C. Nzingha Smith's Blog, page 4

Promise Yourself | Christian D. Larson

Photo courtesy of National Geographic







Today, I wanted to just water us with some words of love and encouragement I came across, which touched me and had an impact. I hope they do the same for you as well! 

It's a good day when you decide it is. It really is that simple, not always easy, but simple. :) 






Promise Yourself

by Christian D. Larson



"To be so strong that nothing

can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity

to every person you meet.



To make all your friends feel

that there is something in them

To look at the sunny side of everything

and make your optimism come true.



To think only the best, to work only for the best,

and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others

as you are about your own.



To forget the mistakes of the past

and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times

and give every living creature you meet a smile.



To give so much time to the improvement of yourself


that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,

and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.



To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,

not in loud words but great deeds.

To live in faith that the whole world is on your side

so long as you are true to the best that is in you.” C. Nzingha Smith, Principal at SNC2 INK & Get Off Pause Consulting. A Solutionist & Author.

End of Summer Prayer | A Refreshing

Photo courtesy of favimage.com




I'm not sure if you have ever been through a period in your life, when you couldn't, or found it extremely difficult to pray? We all find ourselves here from time to time and when we do, it's important to hang on to God's faith during this time. I read the following one day in private bible study: "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Luke 22:31-32 The bible teaches us that even when we feel like we can't pray for ourselves that Jesus himself intercedes on our behalf. I'm thanking God for Jesus and his prayers that my faith doesn't fail and since I'm being strengthened daily, I'm being obedient and doing my part to strengthen my brothers & sisters.

As we closeout the summer and enter the homestretch to the end of the year; I pray an immense refreshing upon all of us, in and through our homes, families and everyone we are connected to.
This has been an extremely challenging time for a lot of us and I just wanted to remind you as God reminded me that He cares and loves us so much that He, himself prays for us and our victory to keep pressing forward. Even when we don't understand what's going on, God does. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 "The Lord is our shepherd and we shall not be in want." Psalm 23:1 Put your faith in God and trust that He knows what's best for you. "Let us not grow weary in well doing, for we will reap a harvest, if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

I wanted to encourage us in love to keep going and not to quit, no matter how it looks. We're too far in it to turn back, and it's too painful to stay where you are....we have to keep moving forward. This faith walk is no joke, but "with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:16 Be well!

M.A.K.E. Love,
~C. NzinghaC. Nzingha Smith, Principal at SNC2 INK & Get Off Pause Consulting. A Solutionist & Author.

I Love You, But We Aren’t Meant to Be

“The love I wanted so badly would have destroyed me,
and I would have let it.” C. Nzingha Smith




I’m
sure your parents told you, “no” from time to time as a child. Most likely
their reasons for telling you, “no” came from a place of care and love, in
order to protect you from harm or danger that you couldn’t see yourself. They
denied you of things you felt you wanted at the time, but that were no good for
you. In hindsight of the situation, you might be able to look back and see
how harmful a situation might’ve been and can now appreciate their wisdom and
guidance. Their job was to protect you, to keep you safe and on track. God does
the same thing to us as His children. There are things we want so badly, people
we feel, we can’t live without, but He blocks paths and doesn’t give us
everything we want as the ultimate parent. God knows all things. He sees the
harm that will come if He allows certain relationships in your life. He knows
your purpose and what He put you on earth to do. Even if the relationship is
not a negative situation, if He sees that it could compromise His plan for your
life, He’s going to deny you.




What
happened when your parents told you “no” about something you wanted?

More than
likely, you didn’t go down without a fight and probably resisted to the point
of kicking, crying and screaming. Your parents might have let you calm down
before trying to explain, or sometimes they didn’t bother to explain, you just
had to live with their decision, whether you liked it or not. This is sometimes
the case with God and our relationships as well. I just finished kicking and
screaming about my particular situation and when I was done, God was patient
enough with me to show me how giving me what I wanted would have ruined my
life. The person was not “bad” for me, but right now, despite the immense love
we share, we aren’t meant to be. My love for him was such that I would have
compromised the fundamentals of who I am as a person in order for us to be
together. I would have stayed contained to one place, doing things for the sake
of what I thought love is supposed to mean, but in the end I would have been miserable. I
would've been out of God’s will because I would’ve put a man before Him and
what He’s given me to do. I had to come to terms with the fact that love in
theory is much easier than the application of that love in real life. Then I
had to be honest with myself about why I was clinging on to the love so tightly. Was it
because I truly wanted it or because I needed a distraction and excuse for not doing the work I’ve been given? We are quick to take our frustrations out on
God when He doesn’t give us what we want, but we have to be honest about our
motives behind asking.




