Tim Lundmark's Blog, page 22

Tao Te Ching: Verse 18

When the greatness of the Tao is present,

action arises from one's own heart.

When the greatness of the Tao is absent,

action comes from the rules

of "kindness and justice."

If you need rules to be kind and just,

if you act virtuous,

this is a sure sign that virtue is absent.

Thus we see the great hypocrisy.

When kinship falls into discord,

piety and rites of devotion arise.

When the country falls into chaos,

official loyalists will appear;

patriotism is born.

Lao-tzu

To sum up the 18th verse of the "Tao Te Ching", Lao-tzu is telling us we don't need rules to be kind and just. We do not need society to dictate to us how to live from our hearts. If we are following the greatness of the Tao then we would be kind and love without doing it because society's rules dictate us to. We would be kind and love because the Tao is part of us, so these behaviors come naturally.

I don't think Lao-tzu is saying rules are necessarily bad, he is just saying it is unfortunate we even need them. If we were all one with the Tao life would be a utopia where there would be no war, murder, greed, stealing, or any other negative behavior. People would live peacefully and in harmony with the seasons of the Tao. There would be no need for money, possessions, insane working hours, and stress. We would get up, work when needed, laugh, play, relax, and enjoy the present moment everyday of our lives. I suppose the same thing could be said about the Bible or any other religious texts. If people were to follow the lessons of their faiths then life would be more peaceful. This does not include those who misread religious texts and turn it into a destructive force.

The most powerful and moving part about this verse is Lao-tzu asking us to not act virtuous but to be virtuous. Many of us act virtuous because it is how society or our faiths require us to be, not because it is one of our core values. I think the world we live in today has lost the true Way. In this process of societal deterioration there are fewer and fewer people who are virtuous not because they have to be; they do this because kindness and love are part of their core values. This is a tough verse for me to meditate on because it calls to the forefront my core values. I sit and try to look into my soul and identify exactly what they are. There are times I don't like what I see, and there are times I try to fool myself. I do know since I have started studying the Tao Te Ching some of my core values have changed to more selfless ones.  

I think the society we live in today is a society of greed, self interest, and entitlement. We follow rules because of what is legal and illegal. We do not steal because it is illegal, but when society breaks down the human race shows its true values. When Katrina hit in New Orleans, society broke down and erupted into chaos. The people began looting and killing. They knew there was no one to stop them so they acted according to their values. Then there were the people who were in tune with the greatness of the Tao. They made every effort to do everything in their power to help their fellow man. I do not think New Orleans is an isolated incident or case study. I believe if society broke down nation wide, and our laws could no longer be enforced; you would see how your neighbor truly is. There would be those who put their ego above all else and there would be those who put the Tao above all else. Although this would be an interesting social experiment, I would not want to be around if this were to happen.

I am a bit lost in what Lao-tzu is saying in the last five lines of this verse. Is he saying when man fails to be kind to his fellow man then piety and rites of religion are created? Is he talking about other religions of his time being created to keep the people in line? When he talks about countries falling into chaos is he also speaking of what was happening in his time, like Revaluations in the Bible? Is he saying when the kindness and love of man breaks down first comes the need to control "religion" then comes government based on religious values? I am a bit lost here.

You Know I Am A Jealous God; Right?

After Moses freed the people of Israel from Egypt; they sailed off into the sunset, embarking on a journey through the desert. They walked and walked and walked until they arrived at Mount Sinai. Moses took a trip up said mountain and was gone for forty days and forty nights. Upon his return he came down the mountain with the Ten Commandments carved into stone by Gods own finger. These Ten Commandments would become the list of religious and moral imperatives for those of the Jewish and Christian beliefs. The list is quaint yet eloquent. I have met people who believe the only laws God gave us were the Ten Commandments. This is not the case; God also gave us the "Book of the Covenant" which contains many more specific laws God gave us. I think the Ten Commandments became more popular among man because they were easier to remember and follow. The word "commandments" is mentioned numerous times in the Bible, and I do not feel they are just referring to the ten most popular ones. My father is the only person I have ever met who follows all of Gods laws; but I digress. My concern in relation to this post is how we consistently break the first Commandment. I am not talking about just those who believe differently, I am talking about those who follow the Christian and Catholic faiths.

