Douglas Hackle's Blog, page 7

Coming Soon: Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!

Dear good (and bad) readers here on Goodreads,

My newest book is due out later this spring/early summer. It’s called Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!

Consisting mainly of previously unpublished stories with a few reprints shuffled in there for good measure, this will be my third book and my second collection of absurdist/bizarro short stories.

Prior to its release, I’ll have a limited amount of ARCs available for review purposes. You know the drill: a free book in exchange for an honest review on Amazon, Goodreads, a book review site, personal blog, etc. If you’re interested, shoot me a message, my tiny little dude/dudette.

In any event, here's the final table of contents:

My Name Is Douglas

The Two Times I Was a Mean Man

Tokens

The Powell/Fourth Dog Incident

The Ghost, the Boulder, and the Glaive

Moon-Moths Are Nothing but a Cheap Parlor Trick

Not That It Matters, but the War of 1812 Was Kinda Hawt

The Unpursued Man

I Won the MegaSuperLotto

A Small Owl with a Broken Wing (from Compton)

Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum?

This Puppet Puts the “P” in “Puppet”

Got Me a Date with an Uptown Girl

The Case of the Already-Solved Case

Flawless Face®

TERROR THING

Our Hearts Will Go On, Yo

All Comic Book Movies and Shows Are Fucking Boring, Zombies Are Lame, Cthulhu Is Stupid, and Everything Is Fucked

Get my latest book on the cheap

Hi, my tiny little sons/sonettes.

For the next three days or so, the Kindle version of my novel, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack, is on sale for 99 cents.

If you help spread the word, you mah crispy-biscuit home skillet 4-LYFE.

Click on the cover image for the Amazon link.

From the back cover:

Ever since he was a young orphan, Hansel Higginzshire’s dream has been to break the long-held Guinness World Record for hottest gay man ever killed in a shark attack.

Big Problem #1: Hansel is not hot. At least not in the classical sense. In fact, the deformed man has a head the size of a wrecking ball.

Big Problem #2: Hansel digs chicks, not dudes. Still, that shouldn’t stop a big-headed mofo from dreaming big, no??

But if those obstacles weren’t enough to impede Hansel’s path to Guinness World Record greatness, he finds himself wanted for murder. Now on the lam, his situation pretty hopeless, Hansel agrees to die a horrible death in a snuff film for just few measly bucks.

But perhaps the misfit companions Hansel meets on his westward cross-country trek to Hollywood—Rosebud (the drunken, down-on-its-luck, former actor, and sentient sled from Citizen Kane); a living, talking amputated arm that once belonged to a famous rock drummer; and a geeky keytar player born with a small polar bear head instead of a human head—can convince Hansel to follow his dreams again and attempt to become . . . THE HOTTEST GAY MAN EVER KILLED IN A SHARK ATTACK!!!

(By the way, yo mama is a character in this book. Yeah. For real. Sorry.)

“Hackle may be the best absurdist story writer working today.” —Bradley Sands, author of Dodgeball High

“Douglas Hackle is a 100% certified Angus all-beef patty genius.” —Danger Slater, author of Puppet Skin

This

My name is Douglas,
Pronounced with an uglas.
I’m on da mic,
And I just don’t give a fuglas.

Imma eat maggots,
While ur basic ass eats hummus.
Gonna stuff my mouth with crickets,
While u be whack and u be bugless.

And just like DAT BOI,
Imma roll on a sick-ass uni,
Doing on-fleek tricks,
Makin’ u look dumb and whack and puny.

So don’t be jelly,
When I roll on through,
Nabbin’ more ass than a goddamn zoo.

Yeah, that’s right, doood,
Cuz I’m da original Hacksta.
Best up ur game, G,
And take some lessons from da masta.

Trillionaire Tater Tots - Kindle Cover Disaster

A good friend of mine, the igloo-dwelling, tater tot-gobbling, self-published author Dougliette Juliette, published an ebook titled The Trillionaire Tater Tots Caused Me Gay (and One of Them is Juggalo!) last year. I just learned that the cover of her book was recently added to the infamous “Kindle Cover Disaster” tumblr site. Congratulations, Dougliette! What a fine achievement!

http://kindlecoverdisasters.tumblr.co...

*By the way: What in samhain is a tumblr anyhow? I don’t even know, yo! But maybe you do know, duuuude/duuudette. Perhaps you even have a tumblr of your own. And perhaps you can use it to like or share Dougliette’s book cover to further disseminate it throughout the tumblrverse or tumblrsphere or tumblrwhatever. Just a (very idle) thought.*

Tall Tales with Short Cocks - Vol. 5

At long last, the fifth and newest installment in Rooster Republic’s Tall Tales with Short Cocks short story anthology series is out. Edited by one G. Arthur Brown this time around, Tall Tales With Short Cocks Vol. 5 includes my story “Creek Slut.” And although this is the first Tall Tales volume where Arthur “Tha Gram Cracka” Graham was not directly involved, I still somehow sense the former RRP editor's spiritual influence in its release, especially when I glance at the table of contents to see words and phrases like “pussy,” “slut,” “perv,” "scrotum," "Entire Polish Army,” and “MY LITTLE PONY” jumping out at me.

So check out the full table of contents and then go git yerself a copy! https://www.amazon.com/Tall-Tales-Sho...

