Sarah Holman's Blog, page 2

Episode #24: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

 I walked around the fabric aisle and waited for inspirationto strike. I had decided that what I needed was a project that would take memore than a week to finish. One that would keep me busy for a while. Sewing ona quilt seemed like a good idea.

I sipped my iced tea and was grateful for the gift card Ihad received as an early birthday gift. It would help me with this expensiveundertaking.

I wandered away from the fabric and over the magazines to lookfor inspiration. And there it was. A quilt on the cover of one of them. It hadbold prints bordered with black fabric. While the quilt they showed was ratherhideous, I knew exactly what I would do. I flipped open the magazine and theyhad details of how much fabric you needed for what size bed and they had some alternateversions on the quilt. I smiled as I spotted one that was forest animal themedwith a green broader.

I returned to the fabric. I browsed and finally decided Iwould make a girly quilt. I picked up a rose-patterned quilt and some pinks andgreens that went with it. I decided to border these with white. I selected awhite with a pattern in a slightly different shade of white. It would bebeautiful.

 

“I love what you picked out!” Ivy enthused as she watched mecut the fabric into squares as she worked on cutting out a craft for the kidsshe nannied

I smiled. “Thank you!”

Meg looked up from her mending. “It’s going to be a lot ofwork.”

I didn’t take my eyes off cutting another square of fabric.“I know, that’s why I chose a simple pattern. I’ve made a quilt before. Thisone just squares and strips.”

“Well, I think it’s a great idea.” Ivy fingered the pink fabricwith lace printed on it. “Maybe we could make a quilt for my bed too.”

I smiled at her. “I think that would be fun. You want aquilt to, Meg?”

She snorted. “I’ll wait to see if you finish this one andthe one for Ivy before I put in an order.”

I exchanged a smile with Ivy. “I think Meg doubts my abilityto complete this project.”

Meg’s smile appeared. “I don’t doubt your ability, just thetime.”

I sighed as I thought of the hours of work and how the emotionaltoll of our parents living apart had sapped so much of my energy. But I wantedto do this. I wanted to push past the depressed feeling and to do somethingthat was beautiful and good. I wanted to truly surrender the future to God.

“Can we go pick out fabrics for mine?” Ivy asked. “I think Iwant one with purple fabrics.”

I loved her enthusiasm and I need to do more to be happythings with my siblings that was happy and fun.

The boys entered the living room. “We were going to watch amovie. Is that okay?” Asa looked at the quilting project, Ivy’s paper pieces,and Megs pile of clothes.

“I wouldn’t mind watching a movie while I work,” Meg said.

Ivy sighed. “I’m supposed to do something every day with thekids between now and the 4th of July to talk about the importance ofAmerican Independence. How much is a three-year-old going to get? But at leastthese Pilgrims will be fun for them to glue together.”

I nodded. “I’ll watch as long as it’s a happy movie.”

Asa tried to keep a straight face but failed. “Like thatfunny movie where the dog dies?”

We all laughed.

 

Sunday afternoon was quiet. Asa and Ben were out withfriends, Ivy was taking a nap, and Meg and Mom sat reading. I laid out thepieces of my quilt, proud of all I had accomplished. Over the course of theweek, I had nearly finished the top. I just had one more seam to finish. Ofcourse, finishing the top didn’t mean that I was done with the quilt, but itwas something.

Not only that, there was something about putting togetherthat felt as if I was stitching part of myself back together. But it wasn’t medoing the stitching. I had never quite understood why fasting was such a bigdeal, but now I understand how it caused desperation in your soul. I had cometo the end of me and realized that God was all I needed.

I ran my hand over a slight imperfection in my quilt. WhileI wanted to make everything perfect, I knew it wouldn’t be. Not in my quilt andnot in my life. Yet, God was making something wonderful with my life and withthe lives of others. I had to surrender to Him. A simple answer, perhaps, butone I needed to remember.

I finished the last seam and folded the quilt top up andplaced it in the corner. I would work on finishing it next week. I grabbed my currentbook, a re-reading of Little Men and then I paused.

In the corner where I had shoved it, lay my canvas bag withmy mercies notebook and joy list I hadn’t even looked at.

I took a deep breath and withdrew the notebook. I pagedthrough many of the items I had written down. I pulled out a pen and turned toa blank page.

God’s mercy: He ismerciful when I want to give up.

God’s mercy: Hepursues me when I am running away

God’s mercy: Hecreated fasting to drive us towards Him

God’s mercy: I amfinding peace in surrender and hope in letting go

Weekly Mercy: God isstitching my back together. 

Episode #23: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

May was ending and June was beginning. I was so grateful forall the work at the store. With summer coming, we had a lot going on. Oursummer reading events for kids were gearing up. We had two homeschool groupsthat would be using our shop as a place for their kid’s summer book clubs. Wewere having twice a week children’s events as well as special displays for teensand adult summer reading.

The work kept me busy and distracted for which I wasthankful. When I went home at night, both my sisters wanted to tell me abouthow hard it was to come home without Dad. Ben wanted to tell me about thelatest text from Dad.

