The Season Premiere Recap of The Bachelor: Juan Is The Loneliest Number

ABC.comHappy new season, Bachelor Babies! Welcome to The Bachelor: Juan Has a Daughter.

This season, we will be watching 27 ladies compete for the love and affection of a former professional soccer player who also happens to be a single dad.

We will also be hearing (most of) these 27 ladies made repeated jokes about him being a "latin lover."

I know. I'm already tired of it, too, and the season's barely begun.

So! Let's make like a Bachelorette and jump into this hot tub!

If you didn't watch Sunday's episode "Countdown to Juan Pablo", you missed some stuff about the girls auditioning for the show, the producers "surprising" the new bachelorette babes, and a lot of really boring stuff about Juan Pablo's daughter and family.

Basically, to catch you up to speed:

Apparently when you audition for the show you get to meet both Chris Harrison AND Elan Gale, which means that I will be seeing ALL OF YOU next spring on the new season of The Bachelor! Seriously, though, some of the girls they interview are dumb, some are cute, some are funny, and all of them have great boobs. The End.

Then it's time to "surprise" the new bachelorettes and tell them they made it on the show:

The fact that I'm going to hate Lucy is confirmed when she's surprised by Chris and does a lot of jumping around like a 5 yr old and then tries on a dress for Chris Harrison and it's gross and I hate her.

Christy apparently lives with 15 girls in one house, so the Bachelor Mansion should be a yawn fest for her.

Elise looks like she got tipped off, because if that's what she wears when she's just hanging out at home, then I'm Liz Taylor.

Lauren is cute.

Alli is kind of a tomboy, and apparently has no problem going up to complete strangers in the park to talk about her love life.

Chelsie is kind of a weirdo.

Apparently none of these women have life commitments because they're all perfectly fine with the producers being all, "Pack your bags, we're leaving"… So weird when you also consider that they all also look completely camera-ready.

Lots of shots of girls yelling, "JUAN PABLO, I'M COMING FOR YOU!" Basically it feels like the producers really like Juan Pablo and are just trying to give him a preview of what it's going to be like every night in the Fantasy Suites.

Then we meet up with Juan Pablo and his daughter Camilla, who's cute, and then we have family fun time with Juan Pablo's family, where Juan Pablo and his dad cry about how much they're going to miss each other and it's super sweet and then his sister announces she's pregnant over Face Time and America is kind of like, "Wow, way to steal the spotlight from your brother, biznatch."

Then we have a Gia respective and I end up crying a little because Gia was awesome and one of my favorite people in the entire series of this show and deserved happiness more than anyone.

So that was super sad.

Now that we've had some feels, it's time for some shirtless moments between Juan Pablo and Sean!

(see what I did there? Sorry. Not good with the emotional stuff when it comes to The Bachelor)

The journey begins with Juan Pablo moving his family into a house near the Bachelor Mansion. I like this whole new "Hey, you have a kid? Bring 'em with" thing that they're doing now, but I bet Jason is reeeaaal pissed that he had leave HIS son home in Seattle. Anyway, Juan Pablo does a bunch of boring stuff with his daughter, and then Sean shows up to give him some advice, because as Juan Pablo says, "It's gonna get real."

Oh, is it? A series of extravagantly produced dates with some of the most beautiful single women in America is gonna get real? Things don't get real until you guys decide to spend the afternoon at the mall on the Saturday of Easter weekend, Juan Pablo. Things don't get real until one of you has to deal with slow internet or a dying laptop while trying to get a work assignment in at the last minute. Things don't get real until one of you is so sick with a cold or flu that it's disgusting just to hear that person breath. Okay, Juan Pablo? THAT'S REAL. THOSE THINGS are real. You getting to travel around the world to the most exotic locations in existence with multiple stunning, model-bodied women who want nothing more than to feel you inside of them is not fucking real. 

Anyway! So Sean and Juan Pablo sit down for a little man chat. Pablo confesses that he doesn't like the word "journey", which makes me like him even more, and Sean suggests that he say "adventure" instead.

