Tom Clempson's Blog, page 14
August 3, 2011
Confessions of a Naughty Australian Lady
This week's amazing confessions come courtesy of Monique from moniquewillknow.blogspot.com (She's also from other places – Australia, a womb… you name it, she's been there. As long as you name Australia or a womb). She has VERY kindly written two stories for our reading pleasure. Read them, laugh, go 'Ewww!', then visit her blog (this recent post is my personal favourite). Her readers ask questions (any questions) and she answers them in a comical way. However, just a word of warning, judging by these stories she may not be the most trustworthy individual on the planet, so you might want to think twice before posing your own questions to her! That was actually a bit more than one word of wisdom wasn't it? At lest three. Maybe four…
When my daughter was a toddler, she did swimming lessons at our local indoor pool. Pool Rules dictated that all children (and adults for that matter) that weren't toilet trained, had to wear a swim nappy. Wanting to feel smug like an urban hippy, I opted to purchase a reusable lycra nappy made by a reputable swim brand instead of using disposable ones every week.
Now, my daughter Karina takes after her father and is more limbs than anything else. Chickens attend Weight Watchers after seeing her legs. She never really had any puppy fat and has sported a 6 pack of muscle from when she could walk.
Yet the press-stud buttons of the swim nappy often popped open while she was swimming.. It never posed much of a problem as the teacher would just clip it back together and she'd swim on.
You know where this is going right?One fateful morning we went to the lesson as usual and I happened to run into a girl (woman sounds old and I'm not old. Really.) I went to school with who also had children swimming that day. We started chatting away, sipping our lattes, sucking in our baby bellies, hoping the other thought we had aged well, when suddenly the kids were being hoisted out of the pool and handed to their mothers. With a sinking feeling, I saw my daughter's teacher wading through the water with a net, scooping up…something. I found my daughter and surprise, bloody-hippy-reusable-nappy surprise, one side of her pants had unpopped and there was a bright ORANGE ooze spreading down her thigh.
Next thing the swim teacher was yelling out to her boss "It's no use, it's not solid. I can't scoop it up".
It then struck me that we had been to a Spanish Tapas restaurant for dinner the night before and Karina had gorged herself on chorizo, patatas bravas and all manner of orange oiled foods.
"Mummy, my bottom is firey"
Oh crap. Literally.
I rushed her off to the bathroom and emptied her out and cleaned her up. And while in the toilet cubicle with her I could hear the conversations going on in the changing area.
"They've evacuated the pool, can you believe it?"
"Can you imagine if it was your child? I'd just DIE"
"I've been coming here for 6 years with my kids and this has NEVER happened before"We snuck out and joined the crowd standing around the empty (of people) pool, watching the staff try and scoop up the confetti of chilli and herbs floating on the surface of the water.
Someone at my elbow asked "What happened?"
I turned and realised it was my old school chum. Being the coward I am, I said, "Well, APPARENTLY, one of the kids had an accident in the pool and they're cleaning it up"
"Oh that's disgusting. I hope they're going to empty the pool and refill it. What about the rest of the lesson? I'm going to get my money back. You should come and get yours back too"
I really didn't know what to do. Follow her and ask for my money back, when 30 other children had missed theirs because of my little tapas trumpeter? Or admit to my school friend that it was my fault and scrounge in my purse for change to give her in compensation?
Thankfully one of the staff members made the announcement that the lessons would move into the larger pool and no one would miss out.
While everyone shuffled off in one direction toward the big pool, my daughter and I skulked in the other direction towards the front desk."Um. Hi. Um. The… accident, in the pool, was by my daughter. Do I have to do anything? Pay anything?"
"Oh. I see. No, you don't have to pay anything. Don't worry, it has happened before. Not like that one though. Usually we just scoop it out and put a cleaning fluid in the filter and run it for an hour and it's fine. But I don't know what's going to happen with…that one. My boss is on the phone to the filter manufacturers. I think they're sending someone out to look at it for us"
"Oh. Great. Um, see you next week?"
