Garret Kramer's Blog, page 36

Staying True

Do you want to know a reason why coaches, authors, companies, teachers, and even parents often fail to get their message across? They cheapen it; they sacrifice; they play to their audience. It's extremely common for us to look to the outside world in order to gauge our next move. And when we do, our message always gets muddled.

As an illustration, these days it's standard for writers to create a catchy title for an article or blog post. The title is meant to draw the audience in—no matter if it truly describes the article's content or not. Likewise, many parents and coaches preach clean living to their teenagers or players, only to do the exact opposite behind closed doors.

Now right off, my point is not that you shouldn't act this way; that's up to you. This article is about why disingenuousness occurs, why this type of behavior spells trouble, and what you must know to avoid succumbing to the temptation.

Why do we look for the easy way out? We buy into our insecure, while innocent, thoughts.

Let's be frank, at times, we all look for shortcuts. Why? Because we all get stuck in our own heads and think insecure thoughts. The editor at a magazine company, for example, yearns to sell magazines. But that noble desire, coupled with bound-up thinking, creates the urge to do whatever is possible to generate immediate sales. Thus, the sensational and inaccurate title is born, and permanent success becomes impossible. The same goes for two-faced parents and coaches. They encourage their children or players to "look before they leap," and then don't follow this advice in their personal lives. How long, do you think, before their words get tuned out?

Now, what might surprise you is that, in most cases, the magazine reader, teenager, or athlete won't even notice the inconsistency I just introduced. They'll read the article without grasping that its title doesn't fit, or they'll have no clue about their parents' or coaches' real conduct. So, then, why does staying true even matter?

Staying true matters because we create and then project success from inside of us toward those we address; external perceptions are powerless. The person who preaches an insincere message—a message born from insecurity, ego, or the judgment of others—will fail to draw in listeners on a steady basis. If during one of my speeches, for instance, I make statements that aren't true to me, or don't come from a love for my audience, I will not have a positive and lasting impact. The audience will tune into my hypocrisy, no connection will be formed between us, and even my most educated words will get lost.    

If your message isn't genuine you might find short-term gains, but in the long run you're headed for trouble.

So, here's my sincere and simple message about staying true: If a thought about doing or saying something feels off, then I guarantee you will not feel better if you carry that thought to fruition. Like the editor, parents, or coaches above, every insincere behavior—and resulting mistake—you or I have ever made is the result of only one thing: Acting when our sentiments were telling us: "You know better!"

Remember, just because you have a thought doesn't mean that it's true. In fact, the thought itself means nothing. To avoid hypocritical behavior and allow yourself to find long-term excellence and success, follow your feelings. They, on the other hand, are foolproof.

Self-help, Performance Coaching, and Mental Well-being—The New Paradigm

As a change of pace this week, here is the video presentation of a talk I gave last month at Seton Hall University. The talk is broken into four parts and runs about one hour.

I hope you enjoy the video and find it helpful. For me, my time with the students was fantastic. I want to thank them for the respect they showed me, as well as their interest in my message. After the speech I stayed late into the evening;  talking with the students, answering questions, and sharing insights. A great night!

Here is the link. You can click from the end of one part, right to the start of the next: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUnzYRJgQvE&context=C3dd5354ADOEgsToPDskJbW9Ndq0IOtuuZBKqvYip2 

Thanks for watching,

Garret

The Path to Happiness—Willpower or Stillpower?

Recent studies about happiness reveal something interesting. In one study, a group of people were questioned about their level of happiness a month prior and a year after winning a large sum of money in the lottery; in another study, people were asked about their level of happiness a month prior and a year after being involved in an accident that left them paralyzed. Believe it or not, these studies show that if, on a scale of 1 to 10, you were a 2 and won the lottery—a year later, you'll still be a 2. If you were a 9 and became paralyzed—a year later, you'll still be a 9.

