Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 87

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog Maude wrote about the importance of belief and intention in a relationship. Here are some articles discussing intention and its effect on relationships.

The 4 Qualities Of A Conscious Relationship “We are approaching a period of time when relationships are ready to go through a major redesign. The current paradigm isn’t working. People are unsatisfied in love; people don’t know how to make relationships work. And, believe it or not, this isn’t a bad thing. Because when systems break-down, that’s when they change. I believe that’s what’s happening in the area of intimate partnership. The break-down is forcing us to move towards conscious love. So what exactly is a conscious relationship?”

The Nature of Intentions in Relationships “How important is intention in the growth and development of healthy relationships? Does the good stuff just happen by itself? Can we make our goals, our dreams, our lives, our relationships happen out of sheer will? Is there always that chance for the development and healing that is required in healthy relationships? Are some people just lucky in relationships?”

Sample Intentions “Intentions are a critically important step in creating a dream life come true. But if you’ve never written them before, it can be daunting. Here are some sample intentions to inspire you to write your own:”

 

The Importance of Belief and Intention in Relationships

We were recently asked during a podcast interview what factors are important to starting a new kind of relationship, one in which peace reigns and fighting and arguments are absent.

Great question, and our first answer is always that you have to be sure that your core values match, both in each other’s actions and words.

However, once that is the case, what then? Next are the critical factors of belief and intention.

In order to truly experience a peaceful relationship it is necessary to believe that it is possible. This is not as easy as it sounds. The prevailing theory that is written about and rewritten, that is promoted and practiced by many therapists and counselors, is that every one fights and argues and that conflicts are inevitable. This theory espouses that it is not good to imagine or seek a lack of estrangement and fighting, but rather that what is important is how you deal with conflict and how you balance it with positive energies.

We disagree with this approach and seek to share another way with our communications, books, blogs and videos. We speak from the direct experience of another way.

With our process, we seek for mutual solutions. We are firm in our knowledge that we are on the same side. We always want the best for each other and know that our mate feels the same way. No desire, or projection of need, or fixed concept of what we want ever comes before this primary understanding.

This is where belief comes in. In fact, our first book was done for no other purpose than to share the knowledge that we were having this experience, and that if were experiencing it, then others could surely experience it too.

To truly experience a peaceful relationship, it’s necessary to believe that it is possible #quote
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Each couple will find their own way of implementing another way, but the characteristics of peace and calm will be present as the pervading energy of the relationship. To have this kind of relationship, you must have the basic belief that it is possible. And this must be a belief that you both share, a mutual understanding and goal for your togetherness.

Once this belief is there, both of you need to communicate the intention to always make this choice in how you perceive what is happening. You will want to learn and use the many available tools to put this into practice, which we and others have shared; like speaking from the “I” and sharing how you feel without assigning blame, truly listening to your partner, and seeking for the solutions and decisions that work for both of you.

Once you share belief and intention for a juicy passionate peaceful relationship, magical occurrences will become everyday events for both of you. This sense of goodness and safety does not leave you even when you are physically separated. It is a strength that will carry you through the hardships and difficult events of life. This kind of living is contagious. We can change the world this way, spreading peace, one relationship at a time.

Part II from Phil will follow next week.

Here’s our video on Another Way:

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we discussed what a successful relationship looks like, and we’ve found some great articles that complement our post.

Relationship Rules “Human beings crave intimacy, need to love and be loved…. Yet people have much trouble doing so. From many sources and many experts, I have culled some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it’s a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door. I won’t test you on them—but life will.”

10 Ways to Create a Strong, Intimate Relationship “It took years for me to realize a relationship is not a romance movie…. At some point I grew up and learned to let go of the crazy metaphor of romantic love in order to find true happiness…. So then, how do we make relationships work and stay happy?”

7 Keys to Long-Term Relationship Success “Most of us want to meet and settle down with the “right” person, and most of us want such a relationship to last…. What are some of the most important ideas when it comes to making your love last?”

What Does a Successful Relationship Look Like?

We usually choose a topic, write to it separately and then merge the two voices (see video below.) This week we decided to offer our separate voices so you can see how we write differently, yet share the same understanding.

