Tim Lundmark's Blog, page 19

Tao Te Ching: Verse 22

 Verse 22

The flexible are preserved unbroken.

The bent become straight.

The empty are filled.

The exhausted become renewed.

The poor are enriched.

The rich are confounded.

Therefore wise men embrace the one

And set an example to all.

Not putting on a display,

They shine forth.

Not justifying themselves,

They are distinguished.

Not boasting,

They receive recognition.

Not bragging,

They never falter.

They do not quarrel,

So no one quarrels with them.

Therefore the ancients say, "Yield and overcome."

Is that an empty saying?

Be really whole,

And all things will come to you.

Lao-tzu

When I read this verse I think about my very good friend who is going through a rather rough patch in his life. He is suffering some great trials and tribulations and I feel how he handles it will make or break him. If he stands rigid and wallows in his misfortunes he will most likely break amidst his personal storm. If he stays flexible and goes with the storm like a palm tree he will be preserved unbroken. If he yields he will overcome. Dr. Dyer uses the example of a palm tree in a hurricane to illustrate the lessons in this verse. Even with winds of up to 200 mph the palm tree survives even though other trees are being ripped from the ground. The secret of the palm tree is its flexibility. It moves with the winds sometimes all the way to the ground. When the storm has passed the palm tree remains straight.

The first few lines of the 22nd verse of the Tao Te Ching gives me the same feeling of hope as in the book of Matthew. I know it is not an exact match but the feeling I get from this verse is the same I get from reading Jesus' speech on top of the mountain. I feel a great sense of hope when I read these words. In embracing the one you will become flexible able to withstand anything life throws your way. When you hit a point where you are empty and life is dragging you by the heels rejoice because you will be filled. There is something comforting in these words. To me it gives me strength to weather my own personal storms. I take solace in knowing when I am completely empty I will be filled. I find peace in realizing everything I need is already given to me. I hope one day I can completely embrace the one and be a teacher to others.

I know I have said this before but the Tao Te Ching like other religious scriptures covers many of the same concepts. This verse gives us lessons to confront our greatest enemy our very own ego. If we stop trying to become noticed all the time whether it be at our jobs, with our friends, or in a relationship we will shine brighter. If we stop justifying ourselves all the time we will be heard. This is hard for me because I feel I need to justify myself all the time. I feel a compelling urge to always be right, and I will fight my point to the bitter end. I am certain if I were to shut my mouth and remain open minded to the words I am hearing the outcomes would improve ten fold. Not only would I truly hear what is being said; my points will then be better received. If we choose to listen and not argue or fight with those around us then no one will quarrel with us. If we are living a Tao centered life, then how can anyone truly be offended by your actions?

We need to plant a palm tree seed within ourselves nurtured with the greatness of the Tao. Our roots should be grounded in a Tao centered life. If we can accomplish this we can weather any storm. Like the palm trees in nature everything they need to survive is provided to them by the Tao. The reason these things are provided because the tree is receptive to the Tao's nourishment. We need to have this same kind of faith, we need to trust that everything we need is here right now, and everything we will ever need will be provided as long as we are receptive. The Tao isn't trying to get somewhere other than where it is. It has no goals, desires, or judgments it flows everywhere because it is the energy of creation. We are taught to be empty. I think the only way we can be filled is by becoming completely empty. We need to rid ourselves of possessions, attachments, desires, and ego. If we become empty and receptive we will be filled with the loving energy of the Tao.

The Moral and Ethical Dilemma of "The Shield" Intro

If you had the power to allow one murder to walk free in exchange for ten others to be behind bars; would you? This is the core moral and ethical dilemma behind the series "The Shield." This is what I had to consistently ask myself throughout this show to defend the main characters actions I had grown to love. You had two separate groups of fans in this show; those who believed what the "Strike Team" had done were good, and those who believed their actions were evil. I am not going into great depth about the show because frankly this could turn into a twenty page critique of the show. This is just an introduction into an in-depth look into this show. In the end I hope to answer the question if despite their crimes, were these cops good or bad. I also want to analyze their moral and ethical decline, and to see how each character justifies their actions.  

