Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 89

Feed Your Relationship, Feed Your Life

People often spend lots of time and energy in finding a relationship. They will take courses, join online services, and read up on ways to meet and find partners. Much effort goes into deciding if this is the right match; there is discussion with friends and counselors, and lots of attention devoted to deciding yes or no to a particular relationship.

However, it is unfortunately the case that very often once a couple embarks on the path of having a relationship, their efforts, as well as the outside information, support and input seem to cease. The couple thinks that they are alone with the building and succoring of their relationship once it has begun. It is often the case that a couple will only seek outside support or information when their relationship is having a bumpy time and they feel they need help.

Maude used the phrase “feed your relationship” at breakfast, and it immediately clicked for both of us. We realized that in our partnership and those of other successful couples we have interviewed and talked to, continuous nourishment of the relationship makes a huge difference to its actual success.

We participate in many activities and interactions that we feel are really important to feeding our relationship on an ongoing basis, and we think that you too can find a host of fun and nourishing actions to add strength and support to your union.

Feed your relationship and keep it strong; read our blog & find out how #relationships #quote
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Through the work on our book, we have interviewed, met and befriended many couples who believe in and support peaceful relating. Finding other people who you can share with and exchange ideas and experiences with is a deep adventure in learning. It is often eye-opening how similar experiences can be; even if they take different forms, the patterns and underlying basis of the actions and interactions is frequently the same.

We read many books and articles in the area of peaceful relating. As we do a weekly blog called Successful Relationship Reading Corner, we are always researching others who write on the same topics in their own style, and this brings much practical advice and information our way. We also do an occasional Friday Feature blog on people and couples working in the area of peaceful relating, and we have had the good fortune to meet with many of these peace workers and share our personal experiences.

We buy a year’s worth of books of stories, poems and erotica every year at the annual Planned Parenthood book sale in our community. Phil reads aloud most nights from this haul. Right now he’s re-reading an anniversary gift, the anthology “Twenty Poems to Bless Your Marriage And One to Save It” by Roger Housden. Roger writes wonderful commentaries on the poems, pulling out the essence in a style that rivals the poems themselves. Speaking of marriage, he writes:

…a marriage proposal is formed from a knowing. You just know, with a knowing of the heart, and not of the rational mind, that this is the person you want to spend your life with. It’s not so much that you make a commitment as you recognize and affirm that a commitment is already there in the quality and nature of your being together. To bring forth that recognition in words brings it down to earth, out of the realm of possibility and into actuality. This is an ennobling moment, because it promises to bring the spirit of the divine to dwell among the physical, moral and social constraints of being human. It is an act of courage on both people’s parts.

It is a joy to find ourselves reflected in his words.

For all that everyone likes to think of themselves as making their own way in life, we are all strongly influenced by the standards and behavior we see all around us, and “feed your relationship” helped us see that we regularly surround ourselves with inspiration. We follow writers and therapists who espouse peaceful relationships. We hang out with upbeat people who celebrate life. We treasure and cultivate the joy that our relationship brings us.

All of this is reminiscent of those inspirational quotes found on Facebook or your dentist’s waiting room. Every one of those feeds your life. What you let into your life is what you become.

Each partnership has to find their own way to feed their relationship with this kind of energy. One thing is for sure: finding input that succors your union and trying new ways to live and express ways to be together will keep your relationship new, alive and vital. Don’t wait till you need a counselor to repair what is not working. Stay active and feed your relationship now!

You can hear Phil reading our blogs on iTunes and narrating audio books on audible.com.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we looked at fear and love and how they affect relationships. There is some good writing here on those twin forces.

To Love or to Fear? “In my life, I have begun to realize that behind the veil of every feeling I have ever experienced since I was a little girl, there have always been only two core emotions which brought forth actions and reactions: love and fear. These two emotions are the directors behind every expression of thought. They are the drivers of the bus. They are the captains of the ship.”

