Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 26

Remembrance.

I almost never look at these photos...I could probably count on one hand the number of times in the past ten years I've taken them out. I still have the mental snapshots, and they are clearer and more precise than any of these. I could measure out for you, with my hands, the exact span of his hips, the width of his chest, the circumference of his arms. I can still exactly remember the timbre of his voice as if I had just heard it yesterday. I still catch myself imitating his body language, his mannerisms, and even some of his sayings…they've become such a part of me by now that sometimes I have to remind myself whom I got them from.

Today his sister Heidi posted on Facebook that she's making the blueberry muffins that he always loved. A family friend commented that that was such a nice way to honor him, and that she was sure Hansel was smiling down from heaven as Heidi whipped them up. And for the first time since we lost him, I felt…happy, at that thought, instead of the old rage and despair that would ordinarily have risen up because he is no longer a part of this world. Not that I haven't been weeping all day…it gets easier in some ways and it never gets easier in others, you know? Because out of everything, that is still the thing that can bring me to my knees the way it did ten years ago: I just want him to still be somewhere in this world. Even if it's all the way across it, even if I never got to see him or talk to him again…I just want to know that he's here, somewhere, still living a life.

It took a long time to get to the point where I could be anywhere around his sisters or his parents and not want to burst into tears with every other word, but this December, I finally reached it. And I'm so grateful for it. I used to be terrified that hearing their voices or seeing their faces would plunge me back into that deep, dark abyss, but it doesn't anymore. I ran into his parents at my favorite coffeeshop in the middle of a Saturday afternoon a handful of weeks ago, and I was struck by how much they still feel like a second family. And his sisters… I will always be grateful for them, and for the bond we will always share, but this last time, when I met up with them over Christmas, it felt more like we were old friends instead of fellow survivors. And I'm really happy for that. I'm grateful.

Ten years ago today, my life changed forever. Cataclysmically. There is nothing, besides my family and my two best friends, that would look the same if we hadn't lost Hansel that day. And every anniversary since, I've been anticipating this one with a mix of hope, dread, and relief. It's only been ten years. It's already been ten years. But ten years seems to put a sort of a cap on it, if that makes any sense. For the first half, this day meant that things were still getting worse instead of better...then, in the last half, it was getting better so I didn't want this day to make it worse. The past couple of years have been remarkable for healing and gaining peace, and now, finally, I can feel happy for things. I can feel happy for blueberry muffins. I can feel happy for old pictures and my ring and his notes. I can feel happy for how handsome he was, and how fun, and all the ways we fell so deeply in love with each other. I can feel happy for people's comments about him smiling down from heaven. I can enjoy his family and friends for the good memories they bring, and for both the old and new meanings they hold in my life.

Ten years ago plus a day, I told my mom through my sobs that I didn't think I would ever be okay again. I'm glad that I was wrong. I will always wish that he was still here, and I will never not cry when I realize that wish will never come true. But I'm glad that I was wrong.

The Candida Diaries: Day 7

Keeeeefiiiiiiiiiiiir.
Weigh-in: 201.4

Today I felt really, really good. High energy, happy, more excited about what I *can* have than what I can’t. 

Case in point: This morning I tried Kefir for the first time. I added in half a cup of roasted flax seeds, a tablespoon of ground chia seeds, and topped it off with some roasted almonds and hazelnuts. The first two or three bites...well, it’s an acquired taste. 

But by the time I finished, I had acquired the taste for it.

The only real challenge I faced today was finding a way to get my calorie intake to 1200. I honestly feel like I’m stuffing my face all day long, and still I’m falling 300-100 below 1200. Finally, at the end of the night, I made myself eat a handful of nuts just so I could get into the -100 range. 

My level of energy overall, though, is getting much better. The first part of the week, it felt like I needed a lot of rest and couldn't possibly take on any extra exercise, but today I felt good enough to do some stretching yoga, which was fantastic. It's crazy to think that I'm at the 7 day mark (and that I've lost almost 12 pounds since my diagnosis). Now that my energy is starting to return, I do feel better - I haven't experienced any brain fog, I feel healthier, and the cravings are getting a little easier. I'm seriously hoping that, in the next few weeks, I'll start to experience what I used to call The India Effect: Where I'll start to crave the food I'm eating day in and day out, whether or not it was my preference in the beginning (i.e., toward the end of my stay in India, I found myself waking up and craving rice for breakfast). 

Onward. 

-------------------------
Catch up, half-pint: 

Candida overgrowth, which (not to be dramatic) is pretty much the worst thing ever

The Candida Diaries: Pre-Day

The Candida Diaries: Day 1 

The Candida Diaries: Day 2

The Candida Diaries: Day 3

The Candida Diaries: Day 4

The Candida Diaries: Day 5 

The Candida Diaries: Day 6

The Candida Diaries: Day 6

Weigh-in: 203

I didn’t gain weight from the greek yogurt, which is a good sign that the dairy in it isn’t adverse for me, but I also only went down about a half pound (.8). 

I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous to be worried about *only* going down half a pound overnight. And for me, right now, it’s not a weight thing (I mean, it is nice, after two years of stagnant results and epic frustration)...it’s a data thing. One of the things I learned from The Plan is that, when you’re eating foods that are good for your body and you’re not injesting a lot of sugar and carbs, your body is going to respond quite quickly. Hence, if you’re overweight, it’s typical to lose about a half-pound to pound a day in the initial stages. When you test a food that’s adverse for you, your body responds in several ways, and one of those ways is weight gain or a plateau. 