The Suicidal Cat - Andrew Wayne Adams
All Request - MP Johnson
Creek Slut - Douglas Hackle
So You Have a Vagina on Your Face - Jessica McHugh
Next Killed My Lake - Edmund Colell
Meet Stair - Etienne DeForest
The Form of the Honeycomb Sword - Jon Konrath
Pussy Cat 'Pocalypse - Timothy W. Long
The Curse of the Sidekick Scrotum - David W. Barbee
Arachno-Perv - Adam Millard
Chupatown Chop Shop - John McNee
Heat of the Radio - Nicholaus Patnaude
Prince Cuddlebug is Going to Fuck Your Wife – Danger Slater
How I Got a MY LITTLE PONY Tattoo - Jeff Burk
Gutful of Maggots - Jamie Grefe
The Backward Machine - Mike Fugere Jr.
The Entire Polish Army - Dustin Reade
The Jazz Chinaman's Taxes - Madeleine Swann
The Patissier - Crystal R. Babb
Rico Slade Screenplay - Bradley Sands

My Reading of "The Date"

Hey, y'all. I read and recorded my story "The Date" (from Clown Tear Junkies) for The Next Best Book Blog. The story is about a stuttering man who goes out on a date with a moment from The Karate Kid. If ya have about six minutes to burn, check it out here: http://thenextbestbookblog.blogspot.c...

Free Review Copies of My New Book

Hey, Goodreaders. I have in my possession a few extra copies of my new book, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack. If you reside in the U.S. and would like to receive one in exchange for an honest review on Goodreads/Amazon, drop me a message. Supplies are limited.

May your day be filled with soothsayin', ice road truck-drivin', tuba-playin', fetal-feudal fire ants from France,

Douglas

My Interview on Bizzong!

When my publicist wired me in Tangier to say that Frank Edler still wanted to do that interview, I almost had to decline, as I’d just booked passage on a fishing vessel departing for Spain, where I intended to live, study, and take a vow of monastic silence with the mescaline-hashish monks of St. Salieri Priory for an entire year. Luckily for Mr. Edler, his plane landed in time. When the man arrived breathless at the smoky café I liked to frequent in famous Zoco Chico square, I still had an hour to spare.

This is a recording of our interview.

Just kidding. I was actually drinking rotgut beer out of a can in fuckin’ Cleveland (aka The Mistake on the Lake) when Frank called me from fuckin’ Jersey (aka The Mistake on the Ocean), where he was drinking rotgut wine out the bottle. Dudes were jrunk.

http://www.projectiradio.com/jrunk-do...

THE HOTTEST GAY MAN EVER KILLED IN A SHARK ATTACK is Now Out...

Whew! Like 87 years ago or something, my first book, Clown Tear Junkies , saw its publication. After sundry delays and for better or worse, my second book, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack , is now a thing in the world.

Click on the cover image for the Amazon link.

From the back cover:

Ever since he was a young orphan, Hansel Higginzshire’s dream has been to break the long-held Guinness World Record for hottest gay man ever killed in a shark attack.

Big Problem #1: Hansel is not hot. At least not in the classical sense. In fact, the deformed man has a head the size of a wrecking ball.

Big Problem #2: Hansel digs chicks, not dudes. Still, that shouldn’t stop a big-headed mofo from dreaming big, no??

But if those obstacles weren’t enough to impede Hansel’s path to Guinness World Record greatness, he finds himself wanted for murder. Now on the lam, his situation pretty hopeless, Hansel agrees to die a horrible death in a snuff film for just few measly bucks.

But perhaps the misfit companions Hansel meets on his westward cross-country trek to Hollywood—Rosebud (the drunken, down-on-its-luck, former actor, and sentient sled from Citizen Kane); a living, talking amputated arm that once belonged to a famous rock drummer; and a geeky keytar player born with a small polar bear head instead of a human head—can convince Hansel to follow his dreams again and attempt to become . . . THE HOTTEST GAY MAN EVER KILLED IN A SHARK ATTACK!!!

(By the way, yo mama is a character in this book. Yeah. For real. Sorry.)

“Hackle may be the best absurdist story writer working today.” —Bradley Sands, author of Dodgeball High

“Douglas Hackle is a 100% certified Angus all-beef patty genius.” —Danger Slater, author of Puppet Skin

THE HOTTEST GAY MAN EVER KILLED IN A SHARK ATTACK is Now Out…

Whew! Like 87 years ago or something, my first book, Clown Tear Junkies, saw its publication. After sundry delays, and for better or worse, my second book, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack, is now a thing in the world.

Click on the cover image for the Amazon link.

From the back cover:

Ever since he was a young orphan, Hansel Higginzshire’s dream has been to break the long-held Guinness World Record for hottest gay man ever killed in a shark attack.

Big Problem #1: Hansel is not hot. At least not in the classical sense. In fact, the deformed man has a head the size of a wrecking ball.

Big Problem #2: Hansel digs chicks, not dudes. Still, that shouldn’t stop a big-headed mofo from dreaming big, no??

But if those obstacles weren’t enough to impede Hansel’s path to Guinness World Record greatness, he finds himself wanted for murder. Now on the lam, his situation pretty hopeless, Hansel agrees to die a horrible death in a snuff film for just few measly bucks.

But perhaps the misfit companions Hansel meets on his westward cross-country trek to Hollywood—Rosebud (the drunken, down-on-its-luck, former actor, and sentient sled from Citizen Kane); a living, talking amputated arm that once belonged to a famous rock drummer; and a geeky keytar player born with a small polar bear head instead of a human head—can convince Hansel to follow his dreams again and attempt to become . . . THE HOTTEST GAY MAN EVER KILLED IN A SHARK ATTACK!!!

(By the way, yo mama is a character in this book. Yeah. For real. Sorry.)

“Hackle may be the best absurdist story writer working today.” —Bradley Sands, author of Dodgeball High

“Douglas Hackle is a 100% certified Angus all-beef patty genius.” —Danger Slater, author of Puppet Skin