Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 27

The Candida Diaries: Pre-Day

I saw this on mindbodygreen.com after talking to my doctor and was like, "Yes, universe. Thanks for this. I know you put this out there just for me…"

After receiving my diagnosis, I did a sort of internet swan-dive into the world of candida overgrowth and diet. While there's some good information out there (which I will be sharing with you more later), I began to realize that, unlike with gluten-free stuff, there really aren't that many personal websites or accounts when it comes to dealing with candida overgrowth in adults…and there definitely weren't any cute, "Hey, this could be FUN!" how-to sites like this one. 

So I kind of decided on a whim that I would blog about it. Mostly because I'm so new to it, and so this will be a fun place for me to collect and share different information. And also because…while it sounds like it's going to totally suck, the diet doesn't scare me as much as the thought that I might be able to stick to it on my own. This blog is personal, and if I can't use that "personal" tag as a built-in way to journal the day-to-day in hopes that it will lead me toward better wellness - no matter how hard - then…well, then nothing. It's mah blog, and so I'm doin' it.

I sat down with my doctor over the phone and we talked about the different options for me when it came to tackling the Candida thing up front. I had a lot of questions due to a lot of different information out there…some "experts" state that you should just do low sugar and low carb, and your body will take care of the rest. Others say that you should cut out sugar, but you can still have chocolate, and that you can have two pieces of fruit a day, but stay away from fruit juices, and yogurt is okay, but stay away from other dairy. Even in my limited knowledge of candida, that information didn't make sense to me (besides the fact that it's confusing). If one of the things that feeds candida is sugar, why would you still be able to have fruit? Even if it's full of natural sugar, it's still sugar, and the resounding thing about candida is that sugar feeds it. Wouldn't that slow down or sabotage your progress?   

Anyway. Since my candida overgrowth appears to be severe, my doctor advised that it's best not to play around. She gave me a list of do's and don'ts (much like the one she told me about when I got tested), and then pointed me to a most excellent resource called The Candida Diet, designed by Lisa Richards (The Candida Cure is also supposed to be good, but I haven't checked that one out at length yet). I was happy to see that Richards' guideline appeared - if not so easy to do - then at least simple to follow. 

The other really great news? Once I get past the initial detox / sugar withdrawal, and if I seem to do well on the first few weeks of the diet, I can probably add coffee back in! "But only if it's coffee that hasn't been sitting on a shelf somewhere for weeks," my doctor warned, "and I would get the darker kinds since it's harder for mold to survive a longer roasting process."

"Lady, you're speaking the language of love to me right now," I replied, and felt thankful for the 500,000th time that I live in an area with two absolutely rad roasteries. 

But that brings me to my next bit:

Since I already have to strike off #1 on The Fuck It List, I'm going to strike #7 off, too…but for a couple of really good reasons. First, I'm looking at it as purely data…if I'm doing this whole candida diet thing, I want to make sure it's working, and the weight scale provides a form of data for measuring that (especially when I get to the point where I can safely start adding foods back in). However, in my still firmly-held quest to not let the number on that scale define who I am or how I feel about myself, I'll be sharing that number with you guys on here in my Candida Diaries. The only reason why I would share everything else except that is if I were ashamed of that number…and I'm not going to let myself be. Today's number registered at the biggest I've clocked in at in 11 years. And that sucks, but the challenge is to look at it as merely a starting point, so that's exactly how I'm going to look at it. It's also refined motivation…(with the exception of the week of Christmas, because Mom and waiting all year for certain bake-stuff) I typically eat really well and super clean, and I have a solid regimen of weights, yoga, and daily physical activity, so I know that number should not be that number…unless something else is going wrong. 

So. Hoping this is it, and this is the answer. 

So anyway! Welcome to The Candida Diaries. Maybe soon I'll be able to welcome you here with some cute, bright, poppy photos of me playfully licking ghee off my fingers or something like Tenley here. 

It's dreams, my friends. It's the dreams that keeps us going. 


Pre-Day


Weighed in at: 213. 
I decided to give myself a pre-day to clean out my kitchen, stock up on anything I might need...maybe enjoy a rice milk/ half & half latte or two with the assorted 1 LB coffee bags I still hadn’t tried yet…you know. Pace myself. Prepare. 

Cleaning out my entire kitchen, I threw out or packed away flour, white sugar*, brown sugar*, wheat products, baking powder, coffee products, vegetable oil, salad dressings, dairy products, and basically anything containing corn, yeast, sugar, black/green tea, or vinegar (except apple vinegar). Even stuff that I don't usually touch, like honey or jam, got packed into a "Hey, you want this?" box for my culinary-endeavored friends. I knew that, even if I didn't usually want that stuff, a sugar withdrawal can make a person do crazy things, and I didn't want anything within my reach that could help sabotage my efforts during any late-night, sugar-withdrawal-induced manic episodes. 


Fucking goodbye, sugar shiz! I hope you always change and never reach your dreams! The only things left in my cupboards and fridge were spices, extra virgin olive oil, ghee, coconut oil, flax, chia seeds, salad mix (kale, spinach, and romaine…it always sounds so good when you buy it, and then you eat it and it's like, why), some lean chicken, local sourced fish, green peppers, an onion, a carton of eggs, bell tomatoes, and black olives. 

Definitely not shabby, but not WHOA, SO MANY GREAT EATS, either. 
Before throwing it out, I let myself have one last half breve/half rice milk latte. 


It was so beautiful, while it lasted...OMG YOU GUYS IT WAS SO GOOD. I can honestly say that I will never take the ability to drink coffee for granted ever again. 

And also, because I hate wasting stuff, I decided to do a couple of fun things with the white and brown sugar I had in my pantry before I packed it away for my baker friends. 


*****What To Do With All That Sugar You Can No Longer Eat!

Pumpkin Pie Scrub
treehugger.com1 cup of brown sugar1/2 cup coconut oil
1/2 tsp vitamin E oil
1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spices (or just 1/2 tsp cinnamon)
(this tends to get a bit dry after a while…I've found that it's helpful to add some baby oil to the mix after a few days to add some extra moisture to both the scrub and your skin)
Banana Sugar Scrub

Take a banana. Add 3 tablespoons granulated sugar and ¼ teaspoon pure vanilla extract or another favorite essential oil.  Mash it all up until it's chunky. You know what to do next. 
*****Note: After drinking half-breve-half-rice milk lattes all day, I was sleepy by 8:12 p.m. I also felt crabby and irritable and my brain felt foggy and sluggish…like, I was having a hard time typing out a sentence without a billion spelling mistakes type-sluggish. 

So that was interesting...

Turning in early wasn't such a bad thing, though, as I knew from past experiences that plenty of rest can be crucial to help your body through a detox. So off to bed I went, to dream of Christian Bale serving me a perfectly-pulled espresso in bed…

-------------------------
Catch up, half-pint: 

Candida overgrowth, which (not to be dramatic) is pretty much the worst thing ever

Candida overgrowth, which (not to be dramatic) is pretty much the worst thing ever.

Goodbye, sweet loves. It was just supposed to be a regular, annual physical exam. 

In my quest to love my body more, I was also making a point of taking better care of it. I figured a good benchmark of that was getting a routine physical at the beginning of the year: The kind where you walk in, submit yourself to some questions about your health and lifestyle, maybe endure some minor poking around on the ol' bod, and then you get to walk out an hour later, feeling like the empowered, confident, "I take care of MYSELF!" woman from the Salon Selectives commercials of my youth. Quick. Easy. Feeling better leaving than you did going in. 

There's a dirty joke somewhere in that last line. 
Anyway! Sitting around with my doctor, we were talking about some minor issues I was experiencing...sluggish metabolism, inflammatory responses to certain foods and drinks, a resurgence of ol' dizziness, weird stomach pains, some digestive issues, this weird mild depression that comes and goes depending on what I eat, and most recently, waking up congested, which had never been a problem for me before. I told her I suspected I might be developing an intolerance to gluten, but that I was ignoring it because I loved beer (I could still drink one full pint with no issues...it was the second pint where my body seemed to swell up like Violet Beauregardein in Willy Wonka and I would begin to as if I were coming down with a cold). I stayed away from most carbs on my own, anyway, and besides, I also seemed to have an inflammatory response when I had too much yeast or dairy. Last year I had done this thing called The Plan , I told her, where you do this 3-day cleanse to baseline your body and then you “test” certain foods to see what you might have an inflammatory response to. I had found it incredibly challenging but also fascinating, and discovered that I had a severe reaction to cabernet, malbec, and pinot noir, and then whenever I paired any red wine with chocolate.

I should have just kept my big dumb mouth shut. 
“Hmm. Sounds like it’s more yeast than gluten. You've heard of leaky gut syndrome?”
Fuck. “Yeah. I worked with children with autism for almost a decade, so I’m fairly familiar with the term, but all I really remember about it is how hard it is to have it.” HAHAHAHA! Please don’t let me have it.
She told me that candida albicans is a form of fungus (gross!) that also grows as a yeast. A very small amount of it lives in your mouth and intestines, and its primary job is to aid with digestion and nutrient absorption. Typically, the good bacteria in your gut usually keeps your candida levels in check. However, certain things - like processed sugar and refined carbs, lots of alcohol, high stress, or even stuff like taking oral contraceptives, eating too many fermented foods like Kombucha and saurkraut, or getting too many rounds of antibiotics - can make the candida freak out. Then, like a total freaking jerk, it starts to break down the wall of the intestine and penetrate the bloodstream, releasing toxic shiz into your body and causing leaky gut, which leads to inflammatory issues and a myriad of health problems....kind of like everything I mentioned above. 
Mah doctah then shared that candida overgrowth is kind of like gluten allergies of five years ago...it’s still not super common to hear about it, most people don’t even know they have it (or it gets misdiagnosed as a gluten allergy…HAHAHAHA! Those people are kind of lucky) and a lot of doctors still typically only associate it with kids on the autism spectrum. But apparently there’s a recent study that showed that one in three people probably have it (which, kind of like the surge in most food-related allergies, makes some sense due to people like me and my peers who have spent the majority of our lives eating processed and refined foods) and there's finally some really good information out there about it and how to treat it. 