At the end of the day, pray and seek God's guidance. If you ask God for discernment,
He will show you why it's not meant to be, or tell you simply not yet, and grant you peace about the situation. I used to believe
in the one true love ideal. However, over the years, I’m finding this particular
point of view, extremely limiting. I don’t like to feel limited, so as I
continue to grow, I’m learning to be open to all of love’s many possibilities.
I believe delay is not denial, so who knows what God has in store for me and for us. He may grant
me that particular desire once I’m doing what He wants me to do, He might not. He might be giving me a preview, using the love I
feel for this particular person as a test run, similar to a playoff game, on the road to my championship win. Everyone has to be proven, before they're prepared for the "real thing". I don’t know. I won’t know unless I continue walking, trusting and having
faith that God knows what’s best for me. Sure, it hurts at first, but when you
have your life flash before your eyes, where you can see clearly how a
particular relationship can derail you completely, it’s better to see it before
it happens, than to wait until afterwards and trying to pick up the pieces of regret. 




M.A.K.E. Love, 

~C. Nzingha  
C. Nzingha Smith, Principal at SNC2 INK & Get Off Pause Consulting. A Solutionist & Author.

I Love You, But We Aren’t Meant to Be

“The love I wanted so badly would have destroyed me,
and I would have let it.” C. Nzingha Smith




I’m
sure your parents told you, “no” from time to time as a child. Most likely
their reasons for telling you, “no” came from a place of care and love, in
order to protect you from harm or danger that you couldn’t see yourself. They
denied you of things you felt you wanted at the time, but that were no good for
you. In hindsight of the situation, you might be able to look back and see
how harmful a situation might’ve been and can now appreciate their wisdom and
guidance. Their job was to protect you, to keep you safe and on track. God does
the same thing to us as His children. There are things we want so badly, people
we feel, we can’t live without, but He blocks paths and doesn’t give us
everything we want as the ultimate parent. God knows all things. He sees the
harm that will come if He allows certain relationships in your life. He knows
your purpose and what He put you on earth to do. Even if the relationship is
not a negative situation, if He sees that it could compromise His plan for your
life, He’s going to deny you.




What
happened when your parents told you “no” about something you wanted?

More than
likely, you didn’t go down without a fight and probably resisted to the point
of kicking, crying and screaming. Your parents might have let you calm down
before trying to explain, or sometimes they didn’t bother to explain, you just
had to live with their decision, whether you liked it or not. This is sometimes
the case with God and our relationships as well. I just finished kicking and
screaming about my particular situation and when I was done, God was patient
enough with me to show me how giving me what I wanted would have ruined my
life. The person was not “bad” for me, but right now, despite the immense love
we share, we aren’t meant to be. My love for him was such that I would have
compromised the fundamentals of who I am as a person in order for us to be
together. I would have stayed contained to one place, doing things for the sake
of what I thought love is supposed to mean, but in the end I would have been miserable. I
would've been out of God’s will because I would’ve put a man before Him and
what He’s given me to do. I had to come to terms with the fact that love in
theory is much easier than the application of that love in real life. Then I
had to be honest with myself about why I was clinging on to the love so tightly. Was it
because I truly wanted it or because I needed a distraction and excuse for not doing the work I’ve been given? We are quick to take our frustrations out on
God when He doesn’t give us what we want, but we have to be honest about our
motives behind asking.




