Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 90

Are There More Successful Relationships Than You Think?

Maude met someone the other day who shared the tale of celebrating his 35th wedding anniversary. Grinning and happy, he explained that he and his wife had taken time out and gone away on a trip together to celebrate. They went to a favorite seaside hotel that they had frequented in the early days of their relationship. They had agreed not to exchange gifts, so he was a bit taken off guard when she produced a large bow-covered gift-wrapped box. He felt bad, as he had stuck by the agreement and not gotten anything. She kept assuring him it “wasn’t anything really!” He opened the box and found their honeymoon laid out before him. In it were the two diaries they had kept on their original 3-week honeymoon traveling around Europe, along with ticket stubs and many other souvenirs. They had a wonderful time going over the memorabilia and took turns reading their diaries out loud to each other!

As much as he enjoyed and treasured this anniversary experience, he also talked about the nature of celebrations, and how they treated every day as a celebration. He felt that these daily sharings and acknowledgments of each other were far more important than special events, and contributed greatly to the happy and peaceful relationship they have.

We’ve written about that, too, but the point we want to make today is that there are many couples in contented, long-term relationships. This is not just an isolated experience that we write about. It truly is shared by many.

But that’s not a generator of dramatic headlines. A lot of the literature is about problems and how to solve them. Peaceful couples don’t appear on “The Jerry Springer Show.” When relationships are only portrayed as having an inevitable competitive side, people will have that expectation, and change their behavior to match, or at least to accept its arrival with resignation.

It’s a mindset we’re talking about here, and it thrives in a culture that worships competition, that describes economies as dog eat dog, survival of the fittest, the law of the jungle. And yet cooperation is in our nature. We work together growing wheat, milling it and baking it; spinning, weaving and making clothes; and these collaborations are so ubiquitous that we no longer see them. Despite this, the over-riding message in society is that of competition, and this model is what we carry into our relationships.

Many couples are in contented, long-term relationships. Want to know how they do it? #relationships
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But when two people have the same goals and values, it is completely unnecessary. Arguments arise from not realizing that there are multiple ways to get your needs met. There are many wonderful relationships to model on, and processes that can be used to achieve this kind of partnering.

So look past the external messages so frequently pushed in the media, into your heart. Can you imagine a peaceful relationship? If you can, you’re almost there. We hope we can bring you some ways to achieve that goal. Let’s all spread peace, one relationship at a time.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

This week in our blog we discussed how being all in helps your relationship. Here are some articles discussing this topic.

Are You Fully Present in Your Relationship or Marriage? “You know that feeling you get when you’re talking to your partner or spouse and they don’t seem to be “there there?” By that, I mean, a part of them is somewhere else, and it’s not with you. You might wonder where their mind is, or feel insulted or hurt that they’re not being fully present in your company.”

Are You Being Fully Present In Your Relationship? “Being fully present in a relationship – how hard is that? Is it too much of an ask for a generation that boasts of being busy, being multi-taskers and virtually connected all the time? We take pride in “being busy” so much so that being busy has become a confirmation of our worthiness. A relationship sometime gets lost in our long “to-do” list.”

In The Moment: Staying Present in Your Relationship “IMAGINE AN ELDERLY COUPLE, hand in hand, strolling through your local farmer’s market. The sweetness, the gentleness, the blissfulness inevitably prompt thoughts of, I want that someday. An eagerness to dream about a relationship’s future— or similarly, to dwell in its past— steers us from enjoying the moment. The kind of timeless moment you witnessed the elderly couple having as they strolled through the market.”

 

Why Being All In is Important for Your Relationship

Maude came up with the phrase “all in” the other night, and that simple phrase crystallized how we experience our relationship.

You’ve probably been in a conversation with someone who keeps checking his cell phone. “Uh huh, I’m listening.” Or you’ve worked on a project with someone who doesn’t pull their weight because – oh, they always have a reason, but after the nth time, they start sounding like excuses. Or it’s the worker who does a sloppy job, even though she’s capable of so much more.

