David M. Brown's Blog, page 7
April 29, 2015
The Bleaklisted Movies: A Matter of Life and Death
Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
A Matter of Life and Death
What happens?
Guy cheats death, hooks up with some floozy, then has to appeal to stay alive and is allowed to.
Reason for bleaklisting?
Conductor 71 is lousy at his job. I’d have stoned him for his mistake which forced this nonsense on us.
What should have happened?
Peter Pecker is married to Ju-like-ma Pecker and all is well. Peter is a pilot but Mrs Pecker is unhappy with his pitiful wage. The problem is that she has developed an annoying addiction to making crochet hats and spends a fortune each month on the stuff. With debts mounting, Peter does the only thing he can – builds a meth lab. He has it situated on an island in the middle of an ocean somewhere I can’t remember but you have to fly there, no doubt about it. A boat might be a possibility but flying is cooler. Peter cooks crystal meth and makes a fortune for Mrs Pecker but her habit becomes increasingly worse. She builds factories and hires staff from Willy Wonka to mass produce crochet hats. Eventually Peter is taken out by some rival meth cooks who host their own TV show – Streaking Badly. Mrs Pecker soon runs out of money and tries to flee across the ocean by using a giant crochet hat as a boat but disappears beneath the waves and is never heard from again.
Working title?
A Matter of Wife and Meth.
Tagline?
Neither Heaven nor Earth would tolerate this crap, so why should you?
Who should direct?
Sergio Leone.
Who should star?
Robert Redford and Meryl Streep.
Mr B compares the stories
David Niven talking over the radio with Kim Hunter moments before he abandons his burning Lancaster bomber is one of many memorable moments from this British classic. Charlie has chosen to detract from the romance or drama and instead offer us a not very subtle alternative to Breaking Bad. The hit US show about terminally ill chemistry teacher, Walter White, who resorts to cooking crystal meth to raise funds for his family is arguably the finest show to come out of America. I can’t see Robert Redford as a meth cook, Charlie, though the fabulous Meryl Streep could probably work with the character of a crochet hat obsessed wife but only if she stops being sent proper scripts. Finally, the Spaghetti Western maestro, Sergio Leone, being associated with this abomination is the biggest insult here for me.
The post The Bleaklisted Movies: A Matter of Life and Death appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
April 28, 2015
A-Z of Cats: Y is for Yes (#AtoZChallenge)
For this year’s Blogging from A-Z Challenge (#atozchallenge), David and I have decided to focus on cat ownership. We present our very tongue-in-check guide, inspired by life with six cats!
Y is for Yes
The full A-Z will also be shared on Pinterest:
Follow Donna Brown’s board Blogging from A-Z Challenge on Pinterest.
Rest of the Blogging from A-Z Challenge
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The post A-Z of Cats: Y is for Yes (#AtoZChallenge) appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
April 27, 2015
A-Z of Cats: X is for Xylophone (#AtoZChallenge)
For this year’s Blogging from A-Z Challenge (#atozchallenge), David and I have decided to focus on cat ownership. We present our very tongue-in-check guide, inspired by life with six cats!
X is for Xylophone
(PS. It’s possible this is actually a glockenspiel. If so, just pretend you didn’t notice…)
OR maybe it’s for Xylophone Cat. Click here to find out more about “BBC: The famous Xylophone Cat“. Ahem.
The full A-Z will also be shared on Pinterest:
Follow Donna Brown’s board Blogging from A-Z Challenge on Pinterest.
Rest of the Blogging from A-Z Challenge
Click here to view the rest of the Blogging from A-Z participants!
The post A-Z of Cats: X is for Xylophone (#AtoZChallenge) appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
A-Z of Cats: W is for Weird (#AtoZChallenge)
For this year’s Blogging from A-Z Challenge (#atozchallenge), David and I have decided to focus on cat ownership. We present our very tongue-in-check guide, inspired by life with six cats!
W is for Weird
The full A-Z will also be shared on Pinterest:
Follow Donna Brown’s board Blogging from A-Z Challenge on Pinterest.
Rest of the Blogging from A-Z Challenge
Click here to view the rest of the Blogging from A-Z participants!
The post A-Z of Cats: W is for Weird (#AtoZChallenge) appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #30
Monday
Strange day today. Frizzy Hair disappeared in the evening and when we ventured to ask where she was, Beard Face explained that she’d gone to study at college. This took most of us by surprise, especially Buggles who thought the idea of the Frizz doing artwork was wonderful! Slight confusion there but when is it not where Buggles is concerned? I wasn’t able to discover what Frizzy Hair is studying weekly now but I hope it’s advice on how to get rid of her idiotic husband and replace him with someone cool like Kevin Spacey or Stephen Fry. They’re a lot older than the Frizz but it would be awesome to have them around.