At the end of the day, pray and seek God's guidance. If you ask God for discernment,
He will show you why it's not meant to be, or tell you simply not yet, and grant you peace about the situation. I used to believe
in the one true love ideal. However, over the years, I’m finding this particular
point of view, extremely limiting. I don’t like to feel limited, so as I
continue to grow, I’m learning to be open to all of love’s many possibilities.
I believe delay is not denial, so who knows what God has in store for me and for us. He may grant
me that particular desire once I’m doing what He wants me to do, He might not. He might be giving me a preview, using the love I
feel for this particular person as a test run, similar to a playoff game, on the road to my championship win. Everyone has to be proven, before they're prepared for the "real thing". I don’t know. I won’t know unless I continue walking, trusting and having
faith that God knows what’s best for me. Sure, it hurts at first, but when you
have your life flash before your eyes, where you can see clearly how a
particular relationship can derail you completely, it’s better to see it before
it happens, than to wait until afterwards and trying to pick up the pieces of regret. 




M.A.K.E. Love, 

~C. Nzingha  
C. Nzingha Smith, Principal at SNC2 INK & Get Off Pause Consulting. A Solutionist & Author.

Seventeen Timeless Love Quotes

Photo Courtesy of someecards.com







1. "Thus the iron spoke the magnet, I hate you because you attract, but are not strong enough to pull me to you." Fredrick Nietzsche 




2. "I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into my life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I've been waiting all my life."
Savage Garden



3. “If you listen to the wind very carefully, you'll be able to hear me whisper my love for you.” Andrew Davidson




4. “I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary.” Margaret Atwood




5. "Accustom yourself continually to make many acts of love, for they en-kindle and melt the soul." St. Theresa of Avila

6. "Love is best felt when one's eyes are closed. But love is best given when one's eyes are wide open." African proverb




7. "Loving someone gives them the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to." Unknown




8. “Tis better to have loved and lost. Than never to have loved at all.” Alfred Tennyson




9. "You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of u. Love is eternal." E.M. Forster




10. “Friendship often ends in love. But love in friendship; never.” Charles Caleb Colton




11.  “Love God and He will enable you to love others even when they disappoint you.” Francine Rivers




12. “I don't want to live, I want to love first and live incidentally.” Zelda Fitzgerald




13.  “When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.” Mark Twain




14. "Imagine if we taught love in schools as a subject like math...what a different world we'd live in." Patch Adams




15. “There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.” Friedrich Nietzsche




16.  “When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” Jimi Hendrix




17.  “We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” Tom Robbins
C. Nzingha Smith, Principal at SNC2 INK & Get Off Pause Consulting. A Solutionist & Author.

Five Ways to Undo "Social" Havoc on Your Relationship

Photo courtesy of twotwodaymag.com






Social media has overtaken porn as the number one activity on the web. More than 80% of U.S. divorce attorneys cite social media in divorce proceedings, and one in five divorces is blamed on Facebook, according to the Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. It’s obvious that social media is having an adverse affect on our relationships. However, social media isn’t evil in and of itself. It’s our over and misuse of it that’s wreaking the havoc, and taking our attention away from those we love. You might be wondering, why social media is having such negative effects on our relationships, when it’s supposedly designed to keep us connected? Well, the short answer is; the time, energy, attention and enthusiasm that used to be directed toward your significant other is now being poured into trying to keep up with all the different social media networks, news and online happenings. This is interfering with the real, undistracted face-to-face time needed with our true friends and loved ones. Traditionally our relationships are built on the four aforementioned elements; time, energy, attention and enthusiasm. Sharing quality time and open communication is how you get to know someone. Social media connects, but online relationships are unauthentic. It’s very difficult to really get to know someone without actually spending in-person time with them. Once you have spent the time correctly building a relationship however, you have to continue the same healthy behavior in order to maintain it. Neglecting the one you love because you can’t stop checking in on social networks is not going to help keep your relationship strong.

Unplug As Often as Possible
Increasingly, we’ve become easily distracted and lack the ability to concentrate. This is due to all of the many distractions caused by being connected all the time to social media, the internet and our smart devices. Are you showing your relationship the attention it needs? If not, schedule time daily if possible or once or twice weekly, where you spend time with your significant other with no electronic distractions. This means going “old-school” back to the time when there were no laptops, cell phones or I-anything. Plan a picnic, go for a walk, sit in the park, garden together, go running or cycling. Do you get the idea? Plan a real world, fun activity that will get your blood pumping, rekindle some romance, make you sweat and most importantly get you two connected. Leave the phones on silent or better yet, turn them off completely and re-learn how to enjoy each other’s company. Turning off electronic devices helps you relax more and be present in the moment without anxiety or constant interruptions.