What’s missing in these cases? They’re not all in, and it shows. Phil used to check email while on the phone with Maude, and she could unerringly pick up on that. The experience of being with someone who is all in is tangible.

It’s rarely that the distracted part of you is doing anything useful. The efficiency of multi-tasking has been exposed as an illusion – we’re actually switching attention constantly between several tasks, and switching like that has a cost. “Multitaskers performed much worse on cognitive and memory tasks that involved distraction than did people who said they preferred to focus on single tasks.” (Chronicle of Higher Education.) So why do we act this way? Is it because we crave stimulation, and multiple sources are better than one? Or is it because our attention is like a dog off the leash, running around and sniffing at everything within range?

When we do not find enough stimulation in one source, it’s rarely because that source is boring; instead, it’s because we are not paying sufficient attention.

Being all in, being present, is important for your relationship #quote #relationships #presence
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But the rewards of attention are great, because the more we examine something, the more detail we find in it, like a fractal. Paying attention to the breath is a great example; if you’ve never meditated, you may not believe the power of this seemingly pointless exercise.

When you bring your full attention to your partner, when you are all in, both of you benefit immensely. For us, this phrase describes the deepest aspect of our union with each other. It includes our physical, mental and spiritual presence. There is nothing held back, nothing hidden or unavailable. When we approach each other, when we join, we are fully present.

This kind of presence with each other creates an unbreakable bond between us. It strengthens us and renews us. It makes interacting with the many problems and conflicts of the world much easier. It nourishes and supports us.

We are joined in this amazing way without giving up anything of our individual identities. In fact, we are each much more as individuals due to this sharing with each other. We know that neither of us will ever attack the other. We will not withdraw our presence and attention. We know that we will not be forced to defend ourselves to each other. We are loyal, monogamous and committed for the long term. This is what provides us with the underpinning to experience this kind of all in presence.

We believe that this kind of connection is achievable for many couples and is worth aiming for if you haven’t experienced this level of sharing in your relationship.

For each couple, there will be a different basis of behavior that will make this experience possible. They will have their own needs and circumstances that will allow them access to this state of being. Do you know what yours are? Have you two discussed this kind of thing with each other? What makes you feel safe? This can be a fruitful conversation between you and will help you to find out more about each other and what you can create together for the most fulfilling union.

Being all in is tantamount to being present, but by using a different phrase, we can grasp it differently. Being all in is like all of the pieces of you are in the same box. There is no feeling of part of you missing. You can move as a whole. Be all in with the next task, pleasure or person in your life. Once you have experienced this type of presence, you will want as much as you can get!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

This week in our blog we discussed how little changes can have big results. Here are some interesting discussions of the effect of little changes in your relationship.

9 New Ways to Deepen Your Relationship Bond “If you’re in a happy partnership, married or not, you can keep it that way or make it even better by introducing a few new behaviors and small changes into the relationship. While many relationship experts say you need to focus on fixing what’s wrong, my research shows that adding positive behaviors to the relationship has a much greater impact on couples’ happiness.”

Small Changes Make Big Differences “in all the research I’ve done over the years, it is clear that having a great marriage or healing a broken one is usually dependent on the little things, not the big ones! And hundreds of marriage therapists have confirmed this. Most marriage breakdowns are not caused by what you might call the deep, systemic big-ticket problems—for example, by one spouse being a blackout alcoholic or having been sexually abused as a child. Those problems do happen and it is tragic when they do, but they aren’t the majority of cases.”

13 Small Changes that Greatly Improve Your Relationship “Change is not an easy thing to make in a relationship, especially if you’ve been together long-term. It’s not uncommon for couples to sink so deeply into habits and routines that they forget to put effort into their relationship, or they simply can’t tell the difference between what works and what doesn’t anymore…. Well, the good news is that you can change everything about your current situation and empower your relationship. It doesn’t even take massive effort on your part. All you need to do is to implement the tiniest of changes in your routine. and you’ll be shocked at how much of a positive impact it’ll have on your relationship and your life.”