“Like what? What would I need to do to get rid of it?”
Oh, barely nothing, you guys! I only have to abstain from carbs AND sugar, dairy AND fruit, alcohol AND coffee, green AND black tea for maybe six months OR MY ENTIRE LIFE, depending on how those things affect me after the candida overgrowth is conquered and my gut is healed. Such a BREEZE! Oh, and I’d have to figure out how probiotics work, too, and maybe go on a prescription to treat fungal infections (gross x a billion), and just basically change my entire life by stripping it of anything that brings me joy. 
So anyway. 
We did a couple of tests. “Results could take 1 to 10 days, depending on how busy the lab is, okay?”“Great.” Take your time, I wanted to add, ‘Cause I want as much time as possible to say goodbye to all the things I love, first. 
*****
After my doctor’s appointment, I went over to my friend Jen’s house for our weekly viewing of The Bachelor. I told her about the test for candida overgrowth and what testing positive for it might mean. 
“It means no carbs, no sugar, no alcohol, no dairy, no fruit, no coffee, and not even black or green tea,” I told her, sitting down on the chair in her kitchen.“Oh my GOD!” Jen shrieked, walking to her kitchen cupboard to fetch a couple of wine glasses. “So basically no fun. But you can break it occasionally, right? I mean for like special occasions?”
“Nope. You have to heal the gut before you add any of those things back in, which can take up to six months, and even then most people have to do low carb and low sugar diets.” “And seriously no coffee?” “Right?! That's what I said! But no, because it's a fungal thing and I can't have anything that could carry or contain mold, so things like cheese and coffee are out." 
Shaking her head in disbelief, Jen poured a glass of white.  “Jen, what am I going to do?" I began to whine. "No wine or cake even on my birthday?! And I don’t even like dating people who don’t drink, much less being one.”“Oh my god, I totally know what you mean. I even dated a guy who didn’t drink coffee and I was like, “Um, this doesn’t work for me.” “Right? Coffee and wine are two of the greatest joys in life!”She laughed and handed me a glass of wine. “So do you think you have it?” I took a sip and rolled my eyes to myself. Feeling resigned, I told her, “Yeah, actually, I kind of do. Even though it would totally suck and ruin my life to test positive for it, it really would answer a lot of questions.”“Like what?”“Like why I can’t seem to lose any weight unless I cut out all carbs and sugar, or why I have an immediate reaction to stuff like cabernet and beer, or why I've been dealing with all these other little health problems that don't seem to have any one answer except for this one."
"Yeah," Jen said, sitting down on the chair across from me. "It would probably be nice to finally have an answer to all that stuff."
"And a plan of attack."
"Right." She poured a glass of wine for herself. "So when will you find out if you have it?"
"Not for a few days," I replied, then smiled brightly at her. "Which is also why I brought chocolate tonight." 

We had white wine, Jen's famous homemade mini thin-crust pizzas (omgtheyresogood), and dark chocolate while watching The Bachelor...and I started feeling this familiar taste at the back of my mouth, along with a roiling feeling at the bottom of my gut. Like, not sick sick per say...it reminds me of drinking a big glass of milk right before bed and waking up with that certain sort of taste in your mouth. And I only feel that way when I pair wine with chocolate or cheese or bread, I suddenly found myself thinking. Fuck.

Later that night, after coming home and getting ready for bed, I started to think that it might not be that bad. That night obviously serving as an exception, I usually eat really well...pretty freaking clean, in fact. And if I tested positive and went on the candida diet and it helped with my lack of focus and that weird, occasional funk and brain fog I struggled with - not to mention the extra weight around my gut that wouldn’t seem to go away, no matter how clean I ate - then maybe it would actually end up being a good thing. Maybe I could totally do this. 
*****
I so do not want to do this, I thought to myself upon waking the next morning. 
“Now I look back and think that I was super lucky when I still thought that Atkins was the solution, because at least on that you can have cheese, cream, and coffee...” I wrote to my best friend Katy in an email. “The alcohol thing is honestly not that big of a deal...I barely drink anymore, anyway, save for the occasional night out with Lacy or a glass or two at Jen's on Monday nights, but it’s more the fact that now I can't do it at all, you know?"
The coffee and the fruit were, quite frankly, the things that bothered me the most. I've given up sugar, carbs, and dairy before in quests for better health, and while each of those times were definitely a trip to sucktown, I already knew how to navigate myself down those streets. But I've also been able to do that thanks to knowing that I could still turn to coffee to get me through a hard day. It's a joy for me, that first cup in the morning. And I love fruit…pairing grapes and almonds in the morning is one of my all-time favorite breakfasts. It makes me feel like a better person just to buy fruit.

But even I can only whine so much, so I spent the rest of the day drinking coffee (because I could) and researching this whole candida thing. I found that there was a lot more information on it than I expected, and the more I read about the causes and the symptoms, the more I started to feel pretty deeply that I was going to test positive for it (the only symptoms that *didn't* match were any type of infections or autoimmune diseases).

Also, please, please take my word for it: You do not want to Google Image this thing. Not even out of curiosity, not even for research. SAVE YOURSELF THE HORROR AND DON'T FUCKING DO IT.

The information about treating it was the confusing bit. A lot of information out there directly contradicts other sources, and my doctor wasn't far off the mark when she said that not many doctors know much about it yet - tons of people reported not being taken seriously when they came to their doctors about candida overgrowth, or they report being misdiagnosed for tons of different things, mostly gluten-intolerance (which can help clean up a lot of the symptoms, but doesn't address the issues with yeast and leaky gut). 

Regardless, I was starting to see that even if I didn't test positive for candida or gluten intolerance, there was still a lot of stuff in my diet that I could and should probably cut out in a quest for better wellness. 

(I still really wanted to keep the coffee, though. And the occasional glass of wine). 

As if right on cue, I got the lab results back in the middle of the afternoon. On every test we did, the results were positive for candida overgrowth. 

So it looks like this whole #BodyLove adventure is now taking a whole new direction!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT.

Episode 2 Recap of The Bachelor: You Juan a Little Juan-on-Juan Time?

This week on De BACH-A-LORE: Juan Pablo Has a Daughter, we watch one of the most boring dates ever, the girls pair up with some adorable bitches for a good cause, we get the crazy that we've waited almost no time for, and more girls go home.

Ready? Consider the line break your honorary Bachelor bottle of champagne and pop that goddamn cork...

Today is the day for the first Juan-on-Juan date. Clare has the first date rose, which she apparently received during the episode I half-watched on Sunday. She's excited! OMG! Yawn.  

Juan pulls up in front of the Bachelor Mansion in some car (I don't know cars. Nor do I care?) and walks into the living room, looks hot. He brings Clare outside and puts a blindfold on her. Their date is a surprise! Elise CANNOT BELIEVE that he put a blindfold on her. "That was CRAZY!"

Elise might be kind of a dumb-dumb. 

Clare tells us that Juan Pablo smells….like heaven?…in a BOTTLE. Seriously: That's exactly how she talks…like the longest?…pauses EVER. 

Juan tells us that the reason why he picked Clare for the first date is because he remembers her as being "very happy, clever, easy-going." He canno’ waaaaait to see her reaction! "It’s goin' to be a graaaate night."

They arrive at a "Winter Wonderland", or as the rest of the world calls it, Minnesota and Wisconsin. There's fake snow and a mini-ice rink, and Clare skates backwards with Juan Pablo. She falls a lot. Clare is also a really slow talker who takes a lot of pauses and gives us the slowest, most detailed, BORING rundown ever in the entire freaking history of The Bachelor. 



[Actual recap note] Clare, shut up. 

Hot tub, she keeps gushing over and over about him. She’s got big boobs, though, so that’s cool. She wants to let her guard down, because she feels if Juan Pablo is going to get to know her, he has to know some of her story. HELLO, ASHLEE. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. So Clare decides that the hot tub is the perfect place to talk about her dead dad, and there was something about a necklace, which Juan Pablo pretended to be interested in but was really just using it as an excuse to look at her bodacious rack (seriously, she's got a good one. Is it just me, or are most of the emotionally raw and slightly-psycho chicks on The Bachelor also the ones with the best bazangas?)

JP ends up giving her the date rose and then they suck face. She’s kind of a ferocious kissser. “It stirs it up inside me," she says, super slowly and boringly. Pretty sure it stirs something up in JP, too, Clare…

"Just hold still, for just a second…yeah...just…like…that…"Music plays! Whaddya know, another musician none of us have ever heard of! JP and Clare run from the hot tube to the stage...in the snow...in their swimsuits...and then slow dance...in their swimsuits. UGH. “I don’t know where the snow is coming from, but it’s snowing!” says Clare. "I want a relationship, like, what my parents had. I know it exists and...I want it. I can only hope...tonight...is literally the tip of the iceberg for this journey."

The tip of the iceberg…HAHAHAHAHAHA. She's talking a tip of the iceberg when she's slow dancing with Juan Pablo in the snow. HAHAHAHAHAHA. 

Anyway, the date's super boring and I now hate Clare. 

Back at the Bachelor Mansion: 

Lucy is topless in the hot tub, and Renee wins 500 bonus points for telling us that she kind of knew it was only a matter of time until those boobs came out. Lucy is talking some nonsense about not even wanting a Juan-on-Juan date yet, and we get the sense that she's not so much here for Juan Pablo as she is for chances to take her top off on camera. 

Date card! Kat gets the Juan-on-Juan date card: "I can FEEL the electricity," it says. Cue senseless wondering about what it all means. OH MY GOD I AM SO BORED WITH THIS SHOW ALREADY.

Juanna do the Electric Boogaloo?



Juan Pablo and Kat arrive at a private jet for their date. Kat is wearing too much blush and talking some nonsense about how she could totally get used to this in the future with Juan Pablo. : "You know, flying off on a private jet with my latin lover." First of all: Ew. Second of all: HE DOESNT HAVE HIS OWN PRIVATE PLANE, KAT. IT’S CALLED A TV SHOW BUDGET.

Their date ends up being the Electric Run in Salt Lake City, and "it doesn't start until we start it." The Electric Run is basically a rave, but instead of getting to take drugs, you get to run a 5K! Which is EXACTLY what I would want to do on a first date with someone, especially on a TV show - run a 5K. 

The good news is that there's a big dance thing at the end of it, and we get to see Juan Pablo and Kat do some dancing. They're both really great dancers, actually…especially Juan Pablo. Watching him dance is suuuuuuuper hot. He gives Kat the date rose. Woot. 

