Tim Lundmark's Blog, page 20

Here Is Your Rifle Mr. President

"The tragedy of modern war is that the young men die fighting each other – instead of their real enemies back home in the capitals."

Edward Abbey

How true is this statement? It is so easy for our leaders to make decisions on war when it is not their lives or their children's lives on the line. If we were to create a law stating any representative who votes to either continue the war in Afghanistan or whether to enter into a new war would be required by law to serve in said war. I wonder how many of them would vote to continue this current war we are in. I wonder how they would address this current crisis in North Korea. Can you honestly think Obama would continue the war in Afghanistan if he knew he would have to suit up and head off to war? I can guarantee you we would see zero votes regarding continuing or beginning any kind of war. This is an issue for me because we have leaders who only discuss such things in a heavily guarded palace far away from any dangers. It is easy to use human pawns in the name of democracy, when you are safe at home.

I would love to ask our elected officials if they are ready to be sent off to South Korea where they would need to face the fourth largest standing army in the world. I would love to see what their votes would be if they had army gear waiting for them at the air port. I wonder if the Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong-il would continue to be a crazy fucker if he had to personally lead the troops into the south. Knowing how unstable he is I am sure he would be game for such things.

I just think our leaders need to stop using our children as toys to achieve an agenda which honestly makes no sense. There is no way we will win this war in Afghanistan. It is sad to know that each day another young man dies. It is sad to know that we as a country are creating widows and fatherless children all in the name of what? I understand we are trying to defeat the terrorist, but in reality that will never happen. You can kill one leader and immediately another one surfaces. Our presence in the Middle East is only throwing more fuel on the fire. We are actually creating more enemies with real motives to hate America. If we were to just get out of the Middle East 100% and let them work it out for themselves then the terrorists would lose reasons to attack us.

I believe we need to pull all of our troops out of the countries we are currently in. I think there is something like 30k troops in Germany. Why is this necessary? I think if we brought these troops home, and used them to protect our borders we would be safe, and over time our popularity with other countries would improve because we would no longer be playing the daddy role over the world. I do not think North Korea would hate us so much if we did not have so many troops in the south. I think we need to realize that there are countries out there that if they wanted to could squash us like a bug.

I do not believe our representatives would vote for war if they and their families would be required to serve. This statement is a powerful one if you think about it. They can vote for death and destruction as long as they and their families are safe. I think this shows they are not that for the war. Why is it okay for the sons and daughters of Americans to die in battle when they are not willing to die themselves? In the sixties and seventies there were millions of people who stood up against the war in Vietnam. I really do not understand why this is not happening today. We have been over in the Middle East for years and have spent trillions of dollars to keep this pointless unwinnable war going. Where are the protesters? If our leaders choose to keep this and any future war going then they need to suit the fuck up, or stop voting to kill our troops.

Tao Te Ching: Verse 21

Verse 21

The greatest virtue is to follow the Tao and the Tao alone.

The Tao is elusive and intangible.

Although formless and intangible,

it gives rise to form.

Although vague and elusive,

it gives rise to shapes.

Although dark and obscure,

it is the spirit, the essence,

the life breath of all things.

Throughout the ages, its name has been preserved

in order to recall the beginning of all things.

How do I know the ways of all things at the beginning?

I look inside myself and see what is within me.

Lao-tzu

Here is where I get lost and almost turned off by the Tao Te Ching. I am not going to try and guess what Lao-tzu may or may not be saying in this verse; instead I am going to give my theory on what the Tao is. I do not like the first line where it says to "follow the Tao and the Tao alone." I think this is greatly out of place for any conceptions of what the Tao is supposed to stand for. The Tao does not pass judgments based on whether we believe or not. The Tao will always provide for us whenever or whatever we need. I suppose I was hoping the Tao Te Ching would not take me down the path of an "exclusive" faith. With that being said I am still in the infancy stages of learning about the great Tao, just like the Bible I cannot expect to fully understand by just reading and meditating on the first twenty-one verses. I hope by the time I reach the 81st verse I will have a great understanding of the Tao's teachings, and with guidance from such readers as "The Rambling Taoist" I may obtain better understanding. I am sure this will be a long process there are times I still find myself going back to the first verse.