 

Little Changes Can Have Big Results in Your Relationship

The other day, Maude created a big shift in our life together. She didn’t plan it that way at all.

As we’ve shared here before, we spend time each evening in what we call our sacred space. During this time we are with each other for the sole purpose of being together. It really doesn’t matter what our activities are during that time. It is about taking time out of whatever else is on our mutual or individual plates, to be with each other, to share and laugh and love together. We hang out, talk, do the crossword, Phil reads aloud, we watch Netflix, or are sexual. The latter usually consumes all the time, as we take a bath, indulge in foreplay and treat the entire time as holy. When one or both of us has an evening event, we usually forgo the sexual aspect of our sacred space, because at some time we must have decided that we would be too tired for that kind of intimacy.

We’ve been busy recently, and Maude suggested that just because there was little time left of the evening didn’t have to mean that we couldn’t share sexually. A few days later when we talked about this, we found that for both of us, it was a liberating idea. Bingo. A reframing.

Just a little change in thought or deed can have big consequences. Both of us felt a refreshing sense of openness and newness. We felt a lovely breeze come wafting through our house! We were free to do as we pleased, and realized we had fallen into a pattern without even realizing it. Don’t misunderstand: there had been no problems and no dissatisfaction; we had been perfectly happy during this time, but the opening up of different possibilities created an exciting and vitalizing effect.

Small changes can have big results! #quote #relationships
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Another example is from years ago, when we lived in two separate houses. We spent about five nights a week sleeping together, making the decision jointly during the day. It was a very pleasant time – we each had our own space and our own time, and each other as well. One day we decided, almost on a whim, to sleep together every night.

The change in our relationship surprised both of us. It was a big step forward in intimacy, despite the fact that we hadn’t been holding anything back. The removal of that little step of making a sleeping decision changed our mental landscapes.

We’ve started playing consciously with little changes, and it’s been lots of fun. Throw things up in the air every now and then, and let them come down differently. This is one good way of staying present in your time together. All too often, patterns can be repeated for expediency or because they work well, and slowly, without realizing it, they become habits that can lead to less real time connection, even creating distance between partners.

We have had a specific work schedule for creating our weekly blog and newsletter for quite a while now. Recently, we had to alter it to accommodate other plans. We went away for a few days to celebrate our anniversary, we had a party to go to and we were involved in a community event during the time we usually work on these projects. We found a different way to accomplish our goals and again, this turned into a really freeing shift, reminding us that we had designed the work schedule and could change it at will.

The lesson from these stories is that even when you are cozy and comfortable, change can be good, and the results can be more than you imagined possible. Life is a balance between order and chaos. Without order, we disintegrate, but too much order makes us crystalline, inflexible, brittle, static. Change is what creates variety, expansion, creativity, novelty and growth. We invite you to try this and see what it brings to your relationship. Try altering your regular behavior and patterns by adding different or new ways to your time together. Being present with each other is such a wonderful thing! Don’t let that slip away for lack of paying attention. Small changes can have big results!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

This week in our blog we discussed giving and receiving love, and we’ve found some great articles about this.

5 Reasons Why Receiving Is Harder Than Giving “…there are hidden downsides to prioritizing giving over receiving. I’m referring to interpersonal relating, not social policy, which could use a hearty dose of the golden rule. Is it difficult for you to receive love, caring, and compliments? Do you silently squirm inside when someone offers a kind word or a present—or do you allow yourself to deeply receive the gift of kindness, caring, and connection?”

How To Strike the Right Balance Between Giving and Receiving Love “Love is not a balance sheet. Having said that, we don’t wish to be the one that is giving all of the time or receiving all of the time as it can create resentment on the part of the giver. So, how do we balance this? Give when you desire to give and don’t give when you consider the giving an obligation. This is being respectful of you.”

