Melissa Snark's Blog: The Snarkology, page 121

After Marriage Arthritis

Mrs. Snark: "Dear, I have washed and folded a basket of laundry. Please put it away when you have a chance."Mr. Snark: "I'll get right on that."
Three weeks later:
Mrs. Snark: "Mr. John LazyBones Snark! It's been three weeks and you still haven't put away that basket of laundry! I've added fresh clean laundry to it every day since I first asked. Now it is stacked to the ceiling and teetering at a crazy angle!"Mr. Snark: "I'll get right on that."
Does this exchange sound familiar?  What many newlywed wives are just realizing, and old married ladies have known for years, is that this male behavior is indicative of a much greater ailment. What is After Marriage Arthritis?After Marriage Arthritis (AMA) is defined as a man's inability to perform a task--simple or complex--that his wife has requested be completed. While most often associated with married adult men, a similar strain of this condition has been known to affect bachelors and young males. During the courtship period, the man may hide or disguise his condition from his sweetheart by being extra helpful. The term "lazy" was once loosely used to imply the same disorder.  How common is it?After Marriage Arthritis is extremely common.  According to the Maryland Institute of Male Behavioral Studies, AMA is the most common ailment known to afflict married men. Comprehensive clinical trials designed to measure male noncompliance to female requests have revealed that AMA affects vast segments of the population. In fact, an estimated 99% of married men suffer from some degree of After Marriage Arthritis (classified as mild, moderate or severe).What is mild vs. severe?The mild AMA dysfunction typically occurs when a man is able to follow simple instructions, which results in the assigned task achieving some measurable degree of completeness. Severe dysfunction is where a husband cannot accomplish a task at all.  The actual severity of the condition may be considered a subjective problem. Some wives may be willing to accept a lower level of compliance than others. After Marriage Arthritis Causes: Psychological/PhysicalPsychological factors account for about 99.99% of AMA problems and often result from lethargy, laziness or simple unwillingness. These factors may result in sinks full of unwashed dishes and a variety of household chores going unperformed. Adverse Effects on Daily LifeA woman with a man affected by AMA may experience feelings of frustration and anger. Meanwhile, the man affected may experience secret feelings of smugness and accomplishment for having accomplished nothing. Personal relationships can be adversely affected if it is left untreated.Importance of Proactively Treating After Marriage ArthritisUnfortunately, there is no known cure for AMA at this time. Sometimes, nagging has been observed to act as a remedy. Other times, the suspension of coitus privileges has been demonstrated to temporarily alleviate the symptoms of AMA. A motivated penis makes for a more motivated husband.

To Mars! And beyond...

I read on the news that a privately funded group wants a married couple to agree to fly to Mars and back by 2018. 

Frankly, the idea of using a husband and wife team of astronauts for a 501 day mission is so crazy that it stands out even more than the underlying nutty idea of mounting a privately funded manned mission to Mars in five years. 
That's TWO PEOPLE trapped together for a 501-day, 36-MILLION mile journey in a space craft the size of a phone booth. There wouldn't even be a planned layover on Mars to get out and stretch their legs. The mission is just a fly by.
"Water and oxygen will be recycled in flight, so the crew will be drinking and breathing the same resources over and over throughout the journey, Inspiration Mars representatives said."
In layman's terms, they'd be recycling pee into drinking water. How would you feel about that? Just washing the hubby's underwear makes Mrs. Snark queasy... 

Not to mention the fact that you'd be unable to roll down the window and gasp for fresh air when the man lets a smelly fart rip. Hell, the necessary supply of Beano alone would exceed the mission mass budget.

It's going to take more than 501 days to find a couple willing to agree to the trip, let alone a duo psychologically stable enough to to return from the trip with a marriage that's not heading straight to Divorce Court.
Now, I want you, the reader, to imagine being trapped in a space capsule for approximately sixteen-months with your Dear Husband. Think about it—really think.
Can you see it? I can't.
I can hear it now: "Houston we've had a problem. Mr Snark has been 'accidentally' struck by a hammer thirty-seven times." 
I don't know about you but these people are FUCKING INSANE.
"And the mission planners will have to prepare for the possibility of a crew member perishing."
Yeah, no shit.

It seems probable that both astronauts would die during the mission. I imagine they would be looking forward to it.