Have at Least One Meal Together Daily Uninterrupted
This might seem like a weird one to make the list, but many couples are so busy they don’t even take the time to eat together anymore. Social media is causing us to lose focus on what’s really important in our lives, each other. What happens when you set the table for two, light a candle and share a meal? You are forced to slow down, talk, relax and focus on each other for a change. You feel as if you matter and your presence is valued when you have someone’s undivided attention. Your partner needs to know they are valued and important in their life, so scheduling in dinner together, breakfast, or lunch will do wonders to improve adverse relationship situations. Whatever is happening in the social world shouldn’t ever be more important than what’s happening with you and your mate at home during your quality time together.


Communicate More Offline
The constant use of social media is lessening our communications skills, and making us fearful of speaking to others. As a result we are beginning to talk less. It’s very difficult to maintain a loving relationship if there is no communication, no words of affirmation and no sharing of thoughts and ideas. The best communication takes place face-to-face when the two of you are together, not via a tweet or status update. Don’t wait until you leave each other and then send the text that says, “I love you” or “I miss you”. Seize the moment and create the memory by sharing your feelings with one another in each other’s presence. Are you using electronics and social media to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your significant other? Do you all live together? Ok, just one more question. Why? Oh, and stop it immediately! Replace the DM with a real verbal heartfelt message.


Intermix Social Media with Real Life
More frequently poor choices are being made to interact via social media over spending face-to-face time with your mate. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use social media to communicate with your special someone, it just means that it doesn’t need to be the only way you interact. Use your social media networks to strength real life relationships and bonds further. Make plans to get together, plan a wonderful surprise evening for your lover or use it to talk dirty and get each other in the mood. Social media if used better could heighten the intensity of real world relationships instead of breaking them down, but this depends on our developing better etiquette. Mixing your use of social media into your real life relationship could definitely benefit the time spent together if done right.


Get Help
Your use of social media might be well beyond your ability to control. In this case, it might be beneficial for you to seek professional help. Social media addiction is real and the effects of any addiction tend to be negative for the abuser as well as those closely associated to them. Just like alcohol and drugs can ruin a marriage, family, career, etc, so can any behavior that is compulsive and becomes uncontrollable. Addictions are usually created to fill a need or calm an anxiety of some kind. Unbalanced relationships, lack of support, lack of love shown are all reasons you might use your social media community as a constant outlet to fill the voids. However, this behavior will only further contribute to your relationship failure.



With Love & Gratitude,

~C. Nzingha
C. Nzingha Smith, Principal at SNC2 INK & Get Off Pause Consulting. A Solutionist & Author.

Building Our Love Vocabulary: The Basics

 


As children, we’ve probably all heard and learned the popular and inaccurate school rhyme; “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Who the hell came up with this? It’s the biggest lie we bought into, thinking we were immune to the negative and positive input and programming of others on our lives. As a result, we didn’t know we needed to prepare ourselves against the constant verbal assaults others would unleash on us, that would have detrimental effects on our self-value, self-esteem and self confidence. This was especially the case when the attacks were committed by those closest to us, like family or friends. Our words are by far, the most powerful weapons we carry. They inflict the most vicious of wounds because the wounds are invisible, hard to detect and often go unattended. Our words cut the deepest, and they can kill when used to tear down and destroy others. Are arsenals are full of words that destroy and break down. We’re all suffering on one level or another from internal bleeding caused by some reckless verbal assault from yesterday or twenty years ago. So, beginning at a young age we taught [armed] ourselves with negative, defensive language to protect ourselves from being hurt. Since we anticipate this being the case all the time, we are pros at using negative language more often to relate to one another. As the saying goes…”Hurt people, hurt people.”

