David M. Brown's Blog, page 2
September 17, 2015
The Bleaklisted Movies: You Only Live Twice
Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
You Only Live Twice
What happens?
James Bond goes to Japan to investigate a hijacked American satellite, there’s some ninjas and stuff, and then Bond saves the world…again.
Reason for bleaklisting?
Bond keeps changing in these movies. He sometimes looks older, he sometimes looks younger, his accents change and even his face. What’s that all about?
What should have happened?
James Bondage is sent to investigate the mysterious disappearance of some rodent food from a pet shop. Humans are suspected of the theft by everyone except Bondage. He decides to use his intelligence and investigates rabbits instead because they’re usually the culprits when it comes to robbery. Assisted by the gorgeous Licky Dicky, Bondage discovers that he’s been wrong the whole time. The real villain of this piece is actually a human named Cartwheels Carly. Bondage is staggered by this revelation and the knowledge that animals just don’t really have the physical and mental capacity to pull off pet shop heists. Having wasted millions on some pointless investigations (most of it going on an Alfa Romeo that simultaneously flies, swims and can be driven on land), Bondage has his licence to kill revoked and the secret service just dials 999 to solve this mystery. They do so in less than 24 hours and for a modest fee.
Working title?
You Only Love Stealing From Mice.
Tagline?
You Only Love Stealing From Mice…Because You Clearly Have Size Issues.
Who should direct?
Gus Van Sant.
Who should star?
Benedict Cumberbatch, Kim Basinger and Mira Sorvino.
Mr B compares the stories
Sean Connery’s fifth outing as Bond undergoes a staggering amount of changes here. Benedict Cumberbatch could well be a future Bond but here he’s Bondage…James Bondage, inept and downright clueless in investigating the simple case of a pet shop robbery. I’m actually surprised that Charlie doesn’t like James Bond to be honest, but given how much he struggles with more than one actor having played 007 it’s probably not that big a shock. If you do miss out on the Bond gig, Benedict, then worry not because Bondage is waiting for you!
The post The Bleaklisted Movies: You Only Live Twice appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
September 9, 2015
The Bleaklisted Movies: Looper
Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
Looper
What happens?
Guy kills people sent from the future but things get complicated when his next target turns out to be an older version of himself. 2 hours of mind numbing nonsense later it’s all over.
Reason for bleaklisting?
Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis are not the same people so the movie doesn’t work.
What should have happened?
Moe is an assassin who specialises in killing anybody that isn’t a fan of 1980s cult classic Krull. After ten years doing the job, Moe is stunned when he kills a bearded guy only to find it is Ken Marshall, the star of the original movie. From this point on Moe becomes the hunted party but finds whenever he utters an expletive it is bleeped out by some unseen power. Moe’s former employers and Krull fans worldwide gradually close the net on our incompetent anti-hero. Moe decides the best thing to do is to destroy his DVD copy of Krull to bring down the organisation he has devoted his life to and in the hope of restoring Ken Marshall to life. Only when he has burned the DVD to ashes does Moe suddenly remember there is more than one copy of Krull out there and, even worse, that this isn’t one of those confusing time travel movies. The story ends with Moe uttering yet another expletive as the mob descends on him and he smiles as this time the vulgar word is aptly not bleeped out.
Working title?
Blooper.
Tagline?
Hate Krull? You’re screwed.
Who should direct?
Oliver Stone.
Who should star?
Marlon Brando, James Dean and Katharine Hepburn.
Mr B compares the stories
Looper is a challenge for slow thinkers such as myself but it’s a great movie as well. I’m utterly perplexed as to what has happened with Charlie’s alternative. He has eradicated the time travel element and instead focused on a bloodthirsty appreciation society for 1983 movie, Krull. It isn’t a great movie, in my opinion, but it’s there and you have to deal with it as best you can like Shark in Venice or Movie 43. A prestigious cast directed by Oliver Stone sounds like a dream combination to me but three great leads don’t deserve to have their names tarnished with this obscenity.