The Ten Commandments are mentioned in Exodus 20:2-7 and in Deuteronomy 5:6-21. The first Commandment in Exodus 20:3-5 reads as follows:

3. "Do not have any gods before me. 4. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. 5. You shall not bow down or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God."

First I would like to point out the verbiage in this passage. It says no other 'gods" before me. I take this as there being the possibility of other Gods out there. Which would make sense since the Tao gave birth to God, which means she could have given birth to multiple Gods. I was a bit offended by the lower case "g".

To me this Commandment is pretty cut and dry. We should only worship and pray to one God. We should not construct any idols to worship. This is how God wanted us to be; but do we actually follow this? The answer to that question is a huge NO. Catholic churches pray and bow down to the Mother Mary, and many different Saints; where those of the Christian and Catholic faiths worship and pray to Jesus Christ. In every church I have ever been to (I didn't start on fire after walking through the door) there was always a huge cross with Jesus perched upon it somewhere in the building. I don't know about you, but to me this is worshiping a false idol. Not that Jesus was false, but that we have created and turned him into an idol we pray and worship to.

Matthew 15:9 "But in vein they do worship me, (Jesus) teaching for doctrines the commandments of men."

I think what Jesus is saying is we would eventually get to a point where Christianity becomes more about Jesus than it does about God himself. There is a story somewhere in the Bible; I think in Exodus about two men who constructed this golden calf so they could use it as an alter to make sacrifices to God. Moses became angry and told them to step off of the golden calf because that constitutes worshiping false idols. I ask you this; what is the difference between this golden calf and all those Jesus, Saints, crosses, and Mother Mary's statues in our churches? To me this sounds like worshiping false idols.

I tend to get confused a bit when reading the New Testament. I get the feeling that Jesus puts himself on an equal playing field as God, and insinuates he is one and the same. One of the many examples is in John 14:15 "If ye love me, keep my commandments."  This was taken from a conversation with a man where Jesus clearly says the commandments are his commandments. There are other examples throughout the New Testament that brings up this strange concept. I understand Jesus is the son of God, but is by no means a God himself. An opposite example is in Mark 12:29 "and Jesus answered him the first of all commandments is hear, O Israel the Lord our God is one Lord."  Jesus is telling this man that there is only one Lord, yet throughout the Bible Jesus is referred to as the Lord. I think this confusing duality is put to bed nicely in Revelation 14:12 "Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the Commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus." When it comes to this conundrum I have been speaking about this chapter and verse point out that God is supreme and his commandments should be followed, and we must also have the faith of Jesus in our hearts. Correct me if I am wrong but I believe before Jesus was Jesus he was the Word. If this is true and not a part of my imagination than these types of duality comments would make more sense.

For those of you out there who are of the Christian belief I ask you to sit down and meditate about this post. Ask yourself if we have gotten to the point where we have created false idols. If the answer is yes than you must reassess your beliefs a bit. If the answer is no; then at least you got fifteen minutes of quite time.

Nozick's Experience Machine Theory

I wrote a post a while back talking about utilitarianism. I was taken back to the fond memories of being in school, where I majored in Philosophy. This stimulated my mind and caused me to dust off some of my old textbooks and skim over a few select readings. I came across a book Robert Nozick wrote back in 1974 "Anarchy, State and Utopia." In small part of this book (most material argues the only good government is a minimal government) he attempts to give a counterexample to John Stuart Mills utilitarianism. He paints us a broad picture of a machine we could hook up to giving us a lifetime of the greatest pleasures knowable to man. His theory was people would reject this machine; instead choosing to live a life of happiness along with sadness just to know they were alive and their experiences good and bad were real. He tells us this rejection of the machine shows people value something other than happiness and pleasure. In his example the people who chose to plug into this machine are slobs and are committing a form of suicide. He believes the loss of truly living at the expense of endless happiness is one few would choose.