I believe the Tao is the beginning of life itself. I think the big bang was the Tao giving birth to everything in the universe. The Tao continue to create and take away life. It is never-ending. In some verses of the Tao Te Ching the Tao is referred to as the "Mother of 10,000 things." In my translation I have changed this to the Mother of the universe." I think this fits better. In the fourth verse of the Tao Te Ching it states that the Tao is the father of God Himself. I believe this is the very God of the Bible, Quran, Torah, and insert any religious belief here_______. I find it interesting that the Tao says "Father." This insinuates to me that God's are created by the masculine which is destructive compared to the life giving essence of the feminine.

I was having a conversation with an old friend months ago, and he was telling me about his religious beliefs. I was amazed by his insight, and while I was listening to him a light bulb went off inside of me and it made so much of the Tao's origin made sense to me. I am not going to get into great detail on his beliefs, but he describes the center of the universe is where all life goes and returns to. It sounded like this giant sphere of light and energy. He said this is heaven, the place where all life comes and returns to. I believe this to be the center of the Tao; the center of all creation. I believe Nebulas are the Tao's womb, the birthplace of stars, and with stars comes solar systems, within solar systems are planets, and within planets are life or death. We as humans would not have evolved if things were just slightly different. We may have ended up like Venus or Mars, but we didn't and through billions of years we are what we have become. A blessing mixed with happenstance.

I believe when you die your shen returns to the center only to return to another place when it is ready. I believe in reincarnation, but not in the sense the Buddhist believe. I do not think you need to reincarnate in stages until you reach Nirvana, I believe Nirvana is the center and you travel to it every time you pass. This is the place where everything becomes one. I believe your shen is aware and possess conscience. This is where you reunite with loved ones.

In the end I have no idea if this is true. I want so badly to believe this to curb my sense of fear over death. I want to know my loved ones are in a better place. When I first started re-reading the Tao Te Ching I tried to look at Taoism as a philosophical guiding stick on the proper way to live. It was a year ago I really tried to understand Taoism on a spiritual level, since then it has had a bigger impact on my development as a person. This desire to believe and have faith in the Tao on a spiritual level only came after my best friend passed and I was once again confronted with my own mortality. Like the first verse says no one can describe or define the Tao, when we try it is not the eternal name. I think this is something we all must try to describe to further us down our spiritual path.

I Don't Really Trust A Sane Person.

"I don't really trust a sane person."

Lyle Alzado

Which is worse a man in the midst of insanity or the man who is under control and sane? I love this quote because it asks us to examine this question. At first you might say to yourself that the insane man is by far more dangerous, but is this true? Yes I think society has taught us to fear the insane, and trust the sane. I know full well the psyche of the insane; because I live it everyday. I do think however the more dangerous of the two is a man who is sane. I am not condemning the sane; I am simply saying they are harder to trust. At least you know what you are getting with someone who is a little wacky. If you understand the illness you will come to understand the behaviors. These behaviors become predictable and routine cycles. Sane people on the other hand are extremely unpredictable. They are able to plot diabolical schemes capable of harming millions of people.

I will use President Bush as an example. He may be simple minded, but he is not insane, even the evil overseer of Mr. Bush Dick Cheney by all definitions would be considered sane. These two men along with all their "sane" republican friends were responsible for immeasurable amounts of crazy shit. The war in Iraq was perpetrated by lies in order to gain support to start a war. They enacted such laws as the Patriot Act which in essence caused a piece of our freedom to be striped away from us. Because of this they are able to invade our privacy at the drop of a hat. Because of the war we have wasted trillions of dollars and caused the deaths of thousands of American troops and uncountable amounts of death to our enemies. Because of "sane" men and women our economy has completely crumbled, and our leaders actually passed a bill to bailout the very banks that were responsible for our downfall. These same "sane" leaders have allowed our government to be taken over by big business.