PHIL

It’s hard choosing one word to describe our relationship. We picked “successful,” but maybe that brings up an image of a beaming couple in tuxedo and evening gown, dripping with jewelry, stepping from their Rolls onto a red carpet.

Success often has financial connotations, doesn’t it? But we use it to describe a fulfilling relationship.

It’s peaceful. We don’t argue. We don’t fight. We don’t quarrel. And as we’ve constantly reiterated, this is not through avoidance. We disagree, we interact, we find a solution. Again, we’ve covered this elsewhere.

But it’s even more than all that. It is a tangible sense. It is like stepping into a chapel or a grove of redwoods. It is not merely an absence of conflict, a fortuitous pause in the struggles of life; that would be like saying a chord is merely an absence of dissonance. No, it is as real as any other experience.
Then there’s the sense of freedom that we both have: the freedom to do and be whatever we choose, without needing permission or approval. This is huge. It’s like the freedom of being single, yet being in a relationship at the same time. This can happen because we both accept the other completely. We place no restrictions on each other. Of course, this takes place within a framework of trust and commitment, but they are freely given.
Such trust is possible because we agree on core values – the things that are most important to us. No need to list ours here, as different people hold different values, but the point is that when your basic values align, nothing your partner does will be threatening, and there will always be a point of agreement.
The corollary of our sense of freedom is the complementary sense of intimacy that it engenders. The freedom to fully express ourselves means that we are each privy to the other’s innermost being, and that this coexists with our personal freedom is a mystical synthesis of opposite poles that has no equal.

So there you have it. What we have is special, but it’s not unattainable. You have to believe it’s possible, want it to be so, find that place in your body where it exists, and live there.

What does a successful relationship look like? #relationships #love #marriage
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MAUDE

So, what is a successful relationship, anyway? What does it mean, and even more importantly, how does it feel? Recently we posed these questions and were looking for ways to talk about it that would help communicate the essence of the experience. Both our books and most of our blogs talk about successful relationships and what it takes to have one. We have shared about our own and those of other couples.

But what are the feelings associated with how we are together? For it is how we feel that makes this relationship so successful.

We feel safe and secure – We both know that we are on the same side. We want the best for each other and for our relationship. This is more important to us than any one given predetermined outcome.
We feel seen and heard – We listen to each other and take the time to acknowledge each other.
We feel supported as individuals – We do not question our differences or try to change our partner to our point of view. We listen and look for mutual solutions.
We feel relaxed and peaceful – We do not argue or fight. We have differing ideas or disagreements, but these are not argued about for a right and wrong side. We work toward the place that offers a solution for both of us, without either of us giving anything up.
We feel loved – We express appreciation, acceptance and acknowledgment. We make sure to take time just for us together, and spend time in the sacred space of each other’s presence regularly.

Would you share with us in the comments section below what a successful relationship means to you? How would it or does it feel? What words come to mind? Let’s share and help each other find ways to relate in loving and peaceful relationships. We can change ourselves and our world one relationship at a time!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we discussed the importance of authenticity in your relationship: “An authentic person is someone who is who they say they are. They aren’t pretending to be somebody different. They don’t boast of a Harvard degree; they wear a watch for the time, not for status; they’re not in constant competition with others. When they ask about you, it’s because they want to know.”

We have some great articles describing facets of this issue for you.

The Authenticity Rule (+ 9 Tips) for Forging the Relationships That Matter Most “As humans, we’re hardwired to crave praise and acceptance from those around us. We have this innate drive to be accepted by our fellow man, so we conform to the image of ourselves we feel will be greeted most receptively by everyone. There’s a problem with this, though. By conforming to an image, you do eventually find acceptance somewhere or other, but it’s probably on a superficial level. It probably isn’t about who you really are.”

Being authentic in your relationships for more positive living “So why is it important to be authentic? Because it’s a thin line between trying to please everyone and losing sight of who you are whilst you go on an impossible quest to fill up your life with other people’s needs, wants, and expectations…even though they may not actually be in line with your own needs, wants, and expectations.”

Seeking Authenticity “What does it mean for someone to be truly authentic? And how many people do you know actually fit that description? Do you feel that you’re authentic? Let’s take a look at what this word truly suggests and just what blocks us from achieving authenticity.”