Loving the Unknown “The voice of fear fills our minds with thoughts that project into the future and expect the worst. Should I or shouldn’t I? What if I do—or don’t? The imagination runs wild thinking of every negative scenario that could happen. And the effect of these projections? You feel stuck, you limit yourself, or you resign yourself to playing it safe. Your attention is captured in fear-infused thoughts, while you’re missing the beauty of what is real and alive right here and now.”

Five Clues That Your Decisions Are Based on Fear “Once you’re aware that certain types of fear are more likely to occur in relationship situations and you accept how insidious they can be. You can begin to watch for clues that your decisions are being based on fearful thinking (as opposed to clear thinking). Here are five things that are often signs of fear-based decisions.”

 

Love and Fear as Factors in a Relationship

Imagine you’re a teeny-weeny organism back in the depths of time. There are things you need and gravitate towards like food and sunlight, and dangerous things you move away from like predators, acidity or extreme temperatures. These twin approaches to survival persist to this day, and as humans, we call them love and fear. We are drawn to that which we love, and avoid that which we fear.

Fear is unpleasant, and we can avoid the discomfort by not looking at it directly, but it still affects our behavior like a hand pushing us from behind. Sometimes we are conscious of it and choose not to walk down a dark alley at night, but most of the time it acts upon us unseen. To understand how it controls us, we must look over our shoulder and face it.

We used to live in an environment where what we feared could kill us, and it paid to err on the side of caution. Is that a stick or a snake across the path? If you wrongly assume a stick, it could be fatal. This historical cautiousness leads us to exaggerate our fears.

The antidote to all this is daylight. The key to avoid being controlled by our emotions is to be aware of them and to realize that, say, feeling angry about something and acting upon it are two separate things. By owning the anger, you have the choice of what to do with it.

And so it is with fear. It is almost always about events in the future. Bring out that fear. Look at it. If it is real and your electricity is about to be shut off, do what you need to do to avert it, but most fears are not so certain. A possibly apocryphal story: Napoleon would delay opening mail for three weeks because he found that most problems had resolved themselves by then. Most of the things we fear do not come to pass.

When we act from love in solving the decisions of our relationships, a very different dynamic presents itself. This can be seen in several stories we have heard from couples about their relationship experiences.

One of these couples shared that the wife was going to retire soon from full time work. The husband, who had been retired for some time and been home alone most days, told us that he had some trepidation thinking about his partner’s imminent retirement and the fact that she would be in the house much more. He was concerned about the changes this would bring to his schedule and overall habitual patterns. However, he also emphasized that although he had some concerns, he was sure that they would work them out, and he was looking forward to having more time together.

We have heard this worry about retirement before from couples we have interviewed. Some fear was associated with big changes, but the couples had found ways by acting through a loving base to deal with the fear in what was a positive way for their relationships.

Another couple we were with shared that although they have been very close for many years, they had up until recently maintained two separate residences. They decided to move in together, and this brought up certain fears about how each might lose their sacred alone time and space. After sharing their fears and concerns with each other, they decided they would maintain the schedule that had worked so well for them when they lived apart. They would only sleep together and share their space three nights a week, and would otherwise maintain separate time and space when at home.

Let love, not fear, be the basis of all relationships #love #relationships #quote
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In all of these stories there is a common factor. Although fear was experienced in dealing with change, each time the couples acted from a base of love (which contains trust) and used that love to safely communicate their fears. They knew that their partners would not misconstrue their concerns, but would rather hear and understand them and they would cooperate to find solutions that worked for both of them.

When fear is the basis of how we relate, we tend not to communicate. This often causes withdrawal, which causes more fear and suspicion and this vicious cycle never leads to a successful relationship.

An important understanding on how to achieve the kind of peaceful relationships that we share about in our books and this blog is that we all experience fear. However, if love, not fear, is the basis from which we relate to each other, then we will feel safe to communicate. We will work to find mutual solutions and we will become stronger and more united in our relationship.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we looked at how important being positive is for your relationship. Here are some interesting articles on positivity and relationships.

