Garret Kramer's Blog, page 29

Are You a Follower? Look Here Instead

As some of you may know, many of the topics that I talk about each week touch on the innate principles of mind, consciousness, and thought. As you also may know (and I’ve mentioned this before), a man named Sydney Banks is largely credited with uncovering these three principles and revealing how an understanding of them can lead to a more loving and dynamic life.

What many of you don’t know is that Syd didn’t care about taking credit for this finding. He didn’t care if people quoted him or if they used a specific blueprint to explain his firm belief that mental health rests within every human being—if only they could grasp that their thinking alone was responsible for their perceptions and how they felt.

In brief, Syd did not want people to follow him. He wanted to point us in an inside-out direction and let each of us take it from there—in our own way.

This comparison might seem like a reach to some, but, to me, Jesus Christ lived and guided others in a similar fashion. For thousands of years, throngs of people all over the world have worshiped Jesus Christ and hung on the words he spoke and the things he did. In my opinion, however, that’s not what Jesus intended. His aim was to spark the spirit that everyone already owned deep inside. In truth, Jesus was revealing how natural it was to lead each other toward understanding, resilience, and love—and how foreign (and dangerous) it was to follow.

My simple message is that if you’re inspired by the teachings of another person, that’s perfectly okay. But please stop paying homage, or stop asking others to pay homage, to him or her. Plus, if you’re a teacher, coach, cleric, or self-help professional and, like many today, you believe that the road to success is paved by creating a horde of disciples—a “tribe” who adopt your personal theories and techniques, you need to look in a different direction, too. This exact misunderstanding has contributed to the formation of cults, brainwashing, and sordid and sundry human atrocities.

Sure, go ahead and learn about (or read books by) Syd Banks or outstanding humanitarians such as Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and Nelson Mandela—but never follow. Look closely and you’ll see that this is exactly what these true leaders warned against. The last thing they ever intended was to thwart anyone’s free will or instincts. Rather, they asked you to look inside for answers. They knew that wisdom could only be found there.

An Optical Illusion

My good friend Joe Bier called me the other day with a question about the inside-out paradigm that I teach: “Every time I see my grandchildren, I feel good inside. Are you telling me that my grandchildren are not the cause of my good mood?”

I said, “Yes, that’s what I’m telling you.”

“It sure looks (and feels) like you’re wrong,” he countered.

Well, I do agree with Joe about that. According to one of my favorite colleagues, Gina Woolf, “Life works from the inside-out 100% of the time—not 99%. So we know with certainty that when it looks like something outside is causing us to feel (fill in the blank), that’s just the optical illusion of our thinking making a case for something that is never true no matter how much it feels and looks like it is.”

In other words, while there is a correlation between Joe’s grandchildren and his feeling state, there is not a causal relationship. And, to me, understanding this distinction is an essential ingredient to activating your innate ability to find clarity and live a productive life.

So, let’s dig deeper.

Here, to me, is how visiting his grandchildren really plays out for Joe (and you can compare Joe’s experience to any experience of your own): On days that Joe’s head is clear and he’s feeling good, he goes to see his grandchildren and his good mood continues. Simple.

But the cool thing about Joe is that on days when he has a lot on his mind and doesn’t feel so good, he still sees his grandchildren anyway. And because he does this, his head clears.

However—and this is super-important—it’s not seeing his grandchildren that clears Joe’s head. What clears his head is the fact that he doesn’t delve into all the outside factors that appear to be bothering him. Joe looks away from his supposed business issues, the traffic, the weather, whatever—and finds himself in a better mood. Yes, his grandchildren are adorable. But Joe can go anywhere or do anything at that stage of the game and regulate to peace of mind.

It works the same for you.

It may seem as if an external action or environment—going to see your grandchildren, performing a mental strategy, watching a movie, taking a walk on the beach, or practicing yoga—has the power to alter your mindset. But it’s never the case.

Everyone lives in the feeling of their thinking; not the feeling of their circumstances. If you feel down in the dumps and look outside to explain or excuse why—since your feelings don’t come from your circumstances—you’ll become a paralyzed victim. If, like Joe, you look inside to your thinking and get on with your day—you’ll feel better in a jiff.

