David M. Brown's Blog, page 5
June 8, 2015
The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #36
Monday
The start of a new week and according to the weather forecast it is going to be one crazy time. Storms, gales, rain and then a heatwave later in the week. Yes, only the UK could conjure up such incomprehensible conditions as these. Hard to believe that it is officially summer. I had ambitions of suntan lotion, basking in the sun with a cheeky cocktail and a couple of chapters of Madame Bovary but looks like I might have to wait just a little longer before the threat of rain has subsided. Oh well. I can always put cat litter in the sugar jar.
Tuesday
Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were out for most of the day doing some shopping. The frizz was anxiously searching for a father’s day gift while the beard decided he wanted to add to his summer collection of flip flops and very tacky t-shirts. If you dare to open the wardrobe with the summer attire there is a chance that you might be blinded by the multitude of bright colours and crazy patterns on offer. A pair of goggles is deemed essential before attempting this in case my warnings haven’t put you off.
Beard Face’s alcohol intake on his birthday was nowhere near this. More’s the pity!
Wednesday
Beard Face has been using a step counter recently and decided to try it out when he went for a run. He was estimating that the total amount would be something like 10,000-15,000 steps. This was based on a series of very complicated calculations involving a turnip, a rubber duck and an old copy of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. How these three items were related is something I am yet to discover. All I can say is that nothing really surprises me with my nitwit of an owner these days.
Beard Face’s target of 10,000 steps is actually considered a good amount for the average healthy person to be aiming for each day. How we’re all supposed to find the time to achieve such numbers is something of a mystery though. When he came home the total on the counter was actually 376,394,409,999,147,493,594,765,356,084,387,111,043,563,394.9999999999 steps. Given that he was gone for about half an hour I have a sneaking suspicion that there may be something wrong with the step counter.
Thursday
Beard Face has taken his obsession with Skyrim to a completely new level. While doing his writing he’s been listening to the Skyrim soundtrack which clocks in at 3+ hours and is a pleasant listen, if I’m being honest. However, what I don’t appreciate is my dimwit of an owner’s random and spontaneous outbursts. He’s been coming out with gems like, “I’m a Nord and Skyrim belongs to my people,” “I used to be an ordinary Nord till my chief took an arrow to the knee” and “Oh f*%k, it’s a dragon.” I’m not sure such an expletive featured in the original game but the sentiment was there so you can’t really grumble at the beard’s devotion. Sometimes you just have to accept that my owner is one sick and disturbed individual.
Friday
A truly challenging day today. Watching the tennis, Buggles turned to me and said, “If this is called the French Open when the tennis is going on, does that mean it’s called the French Closed when no tennis is being played?” He built on this observation by asking if the Australian Open and US Open were both defined as “Closed” while the French Open was taking place. No mention of Wimbledon. At least I don’t think there was. I left the room very quickly. It was either that or murder Buggles.
Saturday
In honour of Beard Face’s birthday tomorrow I decided to go hunting. Caught a mouse but ate it. I then caught a bird but Razz ate it. I soon caught a dog but Buggles released it. I managed to capture a rabbit but Charlie shot it with his slingshot. My successful claiming of a frog and later a hedgehog were equally disastrous with Bilbo cuddling the frog into submission while the hedgehog fled just 3 seconds into Frodo’s rendition of Bright Eyes. In the end I had to settle on an empty chocolate wrapper for the old boy. I hope he likes it.
Sunday
Beard Face’s birthday went very well…for us anyway. To be fair, we didn’t wake him at the crack of dawn as we do most days. Frizzy Hair spoiled the old boy with dollops of ice cream, chocolate, cakes, you name it, he refused to share it and scoffed the lot. Fat pig. I gathered the other cats together and led a daring assault on beardy’s stash late at night. We had to disable the alarm though which proved not remotely difficult. The combination was “1234.” Genius. Tomorrow the beard will awake to find the ice cream is gone, along with half of the cake and even that bag of chocolates shaped like Meryl Streep in The River Wild.
The post The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #36 appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
June 3, 2015
The Bleaklisted Movies: Rear Window
Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
Rear Window
What happens?
A peeping Tom in a wheelchair suspects someone living across from him has been murdered. Nosy sod.
Reason for bleaklisting?