How to Make Your Relationship More Positive “Most people think that you cannot create positivity—it’s either there or it’s not—but they’re wrong. You can definitely encourage yourself and your loved ones to be and feel more positive. You just have to learn how to do it, as many others have done. Think about the professional athlete who has lost a game and has to pump himself and his teammates up for the next one. Having a good coach—or a good therapist—may help, but pumping yourself up is something you can do on your own or even as a couple.”

3 Ways to Keep Your Relationship in the Positive Perspective “Dave has been married for 10 years. When he is away from his partner and thinks of her, he usually thinks about how she doesn’t help out around the house enough or about recent fights they’ve had. Sarah has been in a relationship for six years. When she is away from her partner and thinks of her, most of the time she thinks fondly about past vacations or other positive (and even neutral) memories. In both of these scenarios, the crucial difference between Dave and Sarah is how positively or negatively they view their partner.”

8 Tips for Developing Positive Relationships “One of the most profound experiences we can have in our lives is the connection we have with other human beings. Positive and supportive relationships will help us to feel healthier, happier, and more satisfied with our lives. So here are a few tips to help you to develop more positive and healthy relationships in all areas of your life.”

 

How Being Positive Promotes Healthy Relationships

Our experience has shown us that it is very important to be positive about both your partner and your relationship. Where you put your attention can often change your entire experience of what is happening.

We recently read an article in the New York Times entitled “Turning Negative Thinkers Into Positive Ones,” and found it touched on this issue in a most interesting way. In the article the author shares some new studies that show that even with just a few weeks of compassionate mindfulness training, the participants were able to have a much higher degree of positive response. It is important to understand that the article is not just saying that you should find a way to see things positively, but rather that you can change your brain to respond differently. As we know from many of the recent neurological studies of the functions of the brain, it is plastic and can indeed change and rewrite old patterns and behaviors.

Dr. Fredrickson’s team found that six weeks of training in a form of meditation focused on compassion and kindness resulted in an increase in positive emotions and social connectedness and improved function of one of the main nerves that helps to control heart rate. The result is a more variable heart rate that, she said in an interview, is associated with objective health benefits like better control of blood glucose, less inflammation and faster recovery from a heart attack.

Dr. Davidson’s team showed that as little as two weeks’ training in compassion and kindness meditation generated changes in brain circuitry linked to an increase in positive social behaviors like generosity.

Another interesting point in the article was that the researchers found that accumulating “micro-moments of positivity, can, over time, result in greater overall well-being.” This is one of those areas where your relationship can be a source of positive moments to support you throughout your day.

We thought this information would be heralded by most people with great joy and enthusiasm, since knowing that you can change your negative responses, rather than be subjected to them, is surely good news! However, we were quite surprised to see that there were, along with the pleased responses and statements of agreement to the article, many very negative comments in which the writers seemed determined to hold onto and defend their negative stance toward life.

80% to 90% of how we see the world comes from our brains, and what you look for is what you see. Put these two together, and a pessimist is going to see negative outcomes and discount the positive ones.

Our animal fears make us err on the side of caution. If it might be a tiger, act cautiously, even if it’s improbable. But life is filled with far more good things than bad things, and nowhere more so than in relationships. You have to believe one is possible. It is only that belief that makes it possible. Then arguments are just surface grime that can be washed away. Otherwise, arguments are fissures that can widen into a breakup.

Being positive promotes healthy relationships; find out how #relationships #quote #dating
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We both come from different beginnings in terms of positivity, but we seem to have landed in the same place together. Maude’s mother Annie was completely able to see the positive in every situation, and she passed on this attitude to her children. Phil’s mother was deeply troubled in his first years of life by the loss of his father in the war while she was still pregnant. This colored her experience strongly, and it wasn’t until much later in life that Phil was able to arrive at a positive viewpoint through his own work and study. Backgrounds may vary greatly, but it is possible in a relationship to come from a place of trust and peace and positive assumptions about each other and how you will deal with life’s events together.