My good buddy Joe may credit his grandchildren for his elevated disposition. Me, I give the credit to him.

The Source of Faith

Here’s one of the Merriam-Webster definitions of the word faith: “Firm belief in something for which there is no proof.”

Here’s what the definition of the word faith looks like to me: “A firm understanding that one’s perspective (about anything) will change for which there is much proof.”

Let me explain. Often, we are told that having faith in someone or something is an essential ingredient to excellence. When athletes struggle, for example, a common mantra is, “Have faith in your ability. You have to believe in yourself to succeed.”

The problem with this line of thinking, however, is that all personal struggles are the result of only one thing: An overload of thought in one’s head. Too much thinking lowers one’s consciousness. And no one is capable of drumming up confidence—or having faith—from a low level of consciousness.

So, contrary to the mantra above, the key when you lack faith is not trying to believe or convince yourself to think a different way (i.e., bs yourself). The key is knowing that clarity, and then faith, will arrive automatically. In other words, the human mind is wonderfully designed to rise above any and all circumstances. Everyone is naturally resilient. Faith is innate to us all—it’s not something you can lose.

What you can lose, or forget, is your understanding of how faith works. Have you ever been troubled, looked at a specific life situation, and wondered what in the world you were going to do? Have you ever felt hopeless or stuck? But then—and this is where my definition of faith might prove helpful—with nothing changing on the outside, you look at the same situation again and it looks totally different. You’re no longer troubled. This is proof of your innate faith taking hold.

Remember, we all establish our level of confidence based on the amount of thinking we have in our head at any specific moment. Therefore:

Head full of thought = no faith (with nothing changing on the outside).
Head free of thought = all the faith you need (with nothing changing on the outside).

Oh, and one more thing, the amount of thinking you have is totally up for grabs. The epitome of faith is knowing that when you feel low your head is destined to empty, and freedom is destined to unfold, at a moment’s notice with no effort at all.

If you need proof of that, try spending the day with a two-year-old!

Another Excerpt from The Path of No Resistance

Here’s another excerpt from Chapter 4 of my upcoming book, The Path of No Resistance. Some of you may notice that a part of this section was extracted from a previous article. I hope you enjoy it.

Any questions or comments, reach out anytime.

Garret

–

…An interesting thing about the hours-applied rule, if you look closely, is that from freedom and ease everyone knows how hard to push and for just how long. Again, this type of answer isn’t imparted from the outside. Not even through the use of data (10,000 hours of it). One of my mentors and now colleagues, George Pransky, once said, “Spun correctly, statistics prove that storm-sewer overflow causes umbrella usage.” See what I mean about correlations as opposed to causal relationships? So much for data.

Even so, we’re besieged by the information and opinions of people who are doing the best they can from their current level of consciousness—which is always subject to change. I suppose the same could be said of me, though my purpose is to teach you how the system works; not to tell you what to do with the system. If you take from this book that behavioral strategies aren’t the answer, and nothing else, I’ve done a decent job. Behavior is after-the-fact—the damage has already been done.

Think of it this way: Follow someone else’s advice and, with your free will and instincts neutered, you’re not capable of doing anything right. Look inward to the fact that you feel your thinking, and nothing else, and you’re not capable of doing anything wrong. Looking inward is staying in the game. It’s what allows your mind to default to clarity, wonder—and rewarding behavior.

But how about you? When you picked up this book were you looking for a blueprint for excellence? A trail to the zone? Up until now, have you been frustrated with your inability to find this nirvana-like state? Well, I’m here to tell you: A blueprint for excellence won’t be found in a book, and it doesn’t matter anyway because you don’t have to pursue the zone in order to perform at the top of your game. Relieved? I hope so, because only when your mind is free from the burden of trying to find mental clarity, does it leaves space for insights and excellence to come pouring through. To be honest, I’m really not a big fan of the term, the zone, anyway.

Here’s an illustration of what can happen if you decide to follow another person’s advice or technique in order to find psychological perfection: Let’s say you’re a pro golfer playing in the last group of the last round of a major championship. The night before, you’ve worryingly tossed and turned, and now, on your way to the golf course, your anxious thoughts and feelings won’t let up. You’re also convinced (like most people) that anxious thoughts and feelings represent a problem; you must be in the zone in order to win a major championship.

