Pam Laricchia's Blog, page 30
May 16, 2018
EU124: Unschooling the Early Years with Jen Kobrick
Jen Kobrick connected with me recently and suggested an episode about the idea of unschooling in the early years—before kids reach school age. Her son is almost three and she so beautifully explained why she thought it was a valuable topic that I asked if she’d be interested in talking about it with me. I was thrilled she said yes! We have a great conversation about her experience with attachment parenting through toddlerhood, ways to approach various parenting challenges through connection, like bedtimes, sharing, and technology, the conventional push for early childhood education, and lots more.
Questions for Jen
Can you share with us a bit about you and your family?
How did you discover unschooling?
I’ve mentioned in the past how attachment parenting can transition pretty seamlessly into unschooling as children hit school age. But that’s been based more on my reading about attachment theory than experience because I didn’t come across the concept of attachment parenting until my kids were older, and now they’re all in their twenties. So, it’s been a while! You’re engaged in attachment parenting circles right now, so I’d love to hear your perspective. Have you found the attachment parenting and unschooling mindsets diverging as your son enters toddlerhood?
Why do you think this becomes more pronounced in toddlerhood?
I’d love to dive into a few examples with you! Can you share some ideas for parents who are looking to work together with their young children rather than gently controlling them to do—or not do—the “thing.” Let’s start with bedtimes.
How about sharing? How do you approach that through connection rather than control?
What about brushing teeth?
And lastly, what tips do you have with regards to young children and technology?
Conventionally, there’s a big push for early childhood education. I suspect you’ve felt that already, and I was curious how you respond to it through the lens of unschooling.
Before we go, are there any more ways that you find the unschooling mindset valuable for approaching your days, even though your child isn’t school age?
Links to things mentioned in the show
Jen’s fun Facebook page, Adventures En Pointe
Episode Transcript
May 9, 2018
EU123: Unschooling and Food Round Table
This week on the podcast I’m trying something new: a round table discussion on a single topic. Questions around food are very common as people are deschooling and contemplating releasing control over their children’s food choices and Sylvia Woodman, Jo Isaac, and Meredith Novak join me to talk all things food. I hope you find our conversation helpful!
Also, for the first time, I recorded video of our call as well, which you can find on my YouTube channel.
Questions for the Group
You’ve all been on the podcast before and I’ll share links to those episodes in the show notes, but can you give everyone a quick intro to you and your family?
I’d love to hear about your journeys around food and control. What did life around food look like for your family when you first began unschooling? And what does it like now?
Let’s talk about food fears. The one that comes up most often, I think, is the question of food and health. For example, sugar. When we first contemplate releasing control over our children’s food choices, we so often envision that all they’ll want to eat is sweet, sugary things. And on top of that, when we do start out, often our children are drawn to those choices, precisely because they have been so tightly controlled before. What thoughts and suggestions would you share with someone smack in the middle of this deschooling phase and getting worried?
What about when a person has strong principles around food? For example, they choose to eat vegetarian. I’d love to chat about ways parents can live their principles without controlling their children’s choices. And why is that so important?
Another question I see pretty regularly is around the question of food choices within a food budget. Can you share your approach?
Links to things mentioned in the show
YouTube: watch the video of this call
Meredith’s episode: What Learning Looks Like
Sylvia’s episode: Unschooling Stories
Jo’s episode: Redefining Success
Episode Transcript
May 2, 2018
EU122: Unschooling Passions with Robin Bentley
Robin Bentley is an unschooling mom who loves dancing hula, playing the yukelele, and supporting her daughter’s exploration of her interests and passions. We have a wonderful conversation about unschooling passions, including how supporting our child’s interests often ends up being a positive experience for us as well, healing our own childhood, tips and ideas for supporting our child’s interests, even if we don’t share it, and lots more!
Quote of the Week
“One way to become supportive of your kid is thinking of how you would feel in that situation and what you would have liked your parents to do. You become the parent that you wish you had by supporting your kids.” ~ Robin Bentley
Questions for Robin
Can you share with us a bit about you and your family?
How did you discover unschooling and what did your family’s move to unschooling look like?
What are your daughter’s interests right now? I’d love to hear about how you’re supporting her as she pursues her interests and passions.
Have you found that the things you do to support your daughter also end up being positive experiences for your as well?
Can you share some tips and ideas for unschooling parents looking to support their child’s interests?
