Episode 2 Recap of The Bachelor: You Juan a Little Juan-on-Juan Time?

This week on De BACH-A-LORE: Juan Pablo Has a Daughter, we watch one of the most boring dates ever, the girls pair up with some adorable bitches for a good cause, we get the crazy that we've waited almost no time for, and more girls go home.

Ready? Consider the line break your honorary Bachelor bottle of champagne and pop that goddamn cork...

Today is the day for the first Juan-on-Juan date. Clare has the first date rose, which she apparently received during the episode I half-watched on Sunday. She's excited! OMG! Yawn.  

Juan pulls up in front of the Bachelor Mansion in some car (I don't know cars. Nor do I care?) and walks into the living room, looks hot. He brings Clare outside and puts a blindfold on her. Their date is a surprise! Elise CANNOT BELIEVE that he put a blindfold on her. "That was CRAZY!"

Elise might be kind of a dumb-dumb. 

Clare tells us that Juan Pablo smells….like heaven?…in a BOTTLE. Seriously: That's exactly how she talks…like the longest?…pauses EVER. 

Juan tells us that the reason why he picked Clare for the first date is because he remembers her as being "very happy, clever, easy-going." He canno’ waaaaait to see her reaction! "It’s goin' to be a graaaate night."

They arrive at a "Winter Wonderland", or as the rest of the world calls it, Minnesota and Wisconsin. There's fake snow and a mini-ice rink, and Clare skates backwards with Juan Pablo. She falls a lot. Clare is also a really slow talker who takes a lot of pauses and gives us the slowest, most detailed, BORING rundown ever in the entire freaking history of The Bachelor. 



[Actual recap note] Clare, shut up. 

Hot tub, she keeps gushing over and over about him. She’s got big boobs, though, so that’s cool. She wants to let her guard down, because she feels if Juan Pablo is going to get to know her, he has to know some of her story. HELLO, ASHLEE. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. So Clare decides that the hot tub is the perfect place to talk about her dead dad, and there was something about a necklace, which Juan Pablo pretended to be interested in but was really just using it as an excuse to look at her bodacious rack (seriously, she's got a good one. Is it just me, or are most of the emotionally raw and slightly-psycho chicks on The Bachelor also the ones with the best bazangas?)

JP ends up giving her the date rose and then they suck face. She’s kind of a ferocious kissser. “It stirs it up inside me," she says, super slowly and boringly. Pretty sure it stirs something up in JP, too, Clare…

"Just hold still, for just a second…yeah...just…like…that…"Music plays! Whaddya know, another musician none of us have ever heard of! JP and Clare run from the hot tube to the stage...in the snow...in their swimsuits...and then slow dance...in their swimsuits. UGH. “I don’t know where the snow is coming from, but it’s snowing!” says Clare. "I want a relationship, like, what my parents had. I know it exists and...I want it. I can only hope...tonight...is literally the tip of the iceberg for this journey."

The tip of the iceberg…HAHAHAHAHAHA. She's talking a tip of the iceberg when she's slow dancing with Juan Pablo in the snow. HAHAHAHAHAHA. 

Anyway, the date's super boring and I now hate Clare. 

Back at the Bachelor Mansion: 

Lucy is topless in the hot tub, and Renee wins 500 bonus points for telling us that she kind of knew it was only a matter of time until those boobs came out. Lucy is talking some nonsense about not even wanting a Juan-on-Juan date yet, and we get the sense that she's not so much here for Juan Pablo as she is for chances to take her top off on camera. 

Date card! Kat gets the Juan-on-Juan date card: "I can FEEL the electricity," it says. Cue senseless wondering about what it all means. OH MY GOD I AM SO BORED WITH THIS SHOW ALREADY.

Juanna do the Electric Boogaloo?



Juan Pablo and Kat arrive at a private jet for their date. Kat is wearing too much blush and talking some nonsense about how she could totally get used to this in the future with Juan Pablo. : "You know, flying off on a private jet with my latin lover." First of all: Ew. Second of all: HE DOESNT HAVE HIS OWN PRIVATE PLANE, KAT. IT’S CALLED A TV SHOW BUDGET.

Their date ends up being the Electric Run in Salt Lake City, and "it doesn't start until we start it." The Electric Run is basically a rave, but instead of getting to take drugs, you get to run a 5K! Which is EXACTLY what I would want to do on a first date with someone, especially on a TV show - run a 5K. 

The good news is that there's a big dance thing at the end of it, and we get to see Juan Pablo and Kat do some dancing. They're both really great dancers, actually…especially Juan Pablo. Watching him dance is suuuuuuuper hot. He gives Kat the date rose. Woot. 

Jus' a bunch'a bitches!
abc.comGroup date card comes! "Say CHEESE." OH MY GOD WHAT COULD IT MEAN?!?!?!

