Melissa Snark's Blog: The Snarkology, page 117

Size Matters!

Mr. and Mrs. Snark recently redecorated their family room. During the process of choosing a new ottoman, the following exchange took place via email.
 
On 2/13/2013 3:22 PM, Mr. Snark wrote:
I think a small rug is fine. Even a relatively large one is fine. Custom sizing just conjures up images of something that fills or nearly fills the entire space. What I want is to replace the coffee table with two or three leather storage cube ottomans. Those could be easily moved out of the way for Kinect or Wii gaming, converted to little tables for food and drink, and used for storing blankets, remotes, game controllers etc. They'd make the room feel less crowded too.


On Wed, Feb 13, 2013 at 3:37 PM, Mrs. Snark wrote:
Too small. I want one big enough to make sweet sweet love on top of, so I don't fall off and hit the floor.

 
On 2/13/2013 3:40 PM, Mr. Snark wrote:
Then it'll be too big to move.


On Wed, Feb 13, 2013 at 3:42 PM, Mrs. Snark wrote:
We managed to scoot your entire bed around on a parquet floor. I'm sure it will move.


On 2/13/2013 4:04 PM, Mrs. Snark wrote:
I want there to be more space in that area in front of the couch, but I also want someplace to set my drink. The big ones don't convert into a food and drink platform so can't really serve as a coffee table. The choice isn't between a big ottoman and a few small storage cubes, it's between small storage cubes and a conventional coffee table.


On Wed, Feb 13, 2013 at 4:06 PM, Mrs. Snark wrote:
Fine, you're not interested in sex anymore. Got it.

On 2/13/2013 4:10 PM, Mr. Snark wrote:
Egads woman! What size ottoman would you like?


On Wed, Feb 13, 2013 at 4:26 PM, Mrs. Snark wrote:
I'd think any self-respecting man would offer AT LEAST 44" X 29" over a mere 19.5". 

EGADS, Mr. Snark. SIZE MATTERS!

Book Review: House of Zeor by Jacqueline Lichtenberg

House Of Zeor by Jacqueline Lichtenberg

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I read this entire series as a teenager and I recently discovered they were available on ebook, so I purchased them for a second read. The basic premise is distopian science fiction where the human race has evolved into two parts. First, Simes, who consume life energy every month in order to live. Second, Gen "Generators" who produce the vital life force the Simes must have. When a Gen resists a Sime's attempt to take the life force, the Gen suffers pain and dies. Thus, humanity is split into two adversarial factions, constantly at war. They possess primitive technology and appear to live an agrarian lifestyle.

Out of the chaos, Householdings emerge, the only places where Simes and Gens live in unity without Simes killing the Gens. House of Zeor revolves around the adventures of Hugh, a Gen policeman who is attempting to rescue his kidnapped girlfriend. Helping him, Klyd Farris is a channel, one of the rare Simes who takes life force from Gens and gives it to Simes to keep them from the kill.

The first book lacks the mysticism apparent in later books which moves it into the realm of fantasy. I appreciate its solid roots in reality, because some of the later books get way out there and become difficult to digest. The descriptive scenes are great, pulling the reader into the world, creating a mental picture. Excellent world-building.

House of Zeor is not quite as fantastic as my memories of it. However, it is very obviously a first novel, riddled with errors such as head hopping and congruency issues, which I did not perceive as a teenager, but see now. Also, as a grown woman, I have come to perceive Hugh as rather whiny and lacking in self-control, qualities unbecoming in a grown man.

Despite its flaws, the author tells a compelling tale of people struggling to overcome their differences. The heroes endure hardships and personal sacrifices in order to make the world a better place. It is a story of hope and belief in a brighter future, and I found myself swept up in the plot right to the end.

Buy Links:
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Book Review: Before the Blooming

Blurb:  “Before the Blooming is a collection of seven years of poetry that truly show the experience of being alive through eight unique sections, Love, Lust, Life, Nature, Religion, Fantasy, Darkness & Death, and Etc. Before the Blooming discusses all aspects of living through the use of poetry. The good times, and the bad. Because in the end, everything, is an experience.”








