Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 88

The Heart of the Matter

The other week we quoted Dr. Susan Heitler “Marriage fights, that is, arguing at any level of intensity, reflect a breakdown in partnership. It means you have switched to a stance of being opponents, arguing for yourself and against your partner”, and that led to us looking at why that never happens for us.

The very heart of our loving relationship is that we are partners, lovers, and friends. We always want the best for each other, and we want to find ways to make decisions and solve problems in ways that not only work for both of us, but also work for our partnership.

We don’t ever step away from this position. We simply do not. Neither of us has any attraction to combat or competition. If we notice any of this type of energy creeping in, we move away from that immediately. We do so with consciousness and by choice.

First, there is the experience of partnership. That feeling is not limited to relationships; it arises under many circumstances, from constructing Legos with your child to being in a business partnership. You’re both working towards the same goals, and for us, they are the strength, support, companionship and sensuality we gain from our relationship. This experience of partnership is a distinct, tangible feeling, and from our previous relationships, we both know what it feels like for that to fall away and be replaced by an adversarial one. That fight can be about many things – character, money, respect, jealousy, time – the reason isn’t important here, and often becomes lost in history.

It’s a distinct, recognizable feeling, and we simply choose not to go there. If either of us feel that things are moving towards the boundary that separates partnership from competitiveness, we avoid escalating the differences. This isn’t just a cerebral exercise, as it’s also an instinctive response; it’s like riding a bicycle, where you don’t need to pay attention to staying in balance, even though it’s something that you clearly are doing.

You simply don’t need to argue in a relationship. You never need to stand on opposite sides #quote
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We’re not talking about suppressing feelings or giving anything up; a partnership can accommodate feelings and wants quite well without arguing, thank you. If it can’t, that argument is over core values that don’t match. This needs to be dealt with differently, and we’ve written about it in several blogs. Think about this another way: if the argument isn’t about core values, you’re going to reach a resolution and reconcile at some point, so why argue? It just leaves scratches, blood and scars, we hope only metaphorically. What else it has done is to discharge your emotions, whether fear, anger, insecurity, rage or whatever they are for you, but the problem is that they were aimed at the other person. It is important to release those emotions, but own them, make them yours, don’t pin them on your partner. “I’m angry that…” not “You make me angry because….” Maintain your awareness of being on the same side, while still sharing your feelings .

There is a big difference between us and couples who fight and become two separate competing individuals rather than two supportive partners. We both feel supported in our individuality within the relationship. When you feel safe that you are not going to be assailed, that no attempt is going to be made to change your essential being, you can relax instead of pushing any one position as the right one. Instead you are able to listen and to co-create new ideas that are better for both of you.

What’s really important to emphasize here is the quality of the experience. To be in a relationship like this is to live in a state of quiet ecstasy, an “Aha!” realization that it is possible to live in a whole other way. Find your truth in this area. Do you seek peace in your relationship? If so, that is something that needs to be foremost in your minds and hearts; it needs to be something you both understand is at the heart of your union. It must be the bedrock from which all else occurs. When this is the case, no matter what happens you will find yourselves joyously handling it together.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we wrote about how to reach mutual solutions in your relationship. These articles address various aspects of finding solutions and doing so without compromising.

Want a great marriage? Don’t compromise. “I define compromise as each party going away equally unhappy. The reason is simple. Most people give in to others as a way to manage their own anxiety and their discomfort with conflict. Or, they give in hoping it will make their spouse happy. The problem is that they’ve just done damage to themselves and the relationship. Any time either partner walks away from a compromise even a little bit unhappy, they’ve done damage to the relationship.”

How Compromise Is Actually Hurting Your Relationship (And What To Do Instead) “Compromise implies that both people have to give up something they want in order to come up with a solution that is tolerable for both. While this all sounds noble and selfless, I think compromise as a solution may do more harm than good. Viewing compromise as your ideal solution requires that we enter a mindset of need rather than empowerment. We assume all we can get is the bare minimum rather than asking for what we really want. We settle rather than flourish.”