So just in case my body isn't ready for the greek yogurt or nuts, I stuck to the veg and protein - especially since it's my #DayofRest, so keeping it nut/dairy free is probably a good way to let my body rest on the inside, too. 

Plus, I had an amazing breakfast frittata to try today, mainly because I'm so fancy. 

Onion, Asparagus, & Pepper Frittata TheUltimateCandidaDiet.com
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil2 garlic cloves1/2 onion, diced4 asparagus stalks, chopped3 bell peppers, sliced6 organic eggssea salt and white pepper to taste
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees

2. Heat olive oil in an oven-safe skillet over medium heat. Cook the onions for about 15 min, stirring occasionally, then add the garlic and cook for another minute or two. 

3. Add the asparagus and 1 to 2 tablespoons of water and cook for about 3 minutes. Add the peppers, cooking for another minute or two, depending on how you feel. 

4. In the meantime, show those eggs who's boss by cracking them into a large bowl. Season it with salt and pepper, you maniac, and then whisk everything together while pretending like you are God and the eggs are a hurricane. 

5. Add the contents of the skillet to the bowl of eggs, stir it up like Brandi Glanville at a RHOBH dinner party, and return the whole hot mess to the skillet. Cook for a few minutes until the edges whiten.

6. Stick the skillet in the over and tell it to stay there for 10-20 minutes, until the eggs are fully cooked.

7. Congratulate yourself for making something with a such fancy name. 

-------------------------
Catch up, half-pint: 

Candida overgrowth, which (not to be dramatic) is pretty much the worst thing ever

The Candida Diaries: Pre-Day

The Candida Diaries: Day 1 

The Candida Diaries: Day 2

The Candida Diaries: Day 3

The Candida Diaries: Day 4

The Candida Diaries: Day 5 

The Bachelor Episode 3 Recap: The Pool Party Made of Sweet, Sweet, Salty Tears...

The real highlight of the episode. Can we just see more of these people, please? Especially the one second in from the right. DAMN.Hullllooooo, Bachelor Babies! Welcome to the episode 3 recap of The Bachelor: Juan Pablo Has a Daughter. 

Before we begin, I have to just get a few things off my chest:

First, I'm not having as much fun with this season as I thought I would. Instead of being a suave, sexy, smooth operator, Juan Pablo is starting to seem like a total dork: 


See?Also, not amused with his recent comments about gay people being featured on the franchise (even though, to be fair, the reporter who asked? HELLO, we haven't even had a remotely ethnic Bachelor or Bachelorette yet. Progressive is not a term that The Bachelor franchise knows as a verb).

But whatever. Most or some of us have all been ignorant at one point or another…hopefully this will be a teaching moment for him. 

Also: I watched The Bachelor: Love Stories on Sunday, and I have to say….MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SEASON so far. I LOOOOOVED that special. Mostly just because of the Jason and Molly and Sean and Catherine bits...still dislike Des, still loathe Deanna (though her husband is awesome), and can we all just come clean and finally admit that Trista and Ryan are pretty much the most boring people ever?! I would like to vote for a spin-off featuring Molly and Jason's and Sean and Catherine's everyday life. Those couples are straight up adorable magic. 

Anyway, let's get to the pool party of tears, shall we? Jump right in…the water is filled with anxiety, self-doubt, low self-esteem, manipulation, cattiness, and covert kissing! 


Sorry. Just a little motivation to get me through this episode...
The episode begins with Kelly telling us how lucky she feels to be here. Nikki, meanwhile, wants a date just so she can get out of the house. 

Oh, the differing worlds of these complex Bachelorettes! 

Chris arrives, wearing an awful shirt, and announces that this week there will be one group date and two Juan-on-Juans. Dropping the first Juan-on-Juan card on the table, Chris books it out of there, unable and unwilling to spend another second in the same room as crazy Lucy. 

Cassandara gets the first Juan-on-Juan date. The card reads, "Love is a wild ride." OMG WHAT COULD IT MEAN?!?!  Renee tells America that this is a big date for both Cassandra and Juan Pablo. As you may recall, Cassandra and JP had convo in the last episode about the fact that Cassandra doesn't want to be away from her son any longer that she needs to, and JP promised her that if he didn't think there was potential between them, he would send her packing straight away. 

It's a car! It's a boat! It's a yacht! It's a kitchen! It's a campfire! 

Juan picks up Cassandra in some type of car/jeep. Cassandra tells us that she hasn't had a first date since she was 18 years old. Juan tells us that he knows Cassandra loves the water, and he feels like she has to give her what she wants. 

I like that. I like that a man actually feels like he has to give a woman what she wants.  

Meanwhile, Renee and Elise talk to each other about why they came on the show. Renee talks about being a single mom, and Elise tells her (and us) about her mom and how she wrote a letter nominating Elise for the show, but she never got to send it. 

BECAUSE SHE DIED. SHE DIED A HORRIBLE DEATH FROM MELANOMA, SO THANKS FOR BRINGING IT UP, RENEE. 