So, you recall a deep-breathing/visualization technique that your sports psychologist recommended for these exact moments. You think about how you’re supposed to implement the technique: “Okay, breathe in the through the nose, out through the mouth, and picture the ball going toward the target.” But then you think, “Oh, wait, maybe it’s breathe in through the mouth, out through the nose, and picture myself holding the championship trophy. Darn, I can’t remember what to do. I better figure something out, and quick!”

What’s happened in this illustration is your revved-up thinking and anxiety has generated more revved-up thinking and anxiety. You’ve crammed your head with deliberate personal thought, leaving no room for fresh ideas to naturally work their way in. Said differently, you didn’t like your anxious feeling as the final round approached, and since you didn’t know that clarity of mind is guaranteed to appear on its own, you’ve jammed the inherent functioning of the system.

What’s the alternative, then? What should you do when, prior to “big” performances, you’re feeling unsure or anxious—i.e., you’re not in the zone?  

You know the answer. The same thing our baseball player did when he felt insecure about his swing and the same thing that I did during the writing of this book when I felt weighed down—stay in the game. Syd Banks use to call feelings our “virus detectors.” They’re pointing us inside to a temporary virus of thought—not outside to doing something to overcome a swing or book.

And just so we’re crystal clear, looking within, or staying on the game, is the opposite of a technique. It’s what everyone does naturally, before our inner wisdom falls prey to the does and don’ts of others…

The Art of Reconsidering

Here’s something you may want to consider: People who know that their thinking creates their feelings are prone to reconsider their viewpoints or opinions about things. People who believe that their circumstances create their feelings tend to be narrow-minded and set in their ways.

Where in the spectrum do you fall?

In my experience, all of us would be better off, achieve more, and the world would be a better place, if we lived closer to the open-minded side. To do so, however, we must understand the illogic in looking to outside circumstances in order to explain, excuse, or justify how we feel or act.

Here’s a personal example: While online the other night, I wandered onto one of my sixteen-year-old daughter’s social media accounts—and I did not like what I saw. I became angry, I mean, really angry. I yelled upstairs to my daughter, “Come down here immediately!” My intention, at first, was to give her a piece of my mind and demand that she remove some of her posts. Yet, somewhere between my outburst and her arrival at my study’s door, it occurred to me: “Now hold on, knucklehead—you see the posts as wrong, but this is clearly not how your daughter sees them.”

In other words, I reconsidered my point of view. I took a second look at my own perceptions. Why? Because I have a fairly good idea that my thinking forms the basis for my feelings—not my daughter’s social media posts. I also know that my volatile feelings were a vivid reminder that my thinking in the moment was not to be trusted and holding my daughter responsible for my own anger was clearly a step in the wrong direction.

So what happened when my daughter arrived downstairs? First, I apologized for screaming, and then we had an enjoyable conversation about our different perspectives regarding social media. We both learned something from the experience. And while I still don’t agree with her completely, and vice versa for sure, I do know that my daughter was buoyed by my respect and trust in her. In fact, the next morning I noticed she had made some adjustments to her accounts, including this tweet on Father’s Day:

Happy Father’s Day to my main man @GarretKramer I love you, Daddy!

What more can I say?

The next time you feel angry, uptight, or anxious—please, don’t blame it on your circumstances. Your feelings come from the inside (from your thinking) only. Simply grab hold of this principle and see how easy it becomes to override your judgmental dispositions, find loving and inspiring feelings, and uncover a fresh outlook about anything.

Now that’s something for all of us to consider.

Feeling Guilty

My good friend, Charlie, lost his stepson last month. His stepson was nine and suffered from cerebral palsy and other severe physical ailments. His body simply gave out. Very sad.

I met up with Charlie last weekend in Baltimore. We spoke about many things, including his stepson. Our time together, like it’s always been with us, was special—melancholy, yes, but meaningful and productive as well.

Yet, it was one thing that Charlie mentioned that kept playing over and over in my head during my ride home to New Jersey. He said, “It’s weird, man; I feel so guilty for actually being okay on some days since my boy died.”

