Melissa Snark's Blog: The Snarkology, page 116

When You're Bad Part II

In When You're Bad, I talked about Miss Bear's penchant for amusing herself by placing things on her father's head. She then runs away giggling and returns to harass him again once he removes the object.  

This weekend, the new "hat" of the day became Miss Bear's bucket.

The conversation goes something like this:

Miss Bear: "Hat!"
Mr. Snark: "Miss Bear, the bucket is not a hat!"
Miss Bear: Giggling  "Hat!"  Shrieking
Mr. Snark: "No! Not a hat!"
 



Mr. Snark and his "hat"


Miss Bear wears the hat also

HO...With an "E"

Mr. Snark walked into the office and asked, "Have you ever had a hoe just stop working?"


Mind you, I heard "HO" because the "e" is silent and the man provided no context at all. Now, bear in mind that Mr. and Mrs. Snark play a video game called Minecraft. In the game, everything is constructed out of cubes. Using basic materials, you can build a variety of tools: pickaxes, hand axes, shovels. 

Hoes...

I looked over and stared at Mr. Snark, thinking: Is this guy for real?

There are times when Mr. Snark walks right into it. The man takes himself so seriously that he passes out carte blanche openings.

"No, I've never been a pimp, so I have no experience with hos going on strike."

Straight-faced, Mr. Snark said, "My hoe just stopped working. I can't till dirt with it so I can't plant seeds."

I got up and went into the family room and picked up the controller. The game came up so I grabbed the hoe and tilled some dirt. "It's working for me."

I planted a row of wheat. "Allow me to demonstrate.  See, it's really not that hard."

Indignant, Mr. Snark grabbed for his controller. "Give me that!"

Hunger Moon Promotion

I'm currently running a promotion through my blog to celebrate the release of my new paranormal Norse Werewolves Urban Fantasy Series.

Leave me a short review for the novel Hunger Moon, and I'll send you a complimentary wolf-themed bookmark and a free PDF copy of The Child Thief.




Reviews can be left anywhere: Facebook, Amazon, Goodreads, B&N, Smashwords, personal websites and blogs, even Twitter.  Simply post the review and then bring it to my attention at:  

Melissasnark at gmail dot com
I'll need an email address to send you the story and a mailing address to send the bookmark.


Viking Werewolves Urban Fantasy Series


The Child Thief - novella - 1st story in my Norse Werewolves series

Blurb: 
"Help me! Please. The child thief has stolen my son."

Valkyrie Victoria Storm has werewolf hunters hell bent on revenge trying to kill her. She can barely keep her own downtrodden pack alive, let alone respond to the pleas of a murdered mother.
Can she set aside her differences and work with her sworn enemy to save a little boy from a Christmas nightmare?





Hunger Moon - novel - 2nd story in my Norse Werewolves series

Blurb:
Valkyrie Victoria Storm desires nothing more than to provide her wolf pack with a safe haven, but her position as priestess to the Goddess Freya also brings with it certain… obligations. Not to mention complications.

War with the Barrett family resulted in the deaths of her parents and most of her pack. Now, hunters are hot on the trail of the remaining pack members. Sawyer Barrett, a human hunter hell bent on revenge, is convinced that Victoria murdered his brother. He will stop at nothing to see her dead.

Victoria must defend the survivors and somehow lead them to safety. Months on the run has weakened the pack, and there are newborn pups to protect, making swift travel impossible. Ahead, the promise of refuge beckons.

Their best chance for survival lies in Sierra Pines, California: Arik Koenig, a powerful, dominant male wolf. He promises to protect and provide for the pack, something Victoria knows the pack needs for survival. His mysterious past is riddled with violence and death, including the slaughter of his entire family twenty years before. His wife died under mysterious circumstances and his son, Logan, is rumored to be her killer.

What is truth? Who can she trust? The desperate spirit of Arik’s murdered wife calls out for help, and Logan begs for assistance in clearing his name. Victoria must solve a murder that has pitted father against son, rooted in a mystery reaching back two decades. Her quest starts her on a journey from the human world to Odin’s Valhalla and back again.

