Sarah Holman's Blog, page 11
February 6, 2023
Why am I Still Single? (and other incorrect questions)

It's a completely natural and normal reaction. When we're where we don't want to be or dealing with something we never wanted to deal with, we ask why. Why we are here? What did we do to be here? How to ever avoid dealing with this again? When we're single and don't want to be, the natural reaction is to ask why we're single and how to change our status.
But what if we're asking the wrong question?
If we ask the wrong question, even if we get the right answers to those questions, it doesn't satisfy our hearts. Even worse, we often are led to the wrong conclusions because we are seeking a satisfying answer in the wrong place. And if that isn't enough, if we ask the wrong question, we're susceptible to the lies of our enemy.
Being single, there are always people who offer suggestions for why you're single, whether or not you ask. They tell you you're too excitable, not outgoing enough, need to wear different clothing, need to get out more, lose weight, be less picky about who you date, and on and on. And we fall for it. Oh, we might continue to do what we know is right, but it becomes joyless because we secretly think they might be right.
And it all goes back to our wrong questions.
Here's a truth that took me far too long to figure out. In many ways, I'm still learning. When I'm not receiving satisfying answers to my questions - answers that draw me closer to the heart of God - I need to reexamine my questions.

Why am I still single? There is no answer that can truly satisfy that question. Some guys will say you aren't pretty enough, godly enough, or skinny enough. Some people might say you're not trusting God enough, you're being too picky, or you aren't ready. The simple answer is it isn't God's timing, but that doesn't satisfy you or me.
So what's the question we should ask instead? That depends on where your heart is and what is your deepest struggle. But here are a few questions you might try. Write them down and find which resonates with you right now:What does God want me to be putting my energy into right now?What character traits should I be cultivating?What are the dreams, relationships, and activities I'm hesitant, or maybe even refusing, to surrender to God?How can I find my joy in the LORD at this point in my life?These are questions we can find the answers to. These answers will satisfy. True, it might take us some time, many prayers, and maybe a few tears to find them, but we can find them.
What incorrect questions have you been asking?
Here are a few other incorrect questions I commonly asked myself as a single and how I felt I could better reframe them.
Question: Is this person my future spouse? Better question: If I knew my relationship with this person would always be a friend and nothing more, how do I feel God would want me to treat them?
Question: Why is she getting married and having kids and I'm still single?Better question: What is preventing me from fully rejoicing with others? Is there bitterness, envy, or jealousy I need to uproot?
Question: What if I never get married?Better question: How do I wholeheartedly pursue what God is calling me to do right now?
Question: What if I end up alone?Better question: How do I build deep and meaningful relationships with those around me?
Question: Why does it have to hurt so bad right now?Better question: Am I allowing this pain to draw me closer to God or am I just demanding answers?
February 4, 2023
5 Traits to Cultivate for Future Relationships

Oh, and as a bonus, this list can also serve as traits to look for in someone else.
The older I get, the more I have found humility before God to be a core trait to cultivate and seek in others. The Bible has a lot to say about pride and the damage it does to our relationship with God and other people. Cultivating humility doesn't mean thinking less of ourselves - that is false humility. True humility comes when we remember how holy, great, and glorious God is.

Some helpful ways to cultivate humility I've found are:Reading books like Humility by Andrew Murray or Breaking Pride by Heather BixlerPurposefully meditating on the character of God (I find many Psalms helpful for this)Recognizing situations that bring out my pride and praying during those times that God will cultivate humility in my heart
I feel like one of the most neglected fruits of the spirit and yet one vital to a thriving relationship is gentleness. This is one I don't have naturally. I have a bold personality and I struggled for years because generally, gentleness is shown as weakness and a gentle person is someone who capitulates to others. It's not surprising that this is a distorted view of gentleness. Gentleness is not bowing to others, it is trusting God so deeply with your own needs that you can extend grace and mercy in the face of what others throw at you.
Gentleness is not denying your hurt or that someone has wronged you. It's handing those feelings over, knowing Jesus will provide for you so that you can extend kindness and mercy to that person. It's being silent or only saying kind things about those who've wronged you. It's watching someone you care about melting down, and instead of running away, you listen, and when the time is right, turn their attention to Jesus.