What advice would you give to parents who, while understand why it’s good to support their child’s interests, find that they don’t share the interest, or even actively dislike it?
What’s been your favourite thing about choosing unschooling so far?
Links to things mentioned in the show
Robin first heard about unschooling in local La Leche League meetings
She first began reading things by Sandra Dodd, Pam Sorooshian, and Joyce Fetteroll
They attend Sakura-Con, the oldest and most well attended anime convention in the Pacific Northwest
Robin sang a beautiful rendition of Michael Aranda’s It’s Okay to Not Like Things
You can find her on Facebook, and in the Facebook groups, My unschooler is interested in … and Radical Unschooling Info
Episode Transcript
April 25, 2018
EU121: Q&A Round Table
Anna Brown joins Pam to answer listener questions. This month we dive into questions around managing the environment when a parent works at home, when we’re not a “perfect mom,” helping our kids learn about diversity, when you’re not into your child’s passion, and helping your children process their emotions without taking them on yourself.
Click here to submit your own question to the Q&A Round Table!
Listener Questions
Anonymous Question [TIME: 6:00]
Hi. We are a South African unschooling family. We have two sons, 10 and 8, and a daughter who is 4 years old. My two sons attended preschool, but when my eldest was supposed to go to grade one, we took them out of school and started homeschooling them. I started on a very rigid program but started relaxing more and more as I realized that my eldest was very unhappy with sitting still and doing book work for hours. In the beginning of 2017 I made a new friend who happened to be an unschooler. She encouraged me to listen to some of the livingjoyfully podcasts. I listened to one and it was as if I have found something that I was looking for all my life, without knowing that I was looking for it. It was absolutely wonderful. It took some time to convince my husband, but he was willing to be convinced. We then jumped in completely!
My question has to do with our home situation. We live in a very small house, and my husband tutors online. There can’t be noise when he is working, so I have to silence the kids all day long. My children are very active and loud and beautifully dramatic all the time :). It is very difficult for them to be quiet and I usually end up getting frustrated and taking my frustration out on them. I try to take them on outings all the time, but I want my children to love their home. They don’t want to be at home at all anymore. I do wonder sometimes if unschooling like this is really conducive to their happiness and well being, or am I pursuing a dream that does not fit in with our current situation or lives. I know that there is no advice that can change my circumstances at home. What I am really looking for is ideas to make home more inviting and fun for them, without spending too much, as our budget is very tight. Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. Regards.
Alexandra’s Question (from France) [TIME: 15:30]
Hello, thank you for your podcasts and your help to all parents!
I was wondering whether you can help me… I have been living with the unschooling philosophy for almost 1.5 years. I do my very best but sometimes I do not do everything perfectly. I am not as good to my kids as I would like to : I can get annoyed by them when they scream without a reason, when they do not behave well, etc. And then I feel guilty. And this feeling makes me very sad and unhappy. Especially when it happens during the day when I am at work and cannot see my children for hours. I really try hard but I am not a perfect mom 100% of time and then I feel so powerless that it happened again and I was not as good as I would love to my children. Do you have any advices to such moms as me? Thank you very much!!!
Joan’s Question (from Rhode Island, US) [TIME: 23:00]
Love unschooling and wondering… kids schooled and unschooled learn about race, gender, and class constantly through everyday interactions in the world. To me, this is something that needs to be actively untaught/retaught because most grown ups have it all wrong! From my perspective, it’s a topic children like to avoid because they can sense the weight and discomfort of it from grownups. I’m wondering how you teach about race, gender, and class in an unschooling format? How can we decolonialize our children’s understanding of the world and still let them be self-directed? Thank you!
Suparna’s Question (from Vancouver Island, Canada) [TIME: 31:35]
Hi there, I just found your blog and podcast. Thank you for your clarity, gentleness and mindfulness. This is exactly the approach to learning I have been searching for, for my now 12-year-old son. Our schooling journey has been rocky and we have finally given it up. We were fooled into thinking that enrolling in a DL school was the same as homeschooling, only just found out we were still in the same bucket. Hadn’t moved an inch!
Anyway, long story short, here I am devouring your webpage and podcasts. I love the “love what they are doing” approach but my question is what do you do if their interests/passions bore you to tears? My son is mechanically inclined, he is super passionate about remote control cars/vehicles and will sit at the computer surfing for hours, pondering and poring over makes, models, whachamacallits and whosits and dodads. I have tried really hard to be interested but it’s all mind numbing to me. I am happy to encourage and provide him with whatever he needs to fulfil his passions but there is a limit to how far I can go with his interests. I am a more artistic, fluid, organic person.
