David M. Brown's Blog, page 6

The Bleaklisted Movies: It’s a Wonderful Life

About The Bleaklisted Movies

Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

 

It’s A Wonderful Life

What happens?

Unhappy guy wants to die but an angel shows him what the town would have been like without him. That was nice of him.

Reason for bleaklisting?

George should grow a pair and man up.

What should have happened?

Gorge is a successful businessman who sees his fortunes plummet when he buys shares in a knife company and sees the stock plummet overnight. Customers find knives disagreeable because all they do is cut things in two whereas forks and spoons have many functions, too many if you’re a bit strange. Gorge contemplates suicide by jumping off a bridge but is visited by a man in green pajamas with purple moon motif who goes by the name of Florence. Florence explains that Gorge must live and that he will show him all the things that happens to the town of Benjie’s Balls if Gorge doesn’t exist. It’s all good actually especially for Gorge’s parents, Fjord and Estuary. Everyone is happy, the town is called Spring Water, businesses thrive but in this reality Florence wears a normal set of pajamas and nothing extravagant. Gorge decides that this won’t do. He chooses to live, Florence gets to wear even more bizarre sets of pajamas with neon lights on his bed socks, while Gorge’s fortunes change. He single-handedly turns the knife industry around by explaining that knives can stab things, spread things, get your bread out of the toaster (switch off at the mains first!) and even be thrown at people when you’re wearing a blindfold. Now a rich man, Gorge decides Benjie’s Balls will now be renamed Ginger’s Lunchbox. This whole charade has been to ensure that Florence can still wear strange pajamas but Gorge doesn’t care.

Working title?

It’s a Wonderful Knife.

Tagline?

The most hated Christmas movie of all time, even more than Jingle All The Way.

Who should direct?

Ron Howard.

Who should star?

Al Pacino and Jar Jar Binks.

Mr B compares the stories

Frank Capra’s cherished classic is approaching its 70th anniversary and in all that time I am sure it has never faced anything so degrading as Charlie’s reimagining. A businessman who loses a fortune due to failing shares in a knife company, people too stupid to realise knives have multiple functions and some random guy named Florence with a pajama fixation. I take in Charlie’s ideas and look for solace, any message of hope but there is nothing, only this profanity making my eyes hurt. Al Pacino is one of the greatest actors Hollywood has ever seen but I couldn’t see him rescuing this Christmas turkey and throwing Jar Jar Binks in there, with brightly coloured pajamas and glow in the dark socks, please just put me out of my misery now. If Charlie had ended the movie with Jar Jar Binks being gunned down by Rambo then I might have been sold but not this, please not this.

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The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #32

Monday

Bank Holiday Monday in the UK. Reasons to celebrate? It’s a day off. That means little to a cat such as myself. I do next to nothing all day but at least on a day like this no one can really complain. Yes, you can call me lazy, self-centred and obsessed with being out in the garden but such observations don’t really impact on me. I’d have to give a shit about what you thought first. The only opinions I value are Frizzy Hair’s and Doughnut Danny over on Fabrication Avenue. He’s what I call “a righteous dude.”

Tuesday

Stayed up late with Beard Face watching the snooker. Great final it was too. The old bald guy beat the younger guy 18-15 in the end. It was gripping stuff. I did have to explain to Beard Face a few aspects of the game such as what the cue was for, why there were so many balls and why they were different colours but other than those small quibbles he was absolutely fine. Further confusion came with the issuing of prize money. The winner collected a cheque for £300,000 which sounded impressive to me but not to the beard. He simply huffed and said the average person couldn’t clean their car for that amount of money. Given that Beard Face doesn’t drive or own a car I’ll just ignore him here! It’s either that or despair at the extortionate rates at car washes these days.

The sun is setting on the football season and Beard Face is preparing for many weeks of suffering without it. Happy days!

Wednesday

Beard Face was watching a documentary today about the decline of games company Atari back in the 1980s. They made a dreadful adaptation of Steven Spielberg’s E.T. and it didn’t go down well with the fans. It was so bad that the games were buried in a landfill and remained undiscovered for decades. Of course, this got me thinking about Beard Face and how awesome it would be if he was put in a landfill, covered in concrete and wasn’t found for many years. In fact, I’d like to be specific here and insist that he only be found long after I have left this world and am dining in Valhalla with Frizzy Hair.