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September 5, 2015
Book Excerpt: In Sheep’s Clothing – L.D. Beyer
PROLOGUE
September
As the clay disk sailed out of the trap house, the President swung his gun, tracking the target. A gentle squeeze of the trigger and the target exploded, nothing left but dust in the air.
One for one.
The Secret Service agent standing ten feet behind him nodded. President Thomas Walters was a life-long member of the NRA and former winner of the Marines’ Expert Marksmanship Badge. The man was lethal with a gun.
It was a typical fall day for northern Maine. The morning sun had just cleared the tree line, but wasn’t yet strong enough to burn away the fog seeping out of the woods. Although chilly, the President and his entourage of agents didn’t seem to mind. Trap shooting was something that the many demands of his office prevented the President from enjoying as often as he would have liked. The way he looked at it, he could escape for a few moments while his Secret Service detail enjoyed a change of scenery. Besides, today it seemed the foliage was at its peak. The red, orange and yellow leaves, together with the scent of autumn, reminded him of hunting trips with his father long ago.
The clay bird shot off to the President’s left, but he swiftly adjusted his aim and fired.
Two for two.
His father was the one who had taught him how to shoot, the one who had told him again and again that ammunition was expensive—a precious commodity not to be wasted by a bad shot. His skill had come from necessity.
The President changed his angle as another target sailed past the shooting line.
Three for three.
One of his father’s friends, a buddy from his old platoon, owned a cabin on a lake up in Michigan. Every year in November, his father went hunting, while the future president stayed home with his mother and sister. Tom Walters was thirteen when his dad first asked him to come along. He remembered how excited he was on the ride up to the cabin; how happy he was that his dad thought that he was old enough, man enough to go. Almost instantly, the happy memory vanished as he recalled how humiliated he’d felt on the way home.
Another clay bird exploded over the field.
Four for four.
On the second day of the trip, he had missed a buck that was grazing fifty yards away. He had hesitated, waiting for the animal to turn for a better shot, a perfect shot. That one second had cost him, as the deer, sensing danger, bolted. He had squeezed off a wild shot, knowing as he did so that it was hopeless. God, how he had wished he could relive those few seconds. He had wanted so much to hear his father tell him how proud he was. The rest of the week was horrible as he dreaded the long ride home….
“What the hell’s the matter with you boy? There’s no reason you should ‘a missed that shot. Hell, I’ll bet your sister could ‘a hit that buck. Maybe I’ll bring her next year and leave you home!”
It was four more years before his father asked him to go again.
Five for five.
His father was the one who had pressured him to enlist, told him that the Corps would make a man out of him. The President felt a twinge of guilt wondering what his dad would think now, when the story broke. Jesus! The press would be all over him like vultures on an animal carcass and all for something that happened almost forty years ago.
Six for six.
At one point, back when his career was beginning, he dreaded that his past “indiscretions” would suddenly surface and his budding political career would wither and die. But, as time passed, and his career progressed, the fears had faded.
The target shot out in front of the President. He swung the gun, but not with the same fluid motion. The clay bird broke into several large pieces.
Seven for seven.
As the President reloaded his shotgun, he could almost hear his father….
“Concentrate now boy! You almost missed that time! People will think I’m raisin’ a sissy!”
He had just been discharged from the service and entered college on the GI bill. Like many young men away from home for the first time, away from authority, he lived the life of a rebellious freshman, going to beer parties, skipping classes, trying to get every girl he met in the sack. In a few short months, the disciplined life he had led while in the Corps seemed a vague memory. At the end of his first semester, after final exams, he celebrated with his roommate and some coed friends by drinking shots of tequila and playing strip poker. The poker game soon gave way to sex, and after they each had made love to both women, Walters and his roommate watched as the two women made love to each other. He must have had a lot of tequila—before he realized what he was doing, he was having sex with his roommate.