Nozick seems to proclaim this to be universal to all mankind. He does not go into detail on what some may choose and others may not. He proclaims the masses would choose life over the machine, because of this the moral theory of utilitarianism is debunked. This is simply not true; there are many people who according to their own personal moral decision making would choose the machine, while others would choose reality. He proclaims the many would choose to live the real life and the few who choose the machine are degraded to blobs who have committed a form of suicide. In essence the individual would exist yet cease to exist in the material world; instead choosing to live in a fantasy world. They would still be alive on one hand but dead in the other. There lives would be a farce with no real human interaction. I ask you this; how this is any different then the millions of people who play World of War Craft, or the many other reality shifting MMORPG's out there? I can guarantee you with the amount of people who choose to slip out of reality and focus their lives on a video game; would without a thought choose the machine so they could actually become a dwarf or elf and live out their life this way.

I wonder if his theory is correct. I don't doubt people would choose to not be hooked up to this machine, but just as many would choose the machine over the ups and downs of reality. I do not think we can use this example as proof against utilitarianism based on whether people would hook up or not, because the end decision can be made through utilitarianism. I think Nozick theory is flawed because utilitarianism states actions are right when they promote happiness and wrong when they promote the opposite of happiness. Choosing to go or not to go inside of this machine could very well be made in a utilitarian fashion. Let's say there is a man who is a husband and father. In making his decision to go or not to go into the machine; he would need to take into account his families feelings and weigh in on if his happiness will create the opposite of happiness to his wife and kids. In this example Nozick was trying to debunk utilitarianism but indeed proved this decision can be made by practicing utilitarianism or for that matter any other moral theory.

I do however think Nozick should get props for coming up with an idea that would be used in a movie 36 years later.

American Exceptionalism: How Pompous We Are

American exceptionalism is an American theory that the United States occupies a special role among the nations of the world in terms of its national ethos, political and religious institutions, and it's being built by immigrants. Even though its origins date back to the 1600's the concept still lives on today. This mode of thinking is what has damaged our reputation throughout the world. The concept that we are better than all other nations because as Alexis de Tocqueville, argued; the United States held a special place among nations because it was the first working representative democracy. We may have been the first but we were not the last. I am sure there are some out there who could have a valid argument how a later form of democracy trumps ours. Belief in American exceptionalism is more characteristic of conservatives than liberals. Which being liberal to me makes the idea seem even worse.

Parts of American exceptionalism can be traced to American puritan roots who believed in divine providence. They believed God had made a covenant with their people and had chosen them to lead the other nations of the world. The scary thing is; there are those republicans out there who still believe such a thing.  If we take a look at the Latin phrase on the back of the great seal and our one dollar bill it reads "novus ordo seclorum" which translates as "New Order of the Ages." I think our republican leaders at that time and still to today would want nothing more than to spread their form of "order" to the entire world, and become the nation God has chosen to lead the world.  

Proponents of American exceptionalism argue that the United States is exceptional in that it was founded on a set of republican ideals, rather than on a common heritage, ethnicity, or ruling elite. In the formulation of President Abraham Lincoln in his Gettysburg Address, America is a nation "conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal". In this view, America is inextricably connected with liberty and equality. We may be connected with liberty (although this may be up for debate) and equality (also up for debate.) The notion of republican ideals against the ruling elite? Isn't that a bit oxymoronic?

The United States' policies have been characterized since their inception by a system of federalism and checks and balances, which were designed to prevent any person, faction, region, or government organ from becoming too powerful. Some Proponents of the theory of American exceptionalism argue that this system and the accompanying distrust of concentrated power prevent the United States from suffering a "tyranny of the majority." What I find interesting is we are protected from the "tyranny" of the majority, but we do nothing to protect us from the "tyranny" of the minority.