If you are a reader of my book or articles, you'll find that this comes as no surprise. I have long suggested that external circumstances are neutral. Indeed, these studies back my conjecture. More importantly, though, why is this the case? Why would a large sum of cash not make us happy, long-term, and why wouldn't becoming paralyzed have the opposite effect?

Do your circumstances have any power over your long-term mood? Not according to this data.

The explanation rests in the degree to which a person understands how human beings create their perceptions. We form our reality from inside to out. That is a given. If you grasp this fact, you will see that external events have no power over you; if you don't grasp it, you are bound to become a victim. In other words, it is not winning the lottery or becoming permanently disabled (external circumstances) that seals one's fate; it's whether or not an individual sees that his or her current state of mind determines his or her outlook of these circumstances.

For example, I have met with hundreds of athletes whom, at one point in their career, have failed miserably. Each of them will admit that for some reason, at times, failure really bothers them, but at other times (without willing themselves to feel better), it doesn't. "Sometimes, I can see where the failure is pointing me," they might say; meaning that their perception of the failure is totally dependent on their state of mind in the moment. From a high state of mind, the loss makes sense; from a low state of mind, the loss is devastating.

Here's something you can't control, change, or will yourself through: Your thoughts create your feelings; your feelings create your mood; your mood creates your present outlook on life.

Clearly, then, thoughts about failure or success, like sickness or health, do bring us down or rise us up. But it is only our own thoughts that do this. People who see that their thinking (not their circumstances) informs their senses look within for answers—and are thus resilient. People who don't see this look outside—and are thus vulnerable.

The bottom line to happiness is this: Everyone's quality of thinking and state of mind will fluctuate. So when you are low, the path to happiness does not include employing willpower to cure what ails you (just imagine a paraplegic trying to will himself or herself through the circumstance). It is about knowing that, no matter what takes place, your thinking and mood will self-correct, if left alone.

As the above studies show, human beings are blessed with an inborn and automatic power to be resilient (I call it stillpower). Those who know this thrive; those who have forgotten falter—come what may.

Why Positive Thinking Doesn't Work: Part Two

In "Why Positive Thinking Doesn't Work: Part One," I suggested that trying to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts only energizes negativity. I mentioned that while this strategy is pervasive in the self-help world, it shows a lack of understanding about the principle of thought. Errant thoughts are just that—thoughts. In fact, if left unattended, they'll clear up all on their own.

But what about positive thoughts in general? Perhaps, like many motivational gurus recommend, we should do our best to think positively, day in and day out.

What do you think? Is this a sound approach?  Well, not to me.

Many people fear negative thinking, but they fail to see that tending to positive thoughts is just as detrimental.

You see, in an ironic way, noticing thoughts of any kind—negative, positive, even fantastic thoughts—is a sign that you're about to hit a roadblock or steer into trouble. Confused? Consider it this way:  When you are truly conscious, or in "the zone" as we say in sports, do you recognize your thinking? Do positive thoughts keep repeating inside your head? Of course not.

In truth, getting stopped by a thought (negative or positive) is the foundation for a wayward state of mind. It's never what we think, but that we think that that gets us into hot water. The other day, for example, I had a wonderful thought about my daughter. I reasoned that she was beautiful. Seems pleasant and innocent enough. But the minute I became aware of my thinking, I paused and thought again, "Hmm, boys might start coming around the house." Which led to, "I was once a teenage boy." And then, "Who do these boys think they are?" Sound familiar?

To the contrary, when we are truly conscious, our thoughts are so fluent and happen so fast that we aren't capable of grabbing onto them. From a perspective of clarity and freedom (consciousness), I love my daughter to the moon and back; I'm swept away in the feeling—no thought, or effort, required at all.

Positvive thoughts do spawn other thoughts—rarely positive, however.

The bottom line is that positive thinking doesn't work because, other than for solving math problems, thinking doesn't work. Or said another way: if not for thought—you'd never be stuck. So why intentionally fill your head with more of what sticks (thoughts), and thwart your own level of performance and contentment?