It has been a few years since "The Shield" aired its series finale episode. I was in love with this show, and still to this day declare it to be the best television series of all time. I do not feel another show will ever capture such complex emotions and show such intense inner struggles in confronting what is morally right and what is morally wrong. The creator Shawn Ryan did a fantastic job of portraying the main characters struggle to walk the fine line between good and evil in the name of justice and self preservation. The members of The Strike Team consistently blurred this line with justifications for their actions. In their eyes they felt their actions were morally right because they were taking ten evil people off the streets in the exchange for the protection of one. The further this line between good and evil was blurred the further they walked away from their morality, until it became increasingly more difficult to internally justify their actions.

"The Shield" is about a small group of cops on the Gang Strike Team in Farmington, California. This was a close nit group of good cops who concocted a unique way to keep order in the city, ala mafia style. They knew Farmington was overrun by criminals, and was one of the highest crime cities in the state. They knew they would never win the war against the gangs, cease the distribution of narcotics, or win the war against crime. The Strike Team made a deal with the devil by allowing a local gang to run their operation in exchange for peace on the streets, tips to arrest their competition; and tips to arrest other criminals. In exchange for this the Strike Team collected a cut of the gangs' profits and was heralded as heroes by keeping the peace. They were known for their police brutality, and this brutality was overlooked because of how affective they were. Beyond the working relationship with this gang, and the moral issues of police brutality the Strike Team operated within the laws they were charged to protect, at least for awhile. This first initial blur between walking the line between morally right and morally wrong cemented their destiny to the final conclusion of this series.

The question I had to keep asking myself throughout this shows tenure was this. "Despite their immoral actions for moral reasons; were these characters good or evil?" On one hand they were committing a crime by allowing this gang to operate, but their reasons behind it were morally justified. They were well aware that what they were doing was wrong and against the law. You could tell this by their quest to continually cover their tracks, and then to cover the tracks they just covered. You did get the sense that even though they knew their actions were wrong, they were able to internally justify them. As the series progressed they were continually having to confront these struggles between what they were doing was right or wrong. You could tell they were hesitant to take that next step past the moral and ethical line between right and wrong, although they almost didn't have a choice in the matter. When they were confronted with this moral and ethical dilemma they continued to find new justification for why they were talking that next step further away from the moral line.

I believe each character prior to joining the Strike Team was a morally and ethically just police officer. It was only when they were teamed up, and took the first initial step past that invisible line between good and evil; is when things started to spiral out of control. This calls to question if we begin to blur the line between right and wrong will we as well suffer a similar fate? By the end of the series the characters had no resemblance to the characters from the first episode. Their continued justifications for their actions in the name of morality; just rotted them to their very core. Even after six years of watching the apprehensible actions this team perpetrated I was still stuck on the question of "are these men truly bad?" More times than not my conclusion was no, I believed their ends justified their means.

I still miss this show, and I doubt their will ever be another show to top it. It is a classic with so many things going on; on a much deeper level than what you see on your television screen. Their internal struggle to continually do bad things to accomplish good things was perfectly portrayed. You could feel, sense, and see the internal ethical struggle of what is good and what is evil in each character Add in their quest to cover up said bad things and in doing so caused them to further blur the line between right and wrong in the name of freedom. In the end they became what they first started to protect the city against. Their fears of being caught messed with their minds into walking further away from morality. All these things came to a climax in the final episode of the series which logically ended the only way it could, despite of what some of the fans may have wanted.

In the end when you measure up all the bad things the Strike Team did, you cannot discount all the great things they have done. This is the key dilemma to this show which is not so black and white on if they should be considered good or bad. My first two runs through this show I thought this was a good group of people who made bad decisions, but despite these bad decisions these characters were good. My wife on the other hand views these characters as evil. This I think is what interests me the most. I am excited to have a reason to re-watch this wonderful series. If you have not already watched this show I highly recommend it. This show is truly a work of genius.