So, how do you fully help your child develop his interests if you can just barely understand what he is doing? Thank you for reading!
Candace’s Question (from Pennsylvania, US) [TIME: 39:05]
Hi Pam, Anne, and Anna! First, I need to say how grateful I am for your podcast, especially the Q & A episodes. The discussions feed my soul and ground me.
On to my question: I am very empathetic. I have been told more than once that I am an empath. I’m not sure if I am totally comfortable with that label, but I do know that I notice, feel, and experience other peoples’ emotions without them actually telling me how they feel. For example, I teach yoga and often people come to class to release their own emotional weight. I have left from teaching feeling very sad, only to find out that one of my student’s dog died the day before.
My 5-year-old son has anxiety issues and is not comfortable in crowds. I believe that my 6 (almost 7) year old daughter is very much like me. She loves being around other people and kids, but it also exhausts her emotionally. She will also go through days of feeling sad and not knowing why, or being angry at the world, her family, life. I was very much like that as a child and my parents tried hard to shame it out of me, telling me that my emotions were hurting other people and ruining our family time. It took me most of my adult life to make peace with the sadness within myself, and I wish to impart this peace onto my children. Their unique way of experiencing the world led us out of public schools to homeschooling, and ultimately to unschooling. I am so very sure that unschooling is the right choice for our family. My son is relaxing into himself and actually finding the words to let other people know when he needs a break, and my daughter is learning so much in ways that I never could have imagined.
However, since moving away from conventional parenting styles (such as seeing my kids’ “negative” emotions as something to fix) toward a deeper, more honest and level connection with my kids (seeing my kids as they are without needing to be “fixed”), I have begun to “take on” their emotions. When I was less connected with them and they were sad, I could separate myself from their emotions. Now, I get stuck in their head space. How can I continue to connect with them without carrying that weight with me? Right now, they are going through this amazing emotional journey, finding language for feelings, coping skills, and ways find comfort when it is needed. But, all of this emotional openness has left me feeling raw, weepy and exhausted. Is this the way is just has to be because of my empathic side, or is there a better way for me to connect without falling into their struggles? Any insight is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Links to things mentioned in the show
podcast episode #97, Unschooling and Diversity with Erika Davis-Pitre
Anne’s article, Validating Our Children
podcast episode #112, Q&A Round Table
Anna’s website: choosingconnection.com
Episode Transcript
April 18, 2018
EU120: Unschooling and Autism with Erin Human
Erin Human is an unschooling mom of two and she joins me this week to talk about her experiences with unschooling and autism. Erin has an autistic son, and was diagnosed with autism herself as an adult. She’s also a wonderful artist and is the art director for Autism Women’s Network, as well as co-founding director of Autistic Families International. We dive into her family’s journey to unschooling, her autism diagnosis, why unschooling is such a great fit for autistic children, ways unschooling groups can be more welcoming to autistic children, and lots more!
Quote of the Week
“I actually think that autistic children are a perfect fit for unschooling. I really see the foundation of unschooling as being that relationship of mutual trust and respect between parents and children. I think that is really the bedrock of unschooling, and that is the way that autistic children really thrive is to have that relationship with their parents where you trust that your child’s unique perceptions are valid and that their unique way of being is a valid way to be.” ~ Erin Human
Questions for Erin
Can you share with us a bit about you and your family?
How did you discover unschooling and what did your family’s move to unschooling look like?
You have a great post on your blog about your own autism diagnosis. Can you share with us a bit about that journey?
Could you share a little bit about the pros and cons that you found about going through the diagnosis?
You also have a really interesting post about the language used around autism, specifically around the word “disabled,” which informed the title for this podcast episode. Can you talk about why you don’t shy away from the word?
In unschooling groups, I pretty regularly see questions like, “Will unschooling work for my autistic child?” How do you answer that question? What are some of the benefits of unschooling for autistic children?
As an unschooling mom with autism, can you share some of the day-to-day supports that you’ve found helpful?
Can you share some ideas about ways unschooling groups can be more welcoming to autistic children?