"Yes, next week. The pool should be back in use by then".And we did go back. With our heads held high and a bumper pack of disposable swim nappies.
We stuck at it and my nearly 6yo is now a toilet trained mermaid who still loves swimming. And tapas.
The photo attached is from our trip to Vanuatu last year where she posted a postcard at the underwater postbox which was about 4m down. She was so proud of herself!
Too many poo-post pun captions to choose from!
When I was living in London, my then boyfriend and I met up with a German girl who had lived as an exchange student with my boyfriend's family in Melbourne many years before. It was going to be nostalgic, it was going to be fun, it was going to be alcohol lubricated.
As she was a poor student working a few jobs just to pay the rent on a single bed in a shared house, we decided to shout her lunch. So we chose a nice Bavarian cafe that had a great beer list and hearty meals.
After much gentle arguing over who was paying, we finally managed to get her to accept our offer.
6 hours later we'd had lunch, dinner, countless beers and paddle after paddle of schnapps until we were almost falling down.
But when my boyfriend swayed his way up to the counter to pay, he realised they didn't accept switch payments. Only credit card or cash – neither of which we had (the banks didn't trust us Aussies with credit. Wonder why…).
So off he went to find an ATM to get cash out, but the closest one was out of order. 40 minutes later and he still didn't find one.
Faced with the prospect of washing dishes while ridiculously drunk, our German friend stepped up and paid the bill across 3 credit cards, one of which was her dad's for "in case of an emergency", and with some cash. I think I was able to contribute about 3 quid in silver.
We promised to pay her back, but she left for Germany the next day and we couldn't work out how to transfer money to her. Any other time we saw her, we'd never have the cash on us and it became uncomfortable to think about how long it had taken us to pay her back and she kept insisting it didn't matter and eventually it became her wedding present to us years later!
We've since moved back home to Australia and in the last year, she has also moved here. She's getting closer. We'll have to move if she finds us…
Thank VERY MUCH you for your confessions Monique!
Anyone else wishing to get anything of their chests for a future Confessions post, you can do so here.
Related posts:Confessions of a Very Naughty Boygirlmanwoman
Confessions of a Naughty Boygirlmanwoman: Part 2
August 1, 2011
Last Week's Tweets
Read @sisterspooky's embarrassing story and see if you can spot any other fellow tweeters in my 2-parts Confessions blog http://t.co/rEtpjGx #
The shorts are out again! (as are my lady ankles). Looking forward to a full day of writing in the sun. #
Best thing about unplanned writing is when you surprise yourself with what happens next (unexpectedly just wrote 5 pages about poo) #hibrow #
New Jack Samsonite review! http://t.co/XjZkNnw (check out that heading!) #fb #
New Jack Samsonite review! http://t.co/XjZkNnw (check out that heading!) #
I've been wearing the same socks 2 days in a row. And I slept in them too! Does that make me a rebel? #
Author update: ALL of my T-shirts have acquired that damp dog smell and no matter how many times I wash them it… http://fb.me/XDis2Fwn #
I really should have checked the forecast before leaving the house in shorts & T-shirt (or at least looked out of the window!) #chillyidiot #
Only 8 days until my first ever book shop signing event (Deansgate Waterstone's, Manchester)! @wsdeansgate #
Collected M from nursery to go to Eye Hosp. Stopped to turn round at end of road. M: that's not eye hospital! That's a house! Silly daddy! #
Almost pood! "@alice_murphy: Autocorrect stuff is usually really unfunny but this actually made me cry with laughter… http://t.co/Jd5Y09k" #
School holidays used to be a to
a time of awe and excitement. Now they just mean – people. Everywhere. All the time! #
Related posts:Last Week's Tweets
Last Week's Tweets
Last Week's Tweets
July 26, 2011
Confessions of a Naughty Boygirlmanwoman: Part 2
I should really just rename this feature 'Embarrasing Stories', because that's really what we want to read, and that's really what we've got. This first one is from Sister Spooky (Laura), who I can't help just feeling sorry for!