I still felt so numb. I finished arranging the teen shelfand knew it was time I clocked out for the day. It had been a short shift today,but they couldn’t afford overtime every week. I waved at Lacie and headed outthe door. I knew I should go straight home, but I had no commitments. I made myway to the park.

As I pulled up, I looked out at the creek that went throughthe middle of the park and I took a deep breath. I should eat my lunch and enjoya stroll before I returned home.

Take a day to fast and pray.

I pushed away the thought from my list. I wasn’t sure Iwould do anything from the list or write in my mercies notebook again. I justdidn’t think I could do it.

What could it hurt?

I looked toward my lunch bag and pushed open my door. Igrabbed my water bottle and purse and headed down toward the path that ledalong the creek. I probably wouldn’t actually take the day to fast and pray,but I might delay my lunch a little bit and pray. Maybe God would give me somepeace about what had been going on.

 

The sun was setting. I knew I had walked a long way and had beensitting in this spot among the trees for a long time. I had texted my family totell them I had decided to take some time to pray by myself.

Hunger gnawed at me.

“God,” I whispered. “I don’t understand. Are you going totake everything from me? If my parents’ marriage falls apart, I don’t think Iwill ever be whole again, not if it happens right now.”

I had said different variations of this several times. Itwas odd. I hadn’t fasted from food very often in my life on purpose. I alwaysthought it was for other people who were more spiritual to do. Besides, Ididn’t do well if I didn’t eat. Yet, as I looked toward the colors in the sky,I realized that was exactly the point. Every time I felt hunger, felt myself inneed of food, I turned to God.

I stood and started walking back the way I had come. Ineeded to try to make it back to the car before it got to dark. I felt weak. Iwas so hungry. I was desperate.

“Don’t You care that all this is shattering me?” I said indesperation. “All of this is crushing the life out of me!”

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, butnot destroyed.

I had memorized those verses so long ago. And they return tome. Tears sprang to my eyes. “How long will I be hard-pressed, Father? If youtake my family…”

I stopped and looked toward the sunset. Would I trust Godeven if it meant He took what I longed for? Yes, it would shatter my heart, butcould I trust Him with my pieces? I wanted to give a quick yes to thatquestion, but I couldn’t I kept walking.

I’m so hungry

What if God doesn’t give me the outcome I want?

Why can’t I just trust Him? Because I know trusting Himmeans surrendering what I want and leaving it in God’s care.

My thoughts raced. I picked up my pace, wishing I couldoutrun the thoughts.

I tripped and I caught myself against a tree. I lookedupward toward the sky and then dropped my gaze. I came face to face with theugly truth. I wanted to trust God, but I didn’t think He wanted my good – or myparent's good - as much as I wanted it. I walked and I thought through times inmy life when I had trusted things to God. How many times I had ended up withbetter, more wonderful plans. There were some times I had trusted God withsomething and realized that he had never given it back.

Can you trust Me now?

I again looked to the sky, the sun just a sliver on thehorizon.

My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is madeperfect in weakness.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and I had never felt somuch like I was in a battle. Fear, truth, and hope warred in my soul. I tookanother breath and looked toward the sky. What choice did I have? I couldn’tmake my parents have a happy marriage. I couldn’t make Jessie come back. Icouldn’t make someone love me. I couldn’t make my sibling happy. I couldn’teven gain hope and joy on my own, not the real, deep kind.

I paused. Looking around me to make sure I was alone, Idropped to my knees.

“Father, I’m acknowledging the truth that You are in controlno matter what. But would you please help me?” Teare squeezed out of my closedeyes. “And if You choose to take anything like my parents…” I took a breath andslowly formed the words. “I will trust You. If You shatter me, I am shattered.And You are the only one who could even begin to put together the pieces.”

I stood. I was exhausted, but somehow, I felt a battle hadbeen won. I took a deep breath and moved rapidly down the path. This day wouldbe going in my mercy notebook.

 

A much-needed surrenderingof my future to God

Episode #22: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

 

I had never thought I would find church so hard as I had theday before. Somehow, I felt like our family had failed. Weren’t Christiancouples supposed to stay together? What would people think of me now that myfamily wasn’t whole?

“God can still heal this. Remember this isn’t the end.”

I sighed and tried to hold onto Joan’s words but I justcouldn’t. Would guys think I couldn’t keep my marriage vows if my parentscouldn’t?

Get a grip, Pam. Your parents aren’t divorced yet! Justdo your job and try to hold onto hope.

I blinked as I straightened the children’s area as onehomeschool group left, knowing we had another coming in an hour. I tried tofocus on the work and not think, but my mind wouldn’t be silenced.

What would Evan think?

What does it matter? We were only ever friends and notamazing ones at that. Stop being obsessed with him.

I’m not obsessed, but do I really think that someone likehim from an amazing family would ever look at me as a potential spouse?

If they didn’t, they would be counting the parents’sins against the children. Not very Christlike.

But can’t we all admit that some things are passed down?Maybe you should stop thinking about marriage at all.

I took a long breath. The arguments going through my headrepeated and continued to the point I thought I would go crazy. Also, why did Ihave to argue like this with myself? Some counselor or psychiatrist wouldprobably think I was crazy.

