Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 91

Too Snippy in Your Relationship? Cut it Out!

BEING SNIPPY is something that all of us have been at some time or another. We find ourselves in a hurry and don’t take the time to stop and explain clearly. Instead we just speak or answer back quickly, and often with a nasty tone. Or we voice disapproval, impatience, or even anger, without any regard for the person we are directing it toward. We’ve all seen other people do it. We’ve all enjoyed using it against injustice. And we’ve all seen the damage it can do in a relationship.

Being snippy. Does it serve a purpose? Is it what we really want to communicate? Is it how we want to treat our loved ones, or be treated? Most likely, we would all answer no to the questions posed. And yet, not only does this behavior continue, but we tend to do it most often in our most intimate relationships.

Why is this behavior so prevalent and what can we do about it?

Often we act in a snippy and disregarding manner, or use a tone of voice that has that edge of disdain or impatience to it, because we are in a hurry. We feel secure enough that we feel we can speak curtly or without regard for feelings because we are letting off steam, under time pressure or just plain annoyed.

In our most intimate relationships we feel safe and loved, and ironically, this often leads us to display this behavior more often because we feel that our partner should accept all of us, good and bad. But this does not translate into carte blanche to assail our partner. A partnership should be two people navigating the world together, but when we snipe at our partner, we have made it one person against the world instead.

We’ve all been snippy in a relationship. Why, & what can we do about it? #relationships #quote
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Being snippy is not a full-frontal assault, but it’s an attack all the same. It blames our partner for something, usually in an oblique way. It doesn’t create good feelings or make us feel we are on the same side; instead it generates hurt feelings, a defense, or a full-blown argument. It’s a high price to pay for indiscriminate self-expression. Once we begin talking to each other in this manner, it creates a crack in the foundation of the partnership, which can only widen and become more serious with time.

If we have learned this behavior in our parental or early relationships, we may not even realize we are doing it, or how inappropriate and damaging it can be. We may have a long history of trying to make the world the way we want it by being snippy. But the history is not important; how we act today is the only thing that is relevant, and the only thing in our control.

Speak personally about what you are feeling. This changes your communication from an accusation to a revelation, a statement about yourself that is an act of trust and intimacy. You may find this hard to do at first, but by acting differently and achieving better results, you will come to appreciate the benefits of this approach.

We want to be loving with our lovers. We want to be loving and respectful, and most importantly, present in the way we act and speak. When you are present, then you are not mentally rushing to get elsewhere. Stop and listen to yourself. Listen to what you are saying. Are you conveying love and honoring your mate in the way you communicate? Does your tone of voice let them know that both of you are on the same side. Does it communicate your deep feelings and respect for them? Snippiness has no place here.

So, stop and take stock of whether or not how and what you say represents what you want your mate to hear and feel from you. Talk about it together and remind each other in gentle ways of how you want it to be between you. Don’t be snippy; cut it out!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we wrote about celebrating the many forms of love on Valentines Day. Here are some articles you might enjoy.

The 4 Types of Love We Should All Experience “Love is so nuanced that the Ancient Greeks separated it into four different types. I firmly believe that experiencing all four types of love within someone’s life is important for spiritual growth and emotional happiness.”

Different Types of Love “Most of the times, love is mistaken to be linked romantically only. And when this happens, people often fail to comprehend that love has a myriad of hues than just that. There are different types of love that people experience in life and each time they experience a particular type of love, they realize its existence in the world.”

History of Valentine’s Day “The history of Valentine’s Day–and the story of its patron saint–is shrouded in mystery. We do know that February has long been celebrated as a month of romance, and that St. Valentine’s Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. But who was Saint Valentine, and how did he become associated with this ancient rite?”

 

Celebrate the Many Forms of Love on Valentines Day

When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. Jimi Hendrix

Tuesday is Valentines Day; time to speak of love.

MAUDE: Love is often elusive to define, and yet is the underpinning of all that is real. And here we are in the season of celebrating love in all its many forms. Valentine’s day is upon us and with it so many are reflecting on this word, what it is in their lives, its presence or absence, its fulfillment or deprivation.