At least for those of us who are clinically insane we can take medicine to manage our symptoms. This same thing can not be said about the sane. There is nothing that can be done for those who lets say are so consumed with greed they would come up with a ponzi scheme to take billions of dollars away from unsuspecting people. An insane man could simply not come up with such an elaborate and organized scheme. I will not deny there are those who are criminally insane, and yes I could not see myself trusting them, but at least I can tell who they are. I am sure if I met Charles Manson on the street I would know I am up against a crazy fucker and should stay far away from him. The same can not be said about meeting Dick Cheney. If I were to just meet him on the street I would think he is some normal great guy, completely unaware of the evil inside of him.

Because of this uncertainty I just can't bring myself to trust a sane person. They can easily hide their evil side, and their hidden agendas. There is no medication to take away their greed and corruption. I even believe many of the murderers out there would be considered by all medical definitions sane. I think as a society we need to label these individuals as "insane" to make us feel safe and more in control of our lives. The downfall of our society is not by the hands of the loonies walking the streets, but the "normal" men and woman perpetrating evil inside our government.

Lyle Alzado was an NFL defensive lineman. He was famous for his intense and intimidating style of play. He played 15 seasons, splitting his time between the Denver Broncos, Cleveland Browns and most famously the Los Angeles Raiders, with whom he won a championship in Super Bowl XVIII. Alzado was one of the first major athletes to admit to using steroids. He died after a battle with brain cancer in 1992 at the age of 43. He retired in 1985 so I was not old enough to remember watching him play. He was one of the players of his era who defined the role of a defensive lineman.

Hey God! I Thought We Kicked Your Ass Out

Tell me what you think of these songs:

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to people of good will. We praise thee, we bless thee." From Gloria Canon

"We are marching in the light of God" From An African Celebration

"Let us sing altogether to the Son of God. He is born as our saviour and redeemer. Come see the Christ child in the manger. The sweet little babe, Christ the King." From Psallite

"Holy, Holy, Holy Lord of hosts. Holy, Holy, Holy God of power and might. Heaven and earth are filled with all your glorious works. Blest are they who worship in your Holy Name. Holy, Holy, Holy Lord of hosts. Holy, Holy, Holy God of power and might. Holy, Holy, Holy evermore the same." From Sanctus

So what do you think of when you read these lyrics? Would you say these are religious songs? Would you come to the conclusion that perhaps these songs would be sung in a church? I come here to you today as a pissed off parent to find out these very same songs were performed by my daughters PUBLIC school choir. I was never informed and there was never a permission slip given to me asking if I thought this material was okay. I never received anything from her school. I did not find out about this until I was sitting in the stands and the program was passed out.

I was immediately outraged by this! I could not contain my emotions. I expressed my frustrations to my wife which started a separation of church and state debate in the stands of the auditorium. I am sure the parents sitting around us were either offended or amused by our banter. In my opinion this shit does not belong in our public schools. This is a clear violation of separation between church and state. You can clearly see these songs are religious based. The lyrics do not try and hide there purpose. It is just BAM in your face. I wanted to get up; grab my daughter and pull her from this performance. I will be contacting her school today. But wait it doesn't stop there!

I was chatting with my daughter one day afterschool and she was telling me about how in social studies they are learning about Judaism. She recanted the story of Moses and the Pharaoh and the plagues that came to the Egyptian people. She went on to say Moses parted the Red Sea in order to get away. She then explained how Moses reached Mount Sinai and spoke to the burning bush, and about how on the top of the mountain God gave Moses the Ten Commandments written by Gods finger on two stone tablets. They were teaching her this as if it is a fact not a religious belief. I am all up in arms over this. I was irritated when she was telling me about this, and I had to immediately correct her and explain that these events are not real facts they are a man made fairy tale. She has been my daughter long enough to already know this to be true. I think these songs really pushed me off the ledge.