Luckily, Elise found the letter her mom wrote, and so now this whole season's purpose is basically about Elise's mom's dying wish for her daughter to be on The Bachelor. 

Let us not mock the wishes of the dead, my friends. 'Tis not kind. 

Back at the date, the jeep turns into a boat. Because it's a water car! Cassandra tells us again that she hasn't been on a first date in three years. Then they climb onto a yacht, and then they somehow end up at his house, cooking. Cassandra takes a look at the drawing that Camilla has done - she's drawn rainbows! Maybe Juan Pablo's daughter a lot more comfortable with gay people being on The Bachelor than Juan Pablo is… Cassandra tells us, yet once again, that this is her first date in three years. 

BIG FUCKING DEAL, CASSANDRA. WELCOME TO THE ADULT WORLD OF DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS. YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME. SOME OF US HAVE GONE FIVE YEARS SINCE A FIRST DATE. SOME OF US HAVE GONE TEN. SOME POOR SUCKERS OUT THERE HAVE GONE THIRTY YEARS. SHUT. THE EFF UP. ABOUT IT ALREADY. 

Anyway, Cassandra seems nervous, so Juan Pablo gets her to dance with him. I notice she's a little stiff, and she seems just a touch too low energy for Juan Pablo, but then I also notice her ass. TOTES BANGIN', Y'ALL. 



Whatever you're doing on the body end, Cassandra baby, just keep doing it. 

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, it's time to read off the group date card. In the running for my #2 Least Favorite is Catty Kelly, who tells us that she doesn't think she can stand another group date with ten other girls. "The last time I was on a date, I got a rose, so…that should mean something, right?"

No. No, it doesn't. It just meant that Juan Pablo felt sorry for you because you had to look like a giraffe alien for the photo shoot:



And also, HAHAHAHA, Catty Kelly ended up on the group date again! HAHAHAHA. The reading of the group date card also means that Elise and Chelsie are up for a Juan-on-Juan.

Back at the date, Cassie and Juan Pablo are sitting by the campfire, looking at each other’s kid photos. Cassie tells him that she’s having a really great time and she really likes being with him. Which, to be totally honest, I thought was going to lead in to Juan Pablo being like, "So yeah. Not working for me. See ya!" But instead he gives her the date rose. She accepts. They kiss. He rolls his R's and says, "Ayyyye Cassandra."

Which, to be honest, might end up being the only reason why I keep watching this show: Just to hear him roll his R's like that. Oy. 

Anodda Team Competition Group Date Because This Is The Bachelor So Why Would We Do Anything Different From The Last 18 Seasons





The group date with Juan Pablo playing soccer with a bunch of Galaxy teamsters. This is pretty much the best part of the episode.

Just…give me a minute…

Okay! So anyway, the limo full of girls pull up to the stadium. The girls walk up to Juan Pablo, wearing different colored yet oddly color- complementary tank tops. 



I wonder what the date is going to be!!!!

I won't even insult your intelligence with the answer. 

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Clare and Cassandra are talking about the group dates, and Elise and Chelsie are talking about the Juan-on-Juan date. Elise thinks that Chelsie is cute but that she seems young, so Elise thinks that since Juan Pablo is looking for a step mom to his daughter (great. How romantic), and her and JP have such a connection (when did this happen?) that Elise is going to be the one who gets the Juan-on-Juan date. 

Back at the group date, the Blue Team shows up on the field, all cute and sprightly. Red Team walks out, trying to look tough but really they just end up looking like total dorks. Cute gold sports bras! Blue scores the first goal, and then a bunch of sport stuff happens, including Sharleen getting kicked in the head, like, a billion times, and then Blue team apparently suck so hard that Juan Pablo has to join them to help them out, and then Red team wins. 

And that stunningly detailed play-by-play, my friends, is why I consider myself next line for Erin Andrews' crown. 

Anyway! They all pop champagne, and unlike the last hundred seasons, the losing team doesn't have to go home, which is nice for the girls but not for the viewers, because The Trip Back Home To Loserville Mansion always meant pure solid viewing gold in terms of tears and delusional drama. 

It's Group Date Fancy Time! Juan looks hot, Danielle looks like a hot mess, and Lucy is wearing high top wedge sneakers with her dress. 

The alone time on this date is pretty boring…EXCEPT FOR THE MOST AWKWARD KISS IN THE HISTORY OF BACHELOR KISSES. 

It happened between Sharleen and Juan Pablo:




And here was my Twitter feed's reaction to it in Real Time: 




Back where no one's awkwardly kissing anybody - we think, anyway - Elise basically thinks she’s got the Juan-on-Juan date card in the bag. She continues to talk smack about Chelsie, telling us, “I just don’t know if she’s ready to be a stepmom. She just seems like a baby to me.” 

So when the Juan-on-Juan date card comes and it's for Chelsie? Elise's reaction is PRICELESS: 
<iframe width="644" height="362" src="http://abc.go.com/embed/VDKA0_e0hbm61z" frameborder="0"></iframe>

That’s some serious chronic resting bitch face, Elise. 

Back at the group date, Sharleen continues to be so cerebral and dry that she reminds me of an honor student who would rather attend a dinner party with her parents than go to a school dance with her classmates.  