Jus' a bunch'a bitches!
abc.comGroup date card comes! "Say CHEESE." OH MY GOD WHAT COULD IT MEAN?!?!?!

Lucy is already planning on getting Juan Pablo's attention with her boobs. Victoria is already pulling the “he’s my my man and all these girls are trying to date him” card. Snore. 

The date is a photo shoot! WHAT A SHOCKER. 

And there's PUPPIES!!!!! Models & Mutts apparently do sexy photo shoots to help raise money for dog adoptions, and for their group date, the bachelorettes get to pose with Juan Pablo and a puppy of their choice. Their outfits and makeup will also be designed around that puppy of their choice, but the girls aren't told that until *after* they pick their puppies.  

Which basically means that all the girls make Heee-LAR-ious jokes about being "surrounded by bitches, tee her!", and that Kelly gets to look like an alien giraffe, 
abc.comElise has to wear two boards, and Lucy has to wear a fire hydrant. However, most of the girls are surprisingly devoid of vanity. The only one that I really hear - at first - complaining about their costume is Elise and Andi, the girls who have to wear the boards. Andi makes a good point in that she sends people to jail every day for a living, and thus is not really comfortable being naked on national television. Elise gets the idea that everyone else in America was thinking and asks Lucy to switch costumes with her. Lucy not only agrees to switch costumes, but she also decides to walk down the street totally naked while she "walked her dog." 



Bet a lot of other people on that street saw that and wanted to walk their dogs, too...

Cassandra, Renee, and Nikki luck out by having really get outfits, and their photo shoots with JP are actually pretty steamy. Howevs, Andi is still freaking out about the outfit she has to wear, and JP finds her to tell her that it will be okay. It's actually pretty cute, the way he consoles her and tells her that they'll be doing it together. Those two have really good chemistry - like they're super natural and already comfortable together. I'm kind of starting to dig Andi as one of my favorites. 

So the nekkid photo shoot begins, and Andi, Juan Pablo, and Lucy are standing there, almost bucked nekkid (photos have since revealed that they were wearing flesh colored bikini bottoms). Lucy just stands there, like, "What up, here's my boobs" and JP jokes about it to Andi, like, "OMG, would ya LOOK at this chick? Just standin' there, with her bubbies just bouncin' around with everyone and their motha to see." 

That might have been more of a Jersey accent than a latin one. Oh well. 

The photo shoot goes well - Andi looks absolutely stunning and is like, "yeah, naked! It's not so bad, when you're with JUAN PABLO." The End. 

The "Hymen Maneuver, Otherwise Known As a Psychotic Break
rageagainsttheminivan.comEvenin' date time! 

A ROSE IS AT STAKE. 

And of course there's a pool and a hot tub. They're all dressed up and at a fitness club! Someone even reads off the name of the club and someone's like, "Ooooh" all sarcastic-like. 

Or maybe that sarcasm was just in my mind, because seriously, Bach producers? You make the girls get dressed up to hang out on the patio of a FITNESS CLUB?! C'mon! 

So Cassandra decides that some time with Juan Pablo might be a good time to tell him about her son. 

Wait. WHAT?

Cassandra has a son! And none of us knew about it, because apparently this is one girl who knows how to (somewhat) pace herself when blabbing about her personal life. So she and Juan Pablo go and talk alone, and she tells him about how she calls her mom ten times a day and that she has a son. JP is surprised by this news, but like…happy surprised? It was sweet. Her son is named Trey and he's two years old. Cassandra was excited to tell him when she felt like they finally had time to talk, and even though I still think she's kind of an airhead, I have to admit that she's totally smart for doing that instead of just dropping it on him within the first five minutes of meeting him (no offense, Renee). 

Victoria, meanwhile, is getting haaaaaaammmmmeerrrrrred. Nikki notices, and gently and quietly tells her, “I think everyone thinks that you’re a little too hammered and cray right now." Victoria slurs, "I haven't even had, like, ONE full glassss of champagne. Thissss isss how I am ssssober. I’m jussss' fun and sober."

Then she tells us, "If Juan Pablo happens to be mine, I’m going to straddle him EVERY DAY. That’s what life is about...straddling people. And things."

“I appreciate the input, though,” Victoria tells Nikki later, which is what we all say when we're super drunk and someone tells us something we don't want to hear.  

So Nikki goes off to have some time with JP, and Victoria is having a champagne-induced seizure/dance-off in the hot tub by herself. "Today I gave him the hymen maneuver. I think I should get a rose for that. If you do the hymen maneuver and you save him...That's what you do, when your'e a lifeguard! You save them with the hymen maneuver." She’s so freaking drunk and crazy that she sounds like Arnold Swartzenegger when she yells out for Juan Pablo: "Les go to mah hot tub!" Kelly, meanwhile, is gleeful. [Victoria's behavior] “Makes me look better."

I'm kind of starting to get the feeling that Kelly's a small-dog toting biznatch. 

Nikki and JP are together, having their Juan-on-Juan time, and Victoria suddenly shows up, swaying towards them and yawning. She walks up and then…just turns around and walks away. "Ayyyyy poor Victoooooria," Juan Pablo says, as they watch her run off. Victoria runs off toward the bathroom. Renee goes to find her, hears Victoria crying in a stall, and crawls underneath the locked stall to talk to her (Renee is a good woman. I'm starting to really like that girl). Victoria is sobbing and yelling and crying at Renee, and then all of a sudden starts yelling, "I’m done, I’m going home, I’m done." Victoria runs out of the bathroom and starts yelling at producers to send her home, she doesn't give a shit, she's going into an elevator and she's going down, she's going home. Producer Elan stops her and tries to talk her down, telling her he can't let her go home without her shoes, that he has to get her a cab and a flight out first. Victoria continues to freak out, yelling "FUCK Juan Pablo" and all this other shiz. Elan continues to tell her that for her safety, he can't just let her leave. She runs away and back to tthe bathroom. 

Can anyone say psychotic break?

Lucy interrupes JP’s time with some other blonde and tells him that Victoria is not doing well. JP wants to make sure that Victoria is doing okay, so he goes into the bathroom and tries to talk to Victoria. She's sobbing in the stall once again, and won't answer JP, except when he asks her at once point if she can talk to him for a minute and she screams, "NO! NO!"

So he gives up, goes back to the girls, and gives the rose to Kelly for putting up with looking like an alien giraffe for the photo shoot. I've decided that I don't really like Kelly. She strikes me as an underground Courtney: Kind of snooty in a really backhanded way. Anyway, JP asks the girls to make sure that Victoria gets home safe so he can come tomorrow and talk to her (a.k.a., send her home). 

Sorry About Going Totally Psycho Last Night! 

The next morning, the girls are sitting around the house, talking about what happened with Victoria. Apparently she's not there - the producers took her to a hotel, and the girls haven't seen her since the night before. Also: Nikki has a SUPER slammin' body. 

JP shows up at Victoria's hotel room. Victoria says, “Sorry about last night." Yeah. SORRY. He bids crazypants aloha or whatever it is that you say in Spanish, and she leaves. Buh-bye! Buh-bye Victoria! 




Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 
The cocktail party begins with Juan Pablo telling us that he wants to make sure to get in some time with the girls that he didn't have dates with that week. He calls on Amy first for some Juan-on-Juan time, and Amy notes that he wanted to get to know her first (Uh, not really, otherwise he would have asked you out on a date). Amy decides that, since she's a reporter in real life, to act like she’s interviewing him on TV. It’s super cheesy and dumb, and I've never seen an interview that was more about the interviewer than the interviewee. 

Then he goes to talk to Sharleen, who is wearing an AWFUL, AWFUL dress. She apologizes for being so ungracious when he gave her The First Impression Rose, which totally catches him off guard. She's so brainy and dry that I have a hard time watching her…not because she's brainy - that's awesome and it sets her apart from the other girls - but she's so dry and unexpressive? She strikes me as the kind of girl that I might like once she gets more comfortable and opens up more, but at first is the kind you don't want to get into conversation with because her small talk is so stilted and cerebral that it's painful.  

Meanwhile, Cassandra is having a little bit of a tearful breakdown from wondering if it's worth it to be away from her son. Renee goes and talks to her about it. First, I love Renee now, and if she doesn't make it to the end, I will bet good money that she will be in the running for Bachelorette. Two, Cassandra is really very sweet - “I thought that beinghere would bring me so much more happiness” - and I now take back every mean thing I said about her being a ditz. 

Juan Pablo goes upstairs to talk to Cassandra, and it's a sweet conversation. He persuades her to stay, telling her that he wouldn't try to convince her to spend time away from her child if he didn't think something might be there, etc. You know, the old Jason/Brad/Emily line about "you have a kid, so if I don't want to do you anymore, back home to you'll go!" etc. 

Rose TIME! 

Juan Pablo hands out the roses, and among the ones who are asked to stay are Cassandra, Neekee, Aaandeee, EEeeelise, Renee, Luuuucy, Aaaaalison, Chelllllsea, Lauuuuren S., and Chriiistiiie. Sharleen is also given a rose, and makes a joke when asked to accept dees rose: "Uh, sure!" HAHAHAHAHA! You're not funny, so take your rose, go back and stand where you were before, and sheddup. 

Amy and Chantel are sent home. “I thought I was going to be here for a long time,” Amy tells us. 



She kind of reminds me of a girl who grew up in pagaents: Really bright and smily, but with an unhealthy overdose of confidence and self-regard.  

Poor Chantel. Not the right girl for JP, but I dug that chick.  

And that's IT for Ep 2, Bachelor Babies! 

Tune in next time for the recap of Episode 2! 

For more Bachelor-related shiz, you can follow me on Twitter or hit up my FaceSpace. 

Episode 2 of The Bachelor: You Juan a Little Juan-on-Juan Time?

This week on De BACH-A-LORE: Juan Pablo Has a Daughter, we watch one of the most boring dates ever, the girls pair up with some adorable bitches for a good cause, we get the crazy that we've waited almost no time for, and more girls go home.

Ready? Consider the line break your honorary Bachelor bottle of champagne and pop that goddamn cork...

