Edward Lorn's Blog, page 67

Gregor Xane would like you to lend him an ear.

Gregor is offering up goats for sacrifice the audiobook for his Bad Apples tale “The Riggle Twins”. You can read more by clickity-clacking that cover image below.

 

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A is for Alibi Review

Review:

I enjoyed this book for the most part. The writing doesn’t feel too terribly dated, in fact the only thing that really stood out was that there was no cell phones. The plot is your typical mystery. Nothing more. Nothing less. If you’ve read anything by Lawrence Block or Dashiell Hammett or John D. Macdonald you’ve read this book. Every chapter starts with superfluous descriptions of places you’ll never see again. The lobby of a goddamn office building was built piece by piece, word for word, only to have Kinsey pass through into somebody’s office. This is done twice throughout the novel, with two completely different locations. Why the bloody hell did I have to read four bricks’ worth of text only for her to step inside the office and never return to the fucking lobby? Huh? Why not just start the scene in the office? Because fuck you, that’s why.

The real reason is (and pay attention while I slap some insider knowledge on your asses), novels used to have to be between 90,000-120,000 words before a publisher would even look at them. This was SOP for the longest time. That’s why most of the cookie-cutter thrillers are between 320 and 400 pages. James Patterson, Dean (without the R.) Koontz, and Janet Evanovich, I’m looking at you guys. If Sue Grafton had cut all the unneeded bullshit in this book, she would have had a novel of about 75k on her hands, or around 270 pages. The easiest way to pad a story is with character and location description. A is for Alibi has some of the worst padding, too – the oft-used but never-read driving directions. You skip it. I skip it. But I must admit, as a writer, I still use it from time to time without even realizing it. Sometimes it gets cut, and other times it doesn’t, but I cannot complain about it here and not admit to doing it myself. Authors, if you want to give your readers a sense of place, describe the scenery, not the mile markers and street signs.

Damn… I went on far too long about the writing. But what is there to say about the story? Not much. That’s a fucking shame, really. I mean, I just read an entire book and I can’t really tell you one standout moment. I didn’t expect the naughty language (all the fucks were a pleasant surprise). I didn’t expect there to be a murder in real time. You have the cold case Kinsey is working, but someone actually dies while she’s on the case, and I didn’t see that coming. You have your typical red herrings and twists and… you know what? I retract my previous statement about me enjoying this book for the most part, because, FOR THE MOST PART, I’ve seen it all before from better writers. The more I write in this review the more I realize I didn’t really enjoy this experience as much as I just didn’t find any reason to stop reading. The writing is bare-minimum stuff. The plot is rehashed from old pulp stories. The main character, while I didn’t dislike her, I didn’t really like her either. I have zero feelings for Kinsey Millhone.

In summation: I was going to give it three stars because I liked it, but the more I think about the story and the writing the more this seems like just an okay experience. Weird… I’ve never changed my mind mid-review. At least I don’t think I have.

Final Judgment: Confused as to why I finished it.

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New Cover Design

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Discomfort of Three Parts (Movie Reviews)

It was night again. Edward Lorn lay in discomfort, and it was a discomfort of three parts…

(Extra points go to the people who know where I stole that opening line from. And yes, I edited it to suit my needs.)

I want to talk about good, bad, and unbearable levels of discomfort. I hear you asking, “There’s a good way to feel discomfort?” And my answer is, “Yes, I believe so.” If not, then how do you explain BDSM, torture porn, and Sasha Baron Cohen fans?

To open the discussion, I would like to talk about…

…how completely unbearable Bad Ass was. The acting was awkward and the writing was terri-bad, so terri-bad that I had to invent the word “terri-bad” to describe it. The odd part about this film is, the budget is nonexistent, but they could somehow afford CGI blood. Do you know how cheap red food coloring and corn syrup is? It has to be cheaper than computer imagery of any kind.

The discomfort of Bad Ass is truly unbearable, and there is no better evidence of this fact than when poor, beautiful Joyful Drake is on screen with Danny Trejo’s hundred-year-old ass. I just checked IMDB and it says that Joyful was born in 1976. That’s four years before me. She’s not even forty yet. And here, in this pile of shit, they have her as Trejo’s love interest. It’s forced. It’s awkward. And it’s uncomfortable for all parties involved. It feels pervy, and mostly because Joyful looks a lot younger than she is. Poor Danny Trejo even looks uncomfortable. At least they didn’t make her kiss him.