“Miss Pam!”

I turned and Molly stood with a book in her hand. I smiled.“Hello there, Molly.”

“Have you read this book?” She held out a book for me toinspect.

I smiled at the cutely illustrated cover. “I have, but it’sbeen years.”

She nodded. “My friend at church gave it to me when shefinished reading it. She has red hair just like Anne of Green Gables.”

I smiled at her. I thought about my Green Gables phase,which had been less about the books and more about the Megan Follows movies. Ihad once wanted to dress like they did in the movies and visit Prince EdwardIsland.

“Mamma…I mean, Aunt Lacie says I can read it all by myself.”

I gave her a hug. “That’s wonderful.”

Molly sighed. “I keep calling Aunt Lacie Mama by mistake.”

I knelt down so I could be at eye level with the child. “Idon’t think she minds.”

Molly hugged the book to her chest. “But she is my AuntLacie, not my mama. Anna calls her mama though.”

I silently prayed for wisdom and patience I didn’t have atthe moment. “Is that hard for you?”

She nodded. “I don’t want to forget Papa and Mama. Annedidn’t pretend Marilla and Matthew were her parents.”

I again prayed for wisdom and gentle words I didn’t have inme. “I don’t think your sister is pretending. Yes, Jared and Lacie are youruncle and aunt, not your parents. But they are your guardians which is likethey are your parents, even if they didn’t give birth to you. Anna is callingthem what they mean to her.”

Molly looked down at her book. “But I still want them tojust by my uncle and aunt.”

I patted her shoulder “That’s okay too. Did you know we havethe whole Anne of Green Gables series here?”

“Really? Where?”

I breathed out a sigh of relief. I didn’t think I could dealmuch with the heavy emotions of others and took her to see the books.

I returned to the front counter and checked out an elderlywoman purchasing books for her granddaughters. Next, I had a tea order to makefor a young mom and her two kids. I was grateful it was a busier than normalMonday.

As soon as the next book club’s drink orders were filled andI made sure they had what they needed, I moved toward a box behind the counterof items that needed discount stickers put on them. I would need to update ourclearance rack.

I let out another long sigh as I pushed my canvas bag offthe box. It held my mercies notebook and my list of things to do. I should picksomething to do this week. I should think of something that I could put in mymercies notebook.

I put one earbud in and put on some music to try to settlemy nerves. I should keep listening to my audiobook or think of things to putinto my mercies notebook, instead, I let the instrumental soundtrack play as Iapplied sale stickers to the box of items.

 

I paused the Anne of Green Gables movie. I should get tobed. I looked toward the canvas bag. I needed to put something down in mynotebook and pick something on the list to do.

I swallowed and turned out the lights. Perhaps I should, butI just couldn’t this week. I would try again the next week, but I just didn’tfeel like trying to see God’s mercy in the midst of this pain nor did I thinkdoing something fun would help me be more hopeful.

A tear slipped down my cheek and I turned in my bed. “I’msorry, Father.” I prayed. “It just hurts so bad.”

Somehow, I felt like He understood.

Episode #20 & 21: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

 

Hey friends! Sorry for the delay. I got sick and didn't even think about my blog. So today, you get two episodes and hopefully, I'll get into a better blogging rhythm.

Things at the store were slow. I sipped my vanilla carameltea and looked around for something to fill my time as I waited for four PM. Atthat time I would set up for a book club we were hosting. For once, I had thewhole shop in order. What was I to do?

I looked toward the window at the rain pattering against thesidewalk. It was probably why we didn’t have any customers, but I thought it was a perfect day to be curled up in a bookshop with a tea counter.

I took my cup of tea and moved around the shelves. I madesome minor adjustments and entered the kid’s area. Since we hadn’t had manykids this rainy day, and those few had been well-behaved, there hadn’t meantmuch that needed straightening.

I looked at the shelves that housed some of my childhoodfavorites as well as newer children’s books. I smiled as I fingered a beautifuledition of the Chronicles of Narnia. Perhaps I should reread it. I remembered TheHorse and His Boy had been my favorite.

My eyes drifted to some of the Narnia-inspired merchandisewe kept around and sold regularly. I pulled out the coloring book. While I hadsold many of these, I hadn’t taken the time to look at them. After all, it hadbeen years since I had read any of the Narnia books. The coloring book containedsome of the original art from the books and coloring pages inspired bythat art. What a cozy idea to curl up with one of the Narnia books and acoloring book.

I looked toward the door. There still wasn’t a customer. Islid the coloring book from the shelf and returned to the front desk. I openedmy library app and discovered what I had hoped: an audiobook of The Lion theWitch and the Wardrobe. After I paid for the coloring book, I dug out thecolored pencils behind the counter that were kept there for Molly and Anna.

I soon found myself swept back to my childhood. I sipped mytea and colored as I watched the rain outside with a peaceful feeling. I hadplanned to get a coloring book for one of my weekly fun things, this was theperfect day for it. 

“How long did you color for?” Ivy asked, sitting on thefloor of my room as she painted her nails.