The Importance of Authenticity in Your Relationship

Genuine. Real. Authentic. We know what this means for a Coach handbag or a Craftsman socket set, but what does it mean for a person? There’s no label, certificate, hologram or stitching you can check, so how do you determine that a person is authentic?

An authentic person is someone who is who they say they are. They aren’t pretending to be somebody different. They don’t boast of a Harvard degree; they wear a watch for the time, not for status; they’re not in constant competition with others. When they ask about you, it’s because they want to know. They are comfortable to be around because they aren’t judging, and because there is no hidden aspect to them; there is no need to parse their words to find out what they really mean.

That’s a pretty high ideal to live up to. Social graces exist precisely to conceal our pure unvarnished reactions to other people. We don’t tell the checkout clerk they have bad breath. Yet social graces must not harden into an impenetrable layer of politeness, leaving our true desires to gather inside until they have to force their way out. And in personal relationships, there is no room for them at all. A relationship thrives on honesty. (This assumes it is based on mutual respect and core values.)

So what does it take to be authentic? Firstly, it is much easier in a safe situation where you are fully accepted by your partner so there are no unexpected brambles as you explore the forest of your soul. Then it requires a sense of what being authentic feels like. Apart from a lucky few, we learned to wrap ourselves in a cloak woven from others’ expectations, and to strip naked is to recover a forgotten (and maybe traumatic) experience. To really be authentic requires a sense of self that realizes others will not always agree with our perceptions, and that this is not a challenge to who we are. We need to rediscover the sense of true self, where our responses come from ourselves, not from fear of consequences or expectations of others.

How do you determine a person to be authentic? #relationships #love #marriage #blogs #podcast
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From the earliest time when we both realized we were entering a relationship, we had a safe, secure sense with each other. This came from each of us having worked on ourselves and acquiring a good sense of who we are, although this is clearly an ongoing process. Each of us functions as a separate individual in our partnership. We each feel seen and heard by the other, as well as accepted without judgment, and this has supported being fully ourselves. We maintain this through an open communication about who we are both individually and with respect to the relationship.

We feel that this kind of communication is a really empowering element and highly encourage you, if you have not yet developed this level of communicating, to find a method to do so. Instead of guessing, or ruminating on what each person feels and thinks, it is vital to actually speak to each other regularly. Many pitfalls can be avoided by the pleasurable practice of talking with your mate.

Remember in all such interactions, you are on the same side. You are partners. Speak from the “I” about how you feel or think and listen to each other without interruption. Give honest feedback in a loving and kind manner.

Another characteristic of authenticity is presence. You are fully there with your partner with your attention, your interest, and a desire to understand and support. This kind of presence is palpable and will usually elicit a response in kind. When both of you are lovingly present with each other, sharing in an honest open manner, amazing things can occur. Creative solutions which hadn’t occurred to either, suddenly manifest themselves. The feeling of trust and peace that pervades the relationship is unparalleled. We wish this for everyone. May we spread peace one relationship at a time

As James said in one of our couples interview:

Before I met Rita, I was dating, and it just got so frustrating because you meet somebody and put up a front to be more attractive, but then ultimately you have to be honest, so I just decided that I’d had enough. I wasn’t going to care about anything any more, and just live my life. So when I would meet somebody, I would just be completely honest and open right on the very first date, and tell her everything about me. All the stuff I’d done right, all the stuff I’d done wrong – just no secrets! And then, if you still want to meet for another date or something that’s great, but I’m not going to put up a front.

How Two: Have a Successful Relationship

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we asked how do you know if this is the right relationship for you. Some good articles here looking at various aspects of this question.

3 Ways to Know When a Relationship Isn’t Right for You “I was going out with a wonderful man. He was generous and caring and had a great sense of humor. He treated me well and attended to my every need. But something just wasn’t right. I battled with myself for over a month. Every time a fear surfaced about how quickly things were moving, I smoothed it over with a shrug or a hug or a reminder of how lucky I was to have found someone with whom to share my life.”

4 Ways to Figure Out If You’re With the Right Person or Not “For men and women in the early stages of a relationship—dating, moving in, or even engaged—there’s often one lingering question in the air. Skeptical friends and risk-averse relatives alike may ask it. Your girlfriend’s mother may turn to you at dinner party and ask, ‘I just have to know…what makes my daughter The One?’ Or your bachelorette party may be coming to its sloppy conclusion when your maid-of-honor blurts, ‘Are you sure you wanna spend the rest of your life with him?'”