There is a flip side to this though, a positive one. The words we use are also powerful enough, to save and change someone’s life, restore, heal, edify, honor, rescue and love. However, being inundated with the type of words and language that edify and build us up is very rare, but desperately needed. As a result, we’re not really used to hearing positive language and words of affirmation, and often don’t know how to receive them or respond correctly. It can make us feel weird and uncomfortable because the positive language may speak the complete opposite of what we’ve heard all our lives about ourselves, e.g., the case of someone who believes they aren’t beautiful, loveable or smart because of the constant negative programming they’ve had. Let’s begin to stop the bleeding. We need to be able to express ourselves in love, with the language we use, as well and get comfortable using it on each other, for the positive effects it has. This Love U lesson will focus on the basics of building our love vocabulary, starting with four of the most powerful word phrases in the English language.
Below are probably four of the hardest word groups or phrases for us to say [which we need to say more] to one another. Do they surprise you? They seem simple enough. These four phrases are not foreign to us, but often the most difficult for us to express openly and freely to one another because of the significant weight they carry, and the fact that we can’t control the response of the recipient when we say them. Saying these phrases requires us to trust, be honest, accountable and vulnerable all in one. These are normally the things that we resist if we can help it because we believe they make us targets and more susceptible to being hurt by others. However, there is beauty in simplicity and when you think you need to be a poet or eloquent in your delivery, sometimes it’s not how you say it, but what you say. These four phrases could be the difference between healing and staying broken, reconciliation and divorce or estrangement and a closer relationship. Pain can be temporary or it can last forever. We have the power to heal ourselves and others with the words we say.



Thank You
Raise your hand if you don’t like to be given compliments, praised for doing the right thing, having someone notice your magnetic personality or beautiful smile. Who doesn’t like compliments when they are genuine and from a place of love? However, we don’t prepare ourselves for them because we’re taught again to be on the defensive in our relationships. I’m guilty of it myself. Over the years, I’ve had to teach myself how to take a compliment. I used to offset compliments by pointing out a fault because I felt I had to balance the compliment out. This was a result of a lot of years of extremely negative programming and the unfortunate fact that at the time, I believed it. It made no sense for me tear myself down, when someone else was genuinely appreciating something about me and pointing it out. Now, I’ve learned to say two simple words. Thank you. I have learned to allow myself to feel the nice gesture of being recognized for my gifts, talents, beauty or whatever it may be. It makes me feel good and I’ve learned there’s nothing wrong with allowing myself to feel good. Thank you means just that. You appreciate and are grateful for someone else appreciating what makes you, you.


I’m Sorry
This is the ultimate vulnerability juggernaut. Uttering these two little words automatically requires us to take full responsibility for our actions and own any and everything we’ve done. It leaves no room to make excuses. It is often humiliating, but it is absolutely necessary as it is the first step to begin the healing process and the mending of our relationships.


Please Forgive Me
Apologizing is one thing. It releases us from the guilt, shame and prison that not owning up to our mistakes will keep us in. Saying “I’m sorry” is the first step. Asking for someone’s forgiveness is the second. Doing so, means you care about mending and reconciling and correcting the wrong. Forgiveness is for us and sets us free of the pain and hurt others have caused. Forgiveness gives us the ability to work on finding solutions to the problem(s), our healing and allows us to move on.


I Love You 
These three words usually change the worlds of the two people involved. Though a short phrase it carries with it a huge weight of responsibility for the person professing their love and for the person receiving it. Sharing this short phrase requires trust and honesty because it exposes us and makes us vulnerable and open to rejection and ridicule. Saying, I love you also requires courage because it implies action and a new standard of handling each other with care and consideration. It indicates a decision has been made. It soothes and it comforts. It does so many things, on so many different levels, and in my opinion is the most powerful phrase we can ever say to each other. Which brings me to the point: we have to stop diluting it by using it out of context to manipulate and control each other or to mean; lust, like, envy, etc. The phrase I love you is too important to be misconstrued or disguised as something else less potent. Mean what you say and say what you mean or don’t say it at all.