I shrugged. “For over an hour. I set up for the book cluband had ten minutes after that before we got a customer. I feel sorry for Jaredand Lacie for having to pay me for the time but it was nice and relaxing.

Ivy sighed. “That must have been nice. It seems like thekids I nanny just get worse on cloudy days. I tried to read them a book and thetwo boys kept fighting.”

Meg snorted. “Well, don’t forget, Pam also has to deal with Mrs.Kingston and that author guy on a regular basis. I think every job has its upsand downs.”

I shared a smile with Meg even as Ivy rolled her eyes.”

“Maybe we could watch the Narnia movie together tonight.” Ivyoffered.

“ooo! Which one?”

We looked up to see the boys standing in the doorway, bothin their uniforms from work. Ben was unbuttoning the top button of his niceshirt, as usually glad to be done with the formal wear of his office for theday. Asa stood in his fast-food uniform. He had just been promoted and talkedabout one day owning his own location. We would see where he went.

“I don’t think we want to start this war,” Meg said.

“Oh, let’s start it.” Asa plopped down next to Ivy. “Shall Iget the good version?”

I shook my head, knowing what would come next.

Ben cleared his throat. “If by good you mean the one thatfollowed the book better, you can find the BBC sitting in my room.”

“The animals are creepy!” Ivy and Asa said together and thenlaughed.

We were all laughing. When we were young, we oftenwatched the 1980s BBC Narnia together. Of course, some of us, me being one ofthem, adored it for the nostalgia of our childhood. Ben loved it because it wascloser to the book. Ivy didn’t mind what we watched if we were watching together.Meg and Asa thought the more modern adaptation by Disney was superior.

“Well, if you want creepy puppets…” Asa started.

“Well, if you want CGI everything…” Ben countered.

“If you want an Aslan with a good voice, verses one thatsounds asleep…” Meg offered.

I laughed. What had started as a serious debate in our teenswas now a fun-filled argument of our adulthood.

“Pam?” Ben looked at me.

I smiled. “I’ll make popcorn while y’all argue it out.” WhileI was feeling in a nostalgic mood as the rain continued to fall outside, Iwould be happy with whichever movie we picked. As I made popcorn, the BBCversion won out. Asa added pizza pockets to the offerings and Meg made a veggietray. We piled on the couch and the movie began.

I gave a happy sigh and then looked upward. This had been awonderful and peaceful day. I silently thanked God for it right before enteringinto a discussion about the fashion of the two Narnia versions.

Sittingon my bed as the rain continued to pour outside. I pulled out my mercies notebook.

Rainy Days

The Chronicles ofNarnia

Sibling time

Peaceful day

Hope

Again, as I wrote that last work, the tears slipped down mycheek. It was true, I was feeling hope again. It had been so long since I had aday that truly felt peaceful, and this one had.

God was bringing healing and hope into my life.

Episode #21

I looked at the back of my closet. I had finished listeningto The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe and was planning on starting on The Horse and His Boy. In re-listening to the first book, an idea frommy childhood had resurrected. I had thought it would be fun to paint a lamppostat the back of the closet.

I smiled to myself as I envisioned some rainy day pushingaside my clothes and seeing a little bit of Narnia.

As the painting day with my siblings had shown me, I was noartist. I decided I would try though. I had a dozen things I should do, but Iwanted to escape reality for a while. Mom and Dad had left for counseling andthey hadn’t looked happy. Why weren’t things getting better? Was counselingmaking it worse?

I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to thinkabout anything. I dug out my tubes of paint, grateful I had a lot of black, and pulledmy clothes out of the closet.

Using a pencil, I sketched an outline as I listened to theopening chapter of The Horse and His Boy. How I remembered loving thisstory. I finally was satisfied with my outline and I pulled out the paints. Istarted filling in the black parts, as the horse taught Shasta to ride.

“Pam?”

I looked up. Mom stood in the doorway, her eyes red. I stoodand swallowed. “Yes?”

“Could you come to the living room?”

 

“Pam?” I blinked and then shook myself. The customer wasstaring at me. I realized I had already asked her to repeat her order twice andit was something very simple yet it hadn’t sunk into my brain.

Lacie gently pushed me out of the way and completed to order.I stood there blinking trying to get myself to care or even respond to what wasgoing on, but I couldn’t seem to shake myself out of the stupor I was in. Ifelt numb all over.

“Pam?”

I stared at Lacie and tried to think, tried to feel, try todo anything other than just stare. How had I made it safely to work? Oh,right, I had put on some loud music and refused to think about what my parentshad said. And then I entered the store and I saw a book my dad loved on anendcap and my brain had frozen and I couldn’t seem to get it unstuck.

“Pam, I’ve got to admit, you’re scaring me. I’m wondering ifI should call 911.”

I swallowed and shook my head. “I’m sorry it’s just that…” Itook a deep breath and the tears started and the pain in my heart was so sharp.I wanted the numbness back.

“Pam?”

I sank to the floor, and muffled my sobs with my hands, notwanting to scare the customers. I forced myself to stand and I rushed to theback room and broke out with guttural sobbing, still muffling it with my hands.