Therefore, the next time you are tempted to reach for an affirmation, remember: you're reaching for an illusion, for fool's gold. You can't think yourself into peace of mind, competitiveness, resilience, or love. For true positivity—you'll  never, ever, have to work that hard.

Why Self-labeling is Self-defeating

Have you ever labeled yourself? You know, "I'm the kind of person who does what I say I'm going to do." Or, "When I was young, a specialist told me I had attention deficit disorder, and to this day I still have trouble concentrating." I do the same thing. Every now and then, I get tricked into believing that my current view of life is based on a previous finding. When I was thirteen, for instance, my parents got divorced. So because I do my best to be a committed family man today, sometimes I attribute this determination to my past adversity.

However, being a committed family man (a label) has nothing to do with my former perceptions. Any personal attribute is the by-product of a person's current level of consciousness. When one's level of consciousness is high, it's extremely easy to remain loyal to his or her family. When this level is low, it's much more difficult.

Labeling your own character does one thing: it reinforces your own insecure thinking.

My point is that, at times, we all get confused and believe that the quality of our thinking is caused by an outside circumstance. When we compound the issue by labeling ourselves (according to our impermanent thoughts), we box ourselves in to artificial expectations and our confusion only escalates.

To illustrate, I recently met with a depressed gentleman who lost his wife a couple of years ago. When we first sat down, he was convinced that before his wife's passing he was always a very optimistic person. So, in his mind the only explanation for his current despair was his loss. Yet, when I made it clear that human beings create all perceptions—including perceptions of ourselves—from the inside out, his viewpoint shifted. He said, "Golly, your right, sometimes I think about my wife and feel good inside and sometimes I feel miserable." He went on to realize, "Come to think about it, I've always seen the world that way. I guess my viewpoint on life, including my wife's passing, is kind of random."

Exactly. And since labeling oneself shrinks awareness, limits possibilities, and leads to self-doubt, this gentleman's personal portrayal (of always being optimistic before his wife's death) was restricting his ability to find clarity and meaning, and thus move forward.

From a high state of mind, we see infinite personality traits within ourselves.

The truth is that self-imposed labels, like all thoughts and ensuing emotions, are temporary. For each of us, the options for personality traits run the gamut. And the degree to which you understand this element of the human experience, the more free, open, and prosperous you'll be.

In other words, if you once labeled yourself as an avid golfer (due to the fact that you used to think that playing golf made you happy) and you are no longer enthusiastic about playing golf, there is nothing wrong with you. Quite the contrary, you now see that happiness occurs from in to out—labeling yourself was merely the by-product of a former level of understanding and consciousness. Onward and upward!

 

Effective Communication: The Truth

Every day, we hear experts preach that communication is essential. They say, "For a team, relationship, or organization to achieve long-term success—communication is key." Or they warn, "A lack of communication is the reason why marriages, teams, or companies fall apart." I disagree. Often, the reason that unions dissolve, or teams fail, is because people overcommunicate. They speak when they are not capable, and listen when they should not.

To demonstrate, say a baseball coach finds himself in a low mood as he comes home after a long day on the field. He is tired, hungry, and all he wants to do is have dinner and relax. His wife, however, had a long day herself and didn't have time to prepare a meal. Nevertheless, rather than recognize that his perception of the situation is actually the by-product of his low mood, and, thus, staying silent, the coach unloads, "You know, I'm killing myself trying to make a living for this family; the least you could do is have some food on the table when I get home!" And things spiral downward from there.

There is no correlation between communication and success.

On the other side of this "communication confusion" is the subject of listening. The other day I heard a religious leader say, "The essence of communication does not revolve around talking; it revolves around listening." Not so. If a person finds himself or herself in a low or insecure state of mind, the last thing he or she should do is listen to any external source. Why? Because insecurity breeds the desire to latch onto another person's methodology or line of thinking; to become an automaton. Do you remember the sordid story of Jim Jones and Jonestown? Regrettably, Jones's devotees listened perfectly.

