Edward Lorn's Blog, page 70

Evans Light is a Good Dude. #bookporn

Evans Light surprised me with a gift in the post. I’ve been hunting these two forever. Thanks, Evans. My Cantrell collection is complete, and my Simmons collection is ever growing. 

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1180447/evans-light-is-a-good-dude-bookporn

Confessions of a Hack #6

In this episode of Confessions of a Hack, we travel back to Episode One.

 

Yesterday, I used “conscious” instead of “conscience” in my review of Finders Keepers. Being a writer, this is embarrassing, sure, but my fragile feelings don’t concern me as much as the fact that I can’t seem to break this stupid habit. I know the difference between the words, but I keep making the same mistake. I know, I know, that’s what editors are for, but I don’t pay people to edit my reviews and blog posts. You know how much I post. I’d be broke in two days. Besides, editing is for content I intend to sell because I want you to have the best possible experience. These posts are just me running my mouth.

 

Anyfloop, I read that review five times. One of those times was out loud (it’s an old self-editing trick; it works–most of the time–because you actually read what you wrote and not what you think you wrote), but what does that matter when my brain sees “conscious” as “conscience”? Today, I was far enough removed from the review to be able to catch it upon another reread, but that doesn’t change that hundreds of people saw it. 

 

I suppose I’m going to have to stop posting reviews the same day I write them. That, or stop using “conscious” and “conscience” in any context.

 

So, tell me, do you have any words you constantly swap out for other words? Doesn’t matter if English is your first language or not, you’ll be safe in the comments below. No one will judge you. If they do, I’ll kill their comment with fire. 

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1180347/confessions-of-a-hack-6

Finders Keepers Review

Review:

Before we begin, I feel I need to state a few things. Over the course of the next few months you will see reviews from people who thought this book was “just okay”. You will see reviews from people who are only reading it so that they will be able to hate-review it and they want a clean conscious, so they will finish it even though the experience will be on par with stomach swelling and labor pains when not pregnant. Then you will read fan reviews wherein this is touted as the mostest bestest thing since Adam and Eve finally realized what that swelling between Adam’s legs was good for. Every one of those reviews will be correct. From the one-star to the five-but-wish-they-could-give-it-a-million-stars reviews. Because they will be those people’s subjective opinions. Let’s all try and respect each other, because the last time, when I reviewed Mr. Mercedes, motherfuckers went crazy trying to tell me how wrong I was to give it five stars. I gave it five stars because I fucking loved that book. (Read my review for why.) Do I care if you thought it was tedious or cliched or predictable? Probably not. It’s your party and you can cry if you want to. I had fun. Fucking sue me. If you want to have a respectable discussion about this book’s flaws, by all means, let’s do that, but don’t come into my house and bitch about the carpet. Motherfucker, it’s my carpet. You don’t have to walk on it.

Now comes the subjective opinion. Are we cool? Good. Let’s do this.

Underneath the thriller plot, Finders Keepers is a nod to book lovers. King delves into his own history to create John Rothstein, right down to the moleskin ledgers King wrote in after his accident in 1999. Dreamcatcher was written entirely by longhand in such ledgers because it hurt King too badly to sit at his desk and type. There are other parallels between King and Rothstein, such as, King has said in interviews that he can see himself retiring from the public eye and no longer publishing books and stories, but goes on to say that he will never stop writing. I’m afraid that King is also giving us a hint with his own trilogy. Be prepared, folks. Just like the make-believe John Rothstein dropped out of the public eye after the Jimmy Gold trilogy, we might see King simply take a bow and step off stage. “Been fun, Constant Reader, now kindly take a long fuck off a short pier.” I wouldn’t put it past Uncle Stevie. He’s been playing this game for over four decades. The only hope I hold out is that King and Straub have promised a third Jack Sawyer novel, so we still have that to look forward to after the conclusion of this series. Just theories, folks. I’m a nerd, it’s what I do.