Tuesday
Still early in the week but it already feels like it’s going by mighty quick. I had the luxury of blue skies and sunshine today so took full advantage. I enlisted the help of Buggles and Bilbo who were placed on a trampoline sufficient enough to allow them to jump alternately and see over our garden fence. It was their job to keep a lookout while I made my way through the gardens in search of something to hunt. I had my sights set on a robin and was about to pounce when Buggles bellowed, “Look out birdy! He’s behind you!” Is it against the ethical code of the feline to hunt and kill another cat? I really must check.
I should have been outside chasing these, well, more realistic looking types of these anyway.
Wednesday
Beard Face has yet to start his new job but he’s been busy reading up on what to expect. He sat me down today and talked of many remarkable things like pole vaulting, window cleaning, espionage and selling ice cream to elderly residents. I’m not sure what this has to do with working in education but what do I know? Elsewhere Frizzy Hair has been hard at work on a new book, “How to Tolerate a Moronic Husband,” and it’s going very well. The introduction has so far stretched to 350 pages. The old girl has a lot to get off her chest it seems.
Thursday
Beard Face has continued his viewing of David Attenborough’s The Life of Birds today. I found myself watching it with him and was most intrigued about the narrative on cuckoos. The devious sods lay an egg in the nest of another bird and when it hatches the baby cuckoo pushes the others out of the nest. How evil is that? As fascinating as this was it did leave me feeling sorry that humans don’t have nests and lay eggs. Had that been the case then perhaps a cuckoo type human could have planted an egg in the nest where Beard Face was and removed it from this world very early on. That may sound a tad harsh given that the guy feeds me and everything but I don’t care. If you had to live with the moron you’d feel the same.
Friday
The hot weather has gone to Beard Face’s head. During a shopping trip yesterday he insisted on having Frizzy Hair buy him some shorts. If that wasn’t bad enough he’s now taken to wearing the offensive item not just around the house but outside as well. Today he ventured into town wearing shorts and showing off pale white legs with a small amount of hair on them. Puberty is something that the beard found challenging. In fact, masculinity in general is something that he’s found challenging throughout his life. Amazingly, there have been no reports of crashed cars, people fainting or even hallucinations brought on by the sight of my idiotic owner in his shorts. I’ll check local news later just to be sure though.
Saturday
It was the Masterchef final last night and, my word, it was exciting! The eventual winner was the guy from The Matrix who wears sunglasses and says, “Mr Anderson.” It wasn’t really but it looked just like him so it might as well have been him, such is the logic I choose to abide by. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were torn between Hugo Weaving and the other finalist that looked like Dr Crippen. It was an unfortunate comparison but that’s life. I don’t remember much about the other candidate because Beard Face grumbled whenever she was on and Frizzy Hair continually bellowed, “She’d best not win. You can sleep in the spare room if she wins, arsehole.” I’m assuming she was talking to Beard Face but it could have been Razz.
Sunday
Beard Face and Frizzy Hair spent the day seeing family so I was able to dwell on important matters such as quantum physics, the stock market and the IQ of David Beckham. I do enjoy Beard Face not being here but the downside is I’m unable to go out and I have to contend with the other cats in the house which is never easy. Razz spends the day picking his nose and farting, while Charlie and Buggles continued their painstaking plans to invade a pizza takeaway down the road in Kendray. Bilbo and Frodo slept most of the day which was a relief though talking during their naps was quite unnerving, especially when Bilbo said, “Frizzy Hair…soft as a pink jumper.”
The post The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #30 appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
April 24, 2015
A-Z of Cats: V is for Viral (#AtoZChallenge)
For this year’s Blogging from A-Z Challenge (#atozchallenge), David and I have decided to focus on cat ownership. We present our very tongue-in-check guide, inspired by life with six cats!
V is for Viral
Here’s an exam of YouTube kitty awesomeness:
The full A-Z will also be shared on Pinterest:
Follow Donna Brown’s board Blogging from A-Z Challenge on Pinterest.
Rest of the Blogging from A-Z Challenge
Click here to view the rest of the Blogging from A-Z participants!