So I have real issues with public speaking and performing. I used to be fine with it but no matter the size of the group or the subject matter I get so anxious that I full on panic.
The most memorable and embarrassing of these moments was my 2nd year at uni. I did a writing/humanities degree and the 1st 2 years were at a sister college so the classes were small and then the last year was "real uni".
I had to give a presentation that looked at the life of an author or poet we were studying and then compare and contrast 2 biographies I had read on his/her life. I was doing T.S.Eliot and I was so prepared that I probably could have written a book on him myself.
I stood with my notes, powerpoint and books in front of my class of 12 and tutor and started. Still fretting but choosing to ignore it I carried on and had reached about half way into the speech and I noticed that the sun was very bright and glaring. The air pressure was off too. How strange. I had no memory of boarding a plane.
Everyone was looking at me.
As Dr Samuel Beckett of 'Quantum Leap' would say: Oh boy.
My tutor was smiling encouragingly. Then things got even stranger. The air was sucked out of the room and everyone become inconvenient and blurry. My tutor asked if I was ok.
I think the flapping handouts in my shaking hands was a bit of a clue that I was not ok. At all.
I said 'ummm I think I feel a little dizzy, ha ha, is it okay if I grab a chair'
'Of course, sit down'
'I'll carry on. I just need a-'
I had stepped forward to a desk to lift a chair over as I replied and it was this moment things went fuzzy.
Next thing I knew my mates was over me and saying 'you're okay baby. Just stay there.'
Oh the shame. I'd not only passed out but I had done so in front of everyone and in the process of getting a chair, so was in the prime spot to let my head slam the desk front on as I went down and then flipped off the table onto the floor and smacking the back of my head on the concrete floor.
All in all, the rest of the class was cancelled. They called an ambulance. I had to be driven home by someone and gave myself a full blown concussion and had to have 2 weeks off classes while I healed.
The silver lining was I got a 1st for the presentation based on the part I did do and the notes I would have read and all the presentations I did from then onwards were a breeze because nothing could have been worse than that one!
And this tweeter who shall remain anonymous… we all thought you were so sweet and innocent!
Ok so…
After spending so long whilst at school being a good girl I decided to try out having an attitude at college, it worked well.. Sometimes! I got a bit flirty with one boy though and we ended up outside a pub getting a bit raunchy on night when we were drunk! Things didn't get too heated as I started worrying about the fact he was seeing my friend at the time! Oops!
He broke up with her the next day and about a week later we ended up getting a bit close again, this time in a media classroom during college hours! Let's just say what went on in there would have needed a watershed if it was media related at all! (though not completely X-rated may I add!) Worst thing about it was… I had to run to the toilets to erm, get some tissues and I left him naked from the waste down in theclassroom whilst I did this, and he couldn't lock the door as I did this cos I needed to get back in… Yeah, I think you can see where this is going, thankfully he'd managed to at least get his boxers up before I opened the door not realising there were other students behind me in the corridor but it looked a tad suspect!
I suppose it would be just a bit too cruel to ask everyone else to unveil their embarrassing stories without including some of my own, so here's one which, at the time, was one of the most humiliating things to ever happen to me (but by now I'm used to this kind of stuff)…
Leaving Oxford bus station and heading into the city, I passed through a small shopping square type area and, being a young teen in the big city without my mum, I was feeling a strange mix of coolness and scared-shitless-ness. Then, as I took a confident swig from my strawberry milkshake, I saw, up ahead, a sight that still fills me with dread – a gang of loitering teens. And this wasn't just any gang of loitering teens, this one had girls, lots of them. Pretty ones!
This was doubly bad because, not only do pretty girls increase nerves by 98.2%, but they also cause their lairy male friends to attempt to make every other guy in the vacinity to look stupid. Luckily I had a trick up my sleeve.
These noisy nobs weren't going to get a chance to make a fool of me, because I was about to do that all by myself, and far better than any of those idiots could have done!