Absurdism, Religion, and Nothing

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is."

Albert Camus

I have heard this reasoning by many different people when I have embarked in a theological discussion. This reasoning is given to justify one's faith in a higher power along with the existence of some sort of punishment in an afterlife for non-believing. The individual's train of thought is fueled by their fear of suffering for an eternity. To this believer they half heartedly believe in this faith because of the fear of thinking otherwise will result in a negative outcome. I can guarantee you if you were to go back into time and take out the fear of hell in the Christian/Catholic faith you would find many more atheists or those believing in other religions. The seed of fear is planted in them and thus, grows a tree with roots based in trepidation. This fear and this type of comment fuels their desire to believe. This type of believer will follow suit but deep in their hearts they lack any real faith. I have a reader named Johanna and I can guarantee you she would not utter this phrase. She knows her religion as well as she knows herself and believes with a strong heart and mind. I respect those of you who are able to muster such strong faith. When we look at the universe and are short existence on it, we are driven to find meaning in our utter insignificance. We need to feel special in a way. If we look at the universe and our relation to it, you will find out you are basically nothing compared to the grand scheme of things. This concept draws people to find meaning in an illogical being.

Albert Camus did not make this quote because this is his justification for his faith, although he did battle the ultimate contradiction of searching for faith on one hand and in a way speaking out against it. He was asking this in a philosophical and theological context. Camus founded a school of philosophical thinking called absurdism. In philosophy, the absurd refers to the conflict between the human mind to seek inherent meaning in life and the human inability to find any. In this sense absurd does not mean logically impossible, but rather humanly impossible. I would challenge this because the belief of a higher being can be proven illogically impossible as I did in two posts I wrote in June The Senseless Silliness of Gods Omnipotence, and  Adam and Eve: Proof of Gods Follies. I debated with elementary logic that the existence of God in the Bible can indeed be proven false.

In absurdist philosophy, the absurd arises out of the fundamental disharmony between the individual's search for meaning and the apparent meaninglessness of the universe. When considering the universe there is no meaning yet it is in perfect order. The universe and the mind do not each separately cause the absurd, but rather, the absurd arises by the contradictory nature of the two existing simultaneously. Absurdism, therefore, is a philosophical school of thought stating that the efforts of humanity to find inherent meaning will ultimately fail (and hence are absurd), because no such meaning exists, at least in relation to the individual. As a philosophy, absurdism also explores the fundamental nature of the Absurd and how individuals, once becoming conscious of the Absurd, should react to it.

Absurdism is very closely related to existentialism and nihilism and has its origins in the 19th century philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard (one of my favorites), who chose to confront the crisis humans faced with the absurd by developing existential philosophy. I am a fan of existentialism in a philosophical context. Existentialism asks the individual to find meaning in his or her own life instead of reaching out to some sort of higher power. I can follow this train of thought, yet I find my thought to be that of existential nihilism, which briefly states life has no real meaning. The funny thing is this is contradictory to my journey into the Tao. I am searching for meaning in a concept that is asking me to believe in a higher power than myself, therefore I have attempted to find meaning within something other than myself, when I also believe there is no God, and no real meaning to our lives, so I do come off contradictory.

Deep inside of me there still lies the seeds of fear planted in me long ago. This fear from time to time will say "what if your wrong?" This nags at me, and is proof how powerful fear can be. I am an athiets at heart, but is also searching for meaning beyond myself. There are days I may be feeling the spirit and have faith that there is divine order and everything just makes sense, then there are the days where I realize the vastness of the universe and the divine chaos within it and feel insignificant compared to the grand order of things. Where there is no meaning and everything is simply happenstance and random. There are some days where this fear is far greater than the fear of eternal damnation because there is nothing awaiting us.

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."