What might have been excused as a drunken college stunt or youthful experimentation probably would have been except for two things. First, he and his roommate continued to see each other. Second, one of the women managed to capture a few intimate moments of the future president and his roommate on her camera.
He had thought the whole incident was long forgotten until two months ago. Tyler Rumson, an aggressive, two-term Republican Senator from New Jersey, showed him the pictures and suggested that he reconsider running for reelection. When he refused, Rumson had threatened to leak the pictures to the press. He had increased the pressure over the last several weeks and the President had finally realized that even if he agreed to drop out of the race, Rumson would give the pictures to the press anyway. It was odd, Walters thought, that the possibility of losing the presidency, of losing his wife, and possibly being cast aside as a social pariah didn’t bother him nearly as much as the prospect of facing his dad. He was a sixty-six year old man, he was the President of the United States, and he was still afraid of his father.
The President called for the next target. As the clay bird flew out of the trap house, he turned the gun, stuck the barrel in his mouth and pulled the trigger.Show moreShow less
About In Sheep's Clothing
Caught in a game of chess he didn’t know he was playing until it was too late, the President makes the only move he can, plunging Washington and the nation into chaos. Stunned and reeling, Vice President David Kendall takes the oath of office and tries to heal a nation in mourning. But what the new president doesn’t realize is that things in the White House aren’t always what they appear to be, and sometimes what looks like the best option may turn out to be the worst. When one fatal decision triggers consequences he never envisioned, President Kendall finds himself caught up in the same game that cost his predecessor his life.
Although there was nothing he could have done, Secret Service Agent Matthew Richter is haunted by the death of the man he had vowed to protect. When his girlfriend leaves him and his boss tells him that his job is on the line, he thinks his life cannot get any worse. He soon realizes how wrong he is when he finds himself fighting to save another president from the deadly forces that he has unwittingly unleashed.
One man holds the reins of power. One man vows to protect him. One man vows to destroy him.
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About L.D. Beyer
I spent over twenty-five years in the corporate world, climbing the proverbial corporate ladder, so to speak. This meant a lot of time away from my family, extensive travel, a half-dozen relocations, and the opportunity to live and work in Mexico for several years. I’ve had the desire to write for a long time but my job left little room for much else. In 2011, I decided it was time for a change—I was tired of moving every few years, I wanted to spend more time with my family and I wanted to chase my dream of being a writer.
I am an avid reader, particularly of thrillers by such authors as David Baldacci, Steve Berry, Brad Thor and Vince Flynn. For me, a few hours with a good book is far more enjoyable than a few hours in front of the TV. I live in Michigan with my wife, three children and enjoy cooking, hiking, biking, working out and fixing just about anything that breaks in the house. Three kids, a dog and an aging house mean I spend a lot of time fixing things.
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The post Book Excerpt: In Sheep’s Clothing – L.D. Beyer appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
September 2, 2015
The Bleaklisted Movies: Gone with the Wind
Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
Gone with the Wind
What happens?
Some rich trollop is in love with one guy but can’t be with him so marries some other guy instead. After numerous tragedies her husband tells her to piss off, in a politer way than I would.
Reason for bleaklisting?
Frankly, my dear, I thought it was crap.
What should have happened?
Charlotte O’Bloody Hell is in love with Jeremy, who is a fireman who often poses with his shirt off and leaves many women (and men) drooling. Jeremy doesn’t feel the same and marries Charlotte’s friend Nicky just to be a bit annoying and because she’s a fan of fire extinguishers. Charlotte is wooed by the head of the fire station – Jet Scuttler – who drinks too much but is a renowned lover. The problem is that he and Charlotte seem to have a bit of trouble getting it on. These things happen. Most of the time it doesn’t work out but over time Jet realises that Charlotte is most amorous on breezy days. This improves their sex life, they have a daughter named Lonnie O’Bloody Hell Scuttler, who later dies in school from exhaustion after writing her full name 100 times on the blackboard. Jet realises that Charlotte is in love with Jeremy when he watches a YouTube video of Charlotte talking about her reading of The Tempest but instead confessing her feelings instead. Jeremy rejects Charlotte for the last time when she fails to tell him the difference between the various types of fire extinguishers. Charlotte tries to patch things up with Jet but he turns to her and says, “Listen bitch, it would be cheaper for me to get a hooker so, on your bike.” Charlotte vows to win back Jet and, failing that, give Internet dating a try.