The post A-Z of Cats: V is for Viral (#AtoZChallenge) appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
April 23, 2015
A-Z of Cats: U is for Universal (#AtoZChallenge)
For this year’s Blogging from A-Z Challenge (#atozchallenge), David and I have decided to focus on cat ownership. We present our very tongue-in-check guide, inspired by life with six cats!
U is for Universal
The full A-Z will also be shared on Pinterest:
Follow Donna Brown’s board Blogging from A-Z Challenge on Pinterest.
Rest of the Blogging from A-Z Challenge
Click here to view the rest of the Blogging from A-Z participants!
The post A-Z of Cats: U is for Universal (#AtoZChallenge) appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
April 22, 2015
A-Z of Cats: T is for Triumphant (#AtoZChallenge)
For this year’s Blogging from A-Z Challenge (#atozchallenge), David and I have decided to focus on cat ownership. We present our very tongue-in-check guide, inspired by life with six cats!
T is for Triumphant
The full A-Z will also be shared on Pinterest:
Follow Donna Brown’s board Blogging from A-Z Challenge on Pinterest.
Rest of the Blogging from A-Z Challenge
Click here to view the rest of the Blogging from A-Z participants!
The post A-Z of Cats: T is for Triumphant (#AtoZChallenge) appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
The Bleaklisted Movies: Boogie Nights
Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
Boogie Nights
What happens?
A guy with a very large…skill…enters the porn industry and becomes something of a star. He is soon exposed to the many excesses out there, including Burt Reynolds.
Reason for bleaklisting?
Burt Reynolds. I prefered him in Evening Shade, especially when he was nude save for some strategically placed leaves.
What should have happened?
Steady Aim is poor and lives with his parents. His father spends all day watching soaps, his mother all day doing the ironing, even when it doesn’t need doing. One day Steady bumps into talent scout, Jack Hornblower, who recognises in Steady a very unique ability – he can spit further than anyone in the world. Jack becomes Steady’s agent and sets him up in the Phlegm Nightclub. Steady is the star attraction and the punters take it in turns to compete against him in a whole manner of spitting contests, too many to name here. All goes well until Steady develops an addiction for sandpaper. He snorts it, he eats it, he does the tango with it and in the ensuing spiral of drugs, sex and sandpaper, he keeps forgetting to stay hydrated. Consequently, Steady starts to lose in the spitting contests because he can’t generate any saliva. It’s a roller coaster of a ride but he eventually overcomes his addiction and finds drinking a glass of water before each contest actually makes things a bit better. Who would have thought? In the final scene Steady, full of cold, sees off a major challenge from Void Gondola and wins the star prize with a well aimed mass of phlegm.
Working title?
Loogie Nights.
Tagline?
The harder the spit, the less chance it will fall.
Who should direct?
Guybrush Threepwood.
Who should star?
Dermot Mulroney (I saw him spit in a movie once), Bruno Kirby (I saw him spit in a movie once) and Emilio Estevez (I saw him spit in a movie as well).
Mr B compares the stories
Swapping Boogie for Loogie is a very simple variation, Charlie, and sadly the difference in meaning is massive. Charlie has taken Paul Thomas Anderson’s classic 1997 movie and decided the porn industry isn’t as suitable as a good old fashioned tale of some spitting in a nightclub. Charlie’s role as casting director is also a peculiar one with Dermot Mulroney and Emilio Estevez included for the simple reason their characters spat in Young Guns and Young Guns II: Blaze of Glory respectively. The same is true of the late Bruno Kirby who also engaged in a salivary projection in City Slickers though none of these examples could hardly be described as loogies. Finally, Charlie has delved into the world of fiction by having Guybrush Threepwood, a pirate from the Monkey Island games, as director. This is because Mr Threepwood wins a spitting contest in Monkey Island 2: LeChuck’s Revenge but Charlie’s choice is a worrying one given that Guybrush’s trousers are partial to falling down and he’s often a bit clumsy.
The post The Bleaklisted Movies: Boogie Nights appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
April 21, 2015
A-Z of Cats: S is for Support (#AtoZChallenge)
For this year’s Blogging from A-Z Challenge (#atozchallenge), David and I have decided to focus on cat ownership. We present our very tongue-in-check guide, inspired by life with six cats!
S is for Support
The full A-Z will also be shared on Pinterest:
Follow Donna Brown’s board Blogging from A-Z Challenge on Pinterest.
Rest of the Blogging from A-Z Challenge
Click here to view the rest of the Blogging from A-Z participants!
The post A-Z of Cats: S is for Support (#AtoZChallenge) appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