 Review:



The Piano Girl I know a girlWhose fingers dance among the ivoriesShe stays there all dayAll nightInto the morrow she plays,A personal songbirdHer proper soul plays as if she’s carefreeAll her notes are lightheartedBut this girl is cursedHer heart dances when she playsSo she plays,And playsAlways playing…Doomed to never stopFor once the music ends,And the dancing ceases,Its’ back to painful realityHer true love is goneHer keys will remain sear As long as she plays,Mind consumed by notes and melodies,It has no room for his nameShe plays until her fingers bleedAll her keys are redStill she’s playingKeeping memories at bay with her songShe prays insideHe will follow home her melodiesThe notes are all for himBefore the Blooming, pg. 51-52
Before the Blooming is a collection of poetry representing seven years of a young woman's life. Poems are ordered by topic, and cover a wide range of subjects: life and death, love and loss, serious and whimsical. The spirit of the volume is transformative, demonstrating growth at the endurance of life's painful lessons, and also hopeful.
I'll confess, I don't know a great deal about poetry. I'm driven to write other things, and usually with a great deal more wordiness than a mere poem could hope to contain. That said, I enjoyed browsing through Bree Felling's compendium a great deal. There is a lot to like, including a lovely cover showing a tender blossom in the dirty hands of a gardener.
As a mother, this nurturing image corresponds to how I often feel about my own children—as caretaker and protector. (Of course, at other times I am a zookeeper and the warden of an insane asylum.) It varies with the day of the week and the moon cycle...
Bree fully manages to capture the trials and tribulations of feminine youth. She pours her heart into her poetry and takes the reader along on an empathetic journey. She portrays the people in her life with passion, and my mind's eyes painted a portrait of the individuals she wrote about. In particular, "The Piano Girl" resonated with me, leaving me with a vivid mental image and a profound sense of melancholy.
My orderly tendencies wanted to regroup the poems chronologically instead of categorically in order to make the journey linear, but I can understand why the poet chose as she did to go with broad categories instead of a well-ordered progression. Emotions, like life, are seldom neat.
I would have liked to see a bit more done with the formatting—poems run onto more than one page, leaving a lot of white space that could have been used more efficiently. Also, I wanted more pictures, because for me, poetry and pictures go hand in hand. The volume does contain the occasional small image but it would have benefited from the inclusion of photographs or drawings.
Before the Blooming is a wonderful reading choice for anyone who enjoys poetry and wishes to reconnect with a young woman's journey to adulthood.

Find Bree on the Internet:Website   Facebook   Twitter   
 Buy Links:Amazon KindleAmazon PaperbackBree Felling Lulu Bookstore

A Witch Without Magic by Larisa Walk

Blurb:


When her neighbors accuse Belladonna of Satanism and making them age years to days, she must find who is behind it or face a modern day witch hunt. Her mysterious enemy knows where to strike to cause the most damage: Belladonna's only friend is losing his life-force; the garden that feeds her is dying; and her house ghost goes poltergeist. To save her neighbors and friends and prove her innocence, she must travel to the Otherworld where butterflies have razor wings and where her worst fears will come to life.

Excerpt:



The mob on the other side of the wrought iron fence wore no tri-cornered hats or starched bonnets.  They didn’t brandish pitchforks or flaming torches.  Hell, they didn’t even bring a preacher to drive the Devil out.  Still, they had come to flush out a witch and the witch was me.
They were thirty all together, gathered outside my gate under the two California live oaks that shade the sidewalk in midday.  I had to squint into the still hot mid-October sun to study their unfamiliar faces.  The mob included several dwarves.  The youngest dwarf must have been in her forties, a tiny woman that for some reason wore a yellow, red and blue Snow White dress with an appliquéd picture of Snow White on the chest.  She didn’t look like a typical dwarf: no classically high forehead and her arms and legs were proportionate.  She was holding a fluffy purple teddy bear by a front paw and sucking her thumb.
In the sun my forehead sweated under the straw hat.  A mocking bird’s harsh chirrup burst from the oak on the right, piercing as a car horn.  I flinched.
I don’t much like or trust people in large groups - doing time in Greenville State Prison for Women had taught me that.  In prison the exercise yard is the most dangerous place to be: too many inmates in one area, too many chances to be stabbed with a shiv made from a sharpened toothbrush handle or from melted and hardened Styrofoam cups.




Author Bio:
Larisa Walk, a native Russian, lives in California with her husband and two formerly homeless cats. She writes paranormal fiction that is more often than not populated by characters from the Russian fairy world. Her short fiction appeared in several anthologies and magazines. She has published a historic fantasy novel, A Handful of Earth, and a modern paranormal novel, A Witch Without Magic. See her quirky blog posts here: http://www.larisawalk.com

Buy link:
Amazon Kindle ebook


Larisa will be awarding a $10 Amazon Gift Certificate to five randomly drawn commenters during the tour.  Please follow the tour and leave comments. The more you comment, the better your chances of winning.