I really want to call her school and confront the principle on this subject. I will try to refrain because I am not sure how articulate I will come across. Now back to the debate with my wife. She was telling me I am an extremist in my views and that I am a hypocrite because I am making such a big deal about this. I am not sure if she really gets my point. Here is my stance. I do not think kids should be exposed to religion until they hit the age of reason. At this point I am all for them seeking out faith if they so choose. If my daughter is fifteen and chooses to go to church I will support her. If she chooses to become a Muslim I will support her. If she so chooses the Tao or to believe in nothing I will support her. Of course I would love to expose her to my belief system, but that goes against what I believe is right for my children. I do not think exposing children to religion is the right thing because their minds are not fully developed and frankly they are gullible and will believe just about anything.

My youngest son (6) has been recently talking a lot about God, Jesus and Heaven. I am not sure where these ideas are coming from but I am not okay with this. He has been told this by someone and now looks at it as a fact. I mean c'mon this kid still believes in Santa Claus so that about says it all. I made a mistake with my daughter. She used to go to this Christian daycare center and was exposed to religion. Every time we talked I had to reprogram her to set her straight. I told her these things are fairy tales and are false teachings. I succeeded in swaying her away from Christianity. She really enjoyed the movie "Religulous" which makes me think she is probably an atheist. This point is where I can see I am hypocritical. I didn't want to do the same thing to my son so I just tell him that this is something people believe, and is not rooted in any logical form of thinking. I really doubt he understands what that means, because he still believes in Jesus just as much as he does Santa Claus. I would love nothing more than to start schooling him in Taoism, but like I said this goes against my belief system.

All I know is I am pissed about her social studies class. Something should have been sent home informing the parents what they will be teaching when it comes to religion. I am also pissed because her choir teacher should have sent something home asking the parents if they are okay with this material. I am a firm believer in the separation between church and state. God has no place in our government and sure as shit has no place in our public schools.

Piss Off Corporate America

When I was younger I wanted nothing to do with the establishment. I hated authority and in return authority hated me. When I was a child I was strongly compelled to do the complete opposite of what those in power told me to do. When I hit my teenage years my rebellion only got worse. I was riding the philosophy of bands such as "Rage Against The Machine," "Pink Floyd," "Green Day," and "Nirvana." There anti-establishment spoke to me. Even though I didn't really know what was going on I still knew there was something drastically wrong with the system.

I never intended to get a real job; I figured I could live off of the money I made from dealing and be completely set. It wasn't until I was about to have my first child I realized dealing was not the greatest business to be in. I learned many valuable things from my years spent in this business and figured I could easily transform what I had learned into a successful management career. Over the years I would slowly become part of the very same establishment I had grown to despise. It wasn't until two years ago I begun laying the tracks to ensure I would never again be accepted by corporate America. I don't want anything to do with the machine. I have always thought hell on earth was becoming a tool. I would rather live poor and save my soul then be rich making deals with the devil.

My first real job was managing a Video Update, and I loved how I could use my experience from managing dealers to managing employees. I did very well for myself and thought I could make a career out of retail management. I figured retail management is not a complete sell out. I ended up fitting the perfect little mold of what was expected of me in my position. I was making more money than most people my age, although a far cry from my previous line of work. I figured I had found my calling. As I got a few years older I had danced around in various retail management positions for a few years until I realized how lame it was. I was beginning to worry about seeing people I went to high school with, and feel the embarrassment of perceived failure. Looking back now I realize that working retail management is a noble career which pays well, but at the time I thought differently. I was making good money, but I felt I was degrading myself everyday I put on a uniform. I started to look for manager jobs outside of retail.

I ended up in this department manager position, which I totally loved. Without even knowing it I had entered the very establishment I wanted nothing to do with, and I was a good little tool. I did everything the vice president asked of me even if it meant going against my morals such as lay offs to increase profits. I did these things and I was great at them. I played a typical manager judging and disciplining those employees with families who god forbid had to call in sick. I went out to schmoozing lunches like a total douche, but I loved it. I felt important and I was making money. I lasted there long enough to be laid off by the very same people I had broke bread with, and the very same people I helped get richer. I made a cardinal sin; I ended up making myself expendable. I managed to get my department to run itself. It ran so well they no longer needed a full-time manager. When it came time for more layoffs I was an overpriced piece of meat. They laid me off and assigned the IT guy to oversee my department.

