Edward Lorn's Blog, page 74

Reading progress update: I’ve read 63%.

Goddamn it. Things were going so well.

 

You know how with every thriller you say to yourself, “Well, it can’t be so and so because that would be too obvious and boring,” and you hope and pray to whatever deity/celebrity you worship that it won’t be that so and so?

 

Well, in this book, it’s that so and so.

 

I was having so much fun! Now I have to pretend to care for the next 37%. FUCK!

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1168527/reading-progress-update-i-ve-read-63

The Violent Bear It Away Review

Review:

Can we chat for a minute, fam? Good. I’ll try and make it quick.

This is my favorite type of book. If stories like this were still popular, this would be the only kind of book I’d write. Strong opener and then loads upon loads of character development and realistic dialogue followed by a Holy-Shit! ending. I love getting to know a character and then witnessing the dismantling of that character. I’m a tinkerer at heart. I like to see the way things work. Show me a character’s very soul, tear it apart, and let me watch them try to put it back together again. I can dig it, man. Books like this are why I became a writer.

If you need a comparison, I can only place Of Mice and Men and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest in the same boat as The Violent Bear It Away. Powerfully bleak stories about folks just trying to get by and trying to stay sane while doing so.

This was my first sample of Flannery O’Connor’s writing and it damn sure won’t be the last.

In summation: Where has this woman’s writing been all my life. I hate that I’m only now finding her work. The Violent Bear It Away has most definitely earned a spot on my Top Twenty list. Now I have to figure out who’s getting bumped so I can make room for it.

Final Judgment: Get down from the cross, we could use the wood; Capital T–Terrific!

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1168198/the-violent-bear-it-away-review

Dreamcatcher Review

Review:

Sigh… You ready? Let’s get this over with.

With Dreamcatcher, Stephen King tried to recapture the magic of It while simultaneously making up for the shithouse rat that was The Tommyknockers. He attempted this feat while recovering from a horrible accident wherein he was turned into a mixture of speed bump and pretzel. Whatever King wrote during this time would have been utter crap, trust me. Pain dulls the creative process. This is why the most prolific creative persons are normally addicts of some kind. It’s hard to access your imagination when parts of you are throbbing like a goddamn strobe light. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and even coffee, are wonderfully liberating. And who of us isn’t hurting in some way?

Should I cut King some slack because of all that? Well, I’ll answer your one-part question with a two-part question. Just because you write something to completion, does that mean it should be published? Does completion alone demand that the world have access to it? Dreamcatcher should have been trunked. I know it. You know it. King knows it.

There are 200 pages of fart jokes. 200 pages. I’m all for vulgar humor, but there’s only so long one person can listen to an Andrew Dice Clay standup special. After so long, it ceases to be funny due to repetition. I get it! Farts are funny. Move on.

I actually don’t mind the shit weasels. They made sense to me. It’s the easiest exit.

[spoiler]

The Beav choosing a toothpick over his safety will always be one of the stupidest character motivations I’ve read. That part pisses me off, especially since Beaver is one of the only likable characters in the book. Which brings me to another reason this book fails so miserably.

[/spoiler]

It worked because you fall in love with those kids and the adults they become. They’re all likable. Flawed, yes, but likable. In Dreamcatcher, Pete is wholly forgettable, Jonesy and Henry are oddly one character split in two. If you happen to reread Dreamcatcher (I don’t recommend it, but if you do…) pay attention to their reactions and thought processes. It’s hard to keep track of on a first read through, but this time around it was glaringly obvious. And yeah, Beaver is cool, but sadly

[spoiler]

he’s the first motherfucker to die.

[/spoiler]

This review is all over the place, but so is this book. There’s no cogent thread. It bounces all over the place, from past to present, from head to head, with not a single fuck to give for cohesion. And I won’t even discuss how much could have been edited out of this beached-whale of a book. I was sincerely hoping that, like so many other rereads during the challenge, I would find out that it was me, that my memories of how horrible this book is would be tossed away because I’d grown older and wiser. Nope. It’s all still one huge fuckerow.

Spoilers ahead. Not only spoilers for this book, but for all of King’s work. It’s on you if you click “view spoiler”. Word.