Happiness With Others: Practice Win–Win “The win–win process is fairly simple and straightforward, yet it is often not easy to pull off. This is so because it requires a much different mindset than most of us bring to our disagreements. Moreover, it requires some patience and self-control, as you will see below. But, by bothering to follow the process, you will be pleasantly surprised by the solutions you find and gratified by the increased happiness you derive from your relationships.”

How to Reach Mutual Solutions in Your Relationship

We don’t argue. We don’t compromise. We don’t suppress our feelings. And we always find a solution to issues that works for both of us. Unlikely as that may sound, it’s been true for the dozen years we’ve known each other, and we’ve spent a lot of time examining why.

It’s because there are multiple outcomes that would satisfy us; we can’t see them at first because we are staring at our metaphorical strawberry ice cream. There are more flavors in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in our philosophy.

The first step is not to be stubborn, and to accept that there are always other possibilities that we haven’t seen yet. Locking onto a single solution is a kind of identity panic. We are more than our desires and ideas, but our ego wants to cling to the current ones as if they are the only items of clothing in the wardrobe, and to let go of them would leave us naked in front of the world. Relax. There are plenty of other clothes to wear.

The next step is to understand that what we want, although it seems so clear to us, can often be satisfied, expanded or changed from our original idea.

Looking at our surface want and the images we get when thinking of it, and then speaking about that does several things. It gives our partner information about why we hold that position or have that need. What may be obvious to us is often unclear to someone else. Speaking in this way is an act of intimacy that brings us closer together – the opposite of what happens when people argue. Additionally, what we say may come as a surprise to us as well; we often only see our desire and not the reasons behind it.

With that expanded understanding, each of us can come up with other possibilities that fit our own needs and might possibly work for our partner, too. These ideas provide new material for both partners to work with and to look at the deeper wants that each have. By continuing to share in this way, we deepen in intimacy and knowledge of both ourselves and our partner until we find a solution that works for both of us. We have arrived at it without argument, without compromise and without suppressing our feelings.

Below is an excerpt from an article we wrote for Together Magazine that illustrates this process:

Maude: I’d like to go somewhere rural so I feel like I’m away from everything.

Phil: I’m imagining a small coastal town so we can take beach walks and grab a pizza when we’re hungry.

Maude: I’d rather be somewhere that is totally different than what we experience daily [we already live in a coastal town].

Phil: Okay. I don’t want to be miles from anywhere where we’re short of supplies, but I do like the sense of getting away from it all. I can also get that feeling if we go to a strange town where we don’t know anyone.

Maude: Somehow I want the feel of a completely different environment. We could buy supplies and snuggle in.

Phil: That sounds like crumbs all over the bed. We’d need a kitchenette for three nights.

Maude: An AirBnB would probably work.

Phil: Let’s see what we can find on AirBnB. (We look together.) Oh, here’s a private one in the woods, yet only five miles to Trader Joe’s. But I still really want to be near the beach.

Maude: Well, look, there’s Montana De Oro State Park on the coast not too far away. My friend mentioned going there recently and it sounds just like what you were describing you wanted. We could do a day trip there.

Phil: Perfect! I’ve never been there and you know how I love exploring new trails. Let’s book it. I’m getting excited now.

It is important to add that you both have to have the same core values. When this is so, by digging deep enough, you can always find agreement. If not, then you have a core disagreement that will often be fatal to finding mutual solutions. We have written extensively on core values elsewhere.

Don't argue; you can always find a solution that works for both of you #relationships #quotes
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We have found that by using many of the techniques available to all of us, it is possible to participate in an almost magical experience which we call finding mutual solutions. This sounds quite mundane on the surface, However, when actually practiced, it produces a result which is truly beyond anything either partner could predict or come up with themselves. We have outlined this simple process in our book How Two: Have a Successful Relationship.