Victoria will find salvation or face destruction beneath the Hunger Moon…

Buy here:
Amazon Kindle
Barnes & Noble
Smashwords

Paranormal New Release: Hunger Moon by Melissa Snark

Hunger Moon is now available on Amazon, and Smashwords. I'm waiting for Barnes & Noble to finish processing the file. This is my second official work as an Indie author, but it's the first novel. I've poured my heart and soul into this story for the last three years, so forgive me for gushing. :)
I spent over a solid week wrestling with the various requirements and vagrancy of three different publishing platforms. Amazon's Kindle was the most familiar and also the easiest. Smashwords proved to be relatively simple also. After a few hours, I managed to format and upload my document, and had gained approval for their premium catalog within an hour or so. Nit-picky B&N required me to remove every page break and replace them with section breaks. *Grumbles*
Hunger Moon is different from my romance novels in the sense that the focus of the story is on the heroine's journey instead of the romantic relationships. It's a series and it will be many more novels before the story is through.
Naming my series was tough. Ultimately, I called it "Norse Werewolves Urban Fantasy" for lack of more creative inspiration. Original, eh?  The story title "hunger moon" was easier and comes from a Native America term for the month of February.
Victoria Storm is a Valkyrie, a priestess of Freya, a nurse and also the Alpha wolf of her werewolf pack. When I created Victoria, I wanted to explore new territory and it seems like Alpha female leaders are a possibility that hasn't been widely covered.
Creating a complicated character with goals and motivations led to a number of interesting developments. My heroine is nurturing and emotionally aware. In combat, she kicks ass and takes names, but she isn't more macho than the guys she stands toe-to-toe with. Victoria is short—less than five feet—and she knows she's short. She's got something of a Napoleon complex about it and nothing pisses her off faster than being teased about her height. She also carries a great burden of guilt due to tragic events in her past, and while she longs for freedom, the burden of duty weighs her down.
My werewolves are all descended from the great Norse wolf, Fenris, who is a child of the god, Loki. Eight hundred years ago, the wolves were driven out of the Norselands and came to North America. As a result, they have strong ties with Native American culture and heritage. The story is also set in the modern era, so I couldn't cling to too many vestiges of an ancient way of life.
One thing that really stuck, though, was the Viking warrior culture. I kept the old Norse gods, so their interest in achieving a glorious and honorable death in battle—in order to be able to enter their version of paradise—really became a dominant theme in my stories. Living to die well, if you will. Or as Klingons would say: It's a good day to die.*
*And Crazy Horse before Worf.
When honor is important, saving face becomes imperative. Victoria attempts to maintain her bravado throughout the story, and it leads to some dramatic, and some funny, moments. The following excerpt is an example:
Victoria felt him before she saw him. His power washed over her with the force of an incoming tide, as dark, mysterious and unstoppable as the ocean. Her wolf rose to answer his in instinctive response, defiant and determined. She challenged his power and altered the irresistible flow so it passed around rather than over her. Before she reached the office entrance, the male werewolf responded to her presence and surged to his feet. He rounded the desk, demonstrating extraordinary grace and strength, and she braced for a physical confrontation. He dwarfed her in both height and weight.
As soon as their gazes met, they locked in a dominance contest. His narrowed eyes pierced hers; the light-pigmented brown irises were the color of honey and eclipsed the whites and round black pupils. Wolf eyes.
Victoria did not approach with her head low or avert her gaze. Instead, she challenged him outright, radiating defiance, posture stiff and erect. While they faced off, she regretted the tactical error, but it was too late to rescind. Her stubborn pride permitted no retreat, and it went against her nature to submit.
"Let's take this outside where there are no humans to bear witness," he said in a deep, resonant voice she found appealing.
Aroused, her wolf took an immediate interest in him as a fine, fit male animal. For the first time, Victoria noticed his physical appearance, and her wolf found him more than acceptable. She estimated his age as being in his late thirties. He in no way suffered for the smattering of silver hairs that peppered his dark head. He was a perfect specimen of a man.
Distracted, Victoria broke eye contact, but not to submit. She ran her gaze over his body with blatant approval, lingering on his broad shoulders and chest, muscular arms and legs. He wore a tailored navy suit with a light shirt and dark blue tie. From the way his clothing fit, there was not an ounce of spare fat anywhere on him.
His features possessed splendid symmetry, though a silver scar on his right cheek marred his perfection. The shape of his brow, nose, and lower face hinted at a distant Roman heritage. High cheekbones alluded to his Nordic blood. He cleared his throat, and Victoria scented both his arousal and amusement.
"Did you come to challenge me, or do you have something else in mind?"
His devilish smile hinted at a sense of humor, and Victoria seized on the opening. A ballsy gamble carried inherent risk, but her initial inept blundering had left her with no other graceful out. Her eyes rose to meet his once again.
"I am Victoria, daughter of Adair and Katherine, High Priestess of Freya, Lady Valkyrie, shaman, and healer," she said, making her boast. "I am also the Alpha of my pack, and I am seeking a mate. I have come to assess whether you would make an acceptable suitor."
"You're kidding." He registered surprise and disbelief.
Victoria arched her brow. "I am not."
Hunger Moon is available at the following locations:Amazon KindleSmashwordsBarnes & Noble
To celebrate the release, I'm offering the following promo. Anyone who purchases a copy of Hunger Moon and leaves me an honest review somewhere, anywhere (Amazon, B&N, Goodreads, your personal blog, etc.), I'll email you a complimentary PDF version of The Child Thief and mail you a wolf themed bookmark.  I'll need an email address for the PDF and a mailing address for the bookmark. 
Contact me at melissasnark at gmail dot com.