The main dude should have been armed with a sniper rifle and taken shots at his neighbours just for fun.
What should have happened?
Stef is a lawyer that trips over a traffic cone, breaks her leg and is left in a wheelchair for a bit. She doesn’t actually need the wheelchair but is crafty, being a lawyer, so plays the system and hangs around at home. She watches the neighbours from her window, a cigarette between her teeth and a sniper rifle in her hands, just for fun. One night she witnesses a strange incident at the back door of the Conqueror family. William is seen arguing with his wife, Mable, before they go inside and later on William appears, walking very funny and very slowly. Stef comes to the conclusion that William has killed Mable and is systematically taking both the murder weapon and indeed his wife piece by piece out of the house. Rather than use a bag or some other subtle device, Stef is convinced William is stashing things up his bottom which explains why he’s walking a bit funny. After calling the police it turns out that Mable is fine, William has been having problems with haemorrhoids and Stef is arrested and charged with wasting police time though no mention is made of that sniper rifle. Weird.
Working title?
Rear Entrance.
Tagline?
A movie of euphemistic nonsense.
Who should direct?
M. Night Shyamalan.
Who should star?
Hilary Swank, John Malkovich and Doris Day.
Mr B compares the stories
Another Hitchcock thriller gets a dressing down from this year’s contender for most demented feline. Rear Window has James Stewart doing a spot of neighbourhood watch and believing there to be murder in the area. It’s just the start of another compelling Hitchcock classic. Charlie has decided that a lawyer, in a wheelchair, and armed with a sniper rifle of all things will make for better entertainment. It’s not a role that someone of Hilary Swank’s talent would be intimidated by and Malkovich is often reliable, but why has poor Doris Day been assigned to this moronic movie? As for the title, well, euphemism or not, it is dreadful.
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June 1, 2015
The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #35
Monday
Another new week and today it was Bank Holiday Monday as well. The excitement in the Brown household was palpable. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair headed out for a long walk with the beard promising her he’d take her somewhere they’d never been before. I can only hope he means right into a furnace for himself while the frizz is directed to a most splendid coffee shop of her choice. That would be a good day.
Tuesday
The French Open is up and running so Beard Face has been donning the shorts and arming himself with a tennis racquet. Today he wandered up and down the nearby main road, serving some ferocious shots at people opposite him. After an hour’s worth of play the Beard had injured 29 people and smashed 17 car windows. It wasn’t all bad. He came home with two black eyes, a broken nose and the tennis racquet still upon his person but not immediately visible to the naked eye. It turns out people don’t take too kindly to being assaulted by roadside tennis.
Beard Face has never driven a car like this. That’s a good thing.
Wednesday
Boredom seems to have got the better of Beard Face. It’s becoming so worrying that even I am starting to get concerned. I wandered into the living room this afternoon to find the Beard presiding over what looked like a miniature horse racing event but when I was closer I realised the horses were actually sausage rolls. The beard invited me to place a bet on the next race as this one had already started. It looked an exciting race. Not one sausage roll had moved! Given enough time and enough mould they could advance to the finishing line in the next few years. I’ll hang onto my money until then.
Thursday
Beard Face was in a better mood this morning due to a decent night’s sleep. The previous two days Frodo had limited the old boy’s sleep to just five hours thanks to his brass band and circus act first thing in the morning. Today though the beard was all smiles, taking in the sun (even though it wasn’t sunny), enjoying the grass (dog shit everywhere) and feeling the reassurance of being a person who is loved and admired by everyone (I’ll let you fill in this bit!). How’d you do?
Friday
Beard Face is reading the latest book by Jon Ronson. As usual, he tries to change his voice to sound like Ronson and often says “Ha! Ha!” for no apparent reason. Ronson’s book is about public shaming online something the beard has surprisingly managed to avoid in his life thus far. Charlie was once publicly shamed for mixing up Walmart with the Pop art movement. Not an easy mistake to make but Charlie did. His abuse didn’t last long. A bit of detective work revealed it was Buggles who was posing as a troll on Twitter and abusing Charlie. Buggles didn’t realise what he’d been doing. He assumed having become an internet troll he had found his way onto World of Warcraft and assumed the way forward was to abuse everyone in sight. In summary, Charlie and Buggles have the mental capacity of a grape, one they clearly have to lend to one another.