Today is the day for the first Juan-on-Juan date. Clare has the first date rose, which she apparently received during the episode I half-watched on Sunday. She's excited! OMG! Yawn.  

Juan pulls up in front of the Bachelor Mansion in some car (I don't know cars. Nor do I care?) and walks into the living room, looks hot. He brings Clare outside and puts a blindfold on her. Their date is a surprise! Elise CANNOT BELIEVE that he put a blindfold on her. "That was CRAZY!"

Elise might be kind of a dumb-dumb. 

Clare tells us that Juan Pablo smells….like heaven?…in a BOTTLE. Seriously: That's exactly how she talks…like the longest?…pauses EVER. 

Juan tells us that the reason why he picked Clare for the first date is because he remembers her as being "very happy, clever, easy-going." He canno’ waaaaait to see her reaction! "It’s goin' to be a graaaate night."

They arrive at a "Winter Wonderland", or as the rest of the world calls it, Minnesota and Wisconsin. There's fake snow and a mini-ice rink, and Clare skates backwards with Juan Pablo. She falls a lot. Clare is also a really slow talker who takes a lot of pauses and gives us the slowest, most detailed, BORING rundown ever in the entire freaking history of The Bachelor. 



[Actual recap note] Clare, shut up. 

Hot tub, she keeps gushing over and over about him. She’s got big boobs, though, so that’s cool. She wants to let her guard down, because she feels if Juan Pablo is going to get to know her, he has to know some of her story. HELLO, ASHLEE. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. So Clare decides that the hot tub is the perfect place to talk about her dead dad, and there was something about a necklace, which Juan Pablo pretended to be interested in but was really just using it as an excuse to look at her bodacious rack (seriously, she's got a good one. Is it just me, or are most of the emotionally raw and slightly-psycho chicks on The Bachelor also the ones with the best bazangas?)

JP ends up giving her the date rose and then they suck face. She’s kind of a ferocious kissser. “It stirs it up inside me," she says, super slowly and boringly. Pretty sure it stirs something up in JP, too, Clare…

"Just hold still, for just a second…yeah...just…like…that…"Music plays! Whaddya know, another musician none of us have ever heard of! JP and Clare run from the hot tube to the stage...in the snow...in their swimsuits...and then slow dance...in their swimsuits. UGH. “I don’t know where the snow is coming from, but it’s snowing!” says Clare. "I want a relationship, like, what my parents had. I know it exists and...I want it. I can only hope...tonight...is literally the tip of the iceberg for this journey."

The tip of the iceberg…HAHAHAHAHAHA. She's talking a tip of the iceberg when she's slow dancing with Juan Pablo in the snow. HAHAHAHAHAHA. 

Anyway, the date's super boring and I now hate Clare. 

Back at the Bachelor Mansion: 

Lucy is topless in the hot tub, and Renee wins 500 bonus points for telling us that she kind of knew it was only a matter of time until those boobs came out. Lucy is talking some nonsense about not even wanting a Juan-on-Juan date yet, and we get the sense that she's not so much here for Juan Pablo as she is for chances to take her top off on camera. 

Date card! Kat gets the Juan-on-Juan date card: "I can FEEL the electricity," it says. Cue senseless wondering about what it all means. OH MY GOD I AM SO BORED WITH THIS SHOW ALREADY.

Juanna do the Electric Boogaloo?



Juan Pablo and Kat arrive at a private jet for their date. Kat is wearing too much blush and talking some nonsense about how she could totally get used to this in the future with Juan Pablo. : "You know, flying off on a private jet with my latin lover." First of all: Ew. Second of all: HE DOESNT HAVE HIS OWN PRIVATE PLANE, KAT. IT’S CALLED A TV SHOW BUDGET.

Their date ends up being the Electric Run in Salt Lake City, and "it doesn't start until we start it." The Electric Run is basically a rave, but instead of getting to take drugs, you get to run a 5K! Which is EXACTLY what I would want to do on a first date with someone, especially on a TV show - run a 5K. 

The good news is that there's a big dance thing at the end of it, and we get to see Juan Pablo and Kat do some dancing. They're both really great dancers, actually…especially Juan Pablo. Watching him dance is suuuuuuuper hot. He gives Kat the date rose. Woot. 

Jus' a bunch'a bitches!
abc.comGroup date card comes! "Say CHEESE." OH MY GOD WHAT COULD IT MEAN?!?!?!

Lucy is already planning on getting Juan Pablo's attention with her boobs. Victoria is already pulling the “he’s my my man and all these girls are trying to date him” card. Snore. 

The date is a photo shoot! WHAT A SHOCKER. 

And there's PUPPIES!!!!! Models & Mutts apparently do sexy photo shoots to help raise money for dog adoptions, and for their group date, the bachelorettes get to pose with Juan Pablo and a puppy of their choice. Their outfits and makeup will also be designed around that puppy of their choice, but the girls aren't told that until *after* they pick their puppies.  

Which basically means that all the girls make Heee-LAR-ious jokes about being "surrounded by bitches, tee her!", and that Kelly gets to look like an alien giraffe, 
abc.comElise has to wear two boards, and Lucy has to wear a fire hydrant. However, most of the girls are surprisingly devoid of vanity. The only one that I really hear - at first - complaining about their costume is Elise and Andi, the girls who have to wear the boards. Andi makes a good point in that she sends people to jail every day for a living, and thus is not really comfortable being naked on national television. Elise gets the idea that everyone else in America was thinking and asks Lucy to switch costumes with her. Lucy not only agrees to switch costumes, but she also decides to walk down the street totally naked while she "walked her dog." 



Bet a lot of other people on that street saw that and wanted to walk their dogs, too...

Cassandra, Renee, and Nikki luck out by having really get outfits, and their photo shoots with JP are actually pretty steamy. Howevs, Andi is still freaking out about the outfit she has to wear, and JP finds her to tell her that it will be okay. It's actually pretty cute, the way he consoles her and tells her that they'll be doing it together. Those two have really good chemistry - like they're super natural and already comfortable together. I'm kind of starting to dig Andi as one of my favorites. 

So the nekkid photo shoot begins, and Andi, Juan Pablo, and Lucy are standing there, almost bucked nekkid (photos have since revealed that they were wearing flesh colored bikini bottoms). Lucy just stands there, like, "What up, here's my boobs" and JP jokes about it to Andi, like, "OMG, would ya LOOK at this chick? Just standin' there, with her bubbies just bouncin' around with everyone and their motha to see." 

That might have been more of a Jersey accent than a latin one. Oh well. 

The photo shoot goes well - Andi looks absolutely stunning and is like, "yeah, naked! It's not so bad, when you're with JUAN PABLO." The End. 

The "Hymen Maneuver, Otherwise Known As a Psychotic Break
rageagainsttheminivan.comEvenin' date time! 

A ROSE IS AT STAKE. 

And of course there's a pool and a hot tub. They're all dressed up and at a fitness club! Someone even reads off the name of the club and someone's like, "Ooooh" all sarcastic-like. 

Or maybe that sarcasm was just in my mind, because seriously, Bach producers? You make the girls get dressed up to hang out on the patio of a FITNESS CLUB?! C'mon! 

So Cassandra decides that some time with Juan Pablo might be a good time to tell him about her son. 

Wait. WHAT?

Cassandra has a son! And none of us knew about it, because apparently this is one girl who knows how to (somewhat) pace herself when blabbing about her personal life. So she and Juan Pablo go and talk alone, and she tells him about how she calls her mom ten times a day and that she has a son. JP is surprised by this news, but like…happy surprised? It was sweet. Her son is named Trey and he's two years old. Cassandra was excited to tell him when she felt like they finally had time to talk, and even though I still think she's kind of an airhead, I have to admit that she's totally smart for doing that instead of just dropping it on him within the first five minutes of meeting him (no offense, Renee). 

Victoria, meanwhile, is getting haaaaaaammmmmeerrrrrred. Nikki notices, and gently and quietly tells her, “I think everyone thinks that you’re a little too hammered and cray right now." Victoria slurs, "I haven't even had, like, ONE full glassss of champagne. Thissss isss how I am ssssober. I’m jussss' fun and sober."

Then she tells us, "If Juan Pablo happens to be mine, I’m going to straddle him EVERY DAY. That’s what life is about...straddling people. And things."

“I appreciate the input, though,” Victoria tells Nikki later, which is what we all say when we're super drunk and someone tells us something we don't want to hear.  

So Nikki goes off to have some time with JP, and Victoria is having a champagne-induced seizure/dance-off in the hot tub by herself. "Today I gave him the hymen maneuver. I think I should get a rose for that. If you do the hymen maneuver and you save him...That's what you do, when your'e a lifeguard! You save them with the hymen maneuver." She’s so freaking drunk and crazy that she sounds like Arnold Swartzenegger when she yells out for Juan Pablo: "Les go to mah hot tub!" Kelly, meanwhile, is gleeful. [Victoria's behavior] “Makes me look better."

I'm kind of starting to get the feeling that Kelly's a small-dog toting biznatch. 

Nikki and JP are together, having their Juan-on-Juan time, and Victoria suddenly shows up, swaying towards them and yawning. She walks up and then…just turns around and walks away. "Ayyyyy poor Victoooooria," Juan Pablo says, as they watch her run off. Victoria runs off toward the bathroom. Renee goes to find her, hears Victoria crying in a stall, and crawls underneath the locked stall to talk to her (Renee is a good woman. I'm starting to really like that girl). Victoria is sobbing and yelling and crying at Renee, and then all of a sudden starts yelling, "I’m done, I’m going home, I’m done." Victoria runs out of the bathroom and starts yelling at producers to send her home, she doesn't give a shit, she's going into an elevator and she's going down, she's going home. Producer Elan stops her and tries to talk her down, telling her he can't let her go home without her shoes, that he has to get her a cab and a flight out first. Victoria continues to freak out, yelling "FUCK Juan Pablo" and all this other shiz. Elan continues to tell her that for her safety, he can't just let her leave. She runs away and back to tthe bathroom. 

Can anyone say psychotic break?

Lucy interrupes JP’s time with some other blonde and tells him that Victoria is not doing well. JP wants to make sure that Victoria is doing okay, so he goes into the bathroom and tries to talk to Victoria. She's sobbing in the stall once again, and won't answer JP, except when he asks her at once point if she can talk to him for a minute and she screams, "NO! NO!"