It is more than possible, it is essential to a successful relationship and a happy and healthy life. There are methods that are now available to all of us to assist in reprogramming the brain to respond differently if necessary. Taking a mindfulness course can be a wonderful undertaking to do together as a couple. When we can see the positive side of ourselves and our partners and look at the positive possibilities in any given situation, it is very freeing and enriching.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we looked at how to find a relationship when you’re older. The writers have a wide view of what “older dating” means, but the advice applies at any age.

He Asked 1500+ Elders For Advice On Living And Loving. Here’s What They Told Him “Karl Pillemer has spent the last several years systematically interviewing hundreds of older Americans to collect their lessons for living. He’s … a Ph.D. gerontologist at Cornell University. Some years ago, after turning 50, he wondered whether there is something about getting older that teaches you how to live better. “Could we look at the oldest Americans as experts on how to live our lives?” he asked. “And could we tap that wisdom to help us make the most of our lifetimes?” [He has written] “30 Lessons for Loving,” which features practical wisdom from over 700 older Americans with 25,000 collective years of marriage experience. One couple he profiles was married for 76 years. Another interviewee describes divorcing her husband, then remarrying him 64 years later.”

40 Tips for Finding Love After 40 “We’ve asked a panel of local experts to share their top tips for finding love after the age of 40. Their words of wisdom are designed to help you find the kind of relationship that meets your individual wishes and needs at this exciting point in your life. From professional matchmakers to experienced relationship coaches, we’ve gathered a group of love aficionados who understand what it takes for mature adults to identify what they want and how to achieve it.”

Romance and new relationships in later life “I recently asked some people between the ages of 20 and 45 what they thought about 70-year-old people hugging, touching, having sexual relations, living together. Some laughed, some just smiled. One person responded, “Aren’t people over 65 beyond all that?” Well… No.”

 

How to Find a Relationship When You’re Older

Recently one of our readers asked if we could write about finding relationships when you are older. This connected with a discussion we have had a number of times and we feel it would be fun and hopefully helpful to explore this issue with you.

We have frequently posed the question of whether, had we met when we were younger, we would still have clicked and wound up with the great relationship we have, or even be in a relationship together at all.

It’s not so easy to answer. We have both changed and grown through the experiences we have had in relationships, both good and bad. And most importantly, we have come to know ourselves much better. Of course, we have each pursued this self-knowledge consciously in a variety of ways. But even those who have not will have hopefully learned important information about their own desires, reactions, and needs.

Knowing about yourself is a life-long exploration. Over the years, your wants, passions, ambitions and capabilities change, and how you see yourself changes to match, but knowing who you are goes beyond a matter of labels. Your job, hobby, qualifications and history are not who you are, they’re only how you are. Find that point where the questions vanish and you simply exist. Mindfulness and meditation are very helpful here. They teach you to be comfortable with yourself.

From this comes a feeling of self-sufficiency. This is tricky to describe because we all have needs of food, shelter and love. But many people feel incomplete and seek a partner for that completion. Instead, when you know yourself, a partner adds to you. And at the same time, they give you many things you need. Yes, it’s a paradox. Life’s like that.

As we gain experiential knowledge of ourselves, we are more able to reach happiness and fulfillment in every aspect of our lives. When looking for a relationship this becomes a really critical factor. It will help us to assess how much we are matched to another and it will help us to communicate who we are and what we truly value as we meet prospective partners. This is so important to establishing relationships that have the potential to grow into something that brings peace and happiness.

When looking for a relationship, look at what you want & what your needs are #relationships #quote
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Look for someone who has that same depth of knowledge about themselves. It may not be obvious, because this is not a characteristic that is sought after in the consumer world, but when you meet people, look for it, and you’ll start to see glimmers here and there, until, when you are met full on, you’ll know.

There is another advantage to being a mature person and knowing yourself through your accumulated experiences. You will be able to actually assess what it is that you want, and be able to look at your desires in a practical way. People who are older and are not in a relationship, especially if they haven’t been for a longer time, have a number of things to carefully consider when embarking upon meeting someone.