How Do You Know that You’re with the Right Person? “At some point in most relationships, people ask themselves the same question, “Is this one the right person for me?” Whether you’re brand new or seven years in, it’s an inevitable question. The question isn’t necessarily born out of doubt or insecurity. It can be a normal, healthy skepticism to try and balance out your romantic, attachment feelings for your significant other. We may love someone immensely, but still not be compatible with him or her in the long-term.”

Is This the Right Relationship for You?

How do you know if the person you are dating is right for you? If the answer were obvious, there wouldn’t be so many advice columnists. How do you make your way through a fog of conflicting messages? What can you trust from your responses?

It’s important to listen to your feelings, both positive and negative. Perhaps you’re embarrassed by your partner’s boorish treatment of the wait staff at a restaurant. Maybe you don’t feel an intense flash of sexual attraction, but you are still interested. Could be you always enjoy their company even through they’re outside your social class, live 2,000 miles away or aren’t in your age group.

In building relationships, these gut feelings are very important, and don’t need any rational justification to be valid. But they can be about either of two people, and one of them is you. They might reflect your prejudice, your expectation or your previous experience. He doesn’t know the correct use of cutlery; she never folds the grocery bags; he never notices your haircut. Maybe these things are more about you and your demands and expectations about how the world should be.

Or maybe your gut feelings are about your partner. His treatment of the waiter is not how we should treat each other. Her white lies show she doesn’t take responsibility for her actions. His approach to money shows he always puts himself first.

Is this the right relationship for you? What to look out for. #relationships #love
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By looking at your feelings in these ways, you can tease out what your core values are and how well your partner holds them, too. Without matching core values, any relationship has at best a rocky foundation.

Another way to look at your relationship is to ask if you’re in it due to need or want. We all have needs, and social connections are high on the list, but putting these early responses in perspective is important: how incomplete do you feel without a partner? If you’re relying on another person to fill that hole, then know that it never works for long, and it can cause you to overlook a whole bunch of failings in the other person. Work on yourself first and you will be entering a relationship to share, not to fill a void.

It takes time to judge how suitable your partner is. Over time you can start to see patterns, good or bad, in how they live in the world. You’ll see how they respond in difficult circumstances – a car wreck, an illness, a confrontation. If you started out with the intense attraction of falling in love, that can cloud your judgment for a while, but in time, you can better judge how compatible you are, sexually and otherwise.

Get some input from your friends. Don’t act on what they say about your partner, but don’t ignore it either. You can see things they can’t, and they can see things you can’t. Throw that in the mix.

Good luck in deciding. Don’t be picky and don’t be a patsy. Give it the time needed to decide if your core values match, but don’t remain undecided forever.

Friday Feature: The Effects of Diabetes on Relationships

This week we’re pleased to share a guest post by By Elisabeth Almekinder RN, BA, CDE. It was originally posted on her site.

She asks will you leave your SO (significant other) because of diabetes?

Committed relationships are hard enough. When you add a chronic illness into the mix of everyday problems, it can place undue stress on a relationship. Do you leave your spouse or partner with diabetes when the going gets tough, or do you stick it out and work together to solve problems that come up, “in sickness and in health?” These are questions you may be asking yourself if you have been going through a tough time in your relationship or marriage due to diabetes. If your partner is in a state of denial and they are refusing to participate in self-care activities or listen to their doctor, this can be quite frustrating. You may be getting burnt out from always trying to fix the right amount of carbohydrates, only to catch your other half in the back room hiding with a box of candy. Feeling like you are the “diabetes police” and always nagging drains the joy out of your relationship. The spouse of a diabetic can feel a loss of control over the future, and be afraid that they will lose their life partner.

Conversely, if you are the diabetic in the match, you tend to get quite aggravated with all of the nagging and “sugar-shaming” that can be going on. Maybe your partner didn’t support you by attending diabetes education classes, and now she doesn’t seem to know that it’s ok for you to have an occasional treat. Maybe she doesn’t realize that you are having the extra carbohydrates, but you have a walk planned for after the meal. Sometimes you feel misunderstood. It’s true that diabetes can take a physical, mental and financial toll on a relationship. Remember that your overbearing and controlling partner is acting from a place of genuine caring and concern for you. Now let’s look at the different situations and problems that can cause a strain on a marriage or relationship due to diabetes.