Barbara de Angelis

You can never lose by loving because love is the supreme positive emotion which we can ever experience. It can also be said that love can be the most painful emotion when it is lost. I know from experience; a broken heart can completely tear your soul apart. The question examined here is if a day of love is worth a day of pain? I sit here right now examining this question and wondering if the pain I have felt over lost loves was worth the joys it brought.

Including teenage love (which isn't always real love) I have been in love a few times in my life. I do remember the exciting joys of when you first start flirting and getting involved. It is so new and so exciting. I remember when I was teenager talking to my girlfriend for hours at night never running out of things to say. The conversations would last so long until one of us fell asleep. There was this great feeling of becoming connected. Nothing can beat the certain excitement over the butterflies you feel when you first start falling in love. I remember wanting to spend every waking moment with them because I didn't feel complete without her. The joys of being loved, and loving was the greatest narcotic of this thing we call life. I remember these dream feelings, but I also remember the nightmare destined to follow.

The days and months prior to and after the loss of my first love was the most painful emotional rollercoaster I have ever been on. I could sense the impending doom of our relationship which only caused me to try to cling to her even more tightly. This clinging did nothing but put the final nails in the coffin of our relationship. When it was finally said and done it felt like somebody ripped my heart out of my chest and defecated on it. For months and even years I felt the after affects of my loss. I am sure every one of my readers can relate to the joys of your first or even third love, and can also relate to the pains of those loves lost. So I ask again was the two years of happiness, worth the two years of pain to follow?  

I think I would have been better off holding back than jumping into things with both feet forward. I had love and acceptance issues growing up, and when the first person who came around outside of my family started to show me love I was hooked. I wanted my life to be completely about her and us, and this over smothering eventually caused the downfall of our relationship. We were just teenagers yet we were dating like adults. After this relationship I held back on every one of my subsequent relationships. I built a wall and system which kept me from falling that deeply in love with another person again. I had many different relationships after; but I held back on each and every single one of them. The last thing I ever wanted to feel again was the pain of a broken heart. I think even today there are still remnants of this wall. So I ask again was two years of love worth the damaged caused many years later?

I think love is like reincarnation in the Buddhist faith. With every life you learn a new lesson on your path to enlightenment and enter into Nirvana. I think in each time we enter into a relationship and allow love to enter our hearts then feel the pains of love leaving we take with us a valuable lesson to apply to our next relationship. With enough lessons mixed with fate we finally end up with the one we are truly meant to be with. Hopefully with enough lessons learned you will become an enlightened mate, and not be the douche which caused your last four relationships to fail.  

I think this advice is great but I have to question the credentials of the source. De Angelis is a relationship consultant, and personal growth advisor. She has written fourteen best-selling books on these topics. This all sounds great right? Well she received her master's degree in psychology from Sierra University which isn't like going to a real school. She then followed this degree up with a Ph.D. in psychology from Columbia Pacific University which is now-defunct unaccredited institution. Okay so just because of these two things we can not necessarily discredit her knowledge of relationships, but we can with this… she has been married and divorced five times! I personally do not think anyone who has failed that many times at marriage should be qualified to give others advice on relationships. I leave you with some lyrics from "The Rose" which speaks eloquently on not holding back.

"It's the heart afraid of breaking

that never learns to dance

It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken

who cannot seem to give

and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live"

"The Rose" by: Bette Midler  

I think if I didn't head the advice of this song than I would have never found my rose. If I never allowed the seed of love to be planted than I would be alone with out my wife and family, so I guess you could say either way you look at this conundrum; it all ends up working out in the end.                                          

Bought And Sold To The Highest Bidder

Bought And Sold To The Highest Bidder.

The Tao Of Poetry

Okay so I am working on this poetry book inspired by the Tao Te Ching. I plan on adding my own translation of all 81 verses. I am not going to alter it to the point where the meaning is lost; I am going to just change a few words. I am not sure but I think you need to alter the translation so you do not do any copyright infringement. So I am going to include the verse then after the verse I am going to include 1-4 poems inspired by the corresponding verse. I plan on self publishing this title as I did for the last two since publishing a poetry book with a publishing house is damn near impossible. I am enjoying working on this project because it causes me to look deeper into the Tao Te Ching, and develop a deeper understanding of the great Tao. I would like to include the first verse along with my two rough drafts poems to go along with it. Please any feedback would be helpful.