All countries probably believe they are exceptional in their own right. Britain at the height of the British Empire, Nazi Germany, as well as the communist state Russia, and France in the wake of the French revolution all demonstrated exceptionalism in terms of systematically engaging in what they considered benevolent enterprises. I believe although broken America is one of the greatest nations in the world. Do I believe we should feel superior over all other nations because we are what we are? No. We are not the judges and jury's to the world. The belief and ideals we have are fantastic, but are these ideals better than say Norway's? We could look at Norway or Iceland and say they are exceptional over us because of their low crime rates and penchant for staying away from wars. Does this make them better than us? In my eyes it does, but I cannot speak for a nation of people, nor should anybody else. It is fantastic to have pride in your country, but this pride should not stir up supremacism. I have always believed America should keep to herself. Trying to find nations we believe should be a democracy then enforce said beliefs by military force is wrong anyway you look at it. This concept that America is exceptional above all other nations is the exact way of thinking that caused other nations to hate us.

My Battle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

I have been diagnosed with almost every single mental illness you can think of. Currently I am unaware of what my exact diagnosis is. I have referred that I have a mental illness, but not exactly what I have. I will explain in this post. For many years I had the label of schizoaffective disorder. My med doctor and therapist at that time agreed on this diagnosis. My current therapist thought otherwise when she started seeing me. We have only talked once about possible diagnosis, and her thoughts were bi-polar 1, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder), and severe anxiety. Like I said earlier she has yet to give me her definitive diagnosis. I think her diagnosis fits with how I feel, but I may add ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder.) I have an appointment with her this week; I think I will ask her again. I would really like to finally have an answer to what I suffer from. I think mentally if I know what I suffer from it would help me cope. Today I am going to focus on my OCD, and perhaps this entire week choose a different aspect of my illness. This does make me feel a bit vulnerable, but it is not like my readers think I am normal anyway.

My OCD is not the type where I need to do everything in threes of such; mine is a tad different. It is complicated, but I will do my best to explain. I am a man of routines. They define my life in everything I do. If I need to deviate from these routines I am spun into intense anxiety and panic which triggers me to become agitated, angry, and triggers psychosis. This cycle of madness never changes. If there is a part of my life that is void of routine I become scattered brained and lost. An example of this lost feeling is doing laundry. I have a routine where I sit in the man room and watch football Saturday and Sunday. As long as I am down stairs watching football I can breeze through the laundry. I check the laundry every eighth commercial. If I am not doing this I cannot remember to do laundry.

When I go to places I visit often I need to park in the same spot. If I am unable to park in this spot I will either leave or get spun into that panic and agitation. I have battled this a bit where I have been able to broadened my routine to include a few different parking spots within a small region from my original spot. This has helped me a bit. I do have issues with things being dirty. I get into a funk when things are not perfectly clean; being that I have three children this is impossible to achieve. I have battled this by tuning my senses off to what the house looks like. If I notice any filth I again get panic and agitation. I try to stay away from cleaning that one spot up, because then I need to clean the entire house. I can never get it perfect enough, and this throws me into a psychosis.

I need to have a coffee before and after work I put a chew in at exactly 8am and another one at 2pm when I am at work. I then need to smoke at the exact same time everyday. When I am driving I need to smoke at the exact same location. I have to take my meds at the exact same time everyday. There was just recently an episode when I was not able to do this and it totally fucked with me. I had a therapy appointment and it happened to overlap with a time when I take one of my night meds. I forgot my medication at home, and I was a complete mess the entire therapy appointment. I was freaking out. When I got home I went to take it and my wife tried to talk me down from this obsession. I immediately became agitated and angered. This caused an argument, and I eventually agreed to do differently. I was not able to sleep at all that night, and it triggered the depression I had last week. This was part because my routine was interrupted and part of lack of sleep. I do not blame my wife for this, because she was just trying to help me.

The final aspect may either be a result of my OCD or is a part of my bi-polar 1 disorder. I get these ideas in my head of things I either need to buy, or things I need to do. Once I get these ideas in my head they just continue to replay over and over again until I am actually doing them or I have bought the item. The longer I go without satisfying this need to more psychotic I become. These thoughts completely consume me. Like I said this could be a component of my hyper-mania. I suppose I could ask my therapist this. This is just a few examples; There are many more routines or obsessions and compulsions I have. If I were to address every single one this post would become a novel.