Review: Take Me Home, Cowboy by Krista Ames

Blurb:
Ally Kincaid returns to Freewill, Wyoming, to see her father after a two year absence. Anticipating a quiet family reunion, she finds herself butting heads with her father’s foreman instead. The man’s arrogance and sexy drawl push all her buttons, making her wonder what he’s hiding beneath his cowboy swagger.
Matt Gentry walked away from the past and shies from the future. No ties means no one gets hurt…until the boss’s daughter, a hot, green-eyed blonde, tempts him to break his own rules.
When tragedy strikes, will building tension and pride destroy their growing attraction or show them the way home?


Review:
"Take Me Home, Cowboy" by Krista Ames is a contemporary western romance set in Freewill Wyoming. It is a story about returning home, and a tale of two people overcoming their differences to find a lifetime of lasting love. The novella's cover immediately captured my attention for its clean lines and attractive imagery, even though western romances are not a genre that I usually read.
Ally Kincaid is a small town girl who has made it big in New York City as an editor for a publishing company. She worries about her father, Jesse, who lives in Freewill, Wyoming on the Circle K Ranch, and is definitely a daddy's girl. She has been unlucky in love and has serious trust issues when it comes to dealing with people she does not know very well. An unplanned trip home following a two year absence brings her into direct conflict with Matt Gentry.
Matt is the Circle K Ranch's foreman and trusted right-hand man of Jesse Kincaid, a fact which seems to immediately incense Ally.  As a hero, Matt is great because he is a smart-mouthed guy with plenty of attitude. He also has secrets from his past and a fair amount of emotional baggage. He also has plenty of trust issues, and has spent the last two years of his life on the run from his troubled past.
Sparks fly from the moment that Ally and Matt meet and keep flying throughout the story. Initially, the pair seems determined to dislike one another but gradually their mutual attraction overwhelms their aversion.  Sex scenes were spicy hot, and the pair share a compelling attraction that makes for fun reading.
The one thing that threw me for a loop was the inclusion of Ally's creepy boss. I was unsure as to the exact plot purpose he served, and I believe the story would have been stronger without him.
Honestly, I wanted the story to be longer and I would have enjoyed reading more about these characters.  Ames did a great job of world building and recreating that cozy small town setting. "Take Me Home, Cowboy" is a terrific quick read for readers who love western romances set in modern settings.
  Buy Links: Amazon ebook Barnes & Noble ebook Decadent Publishing  ARe:  
Where to Find Krista Ames on the Web: Website   Facebook    Twitter   Blog   EmailAmazon Author Page     TRR Author Page   Goodreads 

Laundry Hampers: Mass Male Confusion...

"Why is this on the floor?" Mrs. Snark asks, scooping up Mr. Snark's wadded boxer shorts and sweats off the bathroom floor.

 "I'm in the shower," Mr Snark says in a patronizing tone. "Obviously, I can't shower clothed."  

Well DUH. 

Based upon anecdotal evidence, none of the Snark men appear to understand the purpose of laundry hampers. The root of the issue may be genetic or it may be gender-related. Mrs. Snark is unsure, but what she does know is that wet towels are piled on the backs of toilets, socks and underwear are kicked under beds, pants and shirts are dropped in random piles throughout the house.

Mrs. Snark has taken measures to ensure the wide spread availability, ease of use, and understanding of laundry hampers:

The Snark household has FIVE separate laundry hampers, one for each bedroom and then a spare outside of the children's bathroom. Mrs. Snark empties laundry hampers daily, so they are never full. Mrs. Snark has removed all lids from laundry hampers so they are not confusing or difficult to use. Mrs. Snark has measured all containers and eliminated any that might be too tall for a prospective male to reach. Miss Bear, who is the shortest member of the Snark household, is the yardstick. Not a single laundry hamper is taller than the tot. Also, Miss Bear manages to drop dirty clothes into designated containers. (Along with shoes, toys, TV remotes and various other household items...) Thus proving that the feat is physically feasible for taller individuals to accomplish.
 Mrs. Snark conducts frequent seminars in laundry hamper use. She stands before the assembled Snark men with a white board and markers, drawing diagrams with helpful directional arrows.

Then she smiles encouragingly and performs a live demonstration, gently dropping a waded shirt into a hamper. "See! It's easy! It saves floorspace and cuts back on mold! You can do it, yes you can!"

Author Spotlight: Krista Ames

Krista, please tell us about yourself and your writing.