Thursday

It was the General Election today and both Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were out early to vote at the local polling station. Beard Face somehow managed to cast his vote without issue though it was a close thing. He wasn’t sure whether to eat the ballot paper, use it when he next went to the toilet or fold it into a little aeroplane. Frizzy Hair remained composed throughout and immediately denied all knowledge of Beard Face upon arrival at the polling station. Despite the beard’s pleas and declarations of love, the frizz was happy to plead ignorance and even dismissed her incompetent husband with a “talk to the hand” gesture at one point. Fabulous stuff.

Friday

The day after the General Election and Charlie was on the warpath. Despite going without sleep so he could add his name to all the ballot papers, Charlie failed to get a single vote. He sat watching the news this morning with fiery red eyes, purple smoke rising from his ears and froth coming out of his mouth. How could this have all gone so wrong for him? It later turned out that he’d entrusted Buggles with amending the ballot papers. Not the brightest of bulbs, Buggles had tampered with ballet papers instead which were in relation to the General Ballet Selection across the nation. Charlie won a 36% share of the vote from the ballet enthusiasts. Buggles’ hope this would please the feline psychopath were unsurprisingly wrong.

Saturday

Not to be deterred by his failure to win a seat at the General Election, Charlie was on the phone for most of the day trying to advise David Cameron and the Conservatives on how to run the country. Such suggestions included making cat litter orange and green, and ensuring cat food and biscuits are made free of charge. Downing Street were more open to these suggestions than they were to Charlie’s plans of funding a feline army equipped with tuna bazookas and machine guns that double up as scratching posts during peace time. I’m quite happy with the result of the election so long as Mr Cameron can separate reality from the ramblings of a crazed kitty.

Sunday

Beard Face is feeling down again. Barnsley FC’s season ended last weekend and he’s already missing football. There’s no World Cup or European Championship this summer either so times are tough for this certified dimwit. Frizzy Hair suggested the beard take up a new sport like golf, tennis or even getting a spine and pulling yourself together. It was all to no avail though. The beard has been sitting in the corner for days now longing August when he can once again watch men in shorts running around a pitch and fighting over a ball. How sad.

The post The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #32 appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.

Inspire Me Monday: Mrs B’s Origami Adventures #2

On Mondays I’ll be taking part in Inspire Me Monday run by Create With Joy. Why not head on over to the site and see what’s inspiring dozens of amazing and creative bloggers this week?

For years I’ve been intrigued by origami but never got around to taking that interest a step further. Then I saw a book with ten patterns and a stack of origami paper one day and decided to take the plunge. Mrs B’s Origami Adventures will chart my journey from the basic models – along with all the misfolds, creases and questionable ‘symmetry’ – through to my ultimate goal of advanced designs and modular origami polyhedra.

Mrs B’s Origami Adventures: Strawberry

I took a little break from my origami posting due to a crazy time and doing the A-Z Challenge with Mr B. Now I’m back and this week saw some fun challenges. The fox returns in a new style, plus the penguin and a cool strawberry joined the fold. (The fold… get it…? Okay, I apologise. Blame Mr B for that one.)

Origami fox

Origami penguin

Origami strawberry

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8 Hacks for Mother’s Day (For When You Really Wish They Wouldn’t)

Our Mother’s Day has been and gone in the UK, but Mr B and I firmly believe that any day is a good day to celebrate mothers. To celebrate Mother’s Day in the US tomorrow, Collette Yvonne – who previously shared some Valentine’s Day wisdom with us – has returned with her protagonist, Pauline Parrill, to share some Mother’s Day wisdom!

8 Hacks for Mother’s Day (For When You Really Wish They Wouldn’t)
by Pauline Daley-Parril

1. Breakfast in Bed

It’s five minutes past dawn and you hear your kids banging cupboard doors down in the kitchen. Soon there will be syrup and pancake batter dripping from the walls, floors, countertops and overhead fixtures. Worse yet, you are about to be compelled to consume a plateful of cold pancakes that are burnt black on the outside while still remaining uncooked on the inside, all swimming in a bathtub’s worth of syrup.