Saturday
FA Cup final day today as Arsenal take on Aston Villa. I’ll be tuning in with the other cats. Hopefully it will be less of an ordeal than last year when Arsenal took on Hull. Charlie continually swore at the TV as Arsenal did not live up to their military name while Buggles continually referred to Hull as Hell. I’ve never been to Hull to be honest but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t warrant the title of “Hell.” I can’t say the same about Barnsley but that’s another story for another time, place and galaxy.
Sunday
Beard Face was having a good old sing song this afternoon while watching the cricket. He decided to serenade us with a rendition of Abba’s Our Last Summer, or at least his own version of it. Rather than try and sing beautifully as the ladies in Abba always did, Beard Face decided to change the lyrics and focus on his days of failed driving tests. Yes, rest easy, he’s never been licensed to drive a car. Beard Face sang at the top of his lungs, “I can still recall my last bumper, I still drive without it, driving in the rain, laughing with the pain, my last bumper.” Beautiful, poetic and guaranteed to live on forever. Beard Face’s song on the other hand, well…
The post The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #35 appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
May 26, 2015
The Bleaklisted Movies: All That Jazz
Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
All That Jazz
What happens?
A workaholic theatre director and choreographer slowly deteriorates after years of excess. Rather than sit and moan about it, we get the full story through song and dance.
Reason for bleaklisting?
Roy Scheider didn’t say, “Smile, you son of a bitch!”
What should have happened?
This one is all about my homie, Razz. He runs his own cat club – The Thirsty Pussy Cat – only the “Cat” part of the sign has fallen off. The club is host to numerous extravaganzas including the famous Tuna Eating Contests. Razz has been the reigning champion for three decades but all those years of tuna abuse have started to take their toll. Crippling debts, fading customers and a lawsuit from a paranoid kitty about the colour of the bar stools has left Razz on the brink of ruin. His doctors warn him not to take part in the latest Tuna Eating Contest or risk becoming a tuna addict and spending years in rehab. Razz ignores all warnings, takes part in the contest, starts singing My Way very badly and suffers a tuna overdose. Razz ascends into his own version of the afterlife where giant tuna wander around a sparkling beach and the concept of eating too much is an alien one. The movie ends with a chorus of that old classic, Takeout, Takeout, Take Me Out, Baby.
Working title?
All That Razz.
Tagline?
All that style. All that glitz. All that glamour. All that drunkenness. All that tuna. All that Razz.
Who should direct?
Pussy Galore.
Who should star?
Razz, Garfield, the Cheshire Cat and those Siamese cats from Lady and the Trump.
Mr B compares the stories
The wonderful musical All That Jazz gets a serious feline makeover here and a dreadful one at that. Charlie pays tribute to fellow housecat – Razz – by having him star in his very own movie. While I can’t deny that the depiction of Razz here as a gluttonous kitty with a tuna habit is authentic, I much prefer watching the deterioration of Roy Scheider in Bob Fosse’s movie. Charlie’s alternative may have put me off tuna for life.
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May 25, 2015
Book Review: Operation Ajax – Daniel Burwen and Mike de Seve
Graphic true-life spy thriller about the CIA mission that overthrew Iran’s democracyThe year is 1953. As the value of oil skyrockets, global power brokers are taking an increased interest in the ruling political regimes of the Middle East. British agents have controlled Iranian oil exports for a generation, with the tacit approval of the Shah, but the landscape there has started to change.
Democratically elected prime minister Mohammed Mossadegh’s calls to overthrow the elites and take back Iran resonates among the people, and immediately American, British, and Persian agents begin to hatch plans for insurrection. Deals are made behind closed doors. Every actor has a stake. Iran’s oil will flow to the West, by any means necessary.
Operation Ajax is the story of the CIA coup that removed Mossadegh and reinstalled the monarchy. Produced by a team of award-winning artists and based on an award-winning interactive storytelling app, Operation Ajax is a thrilling tale of real-life intrigue.