Working title?
Moan with the Mind.
Tagline?
The lamest romance of all time.
Who should direct?
Limahl.
Who should star?
Jennifer Garner, Samuel L. Jackson, James Caan and Emma Thompson.
Mr B compares the stories
One of Hollywood’s most loved movies, Gone with the Wind, is unrecognisable in this alternative directed by 80s pop star Limahl and swapping Clark Gable for Samuel L. Jackson. While I admire Charlie’s ambition with what looks like a great cast I’m just worried a distinct lack of plot and purpose will just undermine any hopes this nonsense has of getting the green light.
The post The Bleaklisted Movies: Gone with the Wind appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
August 26, 2015
The Bleaklisted Movies: Lost in Translation
Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
Lost in Translation
What happens?
Middle aged guy and young woman meet in Tokyo; they drink, they karaoke and then go their separate ways.
Reason for bleaklisting?
I didn’t hear what Bill Murray said at the end of the movie. Rude.
What should have happened?
Nob is a washed up reject from the X-Factor who lost his position on the show because he appeared on stage with a tape recording of the song rather than offering his own rendition. Nob has spent the next 30 years since that 2 minutes of fame trying to reclaim the limelight. He carries the same tape recorder and plays the same song which is, incidentally, Engelbert Humperdinck’s Release Me. Nob’s long-suffering manager sends him to Romania where it is believed he may be able to make use of his song in a proposed advert celebrating the gorgeous scenery there. Nob, armed with the tape recorder, ends up lost but finds a kindred spirit in Carlotta who is half his age but also can’t find her way back to the hotel. After being chased by vampires, goblins, minotaurs and Keith Richards, Nob and Carlotta make it back to the safety of the hotel. The movie ends on a sad note when Nob realises his tape recorder is broken and Engelbert’s song no longer plays. Carlotta buys Nob an iPod with all of Engelbert’s songs on it before she is arrested for looking offensive.
Working title?
Lost in Transylvania.
Tagline?
Everyone wants to listen to Engelbert Humperdinck. If they don’t then they’re stupid.
Who should direct?
Ridley Scott.
Who should star?
Bill Paxton and Olivia Wilde.
Mr B compares the stories
Charlie, why would you desecrate one of my favourite movies like this? Lost in Translation isn’t for people looking for lots of action but the script and the bond between the two leads, not to mention the fantastic backdrop of modern Japan makes it an exquisite piece of cinema. Charlie has delved into the realm of X-Factor rejects still in search of fame and sent them to Romania for a random meeting in the middle of nowhere with a younger woman. Smooth. Bill Paxton and Olivia Wilde for this one? Possibly. I might even favour Ridley Scott helming this horror show if it means he doesn’t proceed with that sequel to Blade Runner.
The post The Bleaklisted Movies: Lost in Translation appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
August 19, 2015
The Bleaklisted Movies: It Happened One Night
Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
It Happened One Night
What happens?
Some rich tart runs away from home, hooks up with a struggling journalist and they have numerous adventures before the inevitable soppiness sets in.
Reason for bleaklisting?
The migraine I had for the next week.
What should have happened?