Doesn’t that just explain the arbitrary nature of thought, and the feelings that follow?

As I’ve said many times, our feelings are not initiated by what happens in our lives. Our feelings spring from the variable nature of our thinking. So, in spite of this tragic life event, when Charlie’s head is free of thought, he feels okay. When his head is muddled with thought, he doesn’t. Plus, Charlie’s guilt (a feeling) is the byproduct of trying to figure out why in the midst of this misfortune he sometimes feels all right, since this analysis only places more thought into his head.

It might be hard to grasp, but this sensitive illustration shows that nothing on the outside is ever responsible for our feeling state on the inside. And the degree to which a person sees this will determine his or her level of resilience. For Charlie, then, the more he understands that his thinking—and not his stepson’s death—is responsible for how he feels, the less he’ll analyze this situation and the less guilty he’ll feel.

Remember: No matter what happens to you, or your current emotions, always look inside—to the variable nature of your thinking—to explain your feelings. Like my friend, Charlie, you might not like the hand you’re dealt in life, but you’ll still be okay, find meaning, and carry on productively in spite of it.

Your Thoughts: Spiritual or Circumstantial?

I’ve received several questions about this sentence from last week’s article (http://garretkramer.com/excuses-excuses/): “I know it might sound strange, but remember: Thought is a spiritual principle; not a circumstantial one.”

So, let’s dig a little deeper into what I was driving at by considering this personal example: Last weekend I played golf. My second shot on the first hole missed the green wide right. I stepped up to my chip shot, pulled a club from my bag, and knocked the ball within a foot of the cup. Simple as pie.

On the second hole, my second shot missed the green wide left. I stepped up to the chip shot (which was actually an easier chip than I had on the first hole)—and, suddenly, I felt nervous. I had trouble selecting a club, and when I did, I was uncertain about how high or hard to hit the shot.

What happened next? I’ll tell you, but, first, a question:

In this example, do you see the insignificant nature of my circumstances? I had two chip shots (my circumstances), and my feeling state varied completely during each.

Why? The answer is my thinking.

On the first hole, my thinking was clear—for no particular reason. On the second hole, my thinking was cluttered—for no particular reason. When the mind is clear, human beings instinctually look, react, and excel. When it’s cluttered, well, let’s go back to what happened on the second green last weekend.

You see, because I have a fairly good grasp that the thoughts that pop into my head are spiritual—i.e., they come from a higher power, the unknown—I know they’re out of my control. I also know that my nerves, like all feelings, come from my thinking. So as I anxiously stood over my chip shot on the second hole, I did the exact same thing as I did on the first hole (with no effort to fix my jammed-up head): I simply pulled a club, addressed the ball, and hit the shot. The result: my chip finished six inches from the cup. Simple as pie.

Never forget: Your feelings do not come from your circumstances. It may not look that way, but understanding that you live in the feeling of your thinking is the key to accessing your built-in ability to get over your indifferent perceptions, move on, and overcome. In fact, as I hit my chip shot on the second hole, an amazing calm came over me. I looked away from my circumstances and toward the ebbs and flows of my thinking—in order to explain my nervousness—and, thus, I couldn’t fail.

And neither will you. I hope that clears things up—no matter what type of “chip shot” you face!

Excuses, Excuses

Here’s a snapshot of the world around me in recent weeks:

I met with a couple who sought some advice for their daughter, a college softball player. One of their concerns was that the daughter’s coach had a habit of making their daughter feel bad and cry.
I asked a golf buddy how he fared in the state amateur golf championship. He told me that the greens were slow that week because of heavy rains. He said he doesn’t like, and never scores well on, slow greens.
Sitting in a coffee shop early on a Sunday morning, I watched a disheveled woman walk in and beg a man at the counter for a cup of coffee and something to eat. The man ignored her, stormed out, and under his breath asserted that beggars make him “so ___ angry.”

My gosh. It’s time we all wake up.

Our feelings come from inside of us, folks. Nothing on the outside can affect what happens on the inside; including our aptitude to perform to the best of our ability, or do good for others for that matter.