After leaving this position I found jobs here and there but nothing that was a good fit. I wondered around without a goal or identity. I finally ended up taking a job in collections which little did I know would forever alter my life. I am not going to go into great detail about this position because I touch on this job in more detail in other posts, but a quick synapses I started at the bottom destroying customers lives on a small scale into working my way up destroying peoples lives on a much larger one. Here I was living the dream; I made money and wielded power. I did this until it nearly destroyed me. I finally got strung out literally and figuratively on more levels than one and ended up quitting. This was one of the best decisions I had ever made. When I looked in the mirror I had become what I hated most in this world.

I took a few months off and within this time I did a lot of soul searching and in the process I got all tatted up. I did this as a symbolic statement in my final rebellion against the establishment that I not only hated but that almost destroyed my life. I ended up taking a job at a non-profit making peanuts compared to what I was making before, and I held zero authority. I continued to get tattoos, but felt there was still a small bridge that still existed between me and corporate culture. Acknowledging this I decided to do the only logical thing…I started to write. In putting myself out there like I do I have placed nukes on this bridge and blew this bitch down. In doing this I have all but sealed my own fate. I can guarantee you if I were to try and get another manager job, the human resource manger will Google my name and quickly shred my application. I write about a lot of very personal matters on this blog and in my books. There is no way a company would give me a job responsible for anything except a mop.

Scared To Write

I have found myself in hot water as of late over a post I did two weeks ago. This will now be the sixth or seventh time I have written something I have either had to take off or offer apologies for expressing myself. In looking back I suppose I understand, but at the same time I do not want any kind of censorship over this blog. I write from the hip and yes sometimes I do not think when I click the publish button. Is this a bad thing, or does it make for better reading knowing the author is pouring his soul out to the world without being fake.

My two most recent bad posts came from something I wrote about my work. I really vented on that post, and pissed people off. When my boss informed me I was in trouble I immediately took the post down. I have apologized, but I can tell she is still pissed. I can understand and I do respect her feelings, and I feel bad I have hurt them. My only hope is that I do not remain on her shit list for to long. I did learn a valuable lesson to never post anything about work. I have written eight posts about things going on at my work, and I went through and deleted all of them. I am a little bummed about this, but at the same time I want to keep my job.

My other issues come from concerns my wife has shared with me. She does not agree with me writing posts that highlight my mental illness. I respect and understand her points, but I disagree. My mental illness is very much a part of me and is who I am; I don't feel like I should hide it. One of the things I pride myself on with this blog is I am real. What you read is what you get. I hope my readers can tell I am being honest. Most of you are complete strangers who have chosen to read and in return I share my life with you, and a big part of my life is my struggle to deal with my mental illness. I do not want to try to hide it. My hope is a reader may stumble upon my blog one day and see there are others out there struggling with the same issues. I hope they may be able to relate with in either themselves as the sufferer of mental illness, or a loved one trying to understand the complex minds we have. Having a severe mental illness is a tough thing to deal with, and it is comforting to know someone is right there with you struggling with the same or similar issues. In our society mental illness is looked down upon, and those of us who suffer from these ailments need to basically hide who we are. This can become extremely exhausting.

The last thing I want is to have to think twice before I hit that publish button. I feel it takes away from who I am, and what I choose to show the world. I do not want this to become a blog where I need to do a lot of thinking for in order to produce a post. Everything I write comes directly from my mind and is honest and genuine. I want this blog to be fun for me to write. I enjoy capturing a thought or feeling and just ride the lightning. In my opinion this makes for enjoyable reading.