First and foremost, you need to ask yourself “Do you actually want to be in a relationship?” and if so, “What kind of relationship are you looking for?” Many of the single people we know are very happy in their situation. They have created a life for themselves that is very rewarding without a partnership. They have learned what they like and how they like it. They have often become quite attached to the freedom that enters their lives when it’s not necessary to take someone else into consideration in the same way as when sharing a life intimately with another.

These are very real and important considerations. Ask yourself, is it a life partner, a companion for dating or a friend that you are seeking? Armed with that knowledge, you will be able to be more direct with people you meet and more apt to get what you want.

If you are seeking to develop an intimate sharing of your life with another, then you will have to understand and be prepared. “For what?” you ask. For change, of course. We as a species are very resistant to change, and as we get more mature this can be even more difficult.

We have a friend that decided she wanted to be in relationship after many years of a happily single life. She met someone and he moved in with her. They really felt this was going to be it. It went well for a relatively short time, but then she began to feel more and more irritated and impinged upon. The final issue wound up being over the bathroom. She found his presence too disruptive to her toilet routines, and eventually had to ask him to move out, which ended the relationship.

She thought she wanted a partner relationship, but she hadn’t really thought through what she was looking for and how she could get it without the aspects she wasn’t prepared for.

It is possible to change if you are aware of wanting that and are willing to do so. In the last years we have learned through many studies that the brain is plastic and can actually change, even drastically, and that there are many things we can do to support learning and change.

When you meet someone, it takes time to learn what they are like. You can’t rely on what they say; you have to discover that from how they behave under all sorts of circumstances.

As you know more, you come to trust them more, and you come to know what their core values are. These are very important; if their values differ from yours, it will be a constant source of friction in the relationship. Don’t try to fix it or paper over it. (Although who uses wallpaper these days?) Move on.

Things like trust and core values are assessed at a very deep level within you; your mind is the last to get the updates. Don’t ignore your intuitions (but if you have a history of attraction or avoidance, look very hard.)

Once you’ve established those big issues, make sure you aren’t derailed by the little ones, from how to wash dishes to the proverbial toothpaste tube. They need not be a source of conflict; there is always a solution that works for both of you without either person having to compromise. This is a radical message, but trust us, it’s true; we live it.

With the availability of online dating, meeting people is easier than ever. Use this opportunity to practice your selection skills. (In Hannah Fry’s book, “The Mathematics of Love,” she writes that if you’re going to meet 100 people, reject 37% of them, then choose the next person who is better than anyone you’ve already met. )

When you are looking for a relationship as an older person, then take the time to look at what you really want, and what your own needs are. Decide what you are willing to change and what you are not. A relationship will bring big changes, and if you want to be successful, you need to know what you are prepared to work on.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we looked at the importance of respect in your relationship. Many people think this is even more important than communication. Here are some articles on this topic.

What is Respect in a Healthy Relationship? “People have a lot of different ideas about what the word “respect” means. Sometimes, it is used to mean admiration for someone important or inspirational to us. Other times, respect refers to deference towards a figure of authority, like a parent, relative, teacher, boss or even a police officer. In this post, we’re talking about respect in the context of dating. In a healthy relationship, partners are equals, which means that neither partner has “authority” over the other. Each partner is free to live their own life, which can include deciding to share some aspects of their life with their partner. Respect also means that, while we may not always agree with our partner/s, we choose to trust them and put faith in their judgment.”

Relationships and the Importance of Respect “Relationship advice is everywhere and you often hear that the key is communicate – communicate – communicate… You will hear the importance of making clear agreements, having good boundaries and of course the importance of love. Respect however is often mentioned in passing and yet respect is paramount in successful happy relationships, romantic or otherwise.”

Why Is Respect Important In a Relationship? “Love and respect can never be separated in a relationship, especially in a romantic one. It is true that we can respect someone and not really love him, but we can never love anyone without also respecting them.”

Why Respect is so Important in Your Relationship

One of the links in last week’s Reading Corner contained the statement “In successful relationships, respect is more important than communication.”