“Pam?”

I gulped in breaths as Lacie came towards me and finallygained enough control. To speak. “My…Dad… moving out.”

Lacie sank beside me. “Your parents are divorcing?”

I shook my head, even as the sobs shook me even harder.

Lacie stroked my hair for a moment. “You just stay back hereas long as you need and then you can come talk to me.”

I sobbed longer and harder than I had in years. I hatedmyself for it, but I couldn’t stop for a long time. Finally, the sobs subsidedand I pulled myself together. I used the tiny employee bathroom to splash wateron my face. I smoothed my hair and stepped out into the bookshop. A few people were browsing the book store and I kept my head down as I made my way toLacie at the tea counter. I slid onto one of the customer stools.

“I’m sorry,” I said in a small voice. “You don’t have to payme for this morning.”

Lacie waved her hand. “What’s going on?” She set a mug oflavender spearmint tea in front of me.

“My parents have been in counseling, but they…” I took a shudderingbreath. “It hasn’t been going well. It was decided my parents needed some timeapart to heal. It just…” I wiped at my nose and then rolled my eyes atmy gesture. Couldn’t I at least avoid being gross?

“That is hard.” Lacie offered.

“If my parents can’t stay married, who can?” I blurted.  It took a sip of the tea and regretted it. Ithurt going down. I couldn’t eat or drink right now. “And my siblings and Istayed up late and I tried to be strong for them and…”

Lacie’s hand on my arm stopped me. “They aren’t getting adivorce and God still has a plan here.”

I slapped a hand on the counter. “I’ve been trusting Him andI know where that leads. I lost my best friend. I saw the guy I liked leave mylife. What will I do if He takes my parents?” I was crying again. “I can’t takeit.”

Lacie came around and pulled me into a hug. “That’s morethan any person can endure. Paul himself talked about going through things beyondhis ability to endure. But he knew God would deliver him. His hope and focus weren’ton an outcome - it was on the Author of his story. God is writing your story,Pam, not the people who hurt you.”

I stared at her and slowly found the words penetrating myheart.

When I got home from work, I put the clothes back into thecloset and left the lamppost unfished. I stared at the mercies notebook anddidn’t think I could ever look at it again.

I finished getting ready for bed and pulled the notebookinto my lap. I opened it and went through all the things I had written down.

I decided I should add the words I wanted my heart to know,even if I didn’t believe them fully.

Today’s mercy: God iswriting my story, not the people, or circumstances, that are hurting me.

Episode #18: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

 

I looked over the list I had written on January 1stand couldn’t believe that April was almost over. How could it be May already? Ilooked over the list and tried to decide what I should do for the week.

“You look deep in thought.”

I smiled up at Joan. “I didn’t notice you come in.”

She smiled back and slid into the booth. “You seemed very absorbed.”

“I was going over my list, trying to decide which of theseto do this week.” I waved the list.

Joan nodded. “Have you narrowed it down?”

I glanced at the items on the list. “I was thinking aboutgetting a new phone case, taking a hike, or starting that gratitude jar.”

Joan nodded. “And what are you doing this week to feed yoursoul?”

I took a sip of my iced tea. “Well, I’m continuing my biblereading plan. I’m all caught up for the year. Oh, and I’m listening toChristian music more. I find worshiping on my commute helps.”

Joan nodded.

I chewed on my lip nervously as the waitress came to takeour order. Somehow. I knew the answer didn’t satisfy her.

I decided I would I didn’t want to wait for her to gentlylead me to whatever she was thinking. “Do you think I should be doing more? AmI missing something?”

She smiled at me and shook her head.  “It isn’t that you need to do more or bemore, Pam. I just want to make sure you aren’t just checking off boxes buttruly healing from the pain you’ve experienced.”

I wanted to roll my eyes, but all I allowed myself was toreadjust in my seat. “Checkboxes help me. I mean, some days I get more out ofmy bible reading than others, but I am glad to be in it every day. I think thislist and the mercies notebook really are helping me.”

“Oh, of that I have no doubt,” Joan still smiled at me. “Ican see the joy and excitement you have when you enjoy something off the list or even when you can laugh at your failures. However, you also have to makesure that you’re doing the heart work of forgiving and moving to a deeperhealing and hope.”

I let out a long breath. “I’ve read a book on forgiveness, and that helps. But I can’t lie. I miss Jessie. I’m frustrated at how myparents don’t seem to be making any progress forward. Don’t they want to savetheir marriage?”

Just saying those things aloud made me sad. I stared at mylist.

Joan reached out across the table. “I think what you’ve beendoing is wonderful. I think it has reaped wonderful benefits in your life. But Iwant you to spend some time thinking about what you have suffered and aresuffering. Think of how to nourish your soul as well. I love the quote: I have learned to kiss the wave thatthrows me against the rock of ages. The things you’re suffering and havesuffered aren’t just things to be pushed through. They are things to beembraced as a means of grace in your life.”

I blinked. I thought of going home to my parents, coldly ignoringeach other and yet telling us things would get better with a little more counseling.I didn’t think I could embrace or be happy about what they were going through.