Love has so many delicious flavors and offers itself up full of surprises. It is a way to get to know ourselves, and by loving who we are, we are able to act from love and offer others its healing power.

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. Buddha

It is a way to approach the world and an attitude with which to relate to all that happens to us. The many and varied ways we express our love and receive love from others shape the world we live in. Each relationship offers us new possibilities to stretch the boundaries of how we experience love.

My parents were crazy in love with each other and they filled our house with it. I know this is a rare experience and probably formed me more than any other factor in my life. When I was the child and lived with them, I thought that was how it was everywhere. This peaceful relationship showed me how two lovers can be with each other. I built my house upon this love and that is where I will ever reside.

Where we love is home – home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

My first true experience of giving conscious unconditional love, came with my dear first child. The level of love, the surge of protective energy, the fierceness of emotion, was intense beyond anything I had ever known. It took me by surprise and took over my whole being. All of a sudden, there was no thinking involved at all, only love, unending, overwhelming, and ecstatic. The first night after my son was born, I had a dream in which armies were trying to harm my child and I stood my ground like Xena, and mowed them all down with a machine gun! I, who have never raised my hand to another human being, was gleefully annihilating an entire phantom army as they sought to harm my child! It was eye opening and brought a much deeper understanding of my fellow parents across the planet, and the lengths to which they will go in what they believe are the interests of their child.

There is no greater power in Heaven or on Earth than pure, unconditional love. The nature of the God force, the unseen intelligence in all things, which causes the material world and is the center of both the spiritual and physical plane, is best described as pure, unconditional love. Wayne Dyer

My children offer me this same unconditional love. They and their mates and their children are living love in my life. It grows and shocks me with its enormity, and its power to be ever more and ever greater. Although I never thought I would be one of those grandparents who couldn’t stop talking about their grandchildren and how fabulous they are, indeed I am. There is something beyond words that is the gift of this kind of love. Another mystery that is unimaginable without the actual experience, and yet is nothing more, really, than one of the many facets of love.

Unconditional love really exists in each of us. It is part of our deep inner being. It is not so much an active emotion as a state of being. It’s not ‘I love you’ for this or that reason, not ‘I love you if you love me.’ It’s love for no reason, love without an object. Ram Dass

I think of my dear sweetheart, Phil, and the wonder and joy that he brings into my life on a constant basis. He listens, hears me, and supports who I am. His love leads him to want the best for me always, and to put that at the forefront of our interactions. He shares himself; his thoughts, fears, desires, and he allows me to love him. Love must be accepted to be fully effective. Phil and I believe firmly that we can spread peace one loving relationship at a time.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Khalil Gibran

I think of my friends and the trials and tribulations we have shared together. We have talked, cried, laughed, danced, screamed, dared the impossible and supported each other in sickness and suffering, in life and through deaths, and through it all we have loved each other and stood with and for each other in love.

Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself – and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is. Jim Morrison

I think of all those who I do not understand and who seem to act from hate. I think of them and I know that they are fellow travelers, brothers and sisters on this amazing journey. And I know I must find a way to love them as they are. I may not approve of their actions, but that is not a reason to withhold love.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Martin Luther King, Jr.

PHIL: I think many men struggle with the idea of love. I know I have. I used to think of it as this grand black and white forties Hollywood passion, and sure enough, that’s what I found at the start of a relationship, but as you know, that wears off, and I found myself back in the real world, wondering where love had gone. Again and again.

I didn’t have any use for the word “love” outside this context. It was after meeting Maude that my understanding of the word changed.

We live side by side in complete harmony. We don’t poke or prod or dig at each other. We are each able to live our lives in the world without needing to bend to the other, and yet being so close brings such strength and joy, and because we are never attacked, we can be completely open and honest with each other, and this only enhances the closeness between us. There is much more about this, about the importance of belief and intention and acceptance; I could write a book about it.

My point here is that none of this fits my Hollywood understanding of love, and so I have struggled to use that word. I can say “I love that you always give me space,” or “I so admire the care you give in your work,” but I stumble on the word itself. The amazing thing is that it doesn’t matter to Maude; I am seen for who I am. There is a best-seller called “The Five Languages of Love,” and though I haven’t read it, the premise is obvious from the title. With Maude, I am so grateful that my own voice is heard.