Some helpful ways to cultivate gentleness:Study how Jesus and many others responded to others. They are our guide. Jesus called himself gentle and lowly.Identify people and situations that cause you frustration and bring out abrasive tendencies. Write out a plan to respond in gentleness. Review regularly.Pray for discernment to know the difference between gentleness and capitulation.
I have found that a key in relationships is knowing how to have fun. Does this surprise you after the first two items I mentioned? If your relationships (and this includes family, and friends as well as romantic relationships) are going to thrive, not just survive, you need to know how to have fun and help others have fun. Be careful of falling into the trap that it has to look the same for everyone. My husband and I love to hike. We find this fun and we talk easier when our feet are moving and we have a goal to reach. Other people would find this pure torture.
In cultivating how to have fun remember it isn't about just what you find enjoyable. Reading and watching movies are great (I dearly love both) but when cultivating this trait with the thought of relationships, think about things that are interactive, bring out the best in you and in others, and build others up. This does not mean everything you find fun has to fit those categories, but when purposefully cultivating for future relationships, that should be your target.

Some ways to cultivate this kind of fun:Practice trying new things with your friends or family you might not love at first sight. You'll cultivate learning to enjoy what others do.Find two or three things that fit all three of the categories mentioned above (interactive, bring out the best in you, and build others up) that you love to do. Make space for them in your life. (Board games, singing with others, hiking, and hobbies are just a few ideas).Set a goal for yourself to practice having fun with others each week. Pick a sibling who you struggle to get along with as a starting point or a friend who has been distant. Having fun can transform a relationship.
I have had some friendships that have meant a lot to me that have gone up in flames. It's devastating and leaves you with emotional scars. Sadly, even romantic relationships with amazing people are not safe from betrayal and hurt. Even if we are talking about something small like a spouse forgetting a date or not coming home on time it can feel like a big deal. So what do we cultivate in times like these? While there are many right answers, the ultimate one is to anchor yourself in Jesus. People WILL disappoint you. Even your best friend, the most amazing spouse, and your closest sibling will do something that hurts. If your soul is not anchored in Jesus and what He says about you, it will be anchored in other people's actions toward you.

Ways to cultivate Jesus as your anchor: Spend time with Jesus daily. Read your Bible, pray, and meditate on Him and who you are because of Him.Read good, biblically grounded books on who you are in Christ and what biblical friendship is. I highly recommend the book Friend-ish is a good starting point for what friendship is and isn't.Identify what scares you most about relationships with others. Look at those areas as a starting guide to where you need to cultivate Jesus as your anchor.
One of the hardest skills, the scariest skills, to cultivate in relationships is reconciliation. Often, we talk about the importance of forgiveness, but in recent years, I've realized that forgiveness is one side of a two-sided coin. I have forgiven the friends who have cut me out of their lives. Am I still sad? Yes, but I've forgiven them. Forgiveness is something I can choose to do no matter the actions of another. Reconciliation, on the other hand, takes two. Reconciliation also takes action and discussion. It is harder than accepting an apology or letting go of something in your heart. It takes going to another person and discussing what happened or what was said so you can restore fellowship.
Let me share a story from my own life. In my teens, I found a bathroom set that was rubber duckies I loved. My sister Rose and I shared a bathroom and I asked her if it would be okay if I got the set for our bathroom. She said yes. However, Rose thought the set was dumb and quickly discovered having to look at it every day frustrated her. She finally came to me and told me she hated the set. It was not an easy conversation. She had to confess she resented me for that bathroom set. I felt like she had lied to me and then was angry at me when I didn't just know what I had done wrong. It took a lot of time to talk through how this had happened and find better ways to communicate so this didn't happen again. However, by the end of that, we were reconciled. She hadn't just forgiven me for buying that set and making her bathroom trips horrible and I wasn't having to continually forgive Rose for the frustration she directed my way. We had worked through a problem and dealt with the heart of it, extending and receiving forgiveness.
This skill is very, very hard to cultivate. You will sometimes try to reconcile with someone who has no interest in doing the work it takes. You will share how something someone did hurt you and they will roll their eyes and walk away. You might open a discussion only to meet with a silent wall someone has built. Conversely, it means when someone comes to you and tells you about how your words or actions hurt them, instead of justifying yourself or crumbling with the weight of it, you forge ahead with repentance where appropriate, and conversations that lead to better understanding. It means choosing to seek the best for others.