The waitress brought our food.

Joan winked at me. “Just think about it.

 

Joan’s words bothered me for the next couple of days. Itdidn’t help that I kept stumbling across verses about counting suffering as joyand all that. I sat in my room, decorating a jar I had picked up for less thana dollar at the thrift store with leaf stickers.

I snagged my phone.

Hey Crystal! I was challenged this week to embracesuffering and I’m not sure how to do that or if that’s even possible.

I shared the Spurgeon quote with her and then went back tomy decorating. How could I thank God for the pain? That didn’t seem likesomething I could honestly do. My phone dinged.

Anything that draws you closer to God is a blessing. Iheard this quote and it challenges me often. I think the real question is: am Iletting the rough things in my life bring me into closer fellowship with Jesusor am I letting them cause me to get discouraged and just wanting things to bedifferent?

I stared down at the words.

Oh, and FYI, I fall short of this so often. It’s somethingI’m working towards, not something I’ve reached.

I chuckled and returned to decorating my jar. I thoughtabout the things I would put into this jar if I kept up with the practice. Icould easily see myself dropping gratitude for restored relationship withJessie or my parents’ marriage being healed, but I couldn’t imagine droppingone into the jar that said I’m thankful Jessie crushed my heart or Thankfulfor my parents’ marriage having issues.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you facetrials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith producesperseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature andcomplete, not lacking anything.

I had memorized the verses in James when I was young, and now,they came back to me. I sat back and looked around my room. I wanted to countit all joy, but I didn’t think I could be grateful for that…yet.

But I looked again toward the gratitude jar. Someday, Iwould be able to drop those hurts into their as things that brought me closerto Jesus. Maybe, someday, I would be able to put hard things into the jar asthey were happening, but I wasn’t there yet. But I wanted to get there.

I took a deep breath and pulled out my mercies notebook

God is merciful towardme as I grow into the person He wants me to be because I’m nowhere close…yet

Episode #17: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

 

Christthe Lord is risen today, Alleluia!
Earth and heaven in chorus say, Alleluia!
Raise your joys and triumphs high, Alleluia!
Sing, ye heavens, and earth reply, Alleluia!

I stood looking at the stage of our church, decked out forEaster and gave a happy sigh. My family sat around me, I looked pretty good inmy new easter outfit, and hope just exuded from the day. After all, it was hardnot to be hopeful on the day Jesus conquered sin and death. I sang with myheart.

Love's redeeming work is done, Alleluia!

Fought the fight, the battle won,Alleluia!

Death in vain forbids him rise,Alleluia!

Christ has opened paradise, Alleluia!

 

I wanted to shout for joy, real joy.  Easter had always been a favorite of mine, butthe true hope Jesus offered by His work was so amazing and I could feel thathope flowing through me.

Livesagain our glorious King, Alleluia!
Where, O death, is now thy sting? Alleluia!
Once he died our souls to save, Alleluia!
Where's thy victory, boasting grave? Alleluia

There was the normal shuffle as someone prayed. I confess Ihave a hard time closing my eyes during the prayer. I find it very interestingto watch as the worship team steps off, the sound team scurrie to make adjustmentsand the pastor gets into place.

Pastor Dave smiled at us. “He is Risen.”

“He is Risen indeed!” I said, along with so many others.

“Easter is always such a special day. But often we celebratethe wrong thing.”

Inwardly, I cringed and was ready to tune out. We weren’texactly an Easter Bunny church. My family had gone to maybe three Easter Egghunts in my childhood. I felt my excitement for the sermon slipping.

“We often celebrate Jesus coming to make bad people good,”Pastor Dave said. “But that isn’t what He came to do. He came to make deadpeople live again.”

I let out a long breath. Now, there was a message I could getbehind and needed.

And as the pastor continued. I realized I needed it morethan I thought. In my quest to restore hope and joy, I had lost sight of the fact that I needed new life and only Jesus could give that.

 

I grabbed a cup of lavender vanilla tea at work and startedto take down the Easter decorations in the store. In an hour, when the storeopened. I wanted to be well on my way to having our new seasonal display up. Iloved all the books and items Lacie had picked out for our spring display. Iremoved all the Easter books and put them on the cart to be returned to the back room.I wove the beautiful spring garlands around the shelves and moved the booksthat were staying into the correct places.

Jesus didn’t come to make bad people good, but to bringdead people to life.

The sermon would be with me for a while. It made me think ofCarol. I wondered how she was doing. I should message her and tell her how hernew year’s post had impacted me. Oh! I needed to decide what I would dothis week from my list.

I stepped back from the display and smiled at how cheerfulthe flowers looked on the display case. That was what I would do! I would getflowers and arrange them.

 

I watched a couple of videos and decided I just wanted tohave fun arranging the flowers I bought. I like the idea of lookingprofessional, but it was more effort than I wanted to go into. I arranged the greenery,baby’s breath, and pink carnations out in front of me and put my earbuds in. Iwas listening through an old favorite. Pollyanna. I adored the book. Ididn’t understand how Pollyanna had ever become a cultural way of sayingshallow optimism because that wasn’t what the book offered.