Selfie is a rich broad who decides to annoy her family by running off with P. Meter, a parking meter who has secreted away a large amount of change. Hot on their heels is a policeman named PC Palindrome who happened to be at the car park at the time of the elopement. When the money runs out after the first night, Selfie sets her lover up as a parking meter and while he makes some dosh she does her best to remain inconspicuous despite repeatedly sitting in parks and reading a newspaper which features Selfie on the cover with the words, “Have you seen this woman? She’s probably in a car park reading this newspaper.” PC Palindrome arrests P. Meter and then catches up with Selfie. He informs her she is such a fine piece of ass that they can either run away together or she can go back home. Selfie opts to go home, citing her preference for inanimate objects, her life of crime having lasted about 36 hours.
Working title?
It Happened One Night…and Some of the Day After.
Tagline?
A love like no other…before or since…probably because it’s not legal and it’s a bit weird.
Who should direct?
Richard Attenborough.
Who should star?
Jane Fonda, Bill Maher (as the voice of P. Meter) and John Thaw.
Mr B compares the stories
The first movie to bag the elusive five major Academy Awards, It Happened One Night is a classic romance of its time. Charlie has chosen to get rid of the rich girl’s forbidden lover and replace him with a parking meter. Instead of a struggling journalist we just have a cop doing his best to catch the runaway woman and her inanimate lover. It sounds like the sort of tripe you might find in a concrete bunker but thanks to Charlie’s insistent nature it is here for all eyes and ears to suffer. An unusual cast and a director that deserves better are just the icing on this awful cake.
The post The Bleaklisted Movies: It Happened One Night appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
August 12, 2015
The Bleaklisted Movies: Dirty Dancing
Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
Dirty Dancing
What happens?
Girl falls for guy that dances. They both dance. A lot. That’s it.
Reason for bleaklisting?
What’s so dirty about the dancing here? Chainsawing a rival’s leg off during a dance, now that’s dirty.
What should have happened?
Janice Delouser heads for a Medieval holiday camp with her family for the summer and is soon a bit bored. Things take a turn for the better when she falls for Phoney Castle, a guy that is the star knight in the re-enactment events that the camp hosts. Janice decides to impress Phoney by having a go at being a knight herself and she does rather well. Not being sexist, but Janice isn’t as strong as some of the other knights but she has something they don’t. A brain. Whenever she gets involved in the lancing competitions, Janice simply ducks, stabs her rival’s horse and delights as they and said steed take a tumble. Before anyone complains, the horses are okay because the tips of the lances are not sharp, health and safety and all that. Janice manages to defeat Phoney in a contest and as he’s in a heap in the mud they fall in love and spend the rest of their days humiliating other poor souls that dare to take part in the contests. And, before you ask, no one is put in the corner here.
Working title?
Dirty Lancing.
Tagline?
Have the joust of your life.
Who should direct?
George Lucas.
Who should star?
Holly Hunter and Robert Duvall.
Mr B compares the stories
The much-loved Dirty Dancing is given a Medieval makeover here with Charlie offering us his passion for jousting rather than dancing. An interesting alternative and I do like the idea of a woman besting the other knights with her intelligence but this is still a pretty cheesy and lame movie idea. George Lucas on board as director would mean CGI horses no doubt and there’s bound to be a scene where someone swaps a joust for a lightsaber or uses the Force. That bit would be awesome!
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August 10, 2015
#RRBC Spotlight Tour – Peggy Hattendorf
Captivate . . . engage . . . transport – setting does all that and more.
Create the mood – draw in the reader – jump start the whole story . . . all with setting.
The background and surroundings provide support and footing for structuring and building the story. Presenting vivid descriptions and details – engage the reader’s emotions and allow him to see what the characters see. It secures place and location for characters, drama, conflict and suspense; while grounding the reader with a sense of identification. When properly formulated, setting unleashes the dramatic aspects of the narrative or dialogue.
Many books announce the environment or location at the commencement of the story – or in the first few sentences. “The gleaming aircraft wing glistened in the late morning sunshine as she gazed out the window.” This is a passage taken from my book, Son of My Father – A Family Dynasty. A concrete reference establishes the setting with the first sentence. Several lines of dialogue from the corporate management team onboard follow, revealing the private airplane is heading back to New York. Then the reader learns, “As the plane lifted off from Los Angeles heading for the clouds, the celebration began.” Setting has oriented the reader and provided a frame of reference.
