Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 117

Approach Decision Making and Problem Solving With Joy

I was so pleased with the photo of the two children you selected for our article on “How to Make Joint Decisions Without Conflict” , but I wasn’t really sure why. Then it hit me. They were so filled with joy, and an obvious pleasure in being together. This is an element we hadn’t emphasized in our article, but one that is very important. When you sit down with your partner to make a decision or to solve a problem, do it from a place of joy. It is very important to come from an open mind, and one that is not full of preconceptions. And it is just as important to start out, right from the beginning, with the attitude that the two of you are going to have fun together. In fact, the more you can approach this from a place similar to what these two children in the photo exude, the better. Over time, as you accumulate the positive experiences that will occur through applying the process we’ve described, this joyous attitude will become more and more natural. So remember, the outcome is an unknown. The only thing you know for sure is the results will be something the two of you have created together, and it will be mutually satisfying giving you a stronger sense of your union. We have practiced this for years and it is still a breathtaking and magical experience each time!

Meanings and Values – Our Bedrock

I agree with you that one of the main reasons for our lack of conflict is that we agree on the ground rules. We have a consonance of meanings and values. That is the bedrock of our relationship. These are not seen in agreement on the little things of habit and behavior, but rather in the underlying truths that motivate each of us. I could go further into what they are, but what they are is not the point; the point is that they are.

Once these values were seen to be aligned, our differences did not feel threatening or disturbing and we could relax and revel in the uniqueness of each other.

A Prerequisite of Our Process

We wrote about our process without explaining the basis on which it rests. That basis is a shared view of the world – how to treat it and how to deal with it. Morality or ethics, if you will. This is important, because when this is the case, differences of opinion are not threatening; they only concern the best way to achieve our goals.

Determining that we shared the same world view was an interesting process, for it was not explicit, and indeed can’t be, for the acid test of another is not what they say, but what they do, and that is learned through experience.

How to Make Joint Decisions Without Conflict

How do you and your partner handle decision-making and problem-solving? For most people, these activities are often a source of tension and conflict, rather than an opportunity for a creative experience together. These sessions frequently feel like duels over who is right, and produce little in the way of mutual satisfaction or inspired solutions.

We would like to share a process whereby we solve problems, make decisions and come to courses of action which, instead of causing tensions and feelings of separation, offers a wonderful experience of joint action. We believe this simple but effective process can be used by anyone, with often astounding results. Try it out, and with a little practice, you will find that a surprising transformation occurs.

You will want to treat this as a new kind of experience together, so embark on this path as a shared adventure. Next time you and your partner have decisions to make or a problem to solve, try out this process. Relax, empty your minds of everything and prepare to enjoy yourselves! State the issue or problem you are considering. Fully share your thoughts and ideas. Listen to your partner without interrupting or doing any editing in your mind. Don’t be in a hurry to get to a particular place with the discussion. Come from the position that neither of you is steering the exchange to a particular conclusion or is attached to a specific outcome; this will quickly dissipate any feeling of tension. Stay in the present with each other. Don’t color your experiences with preconceptions or projections of any kind. You will quickly find that the atmosphere is without charge when there is no one pushing to be right. When listening to each other, actually listen, rather than waiting for the moment when you can talk again about why your opinion is the correct one. Neither of you needs to be concerned with ‘needing to be right’ or ‘who is right’.

In any situation there are many choices and outcomes. Often people lock onto a view and cannot let go of it to allow another one in. After having done this process for a while, we found our responses to each other’s input were almost exactly the opposite. We began to eagerly hear the ideas and thoughts of the other. In fact, you will find, as we did, that you come to appreciate that the other person has different ideas and doesn’t see everything exactly as you do. You will find that by not freeze-framing a specific outcome or activity, you allow something new and unexpected to happen. We found that there was no joy in a course of action that was not mutual, and we came to celebrate our differences. You will experience that your partner introduces a variety into life that would not otherwise be there, and you will really begin to welcome change rather than resisting it.

It was at this point in the process that we noticed something almost magical occurring. You, too, will find a new element arising that is not the original thought or idea from either of you. It is usually something better than either of you brought to the topic. You will find that you have come together and co-created something new without any experience of having compromised. There have been no trade-offs nor any sense of winning or losing. The answer has grown out of the way you work together. It has come forth through being wholly open and allowing something new to occur.

The more you do this, the better you get at it, because you have the accumulated experience of how good the results are each time. We have found that this process brings a delightful sense of peace and pleasure with it. It is such a good feeling to experience the answers and solutions that emerge. They are always so much more than either had separately.

This style is something that can be cultivated. You can come from a place of trust and respect that will enable you to find solutions that work for both of you, rather than only for one or the other. While doing this, seek for the positive and come from love. It feels so much better than manipulation or force or pressuring or anger or self-righteousness or control or separation. We wish you much joy as you experience this process and the transformation it brings.