The Importance of Learning How to Receive Love “Why is receiving seen as such a negative thing? It can be seen as selfish, taking, needy, wrong, etc. Yet receiving is half of the equation for reciprocity – without a receiver, you can’t have a giver…. It’s almost like as a society we have all been given this message that the highest form of value is to give, and that value is determined by whoever gives the most or whoever serves the most.”

 

You Have to Accept Love So You Can Feel Loved

Last week in our blog, we wrote “Learning to accept love is one of the great skills of life.” This line came from the way Phil used to handle compliments some years ago. He would deflect compliments about, say, a salad with a disclaimer like “Oh, but it had too much onion.”

There are a number of things to point out here. Firstly, love is being used in the broadest possible sense. A deflection about the balance of onion can come from feeling unable to make a salad that meets the standards that other people demand. Even when being praised for the salad, Phil did not feel worthy of that praise and love.

This changed when Phil recognized the absurdity of this behavior, and instead started responding to compliments with “Thank you.”

This little story about salad is meant to illustrate a point about interpersonal love. We all want to be loved, but for that to come to pass, we must be able to accept it when it arrives. That means that we must feel worthy of love, and we must love ourselves, not in the narcissistic sense of thinking we are perfect, but in the sense of accepting ourselves, flaws, imperfections, mistakes and all.

When first together, Maude would often tell Phil what she admired in him and the aspects of his personality and behavior that she loved. He couldn’t take it in and accept it, at first. He usually replied “No one else has ever said that about me. In fact, they usually tell me the opposite.” This was another example similar to the compliments on his salad. He wasn’t initially able to recognize it for what it was, but he used it to look at himself, learn, and actually change his view of himself.

We all want to be loved; for that to happen, we must be able to accept it when it arrives #quote
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Accepting love is often about learning new things and new ways. It can be that you have never or seldom received it, or that it is being offered in a different way than you have previously experienced. It may cause you to think that if you accept love that is offered, that you will be beholden and have to give something in kind. Whatever the mechanisms that may keep you from accepting love, it is important to understand that you cannot truly give love, until you come to terms with accepting it.

That’s all about receiving love. But what about giving love? And most importantly, what about the balance of giving and receiving it? Some people are so needy that they can never be filled; whatever is offered is rejected or distorted or leaks away, and is never enough. Yet there is no shortage. Love is not a zero-sum game; the more you give, the more you have to give. Some people are Love Radio Incarnate, broadcasting 24/7 at 50,000 watts. Being loving is a wonderful trait, but it can also overwhelm its intended recipients.

The most important element in giving and receiving love within your relationship is that although the methods of delivery will vary, there has to be a balance between the partners for the relationship to be successful, joyous and peaceful. As with all things, finding balance is the secret, so find yours. Learn to give as well as receive, and celebrate a love that knows no bounds; one founded in love and carried by mutual support and respect. Each of us is unique and different and we are also all the same. Each one of us is a walking original in the way we give and receive love. Spread love one relationship at a time!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

 

This week we discussed celebrating your relationship in our blog. Here are some articles for your consideration:

8 Ways to Celebrate Your Husband (or Wife). Tonight! “A friend recently called to tell me that it had taken her a week to notice that her husband shaved off his beard. When she realized how different he looked without facial hair, she was distraught. ‘What does that say about our relationship that I didn’t notice,’ she asked me. ‘Do I ever really look at him?'”

Celebrate Your Relationship – 3 Evolutionary Ways For Men “When you notice other couples who you admire and would like to have what they have, what do you notice? Do you see a couple who are comfortable with themselves and each other or do you see a couple at odds? Are they happy and at ease in each other’s company or is their energy kind of jangly? I will go out on a limb here and say, I bet they have discovered the importance of celebrating (and evolving) their relationship.”

23 Ways to Celebrate Your Marriage “‘It’s not the traditional stuff — the big dinner out once a year, or even the regular Saturday-night dates — that pulls you together and bonds you,’ says Constance Ahrons, Ph.D. ‘It’s little bits of time stolen together and small, frequent gestures that remind you of what you have in common and your commitment to each other.'”