All of this has made me reassess what love is. I feel it radiating out from me to Maude, to other people, to the blue jay who visits our front garden and has dared to take crumbs from my hand. I still can’t say what it is, only that it is.

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. Dalai Lama

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

 

In this week’s blog we wrote about attention and why it is so important in all relationships. Here are some articles discussing that.

Pay Attention. Is This The Simplest Relationship Key? “Experts also point out that paying attention to your partner is not something that always comes naturally. Once the honeymoon period is over (and you no longer find everything they say absolutely fascinating!), it’s easy to substitute genuine interest for routine chit-chat.”

Marriage and Paying Attention “couples got so busy with the details of their hurly-burly lives that they forgot why they got together in the first place. The “we” got lost. Who has time for courting or fooling around or taking a walk or doing nothing when every hour and minute has been preempted by the unlimited details of the modern, upscale, child-centered suburban quest for a better lifestyle in a bigger house in a better neighborhood? You have so much to do that it’s hard to pay attention to your spouse, to be sensitive when he or she needs some downtime, some solitude with the soulmate, a little smooching or TLC.”

The Price of a Great Relationship? Paying Attention “Paul says she’s not the only one who feels that way. All he ever hears from her is that he’s supposed to remember to pick the kids up from school on Tuesday, or that it’s the night to take the trash to the curb, or not to forget that Nan’s recital is Friday night. What they both so desperately want from each other is simply some personal attention. It’s what we all want from each other, in all of our personal relationships.”

Why is Attention Important in Your Relationship?

To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work. Mary Oliver

You probably think the whole world is in focus, like a photograph. It isn’t. Place your finger a few inches away from here, focus on it, and try to read the next sentence. You can’t. The fovea, the center of the eye, is a small region where we see sharply, and the brain pretends that the rest is in focus as well. Attention is like that, too. Think of it as a flashlight, or a torch if you’re British. You only see what it is pointing at.

We often swing it wildly around, as if we are in a forest on a moonless night, checking for branches, gullies, predators and prey. And we’re not fully in control of it either, as anyone who has tried to meditate will attest. It is as if someone else also has hold of the flashlight handle, and keeps taking command.

Our language reflects this continual change of focus. “My attention was caught by….” “Let me draw your attention to….” “Pay attention!”

That is, in many ways, a good thing. The smoke alarm demands attention even when we’re engrossed in “Game of Thrones,” just as we see movement in our peripheral vision.

And what we pay attention to is not only events in the outside world; it’s often internal. The past or the future preoccupies us, and we switch attention to our senses just enough to avoid walking into the furniture.

You can only see your partner to the extent that you pay attention #relationships #quote
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Now apply all of this to your relationships with other people, whether acquaintances or your lover. If you’re not paying attention, you won’t see them. If you’re continually switching attention, you will only see them a little. When you give them your full attention, they become, for that time, your entire world. You see them for who they are, though of course filtered by your beliefs and prejudices. And this other person, whether a checkout clerk or your lover, can feel your gaze, will respond to your attention, because our reactions are very much social in nature.

It is only through attention that a relationship exists at all. If you pay no attention, that person does not even exist for you. When you walk with someone, you pay attention to pace and direction, lest you become two separate bodies in the crowd, and so it is in a relationship: it is your true attention to each other that holds it together and makes it real.

When that attention becomes mutual full attention, a sacred space is created, that special way of being together that we have recently written about. By not paying attention to past events or future concerns, you can be present to yourself and to your partner. When your mind is not filled up with concerns and your attention is not directed elsewhere, you will experience the magic and fullness of union with another.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we wrote about why you need time apart in your relationship. We have some links about this for you.

Be Apart to Stay Together “New research shows that happy long-married couples often say their secret is, “We give each other space.” According to an unpublished study by Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, having enough space or privacy in a relationship is more important for a couple’s happiness than having a good sex life.”

10 Relationship benefits of spending time away from your partner “If you are part of a couple there are many benefits alone-time can bring to your relationship. Here are some tips for how to make the most of your time with yourself in order to benefit your partnership.”