The girls see them kiss and get a little up in arms about it, even though almost all of them except Nikki already snoshed with the guys. 

In the end, the only girl who didn't suck face with Juan Pablo, Nikki, gets the date rose. Andi feels upset, and wonders if her make out with Juan Pablo didn't mean anything (Nope. It sure didn't!). Sharleen doesn’t feel secure in her connection with Juan Pablo now, either - it both surprises and bothers her that she feels as much as she does. She is also very concerned about the complexity involved in isolating the generic disparity that is shown in children who come from mothers who don't dance. 

Oh, What? A Date Idea Involving "Facing Your Fears" and "Taking a Risk" and "Jumping Into The Unknown Together"? God, finally...it's the third episode already!

Chelsie’s Juan on Juan date card read, “Chelsie, do you trust me?" Which means that anyone could bet a billion dollars on the fact that it means that they'll be jumping off something ridiculously high together. 

Meanwhile, On Delusional Island, Elise tells us that, after Juan Pablo apologized to her for not having a date today (which to America sounded like, "Oh, yeah…sorry, loser"), "Juan Pablo didn't go right to Chelsie today, he went right to me." Then she continued with some more garbled nonsense about how Chelsie probably got picked for the date because Juan already knows there's something there between Elise and him, and that he probably needs to figure out if there's something there with Chelsie, and if "he needs that time to figure it out, then okay," she says, acting like she's being generous to *let* him go on a date with another girl.

JP plays music for Chelsie on the way to the date. Stop playing spanish music for everyone, Juan Pablo! Barely anyone likes it! Chelsie kind of bounces around like a dork while Juan Pablo sings along. I'm not going to agree with Elise on the stepmom thing, but I DO think that, while Cassandra might be a little too low-energy for Juan Pablo, Chelsie might be a little too high energy. Plus, I just don't see a lot of sexual chemistry there. 

Meanwhile, Elise keeps talking some straight-up trash about Chelsie to everyone who will listen. She keeps playing the "stepmom" card. ELISE. THAT IS NOT ALL THAT JUAN PABLO IS LOOKING FOR. And quite frankly, I can't see Elise being mature enough to be a stepmom, either, SO SHUT YER MOUTH, ELISE. 

JP and Chelsie go to a Venezuelan restaurant, and the food does look pretty good. Then they go for a walk, holding hands, and whaddya know! They walk right onto a big high bridge where there's a bungee cord set up juuuuust for them! 


Chelsie freaks out. JP tries to comfort her. He keeps telling her that they don’t have to do this, that it’s not going to ruin the day if she can’t jump. She starts crying a little, and we all think she's going to chicken out, but then she decides to do it. They jump, and kiss in mid-air (and I get horrible, horrible flashbacks of Jake and Vienna). "You don’t top that," Chelsie gushes. "That is the epitome of building a relationship: jumping off a bridge together. I think if we can jump off a bridge together, we can pretty much get through anything." Yeah. The producers know that. That's why they make all the bachelors do it on a date. 
Fancy dinner date time! Juan’s biggest fears is not being an example for his daughter. Chelsie’s fear is not being happy. My fear is that I'm going to fall asleep in the middle of this episode. 

Once again, Elise is talking smack to everyone about Chelsie being a kind of a baby ("I mean, she's totally cute! She's adorable!" - nice save, there, Elise). IS EVERYONE A BROKEN RECORD TONIGHT? FIRST WITH CASSANDRA AND HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE SHE'S BEEN A FIRST DATE, AND NOW WITH THE ELISE AND CHELSIE BEING A BABY THING. EVERYBODY SHUT UP, GO TO BED, AND DREAM SOME ORIGINAL DREAMS.

Back at the date, Chelsie gets a rose, then music starts playing! OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!?!? "I have a pretty cool surprise for her," Juan Pablo tells us. No, Juan Pablo, THE PRODUCERS and THE NETWORK, who also owns a MUSIC COMPANY, has a pretty cool surprise for her. Anodda private concert, this time by someone actually good (Billy Currington)

No, Catty Kelly, her crotch would be in his face if his head were turned the other way. 



The next day, JP shows up at the mansion before all the girls wake up to make them breakfast. Catty Kelly gets up to let her dog Molly out (by the way, her occupation is "Dog Lover". I hate her *almost* as much as I hate Lucy) and freaks. Beach Babe Renee, on the other hand, strolls into the kitchen without a stitch of makeup on and is totally chill about it. Danielle also kind of strolls in, too (I WANT to say something mean here, but something tells me that Danielle is a super sweet spirit and so I can't). Clare's boobs come bouncing in and Juan Pablo tells us that “Clare looked really good in peeyamas." She sure did, Juan Pablo. When they're free to reign, those boobs deserve a show of their own... 

He makes breakfast for everyone, then he comes into the living room and clinks his glass and acts like Chris, which was actually super cute. He tells them that he had such a fun time with them this morning that he had an idea: Why not, instead of a cocktail party later that evening, have a pool party instead? 

So everyone gets in their bikinis and starts frolicking around the pool, and Juan Pablo tells us, “Dis is a great day to be de Bach-EL-or!" Of course it is! You get to essentially spend the entire day staring at all of the bachelorettes while they run around without bras on. 