How to cultivate reconciliation:Learn about how your personality works and how other personalities work. Understanding people on some level is helpful in difficult situations.Strive to ask questions instead of making assumptions. Ascribing motives for the actions of others is a slippery slope. On the flip side, learn how to gently correct when people make assumptions or fail to ask questions of you.Practice the small things. Small issues are often a little easier to tackle. Try talking to a sibling, parent, or friend about something small you feel is hindering the relationship. Explain you're cultivating reconciliation and you want their help to learn to do it well. Know the process will be different for different people. I have one sister I have to wait until we are both a little past a situation to be able to deal with it well, while I have to deal with things in the moment with my Mom. Learn what works for each relationship.
February 2, 2023
Kingdom Single: Book Review

Read and reviewed in January 2021. Post contains Amazon Affiliate Links
Find it on: Goodreads | Kindle | Paperback | Audiobook
Age Appropriate For: 16 and up (according to your background. There are frank discussions about sex, and avoiding sexual temptation)
Best for Ages: 18 and up

Description: If you’re single and feeling incomplete or even like a second-class citizen in Christian circles, Dr. Tony Evans wants to encourage you to live fully where you are.
Kingdom Single will encourage you to see yourself as complete in Christ and free to serve Him. It will empower you to live as Kingdom men and women in a corrupt culture.
Tony Evans is a much-loved pastor and known for his sense of knowing when to encourage and when to lovingly admonish, to help people become who God calls them to be. If you are single and reading this book—or if you lead or pastor singles—your identity in Christ will be affirmed. Additionally, you will receive coaching for what to look for in a prospective spouse, and be challenged to live godly lives while pursuing Kingdom causes.
I owe you an apology, Amanda. You recommended this book to me and I inwardly rolled my eyes. Pretty much all the books for singles that I've read or looked into reading by married people were frankly less than helpful. They focused either on marriage or read more like a rant against the selfishness of singles in today's culture.
This book wasn't like that at all.
Evens starts off the book by explaining why he feels he has something to say to singles and addresses some of the reasons people might not listen to him (like the fact he's been married for many years). I already liked his humility and compassionate tone as he explained. He tore down some of the reasons I was feeling defensive about reading the book.
This book deals head-on with many issues with grace, biblical truths, and common sense. Evens spoke plainly and without sugar-coating anything, yet maintained a humble and conversational tone throughout the books. This wasn't a book of rules, do's and don'ts, or about getting singles to get to work for the church, this book addressed the heart of many struggles singles face.
One of the best things about this book for me? Evens admitted the failure of the church at large toward singles while still encouraging singles to honor God and participate in the local church. He gave a voice to the hurt and pain many singles at church feel, yet still spoke words of encouragement to not allow that pain to deter them. Yes! This is the kind of voice we need in our singleness books!
Overall, I think this is the best general book on singleness for both men and women.
Just to be clear, I took one star off simply because of several sections (single parents, divorced) that didn't really apply to me and a couple of minor theological differences.
Content notes: Sex is discussed frankly. As someone who has come from a more conservative, less sex-saturated culture than many, I did squirm a little. However, I felt the discussion was appropriate for the targeted audience.
Read and reviewed in January 2021. Post contains Amazon ...

Read and reviewed in January 2021. Post contains Amazon Affiliate Links
Find it on: Goodreads | Kindle | Paperback | Audiobook
Age Appropriate For: 16 and up (according to your background. There are frank discussions about sex, and avoiding sexual temptation)
Best for Ages: 18 and up