To put it simply, communication is over recommended and its tenets are almost always misunderstood. We mustn't worry about speaking our mind or keeping an open mind (listening), we must look to the level of well-being from which we do this. In fact, most of history's most effective leaders were actually quite reticent. They understood that if you speak from a low level of psychological functioning, given that you're not seeing life clearly, you are bound to do so in error. Plus, if you listen from this perspective, you're sure to sacrifice your free will and become a groupie or a follower.

There is a direct correlation between communicating from clear states of mind and success.

Here's a funny personal story about effective communication. The other night, like the coach above, I arrived home out of sorts after a long day. My wife did have dinner on the table, but it was meatballs, a meal that didn't agree with my tastes or diet (or so I thought). As a result of my depressed level of consciousness I started in, "Why in the world would you make meatballs when I'm trying to reduce my red-meat intake?"

To which my wife insightfully replied, "Not. Listening."

Translation: My wife detected my lack of clarity and instead of taking the bait—refused to communicate. My response: I immediately noticed my low mood, stopped talking, and quietly sat down to dinner. A dinner of turkey meatballs and gravy—how scrumptious!

Understanding vs. Action

     A long time ago, believing the world was flat, people felt boxed-in and unhappy. No matter how hard they tried to overcome it, they were still afraid to venture too far from home. But when they found out that the earth was round and, thus, understood that they couldn't fall off—people felt free and inspired. Hence, their sedentary behavior changed automatically.

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When you feel insecure and your performance is restricted, it's normal to want to take action. You don't like to feel or act this way, so you want to fix the problem immediately.

Indeed, this was the case with a basketball team I recently visited. Its star player was not only in a low place, he was also having trouble making shots from the free throw line. One of his coaches attempted to fix the problem by having the player shoot 100 free throws a day—thinking that he would regain his confidence and outlook. All that happened, though, was the player kept missing shots. I said to the coach, "To behave productively (make free throws), you first must understand how the system that generates behavior works. Understanding is what changes behavior, not taking action."

Can you fix a car without understanding how things work under the hood? Of course not.

Unfortunately, in the worlds of coaching and psychology, this paradigm is almost always overlooked. That is, taking action to fix behavior will do little good. To improve behavior, you must understand that your thoughts and ensuing state of mind are the root cause of all of your actions. From a high state of mind, your behavior is always productive; from a low state of mind (if you do not understand this principle), just the opposite.

As an illustration, if a teenager is disrespectful to his parents, the parents will only exacerbate the tension if they take action and discipline the teenager accordingly. But if the parents understand why disrespect (and all errant behavior) occurs, they will be much more inclined to address the teenager's insecure state of mind, the cause of the disrespect, instead. Thus, judgment will cease, mutual respect will emerge, and, as levels of well-being ascend, so will the behavior of the teenager.

Once you see that trying to fix your behavior from a low mood makes matters worse, you won't try any longer.

The truth is that once you understand exactly how human beings create their perceptions, you will know better than to "take action" when you or another person is in a low state of mind. In fact, this is the very reason that mental performance techniques often cause slumps. If a person isn't conscious, he is not capable of fixing things at that moment.  And if he tries, thought will rev up and his mood, and performance, will only get worse. In other words, once you realize that your level of consciousness moves from dark to light by design, you'll see that it makes little sense to get in the sun's way by doing something to help it rise.  

Remember, there's always an appropriate time to take action (i.e. work on your free throws), but only when you are feeling free and inspired. To the contrary, when you are struggling, understand what's happening—it's your thinking and mood that's off; not your free throw method or any other external situation. And just as it's a certainty that you can't fall off the earth and the sun will come up, it's also a certainty that, left alone, your level of clarity will return automatically.