Sky Dada

Miss Bear loves balloons. She loves balloons so much that whenever she sees one, her eyes light up and she declares, "Ba-woon!"

Mr. and Mrs. Snark buy her Mylar balloons because the latex ones blow up in Miss Bear's little face when she runs to hug them.

Miss Bear also loves Dora the Explorer.

Mr. Snark brought Miss Bear a Dora the Explorer Mylar balloon for her third birthday this week. Miss Bear attached the clip to her PJ shoulder and danced for joy, chanting, "Ba-woon!"

The next afternoon, Miss Bear came to her mother carrying a clip attached to a piece of ribbon. "Oh, oh!" she said. "Wook! Wook!"

Miss Bear grabbed Mrs. Snark's hand and led her mother into the family room. She pointed up. "Ba-woon up high!"

Mrs. Snark looked up and saw the Mylar balloon on the vaulted ceiling of the family room. 

"Ba-woon up high!" Miss Bear gestured, indicating that mom should get it down.

"I'm sorry, Miss Bear. It's too high," Mrs. Snark said. "Mama's not that tall."

Miss Bear frowned and then said, "Dada up high."

"I'm sorry, Miss Bear, but Dada isn't twenty feet tall," Mrs. Snark said.

Miss Bear waited until Mr. Snark arrived home from work anyway.  "Dada, wook!" She grabbed her father's hand and escorted him to the family room. "Ba-woon up high!"

"I'm sorry Miss Bear, but it's too high," Mr. Snark said.

Miss Bear frowned, clearly not understanding that her daddy isn't twenty feet tall.

I can only imagine the disappointment of being three and discovering that your parents can't touch the sky...

Book Review: Once Upon a Zombie Apocalypse by Jennifer Malone Wright

Blurb:
Chemical Warfare has turned most of the world’s population into flesh eating Zombies. These are the accounts of two survivors.

Kylee and Jade are on their way from one author convention to another. After saying goodbye to all their friends, they never dreamed the plane would land with them fighting for their lives.

Jade Warwick has been preparing for the end of the world for years, but she never thought the world would end with zombies. The only thing salvaging her almost lost sanity is the fact that she is with her best friend, Kylee.

With their first mission being to find their families, will the girls manage to save their families while trying to save each other?

Once Upon A Zombie Apocalypse or (OUAZA) as the fans call it, is a short story episodic saga written by K.B. Miller and Jennifer Malone Wright. The first episode is from both Jade and Kylee's perspective and is two separate novella's. The same story, but from two different characters. It is done this way with the first episode only, so that you can meet our girls and really get to know and love them like we do.

Review:
I had the pleasure of reading Once Upon a Zombie Apocalypse (OUAZA from this point forward) as a beta reader just prior to its release. The story begins in an airport with authors Kylee and Jade traveling home following a convention.  Things start out a tad slow (for this genre anyway) but swiftly pick up steam as the zombie apocalypse strikes while our intrepid heroines are trapped on board an flight full of brave flight attendants and first-stage zombies. The scenario and horror factor were reminiscent of Snakes on a Plane but without quite as much cheese. (If SoaP is Velveeta, then OUAZA is at least nice sharp cheddar.)