The film has a climax involving a train hitting a bus. The train is obviously from a child’s train set. I will not even attempt to go over how fucking insane the happenstance is that both the protag and the antag end up in a high-speed bus chase.

And to the person who asked, my apologies, because Danny Trejo does not remove his shirt in this film. Due to this unfortunate non-happening, I cannot adequately review his tattoos. I can only imagine he kept his shirt on because he’s become a bit pudgy since The Devil’s Rejects. #manboobs.

Which brings me to…

…how bad the discomfort of The Devil’s Rejects actually is. I’ve seen this film numerous times, and I consider it Rob Zombie’s best film. Just recently, I rewatched it. I’m not disturbed by much these days, but this film still gets under my skin. The scene in the hotel room, when Priscilla Barnes (Terri from Three’s Company) is made to strip, disgusts me. It makes me uncomfortable to the point that I need to skip ahead. The first time I watched the movie in theaters, I had to close my eyes.

This isn’t the same kind of discomfort as Bad Ass because me being unsettled is the point. Zombie meant for me to feel the way I do when I watch this film. Still, it is too much to bear in some spots, and I hate missing sections of a movie due to my comfort level. I feel cheated. The only other movie to upset me more than The Devil’s Rejects is A Serbian Film. I do not suggest anyone look that one up. Two words: Infant rape. That movie will never be okay, and the people who consider it art shouldn’t be allowed within 500 feet of schools or playgrounds.

Speaking of restraining orders…

…how can I get one for a person whom I’ve never met? Because I kinda don’t want Jake Gyllenhaal anywhere near me… ‘kay? ‘Kay.

Nightcrawler is the best kind of discomfort money can buy. It’s intense and creepy and unsettling and disturbing and it makes you wonder if Jake Givemhell is acting. Like, I completely believe he’s this guy. I hope Jake Gonorrhea makes another movie soon so I can see him in a different light, because Jake Gomorrah is scary as fuck to me at the moment.

The ending of Nightcrawler is a wee bit unbelievable, but it didn’t really detract from my overall experience. If I had to rate it, I’d still give it a solid five stars based on Jake Gaondpivbiwebfvevqiebfvliaehbvsd’s performance alone. I haven’t had this much fun being uncomfortable in a long-ass time.

So there you have it, ladies and gents, a discomfort of three parts. I’m tired of reviewing the same way all the time. I hope you enjoyed reading this change of pace as much as I did creating it.

In summation: Forget Netflix, buy Nightcrawler and store it safely in your Bluray/DVD/Digital library for multiple future viewings. Catch The Devil’s Rejects while it’s on Netflix and see if the aforementioned scene bothers you as much as it does me. And if you ever come across a physical copy of Bad Ass, do the world a favor and set fire to the fucking thing. At the very least, don’t watch it on Netflix. Keep your loved ones away from it too. Friends don’t let friends watch Bad Ass.

Final Judgments: One of these things is not like the others.

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Cell Review

Review:

Five stars for the first half. One star for the last 200 pages, wherein King drags his ass like a dog infested with roundworms.

Cell is a five-star read all the way up to the halfway mark. You got crazies running around, nom nom nomming on tender bits, and a likable crew of misfits trying to stay alive. Underneath it all, King is stoking the fires of 9/11, trying to keep the fear alive a full five years after the towers fell in a half-ass attempt to scare you with real-world issues. The Phonies (I do not type that word with a straight face) speak in a garbled, almost-arabic language. Slap turbans on King’s version of zombies and you have a strong argument for racist propaganda. Did King do this on purpose? Mayhap he did. Mayhap he didn’t. Either way, ‘MURICA!

There’s this climax that takes place around midway through the book. King shits the bed after that. What action you do find on the downhill side of this novel is tired, rehashed bullshit from the first half of the book. It’s honestly like reading two different books. King even repeats the big scene in the middle further down the road, but by then, the cool factor has disappeared. You can’t have barbecue every night, friends and neighbors. It’s fucking great on Friday, especially when beer’s involved, but more of a pain in the ass on Saturday because you’re still hungover from the night before and that goddamn grill is making you sweat pure ethanol.