 

As a reminder, please join me tomorrow for another edition of Stillpower LIVE. My guest and I will be making a special announcement; I hope you can tune in. Here's how: http://garretkramer.com/stillpower-live/.

The Oneness of Success

Have you ever watched a person or a team rejoice in victory and felt really good inside? Have you ever witnessed someone overcome great obstacles and become emotional and inspired? Have you ever felt sorry for another person's loss? What you are experiencing is the "oneness of life." But why do you suppose this experience occurs? And what can we learn from it?

The reason that you sometimes feel the experience of another is because, in truth, the other person and you are fragments of the same spiritual puzzle. I know that might sound farfetched, but, to me, our lives, performances, and the world would improve by leaps and bounds if people started stressing their similarities and stopped talking about their perceived differences.

Indeed, the oneness of life has been talked about forever. Insightful sages such as Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., John Lennon, and one of my mentors, Sydney Banks, did their best to point us in this freeing direction. Yet, since we each live in a separate reality governed by our own personal thoughts (and we mistakenly accept that reality as true), the big picture has become distorted and we—and the planet—have lost our sense of harmony.

Feel a common bond with your opponent and your performance will soar.

So, how can we reverse this imperceptive trend? We can start by recognizing that the oneness of life is essential in our quest for success—both on and off the playing field. Why? Because success thrives when you find clarity, take judgment off the table, and feel a connection with everything around you (including your opponent). Success withers in an environment of isolation, ego, and contempt.

The truth is that every time you set out to win, you are actually competing with and against yourself. And while there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to finish first, in the end, the outcome is irrelevant. For example, Super Bowl winner Tyrone Keyes once told me that during the height of his football career he started to feel compassion for the other team's players when his team won a game. Unlike the advice of many coaches and parents today, Tyrone is certain that this respect fueled his success as it heightened his level of consciousness and freed him to be his best. Likewise, on the PGA tour, the most accomplished players are often found sharing their thoughts about the golf swing or a strategy for a particular course with their opponents. Now why do you suppose that a golfer would help someone who he also trying to beat?

Competition is the ultimate form of cooperation—the oneness of life in action.

Yes, I am well aware that this perspective on achievement (and enlightenment) might be hard, at first, to grasp. But consider this: Through competition we grow: I push you to get better; you push me. We are cooperating with each other in a quest to expand our capabilities and knowledge. In fact, the next time you compete, look closely at your opponent. I am sure you will feel a common bond with the player on the other side of the court as the perceptual field—your awareness—expands.

As the above wise men often said, appreciating the oneness of life can absolutely change the world. It can end prejudice, stop wars, and wipe out famine. My simple hope is for the sports world to set an empowering example of this principle. Let's start by recognizing ourselves in our opponents and, thus, alter the way we look at competition. The last line in my book, Stillpower, reads: "Success is so much closer than you think." The reason: The best competitors care about winning and don't care about winning, simultaneously. They realize that unbounded effort comes from knowing that win, lose, or draw—our lives remain the same.

Staying in the Game

I'm not sure who was the first to say it, but there is great wisdom in the theory that 90 percent of success is the by-product of just showing up. Indeed, if we sit on our hands, there is a chance that opportunity might pass us by. "But what about stillpower?" an athlete recently asked me. "When we're in a low state of mind, isn't it better to remain on the sidelines and wait for things to clear?" Well, not always.

Let's say you're a boxer, and you're in the midst of training for a championship fight. Your daily schedule includes some serious training because if you don't train seriously, chances are you will suffer some physical harm—let alone lose the fight. Yet, one morning you wake up with negative thoughts about working out that day. You can't make up your mind: "Should I go to the gym this morning or not?" As confusion reigns, you assume (because of the confusion) that you are better off staying home, even though you still feel uncertain and perhaps guilty about it, too.

If you are perplexed, the only productive answer is to stay the course.