When you have an issue to resolve, if you start with a clear understanding that you are both on the same side and seeking a resolution that works for both of you, your separate identities fade into the background and a merged self, the “we” if you will, comes to the fore. The surprising aspect of this “we” self is that it knows things and can find directions that are not coming from either of you individually. You arrive at an answer that is the result of each of you combined with the other. It is not a compromise where either or both of you gave up something to get something else. It is new, and encompasses the thoughts and knowledge that each of you has contributed about what you would like and what your partner will enjoy, appreciate and desire.

Another striking dynamic of finding mutual solutions is that the more you experience this, the better you will get at stepping aside and letting the merged self find your answers. The more you do this, the more pleasurable it will be, and the more you will be drawn to this process as well as the wonderful and surprising results this method produces.

We invite you to enter the unity of your relationship and from this place to steer your course together. The result of this practice is an abiding sense of peace that becomes the foundation for your relationship.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we wrote about how you fix a needy relationship. These articles cover various aspects of that, including from the partner’s point of view.

How to Become Whole in a Relationship “A solid relationship is two whole (or at least, fairly whole) people coming together because they love each other’s company. They’re not coming together because they need someone to love them all the time, because they need someone’s company all the time, because they need to be shown that they’re loved. If one person is whole but the other person is needy, dependent, insecure … the whole person will do the best that he or she can to help the other, but over the long run will feel weary of all the neediness and insecurity, and will feel resentment.”

How to Overcome Neediness “As ill-defined as the experience of neediness seems to be, psychologists have made great strides in unpacking this complex state of mind. One line of research, which emerged from an attempt to better understand depression, sheds a good deal of light on what makes neediness so incredibly painful. Defining neediness, rather inelegantly, as “a generalized, undifferentiated dependence on others and feelings of helplessness and fears of desertion and abandonment, “ the investigators discovered that it has an important relationship to depression.”

How Neediness and Emotional Insecurity Destroy Relationships “Feeling insecure in a relationship is horrible for the one who is feeling the insecurity. The burden – of fear and obsessive thoughts, of feeling powerless, of awful awareness that all this insecurity may actually itself be destroying what you treasure most – can feel pretty unbearable. But it’s also tough for the person on the receiving end of all that insecurity. The truth is that being involved with a really insecure person can be hell.”

How Do You Fix a Needy Relationship?

All too often, people enter a relationship to fill a void, a sense of lack that people have about their lives or how they feel about themselves. It may seem at the beginning of such a relationship that their needs are getting fulfilled, but the sad thing is that one can never fill that sense of lack by getting it from someone else. The initial satisfaction will invariably pass, leaving emptiness in its wake, and their partner will become increasingly distraught at not being able to help.

We have often talked about the importance of getting to know yourself and continuing to grow that self knowledge. We can only develop a sense of self-worth and acceptance of ourselves by the work we do on and with ourselves. This means more than having an accurate assessment of your strengths and weaknesses; it means sitting at that point in yourself that is indisputable. It is beyond looks or intelligence or competence; it is not affected by the approval of others. It is the basis of feeling complete and thereby not needy. That work will pay dividends in its effect on your relationship, and when each partner supports the other in this type of self-work and self improvement, the relationship is usually highly successful. Acceptance of your full self, your progressing self and acceptance of your partner in the same way, when coupled with dedication to grow and find and fulfill your unique potential, produces healthier individuals and concomitantly, healthier relationships.

You can’t fill a sense of lack in yourself by getting it from someone else #relationships #quote
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A wonderful aspect of our relationship is that we both feel added to by the other; each of us is complete in ourselves, but also feel we are more because we are together. This is in contrast to having a feeling of need, of incompleteness, that the other is able to assuage. Neediness is a constant wanting of reassurance from other(s) about some characteristic of yourself that you feel is missing or deficient – looks, intelligence, competence, talent, skill. It’s not that we’re perfect in those areas, but some people go way beyond that: they need a constant supply of reassurance, love, affection, attention or money. They are a mystical sink-hole; fill it up at night, and there’s a 12 foot hole again by morning.