Homework
Now that you are armed with some positive love language arsenal, there might be someone you need to use it on. This someone might even be you. Maybe you need to go back and accept someone’s nice gesture properly, with a simple, “thank you.” Maybe you need to call or write someone and say, “I’m sorry.” Go the extra mile and also ask for their forgiveness. Lastly, there might be someone special in your life who you need to share your true feelings, with an “I love you.” You’ve got them, now use them!
C. Nzingha Smith, Principal at SNC2 INK & Get Off Pause Consulting. A Solutionist & Author.

Love: What's In It for Me?

Every morning at 6:00 a.m. EST I post a love quote of the day on my Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn Pages to serve as inspiration and to give myself and those I’m connected with online, a warm and fuzzy moment to kick start our day. I’ve had people send me messages when I miss a day or haven’t posted. I’ve been surprised to find out for some of my online family it’s the first thing they read when they get up. It’s probably safe to say we could all use more love in our lives. If that is the case, then why do we fight so hard to suppress the love we really want to share and get out of us? One day I received a message from someone I use to date via Facebook, he asked, “Who are you in love with, who’s the special guy?” The question threw me off at first, so I asked him to explain further. “Every day you post a love quote and are sharing all this love and happiness, there has to be someone in your life inspiring this, right?” Does there? I thought. It had never occurred to me that I needed a reason to inspire love in myself and others or to share the love inside of me with people now, in this stage of my life. My reply after I took some time thinking about it was, “No one in particular. It’s my duty to inspire love in others. My love is my gift to the world and I’m free to share it now.”

Have you ever felt irritated because you didn’t have a significant other to be affectionate toward or you wanted to act one way, but wasn’t sure the other person would reciprocate your love? Have you ever wanted to throw caution to the wind and be mushy, affectionate, loving and caring without worrying about getting anything back in return?
I’m learning I don’t like the immature view of love anymore, I don’t think it’s ever worked for me to be honest, but in the past I didn’t have any other alternate views or perceptions about love, so I stayed frustrated. Thank God I am growing out of it (I say growing because I’m still a work in progress). For example; the immature in love say; “I can only reciprocate if you initiate. I can only be reactive; love is only something I do when the other person feels or does the same for me or I can only profess love when I’m looking for specific reactions from others.” Actually, I’ve learned taking this view of love limits by ability to give my gift of love away the way I want to. It limits me and what I can do with my love and I don’t like that. Most of the time, these are the same type of people who want to be in control of every single thing and everyone else except themselves. What they don’t realize is, they are giving all of their control away. Love carries with it responsibility and the immature in love need a scapegoat. They need someone else to be responsible for their mistakes, mishandling or lack of skills when it comes to expressing their love, so they play the victim. I also realize my capacity to love others is way bigger than having one man be the object of it, poor thing, he wouldn’t be able to handle it all because it’s like a laser beam of light, intense and too powerful to contain. However, he’ll benefit by my having other outlets to spread the love I have inside of me around a bit. Plus, it’ll be more powerful that way because I can positively affect more people. I know how important not having love in your life is and how this effects every action we take and shapes the course of our lives for the better or for the worse.

So, I’ve since given myself permission to be free in love. Those who are free in love act. They take responsibility for their actions. They are the people who understand releasing their love is an important part of who they are and apart of the natural process of their lives. They also realize that holding back their love, holding their love in or waiting for one particular person, will often cause them more pain and harm than good. I’ve always had a special capacity to love people despite how they treated me, the more I endured the lack of love in my family life, the more I wanted to make sure others didn’t have to feel this way, ever. My natural desire was to make sure I didn’t repeat the unloving behavior projected toward me on to others. I learned compassion and how to love people past their pain because I could identify with it and this made me feel the need to correct it even though I wasn’t the cause. I’ve always had a special way of connecting with the insides of people. I use the word “insides” because I don’t know what exactly connects me with them on a deeper level. It may be our hearts, souls, or the hurt and pain we’ve shared from lack of love. I have no clue. I know what it is like not to feel loved on many different levels and to have the love you’re giving to others taken for granted or abused. However, I refuse to not be free in love. I refuse to go back to being reactive in love because it’s absolutely miserable to me. My negative love experiences haven’t made me want to keep my love to myself, guarded or protected; it’s actually made me want to strive to do better loving people. I can’t say I’ve never looked for things in return or had motives in loving in the past, but I can say that I did myself and the other person a huge disservice because I didn’t give of my love freely.

