Edward Lorn's Blog, page 75
May 10, 2015
How to Work from Home as a Creative Person
(Or, How to Make Enough Money at Your Hobby to Tell Your Boss to Go Fuck Him/Herself)
I have five fool-proof ways to become successful enough at your creative outlet to justify quitting your day job. These five pieces of advice will work for anyone. I should know, because they worked for me!
#1. Win the lottery. Nothing provides financial freedom like being suddenly rich as balls. I’m still mastering this step, but I’ve heard it’s the perfect way to be able to write books and stay home all day watching Netflix.
#2. Have a huge penis or perfect breasts and be willing to video tape yourself performing sexual acts. You don’t have to be a pornographer, but you must have a video camera. Sex sells, and people love watching people fuck. Even amateurs. Hell, in some circles, especially amateurs. I’ve not mastered this skill yet either, but I’ve done plenty of research in my time.
#3. Speaking of selling sex, write erotica. You don’t even have to be good at it. Your work can be riddled with errors and stupidity and people will still buy your work. Most of these people will buy it simply to make fun of you in their book groups, but they bought it, so what do you care. Pro Tip: Throw in sex with monsters, dinosaurs, or robots for even more sales.
#4. Fuck someone important. Find someone whom others listen to and fuck their brains out. Once you’re done fucking that person, tell them that you’ve written a book and would love if they’d pimp your shit. This does not make you a whore. It makes you a business person. Fun for men and women alike!
#5. Get lucky. That’s how the majority of us do it. Seriously, there’s no special formula to success in this ever-changing literary world. People’s tastes change, and you’re only ever as good as your last book. You can email me everyday asking me advice and I will always tell you the same thing: I got lucky. I don’t buy ads, I don’t spam people, I don’t seek out review swaps, none of that. I write, I publish, and I sit back and hope that each story finds an audience. It’s that simple, and that hard. Do I think this will last forever? Nope. Am I rich? Nope. I make enough off my writing to pay the bills. This is my job, and I’ll be the first one to tell you that I’m lucky enough to say that.
This has been a public service announcement brought to you in part by the letter E.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1162915/how-to-work-from-home-as-a-creative-person
On Sale for $0.99!
Hope for the Wicked is on sale for $0.99 until May 13th. The sequel, Pennies for the Damned, comes out on the 12th, so if you enjoy one, pre-order two.
WARNING: Out of all my short stories and novels, Hope for the Wicked has the most disturbing scene I’ve ever written. It also has discussions of child abuse of a sexual nature. The scene of which I speak has nothing to do with children though. When I say disturbing, I mean it. The scene disgusted even me, and I wrote it. If you’re in to that kind of thing, or think you can handle it, go for it. If you feel like challenging yourself, by all means, jump right in. But do not say I didn’t warn you. I feel the scene was necessary to expedite the character’s journey. It is not meant for shock value alone. This is NOT a cozy mystery. It is NOT your average thriller. Expect the absolute worst and you’ll be fine.
If you’re down, click the cover below to buy from Amazon.com. International readers, scroll farther down, please.
For any countries I missed, my apologies. If the book is not on sale in your region, send all complaints to Red Adept Publishing, but don’t tell them I sent you. Hehehe…
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1162642/on-sale-for-0-99
May 9, 2015
Covers I Will Never Use #1
Thought I would share these covers that would otherwise never have seen��the light of day. I decided against using them based on one of four reasons:��a) they didn’t properly fit the project they were created for, b) I submitted the story/book to a publisher/anthology/magazine, c) there never was a story and the cover was only me playing around/practicing, or d) the project ended up being a massive failure in post.
If you want, you can vote for the best/worst of the bunch in the comments. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I have no emotional attachments to any of these failures.
Or its variant cover (they’re both fucking awful and embarrassing, but I prefer the one above to the one below *cringes*)…
I’ll upload more another day. Until then, one more for the road…
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1162206/covers-i-will-never-use
The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon Review
This was my first time reading this book. I know, I’m just as shocked as you are. So why hadn’t I, our resident King fanboy, read The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon? Well…
I was homeless when it was released. That period of my life was the first of three times I would live on the streets. In 1999, I had successfully alienated myself from my immediate family (my mother and sisters; Dad had moved back to California by this time) due to my abuse of drugs and alcohol, and had moved into an apartment with this heroin addict named Jill. Four months later, Jill got herself cleaned up and decided to kick me out. I was replaced by a guy I came to think of as Studhammer McSwingin’-Dick. In reality, his name was Kirk. Kirk was an addict, too, but his drug of choice was weightlifting. I would eventually come to write about Kirk. Some of you know the character of whom I speak.
All that is still no excuse for me having not read The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon. I could have very well read it once I got my shit together, but I didn’t. For the longest time, I thought it was an internet-exclusive novella, like Mile 81 and UR, and I was waiting for it to be released in a collection. It wasn’t until last year (2014), that I realized the damn thing was actually a full-length (albeit short) novel. Am I mad it took me so long to get around to it? Not really.