Links to things mentioned in the show
Peter Gray’s book, Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life
Erin’s blog post, Neurodivergent
Erin mentioned the blog, Musings of an Aspie
Erin’s blog post, #SayTheWord, Not “Special Needs”
Heather Lake’s podcast episode
Erin’s website/blog, erinhuman.com and the Facebook page
Erin’s also on Twitter
You can also see her work on the Autism Women’s Network Facebook page
Episode Transcript
April 11, 2018
EU119: Gaming and Growing Up Unschooling with Xander MacSwan
Xander MacSwan left school in the 5th grade when his parents—both professors in the University of Maryland’s College of Education—decided the best thing they could do was pull their kids out of school and start unschooling. We dive deep into Xander’s passion for video games, including the difference between gaming as part of deschooling and choosing gaming as a passion, the joys of gaming, and things he learned or experienced through gaming that continue to be relevant in his life.
Quote of the Week
“To me, one of the most valuable parts of unschooling is the unconditional positive regard and acceptance that a parent can give to a kid. Just that sense of trusting, that it’s okay to be myself and it’s okay to do what feels good and take care of myself. I think that’s such a huge thing to be able give a young and developing mind.” ~ Xander MacSwan
Questions for Xander
Can you share with us a bit about you and your family, and what your family’s move to unschooling looked like?
One of the common worries for newer unschooling parents is around whether or not to limit the time their children spend playing video games. And there’s definitely a difference between deschooling and choosing gaming as a passion, though at first it might be hard to distinguish between them. Can you talk about the difference?
How did your passion for gaming develop? Can you share a bit about how that unfolded for you?
In my experience, I think diving into any passion, including a passion for video games, can be a wonderful way to learn so much about ourselves. And that understanding applies everywhere in our lives. Was that your experience?
Can you share some examples of things you learned or experienced through gaming growing up that continue to be relevant in your life now? What threads do you see looking back?
As a grown unschooler, what piece of advice would you like to share with unschooling parents who are just starting out on this journey?
Links to things mentioned in the show
Xander’s episode on Blake Boles’ Off-Trail Learning podcast
Xander works at Rose City NVC
Episode Transcript
April 4, 2018
EU118: Everything’s Connected with Nikole Verde
Nikole Verde and I have a great conversation about how, with unschooling, everything’s connected. Nikole is the home ed columnist at JUNO Magazine and she’s been doing a fun series where she looks at how different topics—or subjects, from a more school-ish mindset—can weave into our unschooling lives. Eventually, we notice that all of those topics and subjects weave together into living as we come to realize that everything’s connected.
Quote of the Week
“Looking back, we did recognize that she had a lot of dyslexic traits that probably made it a slower path for her, but it was not a worse path. She was still learning so much every day and getting so much information and experimenting and observing and learning through just a different pathway.” ~ Nikole Verde
Questions for Nikole
Can you share with us a bit about you and your family?
How did you discover unschooling and what did your family’s move to unschooling look like?
Let’s start with unschooling and art. How might art organically weave into our days and how can we support that?
How about unschooling and reading? Outside of school, learning to read can look so different, can’t it?
How about unschooling and science? Science is everywhere, isn’t it?
Your eldest chose to go to an alternative school last year. How has she found the experience?
You also work part-time as a librarian. Can you share a bit about how you weave your work into your unschooling days?
Links to things mentioned in the show
Nikole is the home ed columnist at JUNO Magazine
Nikole is VerdeMama on Instagram and Facebook, and her blog
Episode Transcript
March 28, 2018
EU117: Q&A Round Table
Anne Ohman joins Pam to answer listener questions (Anna wasn’t able to join us). This month we dive into questions around meeting the needs of multiple children with diverse personalities and needs, shifting and reconnecting with the children after challenging times, shifting away from control as a parenting tool, and what to do about children who often interrupt.
Click here to submit your own question to the Q&A Round Table!
Listener Questions
Candace’s Question (from Pittsburg, US) [TIME: 4:10]
Hi everyone! I’m loving listening to the podcast and really appreciate all of your voices and insight on this amazing unschooling journey.
Quick background about me: I’m a part-time yoga teaching. I teach 12 class a week, early mornings and some evenings. My husband works a regular 40 hour work week. I am home with the kids during the bulk of their time awake.
We have 3 kids ages (almost) 7, 5, and 3. We just pulled them out of school at the end of their last school year (the older two were in kindergarten and preschool respectively.) At first we tried “school at home.” But that ended with power struggles, tears, and exhaustion. We are now fully unschooling, and loving it. (Although, I know that I have some more “deschooling” work to do.) I cannot say enough how unschooling helped every person in our family find connections to each other and ourselves.