This is either my second or third read through of Cell. Can’t remember, but it’s certainly not my first. Because of this, I let Campbell Scott read it to me. He does a fine job at the narration, but the production quality is iffy at times. Sounds levels are fucked. He’ll be really low one minute (not whispering, just low) and then he’ll be loud (not yelling, just loud). Sometimes, the tone of his narration changes, as if he’s started reading as another character. I still don’t think this is his fault. I think it’s the quality of the recording, which, in my honest opinion, is utter dogshit.

Before we hit the Conspiracy Theory section of our program, I must say that I firmly believe King got in way over his head with this book. There’s a reason why The Stand is 1200-pages long and Cell is only 450. Maybe Cell started as a short story or a novella and it just kept on going, or maybe he always meant for it to end the way it did. Either way, the final product makes it seem as if King just got tired of writing this particular book and stopped. I can dig open endings, but to follow Clay on his hunt only to receive the ending we get here… I don’t know, man, that’s kind of a dick move. Oh well, it’s Uncle Stevie. Whatcha gon’ do, right?

Here there be spoilers for all of King’s books. Only click on “view spoiler” if you’ve read through King’s entire catalog. I take no responsibility for your sadness and despair at having something spoiled because you can’t take instruction, ya muppet.

[
Obvious Tie Ins:

Charlie the Choo Choo (the Dark Tower series)
The Dark Wanderer comic (obvious nods to the Dark Tower universe, especially since they are graphic novels and this came out around the time MARVEL started working on their DT comics)

Conspiracy theory: I believe this version of the King-verse is another beam altogether from the beam of the Bear and Turtle.The Stand happens on one beam, as witnessed in Wizard and Glass, and Cell on another. This is how you can have two end-of-the-world scenarios in one universe.
(hide spoiler)]

In summation: I was hoping the sudden stop at the end would be eased by the knowledge of what was to come, but it didn’t happen. Cell is still a three-star read and I’m sure it will remain that way for all my days. Especially since I see no reason for me to ever read this again. This one is fine for a first read through, as the ending can be a little shocking in a “Wait… what???” kind of way, but the novel definitely doesn’t withstand the test of time, nor does it withstand a second read through.

Final Judgment: Only slightly better than AT&T.

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Offering Cheap Cover Design

I’m cutting my teeth at cover design as a business. I’ve been doing my own covers for over a year now and finally feel comfortable offering my services to people and getting paid for it. I’m attaching several covers for books I’ve submitted to publishers and won’t be needing, or covers I created for fun. They cover a wide range of styles and genres, but I can do most anything.

 

Anyway, give them a look. If you know anyone who needs a cover, I’m only charging $50 a piece for the next ten covers I create. I’m willing to work with individuals and publishers alike. If you’re interested, comment below or email me at edwardlorn@gmail.com 

 

Also, I can do posters, album covers, Audible covers, and font work on original artwork as well. 

 

Thanks in advance for spreading the word!

 

*hugs and high fives*

 

E.

 

 

 

 

 

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edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1185445/offering-cheap-cover-design

Massive Changes Coming

Hello everybody. I regret to inform you that my run on Kindle Unlimited and KDP Select has finally come to an end. I have pulled all material under a 100 pages from Amazon (that includes all short stories and episodic material). Novels and works not published independently will remain, meaning everything I’ve published through traditional publishing methods will remain up due to me not having control over where it is sold. This change comes due to a shift in policy over at the Mighty ‘Zon. Here’s the direct quote that spurred my decision:

 

“As with our current approach, we’ll continue to offer a global fund for each month. Under this new model, the amount an author earns will be determined by their share of total pages read rather than their share of total qualified borrows.”

 

Up until now, I was making good money on borrows from Prime members and Kindle Unlimited subscribers that chose to use the service to read my shorter works. Now that they’ve decided to pay by the page read and not the borrowed material as a whole, I have decided to un-enroll from KDP Select, as I would only be making significantly less per product than if I sold them at full price. 

 

The good news is, all of you Nook and Kobo users the world over will now have access to Cruelty. The complete serial novel should be available to purchase within the next week or two. I’m attaching the new cover below. The book will be available on Amazon and all other major retailers for $6.99. The trade paperback version is coming soon.