It had been far too long since I had read this story. Ismiled as I remembered my mother reading this book aloud to us one summer. Imissed our homeschooling days. Actually, I just missed our family being happytogether. What had happened to change things?

Jesus came to make dead people live again.

I brushed a tear from my nose and then another. If that iswhat Jesus had come to do, why wasn’t he doing it for my parents’ marriage? Whydid my parents still barely talk to each other after the months of counseling?Why did I still feel like there was a part of my heart that was dead because ofall that had happened with Jessie?

“Why aren’t You bringing life?” I asked, pushing a stem of greeneryinto the vase.

I retrieved my Bible and went over some of the sections Ihad read recently. How many times had God been working and people not recognized it at the time? Abraham waiting for Isaac. Joseph spent years in prison. Godtook the people on a long route to the promised land. God had a plan, but itwasn’t easy to understand. Many people never did.

I took a deep breath and felt myself choking on my tears.Knowing God had a plan and living it out were two different things.

“Please help me to trust Your plan.” I prayed. I returned toarranging my flowers and listening as Pollyanna pulled a whole town intoplaying the glad game. As soon as all four vases were filled, I pulled out my merciesnotebook.

The knowledge thatJesus can bring life out of dead things

Knowing that God has aplan

God’s mercy in knowingthat my heart and brain may falter and sometimes doubt, but He is faithful

For spring flowers

I love the book Pollyanna, which you can read for free HERE.

Easter Reads (Including a free short story)

 Want something to get you in the mood for Easter? I have four books for you!

If He Lives Free 15 -19

An Easter Canticle on Sale 16-23

Father, Forgivie Them $0.99

Joseph of Amamathia $0.99

Also, enjoy an Easter episode of The Weekly Marcies of Pam Ellis coming on Monday!

Episode #16: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

 

I shouldn’t have waited this long, but work and life hadbeen so full. I walked into the store, which had boasted cute Easter dresses thelast couple of years. I walked past a manikin displaying some weird t-shirtsand distressed jeans. Would that trend ever die? Would I live to see the daywhere people stopped paying extra to have jeans already ripped?

I went to a rack of dresses. This looked promising. Therewere lacy-looking dresses, as well as floral printed dresses. No, that one wasalmost see-through. This other one was cute…if it didn’t have a slit up theside that would give a great view of my often forgotten-to-shave legs.

I moved to a different rack. I snickered at one dress, whichmy sisters and I would call a fishing dress, the kind a girl might put on whenshe wanted to fish for a man. I then spotted a pretty purple dress with flowerson it. It was simple and pretty. I grabbed the one in my size, which made mewish it was easy to lose twenty or so pounds, and made my way to the dressingroom.

I looked in the mirror and laughed. While a pretty dress, itwas unflattering on me. The sleeves were puffy, which made me look fat.

After changing back into my own clothes, I put the dressback onto the rack. Perhaps, attaching one of my week's ideas to something asuncertain as being able to find an Easter dress had been a bad idea.

So just have fun.

I smiled at my own thought. I should. I should have fun evenif it didn’t net me a dress. I went to another store. They were smaller, but Iliked not having to wade through miles of racks.

I turned and saw a manikin in a lacy skirt and a pale pinkfloral top. I loved it. I walked around and I found the rack. Amazingly, theyhad my sizes of both. As soon as I got to the dressing room, I eagerly put themon.

I smiled into the mirror. It was perfect. I snapped a photoand sent it to my sisters.

 

I put together another Easter basket. Who knew Jared’s ideaof offering bookish adult Easter baskets would take off so well? We already hadreordered supplies once and it looked like we would need to reorder again tomeet the demand. Even than we would sell out by Easter.

I placed the raffia in the bottom of the basket and thenadded the leather journal and manly looking devotional along with a wooden penand a paperweight with a Bible verse on it. I didn’t know if people really usedpaperweights, but it was a challenge to find manly items to include in thisbasket.

I set the completed basket on the counter and wrapped itwith the plastic cover. I tagged it for Mrs. Hanasy and moved to the nextbasket.

“Wow!”

I turned, and Jared stood there, surveying the countercovered in baskets.

“You’ve been busy.

I smiled. “You did say that these needed to be done today.”

“I did.” Jared sat down at a chair. “But I didn’t think youwould have so many ready by now. I’ll start moving them to the back and callingthe customers and tell them the baskets are ready for pick-up.”

I nodded and returned to making three for Mrs. Blane. Threeteen daughters. Okay, this was perfect for young teens. I still wasn’t sureabout giving adult men Easter baskets.

“Jared was right. You're a miracle worker.”

I smiled at Lacie as I tied the bow onto the last of thebaskets for the three teen girls. “We haven’t had a lot of customers today, soI’ve been able to get a lot of these done. Besides, Jared’s making it easierfor me since he is taking them into the back and can call the costumers.”

Lacie smiled. “I don’t know what we would do without you.”

Shaking my head, I put the plastic wrap around another basket.“Well, as long as you will have me, I’ll be here.”