[spoiler]

Conspiracy Theory:

While I severely dislike Dreamcatcher, it is unfortunately the glue that holds my It/The Tommyknockers/The Dark Tower theory together. If you’re unfamiliar with my theory, here is the Reader’s’ Digest Condensed Books version.

I believe that all of King’s books come back to one, if not all three, of those books I mentioned above. All of them. From Carrie to the present. Every last one.

In It, Pennywise introduces himself to Georgie as Pennywise the Dancing Clown, or Mr. Gray. In this one, PENNYWISE LIVES is scrawled along the wall of a sewer in Derry. I believe that the aliens in Dreamcatcher and The Tommyknockers, the Grays, are creatures from the Prim, and that Pennywise is of the same species. I believe the reason Pennywise was able to survive as long as he did is because he created his own environment down in the sewers, his own ecosystem, much like the Grays in The Tommyknockers. I also believe that the creature known as Pennywise was rocketed into our world when Gan rose up and the Prim receded. My theory is further strengthened by Douglas (I hate calling the kid Duddits) being able to see the line, or, if you will, the Beam.

Now think about how Pennywise murders, how he bites and tears with a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth. Many mistakenly believe that Pennywise’s final form at the end of It is the spider. Read the reviews. There are hundreds of people who complain about the final reveal being a spider, and how let down they were that’s that all he was, was some telepathic spider from outer space. But Pennywise is only trapped in that form, a form he chose to elicit fear, much the same way he chose the clown. What if Pennywise is nothing but an overgrown shit weasel? Ah, now we’re cooking with petrol! Think about the teeth. The real creature would need to have those teeth to feed. When Adrian is attacked under the bridge toward the beginning of It, it’s said that the clown takes a huge bite out of him, and that the guy has all these small holes in him, as if he’d been worked over by some kind of shark. This sounds exactly like the wounds the shit weasels inflict.

Game, set, match.

[/spoiler]

In summation: Not the worst Stephen King book in existence, but Dreamcatcher is easily numero dos. #1 is From a Buick 8, and guess what, sports fans, that shit’s up next. Fuck me, Freddie, and bite my bender, indeed.

Final Judgment: An 882-page ad for Beano

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edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1168013/dreamcatcher-review

Reading progress update: I’ve read 32%.

You guys, this book is pretty fucking awesome. Think early Dean Koontz merged with Gillian Flynn’s writing. Yes, I hated Gone Girl, but I love the way Flynn writes. I simply don’t care about her plots. 

 

Anyfuck! This book is amazeballs. It has your typical treasure-hunt-to-keep-a-kidnapped-someone-alive plot, but Pettersson is managing to make it her own. I’ve been shocked numerous times. 

 

Think movies like Breakdown, The Vanishing, and 13: Game of Death. If you haven’t seen any of those, remedy that shit posthaste.

 

 

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edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1167630/reading-progress-update-i-ve-read-32

Questioning Things of Ambiguous Intelligence .

So I’m watching a commercial for Taco Bell’s newest breakfast sandwich, which is a biscuit in the shape of a taco that is filled with eggs, cheese, and bacon. I’m not talking about their Waffle Taco, or their AM Crunchwrap, but their “new” Biscuit Taco.

 

Comments in the commercial range from how jaw-droppingly original and game changing this new sandwich is, and I gotta wonder how fucking stupid Taco Bell’s ad people think the human race has become. 

 

It’s a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit, only the biscuit is shaped differently. It isn’t like they used quail eggs, moose bacon, and manatee cheese. It’s the same old boring egg product, cooked and reheated bacon, and something called “Processed Cheese Food.”

 

Anyway, how do you feel about this? Does it not matter to you in the least? Do you feel Taco Bell knows its audience and understands they’re all really too stupid to catch on to the fact that this is just any other fast food biscuit sandwich only in a different shape. Or do you feel like they’re insulting your intelligence? 

 

I rate this up there with infomercials that make straining spaghetti look like you need a doctorate to accomplish, and cleaning up soda with a towel only causes more soda to appear, as if a wash cloth is a gateway to another dimension wherein the supply of cola is endless unless the breach is closed with a goddamn Sham Wow!

 

Leave your comments below, and maybe we can get some group therapy from this nonsense.

 

*hugs and high fives*

 

E.

 

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1167598/questioning-things-of-ambiguous-intelligence

Reading progress update: I’ve read 11%.