I will try to write posts about my struggles perhaps to just myself. I can always publish it as private, so only I can see them but really then what's the point if I do that? I ask you the reader to give me feedback. From my personal posts do you judge me as some sort of crack pot? Or do you just take it for what it is a personal place to express my inner most thoughts without the fear of judgment. From my previous post on asking what my identity is I gathered from the feedback that my identity is just being myself. This is what I want to show my readers the good and the bad that encompasses who I am and what I am feeling whether it be a mania, psychosis, or depression. This is just me. This is what I want to show my readers. I want to show the window into the true inner me mental illness and all. I have chosen to out myself to the world. I do not think there is any way to go back now. I will touch more on this in a post later this week.

My Gift

People standing over me

My words

my words you did not see

Looking back you wish you found

To late

To late I'm in the ground

I could no longer go on living this way

I am sorry

I am sorry I disregarded your words to stay

My Family

My family I hate to see you cry

It should be known that I really did try

Children

Children don't shed a tear

No more walking on egg shells

No more living in fear

I hope one day you see

This was my last good deed

At last

At last

You are all set free

By: Tim Lundmark

From "My Descent into Madness"

Thank You Christian Ninja

About a month ago I unexpectedly received an e-mail from a site called "God Thoughts Wired." I am a member of www.Biblestudytools.com, this is where I go whenever I sit back and read the Bible. It's a great resource because they have every version of the Bible, and have a nice tool where you can compare different versions side-by-side. The interesting thing about doing this is you can see the subtle changes made through time, which ends up tainting the original meaning, but I digress. When I signed up for this site I made sure I unchecked all those boxes to ensure I did not receive any un-wanted e-mails from them. Armed with this knowledge I was a bit confused why and how I started to receive these e-mails. I can never resist some good theological talk so I eagerly opened them and I have enjoyed what I have been reading since. I am not saying I enjoyed them as in I agreed with what this guy was saying; I enjoyed them because at times these e-mails would really get me going to the point where I am talking to myself in my office. I am sure passersby's wondered what was going on when I blurted out "are you kidding me!"

With every e-mail received I was taken on a roller coaster ride from being inspired to being frustrated with anger. I really wanted to find a way to communicate with the mastermind behind all of this because his points and messages at times are completely insane, but there are some other times where he seems so right. This though is not my concern for this post; my concern lies in how these e-mails came to be. My guess would be one of my Christian readers signed me up for this mailing list in the hopes I could be converted, or perhaps one day I will read one of his messages and a light will go off in my head and all of a sudden I am saved. I must admit now that in reading these e-mails I have had some light bulb moments causing me to think I am on the wrong path, and in some his points are so… well Christian.

I am not going to go into detail on these e-mails because frankly I am constructing some posts based off said e-mails. I just want to thank whom ever out there signed me up for these wonderful e-mails. I thoroughly enjoy reading them when they come. I haven't gotten a new one since the seventeenth so I am kind of disappointed. These e-mails are thought provoking, and yes I must admit at times are rousing. There have been a few I have gotten where I had to immediately go to my Bible or the Quran to follow up on some reading to ensure the message I was receiving was based on fact. I love the Bible and I love getting lost in scripture. I may not believe but I do feel a sense of something when I read the Word, but I also get this feeling from reading other religious doctrines.

I want to thank you Christian Ninja for turning my mind and thoughts onto this site. I hope to create some intriguing posts based off the information this pastor is spreading through the World Wide Web.

A Gleek No More!

About two years ago Fox debut a new show called "Glee." When I saw the promo spots for this show I thought to myself; "there is no f'ing way I am watching this show!" I was flipping through the channels one boring night when I came across Glee. I stopped for a moment to give it a try. I was immediately drawn in to the cheesy story line and the way the cast busted out into song ala "Grease." The first season they did a ton of retro songs that were relevant to my childhood and teen years. I enjoyed the various different spins they would put on some of my favorite songs. I enjoyed the "musical play" aspect of the show so much I went out and bought each album they produced. I kept my new found label as a "Gleek" a secret. I would hide in shame and snack on Goldfish while I sang along in my head.