Striking that careful balance between 'try not to look so dorky that you become a walking target' and 'try not to look so confident that you appear to be an alpha-male threat' I also adopted another tactic – walk past so fast that they don't have enough time to finish insulting you before you're gone.
This plan really might have worked if only I hadn't decided to take another glug of milkshake as I passed them. You see, it turns out that holding a large pink bottle in front of your face and tipping your head back can severely block your view ahead.
Just as I drew level with the intimidating ne'rdowells, and at the peak of my speedwalking fly-by, I slammed bollock-first into a bollard. I hit it with such speed that I bent double at the waist, almost smashing my face on the other side as my milkshake flew from my hands and decorated the paving with pink, wet, stupidness.
I don't think I really need to describe their loud laughter-filled reaction, but, I can tell you this – I looked really really cool! And wet. And my balls hurt. A lot.
Massive thanks to the contributing writers from Twitter. More to come next time…
Related posts:Confessions of a Very Naughty Boygirlmanwoman
July 25, 2011
Last Week's Tweets
Why can't it be like this every day?! #notascroteinsight http://t.co/ivPGKQU #
I Swore at Small Children http://t.co/L58OPg6 (WARNING – contains swear words. Please do not read if you are a small child!) #
Hey, I AM still young! I was a teenager just 12 years ago and I'm 36 years away from being a pensioner! #
Loooooook… I'm reviewed in a National paper today! Daily Mail p52 and online http://t.co/ZQyG5FR And they don't even hate it! @MailOnline #
Tell me your embarrassing stories here http://t.co/divFUsw to feature in my 'Confessions' blog post (go on, make me squirm!) #
My first ever Review in a National paper (Daily Mail) http://instagr.am/p/IO-NV/ #
No related posts.
July 20, 2011
I Said 'Nob' & 'Shit' to Small Kids
On Saturday I did my first ever event – the Latitude Festival 2011. I have never before spoken to an audience larger than my own family, so was hoping I might warm up with a few talks for schools or librarys or something, but no, I went straight into a festival. That's not a complaint! I'm absolutley thrilled to have taken part, I just wasn't really very… prepared for speaking in front of large audience who were accustomed to watching peole who knew what they were doing. And it was a VERY large audience (okay, not quite Wembley stadium, but, thanks to the heavy rain, people were packing in wherever they could. Did I say 'thanks to the rain'?! Silly me! Of course, what I meant to say was, 'thanks to my amazing reputation and household-name status').
In actual fact the majority of the audience were a mixture of people who had come to see Henry Worsley talk about Ernest Shackleton (on before me) and giddy young girls waiting to see the lovely Louise Rennison (after me).
Louise Rennison as seen back stage, being horribly confident and comfortable in front of an audience.
Having said that, it was by no means a disaster. I had genuinely expected to cock-up, dry-up and die up there (I share a horrible similarity with Jack Samsonite in that I DREAD the thought of talkng in front of large groups of people). As with most things that take some nerve, I did a good job of pushing my fears to the back of my mind and expected them to rear up and attack just minutes before going on stage.
After waiting an hour in the rain for an on-site minibus to take me to the check-in gate, I finally made my way to the literary arena with less than half an hour to go before my 'performance'. I made myself comfortable in the back stage tent, introduced myself to some of the people there (except Juliet Stevenson, because I recognised her and assumed that people who are famous enough to be recognised do not want to be introduced to every no-name author who passes by), and then someone told me I had a dressing room! My very own little cabin with a sofa, a table, a mini fridge filled with beer and water, and, bizarrely, something that resembled a hospital gurney (I can only assume they give this room to people like me, who look wimpy enough to pass out). Even though this was somewhat of a luxury after standing in the rain for an hour, I wasn't too sure I fancied being left on my own with my thoughts for 20 whole minutes. I occupied myself by practicing reading a few chapeters from my book and quickly drinking two and a half cans of beer, until I heard Louise Rennison arrive in the Dressing Room next to mine. In a selfless act of charity I invited her to allow me into her room (she didn't have a bed OR a fridge, which I made sure to point out and rub in) and let her sign 'And Then He Ate My Boy Entrancers' for my sister-in-law's birthday present (which is a surprise unless she reads this). I also allowed her the privelige of distracting me right up until one of the lovely stage hands (I did know her name and her correct job title, both of which I'm sure were far nicer than 'Stage Hand') came to tell me 'We're ready for you at side of stage'.