The tour dates can be found here:








 

Cat Physics 102

Law of Open Portals:  When presented with any kind of open doorway or window, cats will be irresistibly drawn through the portal whether the feline wishes to go or not. This force does not appear to affect either people or objects, only cats.


Case in point: when the Snark family room sliding glass door opens, all three of the family cats are sucked through into the back yard.  The force at work appears to have the greatest affect on the least massive feline.  

Invariably, Rocket Squirrel, the skinniest of the three cats, goes first. In fact, much like his namesake, Rocket experiences a high rate of acceleration and explodes into the outdoors, departing in a blur to parts unknown.

A short time later, Jake, the second heaviest animal, is pulled through, although usually at a much slow speed. Finally, Clio, the fat gray kitty, is sluggishly sucked outside and deposited on the patio in a furry heap.

Desire to remain inside does not appear to negate the irresistible pull of the open portal. Although all three cats always wind up going through, at least one of the felines winds up sitting on the other side of the patio door.

The cat stares soulfully through the glass with huge emo eyes. How did I get out here?
she seems to ask. Why, oh why, am I outside where there is fresh air and sunshine?

Help me! Please, help me!

Opening the portal a second time usually results in an opposite but not equal reaction. One cat will return, maybe two, but never all three.

An important and notable exception to the Law of Open Portals appears to exist, which Mrs. Snark has not been able to adequately explain.

Miss Bear appears to be affected by the same force as the Snark family cats. When a door is opened, Miss Bear winds up outside.

Logically, I must conclude either Miss Bear is a cat or the law is incomplete.

Author Spotlight: Bree Felling

Please tell us about yourself and your writing.
Hello! My name is Bree Felling, Poet, Spoken Word artist and author of “Before the Blooming”. I started writing poetry frequently around age 10, I had also experimented writing novels but I never ended up finishing them, I seemed to speak my mind best through poetry.  In my teens it was more of a therapy for me, a quick and easy way to write what I was feeling at exactly that time, it was a challenge to myself to describe my life at the time in the least amount of words possible. I want to be able to say the words and thoughts people are afraid to say out loud and admit them to themselves. I want someone to read my work and be able to say “This is exactly how I’m feeling right now, these are the words I’ve been trying to say”. 
I actually never had any intention of publishing any of my work. The thought had never crossed my mind, it was always more of a personal therapy session for me. Later on I suffered a bad case of writers block, but met someone who helped me get over it. I began to be able to write again, and started experimenting with ‘spoken word’ instead of poetry after I was introduced to it in college. I found an open mic café in the town beside me and decided to go one night. I decided that the next Friday I was going to begin performing my work. It was time the world knew what I had to say. Now I’m also working on my next collection of poetry, and an adult poetry book as well.

 But aside from writing I’ve always been a very creative and “fashion forward” person. I’ve always released my inner artist by messing around with crazy makeup looks, weird hair colors, colored contacts and outfits. I always thought life was too short to look the same every day. I’ve always loved pushing boundaries and re-defining normality, both in my life, and my writing.What inspired your current book?
 I don’t think I could have found any other title better then “Before the Blooming”. I chose this title because that’s exactly what the book was for me, a printed version of the growth process that I went through in my life, and as a writer. I left the dates intact for most of the poems, it lets you know how old I was while reading, so you can literally see the growth as a person and a poet. The poetry inside was everything I dealt with between ages 10 to about 18. The loss, the depression and my thoughts; but also my happiness, my joy, and creative thinking.
Blurb:  “Before the Blooming is a collection of seven years of poetry that truly show the experience of being alive through eight unique sections, Love, Lust, Life, Nature, Religion, Fantasy, Darkness & Death, and Etc. Before the Blooming discusses all aspects of living through the use of poetry. The good times, and the bad. Because in the end, everything, is an experience.”
Find Bree on the Internet:Website   Facebook   Twitter   
 Buy Links:Amazon KindleAmazon PaperbackBree Felling Lulu Bookstore

Cat Physics 101

The laws of physics as applied to cats. Originally posted here.


Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
 
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
 A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
 
Second Law of Energy Conservation   
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.

Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.

Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.

Law of Cat Probability (Cat's Uncertainty Principle)
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she "might" be.

Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.

My research has led to a newly discovered law of cat physics. Tomorrow I will be talking about how the gravity  of open portals affects cats... 

National Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Today I'm posting in support of National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. This is a video called "Stout Words" by Jodi Martinez, featuring poet Bree Felling.