Now this is a drastic departure from the outside-in paradigm that has swept our culture. Just watch commercials on TV, peruse the websites of the world’s most famous self-help experts, or simply listen to your friends hold others responsible for their own emotions or level of performance—and it’s impossible to miss what I’m talking about. One well-known self-help author has even fashioned a career by telling people what to do when external circumstances knocks them down. Why in the world do we need strategies to overcome something that has no capacity to knock us down in the first place?

Indeed, just about everyone seems to be searching for an excuse for why they feel or act the way they do. I do it, too. Every now and then I fault others, or my circumstances, for how I feel and lose my way. But, thankfully, most of the time I remember that it won’t help to blame my past, my environment, or someone else. Why? Because the only creator of my feelings is me. I just need to look inside when I struggle—to the ever-changing nature of my thinking—all my answers are there.

President Obama gave the commencement speech at Morehouse College last week. His words were indicative of his level of understanding for the fact that we shape our perceptions from the inside out and not the outside in. He said to the graduating students:

“Growing up, I made quite a few (mistakes) myself. Sometimes I wrote off my own failings as just another example of the world trying to keep a black man down. I had a tendency to make excuses for me not doing the right thing.”

But, the president implored, “We’ve got no more time for excuses.”

Right on, Mr. President. Wise men rarely offer excuses. Sure, sometimes they think wayward thoughts (like faulting others). But they understand that—no matter how much it looks otherwise—their thinking and the feelings that follow have nothing to do with other people, events, or their surroundings.

I know it might sound strange, but remember: Thought is a spiritual principal; not a circumstantial one. And this, surprisingly enough, is the simple secret to avoiding excuses, finding solutions, and contributing positively to the world instead.

A One-way System: Inside-Out

The following excerpt is from the beginning of Chapter 2 (A One-way system: Inside-out) of my upcoming book, The Path of No Resistance: Why Overcoming is Simpler than You Think. I very much appreciate the questions and comments regarding the previous posted excerpts from the book. They’ve been quite helpful, so keep them coming!

Garret

 

A psychologist was interviewed on an early-morning news program about the problems facing children from acrimonious marriages. She vowed: “These kids tend to have sex at an earlier age, they tend to suffer depression, they tend to bully others, etc.”

Her point? Tough to tell.

But how about this instead? We need to stop encouraging each other to become passive victims of circumstance. If acrimonious marriages had the power to affect children negatively, all children of these circumstances would suffer, and children of these circumstances who do suffer, would suffer 24/7.

 

Experiencing life from the inside-out. What does that mean, exactly? Well, in Chapter 1 we talked about the fallacy of using outside circumstances, an outside-in paradigm, to explain why you feel a certain way. But we also examined the no-resistance path of gazing inward toward thought, an inside-out paradigm, as the explanation for your feelings and perceptions.

Which one I know to be true probably comes as no revelation. I often say that I’m more certain that inside-out is how we experience life than I am of my own name. If you don’t see it just yet, that’s okay. Perhaps this interpretation from Stillpower might work better for you:

Your experience does not create your state of mind; your state of mind creates your experience.

Now most people, once the above is indicated, do see it. Our states of mind, or moods, vary and our perceptions of life tag along for the ride. When your mood is high, for example, your old house is a time-honored classic. When your mood is low, it’s a godforsaken money pit. But most people also wonder: “So what? What am I supposed to do with the realization that my perceptions of the world are created from inside of me?”

The answer to that dilemma is the premise of this chapter.

Let’s start with the fact that you and I live in what many spiritual teachers call a world of form. The book you’re reading right now is part of that world of form. So are your spouse, partner, parents, children, friends, pet, house, car, and even your own physical body.

Let’s also start with the fact that I have a decent command of the “inside-outness” of the human experience (I suppose I better). Due to this “command,” I know that my perception of all things in my life is purely dependent on my own thinking and mindset, even though—since I live in a world of form—it seems that my wife, car, etc. have something to do with it.