So I quickly said goodbye to Lulu (that's what I call her, because we're like this now, me and Lu… LouRe…. Renny… Louie-louie Ren-ren) and she asked if I'd like to go for a drink when she comes off. ME?! Go for a drink with a real life proper author?! Obviously I made up some lame excuses until she was practically begging me and then I finally submitted and squeeled 'Of course!' before running to Side of Stage, where I could see the MC (Andre Vincent) introducing me. He was supposed to do this for ten minutes, but since I'm such a complex and interesting character it only took him one, which gave me no time at all to pluck up any fear or anxiety, and before I knew it I was bounding on stage in front of a rather large group of people who seemed very much in the mood to hear some more riveting tales about Ernest Shackleton (I'm not being sarcastic there - from what I heard, Henry Worsley was genuinely fascinating). Shame then that all I had to offer was 'nob-ache'.
In hindsight I should have played the sympathy card and told them 'Ive never done this before!' and I'm sure they would have given me lots of charitable laughs and applause. The worst part was probably when, having entered the stage, scanned the audience, ensured there were very few small children, began talking non-stop about 'nob-ache', then spotted who was sat directly in front of me - an entire front row of under-8s! (I apologised, explained that a 'nob-ache' is a type of unicorn – it was the first thing that sprung to mind – then continued to reel off an endless string of offensive words, which is actually really hard to avoid when reading my book!).
I was in such a rush that I only took one photo all day long. Plus this one of a curious wee wee hole at Diss train station on my way home.
Even so, they were a very nice audience – polite, attentive, clapped when they were supposed to clap, quiet when they were supposed to be quiet, blank when they were supposed to laugh… If only I had the confidence of LouRe! I guess I'll get better with practise. It's not that I think I did BADLY, but I know I could have done better. Everyone told me I was great when I came off, but, really, what else were they going to say – 'Wow! That was SO mediocre! No, seriously! You were just so amazingly amateur, almost verging on shit! Well done!'? But hey, at least I managed to speak without crying, stand without buckling and hold my book without trembling so violently that I couldn't see the words! I even managed to put some inflection into my words, instead of just reading one long, continuous, monotonous, punctuationless, drawl (go me!). I have finally mastered the art of courage (well, the two and a half cans of beer I downed in the ten minutes before I went on stage could also have played a part).
I then went to do a joint-signing with Louie-Louie Renren, where I watched her sign her books and smiled at all her fans longingly (in that I would like to have that many adoring fans, not because I'm a feeaking messed-up pervert), then, when I realised her queue of fans was quite long, it dawned on me that I only had twenty minutes to catch the minibus back to the bus stop and catch the last biggybus that would get me to the train station in time for the last train home!
So, reluctantly I broke the bad news to Lulie-O-Rennybop, I comforted her whilst she gently sobbed and then I left. Cold, wet, muddy, a little bit wobbly still from the beer, and a little bit glowing. I flashed my 'Performers' wristband to as many people as were willing to look, I waved my book in front of as many faces as were stupid enough to not duck, and I put a notch on my belt – my first ever public event. And I never even dribbled poo down my leg!