The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon is an okay little book written in the vein of Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea; one of those human-versus-nature books that values life lessons over plot devices. But, in this case, Hemingway’s novella is far superior. There’s not a whole lot going on in King’s book, and the majority of the problems I had with it have to do with the cast. The characters within are some of King’s shallowest. Our MC Trisha is a one-note kiddo who’s obsessed with real-life baseball player Tom Gordon, a relief pitcher for King’s most favoritest bestest team in all the land, the Boston Red Sox. Her brother Pete is your typical whiny-ass teen who prefers Dad to Mom in the world of New Divorce. Mom and Dad are just there; I got no feel for their characters at all.
One of the plus sides of the book is something King refers to as Wasp-Priest. What a creepy thing that was. The first time Wasp-Priest is mentioned is some of the creepiest work King’s done since Pet Sematary. “The God of the Lost” is a cool name, too, but the reveal at the end of the book was kinda shit. What Trisha ended up facing off with was rad and all, but the way King delivered the reveal was anti-climactic. I literally said, “Fucking really? Dude, you didn’t even try.” I think King was hoping to rely on the build up he’d created earlier in the book to carry over to the end. Unfortunately, it carried about as well as a sack with a hole in the bottom.
Overall, I give The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon a pretty “Meh” rating. It is, without a doubt, mediocre King material. There are far better King books, but there are far shittier ones, too. In fact, two of his shittiest novels are up next on my reread list. Back to back: Dreamcatcher followed by From a Buick 8. I might read Hearts in Atlantis and Nightmares and Dreamscapes in between. Haven’t decided yet… Anyway, after From a Buick 8, it’s another Decade with King post.
Obvious tie-ins:
The novel takes place around TR-90, which is the location of of Mike Noonan’s vacation home, Sara Laughs (Bag of Bones). This puts The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon inside the Dark Tower universe–guilty by association.
Trivia:
This is the last book King released before a van ran him down while he was out on his daily walk, almost killing him. King would write about the experience in On Writing and The Dark Tower. Other novels influenced by the accident areDreamcatcher and Duma Key.
In summation: The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon is a highly-readable, mostly actionless novel with cardboard characters and an ending lacking any luster whatsoever. You probably won’t regret reading it, but, if you choose to skip it, you won’t be missing anything special.
Final Judgment: Contains more walking than The Hobbit and the entire The Lord of the Rings saga combined.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1162082/the-girl-who-loved-tom-gordon-review
Wayward Review
Oh, hell yeah, this was awesome.
I’m sorry if you do not find this series as cool as I do, and I fully understand that your mileage might vary, but holy shit Wayward Pines is a fun place to visit. This second book wasn’t as chock full of what-the-fuckery as the first one, but it held its own. And that ending… Dude, I got goosebumps.
I never knew what to expect, and that’s such a refreshing thing to be able to say about book two in a series. I had no idea where Blake was going to go with this sequel and I was kinda worried he’d spent his load with the first book, but he did not disappoint. It’s a much different read than Pines. Deeper, I would say. I enjoyed the introspective parts just as much as I enjoyed the pacing and the characters.
Paul Michael Garcia does another fantastic job with the audiobook. No issues with the production.
In summation: Can’t say I found a single thing I didn’t like, so, just like its predecessor, Wayward gets all the stars. I want to jump directly into the next book, but I need sleep.
Final Judgment: Cool as stasis.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1162038/wayward-review
May 8, 2015
Site Changes and Other News
Hello Everybody,
E. here. I have some news and updates and all-around cool shit to share. If you’re interested in future books and projects, skip down to��THE��FUTURE.
First and foremost, my blog has a new look. Innit pretty? All kinds of sexy. Moving on…
DRAWING A LINE IN THE SAND:��
Starting June 1st, my Facebook and Twitter presence will be mostly automated and controlled by a third party. This should cut down on the knee-jerk reactions and other emotional bullshit I’m known to post from time to time. I’ve never been good at deciding what should be posted and what should be kept private, so I’ve hired someone to do that for me. If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, I will no longer be personally responding to comments. These two sites will now be used for marketing. If you’re like me and don’t care for��stuff like that, feel free to unfollow me on Twitter and Facebook. I will continue posting fun stuff on Booklikes, Goodreads, Instagram, Tumblr, and here on my blog. There’s a time and place for promotional shit. It’s a necessary evil in this business, but that doesn’t mean I have to pollute my playgrounds with author-ly shenanigans. So, in simple terms:
Facebook and Twitter: Authorial bullshit.
Booklikes, Goodreads, Instagram, Tumblr, and this blog: No authorial bullshit.
We cool? I hope so.
CURRENT NEWS:��
I’ve been submitting to the Big 5 like mad, and have heard back from one so far. They (I’m being purposefully vague because they haven’t technically accepted anything yet) declined the novel I submitted but asked that I submit something different. Basically, what I submitted was not right for them at this time. I can dig it. At least I didn’t get a “Fuck off and don’t come back now, ya hear!”