At the pool party, Kat is trying just a little too hard. She declares to America that she's going to "position herself well,", which apparently means hopping on top of JP's shoulders so that her crotch is nestled against his neck. 




Catty Kelly gets super catty once again, saying that Kat looks like a whore and that it's annoying that Kat has to always be in front of him and sidled up to him all the time. And honestly, even though I think Catty Kelly goes a bit too far in calling others whores, it does look like Kat is being super annoying. Plus, Kat reminds me of that girl from high school who would be pretty if she didn't paint on the Bonne Bell foundation and Wet 'n' Wild makeup and who over-uses her boobs and sexuality just a bit too much to get the guys, and even better/worse, thinks that all the guys like her when really they just know she's an easy lay. 

Basically, she's kind of the epitome of a ButHerface. 

Then it's more craziness, as Sharleen, Andi, and Nikki talk about the possibility that they could be going home tonight, which is hilarious because they are probably the three girls who are most in lock for the Top 4, and they're worried about going home. 

Both Nikki, Sharleen, and Clare get weepy about where they stand with Juan Pabo. Nikki cries a little during her time with Juan Pablo, then Sharleen cries a little bit during her time with Juan Pablo, and then Clare has a breakdown in the bathroom about being on a great date with him and then having almost no time with him after that (which, even though I'm not loving Clare, I have to admit that would honestly be tough). She just wants him to say something to her like, hey, we'll get some time together later, etc, and she'd feel so much better. So she finds JP and they have some one on one time, and she decides to be the third girl that afternoon to tell him about how had this is. 

Because it's a pool party, right? Everybody cries at a pool party! 
Rose Ceremony

Rose Ceremony begins, and they keep showing shots of a girl we haven't seen since the very first "Countdown to Juan Pablo" episode - blonde Christie from Chicago. Like, we literally haven't heard ANYTHING from her - no interviews, no time with Juan Pablo, NOTHING.

So of course she's going home. 

In the end, it's down to Christie, Danielle, and Lucy, andDanielle gets the last rose. Really?! Danielle? I mean…she seems sweet, but…really?! 

Goodbye, Christie. We - literally  - hardly knew ye.


LUCY’S GONE HAHAHAHA. Except that I was kind of starting to like her. 

Oh well. 

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The Candida Diaries: Day 5

Weigh-in: 203.8

Today is the day of new recipes! 

I spent most of the morning digging through The Ultimate Candida Diet Program and The Ultimate Candida Recipe Book. Because I decided to skip the detox/Phase 1, there is a lot that I was surprised that I can have - like almonds and hazelnuts, and even plain yogurt (if it contains probiotics) - so that was pretty damn exciting. The program even advises that eating plain yogurt or kefir loaded with live cultures and probiotics can speed up my progress:


Eating the right dairy product can really speed up your Candida treatment. Plain, unsweetened yogurt is a great probiotic that will help to replenish the ‘good bacteria’ in your gut. The same goes for Kefir, a milk-based drink that is much like yogurt… Make sure that any yogurt or kefir that you buy contains live probiotic cultures. You might notice that it contains lactose, a sugar that would normally feed your Candida. Don’t worry about this, the quantities of lactose in properly fermented yogurt are very small. If you are lactose-intolerant, you can buy yogurt and kefir made from goat or sheep milk. 
This is both awesome and a little anxiety-inducing: I miss the versatility of greek yogurt (smoothies! quick breakfast or snack! stand-in for sour cream!) but the thought of doing dairy this soon in makes me a bit nervous. The other delightful surprise was finding out that I can eat avocados (even though they're technically a fruit). 

The grocery store was actually pretty fun. We don't have a huge organic section in our local grocery store, but the section that we do have is pretty great, and I was surprised with some of the choices I had (although: More fresh organic produce, please, Marketplace. 'Cause that's where it counts)

Look upon thy spoils and treasure!  I'm going to put this on my phone to show people so I can brag about how healthy I am now.Today was also the day of trying out some of the new recipes I discovered. Because I am a planner, and I know better than to wait to make something at the last minute. 

For instance, I made Turkey & Brussels Sprout Meatballs, but modified it to exclude quinoa (still a nay for me) and skipped the red sauce (mostly because I was too lazy to make it at that point).


Turkey & Brussel Sprout Meatballs 

The Ultimate Candida Diet2 tbsp olive oil1 medum onion, small diced1 cup finely chopped fresh Brussels sprouts4 cloves garlic, minced and divided1 lb ground turkey1 egg, beatendried basil, oreganoSalt and pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 400 F. Line your precious baking sheet with foil, because it's easy clean-up and then your meatballs won't stick to your pan and cause you minutes of messy anquish.
Place medium skillet over medium heat. Add yer oil followed by the onions and Brussels sprout and cook 'em until tender. Add the garlic and cook for a minute, then set aside the whole mess to cool.
In a large bowl, combine the turkey, egg, and sprout mixture and stir gently and lovingly. And however much salt and pepper you want. Scoop out a meatball size ball and plop it on your pan - do this 16 times and you're golden. Bake those delicious meatballs until they’re no longer pink...about 15-17 minutes.And then devour 'em. You don't even need to use a fork! Who cares? Nobody's around! It's YOUR kitchen, innit? You're an ADULT, ain't cha?! Do what you want!  
Then I made some roasted almonds and hazelnuts to go along with my probiotic shiz. 