Yeah. This convo gets super deep, you guys. Maybe brace yourself some shaking up of the world order as we know it…

They talk about how bad JP is with names, and then they talk about his kissing strategy. Sean gives him some sage advice on not kissing a girl in front of the other girls, and Juan Pablo nods slowly, taking it all in. Then they both take their shirts off and look into the camera and whisper, "Amber Carter, if only you had come on this show, everything would have been so much different for us. You come to us in our dreams…now…now you must come to us in real life."

And then I wake up to see Juan Pablo standing in the shower, soaping up his amazing body and it's like MY DREAMS are now MY REALITY.

"Okay, now we just want you to sit here and stare off into the sunset as you think about that person you loved who died or dumped you or whatever it is that your sad story is about."
tvfoodanddrink.comChris stands in front of the Bachelor mansion and and introduces himself like we don't already know who he is. Then it's more boring stuff about the girls.

Chelsie pokes her head through a bunch of wildflowers and I think she might be funny but she also seems like she's really annoying.

Renee is wearing an unfortunate bikini bottom, but she's beach girl pretty and a single mom and I think I'll probably end up liking her a lot.

Andi is a lawyer and at one point the producers make her stare awkwardly off into the sunset.

Amy J is a WEIRDO. Massage therapist, talks about wanting to find a man who wants to be rubbed by her. HAHAHAHAHAHA. There's a shot of her sitting in front of food and she calls out, "Juan Pablo, I made you breeaaakfaaaaasst!" Like he's her imaginary friend or something. It's hilarious and also kind of scary.

Nikki is a pediatric nurse. She's funny, cute (her dye job could use some work, though), and already a clear favorite with the producers.

Lauren's fiance dumped her and the producers make her sit and stare longingly at a wedding taking place across the bay. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Valerie is very competitive and would like America to know that she's very pretty and not afraid to scratch eyes out. She is not very pretty, which makes her whole spotlight totally hilarious.

Lacy comes from a family of 13, most of which is made up of kids with special needs. She opened her own elderly care facility and she's only 25. I love her and want to protect her from all the evils in the world until she says that you're not completely dressed without a smile on your face, and then I realize that she's the new Tenley, which doesn't make me dislike her, but it's kind of like those cupcakes that you get at the grocery store where the icing is soooooo soft and sweet that you suspect it's actually made from Soylent Green because nothing man-made can remain that soft for that long.

Clare's dad died of brain cancer. She sits at a bench in a park and tries really hard to look pretty while looking at pictures of her dad, because, you know, that's totally natural - who DOESN'T sit in the middle of a park looking at photos of their dead loved ones? Apparently her dad made a CD for her future husband, AND IT'S NEVER BEEN PLAYED, NOT ONCE, NOT YET.

Ugh. Can't even. Please welcome the new AshLee, everyone! Called it before the season even started.

Juan Leeemo, Two Leeemos, Three Leeemos…. 

Leeemo time! Juan Pablo shows up, looking debonair in his tuxedo. Amy L. is the first one out of the limo. At first look Juan says, “Hi. Wow.” - really soft and gentle, it’s super cute. Amy is super cute and really natural - “the sun could not go down fast enough!", etc. They seem to have a sweet connection right off the bat. He lets his gaze linger on her ass as she walks inside. 

Cassandra, former NBA dancer, is next. Sweet, quiet, doesn’t introduce herself, and there's some  (literally) cricket-type pauses. So awkward. 

Christy gets out, and Juan is immediately like, “You’re gorgeous!", It's actually kind of slimy, how often he keeps complimenting her on how hot she looks. They hug, and when she pulls away he even sneaks a peek at her cleave. COME ON, JUAN PABLO. You're wearing a tux. Act like it. 

Christine, "Police Support Specialist" is next. She looks stunning in an emerald dress. Instant attraction. She tells JP that she brought something for his daughter (smooth move): It's a bracelet, which is probably laced with poison. 

Nikki, our pediatric nurse, gets out next. Her dress is cute. "Dees leemo is on fiarrrrr!" JP says, when he sees her. She does this thing where she has him listen to her heart with a stethascope. Kind of cheesy  but also kind of convenient in the fact that she's giving him a built-in reason to stare at her boobs. When she walks away, JP turns to the camera, bites his fingers, and is like, “No more limos”. 