THE FUTURE:��
I’m working on a project with Craig Saunders. And that’s all I can say about that…
Hope for the Wicked��will be on sale for $0.99 from May 10th��to the 13th. This sale is to celebrate the release of…
Pennies for the Damned, the long-awaited sequel to��Hope for the Wicked. The new novel��will be available for purchase everywhere on May 12th, 2015.��I’m excited, friends and neighbors. Not only is Pennies for the Damned��my first full-length novel since 2013’s��Life After Dane, but Larry Laughlin is also one of my favorite creations. I’m proud of the book, and looking forward to seeing what everyone else thinks of it. Many thanks to Red Adept Publishing for all their hard work on Larry’s latest adventure, and Streetlight Graphics for creating such a��cool cover. It’s always a pleasure working with you guys.
On the Indie side of things, I have a new collection coming out in August.��Others & Oddities��brings together��all the short fiction��I’ve released since 2013��as well as��brand new��material, like��my new��novella��Rue.��Crawl��and��Fog Warning��will be added to the collection��as well. This book of stories��will not be 100% horror fiction, but it will be my final indie release. Publishing has become far too expensive and too much of a headache. It’s about time I let other people worry about the small details while I worry about the most important part: the stories. ��I will be working on a snagging a contract with the Big 5, and continuing the Larry Laughlin series with RAP for as long as they continue accepting them.
Last but not least, I have a cover reveal for you. If you follow me on Facebook, you’ll have already seen this. If not, here’s the cover for��Others & Oddities, created by yours truly…
If you’re still here, thanks for reading all the way to the end. Most importantly, thank you for your continued support. Big things are coming, and I’m super excited to share all these new stories with you.
*hugs and high fives*
E.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1161979/site-changes-and-other-news
May 6, 2015
Pines Review
Review: 
Even though everybody and their mother’s vibrator read this series last month, I somehow managed to skirt spoilers of any kind. Going in, I knew two things: Blake Crouch wrote it, and M. Night Shouldabeenacontender is producing a television series for FOX based on it. I’ve been a fan of Crouch’s since I read Run and Desert Places a few years ago (highly recommend those two as well), but just never got around to this one. Glad I finally remedied that.
The less you know about Pines the better. The What-the-Fuck moments are what make this book so special.
You know what, stop reading this and go read the book. Anything I tell you will either be a rehashing of the plot or a spoiler.
In summation: Suspenseful, smart, and unexpected. I had a fucking blast. Thanks for that, Blake.
Final Judgment: Why the fuck are you still reading this review?
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1159616/pines-review
May 5, 2015
Reflections of a Fat Kid #6
One packet of shrimp ramen.
One packet of beef ramen.
Surf and Turf.
NAILED IT!
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1159188/reflections-of-a-fat-kid-6
If You Could See Me Now Review
Review: 
I’m so goddamned confused. I’ve reread the last ten pages three times now and I still have no clue what the fuck happened there at the end. I’m pretty sure this book’s ending is a disaster. Several things make absolutely zero sense, but ONLYbecause of the last few pages.
[spoiler]
I have no idea how they beat Alison Greening. I have no idea why fire was able to… what? Put her ghost back to sleep? What the fuck did all Miles’s olfactory hallucinations have to do with anything? If Alison needed to wait until a certain time and date to kill Duane and Polar Bears, then how in the butt-fucking Christ did she kill the other girls? And why was she killing girls that looked like her? SHouldn’t she have been entirely focused on the two men who raped and killed her? I’m. So. Confused.
[/spoiler]
The problem is, I enjoyed the hell out of If You Could See Me Now. I really, truthfully, honestly (convinced yet?) loved this little book. I just don’t know what to think of the ending. If someone can cogently explain the problems I mentioned in the spoiler section above, cool beans. I’ll raise my rating. But it seems like Straub simply gave up. Like he said “YOLO!” and fucked off to the Territories.
In summation: I want to love this goddamn book in its entirety, but right now I’m kinda peeved.
Final Judgment: If you could explain the ending to me now, that’d be great.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1158895/if-you-could-see-me-now-review
Sula Review
Review:
Sula is very nearly a horror novel. We’re not talking serial killers or unstoppable monstrosities, but raw human horror, the kind of horror of which I wish there was more. Toni Morrison might cringe to think anyone would consider her work in the same breath as horror fiction, but there are quite a few disturbing scenes, ones that I will not spoil or even allude to in this review. I want you to experience them for yourselves. Needless to say, I was shocked by the brutality, and pleasantly surprised at Morrison’s powerful storytelling abilities.
None of the horror detracts from the beauty of the writing. In fact, I think the beautiful prose and horrific scenes wonderfully compliment each other. I’m reminded of such affecting fiction as One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and Of Mice and Men. Simple yet striking. Not a wasted word in sight. It is no wonder Morrison won the Nobel Prize for Literature. Beloved, the novel for which she won the Nobel, will be my next read from her.
Morrison narrates her own book, and does a fantastic job. I highly recommend the audiobook, but you should read this in any form.
In summation: I have absolutely nothing bad to say about Sula. It is a novel I wish I had read sooner. Epic in scope and destructively sorrowful, Sula is must-read material for fans of arresting literary fiction.
Final Judgment: We started at the Bottom now we’re here.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1158606/sula-review
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