Now, about the book. Finders Keepers is a mixed bag of awesome and awful. You will encounter everything you love and everything you hate about Stephen King. If you’re looking for horror, there are several scenes that will jiggle and arouse your tender bits. These scenes are at times subtle and creepy, and at other times bloody and brutal. If you want character development, Pete and Morris will wet your whistle, but the rest of the gang is as static as cryogenically-frozen concrete statues. Bill, Holly, and Jerome play their roles, and that’s it. Holly is still my fave of the bunch, but only because I’m a bit OCD. (Have you seen my book collection?)

Most thrillers mix character building, the setting up of plot, and action in equal amounts. King didn’t get this memo. The book starts with character development on par with some of King’s best work, then devolves into tedious plot setup with little to no action. You can feel King trying to make the shit in the middle interesting, but there’s not much going on. He has to get certain characters into the path of other characters and, honestly, it’s just fucking boring to read about. The same set-up occurs in Mr. Mercedes, down to the car ride to the showdown.

But, despite the heavy, languid middle, the book does pick up speed again, and ends quite satisfactorily for my tastes. Plenty of “Oh shit!” and “Holy fuck!” moments for me.

If you’re an audiobook fan, you should know that WIll Patton is as terrific as always. I hopped back and forth between ebook and audio, but I think I prefered the audio to the text. Something about Patton, man. He just does it for me. Love how he reads Holly.

One final note: Does anyone else not give a single fuck about Hodges? Like, I actually started disliking the book when he was reintroduced, and I can’t think of one of his chapters that I actually liked. I thought Pete was awesome and Morris was disturbing and Holly was epic, but Hodges… Man, I don’t give a squirt of piss for him and I hope he dies in the final book. Let that pacemaker give out. Whatever. The worst part is, friends and neighbors, I have no idea why I feel this way. I simply do not like the guy.

In summation: I give the book five stars for the first 35%, three stars for the middle 30%, and four stars for the race to the finish. Overall, four stars. I didn’t enjoy it as much as Mr Mercedes, and I do not believe the ending ratcheted up the stakes far enough.

Final Judgment: Better than a hatchet to the ass and worse than a trunk fulla booty.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1180007/finders-keepers-review

Writing Longhand

For the first time since I was a kid, I wrote a short story longhand. It was oddly liberating not having a word count at the bottom of a screen. I filled nine pages before I stopped for the night. Here’s an excerpt from “The Man in the Tree”.

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1179370/writing-longhand

Blackmail and the Future

Edited to add: This has escalated once again and is now a legal matter. My personal information was made public. I will not stand for this.

Hey everybody. E. here. I have waited as long as I possibly can to post this, and I feel that I’ve finally ran out of options. Before I begin, I would like to warn everybody reading this about the people they “friend” online. I have made numerous real friends in this virtual environment, but I’ve also met my fair share of fake individuals. I’m not talking about people who choose to use pseudonyms or remain anonymous online, but people that put themselves close to you in an attempt to gain something for nothing; be it books, social connections, or insider information.

Recently I made friends with someone who I believed could be trusted. I gave out certain information that I should have kept secret because they had helped me financially with preparing and ordering one of my books. I ran ino a snag with the Bay’s End hardcover and spent all my profits and then some on proofs trying to make a product that I could be proud of shipping out. Each proof cost me around $27.00 and I order a total of nine of them. All I had left was the money to order the actual books and to ship them to customers. This is my fault because I didn’t know what I was getting into with these signed limited editions. Everything looked good on the computer screen, but when I ordered proof after proof they all looked like crap. In the end, I figured out this was because of DPI (dots per inch) and I had my photoshop file set too low, at 70 instead of 300. All issues have since been fixed and I am now happy with the final product. Now, I have saved chat threads wherein I tried to talk this person out of helping because I would have money later in the month when Amazon and my publisher paid me, but they insisted. I have saved chat threads wherein they say this money was intended as a gift because they “want to see this happen!” and that I did not need to pay them back. This amounted to less than $30, so I finally said yes, since it was so little money and this person seemed to honestly want to help see the project to completion. In truth, they only wanted their copy quicker. I’m only telling you all this because I assume this will be used against me, too. If you want to know why I needed help and why the books have been delayed so long, there you have it.