Lucy is already planning on getting Juan Pablo's attention with her boobs. Victoria is already pulling the “he’s my my man and all these girls are trying to date him” card. Snore. 

The date is a photo shoot! WHAT A SHOCKER. 

And there's PUPPIES!!!!! Models & Mutts apparently do sexy photo shoots to help raise money for dog adoptions, and for their group date, the bachelorettes get to pose with Juan Pablo and a puppy of their choice. Their outfits and makeup will also be designed around that puppy of their choice, but the girls aren't told that until *after* they pick their puppies.  

Which basically means that all the girls make Heee-LAR-ious jokes about being "surrounded by bitches, tee her!", and that Kelly gets to look like an alien giraffe, 
abc.comElise has to wear two boards, and Lucy has to wear a fire hydrant. However, most of the girls are surprisingly devoid of vanity. The only one that I really hear - at first - complaining about their costume is Elise and Andi, the girls who have to wear the boards. Andi makes a good point in that she sends people to jail every day for a living, and thus is not really comfortable being naked on national television. Elise gets the idea that everyone else in America was thinking and asks Lucy to switch costumes with her. Lucy not only agrees to switch costumes, but she also decides to walk down the street totally naked while she "walked her dog." 



Bet a lot of other people on that street saw that and wanted to walk their dogs, too...

Cassandra, Renee, and Nikki luck out by having really get outfits, and their photo shoots with JP are actually pretty steamy. Howevs, Andi is still freaking out about the outfit she has to wear, and JP finds her to tell her that it will be okay. It's actually pretty cute, the way he consoles her and tells her that they'll be doing it together. Those two have really good chemistry - like they're super natural and already comfortable together. I'm kind of starting to dig Andi as one of my favorites. 

So the nekkid photo shoot begins, and Andi, Juan Pablo, and Lucy are standing there, almost bucked nekkid (photos have since revealed that they were wearing flesh colored bikini bottoms). Lucy just stands there, like, "What up, here's my boobs" and JP jokes about it to Andi, like, "OMG, would ya LOOK at this chick? Just standin' there, with her bubbies just bouncin' around with everyone and their motha to see." 

That might have been more of a Jersey accent than a latin one. Oh well. 

The photo shoot goes well - Andi looks absolutely stunning and is like, "yeah, naked! It's not so bad, when you're with JUAN PABLO." The End. 

The "Hymen Maneuver, Otherwise Known As a Psychotic Break
rageagainsttheminivan.comEvenin' date time! 

A ROSE IS AT STAKE. 

And of course there's a pool and a hot tub. They're all dressed up and at a fitness club! Someone even reads off the name of the club and someone's like, "Ooooh" all sarcastic-like. 

Or maybe that sarcasm was just in my mind, because seriously, Bach producers? You make the girls get dressed up to hang out on the patio of a FITNESS CLUB?! C'mon! 

So Cassandra decides that some time with Juan Pablo might be a good time to tell him about her son. 

Wait. WHAT?

Cassandra has a son! And none of us knew about it, because apparently this is one girl who knows how to (somewhat) pace herself when blabbing about her personal life. So she and Juan Pablo go and talk alone, and she tells him about how she calls her mom ten times a day and that she has a son. JP is surprised by this news, but like…happy surprised? It was sweet. Her son is named Trey and he's two years old. Cassandra was excited to tell him when she felt like they finally had time to talk, and even though I still think she's kind of an airhead, I have to admit that she's totally smart for doing that instead of just dropping it on him within the first five minutes of meeting him (no offense, Renee). 

Victoria, meanwhile, is getting haaaaaaammmmmeerrrrrred. Nikki notices, and gently and quietly tells her, “I think everyone thinks that you’re a little too hammered and cray right now." Victoria slurs, "I haven't even had, like, ONE full glassss of champagne. Thissss isss how I am ssssober. I’m jussss' fun and sober."

Then she tells us, "If Juan Pablo happens to be mine, I’m going to straddle him EVERY DAY. That’s what life is about...straddling people. And things."

“I appreciate the input, though,” Victoria tells Nikki later, which is what we all say when we're super drunk and someone tells us something we don't want to hear.  

So Nikki goes off to have some time with JP, and Victoria is having a champagne-induced seizure/dance-off in the hot tub by herself. "Today I gave him the hymen maneuver. I think I should get a rose for that. If you do the hymen maneuver and you save him...That's what you do, when your'e a lifeguard! You save them with the hymen maneuver." She’s so freaking drunk and crazy that she sounds like Arnold Swartzenegger when she yells out for Juan Pablo: "Les go to mah hot tub!" Kelly, meanwhile, is gleeful. [Victoria's behavior] “Makes me look better."

I'm kind of starting to get the feeling that Kelly's a small-dog toting biznatch. 