The Hack: Quick. Hide the syrup. Give them a bag of chocolate chips and a package of paper muffin cups. Ask them to count all the chips into the cups. Tell them you would like a banana and twenty-thirteen chocolate chips for your breakfast. Ask Daddy to supervise. Hurry back to bed.

2. The Card

Did your kids spend all of 47 seconds last week pouring school glue and dropping pieces of macaroni onto a piece of heart-shaped construction paper? Now you have to store that adorable handmade creation at the back of your closet for the rest of eternity with the rest of the collection of Penne necklaces and pasta shell pencil holders, right? That proves you love them right?

The Hack: Feeding them proves you love them too. Boil up a large pot of salted water, drop in the collected works, put your feet up and wait till all the noodles are al dente. Drain, toss in a handful of shredded cheese and voila! An easy mother’s day dinner is served. Don’t forget the paper plates.

3. The Husband With a Poor Sense of Timing

The minute you launch the kids on their way with the bag of chocolate chips, guess who slides back into bed beside you with less-than-minty morning breath and rough unshaven chin? Did he just scrape/nuzzle the back of your neck and offer you a “steamy” Mom’s Day present in the shower?

The Hack. You do want your pillow back right? If you want to unpoke his tongue from your ear fast, tell him he is a sweet boy and then remind him to call his Mom today to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. Point out that an early call might be bad timing as maybe his Dad is also giving his Mom a steamy morning kiss right about now too. Use descriptive adjectives to make sure he gets the picture. Then punch him playfully in the arm and cackle, “Aren’t you just a chip off the old cock?” As he begins to gag a little, mention that you just downed a handful of chocolate chips. Mistake! Aren’t they just ripping right through you! Yell “outta my way,” jump out of bed and hop towards the bathroom with your hands pressed against your backside.

4. The Spa Day

Did you get a gift certificate for a day at the spa? Nope, neither did I. Don’t let that stop you.

The Hack: Of course the answer is to book your worthy self in for the salt scrub flotation cabin, lotus glow massage and mani-pedi with truffles as soon as possible.

5. The Flowers

Every mother loves getting a gift of cut flowers right? Trouble is now you have to clip the stems properly on a 45 ° angle with a sharp florist’s knife, creatively arrange the blooms in a vase like the Pinterest people are watching, and change the slimy water everyday. As if you didn’t have enough to do. The baby is teething and the toddler is trying to flush the cat down the toilet and now you are in charge of freshening up those candy-pink Carnations.

The Hack: Fill a carafe with red wine and let it aerate for five minutes. If the baby is crying very loudly, feel free to skip the breathing step. Carefully arrange the blooms in the empty wine bottle. If you have too many stems, you may open a second bottle.

6. His Mother

There is no known hack for your Mother–in-Law. Deal with it.

7. Your Mother

In all the bustle and fun of enjoying your special day, did you forget to call your own mother to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day? I know. I forgot too. Kill me now.

The Hack: Google images to the rescue. Spice up your apology message with some links. Recommended search terms: “shirtless hot dudes.” “Old Spice Guy + snake.” For a few blessed moments, she will probably forget that she ever had you. Of course you still owe her chocolate.

8. The Hugs and Kisses

Who needs to hack a Mother’s Day kiss and hug? It’s totally the best part. Take all the sweet squeezes and smacks that you can get—even if the chubby fingers are smeared with chocolate chips and the bearer of the lips still needs a shave.

About Collette Yvonne Collette Yvonne has written more than 150 articles published in Ontario’s Dailies. Her short story, Snapshots for Henry, was made into a short film directed by Teresa Hannigan and received a 2007 Genie nomination for Best Live Action Short Drama. More of Yvonne’s short stories, including From the Cottage Porch and Wild Words 2010 appear in published anthologies. She is a graduate of Toronto’s York University with a BA degree in Creative Writing, creating both fiction and non-fiction works. Her latest novel, The Perils of Pauline was published by Astor + Blue Editions in January 2015.