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About CIA: Operation Ajax (App)
Cognito is proud to present, in collaboration with best-selling author Stephen Kinzer, the true life spy thriller, CIA: Operation Ajax. As the value of oil explodes in world markets, global power brokers begin to take interest in the ruling political regimes of the Middle East. In Iran, British agents have controlled oil exports for a generation. The shah is holding on to a shaky peace as a new charismatic leader enters the scene. Secret deals, underground rumors of revolt, and dark plots of government overthrow are employed by American, British, and Persian agents. Iran’s oil would flow, by any means necessary. Every actor has a stake in the game. No one can be trusted. Nothing is as it seems.
Learn about the incredible true history of the CIA plot to stage a coup of Iran’s government. Recently declassified documents, historic photos, and video film reels from the era are embedded into the story. See Eisenhower, Churchill, the Dulles brothers, Mossadegh, and the Shah in a whole new light.
Technical Specs:
CIA : Operation Ajax is a revolutionary new way to experience a graphic novel. Combining subtle animation with a full film score, the story unfolds in a groundbreaking cinematic reading experience.
– 210 page interactive comic with sound and animation
– 22 character dossiers loaded with historical photos and notes
– 9 historical newsreel videos
– Authentic CIA documents
– Extra content embedded throughout.
Cognito Comics iTunes
Review: Operation Ajax
As a rule, I don’t read graphic novels. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the great talent that goes into bringing a story to life so visually. I just don’t seem to see that many graphic novels with stories that capture my interest.
Operation Ajax did, covering a part of history I know still has an impact today but which I didn’t know a huge deal about. The graphic novel looks into a CIA plot to stage a coup in Iran, in order to control the price and supply of oil. This is a warts and all portrayal of the US and UK involvement in a plot that put lives and livelihoods at risk for the sake of greed and lust for power. And it’s brilliantly portrayed through the pages of Operation Ajax.
Having enjoyed the graphic novel in ebook form via Netgalley, I wanted to dig deeper. I’d noticed that there was an app – receiving great reviews and fantastic praise – and decided to go beyond the book and access the app as well. I’m so glad I did. The graphic novel alone is excellent but once you throw in the interactive elements of the app and the wealth of detail, it really brings this story to life.
Operation Ajax has certainly made me think twice about graphic novels. This approach – bringing history to life through visual and interactive mediums – has a huge role to play in the future of teaching and learning about our past. Operation Ajax is a perfect example of how our changing technology can be used to make our past more accessible and interesting, something that’s vital if we’re going to continue to learn important lessons. This book shows that something can be both educational and entertaining, handling a brutal subject with brutal honesty, but also with the sensitivity to avoid sensationalism. I’d love to see similar approaches to other historical or political events in future graphic novels from Verso or other publishers.
Verdict: 5/5
Source: Netgalley
The post Book Review: Operation Ajax – Daniel Burwen and Mike de Seve appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
Book Review: The Murder of William of Norwich – Emily M. Rose
In 1144, the mutilated body of William of Norwich, a young apprentice leatherworker, was found abandoned outside 
the city’s walls. The boy bore disturbing signs of torture, and a story soon spread that it was a ritual murder, performed by Jews in imitation of the Crucifixion as a mockery of Christianity. The outline of William’s tale swiftly gained currency far beyond Norwich, and the idea that Jews engaged in ritual murder became firmly rooted in the European imagination.
Emily Rose’s engaging book delves into the story of William’s murder and the notorious trial that followed to uncover the origin of the ritual murder accusation–known as the “blood libel”–in western Europe in the Middle Ages. Focusing on the specific historical context-the 12th–century reform of the Church, the position of Jews in England, and the Second Crusade–and suspensefully unraveling the facts of the case, Rose makes a powerful argument for why the Norwich Jews (and particularly one Jewish banker) were accused of killing the youth, and how the malevolent blood libel accusation managed to take hold. She also considers four “copycat” cases, in which Jews were similarly blamed for the death of young Christians, and traces the adaptations of the story over time.
In the centuries after its appearance, the ritual murder accusation provoked instances of torture, death and expulsion of thousands of Jews and the extermination of hundreds of communities. Although no charge of ritual murder has withstood historical scrutiny, the concept of the blood libel is so emotionally charged and deeply rooted in cultural memory that it endures even today. Rose’s groundbreaking work, driven by fascinating characters, a gripping narrative, and impressive scholarship, provides clear answers as to why the blood libel emerged when it did and how it was able to gain such widespread acceptance, laying the foundations for enduring anti-Semitic myths that continue to the present.