Case in point: If I disagree with the behavior of one of my kids and get upset, I’m aware that my thinking is the cause of the upset, so I won’t look to fix my kids’ behavior in order to try to fix my own upset feelings. If I did, I’d be looking in the wrong place and, if I acted from that place, I’d surely make everyone, including myself, feel even worse. Not to say that I won’t have a chat with my kids about their behavior. I might. But not when my mind is racing and I’m taking things personally.

This is why understanding that we create our perceptions from in to out permits us to navigate smoothly, productively, and lovingly though the world of form in which we live. Seeing that it’s a one-way system will safeguard your relationships, career, and your ability to inspire, and not bully, others.

Do you know that many employers unconsciously force their belief systems on their employees thereby stifling their employees’ free will, instincts, and performance level? Reason being, many employers overlook the fact that their perception of their employees has nothing to do with their employees, and all to do with themselves.

It’s also common to misread the source of our attainments as coming from external circumstance and not from within, thus they’re often short-lived. Take the subject of weight loss. I’m sure you know someone who’s struggled with it, or you’ve experienced for yourself just how difficult it is to keep weight off for good. But how come? Millions of people go to weight-loss centers or follow weight-loss plans and start by losing a bunch of weight, so is it that difficult? The real question is why do only a handful of these people keep the pounds off long term?

The surprising truth is that weight loss is not initiated by external weight-loss strategies. It’s initiated by a realization from within the person losing the weight. Those who don’t know this (the majority of people) won’t have long-term success because they’ll keep relying on, or searching for, external techniques that had no bearing on their early success. Those who do know this—weight loss initiates, and sustains ,from within—will keep looking in the direction of their own inner wisdom and insights: the path of no resistance that endures forever.

As I said, because we live in a world of form, “inside-out/outside-in” sometimes gets a little murky. So let’s dig deeper into this revolutionarily simple paradigm that has the clout to blow apart every circumstantial excuse you ever came up with. And put you, and not life around you, in the driver’s seat.

Applying the Inside-out Understanding, or Not

Beyond a doubt, here’s the most common question that I’m asked about my work: “How does one apply (to life) the fact that everyone’s thinking and mindset in the moment is the source of his or her experience?”

My answer is always the same: “You don’t.” The inside-out understanding is innate; there’s no way to deliberately apply it to a particular situation.

Instead, my role as I see it is to teach individuals, groups, teams, or organizations about the understanding—how the mind functions and how we shape our experience based only on the ebbs and flows of our thinking—and then together (or sometimes without me) we’ll find the answer to a specific issue that appears challenging.

Here’s an example: Last month I met with a client that was confronted with the challenge of slanderous publicity initiated by a competitor. The company called me in specifically to help it overcome this apparent problem. Once I arrived, it was clear that the company’s leadership team was extremely angry. Simply put, they wanted revenge. But to their initial surprise, during the first two days of our three-day retreat, I didn’t even bring up the slander, the competitor, or the appropriate response to this quandary. My only focus was teaching the team members that they, like all human beings, feel their thinking. They, like all human beings, don’t feel their circumstances. And knowing this is what prevents people from trying to fix external situations that have nothing to do with the way they feel in the first place.

Now once that was accomplished (and a whole bunch of insights shared), my final day with this group was designed to attack the slanderous competitor issue. Everyone in the room, including me, took his or her turn revealing what the situation now looked like to them. And while each person used different language to describe his or her perspective, the overwhelming consensus about what to do was—nothing. That is, in a matter of two days, this external situation went from looking like the worst problem in the world—one that must be avenged—to a mere bag of shells. In fact, the president of the company stood up and mentioned that the competitor had actually done them a service. “In highlighting our company,” he said, “they’re providing free PR and, at the same time, guiding us. Perhaps we do need to roll up our sleeves and get better in a few areas.”

Without exception, the starting place for everyone’s perception and experience is their thinking and the feeling state that ensues. The reason that this paradigm is so powerful is once a person sees that it’s not the outside world that determines how they think or feel—the individual’s mind clears and bona fide answers automatically fill the space. And bona fide answers, by the way, never feel angry or vengeful.

No, you can never calculatingly apply the inside-out understanding. Just know that it’s true. Simply look in that direction (in to your thinking, not out to your circumstances) and your issues—sans retaliation—will naturally solve themselves.