as to why he is so different and becomes very fearful around him.

I so want what is best for my son and our relationship. My kids are my priority and I spent all day happily doing things with them or for them. My son is a gorgeous kid who is kind, empathetic, thoughtful and creative. He’s amazing and I want to see him enjoying life without fatigue and anxiety. This is the only thing that is causing me stress and I don’t know what to do.

Jonah often tells me at night (when he is in his most open and chatty mood of the day) that I shouldn’t listen to daytime Jonah as he doesn’t know what he wants. For example, last night he was telling me that he wants to be able to run fast like Sonic and that every day I need to make sure he does his running practice and eats the right foods for his energy needs. But then daytime comes and I try to help him achieve what he asked for and he knocks me back. He’s also told me in the past that I just shouldn’t let him eat the foods that harm him but then if they are available to him he will want to eat them and I don’t know if he wants me to say yes or no. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t force him to run or stop him from putting food in his mouth if he wanted to. It’s like he is asking me to set limits for him but then in the moment he doesn’t want me to. This is very confusing for me. He will often tell me at night that I just need to be more firm and not give him options (what kid says that!) But that doesn’t feel right to me. Isn’t the point to let him make his own decisions in the moment so he can learn things for himself? Or am I letting him down by not setting a limit that he has previously asked me to?

I have similar confusing thoughts around his attitude to things at times. One example would be his birthday this year. He helped me plan it. All he wanted was to spend a day at a water park with his best friend and have her for a sleepover. So that’s what he got. He was really excited about it and seemed to have a great time and was very happy. But when we got home he complained that it wasn’t very fun and that he wouldn’t like to go there again. This is common for him. We often spend hours together doing whatever he wants to do and he appears happy. But then later he’ll tell me he had “the worst day ever and that he’s never happy”. I sometimes just don’t know how to respond when he says stuff like that. I feel like I bend over backwards trying to make him happy, and I love doing it and I’m not resentful. But I do wonder if, no matter what I do, he’s going to say he’s always unhappy anyway.

Links to things mentioned in the show

Pam’s blog post, Playing with Money

Check out Q&A episode 21, question 4

The book, The Highly Sensitive Child, by Elaine N. Aaron

The book, The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene

The book, The Out-of-Sync Child, by Carol Kranowitz

Anne’s essay, I Am What I Am

Pam’s blog post, Unschooling with Strong Beliefs

Anne’s article, Briefing & De-Briefing

The book, Kids, Carrots, and Candy, by Jane Hirschmann and Lela Zaphiropoulos

Anne’s website: shinewithunschooling.com

Anna’s website: choosingconnection.com

Episode Transcript

Read the transcript here

EU090: Growing Up Unschooling with Phoebe Wahl

Phoebe Wahl is an artist whose beautiful work focuses on the themes of comfort, nostalgia, and intimacy. She left school entirely after first grade and dove into unschooling. Eventually she chose to go to college, graduating from Rhode Island School of Design in 2013 with a BFA in Illustration. We have a lot of fun talking about her passion for drawing, the idea of “knowledge gaps,” what she found valuable in her college experience, how unschooling has influenced her art, and lots more.

Quote of the Week

“To talk about gaps is to box yourself into a certain way of thinking about learning because I definitely have gaps in my knowledge but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t.” ~ Phoebe Wahl

Questions for Phoebe

Can you share with us a bit about you and your family?

What did your family’s move to unschooling look like?

How did your passion for drawing develop? Can you share a bit about how that journey unfolded for you?

One of the pretty common worries when people first contemplate unschooling is that their children will have gaps in their knowledge. The question itself speaks to how they’re still using traditional curricula as a standard of what a person “should” know because we all have gaps, don’t we? Can you share your perspective on how unschooling as a lifestyle addresses that concern?

You chose to take some classes in high school and then went to college, attending the Rhode Island School of Design. What did you find most valuable about your college experience?

How do you see your unschooling childhood influencing your art?