Description: If you’re single and feeling incomplete or even like a second-class citizen in Christian circles, Dr. Tony Evans wants to encourage you to live fully where you are.
Kingdom Single will encourage you to see yourself as complete in Christ and free to serve Him. It will empower you to live as Kingdom men and women in a corrupt culture.
Tony Evans is a much-loved pastor and known for his sense of knowing when to encourage and when to lovingly admonish, to help people become who God calls them to be. If you are single and reading this book—or if you lead or pastor singles—your identity in Christ will be affirmed. Additionally, you will receive coaching for what to look for in a prospective spouse, and be challenged to live godly lives while pursuing Kingdom causes.
I owe you an apology, Amanda. You recommended this book to me and I inwardly rolled my eyes. Pretty much all the books for singles that I've read or looked into reading by married people were frankly less than helpful. They focused either on marriage or read more like a rant against the selfishness of singles in today's culture.
This book wasn't like that at all.
Evens starts off the book by explaining why he feels he has something to say to singles and addresses some of the reasons people might not listen to him (like the fact he's been married for many years). I already liked his humility and compassionate tone as he explained. He tore down some of the reasons I was feeling defensive about reading the book.
This book deals head-on with many issues with grace, biblical truths, and common sense. Evens spoke plainly and without sugar-coating anything, yet maintained a humble and conversational tone throughout the books. This wasn't a book of rules, do's and don'ts, or about getting singles to get to work for the church, this book addressed the heart of many struggles singles face.
One of the best things about this book for me? Evens admitted the failure of the church at large toward singles while still encouraging singles to honor God and participate in the local church. He gave a voice to the hurt and pain many singles at church feel, yet still spoke words of encouragement to not allow that pain to deter them. Yes! This is the kind of voice we need in our singleness books!
Overall, I think this is the best general book on singleness for both men and women.
Just to be clear, I took one star off simply because of several sections (single parents, divorced) that didn't really apply to me and a couple of minor theological differences.
Content notes: Sex is discussed frankly. As someone who has come from a more conservative, less sex-saturated culture than many, I did squirm a little. However, I felt the discussion was appropriate for the targeted audience.
February 1, 2023
It's for all of us

The first few days of February can feel like such a time of division among ladies, am I right? The singles in one corner some of them ignoring the day, some of them grieving. The super happy people in relationships who go all out with hearts and gifts. There is the jaded ladies who like to say "just you wait" to any of those in the first two categories when they get within striking distance. In the last corner those well-meaning people that want to spiritualize everything in an awkward way instead of authentically. In fact, the only thing that unites the first three categories is kinda their mutual dislike for the last group.
Well, come to the center of the room, because here on this blog, February is for all of us. Yes, even that awkward lady over there who is always trying to get people to make Valentine's into a spiritual holiday. We all have things to learn from each other, and this blog is going to be a place where we can do that, at least to some.
This month, I'm going to be sharing posts for the single ladies, who are so precious to my heart. I'm going to have a special giveaway and several posts just for them. I'm also making a special printable for them for my newsletter. I'm also will have some posts about preparing for relationships if that is something you want to learn about.
For those who adore relationships, I'm going to be sharing some of the things I've learned through this first year of marriage, my favorite marriage books so far as well as how to host a single in your home without making anyone feel awkward.
For those who are jaded, I'm going to share some reminders I've learned during my own times of being jaded. I want to treat your heart tenderly because I know it isn't easy.
For the one who wants awkwardly spiritualizes holidays like Valentine's Day, don't worry! I think God has a lot to teach us through you, but we'll share some tips for making it authentic, not awkward.
This month is for all of us. Enjoy the journey.
January 31, 2023
Why are we never looking at the camera? (And other life events in January)

January has been a month that was more full than I expected. I had been hoping for a lot of cold writing days. Instead, we had almost spring-like weather and a lot of days where I was out and about with family. What a blessing.














One of the things that I find funny is that when my husband and I take selfies, we are really looking at the camera. I'm not sure why not, but maybe sometime we will figure it out. Anyone else have this issue?
How has your January been?
January 27, 2023
Where did my blog go?