Related posts:Last Week's Tweets
July 18, 2011
Last Week's Tweets
I just got told off by @cupcakes4clara for not joining in #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants and saying 'Free Willy In My Pants' #funnywife #
Am I too late with this? Because 'One If Our Dinosaurs Is Missing In My Pants' #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants #
Home Alone In My Pants (that wasn't part of #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants i was just stating a fact) #
The Human Stain In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants (yuck and sorry!) #
Snow White And The 7 Dwarves In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants I'm addicted now! #
White Men Can't Jump In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants #
Pushing Tin In My Pants. Don't know why. Just bored. Hurts a bit. #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants #
Herbie Goes Bananas In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants #
Chasing Amy In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants #
Herbie Fully Loaded In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants (I'm annoying myself now!) #
Just got take-out frappe and breakfast all ready for a day of writing in the glorious sun. And now it's cold and cloudy!!! Silly England. #
Wow, some people really do get off on the horn. Just saw a guy get honked all over for turning right! #
Hundreds of amazing animals at the zoo, and all she wants to do is play with the displays! http://instagr.am/p/HkpNX/ #
Preparing for my appearance at @LatitudeFest on Sat (1.10pm authors arena) Never been before. Mostly expecting the unexpected. Excited tho! #
CONFESSIONS REQUIRED for new blog feature. Anything weighing on your conscience/funny bone/cringe-ometer DM/ email tomclempson(at)gmail.com #
Let me know your confessiest confessions for new (anonymous) blog feature. Email tomclempson(at)gmail.com Go on, do your worst! #
Almost ready to head down to @LatitudeFest tomorrow (I'm on Saturday). The whole thing just looks awesome. Can't wait!!! #
On the train, travelling through beautiful, sunny postman pat land on my way down to @LatitudeFest (Saturday 13.10, Literary arena) #
Now passing through Chestertonfieldsville #
Ahhh, smells like I've reached Suffolk! #
Tut tut. Looks like rain! #
I'm on stage at @LatitudeFest in 20 minutes! Drinking beer in my DRESSING ROOM next to Louise Rennison! (little bit very scared)! #
I'm not 2 sure the 'shackleton' crowd were quite prepared for all my 'nob-aches'! Louise R seems 2B doing well though! http://t.co/VPEx5A2 #
Had to bail on the offer to go for a drink with @LouiseRennison or miss the last train home. Gutted. #
How can I lose a chunk of my knuckle and not even notice?!! #coveredinblood #
On my way back from @LatitudeFest and NOW the sun decides to come out! #bloodytypical #
Thank you @callummccrae1 @GoldenAgeofGeek @empireofbooks @hannahmcmoon for yesterday's #FF ! #
This is quite a nice train journey. If only there was some twat blaring some bangin tunes from his phone. Oh… Hang on…! #
Overheard a family on the train –
Small Boy: "I spy with my little eye something beginning with S"
Boys Stupid Mum: "Ceiling?" #
Overheard family on the train #2 –
Small Boy: "We're going to the zoo next week and we're going to see lions and bears and Eskimos…" #
Still not home from Latitude (began my journey 7hrs ago) and I miss my little family! It's the longest I've ever been away from them! #
Related posts:Last Week's Tweets
Last Week's Tweets
July 15, 2011
Confessions of a Very Naughty Boygirlmanwoman
Part research, part for fun (or all for fun in the guise of research), I begin a new feature – Confessions. A completely anonymous outlet for all of the worst things you've ever done in your life (within reason. Please don't make me puke).
To get the ball rolling here are a few little gems I've collected so far (thanks to some very kind Tweeters)…
When I was in cub scouts, we went on camp and, one night, when everyone else was asleep, the guys in my tent all got a little crazy and went to get some water from the tap next to the leader's tent (CRAAAZY!). For some reason a couple of the guys thought that drinking water at 1am wasn't crazy enough for them, so on our way back from the tap they accidentally snuck into other people's tents and switched everyone's underwear, then went to the 'Emergency Toilet Tent' and removed all the guy ropes. This also seemed kind of tame, until, the next morning, amid arguments of 'who stole my pants!' we heard a noise that sounded very much like the 'whump!' of a falling tent, followed by a 'slplosh' of a toppling bucket of yellow and brown stuff, followed by the 'Aarghh!' of someone getting sewer-legs. We all ran out of the tent just in time to see an unidentified scout running across a field with a tent on his head and trousers round his ankles. How we didn't get shot for this, I do not know. Anonymous.