In our relationship, we experience a sublime form of acceptance of each other. This does not mean that we accept our faults and weaknesses as an end stage of our development. We accept that each of us is dedicated to growing, and we support each other to accomplish that goal. While being supportive and loving, we do not tell each other what to do, nor do we strive to take over the doing of it for each other.

Whether you are just beginning a relationship, or have been in one for a longer time, it is healthy and very productive to look at this element of yourselves and your relationship. Do your actions support each other as separate individuals, or are you trying to fill some sense of lack you have concerning yourself? Share with each other about these issues. Take an honest look at your interactions together. We promise you that a new sense of intimacy and support will open up to both of you through this type of mutual examination.

Relationships, just like individuals re-form themselves all the time. Keep checking in with each other on how you want to be together. Full acceptance of each other, while mutually supporting your individual growth, will create an ever growing healthy relationship. This kind of relationship will help spread peace, one relationship at a time!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

 

In this week’s blog we stated that no matter what you think, not all couples fight! It’s a radical view, but here are a few relationship experts who agree.

How Not to Fight “In my counseling practice, couples are often surprised to learn they can communicate and solve problems effectively without fighting; but sometimes you may find it’s not so easy to give up your struggles. You may have trouble letting go of the fighting habit because of two factors: social expectations (expectations the people around you have about marriage) and myths (common beliefs not based on fact.)There are many myths and expectations about fighting in marriage. Couples come into my office frequently believing that fighting is a necessary part of being a couple; that all married couples fight; and it’s a normal part of marriage. But the fact is that fighting accomplishes nothing, and it isn’t necessary for couples to argue, to yell, or to have heated discussions to get problems solved. Hanging on to these ideas makes it difficult to let go of fighting.”

The 7 Best Tips for Handling Anger and Resentment in Relationships “Empathy, it turns out, is the antidote to anger in relationships. As such, feelings of empathy also fuel natural anxiety reduction. Not only will you hopefully come to an understanding with your life partner, you will both feel calmer. Empathy, it turns out, is the antidote to anger in relationships. As such, feelings of empathy also fuel natural anxiety reduction. Not only will you hopefully come to an understanding with your life partner, you will both feel calmer. Making empathy a regular part of your relationship will have an impact not only on getting along better, but ultimately feeling more connected and less stressed, because it facilitates you getting out of your own head, and into your partner’s.”

We Can’t Talk Without Arguing: How to Stop Fighting All the Time “When people get defensive, anger grows even more intense. This makes it hard for you and your partner to work together. You want to join forces to solve a problem. Instead you’re fighting in a way that seems unavoidable and beyond anyone’s control.”

No Matter What You Think, Not All Couples Fight!

On the first anniversary of our meeting, we made an astounding discovery. We realized that we had never had an argument, had never fought, not even a little. It has now been twelve years we’ve been together (ten since we got married) and it is still true; we have never had a fight, never argued, never felt distanced, alienated, or estranged from one another. We do not accomplish this by ignoring issues or by not communicating or by suppressing our feelings. Quite the opposite; we share the deepest feelings and desires of our hearts constantly with each other. Both of us are strong, separate individuals, and at the same time we are in a relationship with a profound experience of union.

You may read this with disbelief. You may say to yourself “Good for you, but what does that have to do with us, with our relationship? We’ve been together for 15 years and we have many arguments and distance has grown between us.” Or you might say, “Well, I’m just going into a relationship, but I have never had the experience of being with someone without conflict and arguing! How can I experience something if I don’t know if it really exists?”

The view that arguments are inevitable in relationships is unfortunately one that has been popularized. Thankfully, there are a few people speaking out against this basic fallacy. In her excellent article in Psychology Today “Beware Of Mistaken Marriage Advice That All Couples Fight”, Dr. Susan Heitler writes:

Several years ago, addressing a large audience of several thousand marriage educators at a SmartMarriages conference, Gottman said with great confidence, “Of course we all know that all couples fight…” Here’s better marriage advice about fighting. Don’t fight. Talk cooperatively. Marriage fights, that is, arguing at any level of intensity, reflect a breakdown in partnership. It means you have switched to a stance of being opponents, arguing for yourself and against your partner. Fighting is adversarial dialogue; the goal is to win, not to build mutual understanding.