Why spending time apart is super healthy for your relationship (pdf) “The fact that you are married or committed to each other does not mean that you have to spend all your time together. This is such a common misunderstanding in many couples. They tend to believe that the fact that you spend a week holidays apart or that you have a night out with your friends are signs that something is wrong with your relationship. Not at all!”

 

 

Why You Need Time Apart in Your Relationship

I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other. Rainer Maria Rilke

In a recent blog we discussed sacred space and how important it is to create time on a regular basis for you and your partner to be together. The complement of sacred space is finding time to be apart. We say complement because these are both important and they work best when both are balanced within your relationship.

It is vital to a peaceful relationship to create time apart, outside of the obligations and responsibilities of work, upkeep activities and childcare, to name a few. This should be unscheduled time that is yours to fill as you will with friends, other activities, and even being entirely alone. The key part here is that you are enjoying time without your partner, as well as the sacred regular time you two take to be together.

This is important because we all need a sense of self. The question of the nature of the self and the extent to which we measure ourselves by the judgments of others are complex issues, and we don’t want to dive into that here. We are both individual and connected – to our partner, to others, to the universe – and the more we can recognize both aspects of that paradox, the more balanced and alive we can be

It is vital to a peaceful relationship to create time apart. #relationships #quote #marriage #dating
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One of the great things you will recognize when you do this regularly is that although you are not with your partner, you do not feel separated from them. In order to have this wonderful connected understanding, you need to feel trust and know there is an unqualified commitment from both of you to the relationship. This kind of connection fosters two distinct individuals who are able to also function as, and partake of, a merged self through union. There is an art to learning how to function together and at the same time maintain your distinct individuality, and learning and practicing this strengthens each of you and your partnership.

This lack of a sense of disconnection makes it wonderfully natural to move back and forth between time together and time apart without any tension or disruption of the relationship. The overriding understanding that you are both on the same side and the knowledge that you are always in support of each other brings with it a profound sense of peace and freedom.

By being conscious of the balance of intimacy and separation, and how each fulfill our needs for connection and integrity, you will expand your world.

Phil and Maude’s Friday Feature: Tina Tessina and Riley Smith

Maude and I know from our direct experience that relationships without conflict are possible. This is an uncommon position to take, and many people are doubtful, so it is a pleasure to find similar writings.

I came across “How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free” by Tina Tessina and Riley Smith in our local library, and was delighted to find a sympathetic view. Chapter 1 starts out: “In 15 years of working with couples in private therapy and workshops, we have found that no matter how unsolvable a problem seems to the couple presenting it, when we help them apply Cooperative Problem Solving, a solution can always be found.”

How could I not be entranced?

They decry competition: “The belief that someone has to ‘win’ in a relationship encourages us to compete rather than to cooperate,” and offer a detailed procedure: “The unique aspect of Cooperative Problem Solving is that both parties attempting to resolve a conflict or make a decision can negotiate so that both get what they want.” They have, like many therapy books, formalized their approach and include many charts, guidelines and exercises. The Negotiation Tree is a multi-page flowchart guiding you through the steps. You might feel this structured approach to be a useful map or a limiting straitjacket.

Their focus is very much on The Negotiation Tree, which is similar to what we have described as Our Process, and they break it down into five steps:

Define and Communicate the Problem
Agree to Negotiate
Set the Stage
State Your Wants
Explore Your Options and Decide

I liked this book so much, I ordered a second-hand copy from Amazon, and what arrived was the 1987 2nd edition, with the authors’ names reversed. This is a very different book, and although the five steps are identical to the 3rd edition, the guidelines and exercises are not included. It still uses examples of couples working through problems to illustrate its points, and goes into less detail, which in a way makes it clearer.

Either of these editions will be a rewarding read, and they differ so much that you could start with the 2nd edition and then enjoy the more detailed breakdown in the 3rd edition. They are both out of print, but a new edition is planned for Valentine’s day. Their latest book is How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together, and Dr. Tessina is also the author of many other relationship books.

Riley K. Smith, M.A. and Tina B. Tessina, M.A., How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. 2nd ed. North Hollywood, CA: Newcastle Publishing, 1987.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. and Riley K. Smith, M.A., How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. 3rd ed. Franklin Lakes, NJ: New Page Books, 2002.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. and Riley K. Smith, M.A., How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together. Long Beach, CA: Muffinhaven Press, 2016.