All I know is whatever this is it consumes me in everyway possible. When I am deviated from my routines it destroys my mental state. I would prefer if everything in my life was a routine. I think I would function so much better. There are many aspects of my life that does not revolve around a routine, and this tends to cause issues because I am just off in la la land doing whatever first comes to my mind. This thought or need then ends up consuming me until it has been done, so I suppose even my non-routine essentially transforms into an obsession. I am also not sure if these things I get in my head that must get done is a result of my bi-polar 1 or a component of the compulsion aspect of my OCD. I do know that none of the current medications I am taking help me with this, at least none that I am aware of. I am sure if a component of my medication treatment was removed these symptoms may increase and become worse. The best coping method I have found is meditation along with counting beads in twenty-six intervals using my meditation/prayer necklace. If any of my readers suffer from OCD and have found methods to cope and battle this I would love to hear about them.

Mental Vacation

I needed to take off of work today. I have gotten to the point where I am collapsing from within. I need a weekend of meds and sleep. I hope by Monday I will be out of this slump. I hate being depressed it is truly the worst feeling. I am just so fucked. I am sad because I was going on such a long streak of happiness. Something just happened and I snapped. Yuk! I do not know what I would do without this blog. It is my mental release. I had also been on a streak of writing non-personal pieces. I do not know what is better exploring the things on my mind like philosophy, or am I better suited to just let loose with my mental malfunctions? Which one is more interesting? This blog has always been verbal vomit. I have so many things going on in my head, and this is the only way I can get it out. I feel embarrassed about my post yesterday. I thought about deleting it, but then I would be cheating myself.

I hope to find peace this weekend. I am afraid it won't come. I am scared I am going to hit the next down level. This place is so dark and scary. It is filled with despair so painful it makes me sick. I have been walking down the stairs of sanity for the last week. I am afraid I am going to hit the basement. It is cold and lonely down their. This is where I was last year when I started writing my final words to my family. I am nowhere near wishing for the reapers touch, but it only takes one thing to push me down the stairs. I hope to watch shows this weekend and find some serenity.

The Man Who Cried in His Office: Part 2

I appreciate the kind words from those of you who commented on my post the other day. I was going to respond to each one individually, but decided to lump them together into a small post. Although I appreciated these words, I must say I am not worthy of such encouragement. My son's picture still sits on my desk, and I can see him judging me every moment of the day. I see his perfect smile and sense it is somehow fake. The same fake smile I had to put on my face in the name of school pictures. Just to show the world you are happy when in reality you are broken inside. What he is feeling behind that smile is tearing me apart. I am sick to my stomach and want to throw this picture off my desk, and hide behind my wall of lies and justifications. I cannot bring myself to do this. I feel this symbolically degrades him as a human being.

I received some advice from Rambling to sit my kids down and ask them their assessment of me as a father. I am far too much of a coward to ever do this. I am afraid to honestly hear what they think, because the answers I will hear will further cause me to look in the mirror of my true self. The one thing I hate more than anything is my reflection in the mirror. To see who is peering back at me is to much to handle. Everything and everyone I hate is in those eyes.

My kids are the perfect reflection of what I will never become. What kind of person am I who taints that reflection with my imperfections? I wish I could just flip a switch and shed this skin of mine and walk out a new person. What is my purpose in life if all I do is fail those who depend on me the most? I tried speaking to my therapist last night about this haunting picture, and it only made the pain that much more real. I am being tormented by this reality. The one thing I promised to myself was if I ever had children I would not fail them. I vowed to not make the mistakes my father and step-father made. I hated them so very much I could not imagine doing my kids like that. Flash forward to the here and now, and they are my reflection. This reflection I despise so.

My wife always tells me I am a good dad or a good husband when I want to be. If this is true, then why am I not this good father and husband the majority of the time? I would say I am a good father and husband 5% of the time. Does this mean I am willfully choosing to be a fucking prick 95% of the time? If I have this choice then why do I choose to let everyone down? If this was so simple then why am I not what I wish to be? I wrote a poem called "Broken Dolls" in this poem I said "broken dolls from broken homes, build broken homes of their own." Am I building the very same broken home I hated my parents for creating?