In our latest book, “How Two: Have a Successful Relationship” we say:

Open your minds and your hearts to another way. We are living proof that it is possible to love without hardship and difficulty. You do not always have to struggle and work in order for your relationship to be full of calm, ease, and at the same time, juicy passion.

We are not suggesting that both of you will always see things the same way. Difference and even disagreement are not the same as conflict, argument or estrangement. No couple agrees on everything, but there are ways to resolve issues that, improbable as it may sound, reach a solution that works for both people without requiring any compromise.

Other writers and couples have talked about this, too. For most of them, their blissful state was preceded by years of conflict, but in the end, they took that leap. It is a leap because it is not simply a matter of degree, but of a qualitative difference.

So how does change like that come about? Sometimes it is by slow degrees, like a tree growing around a fence, but often it happens all at once by a change in understanding, like solving a crossword clue that previously made no sense. Once you fully get what a peaceful relationship means, there is no going back; it’s not something you might lapse from, like taking up cigarettes again; it’s a learned behavior with such great results that there is no reason to ever go back. It’s like riding a bike – something you don’t forget.

Changing your viewpoint to see your relationship differently can be a difficult leap. You may be holding beliefs that get in the way; for example, that you are unworthy, that competition necessarily arises in any union, or that you have expectations about how relationships must be. This is work that you have to do on yourself. You make changes in a relationship by changing yourself, not your partner.

So if you’re in a committed relationship but still arguing, look at why that is. Is it because you feel you don’t deserve better, or because you “know” that all relationships are like that? They’re not, and we are the proof. For those of you who have traveled a road of distance and separateness in your relationship, a change to behaving as partners will bring a joy and fulfillment that is unimaginable but most definitely achievable with belief, intention, and the right tools. There is no reason that you cannot have a relationship like ours, too. For that to happen, you need these things.

Commitment. You’re past the dating phase, you’re past the “Are they the one?” question; you want to make it work.
Core Values. You know what your core values are, and your partner’s core values are compatible with yours.
Belief. You have to believe a peaceful relationship is possible. We are living proof it exists. If it can happen for us, it can happen for you.
No Expectations. You don’t have rules about how your partner should be, and vice versa. Result: an extraordinary feeling of freedom.
Intention. You can have all of the above, but you have to put it all into practice.

Armed with these values, you can create a union founded on finding mutual solutions and growing a peaceful relationship. You will find a level of joy and a profound sense of well-being that was previously unknown.

We’ve written in detail about all of this, plus how to resolve differences without arguing, in our book “How Two: Have a Successful Relationship,” available at all good Amazons, and Chaucer’s Bookstore in Santa Barbara. Join us and others promoting and working for peaceful relationships by living one, and by doing so, spread peace, one relationship at a time!

EXTRA! EXTRA! From May 17-19, 2017, the eBook of “How Two: Have a Successful Relationship” will be OFFERED FOR FREE!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

 

In this week’s blog we wrote about choosing how you want your relationship to be. Here are a variety of articles that talk about this, often in the context of writing about the different kinds of relationships that people have.

Creating A Unique Relationship Template “I finally realized that becoming a viable partner would always elude me until I did the requisite emotional homework. I’d grown weary of short-term relationships and was eager to experience the real deal.”

Patterns of Relationships (The type in this article is very small; use Ctrl-Plus to enlarge it.) “Most of us have some kind of idea in our minds about how a “good” or “correct” relationship is supposed to be. We can cause ourselves needless distress by comparing our own relationships with such an idea of what a relationship “should be like” and then concluding that our own is defective by comparison. Psychologists may imply something of that sort when they formulate criteria for a “healthy relationship” which few real couples ever meet.”