It was right here a moment ago. My enthusiasm for starting the new year and diving back into blogging was here, but then suddenly it was gone. Where did it go? I had such passion – so many good ideas. I didn't understand where they went...
...until I stopped to think about it.
I got online and I saw what was being shared by authors and friends that had likes and comments:
Praising a girl’s article about all the things her parents taught her that were wrong.Warnings about a damaging teaching.A short video mocking people who don’t like to read.A funny video with a fake argument defending a genre.A list of things people shouldn’t say to someone going through a certain struggle.All of these things have some value. None of them are wrong in of themselves. But do you notice what I do? It’s all coming from a defensive and negative point. Yet, I get it. If you share something from a positive and happy point of view, you don’t get as much of a response. This is even true with book reviews. I rarely get a comment on a book I give five stars to, but usually get a few when I post a negative review.
So why did realizing this trend discourage me to the point I wasn’t blogging? I know that not participating in some trends sometimes means fewer people see my work. Like it or not, what is trending does affect what people are looking for. I looked at what I wanted to do and was good at doing and I see there isn’t as much of a market for it even from when I started.
I’m not good at making videos. I’ve tried.I feel there is far too much tearing down out there. We need to spend a lot more time encouraging and building up.I’m not a trend setter or even the best at what I do.When realized what had been holding me back from blogging, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and I had so many ideas for blog posts and fun. So there is more coming to this more. And once again, I’m reminded that I have a lot of learning to do. I’m grateful that God is such a patient teacher.
Did you enjoy this post? It reminded me of this one I wrote in 2017.
January 16, 2023
Top 10 books of 2022
From my first read of the year, Wildwood Creek by Lisa Wingate, to the last The American Pony by Elisabeth Grace Foley, it has been a pretty awesome reading year. I focused this year on reading the books on my to-read list on Goodreads. I was hoping to get the number down to 100, but I didn't make that. However, I made a lot of progress.
Here are some of my fun stats. If you want to see all my Goodreads stats, go HERE.



Shall we get to my top ten books for 2022? I know I'm excited to share! But here is a fun tidbit first: For the first time, one author got three slots on my top 10 list!
#10 ~ Daican's Heir by Jaye L. Knight

I was so honored to get an advanced reader copy of this book. Part of me feels like the end was so long in coming. Another part of me can't believe it's over. This story was emotional, satisfying, and so full of godly characters and truth. I Ablsutlty adored the fact so much grace, mercy, and forgiveness were extended to people who didn't deserve it or often even want it. It's something we don't see enough of in fiction in my opinion. Read this series and pre-order this book!
#9 ~ Heaven Rules by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth

This book was a gift from Mom. I've listened/read stuff by Nancy since I was in my teens. This was an amazing book about one favorite Biblical character. Honestly, I got so much out of this while reading through Daniel. It was a wonderful reminder that God is in control.
#8 ~ The Blackout Book Club

Amy Lynn Green has become a favorite author since her first book. Each book delves into an interesting historical perspective with a story that isn't based on romance. This book explored friendship and she hit it out of the park. I loved it because, in the end, the friendships were so realistic, not everyone is best buddies, or shares everything, but it's still so satisfying. I just adored this story.
#7 ~ Cherish by Gary Thomas

Not only did I read this book and it make this list, but I've started giving it to every couple getting married I know. I loved how positive this book was. So many books recommended to me about marriage make things sound so hard and sad. As a newlywed, I'm not really ready for those books. However, this book was so good about cherishing your spouse for who they are and as a gift from God. I will be rereading this book and continue to challenge myself to cherish Scott no matter the circumstances.
#6 ~ A Roumered Fortune by Joanna Davidson Politano

Amazon | Goodreads | Audible | My reviewHere we go, the first of Politano's books on my list. Her books just reached deep into my heart and soul this year. I devoted all of her books and couldn't wait for her next book. She has an absolutely amazing writing style, strong female characters that aren't trying to be guys, and her faith elements are so, so strong. I listened to this book when I was having a rough time and it just helped point me upward to Jesus.
#5 ~ Friendish by Kelly Needham

#4 ~ Finding Lady Enderly by Joanna Davidson Politano

#3 ~ All that Really Matters by Nicole Deese

#2 ~ The Love Note by Joanna Davidson Politano

#1 ~ Strong in Battle by Suie Larson

What were your top reads of 2022?
January 14, 2023
Kindle Unlimited Giveaway!
January 2, 2023
2022, You Were Great

I sat down a few times to write an end-of-year post for 2022, but the words just wouldn't seem to come. Usually, when I don't have words to talk about my life, it is because I'm very tired, which is true.
November and December were very full months, with both ups and downs. They left me with the need for some downtime, which I'm very happy to report I'm getting this week. Let me show you a few things from the last part of my year.







2022 has been a very good year. There were sad moments, but mostly, it was full of laughter, joy, and smiles. I am grateful to God for all the good times this year has held, and trust him with the hard things. On to the new year!