Verse 1

The Tao that can be spoken, is not the eternal Tao

The Tao that can be named, is not the eternal name

The Tao is both named and nameless

As nameless it is the origin of all things

As named it is the Mother of the universe

Ever desiring one can only see her manisfistations

Ever desireless, one will see her mystery

These two spring from the same source, but differ in name

The mystery is the doorway to all understanding

This doorway is the gateway to heaven

Lao-tzu

I constructed this verse with four separate translations. I added two things first I said "the Mother of the universe." The original verse uses the "Mother of 10,000 things." I have never really liked this usage. I believe the Tao is the Mother of everything and I believe she gave birth to the universe when the big bang happened. I was always turned off by the ten thousand things reference. I also added at the end "this doorway is the gateway to heaven." I hope this will not turn people away from this book, I just think a few things can be added to explain the meaning more. Okay so now I am going to include my two poems.

Verse 1 Poem

I am unknowable

Unseeable

Yet I am in your thoughts

I am right before your eyes

Everything comes from my center

Just as the center of your chi

everything that has or will be is my essence

Let go and allow me in

I will show you understanding

Stop trying to make your life work

Let it be

Allow me to show you the Way

Tim Lundmark

Verse 1 Poem

I cannot be named

Try and I will escape you

Strictly desiring me; all you will see are things

If you choose to desire your possessions

And I will flow through your fingers

Be desireless

And I will flow with you

Stop trying

Simply allow

Then I will show you the mystery of the Way

Tim Lundmark

The tough part I am finding is capturing the main message of the verse in poetry form. I am not too happy with my first drafts and definitely feel like there is room for improvement. For now I am going to continue studying these verse's and find the true meaning. I do not expect to find understanding within the Tao within a short period of timed. This will probably take me a year or so to finish. I just wonder since I am self-publishing if this is even worth my time.

Bought And Sold To The Highest Bidder

"The greatest power is not money power, but political power."

Walter Annenberg

Personally I do not agree this statement to be true. The power today is in who has the most money, and who is paying our politicians. It is the money infiltrating our elected officials which fuels the machine we call democracy. I wrote a piece months back asking the question if we are Plutocracy. I believe we are. I think when Annenberg first took over his fathers publishing business in 1942 this may have been a true statement. In today's world money supersedes political power. I would guess most if not all of our politicians are in the pockets of corporations and special interest groups. This my friends is a sad state of affairs. I feel sick to my stomach knowing decisions are being made not in the people's best interests, but in the best interests of those who possess the most money. I feel appalled that the people of this country have just sat back and allowed this monstrosity to occur. 

I have no idea when this trend changed. I know the change occurred prior to my birth in 1979. If I were to make a guess I would say things started to change and the rich started to seize our country during Nixon's presidency. I have no concrete proof of this it is just a hunch. If you look at Annenberg's bio you will see in 1966 he used his media business to sabotage a political campaign. If it were not for his media outlets reporting untrue negative things about Milton Shapp he most likely would have won the election. The reasons Annenberg started this early example of a smear campaign was because Shapp was opposing the merger between Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central. His reasons were not known until after his death when it was revealed that Annenberg was the biggest individual stockholder in Pennsylvania Railroad.