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Review: The Murder of William of Norwich: The Origins of the Blood Libel in Medieval Europe
When William of Norwich was murdered in 1144 it could easily have been just another unsolved crime that passed into the pages of history. What followed forms the focal point of Emily M. Rose’s well-executed book that explores William’s story in detail and how it led to the blood libel – a supposed religious tradition involving the murder of Christian children by Jews, akin to the crucifixion of Jesus, and how the Christian community responded.
Rose’s book is set in a fascinating period of European history when the Crusades to the Holy Land had begun and in England the death of Henry I had led to the Anarchy (1135-54) where Henry’s daughter, Matilda, and her cousin, Stephen, fought a vicious civil war over control of England. Religion was a keystone of people’s lives at this time with the Christians at war against Muslims and also Jews.
The significance of William of Norwich is that his death was believed to have been at the hands of the Jewish community in Norwich. This wasn’t a simple killing though, it was believed to be a religious ritual, one that would see William elevated as a saint and the persecution of Jews becoming commonplace following a trial, not against individual Jews, but against all Jews in Norwich. The truth of William’s death will never be known but its aftermath provides a fascinating insight into how pivotal religion was to people and how it could dictate their behaviour in society.
Rose explores later murders in England such as Harold of Gloucester (1168) and Robert of Bury (1181) where the response of the Christian communities is similar to that of Norwich. Ultimately, the blood libel wasn’t confined to England and Rose also give us an account of how the persecution of the Jews continued in France when their community was accused of yet another murder. The violence would soon extend throughout Europe.
While the Crusades were embraced by men, women and later even children as the opportunity to devote one’s self to their faith at this time, The Murder of William of Norwich is a testament to the power of religion at home. With the majority of people illiterate and reliant on religious spokesmen for guidance, the blood libel became another example of Medieval corruption with modern historians of the opinion it was a work of fiction. Fiction or not, the murder of an innocent boy became the perfect foil for a war, one as violent as the Crusades, but fought much closer to home.
Verdict: 4/5
Source: Netgalley
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May 24, 2015
The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #34
Monday
Tough old start to the week with Beard Face and Frizzy Hair once again arguing. This time their debate concerned the title of a Charles Dickens novel – A Tale of Two Cities. Frizzy insisted on the correct title but Beard Face was simply having none of it. He furiously hit back by insisting Charles Dickens was the author of the celebrated novel – A Tale of Two Shitties. This one was a no brainer really but beardy would not back down on this one for at least seven hours and he only relented when the frizz threatened to lock away his supply of sausage rolls.
Tuesday
Skipped breakfast and headed straight outside this morning to enjoy the weather. Blue skies and sunshine when I set out. During the course of the day I was met with rain, sun, wind, hailstone, snow, tornadoes and an unfortunate encounter with an old chap named Giles. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were nowhere to be seen so I ended up stuck outside for the entire morning. I think a rendition of Right Said Fred would be apt now: “Poor pussy, pussy cat.”
Charlie’s jumper wasn’t as colourful as these offerings and it looked much more embarrassing too.
Wednesday
Feeling under the weather today and that means the OTT treatment from Beard Face and Frizzy Hair. Whenever one of the cats is ill they wrap them in cotton wool and proceed to feed us countless treats, tins of tuna and even half a packet of Monster Munch. That may sound like a pleasant day and it is, but there follows that other thing they insist on doing. That thing where Beard Face cuddles you and whispers to you as if you’re a little baby, all “coo-ee” and “who’s a sick boy?” remarks. It’s good for inducing nausea, no question, but still not worth the weeks of therapy that follow.
Thursday
Frizzy Hair has been working on some graphics for a big promotional event coming up. She’s inviting people to pick a location from a book – a sort of world tour if you will. For once, Beard Face suggested something authentic. I went for something sophisticated i.e. Johannesburg from Alan Paton’s Cry, the Beloved Country; Razz went for London citing anything with Jack the Ripper in; Frodo went musical with Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity, also in London; and Charlie opted for H.G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds, also UK based. My siblings lack of imagination was addressed by Buggles and Bilbo. Bilbo opted for Frizzy Hair’s warm embrace as his location while Buggles was torn between Narnia, Middle Earth and Discworld. Nice one, idiots!