Often times we create the friction in our relationships because of what we secretly want to share, which is our unique love in a way, only we can. The friction doesn’t come because of lack of reciprocation or because we worry about whether or not the other person is worthy of our love. The frustration we experience comes from the fact that we aren’t free enough to give ourselves permission to love without limits. We hold back and don’t act out of fear and this is what complicates things and makes what should be simple, difficult. So, if you want to know what’s in it for you? Everything! Healing, forgiveness, friendship, companionship, happiness, joy, laughter, memories, deeper connections, someone to grow older with, the list is endless. But you will only grasp love’s power when you act in love freely, when you take the limits off and give yourself permission to take control over how you want to express your own unique gift of love that’s only been given to you to give to others. Get free! It’s for your own good and the rest of us will benefit too! ;)


With Love & Gratitude,

~C. Nzingha
C. Nzingha Smith, Principal at SNC2 INK & Get Off Pause Consulting. A Solutionist & Author.

Three Love Lessons We Should’ve Learned from Fairytales

As children, the cartoons and movies we watched helped shape the perceptions we had about ourselves and about each other. I identified with superheroes, princesses and the Care Bears. I believed I had superpowers, I believed that somehow even though my start in life was a bit crappy, by some stroke of luck I’d garner the attention of a distinguished fellow, who would seek me out and change my circumstances. Lastly, I believed I could beam my love & care toward someone and it would cure them of whatever anger or evil they possessed as did the Care Bears. Fairytale movies in particular began shaping my ideals and future interaction with the opposite sex unbeknownst to me. Fairytale movies had three components real life didn’t; romance, adventure, and a happy ending where love always overcame the obstacles standing in its way. I’m sure I’m not alone, in focusing in on these three things as it pertained to how my future interactions and relationships would be. After all, women innately have a need and desire to be protected, provided for and chosen. Men naturally want to impress, provide for and feel needed by the woman they love and are with.Recently as I was watching the Disney movie, The Little Mermaid, I looked a little closer at its fairytale storyline, and I began to remember all the other fairytale storylines I’ve watched and loved from childhood. I realized there are real, practical love lessons in these fairytales that I missed altogether. Maybe, had I been able to grasp them earlier, they might have helped me navigate better relationally and in love. Below are three very necessary love lessons I took from fairytale storylines. They are lessons we still need to learn as adults. These three lessons in love are now really needed in our new world culture of instant gratification. Our picture of what it means to love is terribly distorted because selfish, manipulative love messaging is being projected. The sustainability of marriages is failing as a result.


Love Means Sacrifice
Name one fairytale that didn’t require someone to have to make a huge sacrifice for the love they wanted? In The Little Mermaid, Ariel sacrificed her voice for legs, even though her voice was the only sure way of Prince Eric knowing she was who he was looking for. To sacrifice means you’re willing to give up something for the sake of a better cause, in this example love. It means you value the love you seek to gain more than whatever it is you have to give up for it. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever get it back, but for a period of time, you feel what you’re going after, is much more important. Every fairytale ever created required one or both of the lovers to give up something they valued or maybe even needed in order to be able to love the other. They acted unselfishly because they knew the love they’d receive was far more valuable and necessary. They valued love, but specifically love for each other more than anything else. They proved worthy of the love they sought, not because of their sacrifices, but because of their ability to be unselfish. As a result they were often able to have the love and be restored in the things they gave up. 


Love Must Overcome Adversity
Prince Eric had to fight Lady Ursula and kill her before he and Ariel could be together and free to explore their love for each other. In every fairytale, the prince and princess go through much adversity before they can truly be together and live happily ever after. Their love goes through a series of trials, tests and adversity before they reap any benefits and before they actually are able to be together and explore love. We often don’t value what we haven’t had to work or fight for. Same thing goes for love.