I am a shitty person. I am an addict, I am a cheater. I never have, nor will I ever be a good person. Everything I touch, everything I love turns to shit. The last thing I can deal with is knowing I am decaying my children's innocence with my shit stained hands. I think the thing that is most fucked up is I have the power to change this, yet I choose not to. This I think illustrates who I truly am inside.

God's Little White Lie

God's Little White Lie

Fall begins and everything dies

No more time to live a lie

If you think you can save me

With one last note or plea

You'd be wrong

I lack the crucial will to be strong

 

A teardrop may come from your eyes

But then you would be living a lie

As you exit the doors

You realized you just worshiped a whore

The last leaf falls from the tree

Desperately seeking the love of the three

 

Where I am no one can go

The Grim Reaper begins to row

I sought the chance to be free

Never again shall I touch the three

To escape from the pain

I gracefully opened my vein

 

Left to right

Within my sight would soon be light

Nothing came as I lay

It was at this point I began to pray

My body goes limp

There was no savior to lead me on this trip

Darkness is all this brought

No more pain and agony in my thoughts

 

Nothingness is what awaits me

No angles to set me free

Blood dripping from freshly cut veins

O'Lord release me from my pains

I reach up towards the heavens in the sky

At this point I realized it's all a lie

By: Tim Lundmark

The Man Who Cried In His Office

I started writing and never finished a post last week about how thankful I was for not being consumed by a deep depression for some time. I feel like it has been a lifetime since I ventured into the darkest regions of my shen. I should have knocked on wood, because since yesterday I have steadily crept into a downward spiral of darkness. I am trying my hardest to lighten the blow, and recover before it gets to bad. During this depression free time I have by no means been stable. My moods have been all over the place for a few months, but I have been void of any out of control manias or crippling depressions. The times I had hit a small mania or minor depression I was able to quickly rebound from it. I was considering myself lucky, until today. I do not know exactly what is wrong with me, but all I want to do is crawl into bed and cry.

I have been sitting here in my office trying my hardest to fight back the tears. I think this episode started when I was looking at a new picture of my youngest son on my desk. They did this new style at his school this year which I am really digging. I must say this is the best school picture I have ever gotten. I just got lost looking at his picture, when all of a sudden tears started welling up in my eyes. I was a bit overwhelmed by this since I am not one to cry. If I were to guess; I would say I only cry two to three times a year. I at first thought these were tears of joy, but then I was slapped with this gut wrenching sense of guilt. I started to look into myself to figure out why I am feeling so much remorse. I started to do some deep searching and came to the conclusion my guilt lies in my failures as a father.

I am by no means the worst father, but I can guarantee you I will never win father of the year. I have made many mistakes as a father, many of which I would sell my soul to take back. It is not like any of my mistakes have been ones of violence. I have been angry as hell at my kids, but would never harm them. The things I wish I could take back are the many small things that equal up to the big things. As I sit here reflecting, the only conclusion I come to is I have not been a good enough father. If anyone out there is a parent you can understand the tormenting feeling this reflection will cause. There is one thing in life you should not fail at, and that is being a good parent. I wonder if my kids were asked "do you have a good dad" would they answer yes without hesitation or would they need to think about it? I believe they would need to give that one a second thought.

I am trying to take inventory and convince myself I am a good father, this is becoming increasingly difficult. There may be a thing here or a thing there I do well as a parent, but I seem to fail everywhere in-between. I feel like I am not there enough for my children. It is so hard for me to just be in the moment and enjoy what I have. I am always lost somewhere inside my mind. I am either focusing on my writing, sucked into a down causing me to be emotionally unavailable, or I am consumed with distracting mania (my children's favorite mood.) I feel like I do not give them the attention they deserve. I have cut the amount of time I spend writing by 75%, but still feel like I am a stranger to them. I feel like I have been in this cycle forever where I am only partially available. My mind is so scatter brained all the time it is hard for me to focus on things. I tend to get distracted off into so many different directions. I never feel like I am just right where my kids need me to be.