Lacie smiled. “Until your Prince Charming comes riding in andsweeps you off to his castle.”

I snorted. “Very unlikely.”

“Perhaps, but I can dream.”

“Well, just make sure the castle you dream up has a largelibrary.”

“Like the one in Beauty and the Beast?” Lacie asked.

“Is there another library castle kind?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen many castles. Oh, before Iforget, I sent you an email with the details for an upcoming event. There is alocal pastor who has written a book about using the summer to reach your neighbors.He wants to have a book signing here and have us carry his books. Jared read overthe book and thought it would be a great idea. I was hoping you could come upwith a small display and work out the details for some time in late May. Mypregnancy brain has not been helpful of late.”

I nodded. “I would be happy to.” I did enjoy helping to puttogether events. Lacie was always so careful about the authors she had in ourstore. I always knew they would be a joy to work with when they did.

“Great. I’ll forward you the email with the basicinformation, and I’ll let you take it from there.”

I nodded and returned to making the easter baskets for the teens.After that I had one that was Jane Austen themed. And the idea of giving adultsan easter basket was growing on me. I mean, if someone gave me a lavender/bookishone, I would be totally into it.

I mentally made a list to add to my mercy notebook when Igot home.

My new Easter outfit

Getting to make Easterbaskets

My job

Easter and the hope ofthe resurrection.

Release Day for Kate's Truth (and a giveaway)

 

Well, there were many days I didn't think it would be here. At last,  Kate's Truth is out into the world.This book was a challenge to write and edit. I never wanted readers to have to wait this long for the next book, but at lest here we are.
I had hoped to have all the Kate's Case Files out in paperback in time for the release, but do to some stuff going on in my life, that didn't happen. However. I have high hopes I can get them out by the summer.
To celebrate, I'm sending one winner a copy of the Kate and Patrick stickers and the Kate's Case Files bookmark! To enter, comment telling me why you're excited about this book (or the series if you haven't read any of the Kate's Case Files series yet)

Episode #15: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

Hey friends!I'm so sorry this episode is late. I've been juggling some health challenges and some personal stress that has had me forgetful. I hope you enjoy this episode. 

I stared down at my mug of tea, embarrassed about what I hadjust shared with Joan. “I wanted to forgive him, but honestly, I had a hard timenot being furious with him. I am so bothered by how such a simple thing made meso angry.”

Joan turned her thoughtful brown eyes to me. “Maybe it hadvery little do with the situation right then. I think it has more to dowith what has been happening and the hurt from last year. What do youthink?”

I chewed on my lip as I thought that over. “I don’t know.What Asa did didn’t relate to anything that’s gone on.”

Joan nodded. “When Jessie said you couldn’t be friendsanymore, did she seem bothered?”

I snorted. “She sounded almost happy to be rid of me. Okay,that’s a little harsh, but I think letting go of our friendship was somethingshe wanted. It was a relief to her.”

“Not for you?”

I shook my head. Even now, it hurt to think of all the thingsI would never share with Jessie again. “No, I knew it would take work and behard, but I wanted our friendship to last.”

“What about your parents?”

I cocked my head. “What about them?”

“You told me they’re having trouble, and they explained toall of you that they were in counseling. Did they seem sorry about the strain itput on you?”

I rubbed my forehead. “I don’t think so, but why should theybe? I mean, yes, we are having a rough time, but it’s their marriage that isstruggling.”

Joan leaned forward. “Pam, it’s common when the people causingthe most hurt in our lives aren’t showing genuine sorrow over the pain they cause that we expect others to make up for it. I think that’s what you wanted forAsa, for him to make up for the remorse you didn’t see in others. It’s atleast something to consider.”

 

I stared at my mercies notebook, and then I opened it. Icould hardly believe I had been keeping this notebook for over a quarter of a year. Honestly, I hadn’t expected to keep any of the good intentions I had madeat the first of the year. I had only hoped for a little benefit.

I saw in the pages of the notebook a few instances ofthings Joan had said and done which had helped me. But this latest advice washard. I set aside the journal and the troublesome thoughts and made my way intothe backyard with a bag of stuff I had purchased that afternoon. Time for me towork on the next item on my joy list.

I pulled an old pot from the shed and poured the bag ofpotting mix into it. I grabbed the seed packet and poured all of the seeds intomy palm. I had never done much gardening, but I liked to think that I couldmake something grow. I put the lavender seeds into the soil and put some ontop. I watered it and smiled. Planting seeds was to hope for thefuture. At least, I had heard that somewhere.

As it was, I just wanted to enjoy fresh lavender. Jessie hadhated the smell and taste of lavender. It had been one of their few differences.

I paused and sighed. Perhaps Joan was right. Maybe I neededto think more about forgiving the hurts of the past and make sure they weren’t messingup my current relationships.

I reentered the house and my bedroom. Scanning my shelves, Ifound a book I had been given years ago. Choosing Forgiveness. Perhaps readingabout it would help. But before I dived in, I pulled out my mercies journal.

Lavender seeds

Spring days

Hard but good wordsfrom my mentor

All of these aremercies from God I don’t want to forget.

With a smile, I sat down to read.