Jennifer Malone Wright is the indie author of popular series, The Vampire Hunter's Daughter, and so she knows how to weave a great tale full of action and suspense.  Her portrayal of Jade Warwick is in the first-person perspective, handled right so the reader can enjoy the story without the jarring mishaps of so many authors who attempt and fail with this difficult point of view.
Now, I'm a huge zombie fan and I have been since Romero trotted out his original Night of the Living Dead, which I watched faithfully as a kid, every Halloween. My knowledge of the restless dead is fairly comprehensive, spanning Serpent and the Rainbow, Night of the Comet, 30 Days After (and sequel), Zombieland, Resident Evil (et al), and, of course, The Walking Dead.
Am I a zombie expert? No.  But a zombie enthusiastic? Yes, definitely.
Wright hits the right notes for a successful zombie series, bringing credible action sequences and plenty of gore to the table. Her descriptions of carnage were not over the top disgusting, but her series does carry a stern warning that it is intended for than over eighteen-years-old audience. The fight scenes are good—detailed and well executed.
OUZAZ is likewise really well edited with lots of attention given to good grammar and story flow. The story has the sort of professionalism you expect to see from traditional publishing, not always present in Indie works. Overall, the story tone struck me as younger than the apparent age of the protagonists, by perhaps as much as ten years. The language use was hip and modern.
In terms of characterization, I really liked Jade. She was an empathetic character, very likeable, who was easy to relate to while still retaining the whimsical nature of zombie fiction.  Wright is by no means unaware of the humor of the genre, and incorporates funny moments seamlessly into the story. As it happened, I found the character of Kylee, Jade's companion, to be an irritant; however, the character did bring a lot to the table as an effective foil for the more serious Jade. Supporting character Cheryl, an orphaned teenager, appealed to me much more. She shared an interesting dynamic with Jade that seemed to have a great deal of potential. I'm curious to see whether the two develop a mother/daughter dynamic as the story progresses and I'd love to see a story part from Cheryl's POV.
If you enjoy fast-paced zombie tales, then this is a five star read all the way! Future episodes will definitely be on my To-Read list.

Hot Man is Grumpy

For the last few days, California has been experiencing unseasonably high temperatures reaching into the 80(F)s. Combined with April pollen counts, it makes for an unpleasant environment.

Now, Mrs. Snark lived in Arizona for over a decade, so she acclimates to the heat fairly well. Mr. Snark, on the other hand, overheats any time the temperature peaks above 70 degrees Fahrenheit. The man has one of the least efficient cooling systems ever designed. He's like an old Jag with a leaky radiator. The slightest amount of physical effort in warm weather results in beads of perspiration gathering on his forehead. He huffs. He puffs.

His mood blows.

He gets epic grumpy and externalizes his aggression.

So last night, the house was hot.
Mr. Snark washed a pot.
Mrs. Snark sidled alongside her husband. "Want to watch Vikings?"
"No!" He fumed. "I don't."
"Why not?"
"BECAUSE, I'm not in the mood."
"What's wrong?" Mrs. Snark asked.

"I'm hot, so I'm determined to take out my bad mood on everyone around me. After I finish this pot, I will rip the wings off a butterfly, stomp on daisies, and take candy away from Miss Bear so she boo-hoos."*

*Not an exact quote, but I've captured the spirit of the matter. 

"Why don't you clench an ice cube between your butt cheeks until it melts?" Mrs. Snark asked. "Maybe then you'll be less of an ass."

Author Spotlight: Jennifer Malone Wright

Hi Jennifer, please tell us about yourself and your writing.

My name is Jennifer Malone Wright and I am a mother of five, military wife, and author. I live in the beautiful mountains of northern Idaho and its great in the summer but a snow bound hell in the winter. J

What does your writing space look like? 

I have an office, but I never use it, it is full of boxes and junk. I usually have to write in the living room with a notebook or at the kitchen table with my laptop. My house is always a mess because  of my kiddos, but I like my immediate surrounding area to at least look clean. lol

Do you have a process for coming up with character names and book titles?

I am very particular about names. I want them to mean something. Not so much with titles, but character names are very important to me. For example, Chloe (in The Vampire Hunter’s Daughter) is descended from vampire hunters and her last name is Greek, Kallistrate. The hunters are descended from Greek Gods and I wanted to have the family line have names that meant something. Kallistrate means “Beautiful Army”  in ancient Greek. Honestly, I can’t remember if it is that one or “Safe Army,” But Sostrate, Chloe’s demi-god descendent, has one of those meanings. So, either or, they are both good meanings for hunters. Chloe, is actually a Greek name as well that means “green shoot.”

In Once Upon A Zombie Apocalypse, we did chose the title very carefully. The names are chosen with a J and a K for the first letters because the characters are loosely based off ourselves. We wanted to give the little girl, Cheri, a rare name as well and she is named Cherimoya which is an exotic fruit. 