Physical problems that may affect a relationship

Problems with intimacy due to nerve damage from diabetic neuropathy can cause strife in a relationship. Women can get vaginal dryness with diabetes around menopause. This can result in painful intercourse. Men can have erectile dysfunction. If a couple has difficulty in the bedroom with erectile dysfunction or dryness and painful intercourse, this may affect the level of desire a couple has for each other, and lead to many problems in the relationship. The main thing is to talk about it to each other, and to your health care provider. Use some of the different communication skills discussed in this article. There are many medications on the market that can help a man with diabetes and erectile dysfunction. There are even surgeries for penile implants if Viagra, Cialis or the other ED medicines don’t work as well as hoped. For women, there are a variety of vaginal crèmes available to aid in lubrication to make sexual intercourse more enjoyable. Hormone replacement therapy may help, and a woman should discuss these issues with her doctor or gynecologist.

The financial burden of diabetes

Other relationship issues can be finances, due to the high cost of medical care for a diabetic. If diabetes is out of control, and the partner with diabetes does little to keep it in control, then the financial burden can become great as health deteriorates and the complications of diabetes set in. The long term complications can indeed be devastating to patients and families and pose an undue financial burden. In speaking with one woman, who lost her husband at age 51 due to complications of diabetes, she expressed anger over the fact that he never took care of himself. “He died so young, and left me and my girls with little or no support. Thank goodness I still had my job, but at age 70, I still have to work. I can’t help but feel angry. If he had taken care of himself, he could have been here for us. I miss him.”

When your spouse is not supportive

During initial Diabetes Self-Management Education sessions, the certified diabetes educator asks questions about a client’s level of family and community support. These sessions can be quite telling, and many different relationship dynamics can be picked up on. One woman sat in the clinic room with her “common law husband.” He seemed to be interested in her care, and said that he does some of the cooking and would like to attend diabetes education classes with her. When asked about stress, the young woman glanced toward her partner, and stated that they have relationship issues. She quickly stated that she did not want to discuss it at that time. The interview proceeded. She was asked about emergency room visits. She turned to her partner and stated, “Did I go to the Emergency Room when you dropped that TV on my arm?” At that point, there was suspicion of abuse, so the woman was asked to come back to a clinic room alone to discuss with the social worker issues that she may be having at home. She was able to confide in the social worker about abuse by her partner, and get help in a battered women’s shelter. This woman did end up getting a divorce, as she had no true support and was in an abusive relationship. Her blood sugars were high in part due to the stress the abuse was causing.

This is an extreme example and most often, a lack of support shows up in other ways. A woman came to diabetes class, distraught that her husband backed out of coming to her diabetes education visit at the last minute. “He gives me no support,” she said. “Last night he brought home a dozen doughnuts. I try to get him to take a walk with me after supper, but he won’t. I feel like I have to do everything on my own, and he is always fighting me on it. If I am trying to stick to my plan, he tempts me by eating all the wrong things in front of me. I am so frustrated. How can I get my husband to support me in my efforts to stay healthy with diabetes?

When the support your spouse gives you is getting on your nerves

“She just nags me all the time,” stated one man with diabetes. “When I am trying to do what I am supposed to do, my wife stays on me constantly. She criticizes every bite of food that I put in my mouth. Being supportive of me is one thing, but I feel like she is always trying to be my boss. I’m an adult, and I can take care of myself.”

From what this man said, he might appreciate an extra nudge now and then to resist a tempting dessert, or a reminder to take his medication, but men tend to want to take charge of things. Having his wife constantly telling him what to do served to increase his anxiety. Provoking anxiety, frustration and even depression in your partner with diabetes is counter-productive for their diabetes, and will actually cause blood sugars to go higher.

Another woman with diabetes complained that her spouse was supportive in the beginning, but now that she is self-managing and doing so well with it, he tends to not take her so seriously anymore. “Oh, go ahead and have 2 brownies,” he said. “It won’t hurt you.” This bothered her, making her feel that he is minimizing the steps that she needs to take to stay healthy for him and for the whole family.