My oldest, Cordelia, is very outgoing and energetic. She lights up around other people and loves exploring the world. My 5 year old, Merric, has social anxiety and is very mellow and introverted. He gets easily exhausted from brief (less than an hour) exposure to public settings. When he is home he has a beautifully rich internal world. My 3 year old, Winifred, is very attached to me and asks for a lot of attention, and does not nap. She is a lot of fun, and is happy to do whatever her older two are doing as long as I can hold her.
Anyway, here is the question: how do I honor and meet the needs of all three of my kids, when I am the only one home? If we stay home Cordelia is miserable. If we go out Merric is miserable. And if we go out for a brief outing, and then at home I choose to have quiet time with Merric, to help him restore himself, Winifred physically fights him for my attention.
Any ideas would be very helpful. I feel like whatever I choose these days I am betraying one of my kids’ needs. They are pretty resilient, but I would like things to be a bit smoother, or at least know that they can smooth out in the near future.
Anonymous Question [TIME: 17:50]
Hi all,
We are an unschooling family with 2 little kids, aged 2&4. We have been on this journey for a couple of years now and having this podcast and deschooling really helped us to get to a point where I felt like everything was going ok.
However we have had some really really hard times with a job loss, an upcoming move and just the stress of an uncertain future. My husband and I have been fighting a lot and some of it has spilled over in front of the kids. I’m really ashamed to admit it but they’ve seen some screaming matches. I’ve also been disconnected and spending a lot of time by myself while my husband handles them. Which is fine, but I’m usually the primary caregiver so their routine has gone for a toss as well.
My husband and I are working hard to make up and work things out. We are also trying hard not to let the kids sense our tension.
Any ideas on what would help make up for what they’ve already seen/heard? I feel like the overall atmosphere of our home is so stressed and so so sad. What can I do? What can we do? Please help me.
Erica’s Question (from Missouri, US) [TIME: 28:12]
Being raised in a standard power and control authoritarian model home, what functionally practical steps would you recommend to get started surrendering the illusion of control and practice honoring my children’s autonomy? Specifically what choices can I make when the urge to dominate and control monster where I become my authority models rears it’s ugly head? Did you face this and if so how did you deal with it? Thank you in advance love future unschooler current momster.
Alex’s Question (from France) [TIME: 38:13]
Hello and first of all let me thank you for your wonderful podcasts, help, advices and support ! It is of a great help and is a big source of pleasure for all parents who listen to them, I am sure !
I would like to hear your opinion about children who interrupt. My boys (5 and 7 y.o.) very often interrupt me and it annoys me a lot. When we are at home it does not happen so often but when we are in a restaurant, at a doctor’s office it can happen very often and it is very-very annoying. I explained them many times that they should wait for their turn and that it is not polite but nothing helps. What can help me to sort out this situation in a positive and polite manner ?
Thank you very very much ! Have a nice day !
Links to things mentioned in the show
Pam’s book, The Unschooling Journey
Pam’s talk, A Family of Individuals, in audio or in text
Anne’s website: shinewithunschooling.com
Episode Transcript
March 21, 2018
EU116: Growing Up Unschooling with Summer Jean
Summer Jean and I have a wonderful conversation about her experience growing up unschooling. We chat about how her mom came to unschooling, dealing with disapproval from extended family members, how her passion for glass art has unfolded, some of the common questions she gets when people learn she didn’t go to school and lots more.
Quote of the Week
“It’s human instinct to evolve. I mean, how did we get to where we are? It wasn’t from someone forcing us to learn something we didn’t care about. It was from us being curious and interested and wanting to get better at something.” ~ Summer Jean
Questions for Summer
Can you share with us a bit about you and your family?
What did your family’s move to unschooling look like?
What inspired you to learn more about unschooling and did it change the way you saw your childhood?
I understand that you guys experienced quite a bit of pressure and disapproval from extended family growing up. How did you deal with that? Any tips you’d like to share?
How did you discover your passion for glass art and how did that unfold?
When people find out you that you grew up unschooled, I imagine they are full of questions. What are some of the most common questions you get?
Links to things mentioned in the show
Pam’s new blog post, The Nature of Time (an excerpt from her book, The Unschooling Journey: A Field Guide)
Summer’s personal Facebook, and her business, Mermaid Art Glass, on Facebook, and Instagram
Episode Transcript
March 19, 2018
The Nature of Time
Time turns out to be an essential component of unschooling—and not just in the ways we first suspect.