Fast forward to last month and a misunderstanding wherein I made an ass out of myself. I didn’t realize this person was waiting on something from me, so I directed them toward the person I thought they were waiting on. They proceeded to tell that person I owed them something, something I did indeed owe them and I admit that, and I got upset because I thought they were going behind my back to demand of our mutual friend something that I, myself, owed them. I was in fault here. It was all my fault. I should have responded better. I apologized. I took responsibility for upsetting this person then and I take the responsibility for upsetting them now. I honestly feel bad for becoming upset with them over a misunderstanding, but this person felt that out friendship could not be salvaged. I finally agreed. This person cut ties with me, ending our friendship.

Now the problem is this: After our friendship ended, I still owed them books. One copy of a book they purchased, and a copy of a book that I traded them for another book. This person contacted me and asked that I do not personalize their books because they planned to resell them. Understood. To square up with this person and, I admit, get them out of my life quicker, I sent them my own personal collection. One of the books wasn’t even supposed to come out until two days ago, but they got their copy weeks in advance, all because I wanted to make them happy so they’d go away. These books were numbered, but not signed. I don’t sign books I intend to keep in my personal library. Because this person asked me not to personalize the books, I foolishly didn’t bother opening them before I packed them and sent them off. Now this person is upset that I sent them unsigned books. They first emailed me asking for a refund on the book they purchased. Before I could respond (I was in the hospital with my first migraine), they sent a second email stating they wanted to be compensated for the book they traded me, even though the book I sent them, even unsigned, cost as much as the book they traded me. But of course, since they’re pissed at me, the book is worthless to them. When I still did not answer them (I was still in the hospital and have records to prove this), they demanded the money they gifted me to help push the project forward. A day later, the day I left the hospital, I came home to find all the aforementioned emails, as well as an email threatening me with an attempt to defame me by spreading pictures of the unsigned books if I didn’t comply with their demands. They wanted the money they were owed and more. I have proof of this in their series of ever-escalating emails. Unfortunately, I don’t have all the money they want. I am not rich. My family is comfortable because of the money I make from my writing, but I am not wealthy. Most of my book collection is purchased with credit, which I then pay back slowly, just like some of you reading this. I will have to pay them in installments. I don’t think this will make them happy, so I’m taking precautions.

Anyway, I’m complying with their demands to a point. Of course I am. I have a family to support, and I cannot take the risk of my income being put in jeopardy because someone is greedy. But I do not trust this person anymore, so I am making everyone aware of the situation. I also do not plan to pay them any more than they are owed, so they will more than likely post all my business all over creation. That’s why you’re reading this. I’d rather you hear certain things from me.

This person knows my real name and I suspect they are unstable enough to try and use that information to their advantage. So I am telling you all now… No, my real name is not Edward Lorn. My middle name is Edward and Lorn is a pen name. People do actually call me E. in everyday life. They have since grade school. I am and always will be the person you have come to know. I’m not faking anything but a name. I do have a wife and two children, and my personality is everything it seems to be. If this new information upsets you, I cannot help that. But now you know why I’ve always fought so hard to protect anonymity for reviewers and authors alike. I will not divulge my real name. I’ll let my blackmailer draw that card.

I have not mentioned names because I don’t have to. I have everything I need saved and filed with my lawyer. Because this person threatened my livelihood, which is worth far more than the $70 they are owed, they are guilty of blackmail due to demanding monetary compensation in return for their silence. This is the one and only time I am defending myself online. Any further defense will be in a court of law. I only ask that they do not go through with their blackmailing plans. If they do, I will seek help from the authorities. This person will get what they are owed (possibly over the course of the next two months, because I have book orders to fill) and nothing more.

To those of you waiting on signed limited editions of my books, they will all be going out between the 21st and the 30th of this month, June. If you would like proof of order, email me at edwardlorn@gmail.com and I will send you that information privately. After that, I do not plan to do anymore limited editions of my work. Sorry for any and all delays attributed to this situation and/or my being an idiot.

E.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1179352/blackmail-and-the-future

Reading progress update: I’ve read 42%.

That’s a shame. Ever since a certain character’s been reintroduced, my enjoyment level has gone way down. Kinda just cruisin’ and hopin’ for better at the moment.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1179012/reading-progress-update-i-ve-read-42

Book Porn #10

Damn but they look good together. These are some of King’s nicest covers. I can’t wait to see what the final book looks like next year.