 

This change in strategy will not affect my monetary situation too terribly bad as I’d planned to take a more traditional approach to publishing in the future. I have novels out to the five major publishers for consideration, and will move on from there.

 

This business is ever changing and I’m not a bit upset. I know why Amazon did what they did, and now I’m doing what I have to do. It was great fun while it lasted. The future is now.

 

Thanks for all your continued support, 

 

*hugs and high fives*

 

E.

 

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Rarely Seen Photos

I don’t post many pics of my family because well… we’re private folks. Today, everyone agreed to a few pics. These are the best of them. 

 

Oh, and sorry, we don’t get dressed up for anyone. ;)

 

Left to right: Ash and Coal (a.k.a. the Goombas). This pic captures their personalities perfectly. Ash is a very… proper and well-behaved Goomba. And Coal is just… well, you can see from the pic what he’s like. 

 

 

My son Chris (a.k.a. Baby Dude)

 

 

And finally, from left to right: Chelle (my wife), Autumn (my daughter), and Baby Dude.

 

 

I caught them taking selfies with Chelle’s webcam. That’s why Chelle and Chris aren’t facing my camera, but I couldn’t resist posting the picture wherein Autumn is being her goofy self. And yes, we’re all just as crazy as we look. Big fun and much love, folks. It’s the only way to live.

 

*hugs and hugs fives*

 

E.

 

 

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Nightmares and Dreamscapes Review

Settle in… we’re gonna be here awhile.

 

I’ve read Nightmares and Dreamscapes more than any other King book, be it collection or novel. There are many reasons for this. The easiest to explain is that this was the most easily accessible of King’s collections for me. It came in the mail through the Stephen King Library (those of you who’ve followed my Decades with King posts will know the story of how I used to steal my mother’s packages out of the mailbox once a month) while Night Shift and Skeleton Crew were locked up in the Great Book Closet because they were, to quote my mother, “Too scary for her pumpkin.” Hey, stop laughing!

Anyfloop, that’s the easiest to explain.

The harder answer is that I was in a horrible place when this book came out. I needed the escapism. And while this is not my favorite of King’s collections (that would be his first, Night Shift) I believe it is the perfect place to start if you plan on giving Stephen King a try. It has on display everything people love and hate about him: his verbosity, his humor, his mastery of mimicry, his eclectic nature, his massive successes, and his most stunning failures. Some of my favorite stories are collected in this book. As are some of the worst stories I’ve read. Anything King writes about baseball I hate. Loathe is actually a better word. My father was a huge baseball fan, and Dad was one of the main reasons my teens were so awful.

This is my first time listening to these stories. In the past, I had always read them. My opinions haven’t changed much as far as best and worst, but I have a better appreciation for stories like “The Doctor’s Case” and “Sorry, Right Number” due to the exemplary performances by their narrators. Tim Curry does two tales in this collection and both of them are marvelous. (I think that’s the first time I’ve used the word “marvelous” in a review and I regret nothing.) And then you have absolutely horrible narration brought to you by Yeardley Smith (Lisa Simpson’s voice on the Simpsons) whose performance is laughable because of who she sounds like by default (the story she narrates is good, but it’s brought down a whole star by her goofy-ass voice), and Joe Mantegna, who completely phoned in his performance; his child voices are the worst I’ve heard. Not some of the worst, but the absolute worst. He sounded like an adult making fun of how a kid sounds. I can only guess he was asked to do this because he played a part in Thinner around the same time this book was published and they were contractually obligated to use his dry delivery, which is completely void of give-a-fuck, because they’d already paid him… or something. Anyway, Mantegna’s narration is garbage. Probably in my top five worst performances, up there with everything William Hurt has ever read.

Below, you will find a story-by-story review of this Nightmares and Dreamscapes‘s audiobook series. I tried to keep it to one sentence per but… well, you’ll see. If you make it to the bottom, all the way to the Notes section, you’ll get some insider info on me. Or, you know, you can skip ahead to that, or not read it at all. Whatever floats your balloon animal.

Shall we?

Part One of this three-part audiobook series:

“Suffer the Little Children”, as read by Whoopi Goldberg, gets three stars for rehashing that old Invasion of the Body Snatchers plot horror authors are so fond of.