So he gives up, goes back to the girls, and gives the rose to Kelly for putting up with looking like an alien giraffe for the photo shoot. I've decided that I don't really like Kelly. She strikes me as an underground Courtney: Kind of snooty in a really backhanded way. Anyway, JP asks the girls to make sure that Victoria gets home safe so he can come tomorrow and talk to her (a.k.a., send her home). 

Sorry About Going Totally Psycho Last Night! 

The next morning, the girls are sitting around the house, talking about what happened with Victoria. Apparently she's not there - the producers took her to a hotel, and the girls haven't seen her since the night before. Also: Nikki has a SUPER slammin' body. 

JP shows up at Victoria's hotel room. Victoria says, “Sorry about last night." Yeah. SORRY. He bids crazypants aloha or whatever it is that you say in Spanish, and she leaves. Buh-bye! Buh-bye Victoria! 




Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 
The cocktail party begins with Juan Pablo telling us that he wants to make sure to get in some time with the girls that he didn't have dates with that week. He calls on Amy first for some Juan-on-Juan time, and Amy notes that he wanted to get to know her first (Uh, not really, otherwise he would have asked you out on a date). Amy decides that, since she's a reporter in real life, to act like she’s interviewing him on TV. It’s super cheesy and dumb, and I've never seen an interview that was more about the interviewer than the interviewee. 

Then he goes to talk to Sharleen, who is wearing an AWFUL, AWFUL dress. She apologizes for being so ungracious when he gave her The First Impression Rose, which totally catches him off guard. She's so brainy and dry that I have a hard time watching her…not because she's brainy - that's awesome and it sets her apart from the other girls - but she's so dry and unexpressive? She strikes me as the kind of girl that I might like once she gets more comfortable and opens up more, but at first is the kind you don't want to get into conversation with because her small talk is so stilted and cerebral that it's painful.  

Meanwhile, Cassandra is having a little bit of a tearful breakdown from wondering if it's worth it to be away from her son. Renee goes and talks to her about it. First, I love Renee now, and if she doesn't make it to the end, I will bet good money that she will be in the running for Bachelorette. Two, Cassandra is really very sweet - “I thought that beinghere would bring me so much more happiness” - and I now take back every mean thing I said about her being a ditz. 

Juan Pablo goes upstairs to talk to Cassandra, and it's a sweet conversation. He persuades her to stay, telling her that he wouldn't try to convince her to spend time away from her child if he didn't think something might be there, etc. You know, the old Jason/Brad/Emily line about "you have a kid, so if I don't want to do you anymore, back home to you'll go!" etc. 

Rose TIME! 

Juan Pablo hands out the roses, and among the ones who are asked to stay are Cassandra, Neekee, Aaandeee, EEeeelise, Renee, Luuuucy, Aaaaalison, Chelllllsea, Lauuuuren S., and Chriiistiiie. Sharleen is also given a rose, and makes a joke when asked to accept dees rose: "Uh, sure!" HAHAHAHAHA! You're not funny, so take your rose, go back and stand where you were before, and sheddup. 

Amy and Chantel are sent home. “I thought I was going to be here for a long time,” Amy tells us. 



She kind of reminds me of a girl who grew up in pagaents: Really bright and smily, but with an unhealthy overdose of confidence and self-regard.  

Poor Chantel. Not the right girl for JP, but I dug that chick.  

And that's IT for Ep 2, Bachelor Babies! 

Tune in next time for the recap of Episode 2! 

For more Bachelor-related shiz, you can follow me on Twitter or hit up my FaceSpace. 

The Season Premiere Recap of The Bachelor: Juan Is The Loneliest Number

ABC.comHappy new season, Bachelor Babies! Welcome to The Bachelor: Juan Has a Daughter.

This season, we will be watching 27 ladies compete for the love and affection of a former professional soccer player who also happens to be a single dad.

We will also be hearing (most of) these 27 ladies made repeated jokes about him being a "latin lover."

I know. I'm already tired of it, too, and the season's barely begun.

So! Let's make like a Bachelorette and jump into this hot tub!

If you didn't watch Sunday's episode "Countdown to Juan Pablo", you missed some stuff about the girls auditioning for the show, the producers "surprising" the new bachelorette babes, and a lot of really boring stuff about Juan Pablo's daughter and family.

Basically, to catch you up to speed:

Apparently when you audition for the show you get to meet both Chris Harrison AND Elan Gale, which means that I will be seeing ALL OF YOU next spring on the new season of The Bachelor! Seriously, though, some of the girls they interview are dumb, some are cute, some are funny, and all of them have great boobs. The End.

Then it's time to "surprise" the new bachelorettes and tell them they made it on the show:

The fact that I'm going to hate Lucy is confirmed when she's surprised by Chris and does a lot of jumping around like a 5 yr old and then tries on a dress for Chris Harrison and it's gross and I hate her.

Christy apparently lives with 15 girls in one house, so the Bachelor Mansion should be a yawn fest for her.

Elise looks like she got tipped off, because if that's what she wears when she's just hanging out at home, then I'm Liz Taylor.

Lauren is cute.

Alli is kind of a tomboy, and apparently has no problem going up to complete strangers in the park to talk about her love life.

Chelsie is kind of a weirdo.

Apparently none of these women have life commitments because they're all perfectly fine with the producers being all, "Pack your bags, we're leaving"… So weird when you also consider that they all also look completely camera-ready.

Lots of shots of girls yelling, "JUAN PABLO, I'M COMING FOR YOU!" Basically it feels like the producers really like Juan Pablo and are just trying to give him a preview of what it's going to be like every night in the Fantasy Suites.

Then we meet up with Juan Pablo and his daughter Camilla, who's cute, and then we have family fun time with Juan Pablo's family, where Juan Pablo and his dad cry about how much they're going to miss each other and it's super sweet and then his sister announces she's pregnant over Face Time and America is kind of like, "Wow, way to steal the spotlight from your brother, biznatch."

Then we have a Gia respective and I end up crying a little because Gia was awesome and one of my favorite people in the entire series of this show and deserved happiness more than anyone.

So that was super sad.

Now that we've had some feels, it's time for some shirtless moments between Juan Pablo and Sean!

(see what I did there? Sorry. Not good with the emotional stuff when it comes to The Bachelor)

The journey begins with Juan Pablo moving his family into a house near the Bachelor Mansion. I like this whole new "Hey, you have a kid? Bring 'em with" thing that they're doing now, but I bet Jason is reeeaaal pissed that he had leave HIS son home in Seattle. Anyway, Juan Pablo does a bunch of boring stuff with his daughter, and then Sean shows up to give him some advice, because as Juan Pablo says, "It's gonna get real."

Oh, is it? A series of extravagantly produced dates with some of the most beautiful single women in America is gonna get real? Things don't get real until you guys decide to spend the afternoon at the mall on the Saturday of Easter weekend, Juan Pablo. Things don't get real until one of you has to deal with slow internet or a dying laptop while trying to get a work assignment in at the last minute. Things don't get real until one of you is so sick with a cold or flu that it's disgusting just to hear that person breath. Okay, Juan Pablo? THAT'S REAL. THOSE THINGS are real. You getting to travel around the world to the most exotic locations in existence with multiple stunning, model-bodied women who want nothing more than to feel you inside of them is not fucking real. 

Anyway! So Sean and Juan Pablo sit down for a little man chat. Pablo confesses that he doesn't like the word "journey", which makes me like him even more, and Sean suggests that he say "adventure" instead.

Yeah. This convo gets super deep, you guys. Maybe brace yourself some shaking up of the world order as we know it…

They talk about how bad JP is with names, and then they talk about his kissing strategy. Sean gives him some sage advice on not kissing a girl in front of the other girls, and Juan Pablo nods slowly, taking it all in. Then they both take their shirts off and look into the camera and whisper, "Amber Carter, if only you had come on this show, everything would have been so much different for us. You come to us in our dreams…now…now you must come to us in real life."

And then I wake up to see Juan Pablo standing in the shower, soaping up his amazing body and it's like MY DREAMS are now MY REALITY.

"Okay, now we just want you to sit here and stare off into the sunset as you think about that person you loved who died or dumped you or whatever it is that your sad story is about."
tvfoodanddrink.comChris stands in front of the Bachelor mansion and and introduces himself like we don't already know who he is. Then it's more boring stuff about the girls.

Chelsie pokes her head through a bunch of wildflowers and I think she might be funny but she also seems like she's really annoying.

Renee is wearing an unfortunate bikini bottom, but she's beach girl pretty and a single mom and I think I'll probably end up liking her a lot.

Andi is a lawyer and at one point the producers make her stare awkwardly off into the sunset.

Amy J is a WEIRDO. Massage therapist, talks about wanting to find a man who wants to be rubbed by her. HAHAHAHAHAHA. There's a shot of her sitting in front of food and she calls out, "Juan Pablo, I made you breeaaakfaaaaasst!" Like he's her imaginary friend or something. It's hilarious and also kind of scary.

Nikki is a pediatric nurse. She's funny, cute (her dye job could use some work, though), and already a clear favorite with the producers.

Lauren's fiance dumped her and the producers make her sit and stare longingly at a wedding taking place across the bay. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Valerie is very competitive and would like America to know that she's very pretty and not afraid to scratch eyes out. She is not very pretty, which makes her whole spotlight totally hilarious.

Lacy comes from a family of 13, most of which is made up of kids with special needs. She opened her own elderly care facility and she's only 25. I love her and want to protect her from all the evils in the world until she says that you're not completely dressed without a smile on your face, and then I realize that she's the new Tenley, which doesn't make me dislike her, but it's kind of like those cupcakes that you get at the grocery store where the icing is soooooo soft and sweet that you suspect it's actually made from Soylent Green because nothing man-made can remain that soft for that long.

Clare's dad died of brain cancer. She sits at a bench in a park and tries really hard to look pretty while looking at pictures of her dad, because, you know, that's totally natural - who DOESN'T sit in the middle of a park looking at photos of their dead loved ones? Apparently her dad made a CD for her future husband, AND IT'S NEVER BEEN PLAYED, NOT ONCE, NOT YET.

Ugh. Can't even. Please welcome the new AshLee, everyone! Called it before the season even started.

Juan Leeemo, Two Leeemos, Three Leeemos…. 