Usually communication is touted as the most important thing in a relationship, so this was an unusual claim. We started talking about this and realized that respect is such an intrinsic part of our relationship that we’ve never really noticed it or written about it, like the clichéd fish that doesn’t know it’s in water. So we decided to rectify that with this blog by looking at how respect plays a role in relationships. Funnily enough, all the aspects start with “A”, which is probably something to do with Aretha.

Acceptance

Accepting your mate as a unique individual, and that being in union and love means accepting all aspects of how they are, expresses a deep respect which creates trust and is one of the foundations of most successful relationships.

Acknowledgment

Learning to listen and hear your partner also shows your deep respect. Remembering what is said and acting upon it is a reassuring way of letting them know that they are truly heard and asking for and honoring their input communicates how important they are to you.

Taking time to be together, where you put aside everything else and dedicate yourself to your union is critical to each of you feeling important and respected by the other. When we are too busy to find time to be alone with each other or to make the time for this kind of sharing, then it is very hard to feel respected or honored.

Appreciation

When you’re not appreciated by your partner, you have to find that support from within yourself. You have to pat yourself on the back. How you judge your worth has to come entirely from your own assessment.

At first that may seem perfectly reasonable. Isn’t that simply a self-esteem issue, saying you should hold yourself in high regard? But the reality is that we see ourselves as others see us – more accurately, as we think others see us – and constantly adjust our appearance, language and behavior to earn their approval. Think of it like the way each bird in a flock adjusts its course to match all the others and thus gain the benefits of flocking behavior.

It is humbling to realize that our own behavior, which we so proudly think of as autonomous, is in large part chosen to fit in with others. And so the approval of others is something that most of us need. It’s a tricky balance, though. We must be careful that this push towards the norm does not smother our uniqueness, and at the same time also avoid letting our ties to others weaken so much that we become socially maladjusted or a sociopath.

So it’s hard when you’re not appreciated by your partner. But it’s even worse when your partner actively disrespects you,, an active pulling-down of how you see yourself, and in this case, you have to work even harder to retain your sense of self-worth. Disrespect is corrosive, and leaves permanent scars on the relationship.

Autonomy

Autonomy is an important part of respect. If you don’t let your partner act as they want, if you tell them what to do or how or when to do it, you’re not respecting them as being able to act freely in the world; you’re halfway towards treating them as a slave or a child.

In successful relationships, respect is more important than communication #relationships #quote
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Behaviors that Express Respect for your Partner

Loyalty: honoring your partner with your unbroken support
Acceptance: knowing your partner is a unique individual, not attacking them for their differences and not trying to change them
Listening Actively: giving your partner your attention, hearing what they are sharing, and acting accordingly
Being Present: giving yourself to your partner by being present with your full self when with them
Acknowledgment and Appreciation: treasuring the special person your partner is and letting them know that you do
Setting Aside Time: The deepest showing of respect is to make sure that no matter what else is going on, you make being together a priority and create special time for the two of you to be alone with each other

Feeling respected and honored by your mate is something that strengthens not only your relationship, but your ability to be successful in the world. When you go forth with loving respect from your mate in your back pocket, very little can daunt you. Successful relationships are relationships that make us better people. Giving and receiving respect is a key to achieving that.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we asked if there are more successful relationships than you think. It was difficult to find articles directly pertaining to this topic, but here are some interesting ones on what makes successful relationships.

What Research Tells Us About the Most Successful Relationships “While a perfect relationship might be beyond the grasp of science, studies on what makes a relationship successful are everywhere. Over the years, these studies have come up with some trends that help us better understand what sets a long lasting relationship apart from one that ends quickly.”

1,500 People Give All the Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need “I sent out the call the week before my wedding: anyone who has been married for 10+ years and is still happy in their relationship, what lessons would you pass down to others if you could? What is working for you and your partner? And if you are divorced, what didn’t work previously?”

The 12 Ties that Bind Long-Term Relationships “The surprising findings of this study, reported in the prestigious journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, showed not only that many people were still in love even after 10 years of marriage, but also which factors predicted the strength of their passion…. A whopping 40 percent of those married 10 years or more stated that they were “Very intensely in love”—the highest rating on the scale.”