I think this example shows how powerful media outlets are, and who owns our media outlets? Corporations do. During election time we are bombarded with positive and negative things about the candidates many of which are not true on either side. I remember during the healthcare deal. The media (probably paid by insurance companies) aired many commercials against Obama's healthcare reform bill. These smear commercials greatly affected how the people felt about this bill. I think the meer mention of socialism really killed the momentum Obama built during his campaign. Then you look at those who cast the votes and you can be guaranteed they are making decisions based off of who is paying them the most money; sadly it isn't the people. The heartbreaking part is people do not take the time to try to find the truth they just believe what they are told by their televisions. We missed out on something that would have help millions upon millions of struggling Americans get affordable healthcare. Now it looks like the current bill may actually cause problems, instead of correcting them, unfortunately these problems favor the insurance companies not the American people. Isn't it amazing what money can do?   

Walter Hubert Annenberg (March 13, 1908 – October 1, 2002) was an American publisher, philanthropist, and diplomat. He owned several publications such as TV Guide, Seventeen, The Philadelphia Inquirer. In 1966, Annenberg used the pages of The Inquirer to cast doubt on the candidacy of Democrat Milton Shapp, for governor of Pennsylvania. Shapp was highly critical of the proposed merger of the Pennsylvania Railroad with the New York Central and was pushing the U.S. Interstate Commerce Commission to stop it. Walter Annenberg, who according to his New York Times obituary, was the biggest individual stockholder of the Pennsylvania Railroad, wanted to see the merger go through and was frustrated with Shapp's opposition. During a press conference, an Inquirer reporter asked Shapp if he had ever been a patient in a mental hospital. Having never been in one, Shapp simply said "no". The next day, a five-column front page Inquirer headline read, "Shapp Denies Mental Institution Stay." Shapp and others have attributed his loss of the election to Annenberg's newspaper.

Going to Bring Sexy Back

Like most people in America I am very self-conscious about my body and the way I look. I feel very uneasy in my own skin, which I think adds to my shy nature and lack of confidence. I have never really thought I was part of the "beautiful people" which over the years has really bothered me. I find this kind of strange since I am very anti-conformity. A sure sign of conformity is letting society dictate to you what is beautiful over what is ugly, and what is popular over unpopular. I am not sure why I have allowed mainstream media to say to me whether I am beautiful or not, but I have and still do. I trace the root of this complexity to my early experiences with television.  

We are bombarded everyday with television, magazines, movies, and commercials' telling us what is sexy and what isn't. When I was younger I was introduced by the media to something called "popularity" and the opposite side of the spectrum the term "geek." I was not yet judgmental of anyone until I learned of the social divide within the subculture known as public schools. I knew from movies such as "Lucas," "Pretty in Pink," "Weird Science," and "Can't Buy Me Love" the last thing I ever wanted to be was a geek. The popular and beautiful people in these and other movies of that time showed me that my highest objective in my youth is to be on the proper side of the cool meter. (Apparently during the eighties if you had any sort of eye conditions you were doomed to being a dork, and most likely a part of the AV club.) I did not need glasses but for most of my childhood I was on the wrong side of the cool meter. The more I found myself in this crowed the more resentment grew towards myself. I think the years of being teased only furthered my desire to be "beautiful."  I was never able to achieve this elusive label.

I wish I felt more comfortable in my body, but I don't. In my lifetime I hope to see a world that puts very little emphasis on the outward appearance of people. I want to live in a world where your beauty is judged by who you are inside not what you look like on the outside. I know ultimately I am responsible for my own body and if I wish to change it then I need to quit whining and do something about it. I know this but it is so much easier to say then to actually do. The problem I have is I lack any self discipline when it comes to my eating habits. I do not eat breakfast or lunch during the week, so my only meal is dinner. This is never enough to fill me up and I end up snacking until late at night then lay my fat ass down and go to sleep. I work a desk job, so I am sitting down all day long and get very little exercise when I am at work. The last thing I want to do when I get home or on the weekends is spend hours at the gym, when it is so much easier sitting on the couch watching football. I know because of all this I have only myself to blame for my appearance and I am in a cycle of self-loathing, then acceptance then self-loathing again. My body is by no means as out of control as some others, but I definitely have a belly and love handles this is where I end up carrying all my excess weight. I have never thought I carried it well hence why I am so self-conscious about myself. I just once want to be noticed as an attractive man, instead of what I am.