Amber's Roasted Almond & Hazelnuts Mix


Put some almonds and hazelnuts on a pan. Spread 'em around so they have some space and don't feel crowded. 
Sprinkle some cinnamon on them. 
Bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes, until you can smell a nutty aroma. 
Take them out and let them cool. 
You're welcome. 
I ended the day with the Turkey & Sprouts Meatballs and rounded it out with greek yogurt and the roasted nut mix. Was a little nervous about it, though, so I put my The Plan testing skills to the test: I had a small amount - about 1/3 cup of yogurt with some nuts sprinkled on top to jazz things up. 

After about 15 minutes, my stomach started growling constantly, and I couldn’t figure out if it was because the probiotic was working or because I was having some kind of inflammatory reaction to it. But this is also why I weigh myself every day: The scale is a good indicator of whether or not a certain food is going to slow down progress. At this point it’s either the greek yogurt or the nuts. If it’s the greek yogurt, I can still try the kefir, and if that gives an adverse response, then I’ll just get a probiotic supplement. If it's the nuts, then…well, nuts. 

I’ve also started logging my eats in myfitnessplan.com. Today I was under - 946 calories. But I also wasn’t hungry? Like, at all…so I had a few more almonds and hazelnuts to get that calorie count up to 12,000. So that was interesting, to realize that I could eat all day and not be hungry and still be well under 12,000 (as opposed to the old days of Chipotle, when I could have one meal and log, like, 25,000 calories). 

I miss you, Chipotle. I still love you, you know. None of this will change that. We might not be able to be together ever again - at least, not like we once were - but I will never stop loving you. Never. 

*whispers* Never…

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Catch up, half-pint: 

Candida overgrowth, which (not to be dramatic) is pretty much the worst thing ever

The Candida Diaries: Pre-Day

The Candida Diaries: Day 1 

The Candida Diaries: Day 2


The Candida Diaries: Day 3

The Candida Diaries: Day 4

The Candida Diaries: Day 4

Weigh-in: 204.8

Today I woke up excited, knowing that I was over the initial 3-day hump. From past experience I know that the first 3 days of modifying your diet are always the hardest…but after you get past that tri-chunk, it seemslike the body is getting wise to the new haps and isn't being such a brat about stuff anymore. 
So Day 4! Day 4 of...3-6 months left...

Ah well. DAY 4! 

Today my goal was to hit my local health food store and search for fun teas. Some of the recommended herbal teas on this thing are dandelion ("I'ma call you DAN-DE-LION"), ginger, and cinnamon. Other herbal teas are cool, too, as long as they don't contain black or green tea or any caffeine. 

I pass our little health food store on Main every time I go to the post office, but I hadn't ventured inside of it in years. I walked in and mentally punched myself - this place is GREAT! Tons of Fair Trade and organic foodstuffs and sundry. To my delight, I discovered that they have a really great tea selection…lots of organic herbal teas, and even a great selection of locally grown bulk herbal teas. After spending about an hour studying all the promising ones, I settled on a really good cinnamon one that looked promising: 


I guess you could call this a super diet...While in the store, I also realized that I needed to do more research on probiotic products. I kind of thought that I could just walk in there and be like, "Probiotics, please" and the lady would offer up one perfect one, all shining and glimmering in the light, like the holy grail or something. But nope - there were a TON of choices, so I decided to hold off until I could consult my textbook on the best ones for my particular situation. 


So that was fun. Then I headed to the brewpub for a double shift - we're in the midst of our busy winter season, which I'm excited about because it makes the day/night more fun, but WHOA…talk about operating from some super low energy. One of our best dishes at the brewpub - and one of the few things I can still eat - is our roasted brussel sprouts (I get them plain now, even though they are SO AMAZING with usual gorgonzola and dried cranberries. *whimper*). I ordered a bowl of them before my shift, knowing that I was going to be running around and would need something to stave off the hunger pains. Yet I would eat a mouthful of sprouts and then it was as if my body had used up that fuel within five minutes. 
So I was dragging pretty much all afternoon, which was tough. 

And then one my favorite coworkers brought in a huge bag of Valentine's Day themed chocolate candy - mini Snickers, Hershey's Kisses, Rolos… - to share with everyone.

I seriously would've shanked her if she wasn't one my favorite people in the world. Watching my coworkers stuff their faces with Snickers while I struggled to keep my stomach from eating itself…I now know the depth of my strength, my friends. And it is wide and it is deep. 

After that looooooong day, I came home, threw together a huge plate of vegetables and grilled chicken, and then took a really long, really hot bath. I realized that, along with looking at my weight as data, I needed to start tracking my calorie intake so I can make sure that I'm hitting at least 1200 calories (and at least 1500 on brewpub days, since, according to my Noom Walk app, I'm logging at least 5 miles in steps each shift). That's been the interesting thing with this candida diet so far - I feel like I'm eating all the time, but since I'm eating a ton of vegetables - which are low in calories - I have to be careful about supplementing them with adequate protein in order to make sure I'm giving my body enough energy to do what it needs to do. 