Successful Relationships Are Celebrated Every Day

We try to honor our birthdays and anniversaries by getting away and taking time to step back, reflect on what has been created and what is to come. We are at a wonderful Airbnb in Joshua Tree celebrating our 12th anniversary of meeting. “Anniversary of meeting”, you ask. “Didn’t you celebrate your wedding anniversary back in September?” Well, yes we did. Guilty as charged. As a matter of fact, we celebrate our union all the time.

Lovely and refreshing as these getaways are, there is a sense that they are not special, out of the ordinary acknowledgments of our relationship, because we do that every day. There is no discontinuity, no picking up threads that have been dropped, because we live our lives in the constant appreciation of each other, whether we are together or apart. We live in a state of grace and gratefulness for each other, and our time together is a quiet celebration of that.

We are sure that celebrating your relationship every day will contribute greatly to your relationship success. The longer that people are together, the easier it becomes to take each other for granted. People tend, on the whole, to become used to what is constant, and often not to actually see or notice that which is familiar and known. Strangely, this is even more the case with things that are going well or don’t present us with problems to solve.

This creates a topsy turvy kind of world experience, where the very things that we could derive sustenance and encouragement from are ignored, in favor of that which is not working, or even impacting us negatively.

We have found it the greatest joy to turn this around! We celebrate each other, being together and the pleasures of our union, as often, and in as many different ways as possible. We do this daily with simple things, not only with trips, or for special occasions (although getting out of the everyday environment and activities can be a wonderful wake up call.)

What do we mean by daily celebrating? First and foremost, we see each other, we hear each other and we listen to each other. We NEVER TAKE EACH OTHER FOR GRANTED. We set aside time daily to be with each other. We hug and kiss, and smile with each other. We touch. We have always found that making physical contact is very important to actually connecting. We share our inner thoughts with each other. We make time, no matter how busy. We do this because of our deep appreciation for each other. We see the good qualities in each other, and marvel at the combination of support and independence that make each of us so great to be around.

Learning to accept love is one of the great skills of life #relationships #quote #love
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We are not people of leisure with so much time that we can do this, in contrast to you, who say you cannot. We make the time because we have come to realize that this connection of ours fortifies and sustains us. By acknowledging and celebrating our togetherness, we garner the clarity, peace and love to face our challenges and our individual crisis. We give our attention to that which is good and can thereby handle that which is difficult.

If you have fallen into a pattern of ignoring each other, or always putting your togetherness off to a time that never comes, a radical shake up is needed. Switch it around. You’ve got it all backwards, and you are depriving yourselves of the very thing which will help you handle everything else. Celebrate your love and your lover, and bring love back into your life as the living, healing quality it is. Celebrate your relationship by seeing what is good in it, and more than that, tell your partner so. Big or small, look at what they bring into your life; breathe it in, bathe in it, feel surrounded by it, feel loved by it. Learning to accept love is one of the great skills of life. Washing the dishes or making the bed is an act of love. See it. Accept it. Acknowledge it. Celebrate it.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

 

In this week’s blog we asked if you were too snippy in your relationship. Snippiness is not a common topic, so some of these discuss contempt.

Relationship Communication: How to Talk So That Your Partner Will Listen “The guidelines for being a good listener are not just for men. These guidelines for listening and communication apply to both men and women, straight and gay, and for friendships as well. Good communication and good listening are also part of negotiating in business, as well. And, of course, rationality and problem-solving are also important.”

My boyfriend gets this impatient tone “Dear Cary, I really don’t want to say it out loud, but is kind of a stay-or-go issue. It’s about the way my boyfriend talks to me. A few times a day he gets this impatient tone in his voice that I find disrespectful and offensive. We have been together four years, and this has bothered me from the beginning. I tend to be a very sensitive person, especially in relationships, and when he has this tone, I can feel myself turning into myself and closing up.”

Overcoming Hostility, Criticism and Contempt in Your Relationships This article gives a large number of examples of people expressing contempt and hostility, and gives solutions to handle this behavior.