About The Perils of Pauline

Life seems “picture perfect” for Army veteran Pauline Parril–a solid career, a loving (though slightly absent) husband, two adorable young children.  Perfect that is, until the usual Friday meeting at the office ends with a termination letter.

As Pauline navigates the difficulties of unemployment, she finds the handles of her world turning upside down. Her estranged daughter, Serenity, returns home with shocking secrets.  Her husband, Donald, is not at all who she knows him to be, and a handsome stranger opens her eyes to the complex worlds of poetry and temptation.

In this uproarious female comedy of just how one event can change the course of…well everything. The Perils of Pauline follows an intrepid every-woman as she marches through the pressures of building the “perfect life,” finding there’s actually more to discover about yourself than you dreamed, and constantly answering the scariest question of adulthood: “What now?”

Website Amazon B&N Kobo

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The Bleaklisted Movies: Aladdin

About The Bleaklisted Movies

Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

 

Aladdin

What happens?

Some conniving guy uses a ruffian to get hold of a magic lamp. Ruffian, who is in love with a princess, uses the lamp to better himself and maybe win the hand of his beloved. There’s some fighting, a genie and even a magic carpet. All of this happens without anyone smoking some happy stuff either.

Reason for bleaklisting?

The lack of a traffic control system for magic carpets. Someone could get hurt.

What should have happened?

Some evil guy known as Jam Jar is hoping to usurp the King of At the Bar and seeks a magical item known as Jim. Jam Jar enlists the help of a local lad known as Kenneth who is so poor he wears short trousers and a pink cardigan. Kenneth finds Jim in the Cave of Bonkers and discovers it is actually a bottle of Jim Beam from which the spirit of the Lizard King – a.k.a. Jim Morrison – emerges. Jim offers Kenneth three wishes but says he is exempt from asking for alcohol, drugs, women or a rendition of Light My Fire. Kenneth and Jim buddy up to take on Jam Jar. There’s an epic battle in the desert involving go-karts, Kenneth pursues the lovely princess, Janet, who turns out to be a drag queen, and ultimately Jam Jar is defeated when Jim provides a moving rendition of Whiskey Bar. In the tearful conclusion Kenneth offers to release Jim from the Jim Beam bottle but he politely declines, content with his memory as a rock god and poet. Only after this emotional parting of ways does Kenneth realise he didn’t use any of his wishes, not even to get some proper trousers. Idiot.

Working title?

A Lad in Short Trousers.

Tagline?

The story of one boy, one pair of short trousers and a genie in a Jim Beam bottle.

Who should direct?

Hayao Miyazaki.

Who should star?

Or provide the voices in this case. Ewan McGregor, Val Kilmer, John C. McGinley and Thora Birch.

Mr B compares the stories

I never would have expected anyone to link Aladdin to Jim Morrison but what do I know? In the world of Charlie anything goes and it’s seldom pretty. While The Doors’ legendary frontman is always a welcome addition to everyday conversation, I am a tad concerned about him being demeaned here, as a replacement for a genie no less. Anime legend, Hayao Miyazaki, could make an Aladdin movie without breaking sweat but as the maestro has deservedly retired I would urge you to stick with Disney’s 1992 version, especially for the fantastic voice work of the late great Robin Williams.

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Book Review: Post-TV – Michael Strangelove

About Post-TV: Piracy, Cord-Cutting, and the Future of Television

In the late 2000s, television no longer referred to an object to be watched; it had transformed into content to be streamed, downloaded, and shared. Tens of millions of viewers have “cut the cord,” abandoned cable television, tuned into online services like Netflix, Hulu, and YouTube, and also watch pirated movies and programmes at an unprecedented rate. The idea that the Internet will devastate the television and film industry in the same way that it gutted the music industry no longer seems farfetched. The television industry, however, remains driven by outmoded market-based business models that ignore audience behaviour and preferences.

In Post-TV, Michael Strangelove explores the viewing habits and values of the post-television generation, one that finds new ways to exploit technology to find its entertainment for free, rather than for a fee. Challenging the notion that the audience is constrained by regulatory and industrial regimes, Strangelove argues that cord-cutting, digital piracy, increased competition, and new modes of production and distribution are making audiences and content more difficult to control, opening up the possibility of a freer, more democratic, media environment.