To learn more, please visit the official website.

Sick Bears Are Sad

Miss Bear has an ear infection.

There's nothing sadder than a baby with an ear infection. The ailment leads to inconsolable crying in the middle of the night for hours on end. It's guaranteed to make even the stoutest parent into a nervous wreck. 

Now, when Miss Bear is sad, she makes she that everyone around her knows it. The child actually says, "Boo Hoo", carefully enunciating each word for greatest effect.

Due to her great sorrow, Miss Bear wound up in bed with Mr. and Mrs. Snark, sandwiched in the middle of the mattress with a stolen pillow and a pile of blankies.

Soon after, Miss Bear fell back to sleep. However, to ensure that her parents did not accidentally obtain any quality REM time, Miss Bear made a point of whimpering every thirty seconds or so. 

Darth Snark has it easy. He slaps on his breathing mask and is out like a light. A bomb could go off and he wouldn't hear it. However, Mrs. Snark is a light-sleeper, and so she laid awake for over an hour, listening to Mr. Snark exhale, Miss Bear whimper, Mr. Snark exhale, whimper, exhale...and so on.

I think I went insane.  I'm not really sure, but I'm pretty sure.

At 6:30AM, the alarm went off. Mr. Snark continued to snooze contentedly away so Mrs. Snark dragged herself from bed in order to get the boys up and moving.

Having assured they were getting ready for school, she returned to bed only to find Miss Bear sleeping sideways across the mattress, taking up every inch of available space. I kid you not, the child had expanded in order to occupy the entire area.

Apparently, Miss Bear is really Miss Kitty. 

Mrs. Snark turned herself into a U and managed to find a few square inches on the mattress. Her eyes closed and fifteen minutes later, Mr. Snark woke her up to tell her that one of the boys needed to be taken to school.

The morning after is worse than the night of. It's like a party without any pleasure. Of course, sick kids are part of parenting, but when it's happening to YOU, it feels like being trapped in some eternal half-waking nightmare. 

Bleary-eyed parents always have the luxury of a coffee binge to help them follow the ingrained patterns of routine. Hours later when the buzz starts to wear off, the jitters set in--shaking hands, blank stare. Once the full caffeine hangover hits, it only gets worse until you can't complete a sentence or maintain enough concentration to win at Tic Tac Toe.

Miss Bear saw her doctor today and received antibiotics. She's in bed now, hopefully there to stay.

I had some sort of humorous anecdote about my son's trumpet playing prowess to tell you today, but the entire thought process got blown to smithereens. I haven't really reconstructed a useful sentiment since.

I'm heading to bed now. I hope someone can read this in the morning and laugh.

Hell, I hope that I can read this in the morning and laugh.

Book Review: Gamble by Derek Odom

Blurb:A young chess hustler goes on the supernatural adventure of a lifetime when he meets Mortimer Blackwell, a strange elderly man, who grants him an irresistible gift.
Review:



"Gamble" had immediate appeal because the story contains two disparate elements--chess and the supernatural—and combines them to make for an unusual story. Indie author Derek Odom creates an interesting tale of suspense and intrigue that kept me turning the pages just to see what would happen next.
The story's hero, Sam, hustles chess along California's Santa Monica boardwalk, eking out a modest living, but never really living up to his potential. One day Sam meets an older gentleman, Mortimer Blackwell, who offers Sam the gift of telepathy—the ability to read minds—but with a price tag attached.
The story follows Sam to Las Vegas where he learns to play poker, using his unique abilities to accumulate a fortune at high-stakes poker. Along the way, Sam meets a pretty redhead, Katie, the only person in the city that Sam cannot read. Naturally, the young couple falls in love, but Katie has secrets of her own.
Derek keeps the plot moving with steadily building tension toward an epic battle between two ancient forces at the story's climax. Although chess play is described in narrow detail, the technical aspects of the game are skimmed over, and so do not bog down the story. Sam and Katie's relationship is sweet with closed door bedroom scenes, and a satisfying portrayal of young love.
As a whole, I thoroughly enjoyed "Gamble" from start to finish. Derek does such a great job of creating suspense and building toward the tense climax admirably well over the course of approximately eleven thousand words. I will admit—without giving away any spoilers—I had hoped for a more sinister finish to this intriguing tale.  Still, the conclusion wraps up the story nicely and provides a satisfactory ending.
"Gamble" is definitely recommended reading for fans of suspenseful short stories.
Visit Derek on the Internet:Website and Blog   Facebook   Twitter
Buy Link:Amazon Kindle