Friday
Frizzy Hair is stepping up (see what I did there!) her exercise regime and has invested in a pedometer to track her progress throughout the day. She says the average healthy amount of walking is 10,000 steps though Charlie would insist that 500,000 steps is the absolute minimum for anyone that wishes to join his feline army. I approve of the frizz keeping fit and healthy, means we have her around for a good long while, which suits me just fine. I had the sudden idea of getting a type of pedometer to measure the amount of thoughts Beard Face has each day. Well, he’s been hooked up to the device for the last three hours and the thought count is at 0.00000485. Not really sure what that means and to be honest I don’t want to know.
Saturday
It’s Eurovision tonight and the whole family will be gathered around to see how the UK does. If previous years are anything to go by we’re not going to get anywhere but it’s good to turn up and try, right? Have the UK come close to winning this competition since the 1960s, 1970s or 1980s? Interestingly we have Australia taking part this year which is something of a surprise but even more alarming is the presence of The Kitties Republic of Charlie Killerific aka KROCK. Yes, our very own Charlie is taking part and his rendition of Smack My Bitch Up With a Red Herring and Shower Her With Ectoplasm is bound to turn a few heads at Eurovision…and probably one or two stomachs as well.
Sunday
Charlie was still reeling from his failure to win any points at Eurovision last night. Add to that the small matter of Beard Face and Frizzy hair making him wear a jumper and you can see that it wasn’t the best of days for the little dictator. Charlie has declared war on Sweden for winning Eurovision, war on jumpers for being humiliating and assured me that Beard Face will be minus a nose, ear and shoe by the end of the night. What he has in mind I’m not too sure at this stage but it sounds a little bloody.
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May 23, 2015
Netgalley and Book Enthusiast Promotions Library Service Event
One of our favourite virtual book tour and promotions companies is running a great event: the Netgalley and Library Service Event. Check out all the details below to find out more!
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May 20, 2015
The Bleaklisted Movies: The Terminator
Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
The Terminator
What happens?
Robot travels back in time to kill the mother of a resistance leader before he can be born. He says “I’ll be back” in a strange accent then fluffs the mission. Idiot.
Reason for bleaklisting?
Why send one robot back? Why not make it an elite squad of 7,000 just to make sure you get the job done?
What should have happened?
Sarah Boner is having a night out when a mysterious man named Giles appears and tells her she’s in danger. Apparently a giant mouth that belches a lot has been sent from the future to kill her. The reason? Because in the future she gets a job for some company – Hammond Organ Inc. – which is a cover for the production of robots that look like giant mouths. Unfortunately, Sarah is crap at typing and accidentally instigates the production of 300,000 new robots that look like buttocks rather than mouths. Consequently, the robots lose the war because of this mishap so they have travelled back in time to kill Sarah and ensure the proper production line goes ahead. The evil robot shaped like a mouth tracks down Sarah and Giles but is ultimately killed when they manage to stitch it shut and it explodes after failing to prevent a belch. Giles dies after being struck by a giant tooth and Sarah escapes to fulfil the prophecy at Hammond Organ Inc.
Working title?
The Burpinator.
Tagline?
Your future is in his mouth.
Who should direct?
Terry Gilliam.
Who should star?
Ray Winstone, Olivia Newton-John and Jason Statham.
Mr B compares the stories
James Cameron’s classic from the eighties would only be bettered by its sequel where Arnie is a good Terminator rather than a bad one. The original Terminator is genuinely terrifying with Arnie conveying its robotic nature especially well. Charlie has opted for robot mouths that burp as his key villains in this sci-fi saga that will never be unless substantial bribes are made or plentiful drugs are taken in Hollywood. Ray Winstone and Jason Statham are pretty tough guys but I’m not sure about Olivia Newton-John in this one. Xanadu maybe but The Burpinator? No.