Nikki and JP are together, having their Juan-on-Juan time, and Victoria suddenly shows up, swaying towards them and yawning. She walks up and then…just turns around and walks away. "Ayyyyy poor Victoooooria," Juan Pablo says, as they watch her run off. Victoria runs off toward the bathroom. Renee goes to find her, hears Victoria crying in a stall, and crawls underneath the locked stall to talk to her (Renee is a good woman. I'm starting to really like that girl). Victoria is sobbing and yelling and crying at Renee, and then all of a sudden starts yelling, "I’m done, I’m going home, I’m done." Victoria runs out of the bathroom and starts yelling at producers to send her home, she doesn't give a shit, she's going into an elevator and she's going down, she's going home. Producer Elan stops her and tries to talk her down, telling her he can't let her go home without her shoes, that he has to get her a cab and a flight out first. Victoria continues to freak out, yelling "FUCK Juan Pablo" and all this other shiz. Elan continues to tell her that for her safety, he can't just let her leave. She runs away and back to tthe bathroom. 

Can anyone say psychotic break?

Lucy interrupes JP’s time with some other blonde and tells him that Victoria is not doing well. JP wants to make sure that Victoria is doing okay, so he goes into the bathroom and tries to talk to Victoria. She's sobbing in the stall once again, and won't answer JP, except when he asks her at once point if she can talk to him for a minute and she screams, "NO! NO!"

So he gives up, goes back to the girls, and gives the rose to Kelly for putting up with looking like an alien giraffe for the photo shoot. I've decided that I don't really like Kelly. She strikes me as an underground Courtney: Kind of snooty in a really backhanded way. Anyway, JP asks the girls to make sure that Victoria gets home safe so he can come tomorrow and talk to her (a.k.a., send her home). 

Sorry About Going Totally Psycho Last Night! 

The next morning, the girls are sitting around the house, talking about what happened with Victoria. Apparently she's not there - the producers took her to a hotel, and the girls haven't seen her since the night before. Also: Nikki has a SUPER slammin' body. 

JP shows up at Victoria's hotel room. Victoria says, “Sorry about last night." Yeah. SORRY. He bids crazypants aloha or whatever it is that you say in Spanish, and she leaves. Buh-bye! Buh-bye Victoria! 




Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 
The cocktail party begins with Juan Pablo telling us that he wants to make sure to get in some time with the girls that he didn't have dates with that week. He calls on Amy first for some Juan-on-Juan time, and Amy notes that he wanted to get to know her first (Uh, not really, otherwise he would have asked you out on a date). Amy decides that, since she's a reporter in real life, to act like she’s interviewing him on TV. It’s super cheesy and dumb, and I've never seen an interview that was more about the interviewer than the interviewee. 

Then he goes to talk to Sharleen, who is wearing an AWFUL, AWFUL dress. She apologizes for being so ungracious when he gave her The First Impression Rose, which totally catches him off guard. She's so brainy and dry that I have a hard time watching her…not because she's brainy - that's awesome and it sets her apart from the other girls - but she's so dry and unexpressive? She strikes me as the kind of girl that I might like once she gets more comfortable and opens up more, but at first is the kind you don't want to get into conversation with because her small talk is so stilted and cerebral that it's painful.  

Meanwhile, Cassandra is having a little bit of a tearful breakdown from wondering if it's worth it to be away from her son. Renee goes and talks to her about it. First, I love Renee now, and if she doesn't make it to the end, I will bet good money that she will be in the running for Bachelorette. Two, Cassandra is really very sweet - “I thought that beinghere would bring me so much more happiness” - and I now take back every mean thing I said about her being a ditz. 

Juan Pablo goes upstairs to talk to Cassandra, and it's a sweet conversation. He persuades her to stay, telling her that he wouldn't try to convince her to spend time away from her child if he didn't think something might be there, etc. You know, the old Jason/Brad/Emily line about "you have a kid, so if I don't want to do you anymore, back home to you'll go!" etc. 

Rose TIME! 

Juan Pablo hands out the roses, and among the ones who are asked to stay are Cassandra, Neekee, Aaandeee, EEeeelise, Renee, Luuuucy, Aaaaalison, Chelllllsea, Lauuuuren S., and Chriiistiiie. Sharleen is also given a rose, and makes a joke when asked to accept dees rose: "Uh, sure!" HAHAHAHAHA! You're not funny, so take your rose, go back and stand where you were before, and sheddup. 

Amy and Chantel are sent home. “I thought I was going to be here for a long time,” Amy tells us. 



She kind of reminds me of a girl who grew up in pagaents: Really bright and smily, but with an unhealthy overdose of confidence and self-regard.  

Poor Chantel. Not the right girl for JP, but I dug that chick.  

And that's IT for Ep 2, Bachelor Babies! 

Tune in next time for the recap of Episode 2! 

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