Setting paints a picture. “Christiana owned an Italianate villa named Bellagio, after one of her favorite spots in Italy. The twenty-five thousand square-foot gated estate was defined by fine architectural accents and European understatement, with free-flowing large expanses of windows and terraces, majestic ceilings and marble floors, overlooking the splendors of the waterways complete with two boat docks.”
Setting presents imagery. “Awaiting Christiana’s arrival, Jack made a last minute visual inspection as he strode around his apartment. Satisfied that all was in order, he touched the Cristal Champagne chilling in the ice bucket on the cocktail table next to the Baccarat crystal flutes. Playing softly in the background was Shubert’s Unfinished Symphony and the twinkling lights of Manhattan were starting to accent the skyline.”
The American Author, Jacob M. Appel, notes setting should have three specific goals: To orient – give the reader a frame of reference. To awe – provide knowledge and descriptive details of the location, along with interesting tidbits that come from familiarity. To trap – pull the reader into the setting and the first drama.
Setting must be credible developed from current experience or knowledge of place, along with thorough research and validating information. Setting must be cohesive with the plot and characters. Setting must be consistent with the timeframe of the story. Setting remains a key and vital component to storytelling.
I welcome your comments or questions and am reachable by email.
Author – Son of My Father – A Family Dynasty & Travel Editor – hers Magazine
About Peggy Hattendorf
Peggy’s earlier careers helped cultivate and enrich her interest in writing. In her executive positions in the non-profit field, she had the opportunity to compose technical and operational handbooks for staff and volunteers for a number of name recognized organizations. Her management experience guided her to a multi-decade second career in the travel industry highlighted with the co-founding of a nationwide marketing consortium and independent contractor network. With over 5000 members, generating $180 million in annual sales, she wrote daily travel updates and news briefs distributed electronically to the membership. Today, she maintains an ambitious travel schedule and is the Travel Editor for hers Magazine where she writes travel feature articles and Hotel Review blog posts. In addition, she still serves on a number on non-profit boards. Her background with upscale and luxury travel products served as cornerstones in the character development and storyline of her first novel – “Son of My Father – A Family Dynasty.” She is currently working on her second book.
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About Son of My Father
It was always “Father” never “Dad.” The love and respect was manifest so was the distance – the distance not as evident.
Christiana Lynn Barrington’s life is a carefully constructed world built, presented and controlled by her billionaire father, Jonathan Robert Barrington.
She never knew anything else.
As the only child of Jonathan and Elizabeth Matthews Barrington, she’s the heir apparent to the behemoth Barrington Holdings International.
Frequently, she wondered if her father had wished to have had a son instead of a daughter but never posed the question. Maybe she was afraid of the answer. Even so, she reveres him and has sacrificed her personal happiness, including her marriage, for Barrington Holdings and for him.
But a threat to her hard-earned succession waits in the shadows ready to take everything she’s worked for away from her.
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August 5, 2015
The Bleaklisted Movies: Sin City
Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
Sin City
What happens?
It’s three stories about three people in a bad city.
Reason for bleaklisting?
Should have been two hours of Mickey Rourke being a full on badass. I want an army of Marvs right here, right now.
What should have happened?
A super tough woman known as Beryl is sent to infiltrate the infamous metropolis known as Really Nice City. On arrival she finds the surrounding walls are so steep the rooftops are only just visible. The only way up appears to be a moveable block that Beryl is able to use as a kind of seesaw to send her hurtling up into the skies and into the city. She manages to get into the filthy place just before a giant, circular roof comes down and traps her and everyone else inside. Beryl begins a series of adventures told across 3.5 stories. Firstly she brings down a drug lord named Lizard Lizzie, then she survives a shootout with the Kamikaze Koalas, before winning a poker game against Knuckle Duster Custer Muster McLuster Buster. On completion of these three challenges, Beryl realises that there is no way out of Really Nice City because it’s actually a giant dustbin. Nice twist there, eh?