Why do we place such a large emphases on beauty? The Tao teaches us to never judge, and says the only way we know beauty is because we have defined ugliness. Children are far crueler than adults. I know now I will not be teased for my appearance as I had in my youth. I feel confident in not being judged by others, but I still feel a sense of sadness knowing I will not be judged for my beauty. I know I won't be judged for my non-beauty so I guess I will take what I can get. I have hit the point where my self-loathing of my appearance supersedes any positive feelings I have. I have reached the point where my worries over others judging me have turned inward where I am always judging myself. This inner judgment has been destructive on my overall self-esteem. I just want the day to come where I can purchase extra large clothing and not feel like a complete slob. Although I am between sizes I want to hang my head high when I purchase size 38 jeans. I want to see some commercials where my peeps are doing underwear commercials.

I think an aspect of the American Dream is to have a membership in the beautiful peoples club. I do not know many people who would willingly shun this exclusive membership. I am sure you wouldn't find one single man or woman who would say "I really just wish I would get fatter to further distance my chances of ever getting laid." I don't need to worry about this though because my wife thinks I brought sexy back years ago and hasn't left since.

Will I Be Rejected For Being Me?

I was talking with my mom last night asking for her advice, and to hear her comforting voice to talk me down from the mania I was in. I was having issues on how to manage and structure a certain on-going theme for this blog (will touch on this in separate post.) This complete lack in structure and organization was crushing my brain. We started talking about "Dylan Thomas" my children's book series. She brought up a great point which has always been in the back of my mind, but I always try to bury it away. She said that I may have a hard time finding an agent because of the poetry books I have written, as well as the content on this blog. When she said this it brought my personal fears to the forefront of my consciousness. This buried realization along with my mania transformed into complete panic.

I am well aware the only way I am going to realize my writing dreams is through my "Dylan Thomas" series. Children books are far more popular than poetry books, and I don't mean to toot my own horn but the two books I have already written in this series are bad ass. We have to read to our youngest for fifteen minutes every night, and I am always amazed on how some of these books were even published. My writing style for this series is poetry mixed with a Dr. Seuss feel. I felt I was 100% certain I will get an agent, but at the same time an agent may be afraid to sign me because of my adult poetry books and the content on this blog. I know when I first started writing this blog; much of the material was centered on my mental illness, but lately I have not focused so much on my personal struggles, unless I absolutely need to get it off my chest.

Like I wrote in "Piss Off Corporate America" I wonder if I have nuked the bridges between me and the possibility of being signed by a literary agent. If I send my query letter to them will they Google my name and judge me based off who I am, or will they judge me by the content of my manuscript? I am just sick with anxiety over this, because I can do nothing about it. I self-published two of my three poetry books so I very well could pull them off the market, but there is nothing I can do about my other one. It is already on Amazon, and has been the vocal point of various different discussion boards. There is also nothing I can do about what I have written on this blog. I can shutdown my account but I think everything I have already written will be here forever. Although this blog has a modest following I cannot imagine not writing in it. Oh shit I just realized I could probably change the author name on here! Do you guys think that is a good idea?

In the end my question is this. Do you think I will be rejected by children's books agents because of my persona of being as my mom put it "a complete fucking lunatic?" Should I change the author name on this blog? Should I pull my two self-published poetry books for sale off the internet, or should I just use a pen name for those as well? Doing all this will require hours of work, so do you think it is worth it? Please feedback and answers to my questions are greatly needed so I can cure my panic.

Thanks

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A Godless Nation

I don't want any of my regular readers to freak out but I am going to think like a Christian for a moment. I have always pondered on when, why, and how our country started falling apart. I am pondering this question and some verses from Proverbs stuck into my head. This got me thinking about God, and the role he played in peoples lives many years ago. The people who founded this country were religious God fearing people. Although they believed there should be a wall of separation between religion and the government; most of them were still god fearing people. Our ancestors passed on this love and worship of God unto their children, and they passed it onto their children. Using God as the foundation for our nation and everything she stood for is what made us great. We lived by the commandments of God, and followed His teachings.

