Douglas Hackle's Blog, page 15
February 9, 2012
Two New Shorts Up
Hey all you BIG boys. There's a good chance the mosquito in my story "Proud To Be An Amerikkkkan" outdicks you. Sorry. "Proud To Be An Amerikkkkan" is now up at The Mustache Factor.
Oh, and just because a snack food has zero grams trans fat doesn't mean it's good for you. For more on this, please read my story "A Fun-o-Face® Has Zero Grams Trans Fat!" over at three minute plastic.
January 20, 2012
Jersey Devil Press to Publish “James Joyce, Herman Melville, and God Get Rejected!” by Me
Hey, all you writerfolk out there. This one’s for you.
Ever have a publisher reject your work? That’s sort of like asking a seventy-year-old lifelong drunk if he ever accidentally pissed on his own shoes a little while relieving himself in the men’s room at the corner pub.
But try not to let that rejection stuff get you down too much. Because ten thousand years from now, at a time when the great literary canon of the known universe will have grown to be so astronomically massive as to be virtually unmanageable, intractable, redundant, and even meaningless, an intergalactic governing body will be forced to create the universe’s last publishing house, whose primary responsibility it will be to prune down the ginormous literary canon through the “retroactive rejection” and complete annihilation of scores of existing books.
And in doing so, no time-honored classic or long-venerated author will be exempt from the purge of retroactive rejection . . . not even the Big Guy Upstairs Himself, if you follow.
And get this: with the advent of quantum-based, spiritworld-communication technology, it will seem only proper for representatives of the last publishing house in the universe to take the time to contact deceased authors directly and inform them when their work is being retroactively rejected . . . .
At least that’s how it all goes down in my short story “James Joyce, Herman Melville, and God Get Rejected!” which will appear in the April 2012 issue of Jersey Devil Press.
Jersey Devil Press to Publish "James Joyce, Herman Melville, and God Get Rejected!" by Me
Hey, all you writerfolk out there. This one's for you.
Ever have a publisher reject your work? That's sort of like asking a seventy-year-old lifelong drunk if he ever accidentally pissed on his own shoes a little while relieving himself in the men's room at the corner pub.
But try not to let that rejection stuff get you down too much. Because ten thousand years from now, at a time when the great literary canon of the known universe will have grown to be so astronomically massive as to be virtually unmanageable, intractable, redundant, and even meaningless, an intergalactic governing body will be forced to create the universe's last publishing house, whose primary responsibility it will be to prune down the ginormous literary canon through the "retroactive rejection" and complete annihilation of scores of existing books.
And in doing so, no time-honored classic or long-venerated author will be exempt from the purge of retroactive rejection . . . not even the Big Guy Upstairs Himself, if you follow.
And get this: with the advent of quantum-based, spiritworld-communication technology, it will seem only proper for representatives of the last publishing house in the universe to take the time to contact deceased authors directly and inform them when their work is being retroactively rejected . . . .
At least that's how it all goes down in my short story "James Joyce, Herman Melville, and God Get Rejected!" which will appear in the April 2012 issue of Jersey Devil Press.
January 14, 2012
Ice Cream in Amerikkkka
I recently received word that the speculative fiction webzine Brain Harvest is publishing a flash fiction piece I scribbled called "Ice Cream in Amerikkkka." Not that I'm trying to strike it rich here or anything, but this marks my second "sale" of a short story, not to mention my first "semi-pro" payment. Kinda cool.
"Ice Cream in Amerikkkka" will be published at www.brainharvestmag.com on February 19.
One of the characters in this strange little 750-word tale is "Stiles"—yes, the same Stiles that is Michael J. Fox's party animal best friend in 1985's Teen Wolf.
Not only does Stiles make a brief cameo in this story, but so does a fictional version of that cigarette-smoking Indonesian toddler who found his fifteen minutes of youtube fame not too long ago. Check this out if you haven't already:
January 10, 2012
A Review of A Clockwork Orange
So this oomny writer veck by the eemya of Anthony Burgess wrote a bloshy, interessovating,and choodnessy book that I kopatted real horrorshow. In the nachinatting, I had trouble ponying the nadsat slang used by narrator Alex and his droogs. A few pages in, I was scratching my gulliver and messeling to myself, "So why's this chelloveck forcing me to rabbit real hard to read this here raskazz, eh?" But once I became accustomed to the slovos and began to pony the argot dobbier, not only did I not mind this ostensibly bezooomny way of govoreeting, but I nachit to kopat it real horrorshow like.