But what if you misread what was going on in your own head? What if you tried to convince yourself that your feelings were pointing you in a defined direction and they weren't? In fact, I would argue that when you really need a day off, that notion will not present itself in such a bewildering fashion. You'll probably sleep straight through your blaring alarm clock that morning.

My message is that feelings of uncertainty are signs that our boxer should simply "stay in the game." He should get his butt out of bed and back into the gym. His thinking—not his training—is getting in his way at that moment. Stillpower means that we remain on task in the midst of our wayward thoughts, since we are temporarily unequipped to deviate from the standard or think outside the box. Said another way, it's always more productive to allow your feelings—not the content of your thoughts—to guide you.

When it's time to take a break, the feeling will be direct, immediate, and resolute.

As another illustration, many athletes with whom I work play fast-paced sports. They sometimes say, "I see what you mean about my feelings being a barometer of my thoughts and mood, but I play a quick game. If I feel vague, I can't just stop and wait for a clear state of mind to show up."

Exactly. But there's a big difference between the act of meditation (sitting motionless) and possessing stillpower (a meditative state). Athletes with stillpower do not get caught up in the wayward perceptions that occur when their state of mind is unclear. They just keep on playing—deflecting any external distraction.

The bottom line is that you will lack clarity at times; we all do. But since it has nothing to do with your circumstances, don't take it as a sign to sit on the sidelines or skip a day of training, school, or work. Instead, when you feel unsure, just stay in the game. If you do, I guarantee that your indifferent perceptions will clear up—all on their own—before you know it.

 

The Acuity Gap

Although few people realize it, everyone has an "acuity gap." A gap between our perceptions of the world—what we see—and the moment we realize that these perceptions are created via our own thoughts. The narrower your gap is, the smoother your journey through life will be; the wider your gap, the more rocky.

An insane person, for example, possesses an infinitely wide acuity gap. He or she believes that every thought that pops into his or her head is acutely real. Thus, this person's behavior is always unproductive and often quite peculiar since, to this person, there is no reason not to act on each and every thought that occurs.

Similarly, the average person will sometimes struggle because it is normal to, at first, be fooled into believing that our errant feelings are derived from the world around us. As soon as we reach the edge of our acuity gap, however, we wake up—become conscious—as we realize that it is merely our own thoughts that are doing this. As a result, our struggle begins to lessen.

In which direction is your acuity gap moving? If narrower, you're on your way.

The truth is that all of us, at times, think dysfunctional thoughts. I, on occasion, think about what would happen if I Iost my audience for these articles, my books, or talks. I then become insecure and think, "If I'm feeling this way, it's probably going to happen. If it happens, I could lose my house, and my kids and wife would be so sad."

Now, it is the width of my acuity gap that determines how long I remain embroiled in this type of thought attack. And the cool thing is, the more I appreciate that a gap does exist, the smaller the gap actually becomes.

In other words, simply recognizing that our thoughts (and not our circumstances) are creating our perceptions is what allows us to see infinite possibilities in any situation—including those that initially appear disastrous. To illustrate, I just started working with a young pro hockey player who recently got sent down to the minors. When I asked how he was holding up, he replied, "Well, when I first heard the news, I was real down, but, even though I'm still not happy about the decision, for some reason I just know things will work out for me." Translation: This player woke up to the fact that only his thoughts were creating his feelings and mood (the edge of his gap). If he believed that moving down to the minors was the cause of his low state of mind, he would never notice an opportunity in this seemingly negative event.

Appreciating that there are many ways to think about the same situation is a sign that a "difficult" situation will correct itself soon.

Remember, recognizing that your thoughts are the foundation for your feelings will not necessarily make you feel better in an instant. But this understanding will prevent you from exacerbating the turmoil by trying to fix or force things when you are not capable. Knowing that an acuity gap does exist is what allows stillpower (and not willpower) to take hold. And once it does, it's only a matter of time until you are feeling light, unencumbered, and full of faith once more.