Leeemo time! Juan Pablo shows up, looking debonair in his tuxedo. Amy L. is the first one out of the limo. At first look Juan says, “Hi. Wow.” - really soft and gentle, it’s super cute. Amy is super cute and really natural - “the sun could not go down fast enough!", etc. They seem to have a sweet connection right off the bat. He lets his gaze linger on her ass as she walks inside. 

Cassandra, former NBA dancer, is next. Sweet, quiet, doesn’t introduce herself, and there's some  (literally) cricket-type pauses. So awkward. 

Christy gets out, and Juan is immediately like, “You’re gorgeous!", It's actually kind of slimy, how often he keeps complimenting her on how hot she looks. They hug, and when she pulls away he even sneaks a peek at her cleave. COME ON, JUAN PABLO. You're wearing a tux. Act like it. 

Christine, "Police Support Specialist" is next. She looks stunning in an emerald dress. Instant attraction. She tells JP that she brought something for his daughter (smooth move): It's a bracelet, which is probably laced with poison. 

Nikki, our pediatric nurse, gets out next. Her dress is cute. "Dees leemo is on fiarrrrr!" JP says, when he sees her. She does this thing where she has him listen to her heart with a stethascope. Kind of cheesy  but also kind of convenient in the fact that she's giving him a built-in reason to stare at her boobs. When she walks away, JP turns to the camera, bites his fingers, and is like, “No more limos”. 

WELL TOUGH NEWS, JUAN PABLO, BECAUSE HERE COMES THE SECOND ONE, FULL OF SCREAMING LADIES. 

Kat is the first one out of the second limo. 

** Just as an aside, the best part about this part of the show is that we get to hear Juan Pablo say his name over and over again ***

Kat and Juan Pablo salsa because she tells him she's a dancer. It's kind of totally freaking hot to see him dance like that.

Chantel walks up in a tight cocktail dress and tries to act like Chantel is hard to say, and then uses some Spanglish. No comment. 

Lucy, the one that I hate, gets out.


previously.tv.comJuan Pablo is like, “Oh, how cuuuute”, the way that you would say to a puppy, and it was THE BEST. Lucy stomps up to him in her oversized First Communion dress like a 5-year-old trapped in a 25-year-old body and throws her arms around his neck. She tells him she didn’t wear shoes, because obviously, you guys. "Free Spirit" being her official occupation and all…

Victoria is from Brazil. Apparently, all ignorant mothas like myself, they speak Portuguese in Brazil and *not* Spanish there. Who knew?! 

Smart language people, probably. 

Danielle tells him she has a present waiting for him inside, which is a great way to get some Juan-on-Juan time. Nice work, Danielle.

Lauren S. rides up on a bike that has a PIANO on it. First she gets stuck on the bike, and then she starts to play some piano song and screws up, but her dress looks great, so who cares. She’s so nervous that she forgets to tell JP her name, so he sneaks inside like a burglar and interrupts the girls in their pre-wedding planning convos to find out. 

3rd Limo pulls up. Chelsie gets out and is SO HYPER. Does this whole science experiment thing and speed talks her way through it, like, “these goggles are for me not for you let's do a chemistry experiment you know what instead of doing chemistry why don’t we make some, yeah, okay, sound good?” Oy. Juan checks out her ass as she walks away. 

Valerie shows up wearing cowboy boots. She seems like the second coming of Courtney. 

Elise, the "I look like this just hanging out at home" gets out, introduces herself, yawn x 2.  

Ashley gets out wearing a great dress. Smokey voice! She might have some sex appeal after all! Gives him a gold star. 

Clare shows up with a pregnant belly, tells JP she wants to add to his family, and has him touch her belly. She starts laughing as he lays a hand on her stomach. “It’s so not real! it’s so not real!” REALLY, BITCH?! WHAT. THE. FUCK. 



Like, I can't even…it's crazy, it's super weird, and she acts like it's the most hilarious prank ever. Usually the girls wait until their first date to make the first tentative entrance into Psycholand, but apparently Clare believes in efficiency when it comes to spilling her crazy. 

Alli plays soccer with JP. Woot. 

Amy J shows up. She's still a weirdo. 

Renee walks up, tells JP she’s a “mommy” to her son Ben. JP says, “Bye mama” when she walks away, and it’s actually kind of hot?!

Lauren H. Eh. 

Maggie. GREAT southern drawl, gives him a fishing hook because she loves to go fishing with her family and hope he’ll be a great catch. Actually pretty clever. Also, I would probably pay her good money just to hear her talk some more. 

PUPPPY! IT'S A PUPPY!!! 

Kelly brings a puppy, whom she named Molly (WTF) and tells JP that "Molly" insisted on coming with. Is Molly really Kelly's soul trapped in a puppy's body? Do you think? Like kind of like in "The Little Memaid", where Kelly has to bring "Molly" with her everywhere she goes because some witch is now inhabiting Molly's *real* body? Or do you think it's like in the book/movie The Golden Compass, where Molly is Kelly's conscience or soul, and so Kelly has to bring her everywhere or she'll be soulless? 

Hmm. Because other than those theories or the fact that Molly is a therapy god, there is no logical fucking reason why Kelly brought (or was even allowed to bring) a dog with her. 

The 4th limo pulls up, and out walks Lacy/Tenley. She gives JP a bottle of something and tells him she knows that being around so many other girls could give him a headache, so she wants him to "take two of these and then think of me!" He takes two and she’s like, “They’re Red Hots! Remember to take 2 and think of me!!” like a overly exuberant 4-year-old. 

Alexis. Yawn.

Kylie steps out wearing an unfortunate pink pagent dress. Even I know redheads shouldn’t wear pink, Kylie. 


Sharleen. Opera singer. Stiff. Awkward. 
Andi is last, and she steps out and JP is like “OH MY GOSH.” She has a great voice, very natural chemistry. Not digging the ombre hair, but whatevs. She walks away and JP says, “OH MY GOSH” again. 

Cocktail Party

hiddenremote.comTime for the cocktail party! 

Just as an aside, who the fuck decorated the mansion this season? Because G.R.O.S.S. 

Unlike other seasons, the very first cocktail party kicks off with a dance party and a Photo Booth. Fun! Cute idea. Especially because every time Juan Pabo dances, an angel has an orgasm. 

Then he has some Juan-on-Juan time with some of the girls. Nikki asks him what he wants to know about her… "Well, first of all, your name." HAHAHAHAHA! JP keeps forgetting names, and it's hilarious. 

Renee and Juan Pablo talk more about their kids, and it's actually kind of cute. I like Renee so far. 

Lucy, the one I hate, tells us that the ones who are going to go home are the wall flowers, the ones who didn’t go “BAM, I’m here, I’m Lucy." She does this flirty thing with Juan Pablo where she gushes and says stuff like, “Do I look like I need any more confidence?!” and “Don't be nervous, be sure” and I want to smack her. SO HARD. Juan Pablo says the most hilarious thing all night: “Lucy is just crazy. She’s just so happy...like you guys say “happy camper” or something like dat?” and I seriously laugh for five minutes, just playing that part over and over again. 

Lucy puts her feet on his lap and tells him that she doesn’t really live anywhere, that she’s just kind of a drifter, and she doesn’t wear shoes because real hippies don’t wear shoes. Juan looks freaked out. AMERICA looks freaked out. 

Amy J., Massage Therapist, lead Juan out to a massage table, where she proceeds to put essential oil on her hands and then rubs it all over the back of his suit. Smart. Then she makes him take off his jacket and makes noises while she's rubbing his feet and it's like she literally having an orgasm while she's giving him a massage and it makes everyone in America so uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, Jilted At The Altar Lauren is freaking out and crying about the fact that it's not in her nature to be aggressive but she knows she has to be because she hasn't had any time with him yet. She basically has a breakdown and then tells JP why she's having a breakdown, basically breaking every single rule in the chapter, "So You're Going To Your Very First Bachelor Cocktail Party" in the Bachelor Handbook. 

“I hope I didn’t mess it up," she says, after. 

Well. Ya did. Nice knowing you, Lauren. Hope you get over that whole "my fiancé dumped me" thing soon. 

JP hangs out with Andi The Prosecutor, and they basically have a whole conversation about how much they DON'T like to read, which is fun. Alexis also has good sized breasts, which means that she's pretty much hitting JP on all of his Likes. They do have outstanding chemistry, I gotta say. Top 4 Pick for sure. 

Then it's time for Opera Singer Sharleen to come on the scene (see what I did there?). She's super stiff and formal. It's weird. JP keeps telling us that he thinks she's a keeper, meanwhile she's telling us, "eh". He goes and gives her the First Impression Rose, and is all, "I think she will be soooo excited!" She could not be LESS excited. For real. If I were one of the other girls there, I would be like, "WTF, Sharleen. See that door? Time for you to sing your way through it." 

Rose Ceremony Tyme

Rose Ceremony happens. There's one really hilarious moment when JP calls Chelsea's name and Kylie thinks he said her name, so she starts to walk toward him and the look on everyone's faces is PRICELESS. 




But that being said, I feel really bad for her because she ended up not getting a rose at all in the end. 

Ashley didn't get one, either,

 Lacy, 


Valerie (HAHAHAHAHA. Guess you're not such a pretty girl AFTER ALL, VALERIE), 

Maggie,

Lauren H.,

Pretty-Emerald-Dress Christine, 

Weirdo Amy J. 

And some girl no one knew of called Alexis: 

And that's IT, Bachelor Babies! 

Tune in next time for the recap of Episode 2! 

For more Bachelor-related shiz, you can follow me on Twitter or hit up my FaceSpace. 

The Season Premiere of The Bachelor: Juan Is The Loneliest Number

ABC.comHappy new season, Bachelor Babies! Welcome to The Bachelor: Juan Has a Daughter.

This season, we will be watching 27 ladies compete for the love and affection of a former professional soccer player who also happens to be a single dad.

We will also be hearing (most of) these 27 ladies made repeated jokes about him being a "latin lover."

I know. I'm already tired of it, too, and the season's barely begun.

So! Let's make like a Bachelorette and jump into this hot tub!

If you didn't watch Sunday's episode "Countdown to Juan Pablo", you missed some stuff about the girls auditioning for the show, the producers "surprising" the new bachelorette babes, and a lot of really boring stuff about Juan Pablo's daughter and family.