When we begin unschooling, we often choose it in juxtaposition to school. Maybe we don’t like the systematization of knowledge and how it breaks the very real connections that exist between subjects in the real world. Maybe we don’t like the classroom setup and its heavy reliance on one learning style, competition, and extrinsic motivation. Maybe we don’t like the bland socialization, how it groups same-age children by virtue of geographic proximity and then leaves them to fend for themselves.
We’re choosing something different, for sure. But chances are, we’re still wrapped up in the conventional messages around time. Around productivity and busyness and “having something to show” for time spent.
We’re going to take that “school time” and replace it with “unschooling time” and we’re good to go.
Right?
Soon, we discover it’s not that simple. The nature of time through the conventional school lens—which has become society’s lens—is that learning marches along in measured steps: fact by fact, skill by skill, day by day. It doesn’t take long watching children who are free to learn to see that that’s just not true. Genuine, engaged learning cannot be usefully measured by time. It comes in fits and starts. In big jumps of revelation and baby steps of determined understanding. And we start to suspect that those big stretches of time they spend seemingly “doing nothing of value” are playing an important role too.
Our concept of time begins to unravel as its true nature reveals itself.
It’s important to note that when I talk about time, I mean free time. Time that is at our disposal to do with what we wish. With unschooling, it’s essential for:
our deschooling—it takes as long as it takes for us to explore all the conventional wisdom around learning and parenting we’ve absorbed over the years
our children’s learning—it takes as long as it takes for them to explore their interests and passions and to connect what they’re learning into their bigger picture understanding of the world and how it works
everyone’s growing self-awareness—it takes as long as it takes for us all to process, and maybe later re-process, our experiences
And that’s only the start.
Let’s peek into The Unschooling Journey, in stage eight, where we explore the value of time and embracing all experiences …
***
Over the last two stages, you’ve confronted a lot of conventional wisdom around learning and parenting. You’ve worked to replace school and curriculum-based learning with learning through living—helping your children follow their curiosity and engage in their interests and passions. You’ve also taken great strides in replacing control with connection in your relationships with your children, taking each moment as it comes and working together to find a path forward that meshes reasonably well with everyone involved.
And you’ve started to see some of the beautiful ways in which these truths play out with your children. I bet there have been moments when you were amazed by their insight and choices! And times when you played with your discomfort to learn more about it. Your trust in the process of unschooling is growing as you add your personal experience to the mix, stirring it in with your initial intellectual understanding. And you’ve gained some well-earned confidence through navigating the twists and turns of the journey so far.
You can think of your deschooling story to this point as working through much of the nuts and bolts of unschooling, the hands-on details of living unschooling day-to-day. You see your children actively learning without curriculum or formal instruction, following their curiosity and flowing from one activity to the next, sometimes quickly, sometimes spending an extended amount of time focused on one thing in particular. Saying yes comes more easily to you. As does taking the time to solicit your children’s perspectives, bringing their needs and wishes more thoughtfully into the conversation.
Now things get really interesting! As our understanding of our new world of unschooling grows, we are naturally drawn to digging deeper. I say naturally because, as I mentioned back in the introduction, our journey turns out to be about so much more than unschooling. We are exploring what it means to be a human being living fully in the world—in this case, through the lens of unschooling. Campbell’s journey framework is descriptive, not prescriptive. Meaning, he looked at a wide range of stories and deduced their commonalities rather than coming up with the journey first and trying to find stories that fit. These patterns are how human beings are wired. I love how Jonathan Gottschall describes it in his book, The Storytelling Animal (2012): “If you haven’t noticed this before, don’t despair: story is for a human as water is for a fish—all-encompassing and not quite palpable.”
The Universal Mother
Campbell calls this stage of our story “The Meeting with the Goddess.” In myths and stories, the hero must be spiritually prepared to meet this revered goddess, the Universal Mother, who represents the whole cycle of life. If not yet ready, the hero is only able to see aspects of her. To meet her in her true form is to rise to her challenge and be able to contemplate the entire birth–death cycle she represents with equanimity. The ups and downs. The good and the bad. Cosmic creation and destruction. To be able to hold both these seemingly opposing ideas in your mind with comparable appreciation.