I am feeling such intense guilt over all the times I have yelled at them. There are so many better ways to speak to your children, and I take the cowards copout by reacting with the only emotion I feel comfortable expressing. Inside I am by no means an angry person. I am normally very Zen, but the minute I feel any negative emotion it comes out in anger. I cannot cope with these deep scars I have, and instead of feeling through it I lash out. I think this is a defense mechanism I developed long ago. I hate myself for not having the commonsense to just walk away and collect my thoughts. I know what it feels like to grow up with a yeller, and let me tell you it is horrible. The thought of me speaking to my children the way my step-father spoke to me makes me want to vomit. I try to make myself feel better by saying "all parents yell at their kids from time-to-time," but this is not working. I feel like I have become the one man I despise more than anything, the man who traumatized me as a child. If I am doing the same things to my kids that he did to me, then reason would conclude I am him. I cannot deal with this reason. I cannot cope with this reality.

I just want my kids to be healthy and happy, and I worry they can't be healthy with me around. I have failed them in every single way I possibly can. I am having a really hard time with this. I can almost feel the pain I have caused them, and it is ripping my insides apart. If they even remotely feel the way I think they feel then what the fuck am I? What have I become? I should have learned from the mistakes of my parents, and not followed in their footsteps, but somehow here I am. I try so hard to change these things, and I may be straight for a few days, or a few weeks, but then slip back into my old self. I hate my old self. I find it very hard to think of anything positive to say about my true self. I find it inconceivable my children love my true self. This actuality makes me cry in my office.

Tao Te Ching: Verse 17

With the greatest leader above them,

people barely know one exists.

Next comes one whom they love and praise.

Next comes one whom they fear.

Next comes one whom they despise and defy.

When a leader trusts no one,

no one trusts him.

The great leader speaks little.

He never speaks carelessly.

He works without self-interest

and leaves no trace.

When all is finished, the people say

"We did it ourselves."

Lao-tzu

The 17th verse of the Tao Te Ching is focused on the different ways you can lead or govern people. I would like to take out leader and supplant it with parent while I highlight what I see as the meaning of this verse. We can all take away some valuable parenting lessons from studying this verse. The first step is relinquishing control for a moment and become an astute observer of how your kids are behaving, or how they go about making their daily decisions in life. Now ask yourself without interfering can I create an environment that will help my children act responsibly.

Lao-tzu advises making yourself as invisible as possible if you want to become a good parent or leader. Try allowing your children to act without feeling they need to impress you. If your child is confronted with a problem or a decision instead of giving them what you want them to do instead offer a slight suggestion or tell a brief story about what others have done to resolve a similar issue. Leave it as that; then leave it up to your children to utilize that suggestion or not. Leave them with the feeling that you trust them to come up with the right decision. Whatever decisions your child comes up with whether it is your slight suggestion, your parable of a similar situation, combination of the two, or something completely different. This will leave your child with the feeling "I fixed this on my own." Over time this will lead to healthy decision making their entire lives.

The one part the Tao warns us against is the urge to rule with fear. If I as a parent use fear to govern my children then my children will only behave in a proper manner as long as the fear (myself) is present. This does nothing to account for how they will behave when I am not around. There was a study done on just this example. They studied two separate classrooms. The first was done on a teacher who was a strict disciplinarian; the other was done on a teacher who teaches with praise and freedom. When the teacher who was a disciplinarian left the classroom the students became chaotic. When the teacher who praised their students left; the kids behaved as if she was still in the room.

The most profound part for me of this verse is when Lao-tzu is speaking about great leaders/parents. He advises us to speak little, and never speak carelessly. I think as parents when we are frustrated with our children we can speak without thinking. Speaking carelessly can have a lasting negative affect on our children, whether we can see it or not. We should raise our children with love and without self-interest. As parents we should be in the background trusting and cultivating our children to make good decisions; not from our rules, but from the true inner goodness of our children.

Truly inspiring leaders and parents get results by their own examples. They encourage their children to do the right thing not by bragging about their perfections or their own personal view on how they should be. They create space for others to be inspired and to achieve their own greatness. The Taosist leader always leaves people to choose and pursue their own way of life, their own conception of good. Dr. Wayne W. Dyer said it best:

"I've always believed that parents are not for leaning upon, but rather exist to make leaning unnecessary."