As a child, every time my brother pissed me off I went to his bed room and secretly spat on his pillow. Anonymouth
Don't have much time. Will try to keep it brief. Someone's wedding, someone else's house. Lots of guests, only one toilet. Queue went across the landing and half way down the stairs. I found a little tucked away corner of the landing, where a small window opened out onto a quiet and secluded part of the garden, so swiftly took care of business (only number one!). Passed a queing friend on way back down and told him about the wee window, which he promptly rushed to take advantage of. THEN… as I continued downstairs, I passed a rather big man, with rather wet hair, and smelling mildly of urine, who went storming upstrairs and (sorry, not a very happy ending) broke my friends jaw! And he hadn't even unzipped yet! There. Funny and tragic all at once. And yes, I do still feel very very bad about it. Anonymess
I used to lock my cousin in her own wendy house. It was fun! Anonyhouse
I invited a friend round one day after school because I wanted to ask her whether she thought it would be worth my while asking her best friend out. She slightly got the wrong end of the stick and thought I wanted to ask her out. I felt too bad to let her down, so went along with it. It took me almost a whole year to break up with her! Anonymonogamous
Thanks for your contributions. Please keep the confessions coming in. Long, short, funny, makes-you-want-to-crawl-into-a-dark-hole-and-never-come-out-again… all confessions welcome! Email them to tomclempson@gmail.com
No related posts.
July 11, 2011
Last Week's Tweets
The weather seems to be confusing my children (woke up to requests for The Grinch and The Snowman stories)! #
Was writing 1000 words per hour on Monday. Why can't EVERY hour be as productive?! #
You know how the pressure of placing a coffee order can seem a bit daunting? Well… Has anyone else ever accidentally ordered a Foccacino? #
Wearing new shoes. Look great. Smell like old people. #
Do you think Paris Hilton's ratdog ever poos in her handbag? #
Just had to jump a 3ft puddle that was leaking from a porterloo! Action man status remains in tact (smelled like new shoes!) #
If I didn't have quite so much fat on me I reckon I'd be kinda thin! #
RT "@LatitudeFest: One week until Latitude, everybody ready!?" Pretending to be! #
RT "@BookAngel_Emma: On My (Library) Wish-list… @tomclempson Don Calame & Tom Avery http://t.co/GZyRAby great books for boys" @doncalame #
Only 9 away from 300 followers! One of my next 9 followers will win a free tweet containing 3 words rhyming with Moo Mar Mawesome! #ohthefun #
'I love the smell of duck in the morning' #replacewordinfamousquotewithduck #
"Stand by your man, give him two ducks to cling to" #replacewordinfamousquotewithduck #
"Nobody f***ing move! Or I'm gonna duck every motherf***ing last one of you!" #replacewordinfamousquotewithduck #
7 away from 300! Only 59yrs 8mnths left to follow/enter my mind-blowing competition (1 free whole tweet could be yours to keep!) #ohthefun #
"I did not have sexual relations with that duck" #replaceawordinafamousquotewithduck #
"E = MCduck" #replaceawordinafamousquotewithduck #
"Nobody. Talks. About duck club!" #replaceawordinafamousquotewithduck #
300! Thanks to @BankesLiz @waterstones_lym @Neeky78 @Sunflower26 @SecretaryFiles @JeffAbbott @FlyingstartSoni @ginarinelli @JonathanMabery #
And the winner of my amazing prestigious tweet is… @ginarinelli !!! Here goes… Poo Par Pawesome! #
If you want a proper good laugh I HIGHLY recommend @Neeky78's blog! http://t.co/JbGyIwv
Very funny indeed! #
"Say hello to my little duck!" #replaceawordinafamousquotewithduck #
Have just witnessed an old guy who appears to suffer from tourettes of the middle finger! (I think that sweet old lady needs a hug now) #
"I think we're going to need a bigger duck" #replaceawordinafamousquotewithduck #
Hardly any sleep, big rush out the house, so treated myself to 1 of my fav NY breakfasts – granola, yog & fruit… Then ate it in car park. #
I think I love you http://t.co/5lTyH6b #
Is it just me or did that dog smell like treacle and look like Sylvester Stallone in drag? #twitter realitycrisis #
"@Sunflower26: Have to #ff @tomclempson and @Kmickers for being generally fab" Hooray (thanks!) #
Related posts:Last Week's Tweets
Last Week's Tweets
Last Week's Tweets
July 8, 2011
I Think I Love You… Australia!