Love Requires Making a Decision
Before Prince Eric fought Ursula, he decided his love for Ariel was worth it. Just as Ariel decided her love for Prince Eric was worth her giving up her voice. They both made a decision to fight and to make the necessary sacrifices for their love. They both valued the love they shared enough to decide it was worth risking everything for. They decided separately, as individuals, from the beginning. They decided they were going to go all the way to see their love materialize, before they ever got into battle. Making the decision is what gave them the strength, courage, and stick-to-itiveness to keep going in the fight, and to ultimately win the battle for their love. As a result, they get to live happily ever after, together. Their love proved to them that it was worth fighting for and powerful enough to overcome every obstacle that came up against it.



Like me, you were probably oblivious to these important lessons fairytale storylines have tried to share with us over the years. We selectively only want to focus on the happy ending and think we ourselves are able to have the happy ending without the fight, without the sacrifices, and without making a decision to love. Absolutely not! If the make believe characters didn’t get a pass, we, who live in real life, most certainly don’t either. Love is not selfish. Our favorite characters showed us they were willing to give up things that they loved and cherished because the love they needed, and were in search of was more important. Love requires us to fight for it. We have to prove ourselves worthy of its rewards. We have to learn to value the love we receive. The battles must be won before there are any rewards in life and in love.

After Ariel and Prince Eric overcame the battles, after they sacrificed, after they decided that the love they shared was worth it, then they were able to live out the happily ever after. Not before. There was no happily ever after until after the blood, sweat and tears that proved them worthy of the love they desired. They went into battle willingly and were serious about fighting to the death for the love they believed in. They made the decision to love wholeheartedly from the beginning. They felt their love was worth it and the sacrifices and the battles did not make them give up on their love, nor make them look for a potentially easier someone to love. They stuck by their decisions and because they stuck it out, were able to enjoy a lasting, happy and fulfilling love with the person they sacrificed, fought and decided on.

Many seasoned couples in love will tell you after they have outlasted the difficulties, the fighting, the adversity that every couple faces, they are happier, more fulfilled, and value and love each other more deeply. The hard work pays off. Did you catch that? Hard work, yes it’s synonymous with love. There is no such thing as instant gratification when you seek to build love with someone. Lasting love can only be measured over time. Dust off your favorite childhood fairytale and see for yourself the lessons we should’ve learned from them then, but must learn now if we seek to win in love and be able to sustain that love. Just like there are forces that work to bring two people together in love, there are also forces at work to tear love apart. Love is that powerful. So, don’t you believe the people that tell you, you can’t have the fairytale ending you dream of, sure you can! You now know it comes at a high price to get it. It’s up to you to decide it’s worth it!

C. Nzingha Smith, Principal at SNC2 INK & Get Off Pause Consulting. A Solutionist & Author.

Five Celibacy Tips: Staying the Course

Celibacy is a lifestyle choice. A difficult one that requires tremendous focus, discipline and self-control. However, living a celibate lifestyle is doable and highly rewarding. When you make the decision to become celibate it means you also have to change your lifestyle habits if you want to remain celibate and have a successful experience. The flesh is
weak and if you can limit putting yourself in situations where the temptation
is higher, you should. Not dating during your time of celibacy, however, I feel is a disservice
to the experience. How can you grow in faith and dependence on God, if you
don't have opportunities to seek him when you are weak? It's easy to be celibate
when there is no temptation present. It is much more challenging and rewarding to grow
and mature in your decision by resisting the temptation whenever it occurs. It can be done. It's
being done and it is an extremely beneficial experience, if you stay the course
and know why you are doing it. By God's grace you will be able to stay with it. One day at a time. Celebrate all small
victories! Here are five tips to help you successfully stay on your celibacy journey to the end.



Five Tips to Stay Celibate:
1.) Stay connected to God and ask Him for help when you are tempted.
2.) Be serious when you make the decision and don't try, decide and hold yourself
accountable. Setting goals and being deliberate about your decision will make the experience much more meaningful.
3.) Don't put yourself in situations which make it harder for you to resist the
temptation.
4.) If you fall off, get back on track. Ask for forgiveness and don't beat yourself
up if you fall off.
5.) Be truthful with yourself and God about your feelings and desires.




With Love & Gratitude,

~C. Nzingha
C. Nzingha Smith, Principal at SNC2 INK & Get Off Pause Consulting. A Solutionist & Author.