An Optical Illusion

My good friend Joe Bier called me the other day with a question about the inside-out paradigm that I teach: “Every time I see my grandchildren, I feel good inside. Are you telling me that my grandchildren are not the cause of my good mood?”

I said, “Yes, that’s what I’m telling you.”

“It sure looks (and feels) like you’re wrong,” he countered.

Well, I do agree with Joe about that. According to one of my favorite colleagues, Gina Woolf, “Life works from the inside-out 100% of the time—not 99%. So we know with certainty that when it looks like something outside is causing us to feel (fill in the blank), that’s just the optical illusion of our thinking making a case for something that is never true no matter how much it feels and looks like it is.”

In other words, while there is a correlation between Joe’s grandchildren and his feeling state, there is not a causal relationship. And, to me, understanding this distinction is an essential ingredient to activating your innate ability to find clarity and live a productive life.

So, let’s dig deeper.

Here, to me, is how visiting his grandchildren really plays out for Joe (and you can compare Joe’s experience to any experience of your own): On days that Joe’s head is clear and he’s feeling good, he goes to see his grandchildren and his good mood continues. Simple.

But the cool thing about Joe is that on days when he has a lot on his mind and doesn’t feel so good, he still sees his grandchildren anyway. And because he does this, his head clears.

However—and this is super-important—it’s not seeing his grandchildren that clears Joe’s head. What clears his head is the fact that he doesn’t delve into all the outside factors that appear to be bothering him. Joe looks away from his supposed business issues, the traffic, the weather, whatever—and finds himself in a better mood. Yes, his grandchildren are adorable. But Joe can go anywhere or do anything at that stage of the game and regulate to peace of mind.

It works the same for you.

It may seem as if an external action or environment—going to see your grandchildren, performing a mental strategy, watching a movie, taking a walk on the beach, or practicing yoga—has the power to alter your mindset. But it’s never the case.

Everyone lives in the feeling of their thinking; not the feeling of their circumstances. If you feel down in the dumps and look outside to explain or excuse why—since your feelings don’t come from your circumstances—you’ll become a paralyzed victim. If, like Joe, you look inside to your thinking and get on with your day—you’ll feel better in a jiff.

My good buddy Joe may credit his grandchildren for his elevated disposition. Me, I give the credit to him.