Prior to reading the book, I'd viddied the starry Kubrick film quite a few times, the first viewing being way back when I was malenky more than a wee malchick. In fact, I still regard the sinny adapt as one of my favorite films (I'm a bolshy Kubrick fan). Perhaps needless to skazat, the book is much dobbier than the film. For any of my Goodreads droogs and other lewdies who have not read it—especially anyone interested in the idea of the bolshy importance of freewill as a fundamental lomtick of morality—itty get this book and read it. You'll kopat it too, so long as you don't mind oozhassny ultra-violence and the old in-out in-out relayed through the narrative goloss of a prestoopnik who is largely without remorse for his like crimes.
Once you get the hang of the nadsat, the book reads real like skorry.
In conclusion, A Clockwork Orange was a veritable radosty to read. Sodding-krovvy horrorshow, really. And if you messel that's chepooka, than you're likely a grahzny, gloopy bratchny.
December 13, 2011
On Planet Zōhlzärt, It’s Okay to Get with Your Grandpa
For better or ill, I have a new story up at The Mustache Factor, a bit of flash fiction called “On Planet Zōhlzärt, It’s Okay to Get with Your Grandpa.”
As its title strongly suggests, this story is about the fact that on planet Zōhlzärt, it’s okay to get with your grandpa.
Oh, if you’re a family member, co-worker, former teacher, or a non-writer friend of mine, please don’t bother to read this story. Seriously. There’s far better ways you can spend your free time, even if you want to spend it destroying a few brain cells. May I suggest a double shot of Jäger instead.
For the rest of you, here’s the link: On Planet Zōhlzärt…
On Planet Zōhlzärt, It's Okay to Get with Your Grandpa
For better or ill, I have a new story up at The Mustache Factor, a bit of flash fiction called "On Planet Zōhlzärt, It's Okay to Get with Your Grandpa."
As its title strongly suggests, this story is about the fact that on planet Zōhlzärt, it's okay to get with your grandpa.
Oh, if you're a family member, co-worker, former teacher, or a non-writer friend of mine, please don't bother to read this story. Seriously. There's far better ways you can spend your free time, even if you want to spend it destroying a few brain cells. May I suggest a double shot of Jäger instead.
For the rest of you, here's the link: On Planet Zōhlzärt…
DAILY FRIGHTS 2012: 366 DAYS OF DARK FLASH FICTION (LEAP YEAR EDITION)
DAILY FRIGHTS 2012: 366 DAYS OF DARK FLASH FICTION (LEAP YEAR EDITION) is now available.
This anthology includes my stories "Delmer Fry Turns One Hundred," "Grandparents Day," and "Actors and Actresses (and Others) Wanted." In addition to containing stories from many other talented contributors, the book has stories written by Kirk Jones, himself recently published alongside the likes of Jack Ketchum, Joe R. Lansdale, and Bentley Little. Therefore, it follows that at least in terms of the phenomenon of six degrees of separation, Daily Frights 2012 is just one greasy strip of Kevin Bacon removed from the writings of bona fide, veritable, honest-to-goodness, legendary Writing Gods!!
Neat, huh?
November 19, 2011
Delmer Fry Turns One Hundred
As far as its merits go, at the very least, I’ll hazard that out of everyone on my block who found themselves up after midnight this past Thursday writing a story about a forty-seven-year-old man who is willfully attached to his mother by his umbilical cord and chooses to remain so even after she dies, my story might very well be the best.
I don’t know though. There is that O’Malley kid from down the street. I wonder what he was up to that night....
Delmer Fry Turns One Hundred
Got a third story accepted for Pill Hill's forthcoming Daily Frights 2012: 366 Days of Frightening Flash Fiction. This one's called "Delmer Fry Turns One Hundred."
As far as its merits go, at the very least, I'll hazard that out of everyone on my block who found themselves up after midnight this past Thursday writing a story about a forty-seven-year-old man who is willfully attached to his mother by his umbilical cord and chooses to remain so even after she dies, my story might very well be the best.
I don't know though. There is that O'Malley kid from down the street. I wonder what he was up to that night….