WELL TOUGH NEWS, JUAN PABLO, BECAUSE HERE COMES THE SECOND ONE, FULL OF SCREAMING LADIES. 

Kat is the first one out of the second limo. 

** Just as an aside, the best part about this part of the show is that we get to hear Juan Pablo say his name over and over again ***

Kat and Juan Pablo salsa because she tells him she's a dancer. It's kind of totally freaking hot to see him dance like that.

Chantel walks up in a tight cocktail dress and tries to act like Chantel is hard to say, and then uses some Spanglish. No comment. 

Lucy, the one that I hate, gets out.


previously.tv.comJuan Pablo is like, “Oh, how cuuuute”, the way that you would say to a puppy, and it was THE BEST. Lucy stomps up to him in her oversized First Communion dress like a 5-year-old trapped in a 25-year-old body and throws her arms around his neck. She tells him she didn’t wear shoes, because obviously, you guys. "Free Spirit" being her official occupation and all…

Victoria is from Brazil. Apparently, all ignorant mothas like myself, they speak Portuguese in Brazil and *not* Spanish there. Who knew?! 

Smart language people, probably. 

Danielle tells him she has a present waiting for him inside, which is a great way to get some Juan-on-Juan time. Nice work, Danielle.

Lauren S. rides up on a bike that has a PIANO on it. First she gets stuck on the bike, and then she starts to play some piano song and screws up, but her dress looks great, so who cares. She’s so nervous that she forgets to tell JP her name, so he sneaks inside like a burglar and interrupts the girls in their pre-wedding planning convos to find out. 

3rd Limo pulls up. Chelsie gets out and is SO HYPER. Does this whole science experiment thing and speed talks her way through it, like, “these goggles are for me not for you let's do a chemistry experiment you know what instead of doing chemistry why don’t we make some, yeah, okay, sound good?” Oy. Juan checks out her ass as she walks away. 

Valerie shows up wearing cowboy boots. She seems like the second coming of Courtney. 

Elise, the "I look like this just hanging out at home" gets out, introduces herself, yawn x 2.  

Ashley gets out wearing a great dress. Smokey voice! She might have some sex appeal after all! Gives him a gold star. 

Clare shows up with a pregnant belly, tells JP she wants to add to his family, and has him touch her belly. She starts laughing as he lays a hand on her stomach. “It’s so not real! it’s so not real!” REALLY, BITCH?! WHAT. THE. FUCK. 



Like, I can't even…it's crazy, it's super weird, and she acts like it's the most hilarious prank ever. Usually the girls wait until their first date to make the first tentative entrance into Psycholand, but apparently Clare believes in efficiency when it comes to spilling her crazy. 

Alli plays soccer with JP. Woot. 

Amy J shows up. She's still a weirdo. 

Renee walks up, tells JP she’s a “mommy” to her son Ben. JP says, “Bye mama” when she walks away, and it’s actually kind of hot?!

Lauren H. Eh. 

Maggie. GREAT southern drawl, gives him a fishing hook because she loves to go fishing with her family and hope he’ll be a great catch. Actually pretty clever. Also, I would probably pay her good money just to hear her talk some more. 

PUPPPY! IT'S A PUPPY!!! 

Kelly brings a puppy, whom she named Molly (WTF) and tells JP that "Molly" insisted on coming with. Is Molly really Kelly's soul trapped in a puppy's body? Do you think? Like kind of like in "The Little Memaid", where Kelly has to bring "Molly" with her everywhere she goes because some witch is now inhabiting Molly's *real* body? Or do you think it's like in the book/movie The Golden Compass, where Molly is Kelly's conscience or soul, and so Kelly has to bring her everywhere or she'll be soulless? 

Hmm. Because other than those theories or the fact that Molly is a therapy god, there is no logical fucking reason why Kelly brought (or was even allowed to bring) a dog with her. 

The 4th limo pulls up, and out walks Lacy/Tenley. She gives JP a bottle of something and tells him she knows that being around so many other girls could give him a headache, so she wants him to "take two of these and then think of me!" He takes two and she’s like, “They’re Red Hots! Remember to take 2 and think of me!!” like a overly exuberant 4-year-old. 

