Edward Lorn's Blog, page 68

Ask the Audience: Next Movie Review

 

I have Nightcrawler to review (have watched, haven’t written anything up yet) and The Devil’s Rejects (flashback review coming soon), but I need to watch The Human Centipede 3, Bad Ass (with Danny Trejo) and Jinn (thought it was spelled Djinn?) so I can review them.

 

My question for you is: Which one should I do next?

 

The Human Centipede 3

 

Bad Ass

 

or…

 

Jinn

 

I know good and well that all three will be terrible experiences (I really don’t want to watch the latest ass-to-mouth fest that is the Centipede movie but am willing to take one for the team). My hope is that we get a fun-filled, riotous, snarky-as-hell review out of one of them. 

 

So what say you?

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1184258/ask-the-audience-next-movie-review

The Colorado Kid Review

Review:

A lot of people hate this book for bullshit reasons. I don’t usually comment on other people’s opinions (I have in the past, but not often) because its their subjective feelings about the shit they read. Fine. Whatever. But to hate this book because it has a cover that only vaguely touches upon the book and/or doesn’t fit the Hard Case Crime series… I don’t know… I mean, the book doeshave a female reporter in it and it is a mystery. Yeah, like I said, those people who hate on this book because of the aforementioned reasons… well, their opinions smell of bullshit.

There are plenty of reasons to hate The Colorado Kid. The cover and publisher are the least of them. First off, it’s a novella. Charging people $5.99 for a novella is asking a bit much. Even in King Land, where the rides cost more and the endings are sometimes lackluster experiences. Asking six bucks for something that would make a great episode of The Twilight Zoneis a dick move. Did the production of this book necessitate the price? More than likely. But my point is this: It shouldn’t have been published by itself. It should have been saved for a collection. Same shit goes for Blockade Billy, which is two short stories coming in at 80 pages and published by Cemetery Dance for the fucking insane price of $14.99. (Fun fact: Both Blockade Billy and the short story that follows it, “Mourning”, will be featured in The Bazaar of Bad Dreams). At least the coffee table book The Dark Man has pretty artwork one can goggle. So here you have a good reason to hate The Colorado Kid – the price. We got ripped off. Damn fine reason to get upset. Moving on.

The selling point here was crime fiction from Stephen King, which had, at this point, already been done. I shall direct you to the short story “The Fifth Quarter” and the novella “Umney’s Last Case”, just to name two. It’s not like this was new territory for King. What fans were expecting was an actual crime drama, not a book of theories. From the jump we’re told that there are no answers. Same shit happens in From a Buick 8, but at leastThe Colorado Kid isn’t over 300-pages long. Wait a second… does that make the length and price worth it? No, fucker, because, depending on the version of From a Buick 8 you buy, you’re looking at double to triple the price tag of The Colorado Kid, so FUGOFF… Where was I? Oh yeah, expectations. We knew King could write crime fiction when he wanted to, so we were excited. What did we get? Two old men sitting in a room telling a 22-year-old woman a story about a guy that choked on a piece of chewed beef. I hate to repeat myself but… FUGOFF!

So the actual story is boring and never really goes anywhere AND we paid six bucks for this book. But why stop there? Let’s mention…

The afterword. Wait… what? The afterword? Yes, the afterword. Let’s mention that King knew that people would hate this book. To be fair and quote him accurately, he says: “Depending on whether you liked or hated The Colorado Kid (I think for many people there’ll be no middle ground on this one, and that’s fine with me) you have my friend Scott to blame. I included the entire quote, but I want you to focus in on the part within the parentheses. I don’t care that King doesn’t mind that some people will hate it, but I do care that he knew some people would. My overactive brain can math good so I will put two and two together. Hard Case Crime called and asked King if he wanted to be a part of their newborn pulp throwbacks. He said sure, but had nothing to give them. He could have given them Blaze but that shit needed some modernizing, and well, fuck that noise. He was a busy guy. But wait… what about that trunk story about the unexplained mystery? Some people are going to fucking hate that shit but… oh well, it’s not like it’s a novel novel, (it’s more of an experiment) and I have Cell coming out soon so “YOLO, BITCHES!”.

So (E. here again) instead of leaving this in a trunk where it wasn’t hurting anybody, King decided to give it to Hard Case Crime because he liked the idea of what they were doing. He didn’t need the paycheck at this point in his career, but he wanted to be a part of something that was showcasing and paying tribute to his heroes. He’s a dork, a nerd, like most of us, and he wanted to be a part of something cool. Do you blame him? Yeah… I kinda do. Dear Stephen King, you could have done better.

In summation: The Colorado Kid should have been at the end ofEverything’s Eventual. Hard Case Crime should’ve grown a sack (or some ovaries, I don’t discriminate) and told King “No. We’re not accepting this. We don’t want your leftovers and neither do your fans.” King would go on to (at least in my eyes) redeem himself by giving Hard Case Crime another novel by the name ofJoyland. I accept that as an adequate apology for The Colorado Kid, but this tiny-ass book still grinds my gears.

Final Judgment: It should be hated for the right reasons.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1184245/the-colorado-kid-review

Book Orders Are Here!

My gargantuan book order just arrived. All orders for signed limited editions of my books will start going out next week. 

 

Thanks for your patience!

 

*hugs and high fives*

 

E.

 

(Oh, and there are five copies of Cruelty left for sale, and three copies of Bay’s End. If you’re interested in a copy, message me here, or email me at edwardlorn@gmail.com )

 

 

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1184181/book-orders-are-here

Digital Companions

Most Blurays offer digital downloads for free. “Buy this physical copy for $15 to $30 or more and get this intangible version for free. You know, because you bought this shit. It’s yours. You should be able to watch it on any device you want.”