I have family in town, and erringly picked this one up to take a peek, expecting to be able to put it down.

 

Fantastic opening. Reminds me of old Dead Koontz. I didn’t want to stop reading.

 

This feels like it’s going to be big fun.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1166392/reading-progress-update-i-ve-read-11

Undertow Review

Review:

*I received a free ARC in return for a honest review. Thanks to NetGalley and the publishers for the swag*

Due to New York state statute BS-101, it is allegorically impossible to hate a book wherein a character named Minerva is mentioned. See also: Maleficent, Ursula, and That One Chick Who Gave Snow White A Goddamn Apple.

Yup. It’s gonna be one of those reviews.

For all the content that Undertow gets wrong or blatantly rips off, it’s not an unenjoyable book. The writing flows beautifully, and the author takes some bold chances near the end. It has a beautiful cover here in the States, but the UK ebook cover is far superior in tone. Because Undertow is not about rampaging Mer-People who tear apart Coney Island and stake claim to the boardwalk. This isn’t about carnies gone wild because they couldn’t get a Coney Dog from Sonic (if you don’t have Sonicwhere you come from, I weep for your very soul and covet your waistline). Unfortunately, you probably wouldn’t have bought this book without that cover gracing the front, so the publishers screamed “YOLO!” all the way to the bank. Why wouldn’t you have bought it? Because the first hundred or so pages (I’m guessimating here, because I read an ARC on my Kindle) is boring. I doubt anyone would pick up this book, read the first chapter and say, “Hey, this sounds like it won’t be too terribly bad. Lemme drop twenty bucks on the off-chance it’ll be good.” It reads like every other YA novel out there. The only standout is that cover. Go look at other reviews. See how many times people have said, “I only requested/bought this because of the cover.” Almost all of them. The problem lies in the fact that the cover lies. Or, if you prefer, gives the reader false expectations. Luckily, the end of the book is big fun, and that makes up for the boring beginning. Mostly.

I never allege thievery and plot holes without points of reference. I’ve read several reviews of this book wherein the reviewer calls it “vastly original” and “unique” and “mind-blowingly unlike anything else ever in all of the universe, PRAISEJESUSAMEN!”, and I found myself asking what rock these people have been living under.

Here are a few examples of how unoriginal this book is.

#1. Lovecraft called, Dagon wants their fish people back. See also: The crew of the Flying Dutchman, via Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.

#2. The quarantine zone from District 9 will be suing for copyright infringement. Not only do the Alpha salvage and weaponize themselves with scraps, like the Prawn, but they live in a run down tent city that could substitute for a shanty town in Africa five days out of seven.

#3. The love story is brought to you by Anna and the King of Siam, or, if you prefer, Anna and the King, or The King and I. I liked this story better when Yul Brynner played Fathom… I mean the King of Siam. I still have no idea how the writer of the synopsis got the connection to The Outsiders. I’m going to have to read that one, because the film adaptation of The Outsiders is nothing like this book. I’m only guessing but it might be because of the warring factions of Niners versus… well, versus everyone not insane.

#4. Every YA cliché ever is on display here. Unique girl who’s not overtly popular, but is just different enough to fit in with everybody, has an edgy gal pal with a terrible family, and there’s a boy that both girls are friends with, but it is glaringly obvious at the start of the book, at the boy’s very introduction that he will end up being with the edgy gal pal.

#5. This bit of borrowed history is actually a plus. I thought the way the author handled the integration was classy. Michael Buckley successfully fictionalizes the 1963 Alabama Integration. Remove Governor George Wallace and replace him with fictional Governor Pauline Bachman (whose bears a striking resemblance to Ol’ Crazy Eyes Michelle Bachman, unless I misread the subtext) and you have that famous scene outside of the University of Alabama to a T. Written poorly, that scene could have easily went off the rails, given that Buckley essentially replaces African-Americans with fish people.

#6. Neo/The One storyline. I know this storyline existed long before The Matrix, but it’s the easiest point of reference, and Buckley steals it effortlessly, right down to the “I’m not the one!” “You ARE the one!” ending motivation. Dude, I was rolling my eyes so hard in that chapter my ocular nerves decided to take a vacation on Coney Island to recuperate. Too bad the place is a cesspool.