Basically, to catch you up to speed:

Apparently when you audition for the show you get to meet both Chris Harrison AND Elan Gale, which means that I will be seeing ALL OF YOU next spring on the new season of The Bachelor! Seriously, though, some of the girls they interview are dumb, some are cute, some are funny, and all of them have great boobs. The End.

Then it's time to "surprise" the new bachelorettes and tell them they made it on the show:

The fact that I'm going to hate Lucy is confirmed when she's surprised by Chris and does a lot of jumping around like a 5 yr old and then tries on a dress for Chris Harrison and it's gross and I hate her.

Christy apparently lives with 15 girls in one house, so the Bachelor Mansion should be a yawn fest for her.

Elise looks like she got tipped off, because if that's what she wears when she's just hanging out at home, then I'm Liz Taylor.

Lauren is cute.

Alli is kind of a tomboy, and apparently has no problem going up to complete strangers in the park to talk about her love life.

Chelsie is kind of a weirdo.

Apparently none of these women have life commitments because they're all perfectly fine with the producers being all, "Pack your bags, we're leaving"… So weird when you also consider that they all also look completely camera-ready.

Lots of shots of girls yelling, "JUAN PABLO, I'M COMING FOR YOU!" Basically it feels like the producers really like Juan Pablo and are just trying to give him a preview of what it's going to be like every night in the Fantasy Suites.

Then we meet up with Juan Pablo and his daughter Camilla, who's cute, and then we have family fun time with Juan Pablo's family, where Juan Pablo and his dad cry about how much they're going to miss each other and it's super sweet and then his sister announces she's pregnant over Face Time and America is kind of like, "Wow, way to steal the spotlight from your brother, biznatch."

Then we have a Gia respective and I end up crying a little because Gia was awesome and one of my favorite people in the entire series of this show and deserved happiness more than anyone.

So that was super sad.

Now that we've had some feels, it's time for some shirtless moments between Juan Pablo and Sean!

(see what I did there? Sorry. Not good with the emotional stuff when it comes to The Bachelor)

The journey begins with Juan Pablo moving his family into a house near the Bachelor Mansion. I like this whole new "Hey, you have a kid? Bring 'em with" thing that they're doing now, but I bet Jason is reeeaaal pissed that he had leave HIS son home in Seattle. Anyway, Juan Pablo does a bunch of boring stuff with his daughter, and then Sean shows up to give him some advice, because as Juan Pablo says, "It's gonna get real."

Oh, is it? A series of extravagantly produced dates with some of the most beautiful single women in America is gonna get real? Things don't get real until you guys decide to spend the afternoon at the mall on the Saturday of Easter weekend, Juan Pablo. Things don't get real until one of you has to deal with slow internet or a dying laptop while trying to get a work assignment in at the last minute. Things don't get real until one of you is so sick with a cold or flu that it's disgusting just to hear that person breath. Okay, Juan Pablo? THAT'S REAL. THOSE THINGS are real. You getting to travel around the world to the most exotic locations in existence with multiple stunning, model-bodied women who want nothing more than to feel you inside of them is not fucking real. 

Anyway! So Sean and Juan Pablo sit down for a little man chat. Pablo confesses that he doesn't like the word "journey", which makes me like him even more, and Sean suggests that he say "adventure" instead.

Yeah. This convo gets super deep, you guys. Maybe brace yourself some shaking up of the world order as we know it…

They talk about how bad JP is with names, and then they talk about his kissing strategy. Sean gives him some sage advice on not kissing a girl in front of the other girls, and Juan Pablo nods slowly, taking it all in. Then they both take their shirts off and look into the camera and whisper, "Amber Carter, if only you had come on this show, everything would have been so much different for us. You come to us in our dreams…now…now you must come to us in real life."

And then I wake up to see Juan Pablo standing in the shower, soaping up his amazing body and it's like MY DREAMS are now MY REALITY.

"Okay, now we just want you to sit here and stare off into the sunset as you think about that person you loved who died or dumped you or whatever it is that your sad story is about."
tvfoodanddrink.comChris stands in front of the Bachelor mansion and and introduces himself like we don't already know who he is. Then it's more boring stuff about the girls.

Chelsie pokes her head through a bunch of wildflowers and I think she might be funny but she also seems like she's really annoying.

Renee is wearing an unfortunate bikini bottom, but she's beach girl pretty and a single mom and I think I'll probably end up liking her a lot.

Andi is a lawyer and at one point the producers make her stare awkwardly off into the sunset.

Amy J is a WEIRDO. Massage therapist, talks about wanting to find a man who wants to be rubbed by her. HAHAHAHAHAHA. There's a shot of her sitting in front of food and she calls out, "Juan Pablo, I made you breeaaakfaaaaasst!" Like he's her imaginary friend or something. It's hilarious and also kind of scary.

Nikki is a pediatric nurse. She's funny, cute (her dye job could use some work, though), and already a clear favorite with the producers.

Lauren's fiance dumped her and the producers make her sit and stare longingly at a wedding taking place across the bay. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Valerie is very competitive and would like America to know that she's very pretty and not afraid to scratch eyes out. She is not very pretty, which makes her whole spotlight totally hilarious.

Lacy comes from a family of 13, most of which is made up of kids with special needs. She opened her own elderly care facility and she's only 25. I love her and want to protect her from all the evils in the world until she says that you're not completely dressed without a smile on your face, and then I realize that she's the new Tenley, which doesn't make me dislike her, but it's kind of like those cupcakes that you get at the grocery store where the icing is soooooo soft and sweet that you suspect it's actually made from Soylent Green because nothing man-made can remain that soft for that long.

Clare's dad died of brain cancer. She sits at a bench in a park and tries really hard to look pretty while looking at pictures of her dad, because, you know, that's totally natural - who DOESN'T sit in the middle of a park looking at photos of their dead loved ones? Apparently her dad made a CD for her future husband, AND IT'S NEVER BEEN PLAYED, NOT ONCE, NOT YET.

Ugh. Can't even. Please welcome the new AshLee, everyone! Called it before the season even started.

Juan Leeemo, Two Leeemos, Three Leeemos…. 

Leeemo time! Juan Pablo shows up, looking debonair in his tuxedo. Amy L. is the first one out of the limo. At first look Juan says, “Hi. Wow.” - really soft and gentle, it’s super cute. Amy is super cute and really natural - “the sun could not go down fast enough!", etc. They seem to have a sweet connection right off the bat. He lets his gaze linger on her ass as she walks inside. 

Cassandra, former NBA dancer, is next. Sweet, quiet, doesn’t introduce herself, and there's some  (literally) cricket-type pauses. So awkward. 

Christy gets out, and Juan is immediately like, “You’re gorgeous!", It's actually kind of slimy, how often he keeps complimenting her on how hot she looks. They hug, and when she pulls away he even sneaks a peek at her cleave. COME ON, JUAN PABLO. You're wearing a tux. Act like it. 

Christine, "Police Support Specialist" is next. She looks stunning in an emerald dress. Instant attraction. She tells JP that she brought something for his daughter (smooth move): It's a bracelet, which is probably laced with poison. 

Nikki, our pediatric nurse, gets out next. Her dress is cute. "Dees leemo is on fiarrrrr!" JP says, when he sees her. She does this thing where she has him listen to her heart with a stethascope. Kind of cheesy  but also kind of convenient in the fact that she's giving him a built-in reason to stare at her boobs. When she walks away, JP turns to the camera, bites his fingers, and is like, “No more limos”. 

WELL TOUGH NEWS, JUAN PABLO, BECAUSE HERE COMES THE SECOND ONE, FULL OF SCREAMING LADIES. 

Kat is the first one out of the second limo. 

** Just as an aside, the best part about this part of the show is that we get to hear Juan Pablo say his name over and over again ***

Kat and Juan Pablo salsa because she tells him she's a dancer. It's kind of totally freaking hot to see him dance like that.

Chantel walks up in a tight cocktail dress and tries to act like Chantel is hard to say, and then uses some Spanglish. No comment. 

Lucy, the one that I hate, gets out.


previously.tv.comJuan Pablo is like, “Oh, how cuuuute”, the way that you would say to a puppy, and it was THE BEST. Lucy stomps up to him in her oversized First Communion dress like a 5-year-old trapped in a 25-year-old body and throws her arms around his neck. She tells him she didn’t wear shoes, because obviously, you guys. "Free Spirit" being her official occupation and all…

Victoria is from Brazil. Apparently, all ignorant mothas like myself, they speak Portuguese in Brazil and *not* Spanish there. Who knew?! 

Smart language people, probably. 

Danielle tells him she has a present waiting for him inside, which is a great way to get some Juan-on-Juan time. Nice work, Danielle.

Lauren S. rides up on a bike that has a PIANO on it. First she gets stuck on the bike, and then she starts to play some piano song and screws up, but her dress looks great, so who cares. She’s so nervous that she forgets to tell JP her name, so he sneaks inside like a burglar and interrupts the girls in their pre-wedding planning convos to find out. 

3rd Limo pulls up. Chelsie gets out and is SO HYPER. Does this whole science experiment thing and speed talks her way through it, like, “these goggles are for me not for you let's do a chemistry experiment you know what instead of doing chemistry why don’t we make some, yeah, okay, sound good?” Oy. Juan checks out her ass as she walks away. 

Valerie shows up wearing cowboy boots. She seems like the second coming of Courtney. 

Elise, the "I look like this just hanging out at home" gets out, introduces herself, yawn x 2.  

Ashley gets out wearing a great dress. Smokey voice! She might have some sex appeal after all! Gives him a gold star. 

Clare shows up with a pregnant belly, tells JP she wants to add to his family, and has him touch her belly. She starts laughing as he lays a hand on her stomach. “It’s so not real! it’s so not real!” REALLY, BITCH?! WHAT. THE. FUCK. 



Like, I can't even…it's crazy, it's super weird, and she acts like it's the most hilarious prank ever. Usually the girls wait until their first date to make the first tentative entrance into Psycholand, but apparently Clare believes in efficiency when it comes to spilling her crazy. 

Alli plays soccer with JP. Woot. 

Amy J shows up. She's still a weirdo. 