Sure thing.   I am a wife to a fantastic and supportive husband.  I am a mom of 4 ornerier- than- ever kids, all in school and ranging from 13 to 6, 3 girls and 1 boy.  I am an author, in my spare time of course only because with a house of 6, the laundry and dishes are NEVER done and there’s never a dull or quiet moment lol.  We also have 2 cats and 2 dogs that keep us all jumping.  Somewhere within this whole mix, I am also the Review Coordinator for Still Moments Publishing.  
Currently, I have 4 short stories in anthologies published with Turquoise Morning Press and I have a contemporary western erotic romance out now with Decadent Publishing’s Western Escape line called Take Me Home, Cowboy.  I am currently working on a couple more for the same line but no information to reveal as of yet.  I will have a release with Still Moments Publishing sometime between May and July for a sensual romance. 

What inspired your current book?I just think cowboys in general inspired my current book, Take Me Home Cowboy.  I love them.  I’ve read hundreds of cowboy romances and each time I read another it only inspires me more. 


Blurb:
Ally Kincaid returns to Freewill, Wyoming, to see her father after a two year absence. Anticipating a quiet family reunion, she finds herself butting heads with her father’s foreman instead. The man’s arrogance and sexy drawl push all her buttons, making her wonder what he’s hiding beneath his cowboy swagger.
Matt Gentry walked away from the past and shies from the future. No ties means no one gets hurt…until the boss’s daughter, a hot, green-eyed blonde, tempts him to break his own rules.
When tragedy strikes, will building tension and pride destroy their growing attraction or show them the way home?



Buy Links: Amazon ebook Barnes & Noble ebook Decadent Publishing  ARe:  
Where to Find Krista on the Web: Website   Facebook    Twitter   Blog   EmailAmazon Author Page     TRR Author Page   Goodreads  

The Slowest Line

No matter what, Mrs. Snark always winds up in the slowest moving line. Location does not matter. Bank, grocery store, school registration...it's always the same. Time slows to a crawl and Mrs. Snark becomes trapped behind the world's greatest moron.

Pushing the shopping cart containing an impatient Miss Bear in the child seat, Mrs. Snark approaches two open check stands that are located side-by-side. Quickly, she eyeballs both, appraising not only the number of items on the belt, and the fullness of the carts, but also the demeanor of the shopper standing in line.

Hmm... both belts and carts are about equal, so it comes down to the little old lady with silver hair or the forty-something brunette woman. Being a forty-something housewife herself, Mrs. Snark throws her lot in behind the lady with the cart full of frozen diet meals. After all, anyone with a bunch of frozen food must be in a hurry to get them home before they melt. Right?

Right...?

Not so.

Everything seems to go smoothly up until the point where the cashiers asks, "Did you find everything?"


"Actually, I forgot canned stewed tomatoes."

No problem. The checker smiles and deploys her bagger to recover the missing item. Upon his return, the customer scrunches her nose and says, "Actually, I wanted organic."

Off he goes again and eventually returns with organic canned stewed tomatoes and payment is rendered. The process appears complete, but then--

"I calculated that my total should be $85.16," the customer says, waving her receipt for $86.16.

Apparently, she couldn't be bothered to notice this BEFORE she paid.

Together, she and the checker squint at the printed receipt, which is the length of Santa's Naughty list. 

Five minutes later, the shopper points to an item mid-list. "I bought ten frozen meals that are on sale ten for ten dollars but these rang up $1.10 each."

"I'll have to call for a manager to issue a refund. We're not allowed to change anything once I process payment," says the cashier, flipping on the blinking light above her register.

Another five minutes pass. Ten.

At long last, a frazzled manager shows up and then takes five more minutes to complete the refund process. The lady collects her dollar and departs.


Of course, the little old lady has been gone for twenty minutes...

Guest Spot Sunday: Reality Check by Dave Whamond

No guest blogger this weekend, so I'm featuring a really funny comic by Dave Whamond that I originally saw on Go Comics. I've linked through to it.

 I think most writers/editors can identify with this sentiment.


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A Rejoinder from Mr Snark

Mr. Snark here.


I would like to address the most recent of the aspersions heaped upon me daily in this space, by drawing the attention of our esteemed hostess to the conversation reproduced below:

You:  I want a Dyson vacuum for my birthday.
Me:  How dumb do you think I am? I’m not buying you a vacuum for your birthday. I’ll get in trouble.You:  No, you don’t understand. This is more than a vacuum; it’s a status symbol, a thing that can be showed off. It makes other women jealous. It’s what I want. Buy it.Me: Looks like a trap.You: Nonsense.
--Several years and one vacuum clear later--

You: Your idea of romance is a new vacuum cleaner.
Me: Doh.
In fairness, it is an excellent vacuum cleaner, aside from the speed and ease with which its contents can be emptied onto the floor by Miss Bear, for which it can hardly be faulted. 