How can you be supportive without being overbearing?

Any chronic illness can be a stress on a relationship. Diabetes is no different. So what are some of the ways that we can be supportive for our partner with diabetes without making them feel like we are constantly nagging, taking notes and taking prisoners? One thing that we can do is that we can let go. We can accept the things that we can change, and we can accept the things that we cannot change. We can be there for support of our partner with diabetes, but we cannot make them do anything that they do not want to do. In this way, we accept that we cannot control the other person, and respect that they are a human being capable of making decisions. Even if those decisions do not necessarily go along with the decision that we would have made for them, we allow them to make their own decisions with respect to their diabetes.

This does not mean that we do not support them. As a partner, we can be particularly helpful when it comes to grocery shopping and preparing diabetes friendly meals. If it comes to slapping their hand when they go for seconds, we have crossed the line from supportive to overbearing. When we draw up their insulin and give it to them when they are perfectly capable of doing it for themselves, we are not allowing them to self-manage. We are trying to control their behavior, and that is annoying.

For the diabetic, letting your significant other know how you feel, and being clear about the level of support you require will make it easier for your partner to figure out what they can do for you, or also what may make you feel helpless and brow-beaten. Have a long, deep conversation, where you explore what kinds of tasks your partner could do that would be helpful for you. Also, make it clear to your partner those tasks that you feel up to taking on yourself. Those tasks should then be off limits for your partner to nag you about. Make it clear that you will handle certain things for yourself, and ask clearly for what you want or need. Always include your partner when it comes to decisions concerning your health. As a couple, you are a team. However, your partner should realize that any decision about personal health is ultimately yours to make.

Use “I” messages instead of “You” messages

Everyone can agree that communication is the key in any relationship. This is especially true of a marriage or long term relationship where there is a commitment involved. When you communicate with your spouse or significant other, it’s a good idea to use “I” messages instead of “you” messages. An “I” message is an appropriate way to express our feelings, without putting the other person on the defensive. Thomas Gordon coined the term “I” messages in the 60’s, when he learned to use them when doing play therapy with children. Let’s look at some examples of “I” messages versus “You” messages, and see how they differ in the way they can make us feel.

“You” message example

Partner 1: You forgot to take your medicine.

Partner 2: That’s because you were running me late!

Partner 1: You’re always forgetting your medicine. Why can’t you be more responsible?

Partner 2: If you would quit nagging me so much, I might be (crossing arms).

Do you see how in the “You” message example, the diabetic partner is immediately put on the defensive? He or she crosses their arms, shutting off any further communication between the two. Now let’s look at a more effective way of communicating with “I” messages.

“I” message example

Partner 1: I’m starting to feel like I’m going to be unhealthy if I don’t get my blood sugars under control.

Partner 2: I know it worries you. How can I help? Can I do anything for support?

Partner 1: I think if I could be reminded to take my medicine at night that would help. I tend to forget it at night.

Partner 2: That’s a good idea. I can give a reminder.

Partner 1: That’s great help. Then maybe my blood sugar will come down if I remember my nighttime dose. Thanks for supporting me.

In addition to using “I” messages instead of “You” messages, another good phrase to use when trying to get across your feelings is “When this happens…I feel… “Some people find this helpful to get their point across without placing the other person on the defensive. Other communication techniques that are important to communication in general may also help. Try waiting a few seconds after the other person has finished expressing an idea before giving a response. This will help us to practice good listening, which is also essential for excellent communication between committed people, or anyone. You can also practice repeating what you think that you heard the other person say. In this way, you are able to clarify your partner’s thought, and make sure you really understood the intent of the communication. For example, when your spouse states, “I don’t like to give myself a shot,“ you may say, “Something about having to give yourself a shot is bothering you. Can you tell me what bothers you about it?”

Is it time for marriage or couples counseling?