 

This needs to be the norm with books. If a digital version exists and I buy a hardcover copy of a book (or a trade paperback, because some books never see hardcover) and I pay full price for said item ($15 and above), I should get the digital version free. 

 

KDP Select, the platform indies and small presses use to publish books on Amazon, offers something called Kindle Matchbook. You buy the physical copy and you either get the digital copy free or for a steep discount. As far as I know, not one of the five major publishing house offers this. I say we request change? Maybe a petition? Not sure. Post your ideas in the comment section below. 

 

 

 

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1183784/digital-companions

Only $0.99 until June 30th!

I can’t share my review of this book anymore because Jason and I share a publisher (Red Adept Publishing is publishing his newest effort, Seeing Evil, and they’ve done several of my novels as well and they consider us reviewing each other a conflict of interest, which I can dig), but I assure you I enjoyed this wicked little creepy-crawly book. It’s funny, horrific, and smarter than a great deal of fiction floating around at the moment. I suggest you buy it and read it, you know, if you like horror and crazy circumstances and whatnot.

 

*hugs and high fives*

 

E.

 

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1183715/only-0-99-until-june-30th

Something Wicked This Way Comes Review (Audible Edition, narrated by Christian Rummel)

Review:

This review is for this particular version of the audiobook, the one narrated by Christian Rummel. There’s several versions. I will say that this is the best version there is. Stefan Rudnicki’s version is terrible, and Kevin Foley’s version is only slightly better than boring. Rummel does the best job… but it’s still not right.

Something Wicked This Way Comes is one of those books that needs to be read to be appreciated. I’ve read the book more than a dozen times, but I’ve yet to find an audiobook version I’ve enjoyed as much as the text. Rummel does a fine job, and his suitcase of voices is well stocked for this journey, but something in the narrative gets lost when read aloud. Bradbury’s word choice is perfection, no matter the book or story. Every single word is used to give the reader a sense of atmosphere… of place… of character. But something gets lost in translation when read aloud. I cannot put a finger on it. My apologies to those of you who want to know why.

The book itself gets all the stars. The narration of this one gets four.

In summation: If you absolutely must listen to Something Wicked This Way Comes, Christian Rummel’s version is the best yet. I will keep a lookout for new versions as they become available and let you know how they stack up against the text.

Final Judgment: There’s nothing wrong here, but it’s not completely right, either.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1183336/something-wicked-this-way-comes-review-audible-edition-narrated-by-christian-rummel

Randomized Randomocity #161

I’ve had friends and fans and family send me food products from overseas but, just today, I ordered my first international sweet. My Finnish followers should recognize these.

 

 

Yup. Just ordered them off Amazon. I love salty things and truly dig licorice. These hit my radar because they’re pretty popular on the fuck-around food challenge channels on YouTube – the ones where they only try something because they know they’re going to hate it and want to film their reactions and get a million views. I just want to eat them. Yum.

 

Side note: Booklikes’ excited emoji looks like he has a gun in his back.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1183310/randomized-randomocity-161

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

Review:

What the fuck is up with YA authors and their need to write in script form and/or use bullet points? This book was quarter teleplay, half to-do list, and a quarter actual novel. It was jarring as hell for me the way Andrews hopped back and forth and all over with his style choices. I couldn’t catch the flow because no flow existed, so something that should have been a one-sitting read ended up taking me four days to complete. Oh, and seriously, people, this is a novella. If you tell me this was over 40,000 words I’ll call you a liar and be able to sleep at night.

Now, a word on the content of this bloated short story.

The theme is as follows:

Sometimes, boring people get cancer. Having a terminal disease does not make you cooler. Moreover, simply knowing and being around a terminally-ill person does not make you a better human being. Sometimes, people try to do nice shit for each other and other people shit on those nice things. Compassion is subjective. You’re a not terrible person for not loving everybody who has cancer.

In summation: If you want that lesson beaten over your head for the course of what amounts to a really long short story, by all means, read this. I guess it’s supposed to be a comedy, but I only laughed three times: Mom and the boobs on the computer, Earl eating the cuttlefish, and the word “Fuckburglar”. Other than that, this book was just as boring as the dying girl.

Final Judgment: Yes, in fact, boring people do get cancer. Did I mention boring people get cancer? Because boring people get cancer. If you’re boring, try not to get cancer because people will be wicked upset that they couldn’t use your death to better themselves because you were so wicked boring. Okay? Okay, bye.

(I have three cancer survivors in my family and have lost one family member and two friends to various forms of that fucking disease. Fuck cancer and fuck this book for making it seem like it’s just something we have to deal with. Something on par with dirty laundry and a toddler stepping on your nuts.)

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1183295/me-and-earl-and-the-dying-girl

Mad Max: Fury Road Movie Mini Movie Review

 

Mad Max: Fury Road is a very mature cinematic experience that manages to bring out the kid in you. That is all. That is enough.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1182911/mad-max-fury-road-movie-mini-movie-review

#Shelfies

Paul Read or Dead demands a sacrifice. Or a shelfie. Can’t remember which. Either way, here’s a couple pics. Sorry, no nudes.

 

The King Collection:

 

 

My Fandom Shelves:

 

(That’s an old Royal typewriter on the bottom.)

 

 

Misc. Shelving:

 

(These are my first edition non-King books, some of my favorite paperbacks, a bit of my work, and King’s Hodges Trilogy because I feel Mr. Mercedes and Finders Keepers are not truly part of the King-verse… oh, and the bottom two shelves [unseen] are full of King paperbacks.)

 

 

That’s that then. Thanks to Paul Read or Dead for the idea. I’m enjoying having a peek at everyone else’s shelfies. Keep them coming, please. 

 

*hugs and high fives*

 

E.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1182828/shelfies