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May 18, 2015
The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #33
Monday
A new week, a new government, same old Beard Face. Today he announced to Frizzy Hair that she has her six cats so now he wants to get six pets of his own. Pets! Really? How insulting. Frizzy Hair was none too impressed either and after giving the old boy a right royal rollicking, they both calmed down and discussed future acquisitions. Six cats in one house is a lot you know, so the frizz was curious about what other pets the beard had in mind. His suggestion? Llamas and lots of them. Beard Face’s preference was for pink llamas and ones that were coloured like an array of national flags. Thankfully, Frizzy Hair dismissed the llama suggestion which is great news all round but not for Buggles who’d already ordered a llama saddle off Amazon. A strange day by all accounts.
Tuesday
Beard Face has been watching a documentary about a 70s group called Big Star, critically acclaimed but never more than a cult phenomenon. It was a sad story. The worst thing about it was that Beard Face was suddenly inspired to try his hand at music. He grabbed a knife and fork and started banging them together while simultaneously singing, “Oh baby! Yeah, won’t you buy me a bevvy. I mean an alcoholic bevvy, not a soft drink bevvy, yeah. Oh baby! You’re making me crazy. I don’t know why. I don’t know why. No, really, I don’t know why, you just kinda do or maybe it’s those pills I took earlier, yeah, took earlier. The ones you said would be good for my back and they were but you didn’t warn me about the orange dragons and the floor being on the ceiling and the ceiling on the floor. Rock it baby!” I think the likes of Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney and John Lennon will be most intimidated by this up and coming song writing rival.
I keep hoping Beard Face is one step closer to this state!
Wednesday
Beard Face was back on with the documentaries today. He tuned into one about the life of American film critic Roger Ebert. As usual, the old boy wasn’t content with just watching the documentary. He decided that he’d like to have a go at being a film critic himself. Beard Face reasoned that his opinion was valuable and that everyone would want to hear it, even pay for his thoughts. Have a look at some of his thoughts on Bambi and see if you agree: “Bambi is a thrill a minute Disney flick with a valuable lesson about not being shot and when you’re hanging out with a rabbit called Thumper you know it’s time to ease down on that dosage of LSD. The animals, supposedly animated, look just like the real thing and the ending leaves this one open to a sequel with Bambi and Thumper as sociopaths that like to rob banks. I give it 4 tits out of 5.”
Thursday
Beard Face and Frizzy Hair watched a documentary today about child obesity in the U.S. It was very interesting but at the same time horrifying to witness. The frizz, who watches what she eats, couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She turned to her husband and asked for his take on it. Beard Face, pizza and burger in one hand, milkshake and bowl of ice cream in the other (he has big hands!) simply muttered the occasional word between mouthfuls. Amazingly, he doesn’t put weight on but I suppose all that running he does helps there. The documentary was wasted on the beard though. He shrugged at the end and said, “When does Kevin Costner build that baseball stadium?” Wrong movie, beardy. How did you get them mixed up?
Friday
Frizzy Hair was singing one of her favourites today – “Cupid” by Sam Cooke. It’s a classic from the sixties and she sang it very well I have to admit. Unfortunately, Beard Face then felt the need to gatecrash the melody with his own rendition which involved swapping Cupid for Stupid and then trying to make the song as rude as possible. Frizzy Hair handled the situation admirably. Having procured a new wok from town she gave it a test run by smashing the beard across the face with it. He still tried to sing but it came out as “Thupid” which sounded much better than his first attempt.
Saturday
Frizzy Hair put Beard Face in charge of the garden today and in the process entrusted him with the lawnmower. In fairness, he did a good job but his methods were worrying. Beard Face insisted on treating the lawn like someone who’d popped into the hairdressers. He frequently stopped, knelt down, stroked the blades of grass and said, “How’d you like it?”, “This is so smooth and silky,” and “I’ll soon have this looking like a million dollars, sweetheart.” I’m not sure the grass appreciated all the extra attention but the beard seemed to enjoy the myriad of intimate moments. One man and his lawn: a modern day love story?
Sunday
Frizzy Hair had an awful headache today so I insisted that the other kitties be on their best behaviour to help her. I wish I could say the same about Beard Face but it wasn’t to be. He chose this of all days to start practising for the Annual Kitchen Appliance Orchestra Awards. Beardy got a pan which he hung from his neck with string before grabbing a knife and fork and banging them alternately against this household neck piece. The sound was terrifying and the frizz tolerated it for a good half hour before strangling her husband with the string around his neck. She did it long enough for him to pass out and left it at that. Shame.
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