Tell us about your current book. What is it about? What inspired it?

Once Upon A Zombie Apocalypse is my most current release and it is for mature audiences due to language and violence. It is written by both myself and author K.B. Miller. Here is our description.

Once Upon A Zombie Apocalypse or (OUAZA) as the fans call it, is a short story episodic saga written by K.B. Miller and Jennifer Malone Wright. The first episode is from both Jade and Kylee's perspective and is two separate novella's. The same story, but from two different characters. It is done this way with the first episode only, so that you can meet our girls and really get to know and love them like we do.

Each following episode will be written solely by one of the authors and available through their links.

Novella 1. KB. Miller and Jennifer Malone Wright
Novella 2. Jennifer Malone Wright
Novella 3. K.B. Miller
Novella 4. Jennifer Malone Wright
Novella 5. K.B Miller
and so on...

Once Upon A Zombie Apocalypse came about after many discussions on how they would survive the zombie apocalypse. Their survival strategies were so different from each other on some accounts; they decided it would be fun to see the two differences trying to survive together. K.B. and Jennifer met as mere acquaintances and have now formed a life-long friendship.



OUAZA-Jade
Amazon Kindle ebook
Smashwords ebook
B&N ebook
Apple ebook

OUAZA-Kylee
Amazon Kindle ebook
Smashwords ebook


Quick quiz:

Favorite food? Bread
Favorite color? Purple
Favorite animal? Fish
Biggest pet peeve? I have a lot of pet peeves. Probably drama queens would be way up there on my list.
Name one person, living or dead, you'd most like to meet.
Oh, so many to choose from. I’m going to go with Stephen King or Anne Rice because it would be awesome to sit around and chat with them about books and writing.

Where to find Jennifer on the web:
Author web links:
Website  Facebook   Twitter 
Goodreads   Amazon Author Page

Cat Physics 599 Graduate Seminar

My lovely and talented wife has posited The Law of Open Portals:

"When presented with any kind of open doorway or window, cats will be irresistibly drawn through the portal whether the feline wishes to go or not. This force does not appear to affect either people or objects, only cats."

Duty Calls by xkcd        Now this proposition is clearly false. It is false because there are experiments that contradict it. A sample:
A cat sitting outside a door, apparently waiting anxiously to enter, will in fact stare, nonplussed, into the open portal, feeling no force at all. Dogs. They are neither people nor mere objects, but somewhere in between. Nonetheless, dogs only see one direction for any given door: they are drawn to the side they are not supposed to be on. My three year old daughter, who is a person, and who often pretends to be a dog, exhibits the same behavior. Does this mean something?If true, this proposition would imply that cats oscillate across the threshold of an open door.  Whenever they crossed they would be pulled back. Ok, that happens; but it doesn’t ALWAYS happen. 
Point is, the world is complicated. Which is why pretty much every graduate program has at least one first year course that might have been named “Awful Truths about the World”, had the University been inclined to honesty. Christopher Columbus, genocidal super-villain: graduate topic. Calculus of Variations: graduate topic. You get the idea.

Another of these terrible truths is Murphy’s First Law of Biology.

"Under any given set of environmental conditions an experimental animal behaves as it damn well pleases."

And so it is with cats. It’s just that sometimes, perhaps often, what pleases the cat is messing with your head. So when they dash through that door, it isn’t that they want to be on the other side, per se. It’s that they want to bask in the sweet glow of your consternation, and being on the wrong side of that door is a means to that end. Miss Bear is similarly motivated. In the physics biz, we call this Grand Unification.

The Elephant Ride

Miss Bear turned three this week, so we took her to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom, formerly Marine World, for her birthday.  Miss Bear likes elephants quite a bit. When demonstrating an elephant call, Miss Bear holds her arm to her nose and makes a trumpeting sound while waving her "trunk" in the air.

The park had an elephant attraction, so Mr. and Mrs. Snark forked over the money necessary to rent three minutes of ride time on a lovely lady named Kitty. (And then more for the overpriced photos.)


Miss Bear & her brother on Kitty

Standing outside the attraction's fence, Mrs. Snark anxiously watched the pachyderm walk off with two of her three children. 

"Wait!" she exclaimed. "Is anyone leading that elephant?"

"There's a guy on the other side of her. You just can't see him from here," Mr. Snark said.

"Whew, can you just imagine?"

"Our child taking off with an elephant?" Mr. Snark asked. "Yes, yes, I can."