MF Author Seeks CP...

The saddest part about being an author is only being able to spend approximately 10% of my writing time doing what I love best--writing. I'm talking about those blissful hours spent with your first draft, lovingly translating the scenes playing out in your head into words.

Family life, promotion time, social networking all suck up valuable time, but the saddest facet of being an author is that the other 90% of writing time is essentially spent rewriting. 

Now some authors like to labor through that first draft alone with only a cat, a cup of coffee and the sound of keyboard clatter for company. Others turn it into a social event, sharing each chapter or even each scene with their colleagues.

Through the process of editing, one factor is nearly universal--the need for a good Critique Partner. Or at the very least, a competent beta reader. The rare author might have a spouse or a significant other who can fulfill this role, but many--like me--are met with frustration.

Oh, my husband may occasionally try to fill in the gap, but his definition of romance are a dozen roses on our anniversary and a Dyson vacuum on my birthday. He gets points for trying. He takes me out to dinner and listens to my publishing plans. He lies awake in bed while I ramble, eyelids propped open with toothpicks and a snore on his lips. But his preferred reading material consists of political blogs, and he speaks C++ and math more fluently than English.

Some authors are lucky enough to be in a monogamous relationship with a fellow writer, a supportive partner who laughs at your jokes, props up your flagging spirit, administers back pats, praise, hugs and hot chocolate. Those of you who are should take this moment to appreciate your CP! Say thanks, take her for coffee, give her a little gift. You have no idea how lucky you are!

Other authors have spent their existence bouncing through a series of short-term relationships, never really hooking up with that one true soul mate. Such relationships might last for a day or a week, a few months if one is fortunate. Most are are active swingers, swapping partners based on the genre or simply the availability of prospective CPs. Many romance authors engage exclusively in same sex relationships because A) there are so few male authors, and B) what do men really know about romance anyway?

There should be an online hookup site for authors seeking CPs. I envision a profile looking something like this:





Married Female Author Seeks Critique Partner to exchange chapters of 3,000 words once per week.
Preferred Genre: Romantic Suspense
Heat Levels: Sweet to Spicy
No Nos: Fine with most anything except M/M and bizarre foot fetishes.
Excerpt: My heroine loves shoes, yachting, and strong, sexy men. She has daddy issues. My hero is a cynical solider-of-fortune who doesn't believe in love and spends much of his time out of the country, rendering a stable relationship impossible. He is emotionally unavailable.
Apply at email address listed below.

Review of "Be Still My Lover's Heart" by Lisa Hannah Wells

Long after earth has ended, Lisa Hannah Wells weaves a tale of romance and adventure among the stars of a distant galaxy. Science fiction has always been my favorite genre, and sci-fi romances continue to remain a rarity, so it was a pleasure to read "Be Still My Lover's Heart". The plot moved along at a good clip, never sacrificing action for romance, or vice versa.
Heroine Shea is a Lieutenant in a government run space military force and has been assigned to duty on a small space station. It is such a refreshing change of pace to encounter a female protagonist who is a member of a military organization. Shea has encountered suffering in her life, including the death of her husband. Worse, she has contracted a fatal sickness called Errolian’s Disease.
Tempest is a long-lived alien, a member of a race who inspired earth's vampire myths. He is strong and artistic, but deeply lonely. He has spent most of his life seeking his bondmate, a spiritual and physical companion who would complete him. Tempest is also no stranger to hardship. As a youth, he witnessed the near extinction of his peace-loving race at the hands of the malevolent Brashlettass.
Wells uses exciting prose to immerse the reader in the story and keeps things moving throughout with fast-paced conflict and sizzling sex scenes. The universe is complex and well thought out.  Chapters are short, which moves things right along, but occasionally, I got hung up on the terminology—there is an entire two page lexicon at the end of the novel. Early on, I wanted to see more tension between the hero and heroine, but both characters are engaging and together they make for an absorbing read.
"Be Still My Lover's Heart" is a wonderful story for fans of both science fiction and romance, and is well worth the reader's investment.
Buy Links:Amazon Paperback  
Amazon ebook
Barnes & Nobles ebook