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1178984/book-porn-10

Reading progress update: I’ve read 29%.

It’s not often I read a book where everything I could say about it would be a major spoiler.

Sorry, guys, I got nothing. This is unlike anything else King has written, even Mr. Mercedes. That’s going to turn a lot of people off, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. In fact, I’m rather impressed that this man is still willing to reinvent himself at 67.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1178885/reading-progress-update-i-ve-read-29

The Silent Land Review

Review:

The Silent Land is my first experience with Graham Joyce. Gregor Xane told me to read this book with my face, so when I found it at my local UBS, I snatched it up with extreme prejudice. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? Oh well…

First and foremost, I must comment on how gorgeous the American first edition of this book is. The dust jacket seems to be made out of a durable tissue paper. Look at the cover and imagine that the black letters are written on the book and the gray letters are on the tissue-paper dust jacket. It makes for a fine presentation, and is now one of my favorite shelf decorations. Fortunately, the book itself isn’t half-bad. In fact, it’s more than half-good. Let’s talk about it, shall we?

Despite being horribly predictable, The Silent Land is a beautifully-written novel, even if it is a little simplistic in the realm of prose. Some of the dialogue is overtly cheesy toward the end (every sentence is an exclamation!), and our main character Zoe is quite swoony throughout the book, but Graham Joyce knows how to tug at the heart strings. He can also be creepy as hell when he wants to be. There was a moment in the book where I thought motherfuckin’ Cthulhu was gonna come down from the mountain and swallow Jake and Zoe and everything in existence whole. The noises and atmosphere and emptiness of the world Joyce creates is fantastic. You will get lost here, I guaran-damn-tee it.

I went into The Silent Land thinking it was about two people stuck in an avalanche. I thought we’d bounce back and forth between these two people as they tried to survive such a disaster. Boy, was I wrong. After the first chapter, the avalanche is in the rearview and the book gets really strange. But strange in a good way. Then, around chapter six, I had a theory. And my theory played out to the letter. So yes, unfortunately The Silent Land is godawful predictable early on, but that doesn’t detract from the feels and the goosebumps Joyce was able to garner from me.

In summation: If you think you’d like a two-hour episode of The Twilight Zone, you should dig The Silent Land. It’s eerie, heartfelt, and written in a simplistic style that should be accessible to everyone.

Final Judgment: Surprisingly warm for a book with so much snow in it.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1177769/the-silent-land-review

The Outsiders Review

Review:

The Outsiders is on my list of 100 Best Films Ever Made. And I hate Tom Cruise. I hate everything about the man. His religion, his face, his hair, the way he plays the same character in every movie (Tropic Thunder excluded, but that character was just as annoying as regular Tom Cruise, so fuck that guy too), but I can stand him as Steve in the film because he’s just kinda… there. I think Matt Dillon and Ralph Macchio steal the show, but that’s just me. Anyfloop, that’s how I feel about the movie.

(For a minute there, I forgot I was reviewing the book…)

I suppose the reason I started a review of this book with a comment on the film is because they are not much different from each other. If you’re pressed for time, the film will do just fine. Of course, if you want more inner thought and motivation, read the book.

Continuing the comparison of film and book (why the fuck not, right?), I believe that the movie handles [Dally’s death (hide spoiler)] better than the book. In the novel, it’s glossed over and damn near cast aside. Considering I loved that character, I gotta put the film above the book. Sorry, purists, but my honest opinion is my honest opinion, and you have every right to be wrong. So be wrong over there.

The audiobook is serviceable but nothing special. I swapped between the text and the audio because the narrator, at times, drove me crazy. Jim Fyfe is all right, I suppose, but his faux-hick accent was quite over the top in places, and I couldn’t stand his performance of Dally. You might not become as annoyed, but I live in Alabama Country and I deal with necks o’ red more than any sane human should. So, if’n you unt to, give this ‘ere audiobook a try, ’cause we all knows ya can’t read words good.

In summation: This is a classic. Read it. 156 pages isn’t going to kill you, even if you have seen the movie. The audiobook can be annoying if you don’t like hillbilly vernacular, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Final Judgment: Johnny’s letter makes me cry.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1177712/the-outsiders-review