Alexis. Yawn.

Kylie steps out wearing an unfortunate pink pagent dress. Even I know redheads shouldn’t wear pink, Kylie. 


Sharleen. Opera singer. Stiff. Awkward. 
Andi is last, and she steps out and JP is like “OH MY GOSH.” She has a great voice, very natural chemistry. Not digging the ombre hair, but whatevs. She walks away and JP says, “OH MY GOSH” again. 

Cocktail Party

hiddenremote.comTime for the cocktail party! 

Just as an aside, who the fuck decorated the mansion this season? Because G.R.O.S.S. 

Unlike other seasons, the very first cocktail party kicks off with a dance party and a Photo Booth. Fun! Cute idea. Especially because every time Juan Pabo dances, an angel has an orgasm. 

Then he has some Juan-on-Juan time with some of the girls. Nikki asks him what he wants to know about her… "Well, first of all, your name." HAHAHAHAHA! JP keeps forgetting names, and it's hilarious. 

Renee and Juan Pablo talk more about their kids, and it's actually kind of cute. I like Renee so far. 

Lucy, the one I hate, tells us that the ones who are going to go home are the wall flowers, the ones who didn’t go “BAM, I’m here, I’m Lucy." She does this flirty thing with Juan Pablo where she gushes and says stuff like, “Do I look like I need any more confidence?!” and “Don't be nervous, be sure” and I want to smack her. SO HARD. Juan Pablo says the most hilarious thing all night: “Lucy is just crazy. She’s just so happy...like you guys say “happy camper” or something like dat?” and I seriously laugh for five minutes, just playing that part over and over again. 

Lucy puts her feet on his lap and tells him that she doesn’t really live anywhere, that she’s just kind of a drifter, and she doesn’t wear shoes because real hippies don’t wear shoes. Juan looks freaked out. AMERICA looks freaked out. 

Amy J., Massage Therapist, lead Juan out to a massage table, where she proceeds to put essential oil on her hands and then rubs it all over the back of his suit. Smart. Then she makes him take off his jacket and makes noises while she's rubbing his feet and it's like she literally having an orgasm while she's giving him a massage and it makes everyone in America so uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, Jilted At The Altar Lauren is freaking out and crying about the fact that it's not in her nature to be aggressive but she knows she has to be because she hasn't had any time with him yet. She basically has a breakdown and then tells JP why she's having a breakdown, basically breaking every single rule in the chapter, "So You're Going To Your Very First Bachelor Cocktail Party" in the Bachelor Handbook. 

“I hope I didn’t mess it up," she says, after. 

Well. Ya did. Nice knowing you, Lauren. Hope you get over that whole "my fiancé dumped me" thing soon. 

JP hangs out with Andi The Prosecutor, and they basically have a whole conversation about how much they DON'T like to read, which is fun. Alexis also has good sized breasts, which means that she's pretty much hitting JP on all of his Likes. They do have outstanding chemistry, I gotta say. Top 4 Pick for sure. 

Then it's time for Opera Singer Sharleen to come on the scene (see what I did there?). She's super stiff and formal. It's weird. JP keeps telling us that he thinks she's a keeper, meanwhile she's telling us, "eh". He goes and gives her the First Impression Rose, and is all, "I think she will be soooo excited!" She could not be LESS excited. For real. If I were one of the other girls there, I would be like, "WTF, Sharleen. See that door? Time for you to sing your way through it." 

Rose Ceremony Tyme

Rose Ceremony happens. There's one really hilarious moment when JP calls Chelsea's name and Kylie thinks he said her name, so she starts to walk toward him and the look on everyone's faces is PRICELESS. 




But that being said, I feel really bad for her because she ended up not getting a rose at all in the end. 

Ashley didn't get one, either,

 Lacy, 


Valerie (HAHAHAHAHA. Guess you're not such a pretty girl AFTER ALL, VALERIE), 

Maggie,

Lauren H.,

Pretty-Emerald-Dress Christine, 

Weirdo Amy J. 

And some girl no one knew of called Alexis: 

And that's IT, Bachelor Babies! 

Tune in next time for the recap of Episode 2! 

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