"The light of the righteous shines brightly, but the lamp of the wicked is snuffed out"

Proverbs chapter 13 verse 9

Years ago a population of our people were not happy that God was still in our government and in our schools. They believed this impeded on their 1st amendment rights to religious freedom. The people demanded the wall of separation between church and state be enforced. Many were unhappy prayers were still going on in schools, while others were unhappy religious principles and such were used in government. I have always thought this was one of the greatest things to happen, but in looking through the eyes of a Christian I can see how this decision has altered our country.

"If you forsake the LORD and serve foreign gods, he will turn and bring disaster on you and make an end of you, after he has been good to you."

Joshua chapter 24 verse 20

We as a nation have turned our back on the Lord by throwing him out of our government and our schools. This got me thinking about two verses in Proverbs. In the book of Proverbs it gives many lessons on how to live a just and righteous life. I compare Proverbs to the Tao Te Ching because of the philosophical and moral guidelines it gives the reader on how to act and behave. I do not remember every single chapter and verse but there are two I remember which are pertinent to this post the first is Proverbs chapter 14 verse 34 "Righteousness exalts a nation" If righteousness causes a nation to be powerful and right in the eyes of the Lord then surely unrighteousness will destroy it.

"But rebels and sinners will both be broken, and those who turn their backs on the LORD will perish."

Isaiah chapter 1 verse 28

There are many out there who believe the origin of the downfall of this nation started when we turned our backs on God. We were once a God fearing nation, because of this we were the greatest nation in history. I am trying to view this conception through the eyes of a Christian and to be honest with you I can see some truth in this. In this mind frame I am apt to believe the separation between church and state is the work of Satan. Thinking this way I can see how Satan has infiltrated our country. I also he infiltrated our churches by changing the Sabbath from the seventh day to the first day. In doing this we are breaking one of the commandments on a weekly basis. I think this is another way Satan has deceived us.

"If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you reject him, he will reject you forever."

Chronicles 1 chapter 28 verse 9

Have we written our own death sentence by turning our back on the Lord? Have we led our children into a life of sin, by keeping God away from them? There was a time when America had the best schools; since we have restricted the worship of God they have gone downhill. If we continued to teach our children about God, would we have had school shootings? We were once the mightiest nation in history, but could our downfall have to do with throwing God out of our government? There are many countries that have a separation between the church and the government. I would like to point out one that does not; Norway. I ask you this; when was the last time you heard about the moral decline of Norway. Have we allowed our people to become not right with God? If they continued to teach the Bible when I was in school would I be the cynic I am today? Would I be consumed with mental illness if I had someone or something to turn to? Have we taken the hand of the deceiver and allowed him to lead us astray? In the Bible it has many lessons for the glory the righteous will receive, and for the torment and despair the unrighteous will experience.

"For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. They will be protected  forever, but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;"

Psalms chapter 37 verse 28

Okay time to step back into my shoes. I am not a believer in the Bible, and I do not believe the words inside are the Word of God. I still have doubts if my beliefs are correct or not. I have seen shows on the Bible Code which makes me think. My father also tries to get me to read the prophecies to show me these things are coming true. I still find a sense of serenity when I read the word, but like I said before I feel the same way when I am studying the Tao or various other teachings. The seed of fear is still inside of me, that fear of eternal damnation. This was planted in me as a child, and still affects me till today. I wonder if I should be like millions of Christians out there who believe because they would rather be right and live in heaven then be wrong and spend an eternity in hell. I do not think this is the proper motive to worship God. I consider myself a Taoist who studies other religions for fun. In my life I have never felt better and whole then when I am studying the words in the Tao Te Ching. This is what fills that hole which is inside of all of us.  I must say though there are times I read the Bible and question myself on whether I have it all wrong. This doesn't last for to long… or does it?