“Crouch End”, as read by Tim Curry, is one of the best audiobook performances I’ve heard, and the story deserves every single star I can give it because it’s creepy-good.

“Rainy Season”, as read by Lisa Simpson… I mean, Yeardley Smith, gets four stars for being weird enough to make me giggle and cringe at the same time.

“Dolan’s Cadillac”, as read by Nick Andros himself, Rob Lowe, doesn’t hold up to a second reading, and has become as tedious and as boring as a twice told joke. I’m giving it two stars for this reread. This one really hurts because I loved this story the first time around. Now I can’t remember why. Rob Lowe did a great job, though.

“The House on Maple Street”, as read by Tabitha King, gets four stars for being a neat little tribute to Ray Bradbury while being its own thing too.

“Umney’s Last Case”, as narrated by the one and only Robert P. Parker, is a piece of metafiction that showcases nods to King’s heroes and a few mentions of some of his real life friends, but only manages to be three star’s worth of entertaining.

One star to both “Head Down”, as read by Stephen King, and “Brooklyn August”, as narrated by Stephen J. Gould, because I give not a single fuck for baseball. I hate all sports in general (Hockey is okay), but I loathe baseball most of all.

Part Two of this three-part audiobook series.

“Chattery Teeth”, as narrated by Annie Wilkes herself, Kathy Bates, gets all five stars and remains one of my favorite stories of all time.

“My Pretty Pony”, as read by the late Jerry Garcia, gets four stars for explaining the ever quickening passage of time in a touching story about a grandfather and his grandson.

“Sneakers”, as narrated by David Cronenberg, has four-star’s worth of creepitude going on. I forgot how much I liked this story. Cronenberg’s narration made it even better than I remember. Wish it had a better ending, though.

“Dedication”, as read by Lindsay Crouse, is two stars worth of voodoo that doesn’t really go anywhere.

“The Doctor’s Case”, as narrated by Tim Curry, see’s King tackle Sherlock Holmes in this two-star outing because it seems that all authors must tackle Holmes at some point… or something. Tim Curry makes this story bearable.

“The Moving Finger”, as narrated by Eve Beglarian, gets three stars for being about a finger in a drain.

“The End of the Whole Mess”, as narrated by Ferris Bueller, gets five stars for Matthew Broderick’s performance.

“Home Delivery”, as narrated by Uncle Stevie himself, gets five stars for having an axe-wielding pregnant woman.

Part Three of this three part audiobook series.

“It Grows on You”, as narrated by Stephen King, gets a single star for boring me to tears.

“The Fifth Quarter”, as read by Gary Sinise, is three-star’s worth of crime fiction.

“You Know They Got A Hell of a Band”, as read by Grace Slick, gets five stars for having a concept so cool I don’t need air conditioning.

“The Night Flier, as read by Frank Muller, gets five big ones for being one of the only vamp stories I can stomach.

“Popsy”, as read by Joe Mantegna, gets two stars for being ruined by the narrator.

“Sorry, Right Number”, as read by a full cast, gets as many stars as I can throw at it. I haven’t been that unsettled in a long time. The audiobook is the way to go with this story. *makes sure phone’s turned off*

“The 10 O’Clock People”, as read by Joe Morton, gets four stars because I used to be chained to the same habit.

Notes, as read by Stephen King, is probably my favorite part about this book. Open you copy of Nightmares & Dreamscapes and read the notes in the back (if you’ve read all the stories, of course) and you’ll see why I decided to start publishing my fiction. I’d been writing since I was six, but this notes section made me believe I could make it somewhere with my imagination. King thinks some of his work is shit? You don’t say! Nightmares & Dreamscapes made me want to show the world my creativity, and On Writing taught me how. If you don’t like my stuff, blame King for inspiring me.

“The Beggar and the Diamond”, as read by Domenic Cuskern, is a lovely story King’s long time friend, Surendra Patel told him once upon a when. Hardcore King followers might remember a character named Surendra Patel in Pet Sematary. Not sure when Patel passed, but Under the Dome is dedicated to him. Long day and pleasant nights.

In summation: I love and hate this book. For all the reasons stated above, I can only give it three stars, but it will forever be the book that got me through a tough time. It didn’t necessarily save my life, but it took my mind off life long enough for me to cope with some rather heavy shit.

Final Judgment: The sampler platter at your favorite bar.

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