A follow-up to the award-winning Watching YouTube, Post-TV is a lively examination of the social and economic implications of a world where people can watch what they want, when they want, wherever they want.

University of Toronto Press Amazon US Amazon UK Goodreads
Review: Post-TV: Piracy, Cord-Cutting, and the Future of Television

We’re a few steps away from the cord-cutting stage here in the Brown house, though we’ve almost tried it a time or two. I lived without live TV for a while a few years ago, only having a TV in the household to watch DVDs. I’m not sure I missed it, though I did go back to it eventually.

When our TV bust a couple of years back we decided to see if we could live without it. And we did, in the sense of the big box in the corner. We watched TV on our laptops or iPad, stopped playing on the consoles for a while (until we eventually sold them) in favour of PC and mobile games. Again, I’m not sure I missed it.

When we moved house, I bought a TV for David. I wasn’t worried about mainstream programming or sticking to a TV schedule, so much as being able to sit together and watch a movie on a bigger screen. By that point, we were avid Netflix watchers, binge watchers of certain series from time to time. We missed our gaming too. Had I missed it? Not noticeably. Was it nice to go back to it? Yes, it was. We’ve changed the way we watch TV, worked out what works for us, something we probably couldn’t have imagined doing a decade ago.

All this to say, I was very interested in the research and concepts behind Post-TV: Piracy, Cord-Cutting and the Future of Television. I thought it would be a fascinating insight into the way we watch TV now and how it is changing. I was right.

Strangelove examines a range of sources from research papers to online forums, from blogs and blog comments to conference speeches, from magazine editorials to white papers. His conclusion is clear: we are taking control of how we watch TV, instead of letting how we watch TV be controlled. From opting to binge watch via Netflix rather than follow a series week on week, to streaming or even pirating rather than sitting at home watching the ‘Gogglebox’, our habits are changing with startling rapidity. Post-TV covers the how and why in pretty remarkable detail.

Published by University of Toronto Press, it likely comes as no surprise that this approaches the subject of changing TV with quite an academic bent. Post-TV isn’t dry and fusty, though, not by any means. Strangelove weaves in enough pop culture and anecdotal accounts to help counterbalance the research papers and staggering statistics.

This is a great read if you’re interested in the changing way we absorb information, access entertainment and, yes, watch TV. Or don’t as the case may be. I’m a long way from the cord-cutting commitment many others have taken, but this book leads me to believe it’s not the far-fetched thing of the future that many (myself included at one time) might expect. If you want to understand the power of the consumer, Post-TV is a great place to start. Maybe the TV networks will even get around to reading this and acting on what the consumer wants, while there’s still time to keep those cords in place…

Verdict: 5/5

Source: Netgalley

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The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #31

Monday

A new week and the hope of better things to come. Beard Face hasn’t started work yet but all this talk of him not being in the house for most of the day is giving me shivers and I don’t mean the eerie kind. It might take some time but gradually myself and the other cats will be able to work our magic and slowly convince Frizzy Hair that life is so much better when it’s just her and us. Seriously, what use is a dimwit of a husband? What possible function could there be? Where Beard Face is concerned there simply is no argument in his favour.

Tuesday

Beard Face started the day watching an episode of Long Way Down where Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman hop on their motorbikes and head from the north of Scotland all the way down to South Africa. As with Long Way Round it made me wish Beard Face would go on a similar expedition. My luck seemed to change when he headed out at midday and didn’t come back. My sheer excitement was beyond measure. I was crestfallen later in the day though when Frizzy Hair, having enjoyed a day without her dipshit of a husband, lamented the fact he’d be home tomorrow. So much for Long Way Down, more like Ridiculously Short Time Away. 

This is a beautiful image. It is in complete contrast to life in my home.

Wednesday

Beard Face returned today and was clearly hungover. While tidying the house he started to freak out about being watched by Huckleberry Finn. Apparently Finn was in the back garden and shouting obscenities at Beard Face. Bizarre. Later on when doing a spot of cooking the lingering inebriation meant the beard mistook cauliflower for rice and some paint for low fat cream. Suffice to say the end product was not only inedible, it was soon confiscated by MI5 who believed it to be for the use of chemical warfare.