Let’s say you’ve tried the communication skills listed above. If things still do not seem to get any better between you and your partner, there is marriage and couples counseling available. It can sometimes help to talk out your problems with an impartial party. Your minister, priest, rabbi, or other religious leader may be able to provide marriage or couples counseling for you, often at no cost. However, they do know you so they would not be considered impartial. If you prefer to go the professional route for a therapist, look for a therapist with at least a master’s degree and experience in working with committed couples. You may also ask if they have special expertise in working with couples who are having difficulty relating to each other due to a chronic illness that one has. Ask around to find a therapist who you will both be comfortable to talk with. If your spouse or significant other refuses to go to counseling, go on your own anyway. It can help you personally to talk with someone about it, even when your partner won’t.

In the end, marriage and relationships are important. It is almost always beneficial to work on a commitment that you have made to another person. True, a chronic illness with all that goes along with it, can strain any marriage or relationship. Many situations in life will try to pull a couple apart. The main thing is to keep the lines of communication wide open, and have a mutual respect for one another. Hopefully with these communication tips and advice, you will be feeling less stress on your marriage or relationship due to diabetes, and move closer to your happily ever after.

Questions and Answers

If my spouse is not supporting me with my diabetes, what can I do to let him/her know that I need help?

Use specific “I” messages to let your spouse know how you feel. These are less intimidating than “you” messages, and don’t put the other person on the defensive.

Should I leave my spouse due to a diagnosis of diabetes?

Marriage is a commitment, and there are many things in life that may cause you to feel like you want to run from your marriage. Only you can fully decide if you want to stay married to your spouse or not. However, when something is important to you, trying some communication techniques or marriage counseling may help you to repair your union. Diabetes can be managed, and people go through phases of the disease where they move from denial to acceptance. How your spouse feels about self-managing their diabetes today may be different than how they feel about it tomorrow. Things may get better.

If I am having erectile dysfunction, and it is affecting our sex life, what can I do about it?

Talk to your doctor. There are a variety of medications that can be useful for ED and work quite well. Poor blood sugar control contributes to erectile dysfunction, so this is usually a good motivator for men to get their blood sugar under better control.

I am having vaginal dryness and painful sex. What can I use to help with this?

There are several over-the-counter crèmes that you can purchase to help with vaginal lubrication and painful sexual intercourse. Ask your pharmacist to help you pick out a product that will work for you.

Our marriage is stressed out due to the financial burden of my diabetes. I don’t have any insurance, and I can’t afford my insulin. Then I get sicker, and it strains our marriage even worse. What should I do?

Apply for Medicaid or the Affordable Care Act insurance if you have not already done so. If you do not qualify, or the subsidies offered with the Affordable Care Act are still not affordable to you, find a free or reduced clinic where you can get medical care. Check about the website for the drug company who makes your insulin. Each company has a program where indigent patients can get free insulin. You will fill out an application that you will submit to the drug company. Talk with a local Medical Social worker about available programs in your area, and about the process for applying to Medicaid or the ACA.

Last but not least make sure to read Riva’s story here https://diabetesstories.com/2016/04/16/sharing-something-most-intimate-my-blood-sugar/

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we wrote about the heart of the matter – having a peaceful relationship. These articles look at the difference between partnership and competitive behavior.

Are You Competing in Your Relationship? “One of the cardinal rules of marriage is to recognize that you and your spouse are on the same team; at least you should be. Yes, we live in a world that is rife with competition…. In a relationship where we feel celebrated and supported, we are motivated to rise above our daily challenges. This in fact empowers us to be our best self and redounds to the benefit of the relationship.”

The ‘I’m Right, You’re Wrong’ Argument in Couples Therapy “….Being right gives you a rush of dopamine—the brain chemical associated with winning and victory. You may feel strong—even invincible. The problem with needing to be right is that if we hold it too tightly, it becomes a necessary component for feeling good in the relationship…. Effectively, this game creates division. We all want to be on the right side of the wall—not the wrong side. But that means your partner has to be on the wrong side. The more this dynamic is strengthened, the thicker that wall becomes, creating more division.”

Power struggles: Why being right can make everything wrong “To discontinue engaging in a power struggle, you need to move away from the adversarial energy of competition and control (me vs. you, I’m the boss and you’re not, I’m better/smarter than you are) to one of cooperation and camaraderie (We are a team. We can work this out. I cherish you.). Reconnection and the return to love can literally be just a heartbeat away. It involves taking a pause, becoming present and open to attune and commune in the spirit of curiosity, compassion and clemency. It’s about treating your partner as your best friend”