Your work has been described as “body positive” and in an online interview you were asked how you defined “body positivity.” You answered: “I think it is holding onto the core value that my worth does not lie in my physical features. It is being gentle and patient with myself, because truly loving, sustainable relationships are a “two steps forward, one step back” process. It is HARD work maintaining an appreciative and honest relationship with yourself. Above all it’s about trusting myself. Sometimes I breach my own trust and have to rebuild. But then again, sometimes my own strength and beauty will impress me beyond what I thought possible.” I love your answer and I think the process applies well to just about every societal expectation we may find ourselves grappling with. I was hoping you could expand a bit about how the process plays out for you.

As a grown unschooler, what piece of advice would you like to share with unschooling parents who are just starting out on this journey?

Links to Things Mentioned in the Show

Phoebe has been a regular contributor to Taproot Magazine

Phoebe’s first children’s book, Sonya’s Chickens, and you can pre-order her next book, Backyard Fairies

Phoebe’s website, phoebewahl.com, her Facebook page, and her Instagram

Episode Transcript

Read the transcript here

EU089: Ten Questions with Jan Hunt

Jan is the founder of The Natural Child Project, a website that houses a wonderful collection of unschooling and parenting articles. She also has two unschooling books out, The Natural Child and The Unschooling Unmanual, plus a children’s book, A Gift for Baby. Her unschooled son, Jason, is now in his thirties. Jan graciously agreed to answer ten questions about her unschooling experience.

Quote of the Week

“I think children are very adept at hearing our hidden messages, regardless of how carefully we phrase it. When we tell a child that a certain activity is required, we imply that it must be so unpleasant or difficult we would never want to do it. No one has ever required a child to eat ice cream—it is not that we should never make suggestions, but it IS that we should never anticipate or expect a particular response. Or be disappointed.” ~ Jan Hunt

Ten Questions for Jan

1. Can you share with us a bit about you and your family?

2. What did your family’s move to unschooling look like?

3. You have a fantastic website, The Natural Child Project, at naturalchild.org, that’s been around since 1996. I remember finding it back in 2002 when we began unschooling and hungrily devouring many of the articles—thank you so much! What inspired you to create it?

4. I discovered homeschooling when I was searching for information because my eldest didn’t mesh well with school. One of your essays made so much sense to me back then, it was an essay titled, ‘Learning Disability: A Rose by Another Name.’ Can you share your rose analogy and why it fits so well?

5. Trust is such key component of our unschooling lives. How did you develop trust in unschooling, and in your son?

6. You have a book, The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart, a collection of your essays about parenting and education. You make a great point in the introduction that this approach to living with children has been called “attachment parenting” or “empathic parenting,” and is often considered to be New Age but is actually age-old. Can you share what you mean by empathic parenting?

7. You also edited a collection of essays written by various writers and focused on unschooling called The Unschooling Unmanual: Nurturing Children’s Natural Love of Learning. I love the title! In it is your essay, ‘How Do We Know They’re Learning?’ I think that question is an integral part of learning about unschooling. How do you answer it when someone asks?

8. You’ve written about one of the more challenging day-to-day questions that unschooling parents grapple with: ‘When Does Guidance Become Manipulation?’ On occasion, I’ve described it as the dance of parenting, or relationships. It doesn’t have a one-size fits all answer, does it?

9. What did you find to be the most challenging aspect of unschooling?

10. Looking back, what has been the most valuable outcome from choosing unschooling?

Links to Things Mentioned in the Show

Jan and Jason’s article, Creating a Peaceful World through Parenting

The origin story of the term, “unschooling,” courtesy of Sandra Dodd

Jan’s collection of articles by Elliott Barker, including, The Critical Importance of Mothering

Sandra Dodd’s article, Unschooling: You’ll See It When You Believe It

Jan’s website naturalchild.org and Facebook page, The Natural Child Shop, and their donation page

Jan’s books: The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart, The Unschooling Unmanual, and her children’s book, A Gift for Baby

Episode Transcript

Read the transcript here