Thursday

Another blazing row between Beard Face an Frizzy Hair today. Beard Face was adamant that the colours of the Italian flag were green, white and gold. Frizzy Hair countered that the colours were green, blue and red. They debated this for a solid seven hours with the beard and the Frizz refusing to relent. The colours are actually green, white and red but I wasn’t about to let either of them know that. Instead, I grabbed some cat treats, took a seat and enjoyed the show.

Friday

Frizzy Hair’s turn to get drunk today. Bless her. The old girl has become a big fan of a drink known as Brewdog Punk. It sounds tougher than it actually is. Anyway, the Frizz was slurring her words, hailing Beard Face as the greatest man in history (a clear indication of inebriation!) and she even got to the point where snooker on TV was amusing her. A plethora of “balls” jokes were suggested and they were so bad that even Beard Face started to frown. It became essential to lure the Frizz to bed, not with amorous advances from the beard, but with promises of a Persons of Interest marathon on Netflix. It did the trick and sobriety soon followed. Thank goodness. Not as bad as when beardy is pissed but not far off.

Saturday

Drama all round today. A new Royal baby was born. The tension in the Brown household was incredible. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair went out to avoid the hysteria while Bilbo and Buggles were glued to the television. Bilbo was anxiously watching the hospital doors and windows for news of the baby, while Buggles looked to the skies for any sign of a stork delivering the new child. Eventually the news filtered through that a baby girl had been safely delivered. No word on the name just yet but Buggles and Bilbo are torn between Shirley and Chardonnay. It’s better than Beard Face’s suggestion of “Piss off” and “Leave me alone, you bloody cat!” Thank goodness Beard Face has chosen not to have kids.

Sunday

Beard Face tried to be romantic today. He took Frizzy Hair for a walk to a park he used to go to when he was a kid. On the way he made promises of many exciting things and the Frizz was understandably impressed. Upon reaching said park it turned out next to nothing Beard Face remembered being there actually was, not even the psychedelic merry go round that makes you feel like you’ve become a Smurf and prompts you to sing one of their very catching songs such as “Beer, beer, Smurfing beer” or “Pinocchio.” The rest of the day was spent with Beard Face sulking and lamenting his childhood days, which sound a little depraved if you ask me.

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Introducing bookmarq: Making reading social

The peeps over at bookmarq kindly agreed to answer some of our questions about this new social reading app. Are you using bookmarq? We’d love to know your thoughts!

1. What can you tell us about bookmarq? Why should readers use it?

Bookmarq is a peer-based book discovery platform. Whereas Goodreads aims to connect authors to readers, we focus on connecting readers to other readers. Our goal is to help you find book suggestions from your friends and influencers, not algorithms or advertisements. Readers should use it if they’d like to catalog their books with a beautiful user interface, and have the ability to follow friends, and be followed by others.

2. Design is obviously very important. What key ideas did you have in mind when designing bookmarq?

Design is one of our core values. I came up with the idea for bookmarq when I realized that it was very difficult to connect with my friends over books, or find book suggestions from my influencers. Yet, I could do just that through photos on Instagram, or music through Spotify. I discovered Goodreads soon after, but it was difficult for myself to get to use it. We designed and architected our app to make it easier to connect with friends and influencers. Emphasizing a visual experience, we increased the size of the book covers, and make it easier to navigate through the app.

3.What features does bookmarq have and what are you hoping to implement? Can users import lists from, say, Goodreads?

Yes! Users can import their books from Goodreads when signing up. Because we are still very early stage, we are limiting our features to make sure we “get it right”. Eventually, we plan on creating groups that people can join, and even a way to keep up on your reading habits! There’s a lot coming in the next few months.

Being an early stage startup, your feedback is very important to us. It will literally help shape the product to your liking! If you have any questions, comments, or rants, please feel free to send them our way. You can download the app through our home page.

About bookmarq Book suggestions from your friends and influencers.