Working title?
Bin City.
Tagline?
There is no movie without bin.
Who should direct?
Federico Fellini.
Who should star?
Natalie Portman, Roy Scheider, Judy Garland and Walt Whitman.
Mr B compares the stories
Frank Miller’s Sin City is an action-packed and stylish thriller with one hell of a cast. While I agree with Charlie that Marv is the standout character in the movie, I don’t think his screen time warrants this one being bleaklisted. Charlie has served up a peculiar movie about a tough woman (good to see) fighting some bad people (also good) who happen to be in a city in a bin (the movie kind of prolapses here). The fact that Charlie thinks the city in a bin is a clever twist is somewhat hampered not only by the movie’s mildly suggestive title but also Beryl’s initial entrance into the bin by aid of the pedal that opens it. I’ve never taken drugs but I imagine if I did get high and wrote something random on a piece of paper it would still be more fruitful and coherent than this shambles from the demonic cat.
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July 30, 2015
Six Cats and a Black Dog: The Dangerous Game of Assumptions… #mentalhealth
This year I’m blogging about mental health as part of my Blog For Mental Health pledge. Find out more about Blog for Mental Health here.
There’s surely some middle ground allowed?!
Last week I was indulging myself with a little bit of window shopping when I got collared by a demonstrator. She did that trick where they hold out a sample and when you – distracted but trying not to be rude – try to take it, they hold on and suddenly you’re in a conversation. Non-plussed by still trying not to be rude, I let her show me some beauty product – it obviously made a huge impact because I barely recall it! – until she looked down at my tummy and said, with rock-solid conviction, “Oh, you’re pregnant!”.
I’m not. A UK size 10 at 123 pounds, I’m embracing my summer wardrobe this year, having lost 12 pounds but even before the weight loss, I have never been asked that before. I don’t have a flat tum but nor is it a pronounced bump. I was shell-shocked. So much so that I left the demonstration before she’d finished (quite apologetically too, although I’d much rather have told this with a highfalutin flouncing off to recollect).
A Google search has led me to a slew of articles and shown me I am not alone. In fact, this is a frighteningly common experience, which forces me to conclude one thing: we make far too many assumptions about people. (It also suggests we should never ever voice the “You’re pregnant” assumption!)
Which leads me to my next point. She made assumptions about me based on what she thought she could see, but every day people make assumptions about people with invisible illnesses based on what they don’t see. Since my experience has been with anxiety and depression, I’ll be mostly talking about those but please feel free to share your own experiences in comments.
Just because you cannot see someone’s pain, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Just because someone is smiling, doesn’t mean they aren’t going through their own personal hell.
Just because their problems seem boring to you, doesn’t mean that a) they aren’t overwhelming to someone else or b) there isn’t much more that they’re feeling and are scared to share.
Just because you cannot see someone's pain, doesn't mean it's not there. Click To Tweet
Some assumptions worth clearing up:
1) Depressive people enjoy being sad/playing the victim/being dramatic.
Um, no. Let me refer you to a section from an article I wrote for Terri Giuliano Long’s blog in 2013:
In 13 years of dealing with bouts of depression, my darkest moment is still easy to pinpoint. It was the day I woke up and knew I loved my husband but couldn’t feel it. Strange when you think that so many moments were more dramatic – more dangerous – but this, to me, epitomised everything that this disease can strip you of…
Fabulous feeling, right? They should market it! Why would anyone want to feel like that? Why would we enjoy it? Instead, don’t you think that on top of the many things we feel, there’s a staggering sense of sadness and regret for the pain we’ve caused other people, albeit unwittingly? Not even the worst masochist would enjoy that.