The next season my whole family got involved in watching Glee. My wife at first was hesitant and thought the show was very bad, but she was soon just as hooked in as we were. The creators of the show did another fantastic job of putting together more cheesy storylines and the song choices were fantastic as well. In time laying down and watching Glee became a family tradition. I still figured I should watch who I tell about my secret joy of watching Glee to. Perhaps it is the masculine side of me saying it is very feminine to enjoy this show. I don't know what to say I am a sucker for show tunes. If I had the courage I would be on stage doing plays just willy nilly dancing around and singing my heart out.  

Entering into the third season of Glee I can honestly say I am no longer a fan. The show still has its cheesy storylines, but they just seem played out. The show still has the cast suddenly without notice breaking out into song and dance, but the song choice is just horrendous. This will be the first time I choose not to get the newest Glee album. When we all lay down to watch this show it has become a form of sadistic torture just to get through it. Five minutes feels like five hours! It is so bad, where every night when the kids want to watch it I have to do Jedi mind tricks on them so they become distracted and forget about it. I think in order for me to get through the remainder of this season I am going to have to have a few stiff drinks to numb my mind.

I am getting really tired with the poor lonely gay kid story. I understand they may be trying to bring to light the bullying that goes on to kids who are openly gay and I acknowledge it, but it has grown tired. I also do not think they should show two female cheerleaders making out. I also think those same damn cheerleaders should wear something to school other than their cheerleading outfits. Finally please for the love of God write the kid in the wheelchair off the show! Every time they do a number and his dumbass is just wheeling around it causes rage. I think where I really lost it was when the kid in the wheelchair was allowed to play football and scored a touchdown. How hard is it to push a crippled kid in a wheelchair over? Finally please explain to me how spontaneous song breakouts can be choreographed so well. There are so many things about this show that make me want to pull my hair out, yet I continue to watch.

This show can be saved by choosing better songs. I do not think doing an entire show on "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" is a good idea. They had a really good thing going in the first two seasons. They chose songs from the past and songs from today. What I liked about it was hearing a new spin on songs I like. Although the "Horror Picture Show" was an okay movie, I do not think you are going to find a large audience who has either seen it, or would subject themselves to listing to the Glee cast singing them. I will continue to watch this show, but not because I enjoy it I will be watching this because my kids enjoy it. I truly hope they get their shit together and realize they are ruining a great thing.

Winter Worries

I can remember as a child getting excited when it snowed. I would play outside building snow forts, constructing massive snowmen, and going sledding on any hill I could find. The kids in the neighborhood would have snow ball fights so the forts we built came in handy. I also remember playing pick-up games of football and it always made it more fun playing in the snow. The cold didn't bother me then like it does now, because I was being so active. I loved when it snowed so much they had to cancel school. Those were the good old days before I wised up to the shityness winter brings. I had no concept about the horrors of driving to and from work. I am in a consistent panic worrying about the next time I need to drive. It causes all my other MI symptoms to flair up and I easily enter into a psychosis. The drive in this morning was horrible and I am freaking out about having to drive home. To me driving in this weather is playing Russian roulette with a car. I worry each time I head out to drive that this moment may just be my last.

This consistent flow of anxiety and panic always comes in mid-November or after the first snow fall. I worry and I worry until I work myself up in a tisi. My mind is consistently bombarded with images of injury, or death. What fucks me up the most is the ice; this is the invisible killer. You cannot see it but you know it is there waiting for you to make a mistake and when you do BAM! Your dead thank you for playing. It rained this morning and has now turned to snow, this means that the water on the roads will turn into ice. I really just want to bring a cot to work and stay here until Friday. If I were to do this then I would only need to drive in this crap two times a week. I am not necessarily worried about me (although I am) I am more worried about the crazy drivers who think they are invincible. They drive with no cares in the world because they think their four wheel drive will save them from death. Agh I am just sitting here counting down the minutes until I have to drive again.

In the end winter is evil, and is Mother Nature's way of trying to eradicate us. I think she was really mad when we created fire and housing so we didn't freeze to death. I do not know why I still choose to live in Minnesota, considering how much I despise winter. I just want it to be over and in reality it is just starting. YUK