Do you ever want to know what books your friends, influencers are reading? Now you can. Create a profile, and log the books that you’ve read, you’re currently reading, and books you want to read in the future! From there, create stacks from books you love, see your friends’ favorite books.

Website Appstore

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A-Z of Cats: Z is for Zebra (#AtoZChallenge)

For this year’s Blogging from A-Z Challenge (#atozchallenge), David and I have decided to focus on cat ownership. We present our very tongue-in-check guide, inspired by life with six cats!

Z is for Zebra

I was a teensy bit sad to finish the A-Z Challenge with a picture that was not actually a cat! But I consoled myself with the fact that I took this particular zebra picture myself, so it does bring back happy memories (particularly as this zebra was not then subsequently attacked by one of the aforementioned vicious beasties). Thank you for joining us on the A-Z Challenge!

The full A-Z will also be shared on Pinterest:

Follow Donna Brown’s board Blogging from A-Z Challenge on Pinterest.

Rest of the Blogging from A-Z Challenge

Click here to view the rest of the Blogging from A-Z participants!

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Book Excerpt: A Fate Worse Than Death – Jonathan Gould

I stood and was about to grab my hat and coat when there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a woman stepped in. Suddenly, my dimly-lit office was bathed in a surreal glow. A glow that, of course, emanated directly from my newly-arrived visitor. It was the third angel, Jessie.

She had medium-length, reddish-brown hair that descended in waves over a pale, slightly freckled face. Her eyes were soft brown, but her mouth was pulled into a tight frown. The robe she wore was long, its bottom swishing against her feet. Unlike at least one of her fellow angels, she clearly subscribed to the virtues of modesty, though as far as I could tell from the outline through the robe, she had nothing to be modest about. All in all, she cut a highly appealing figure. Not stop-you-in-your-tracks, knock-you-down-in-the-street, and rip-your-eyes-out-of-their-sockets attractive like Sally, but highly appealing nonetheless.

I showed her to a seat and went back to my desk. As she sat arranging her robe about herself, I quickly adjusted the Venetian blinds I’d just hung over the windows, attempting to restore the office to its previous state of gloom. Presently, she spoke.

“I just wanted to say how sorry I am, Mr Clarenden.” Her voice was soft. I had to strain my ears to catch it.

I said, “I can’t accept your apology.”

“Why ever not?”

“Because, to my knowledge, you haven’t done anything you need to apologise for.”

She looked down for a moment.

“Or are you apologising in advance, for something you’re about to do?” I continued.

She looked up again. Then she smiled. Just a small smile, for a fraction of a second, but it made a difference.

“I’m not apologising for anything I did,” she said. “I’m apologising for the way Sally treated you yesterday. It wasn’t right or fair.”

“You don’t have to worry about that—it was all my fault. I didn’t realise I’m supposed to be nice to her.”

“You’re a kidder,” she said. “But you don’t understand what you’re saying. You don’t really know Sally.”

“Are you going to tell me more about her?”

“I’m going to tell you to be very careful of her.”

“I’ve already learnt to be careful of her. She could skin a man alive with that tongue of hers, and as for those legs—”

“You think it’s a joke.” Jessie was staring at me with her head held high, but underneath the bravado, I could see how tightly her hands were clenched, and the slight tremble in her shoulders. There was no doubt this was an angel who was terrified of something. Or of someone.

“I don’t think anything is a joke,” I said. “When anyone warns me about someone, I listen. But I also wonder about the real purpose of the warning. Is there any reason I should be as frightened of her as you seem to be?”

Jessie looked away. Her eyes scanned the room, eventually alighting on the large picture frame I’d placed in the middle of the desk, from which the face of a young woman gazed out wistfully.

“Who is she?” she asked.

The change of subject took me by surprise. “She was my wife.”

“She’s very pretty. She must be missing you.”

“I doubt that very much. She left me for a smooth-talking shoe salesman many years ago.”

“A shoe salesman?”

“That’s right. She said she could never love a man with fallen arches.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to open up old wounds.”

“There are no wounds to open. A man in my business has to take the bad with the bad. But you didn’t come here to chat about my personal tragedies. And I don’t think you came here just to warn me about Sally. So what’s the real story? What do you want from me?”