I'm sure I shall be gushing my love for many other things/people/places in the weeks/months/years to come, so there's a chance this 'I Think I Love You…' thing could turn into a feature. If it does, then Australia is the first of many, and for so many reasons…
1. It provided six of the best months of my life
2. It is home to Norm (I never actually met him, due to him being asleep, but he works at Coles Supermarket and he provided us with hours of entertainment. Seriously!)
3. It produced the first printed on real paper magazine review of my book (and gave it 5 stars!)
courtesy of http://au.youth.yahoo.com/girlfriend/
4. It is home to Norma (not her real name, but I like to think that, despite being hundreds of miles apart, she and Norm somehow met up and are now living a life of beautiful co-sleeping).
5. Its big book shop, Dymocks, is stocking my book, faceout, and even better than that, people keep sending me pictures of it (unfortunately I can't find them all, though)!
pictures courtesy of http://therestaurantbookblog.blogspot.com/ and New Girl
And last but not least (I just couldn't add it to the list because a: I'm going to ramble on and on about this one, which would just unbalance the whole one-line-list thing, and b: I can't bring myslef to make a list of 6 instead of a nicely rounded 5!) one of Australia's finest creations… Orange Power Air Freshener!
You know how you have certain smells that trigger specific times of your life? Coconut scented sunblock = holiday to France 1998; pine tree with a mild scent of urine = christmas 2004; hairspray and singed eyebrows = winter 1999 when I tried to light the log fire when we'd ran out of firelighters. Well, when we travelled down the East Coast of Aus, almost every single hostel had Orange Power in their toilets, and if they didn't, we carried our own bottle everywhere we went (being the last in the hostel bathroom on a Saturday morning = not good. Being last in the hostel bathroom on a Saturday morning with a bottle of Orange Power = *sniff* Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!). It doesn't always cover up the smell of poo, but it sure makes it smell orangey! Orange poo = the smell (for me) of Australia (In a nice way).
No related posts.
July 4, 2011
Last Week's Tweets
Just heard that One Seriously Messed Up Week is being made into a BBC Radio 4 afternoon play, starring Judi Dench as Jack! #possiblyalie #
I never fail to blush when middle aged English teachers tell me they're reading my book #toomanynaughtywords #
Look! Look! Look! @cheshirelife have dedicated half a page of their magazine to me and Jack! http://t.co/fpWBm2Z #
I don't really like cheese. #
I do actually quite like cheese, banana and marmite sandwiches though #goodbadsandwiches #
Piccalilli and chocolate spread also make an interesting combo #goodbadsandwiches #
Dear @hannahmcmoon @midnightreads & @BookAngel_Emma Thank you very much for the #FF s! I liked them a lot (even though they tasted of phone) #
Very brief #FF for just a few lovely tweeps @BookAngel_Emma @midnightreads @raimy_rawr @hannahmcmoon @sisterspooky @Serendipity_Viv #
More awesome #FF ers @empireofbooks @PewterWolf13 @GaspItsChami @Avas_Writer @the_reader_room @iHeartRevenants @imaaronvincent @mondaloves #
MC: "why are you weeing in the toilet, Daddy?"
TC: "because that's where we wee!"
MC: "I also wee in my nickers, and in my bed too!" #
Related posts:Last Week's Tweets
Last Week's Tweets