Do You Create Your Own Relationship “Rules”? “…every relationship has its own personality, made up of two unique individuals, and the things that work for one may not work for another. Just like each person is able to give to the relationship in his own way. We can’t change them. And is that such a bad thing?”

Choose How You Want Your Relationship To Be

The other day we were visiting some dear friends who had just moved in together, after they had dated for four years while living separately. They described to us their unique arrangement of sleeping together and sleeping apart. They had decided that they would keep the same pattern (at least in the beginning) that had worked for them when they were living separately. They would sleep together three nights a week, and on the other nights, they would maintain their privacy within their home and honor each other in separate spaces.

This triggered a conversation which we would like to share with all of you, and we’d love if you’d share your opinions and experiences with us.

The issue of whether to live together and how to live together or apart is one which is dealt with by many of the couples we have interviewed. One couple who have been together for ten years still maintain separate places. People have very different and varied arrangements, from living together and sharing all aspects of their lives, such as space, finances, decisions, travel, to those who have very clearly defined limits on what is shared and what is not.

The important point is to pick an arrangement that you like and to keep experimenting till you find out what works for both of you. There are so many societal and familial expectations and images of what constitutes a relationship or marriage. These often have nothing to do with the individuals involved, but rather are things that were originally necessary for survival, for child rearing or for what was thought to be the good of the community at large. It’s no longer the 1950s, but our culture is still full of these: use a bed to sleep in; own a smart phone; don’t wear clothes with holes in (unless they’re jeans!)

The urge to conform is probably a key element of how human society is organized, yet though that urge has social benefits in some areas, e.g. driving on the right (sorry, British readers), it sometimes just clips the wings of our individual quirks. When making choices about money, sex, chores, paint colors or religion, listen carefully to your inner voice and find out what works for the two of you, regardless of what others are doing. With money, for instance, you might have separate accounts or joint accounts. You might put in a fixed amount and keep the rest for personal spending, or vice versa. You might go 50/50 or tie it to incomes. You might include non-monetary contributions like a vegetable garden in the equation. You might have no fixed rules at all. You might take savings or an inheritance or a lottery win into account. The point is to choose what works for the two of you.

Don’t restrict what works for you by trying to conform to social expectations #relationships #quote
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We urge you to feel free to create your own patterns and ways to live and be together. Whether it be how you express your love, what gender you relate to, how you merge or do not merge your finances or determine what fiscal responsibility is, whether it be your sexual preferences or how you express intimacy with each other, make every effort to find it together, and make it work for you and your partner. These things should be reviewed and renewed regularly as well, so you do not stay in old agreements and patterns that no longer fit who you are as individuals and as a couple.

Do not be afraid to experiment with different ways of doing things, as long as you are both willing to try something new. The more the way you are together fits the way you are in the present, the happier and more successful your relationship and each of you will be.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we are discussing feeding and nourishing our relationships. Here are some articles we’ve selected for you on this topic.

10 Ways to Nourish Your Marriage “What’s the key to a successful relationship? Sometimes it’s the simple things that are taken for granted or we think are unimportant that hold the key to a healthy, loving and happy relationship. Here are ten tips on how to make your relationship last:”

Nourishing the Different Types of Intimacy in Your Relationship “When we talk about being intimate in a romantic relationship, we often equate it to sexual intimacy. But sex is just one form of intimacy. “Intimacy is a process whereby we feel truly seen, known by and connected to our partner,” said Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist who provides individual and couples counseling in Washington, D.C. And this can manifest in many ways. Here are other types of intimacy and how you can nourish each one.”

The Magic of Nourishment “It is such a pleasure to be in this relationship, a relationship where the simple things in life – a greeting, a smile, an encouraging word, a hug – are common place. Having come from a relationship where the cold war was ongoing, where competition was the cornerstone, and words of encouragement were rare, I really appreciate the difference. I now love coming home and I look forward to being with my partner.”