So anyway, that was my day. Ready for total recipe adventure on Day 5?! I know you are, friend! Me, too, buddy…me, too. *hugs*

-------------------------
Catch up, half-pint: 

Candida overgrowth, which (not to be dramatic) is pretty much the worst thing ever

The Candida Diaries: Pre-Day

The Candida Diaries: Day 1 

The Candida Diaries: Day 2

The Candida Diaries: Day 3

The Candida Diaries: Day 3

Don't even think about making that joke. Weighed in at: 206.4

Today I felt a lot better. Sprightly. Still woke up with some muscle tightness and congestion, both of which are annoying, and still really missing the coffee. Today and tomorrow I’m going to do some research on teas and other drinks that I can replace coffee with. I don’t feel affected by the lack of caffeine...I just want something fun to look forward to in the morning. But overall, I felt good and bounced out of bed, ready for the day. 

Also in my detox blinding headache fog yesterday, apparently I put the eggs in the freezer instead of the fridge. At first I thought an egg bandit had come in during the night and taken them - I seriously stood in front of my open fridge for, like, 5 minutes, dumbfounded about where my eggs had gone - but then on a whim I checked the freezer and bam - there they were! So weird. High-fives to brain power, me…

So since my eggs were frozen, I made some flax granola for breakfast. I first learned how to make this while reading The Plan , and it's one of the very few non-veg non-meat substances that is okay for me to have on this stage of the diet. It also really, really helps with digestion and keeping things moving smoothly on the inside. Also, I always have a stupid craving for a warm bowl of GrapeNuts whenever the weather gets colder, but since it's chock full of stuff that's not rad for my body, this is really great substitute.

Here's how I make my version of flax granola:

Grab yerself 2 cups of raw, whole, and preferably organic flax seeds.

Soak that 2 cups in 1 cup of water

Mix in cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, or pumpin spice…whatever gets you psyched. You can also use vanilla extract (make sure it's non-alcohol extract), but I've used it and haven't noticed an impact in taste by using it. 

If you're on the anti-candida diet and you're clear to eat nuts, g'head and throw in almonds, walnuts, or hazelnuts to the mix, too - soaking (and later roasting) them with the flax will help remove any mold they might be holding.

Refrigerate it overnight or during the day, depending on when you wanna bake it. 

When you're ready, preheat your oven at 275.
Spread a thin layer of your granola mix on the baking sheet and bake for 50 minutes to an hour, turning the mix several times - like, every 10 to 15 minutes - dry it out.  

And then enjoy, betch. You just made yourself some homemade granola that's deliciously crunch, sugar-free, and is basically magical for on cleaning your body. 

If you're not on the anti-candida diet, I encourage you to enjoy a bowl of this granola with some almond or rice milk and blueberries or peach slices. You will seriously wake up craving it the next day. 

Anyway! So I made that and then ate a cup of it plain, since rice milk is still out. 

Unlike everything else since starting this adventure, it was actually better than it sounds. 

The detox headache hit again around noonish. I worked through some of it, then it got to the point where I decided to try to take a quick nap. No go. So I laid in bed and pulled out my laptop and leisurely did some work, and the headache started to ease up around 3 in the afternoon, just in time for me to get dressed and ready to spend my night encouraging intoxication via beer for the general and incoming public.

One of my favorite parts of the day was having to tell the people I work with at the brewpub about my diagnosis (mostly because I didn't want my cook friends to think I was turning into a high-maintenance biznatch when I ordered food), and realizing that the people who knew anything remotely about candida automatically assumed that it meant that I had tons of yeast infections. 

For the record, everything's always been totally fresh on that end.

Fresh like a flower, in fact, just in case you were wondering. Fresh like a rose…or maybe an orchid, since I'm so exotic…or, maybe even like a pink lady slipper, which is the state flower of Minnesota, which means you can get arrested if you pick one, which is kind of like me - you try to make wise with this flower and you're in for some serious trouble, pal!

Anyway. 

It is a common symptom of candida overgrowth for women, but if I'm lucky for anything with this diagnosis, it's that that and other symptomatic infections weren't part of my body health bag.

So that was kind of it. An exciting day of eggs in the freezer, flax granola making, detox headache cursing, yeast infection denying, and alcohol-consumption enabling. Oh yeah, and my goal for Day 4 is to do some searching for some fun new teas.

Fun new teas, everybody! 

*whispers* What have I become...

The Candida Diaries: Day 2

Yes, Lionel…it IS actually tea I'm looking for...
Weighed in at: 207.4
Last night I had a dream about accidentally eating grapes. They were literally being dangled into my mouth, and without thinking, I snapped into one...and then there erupted a horrible shrieking from somewhere unseen. 
Just kidding. I thought to myself, "These are great!" and then was like, "Oh. Whoops." and then I woke up. 
In the morning I made an effort to be more zen-like about this whole candida diet thing. If I peer far, far off into the future, I can see a point where I'll feel really good and will be grateful for the whole-body wellness that this thing will bring. I mean, my actual waking life is already all about yoga and meditation and self-actualization…even though my hand was rather forced by my diagnosis, this candida diet spurs me to love my body more by being more mindful of what I put in it, and why. And the fact that it's difficult and challenging and actually kind of emotional right now just places a further challenge for me to work on going the extra mile at the Very Damn Important Laws. 
So I took an extra long, hot shower, using my new pumpkin pie scrub (it smells soooo good…new favorite remedy for a grey day) while I listened to my Morning Meditation Playlist, which never fails to brighten my mood, mostly because there's an artist on there who sounds exactly like Eddie Vedder but sings meditation chants instead of songs about jerk fathers. Then I made some tea from my very own mint plant and some lemon basil I had been given by my gardener-expert mom. I resolved to make a solid effort to find a collection of anti-candida teas or other beverages that I will actually enjoy drinking and - here's the real challenge - will look forward to drinking in the morning like I did with coffee. I've always liked mint tea in the evening, when I'm winding down with some reading or writing before bed. Adding lemon basil to it in the morning gives it a more sprightly kick, so that was a happy discovery. 