You can find more about the authors at their web sites:

Riley K. Smith, MA, LMFT

Dr. Tina Tessina, PhD, LMFT

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we wrote about commitment. This week’s links discuss various aspects of this topic.

Committed Relationship – What Does That Really Mean? “Commitment also requires that each partner choose it themselves. I don’t believe anyone can force you to commit to something. You can certainly try, but ultimately a true commitment that comes from the heart has to come from each person of their own free will.”

Passion + Intimacy + Commitment = Consummate Love “Passion, intimacy, and commitment are the three pillars of couple-love, says psychologist, Robert Sternberg in his “triangular theory.” We may love based on intimacy, passion, or commitment, or any combination of the three.”

What Committed to a Relationship Means “A deeper level of commitment, the psychologists report, is a much better predictor of lower divorce rates and fewer problems in marriage.”

 

 

To Commit or Not to Commit; That Is the Question

We’ve written a number of blogs on core values and how important it is to be sure that these match for both of you. In the beginning, you need to take enough time to be sure that a prospective partner’s actions truly reflect their words and to decide whether to stay in or get out based on what you feel and what you experience.

It is important to be consciously assessing this match in the early times of a relationship. Unfortunately, some people make this a permanent part of their partnership. They are never truly in or out of it. They are always, to some degree or another, in the assessment phase.

That’s where that sometimes maligned word ‘commitment’ comes in. In order to have the kind of relationship that brings peace and mutual happiness, the kind that we write and talk about, it is necessary to know you are both committed to the relationship; that you are in it together. It is important to know that you are both on the same side.

We have have been friends with a couple for a long time. Even after many years, the woman had a part of her that was still evaluating her partner and still deciding whether or not this was truly what she wanted. It was challenging to be with them sometimes. She was critical and they bickered often. You could feel the love, but something was broken, not flowing freely. By holding back from a total commitment, she created distance and spaces between them. This kind of energy doesn’t support trust and true freedom together. Then one day, something must have changed. She completely committed to the relationship. The difference was so extraordinary that it was palpable. They became a unit in a way that they never were before (while of course remaining two very separate individuals). The sweet kindness that resulted was such a pleasure to see and to be part of.

We wanted to share this story because most of the time men are seen as the ones who shy away from commitment. However, in this and many other instances we have met, it can just as easily be the women, often trying to avoid experiences similar to negative ones from their past.

When you are both committed to the relationship and share the same intentions for it, you can face and handle most things that come up. You have a feeling of freedom and comfort that offers strength to deal with many of life’s challenges.

Commitment is not something that can be demanded–it’s something that is given #relationships #quote
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PHIL: My experience of commitment is of freedom, not limitations. I am here because I choose to be, and I am free of the voice saying maybe I could do better.

I have a long history of not being committed, despite pressure. I was told about the security it could provide, but it never felt right. Yet in those years, I did get married, and that was a real commitment, so one was always possible. It ended because neither of our expectations were met, but that’s a different story.

With Maude, my commitment is no effort at all, because I am offered the space to be myself. I just went away for three days so I could write, and on returning, Maude suggested I should make it a monthly event. How wonderful to be so encouraged to explore my goals!

Commitment is not something that can be demanded – that’s a taking, and a commitment is something that is given. Instead, offer a place of freedom that allows commitment to grow.

MAUDE: I find that women often feel committed earlier than is appropriate. Perhaps they get a false sense of intimacy from sexual union that doesn’t yet mirror the reality of their partner’s commitment. In my case, I am either full in or not. When I commit, which does tend to be rather early on if its going to happen, I never really question that commitment again. That’s assuming the relationship is moving forward of course. I find the whole way I relate in the relationship is conditioned by this issue. If my partner and I are committed and have the same intentions for the relationship, then wonderful things can and do happen. With Phil and I, this sense of being together developed clearly and naturally with very few discussions. There were some; more from Phil who was a bit amazed at his own sense of being in this forever. That was more than a decade ago and it hasn’t come up since!