Kali, from Hindu mythology, is a great example of the kind of goddess you meet in this stage. As the goddess of time, creation, and destruction, she represents both the benevolence of a caring, comforting mother and the fury of an aggressive, punishing one, as well as the expanse of time that contains them both. You’ve probably heard the adage, “Change is the only constant in life.” Well, Kali’s four arms represent the rhythm of this change: creation and destruction, birth and death, good and bad. Typically, her two left hands hold a bloody sword and a severed head, while her two right hands depict protection and compassion. When we look at Kali’s right side we see good; when looking at her left, we see bad. If we aren’t yet ready to see her in her true form, we see one side or the other. But when we are ready to grasp the truth that lies at the heart of this stage, we see her full nature.
~ ~ ~
According to Hindu myth, Raktabija, whose name means “the seed of blood,” was a demon who received a boon, or blessing, from Brahma, the creator God, that meant every time a drop of his blood touched the ground, a duplicate of himself would be created. Raktabija was a fearsome demon, causing a lot of trouble for both people and gods, but every time the gods tried to vanquish him, the battlefield became littered with his clones.
In desperation, the gods approached Shiva, one of the three gods responsible for the creation, upkeep and destruction of the world, but he was deep in meditation, and they were loath to disturb him. They turned to Parvati, his wife, and asked for her help in defeating the demon Raktabija.
Parvati agreed and assumed the form of Goddess Kali to do battle. Kali was fierce, with sharp teeth and wild hair. When she appeared on the battlefield, she struck fear into Raktabija for the first time. Understanding his advantage, Kali told the gods to attack the demon and then spread her tongue to cover the whole battlefield so that not one drop of his blood touched the ground. Unable to reproduce, Raktabija was finally vanquished by the gods. (In another version of the story, it was Kali herself who cut off his head and drank all of his blood.)
Having consumed all of Raktabija’s blood, Kali transformed into a destructive force herself, killing anyone who crossed her path and decorating herself with trophies of battle: the heads and limbs of her victims. The gods, frightened and unable to calm her, decided to arouse Shiva from his meditation and asked him to intervene. Shiva found Kali and threw himself at her feet, which eventually calmed her, and she embraced him, shedding her deadly form.
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Illustration by Hema Bharadwaj. (click to enlarge)This story is just one of the creation myths that surround Kali. We see how she came into being, with Parvati transforming into Kali to help the gods defeat the demon Raktabija. Seeing a way to outwit the demon’s trick, Kali saves the day by drinking all of his spilled blood so he may be defeated, but, as a result, transforms into a destructive force, killing anyone who crosses her path. Eventually, her husband, Shiva, is able to calm her down and she transforms into a gentler form. In her story, we see the cycle of creation, destruction, and back again, in the fullness of time. In fact, Kali is the feminine word for time in Sanskrit; she is the personification of time in Hindu mythology.
It’s a captivating story, but how does it relate to our unschooling journey?
Preparing to Meet Our Kali
All that we’ve learned on our journey so far about the world of unschooling has prepared us for this stage. We’ve been living our unschooling truths about learning and parenting for a while now. We’ve seen them play out in our lives, with our children, and we have some real experience under our belt. As insatiably curious human beings, we continue to ask ourselves why. As we continue to dig into these truths to better understand them, we soon catch a glimpse of what lies beneath. We start to see the connections between our unschooling perspective on why quitting things is not “bad,” and why saying yes more is not “bad,” and why our children seemingly doing nothing is not “bad.” We notice that when we didn’t stop our children because we feared they were making a “bad” choice, most often they went on to happily engage in the activity, see how it played out, and incorporate that experience next time. In other words, we saw them learning. A lot.
By giving our days the time to unfold more naturally, we’ve seen new and interesting things take root in the wake of destruction and upset many times. From a fallen block tower springs a taller and sturdier one. From highly anticipated plans falling through emerges a spontaneous trip to the park, or a cuddly movie day, which turns out to be just what was needed. Without knowing it, we have been thoroughly preparing ourselves for this meeting.
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This is an excerpt from my new book The Unschooling Journey: A Field Guide, a weave of myths, contemporary stories, and tales from my journey. It’s not a “how to” book—no two paths through the world of unschooling have the same twists and turns—yet having a general sense of where you are on your journey can bring valuable insight as you navigate the challenges that will inevitably appear. I share this book as a field guide to the stages and characters you are likely to encounter in some form on your unschooling journey. The print edition (Amazon) is also a journal for you to document your journey alongside. Order your copy now.