So please, for the love of all that is holy, stop calling this book original. There’s nothing original about this book other than how the author puzzle-pieced all these things together, and saying it is original is an insult to all the content creators whom Buckley borrowed from to write his book. But there’s nothing new under the sun, so I went with it. Once I realized that the cover lied to me through its gorgeous teeth, I started having fun. I had fun up until the roof plot hole, and then I had fun again.

Whoa! Pump them brakes, partner… What roof plot hole?

Well, I’m glad you asked. You see, it is made quite obvious that the Alpha don’t like stuff over them. They’re from the big blue sea, and there’s no roof on the ocean, so roofs make them nervous. The bad boy prince character is even a bit claustrophobic because of it. Lyric’s mother (that’s the main character, by the way, and this next sentence is a tiny spoiler for a reveal in the first 15% of the book but…) is even mentioned as having had to acclimate to living indoors.

BUT THE ALPHAS LIVE IN A TENT CITY. IN TENTS! TENTS HAVE ROOFS!

*catches breath… proceeds*

I don’t understand how such a strong, independent people as the Alpha, who are stuck in their ways to a fault, decided they were just going to ignore their comfort level to live in a human-made tent city. It couldn’t have been the weather. They’re from the ocean. Trust me, it doesn’t get much wetter and colder than the goddamn ocean.

In summation: I gave this an overall three-star rating because it was easy to read, and the author made some strong choices when dealing with who lives and who dies in his book. I dig that. Will I read the next one? Probably. I’m invested in the story now, so why not. I didn’t hate this one. I simply hope the author tries a bit harder with the original material in the next one, or, at the very least, doesn’t make his borrowing so obvious.

Final Judgment: That cover is the literary equivalent of the Push-Up Bra.

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New Release!

Click on the pic to get your copy. I know the store says OUT OF STOCK, but if you scroll down to the bookseller buttons, you can buy your copy at your site of choice. 

 

Thanks, and feel free to share this post. 

 

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Reading progress update: I’ve read 1%.

NetGalley said yes. Reading this one starting now.

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edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1163828/reading-progress-update-i-ve-read-1

The Last Town Review

Review:

First thing’s first: I have no clue how they’re going to make this a television series with a shelf life longer than three seasons. Hell, two seasons are going to be pushing it. Three books were perfect, but you could probably fit all of the novels into two seasons.

Now to discuss this final book. It was awesome. One helluva thrill ride with an ending I didn’t see coming. You’ll probably see the ending coming a mile away, but I was so engrossed with the tale that I couldn’t picture the outcome I received. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Blake Crouch put me there. His writing is seemingly effortless, and you just kinda glide along. It’s easy to get lost in Wayward Pines, and I suggest you allow yourself to become hypnotized. You’ll have much more fun.

Before I continue, I must make note of one scene that I simply fucking adored. There’s this lady playing solitaire while her house is being invaded by monsters. The monster is screeching at her, and she’s steadily telling it to stop being rude, to mind its manners in her home. The resulting scene is hilarious. I was crying, I was laughing so hard. I don’t know if Blake meant for this scene to be that funny, but it hit me in the right spot at the right moment. Bravo.

I had a damn good time with this series, and I feel this final book was a fitting end. I could have done without the Rick , Shane, and Lori love story, but it’s a minor gripe. If you’re not a fan of The Walking Dead you probably won’t get that reference, so I apologize. Just know that there’s unneeded love-triangle shenanigans afoot here and it annoyed me enough to gripe about it.

This series made me feel like a kid again. It had all the mystery, action, and carnage Little E. sought in his entertainment. I will watch the M. Night Shigellosis TV series with trepidation. I honestly do not see him being involved in anything worth more than a squirt of piss, and I’m almost certain he will somehow suck all the fun out of this cool concept, but I’m going to give it a shot.

Finally, a note on the audiobooks. Paul Michael Garcia is a fantastic narrator. His performance in this series is no different. I highly recommend anything PMG performs, and especially recommend the Wayward Pines series.

In summation: Yeah, I loved this journey, but your mileage might vary. I will say I loved it so much I hope that there are more books, even though I know they would be forced. I recommend this series to anyone looking to feel like a kid again, anyone wanting to have that sense of awe and astonishment, that feeling of an adventure started and a journey accomplished. But, dude, honestly, it’s just really fucking cool.

Final Judgment: Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

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