Renee walks up, tells JP she’s a “mommy” to her son Ben. JP says, “Bye mama” when she walks away, and it’s actually kind of hot?!

Lauren H. Eh. 

Maggie. GREAT southern drawl, gives him a fishing hook because she loves to go fishing with her family and hope he’ll be a great catch. Actually pretty clever. Also, I would probably pay her good money just to hear her talk some more. 

PUPPPY! IT'S A PUPPY!!! 

Kelly brings a puppy, whom she named Molly (WTF) and tells JP that "Molly" insisted on coming with. Is Molly really Kelly's soul trapped in a puppy's body? Do you think? Like kind of like in "The Little Memaid", where Kelly has to bring "Molly" with her everywhere she goes because some witch is now inhabiting Molly's *real* body? Or do you think it's like in the book/movie The Golden Compass, where Molly is Kelly's conscience or soul, and so Kelly has to bring her everywhere or she'll be soulless? 

Hmm. Because other than those theories or the fact that Molly is a therapy god, there is no logical fucking reason why Kelly brought (or was even allowed to bring) a dog with her. 

The 4th limo pulls up, and out walks Lacy/Tenley. She gives JP a bottle of something and tells him she knows that being around so many other girls could give him a headache, so she wants him to "take two of these and then think of me!" He takes two and she’s like, “They’re Red Hots! Remember to take 2 and think of me!!” like a overly exuberant 4-year-old. 

Alexis. Yawn.

Kylie steps out wearing an unfortunate pink pagent dress. Even I know redheads shouldn’t wear pink, Kylie. 


Sharleen. Opera singer. Stiff. Awkward. 
Andi is last, and she steps out and JP is like “OH MY GOSH.” She has a great voice, very natural chemistry. Not digging the ombre hair, but whatevs. She walks away and JP says, “OH MY GOSH” again. 

Cocktail Party

hiddenremote.comTime for the cocktail party! 

Just as an aside, who the fuck decorated the mansion this season? Because G.R.O.S.S. 

Unlike other seasons, the very first cocktail party kicks off with a dance party and a Photo Booth. Fun! Cute idea. Especially because every time Juan Pabo dances, an angel has an orgasm. 

Then he has some Juan-on-Juan time with some of the girls. Nikki asks him what he wants to know about her… "Well, first of all, your name." HAHAHAHAHA! JP keeps forgetting names, and it's hilarious. 

Renee and Juan Pablo talk more about their kids, and it's actually kind of cute. I like Renee so far. 

Lucy, the one I hate, tells us that the ones who are going to go home are the wall flowers, the ones who didn’t go “BAM, I’m here, I’m Lucy." She does this flirty thing with Juan Pablo where she gushes and says stuff like, “Do I look like I need any more confidence?!” and “Don't be nervous, be sure” and I want to smack her. SO HARD. Juan Pablo says the most hilarious thing all night: “Lucy is just crazy. She’s just so happy...like you guys say “happy camper” or something like dat?” and I seriously laugh for five minutes, just playing that part over and over again. 

Lucy puts her feet on his lap and tells him that she doesn’t really live anywhere, that she’s just kind of a drifter, and she doesn’t wear shoes because real hippies don’t wear shoes. Juan looks freaked out. AMERICA looks freaked out. 

Amy J., Massage Therapist, lead Juan out to a massage table, where she proceeds to put essential oil on her hands and then rubs it all over the back of his suit. Smart. Then she makes him take off his jacket and makes noises while she's rubbing his feet and it's like she literally having an orgasm while she's giving him a massage and it makes everyone in America so uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, Jilted At The Altar Lauren is freaking out and crying about the fact that it's not in her nature to be aggressive but she knows she has to be because she hasn't had any time with him yet. She basically has a breakdown and then tells JP why she's having a breakdown, basically breaking every single rule in the chapter, "So You're Going To Your Very First Bachelor Cocktail Party" in the Bachelor Handbook. 

“I hope I didn’t mess it up," she says, after. 

Well. Ya did. Nice knowing you, Lauren. Hope you get over that whole "my fiancé dumped me" thing soon. 

JP hangs out with Andi The Prosecutor, and they basically have a whole conversation about how much they DON'T like to read, which is fun. Alexis also has good sized breasts, which means that she's pretty much hitting JP on all of his Likes. They do have outstanding chemistry, I gotta say. Top 4 Pick for sure. 

Then it's time for Opera Singer Sharleen to come on the scene (see what I did there?). She's super stiff and formal. It's weird. JP keeps telling us that he thinks she's a keeper, meanwhile she's telling us, "eh". He goes and gives her the First Impression Rose, and is all, "I think she will be soooo excited!" She could not be LESS excited. For real. If I were one of the other girls there, I would be like, "WTF, Sharleen. See that door? Time for you to sing your way through it." 

Rose Ceremony Tyme

Rose Ceremony happens. There's one really hilarious moment when JP calls Chelsea's name and Kylie thinks he said her name, so she starts to walk toward him and the look on everyone's faces is PRICELESS. 




But that being said, I feel really bad for her because she ended up not getting a rose at all in the end. 

Ashley didn't get one, either,

 Lacy, 


Valerie (HAHAHAHAHA. Guess you're not such a pretty girl AFTER ALL, VALERIE), 

Maggie,

Lauren H.,

Pretty-Emerald-Dress Christine, 

Weirdo Amy J. 

And some girl no one knew of called Alexis: 

And that's IT, Bachelor Babies! 

Tune in next time for the recap of Episode 2! 

For more Bachelor-related shiz, you can follow me on Twitter or hit up my FaceSpace. 

Day of Rest.

One of the things I started instituting in January is a Day of Rest.


The idea was inspired by my friend Jess, who started doing them a couple years ago and impressed me with her commitment to them: A Day of Rest for her was literally and totally a Day of Rest…she didn't go out with friends, she didn't make plans, and I don't even think she went online.

I know, right? HOW RADICAL, to cut off your life from the internet for even a day! To know a friend of the Amish…'tis wider, the world view.

Anyway. *My* Day of Rest is a day of rest from…well, pretty much everything. It's also kind of the best day off ever. One thing that I've learned about myself since doing the Be Amber thing is that when I set my mind to something, I like to go all out with it (whether that's always good for me or not…doesn't matter. If I'm being authentic, then that's simply just a part of how my brain works). So when I decide to take a day off, I really take a day off.

One of my favorite parts of Day of Rest is bringing myself coffee in bed. It's a rather tiny, kind of dumb thing that I thought of when I was putting together the whole #IAmtheOne thing…it's the small acts that become huge when I'm in a relationship, and #IAmtheOne is based on the realization that I wanted to start giving myself those things instead of wasting so much energy on missing/wishing for them. And one of those small acts is coffee in bed. It's kind of hard to explain, but I'm kind of that morning person whom, as soon as I wake up, I feel like I have to jump out of bed and get started on stuff right away (this is also why I've learned to not do meditation first thing in the morning, as it becomes more of a mental making of a to-do list in my head instead of anything else). Coffee in bed has always been this silent, subtle signal that I can slow down, I have plenty of time, I don't need to be anywhere or doing anything just yet.

And one of the things I love most in the entire world are the kind of coffee drinks that are, like, a thousand calories in every sip. I used to have one of those every damn day, until finally I realized, "Hey, you know who hates these type of drinks? My body." So in January I decided to make myself a deal: I eat really well during the week and forgo those drinks, but on my Day of Rest? All bets are off.

So on my Day of Rest, I sleep in for as long as I want, then I slip out of bed, throw on a pair of yoga pants (I know I could get away with going to Backroads in my pajamas, since I see everyone else and their moms do it on Sunday mornings, but it's still that one line that I just cannot ever bear to cross. And yes, sometimes I can't quite bring myself to leave the house without putting on a little makeup, either…it might be my Day of Rest, but making someone look at my face without having mascara on at the very least is just quite simply rude), run/shuffle across the street to Backroads, grab a mocha, and run/shuffle back home, where I quickly change back into my flannel pajamas, hop into bed, and act like I just woke up to find that a hot and creamy mocha has magically appeared on my nightstand.

And I spend the rest of the day just like that: Hanging out in bed, flipping through the latest US Weekly, Glamour, and Vogue magazines; reading all the internet articles I've bookmarked and saved to read on that day; catching up on my Netflix and favorite shows; devouring my newest Kindle selection; spending an hour or three on a phone date with a best friend…it is, quite frankly, the most lovely kind of day.

I also typically get really great bedhead hair out of the deal, too:



And the thing about it is, having that day of just total and complete laziness has made the rest of the week super crazy productive. It's kind of like diets and cheat days: When an article about why Kaley Cuoco should be my new best friend come across my feed, it makes it so much easier to stay on track when I know I can just bookmark and save that shiz to read on my Day of Rest. AND, it also motivates me to get *back* on track after the day of rest. I call it The Rule of the Gorge: Much like how stuffing myself with pizza and brownies makes me eager to return to my regular pattern of super clean eating, a whole day of sitting around in bed and being a total and complete lazy-ass gets me psyched to tackle my to-do list on Monday.

Like today. I jumped out of bed this morning and hit the ground running, ready and eager to return back to my regularly-scheduled program of all the things that keeps me jazzed during the week: Lots of writing, intense work, eating really clean, weights and yoga, meditation and journaling, etc. Instead of feeling annoyed that my weekend wasn't long enough or that I didn't enough to time to read, I'm ready. That day of hardcore chillaxation has made me totally prepared for some hardcore word-that-has-to-do-with-working-axation. It actually makes me happy for Mondays, which is one of the miracles of my present life.

I promise to never do that whole chipper "HAPPY MONDAY, EVERYONE!" thing, though. Even though I am a morning person, people who do that type of overly-energetic-loud-greeting type stuff first thing on Mondays and/or mornings make me want to face-punch them.

Because I mean…mediation makes me a better person and stuff, but it doesn't make me superhuman. And even if it did, pretty sure She-Ra would punch a person like that, too.

Believe it. 

We live in a wonderland.

Photo Credit: Erik Thue PhotographyMy friend and Constellation Studio partner, Erik, took this while traveling up to Two Harbors last weekend. It's Instagram shots like this that back me up in my assertion that everyone should follow this talented cat….your Facebook and Instagram feeds will be infinitely more gorgeous for it.

Now in full technicolor.

LIGHT/dark