She tore her eyes from the photo. “I don’t really know how to say this.”

“Words usually work for me.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Fending off that question from pretty much everyone I meet.”

“And how long do you plan to keep fending it off?”

“Until you people stop asking and finally leave me in peace.”

“Do you take us for fools, Mr Clarenden?”

“Call me Jimmy, and I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about.”

“You really think you can tell us that you’ve just died and gone to Heaven. Come off it, Jimmy. Anyone who looks at you can see you’re not Heaven material. You’re here for some other reason.”

I shrugged. “So maybe I am.”

Her eyes widened. “So you admit you are?”

“I admit nothing. I’d just like to know why it’s such a concern of yours.”

“It’s no concern. I just thought I might be able to help you, that’s all.”

I laughed. “You really want to help me? You’re a saint.”

“Actually, I’m an angel.”

“Okay, Angel, if you really want to help me . . . ” She angled her head towards me. “ . . . Tell me where in this God-forsaken place I can have some fun.”

Back went the head. “What do you mean, fun?”

“You see, that’s the problem. Nobody here seems to have any conception of how to have fun.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I know what I’m saying all right. Heaven is a morgue. I could have more fun in an old person’s home. I haven’t even been here a day and I’m already sick of it.”

“Don’t talk like that.” Jessie was on her feet, crying out with surprising violence. Her eyes were filled with tears and her lower lip was quivering.

“Angel, take it easy.”

“You’ve barely been in Heaven a day and you think you know what it’s all about. Well you’re wrong. Heaven is a place where people are happy. It’s a beautiful place, a blessed place. If you can’t see that, then you definitely shouldn’t be here.”

“I’m sorry,” I said quickly. “I’m sure you know far more about these things than I do.”

“Don’t play with me.”

“I’m not playing. This whole business is deadly serious, as far as I’m concerned.”

She looked at me. I looked at her. Nothing moved in my tiny office, save for the slow rotation of the ceiling fan I’d recently installed. Finally, she sat down.

“I’m sorry if that seemed a bit overdramatic,” she said as she went through the whole robe arranging thing again. “It’s just that I care a lot about this place. Maybe in time you will too. Anyway, as I said before, if there’s anything I can do to assist . . . ” As she finished with the robe, she leant forward, listening intently. Too intently.

I said, “You want to help me and I’m a three-legged ostrich.”

She rocked back. “Excuse me—”

“No, you excuse me. I think I’ve figured out what’s going on here. You want something from me, but it’s not something you can just come out and ask for. So instead, you come here with these apologies and warnings and offers to help, hoping that what you want will slip out of my mouth without me knowing it. You’re waiting for me to give you a sign. What sort of sign, Angel? What do you need me to tell you?”

“I think I’d better go.” She stood up again and began walking towards the door. I called after her.

“Is it something to do with Sally? Can you at least tell me that much?”

She stopped and turned back to me.

“Remember, my offer to help still stands. Anything you want, just ask.”

There was something she could do for me all right. “Angel, if you can scare me up a bottle of whisky, I’ll be your friend for life.”

But she’d already walked out of the office, leaving the door open behind her. I peeked through the Venetians and watched her exit the building and disappear down the street.

About A Fate Worse Than Death Jimmy Clarenden’s last case didn’t end well. Cut down in a hail of bullets, he’s now found himself at the Pearly Gates. Jimmy is no saint, so he’s stunned to learn he’s been summoned by God to take on a highly sensitive job. God’s son (the other one) has gone missing and it’s up to Jimmy to crack the case.

His investigations lead him to an unlikely cast of suspects — femme fatale angels, jaundiced journalists, even the heavenly gatekeeper, St Peter. But what Jimmy uncovers is enough to shake the foundation of Heaven and Hell.

Amazon
Jonathan Gould Jonathan Gould has lived in Melbourne, Australia all his life, except when he hasn’t. He never deliberately set out to be funny. For a while, he actually tried to be serious, but that only made people laugh more. So he decided he might as well go with the flow.

He has written numerous comedy sketches, as well as a couple of attempts at the great Australian sitcom, and his short stories and novellas have been nominated in several writing competitions, including the Goodreads Choice Awards.

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