So me and my tea sat down to work on some writing projects ...until about noon, when the first detox headache set in. At first it was minor, and then it was kind of blinding. This was highly annoying because I had a huge project I planned to finish up that day, and yet the headache sucked so bad that I had a hard time concentrating. After a while, there was no point in doing anything except retreating back to my bed and trying to rest it away…because it sucked, but it was also kind of expected. If I had been smarter and had planned more, I would have arranged things so that the first two or three days of the candida diet could just purely be Days of Rest, since I already know that the initial phase/detox of stuff like this can make you into a total and complete wimp. But I didn't, and so I spent the rest of the day in bed, alternating between futile attempts to get something concrete done and trying to take a nap (also futile. I have the brain of a kindergartener: I'll lie there, but I'm not taking a nap). Finally I gave up and just started on a new book, which at least added some Ups to the day.
The End.

The Candida Diaries: Day 1

You have no power over me, delicious baked good.Weighed in at: 209.6
Bitch Hill & cinnamon rolls. 

That's how I would sum up the first day of my anti-candida diet. 
I didn't feel super awesome in the morning: Woke up with some tight muscles, especially in my shoulders and lower back, which is super annoying. Now that I know more about candida overgrowth, it didn't surprise me altogether when I thought of my half-breve half-rice milk lattes the day before. I also kind of felt like a soldier going off to war…I know this whole diet thing is necessary, but it doesn't mean I'm necessarily looking forward to it. 

So I dragged myself out of bed and, instead of my usual Americano, I had a cup of hot…water. 

Yep. Sounds as exciting as it tasted, my friends. 

The eats of the day were pretty standard: I typically do a lot of  lean protein and vegetables, so that wasn't new, but I did miss my greek yogurt, dark chocolate, and rice milk lattes, but didn't have a huge craving for them, either.  

When I went in to the brewpub tonight for work, it kind of felt like mourning…especially when our brewer, Jason, put Bitch Hill Belgian on the board, one of our all-time most popular seasonal brews that I've been waiting all year for. It just kind of made me feel sad and low energy, thinking about all the things that I *can’t* have now…and the thing about it is, it's not so much the *thing* that I feel sad about as much as the experiences…of getting jazzed to wake up before dawn to drink that morning coffee and write…going out to lunch with my mom and ordering a glass of wine because she's retired and I work at home and so we can…meeting friends for happy hour…winding down after work with my fav bartender while we listen to Motown and gossip good-naturedly about everyone we know. I know that, if all goes well and I beat this shiz, I can maybe have those things again - albeit in small, moderate measure - but it just feels like I'm going to be missing out on so much of life right now, you know? And I know I probably sound like a whiny baby, especially to women who have been or are pregnant, because they largely have to give up coffee and alcohol for nine months, too…but at least at the end, they get a person who will love them unconditionally and provide some free manual labor around the house. 

So anyway, the night kind of sucked. Especially when almost every single person who came into the brewpub ordered Bitch Hill and kept talking about how awesome it was. 

Then, around 8:00, the weirdest thing happened: All of a sudden, all I could think about was hot cinnamon rolls covered in cream cheese frosting. I don’t even usually like those! I probably haven’t eaten one in more than a year, but right then, it was as if every single cell in my body was shrieking for one. The craving was so bad I even found myself wondering...what if I started tomorrow? What if I go out right now and grab some cinnamon rolls and then I start this whooooole thing tomorrow? I’m not in too deep yet! I could easily just start over tomorrow! 

SUCH a tempting thought. 

BUT. 

I talked myself down from the sugar shakes by telling myself that I'm not getting any younger, skipping now won't make my body any healthier, and that metaphorical cinnamon roll will be sooo much better in 6-to-9 months (maybe) when having it won't entirely ruin my body. 

SUCCESS! TRIUMPH! I AM A DAY ONE CHAMPIIIIOOOOOONNNN! 

And then I went home and straight to bed, because all this anti-candida diet stuff had me beat. Plus, whenever you try to detox your body from any substances, even sugar or caffeine, the side-effects can be kind of horrendous: headaches, moodiness, sharp cravings, and even mild depression or fever. In a way, this stuff is good because it's a sign that your body is fighting hard to repair itself…so one of the best ways to help it in that fight is to get a ton of good rest. 

So that's what I did. I went to sleep, to dream of bouncing amongst the frosting-covered cinnamon clouds and diving into the clear, crispy, slightly-malty waters of Bitch Hill Belgian Ale...

Just a shout into the void.

“I’m in love with you,” he said quietly.“Augustus,” I said.“I am,” he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. “I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been turned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.”

So into  The Fault In Our Stars right now.