2) Depressive people are just wallowing/self-indulgent/making things worse for themselves sometimes.
How so? Oh, I see! You thought it should be a secret thing? That we should plaster a smile on our faces all the time and always be ‘fine’, even when we’re not? Because, um, that’s healthy.
Let me put this into context: day to day problems are something we can share and talk about because we know our listener will probably identify with them and hopefully not judge us. If we’re listened to on that stuff – not accused of being ‘moaning Minnies’ – we might actually feel brave enough to share some of the bigger stuff, the darker scarier stuff, the stuff you really need to hear. Judge us at the first step and how can we ever feel safe?
When you are depressed you feel alone, and that no one is going through quite what you are going through. You are so scared of appearing in any way mad you internalise everything, and you are so scared that people will alienate you further you clam up and don’t speak about it, which is a shame, as speaking about it helps.
― Matt Haig, Reasons to Stay Alive
I tell my husband pretty much everything about the day to day stuff but even he doesn’t hear all the stuff whirling in my head all the time. Sometimes I might share some terrifying thoughts a month or two after I’ve had a particularly dark day and – ahem – ‘indulged’ in them, sometimes immediately, sometimes not at all. As safe as I feel to talk to him about most things, there’s still a barrier of shame to overcome about some things. Don’t make that barrier higher.
3) Talking doesn’t help, so what’s the point? They should just get on with it.
Ever heard of talking therapies? Check the NHS website and one of the first things they suggest is turning to family and friends. Talking does help. Believe it or not, sometimes talking about something completely unrelated can help too. A listening ear, a sense of empathy, a feeling that the world isn’t quite so daunting – when sometimes even getting through a day seems unsurmountable, these things help.
Want to hear something truly scary?
In a 2001 University of Houston study of 153 survivors of nearly lethal attempts between the ages of 13 and 34, only 13 percent reported having contemplated their act for eight hours or longer. To the contrary, 70 percent set the interval between deciding to kill themselves and acting at less than an hour, including an astonishing 24 percent who pegged the interval at less than five minutes.
― NY Times: The Urge to End It All
I find myself wondering what those people who didn’t survive thought in those eight hours – or that hour, or those five minutes. I wonder if they had felt able to actually say to someone “I feel like that’s enough, I think I’m going to do this”, if it would have been a start to getting help. It might sound the easiest thing in the world to just open your mouth but, if the last time they said ‘I’m struggling to pay the gas bill’ they were met with rolled eyes – not this again – would they really have shared something so deep, so dark? Perhaps even darker, how lonely and desperate did the people who thought about it for months have to be, that they had no one they could tell, that fear of being judged was actually more insurmountable than fear of death? (Yes, fear of death. Read Matt Haig’s Reasons to Stay Alive for a soberingly honest and moving perspective on this and other things.)
It can be a pretty scary and lonely place…
Talk. Listen. Encourage talking. Encourage listening. Keep adding to the conversation. Stay on the lookout for those wanting to join in the conversation. Keep reiterating, again and again, that depression is not something you ‘admit to’, it is not something you have to blush about, it is a human experience.
― Matt Haig, Reasons to Stay Alive
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming the people left behind. Many people with depression could be Oscar winners, we put on such an amazing performance. We have to. If there are days when it seems to take every bit of strength out of you to get up and brush your teeth and yet you still manage to go on and get to work, do the grocery shopping, eat a meal, have conversations – be human – you have to get pretty good at making things look real.
All I’m saying is don’t forget what’s inside and, when someone lets a crack show, leap all over the opportunity to find out what’s below the facade. Be thrilled that they are sharing something, instead of squirrelling it away. Be glad that they are talking, instead of just silently coping (or not, as the case may be).
Most of all, let’s stop making assumptions about what we think we see and what we think we don’t see. Let’s start listening to people and what they actually have to tell us instead.
Most of all, let's stop making assumptions about what we think we see and what we think we don't see.Click To Tweet
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