Tim Lundmark's Blog, page 18

Good Riddance 2010

In a few more hours 2010 will be coming to an end. I cannot decide whether this is a good or bad thing. I always fear the beginning of a new year because I hate the mystery and uncertainty. I am happy I went another year without hearing the words "terminal cancer," for this I am extremely grateful. I would say for sure this was an up and down year. On the positive side I can say I am now into my second year of my fifteen year plan, but unfortunately this is also a negative. I started with so many good ideas, which I wished could have been put in print, unfortunately I have scraped many of my book ideas, because I feel they were a waste of time. My pursuit of my dream has caused many issues at home which I am not going to get into on this post. It is amazing to me how the pursuit of my dream has yielded such negativity. Living by my ego driven desires has caused many issues. I cannot seem to shed this destructive force. I hope this New Year brings me a step closer to realizing my dream, and I hope this brings positive things instead of negative.

I had a goal to get my poetry out to the public, and had a goal to do two readings by the end of this month, but I keep pushing it back. At first I said I need a few copies of my books, and then I would put myself out there, then it was I will do a reading once I get my business cards. I received my business cards and then said I will do one after I come up with a set list. Sadly to date I have not worked on my set list, in the fear of putting myself out there. I am scared to stand in front of a crowed and read my poetry in fear I will be rejected. Since my poetry is so personal I fear if I my poetry is rejected then that in turn means I am being rejected as a person. I really hope I am able to overcome this fear in 2011 because I want my voice to be heard.

January will mark the beginning of the second year of this blog. I am proud of myself for keeping it going this long. I am amazed I still have new things to write about on a daily basis. I am not so happy with my limited readers though. I was expecting larger growth then what I currently have. Rambling has told me if I am writing for stats or to the readers then I am not really a writer. His words of advice along with the feedback from my wife and some of my dedicated readers meant a lot to me this year. I am pleased in that category, if anything I can say I made a few new friends. I have enjoyed pouring my heart and soul into this thing. It has been a great outlet which I feel has kept me sane. There were many times I was at the point of really losing it and on the path to a certain trip into the loony bin, but my writing has saved me time and time again. For this I am grateful.    

I really think 2011 will be my make or break year. If I do not see some significant progress in my quest for my dream I may need to shorten up my plan to a two or three year goal. I hope this is the year I find an agent and get my kids books off the ground. I hope this year I will develop a local readership to get my poetry heard. I hope this year I can prove I am a good husband and father. I hope this year my spirituality will grow, and I will be closer to understanding and live in harmony with the Tao. I hope this year brings joy and beauty to my readers. I hope this year will bring The Bucket List Foundation closer to becoming a non-profit so we can help those who are in need. I hope this year I learn to live in the moment instead of fearing the future. Finally I hope this year I do not hear the words "terminal cancer."

I'm Cool, Right?

In my lifetime I have had many embarrassing moments, many of these moments are funny to me now, but were devastating to me at the time. I would like to share a few of these embarrassing moments to hopefully bring a smile to your face, at my expense of course! As a child and teenager I tried so hard to fit in and be popular. In this quest I have done some silly stuff in the name of popularity. Many of these moments took place when I was younger.

In the 90's Guess jeans were really popular. My older sister, Traci, had a pair of these "cool" jeans, however I did not. When it came to name brand clothes we often went without. I went to school in Bloomington were popularity was based off what you had, or in my case what you did not have.  The night before school I was getting my clothes ready for the next day and I saw Traci's "cool" jeans sitting on her floor. I secretly took them and put them in my room for the next day. I woke up the next morning and pulled on these "cool" guess jeans. Ya they were tight, but that was how Traci wore them so that was cool, right?!?!? I specifically tucked in my t-shirt so that you could see the Guess triangle on my butt!! I swaggered my ass to school thinking I was the shit. Not too long into my school day some random kid came up to me and said, why are you wearing girl jeans….boys have green triangles and girls had red. I was mortified. How the hell was I supposed to know that there was gender color Guess jeans. I un-tucked my t-shirt to hide the shame of a red triangle on my ass!!! Stupid name brand clothes.

I wanted to do my hair for school, it was a bit longer and it was always just boring. I saw other boys my age with gelled hair. My mom said she would help me style my hair in the morning for school. We woke up, got out the gel and hairspray, and went to town. She gelled the sides back, sculpted the top, it stood  up and then leaned to the side, then she sprayed the shit out of my hair with that aerosol cement hairspray. I trusted my mommy when she said I looked so good. Off to school I went with my fresh new hairstyle. Apparently the other kids did not agree with my mommy and they thought I looked like I had Elvis Presley hair. I bowed my head in shame and tried to make it thru the day ignoring the laughter. Thanks mom J

Boys will be boys, especially pre-pubescent boys who watch late night TV infomercials for FREE phone calls to beautiful women who will talk to them…… it said it was FREE!! So, when I could, I would sneak into my sister's room cuddle up on her water bed, and call my new friends who had very nice and interesting messages for me.  IT WAS FREE the commercials said…. Until the day my mom opened the phone bill and there was a $3000.00 bill for overseas phone calls. The worst part is being a 12 year old boy having to tell your mom that you called phone sex lines…. Sorry mom!!

Vanilla Ice was very popular at this time; because of him it was radical to shave signs or letters into your head. So Traci being the 16 year old cool sister said she could shave my initials in the back of my head for me. I thought she was so awesome and could do anything, including shaving letters in the back of heads, silly me. So she proceeded to take the shaver out and shave "TL" in my head. I was pumped, now the popular kids who danced to Vanilla Ice would accept me. I got up looked in the mirror and she had shaved what looked like a house in my head!!! I told Traci it did not look like TL, she assured me from the back it was just fine, she told me it was cool. I foolishly believed her and proceeded to go to school like this. Note, never believe your older sister when she says she can make you look cool!!! Ya, you guessed it I was ridiculed in school, no Vanilla Ice kids danced with me that day.

Remember when Reebok pumps were really popular. All the popular boys had them, and I am pretty sure that is how they got all the popular girls. I begged my mom to get me some of these awesome pumps. She finally conceded and went to buy me some Pumps. Low and behold she found a deal, shoes that had a pump on them, but were not the actual Reebok pumps. Who would know the difference right! When she got home I was a bit disappointed but I agreed with my all knowing mom, who would know the difference. Once again I saunter to school thinking I am now the "shit". Guess what, people knew the difference. Boys came up to me, squeezed my fake pump and said "Hey Tim are they pumping your feet up, are they , are they pumping up?" then they laughed…don't worry I am working this out in therapy!!

I hit a point in my preteen years that I thought I was "gangster" , ya hard to believe, right!!  So I wore the baggy sagging jeans, the big sweatshirts, and the Starter brand jackets. And yes, I walked with a gangsta' limp!! But the best part was my white slip on ked tennis shoes that I proceeded to draw gang signs on. This was the year my wife and I met and became friends.  She would come over to my place, point, laugh, and ridicule me for the gangster signs on my shoes. I really thought it was cool, but I also thought baggy pants and Starter jackets were cool, so my cool-dar was not spot on!!

These are but some of my embarrassing moments as a child, believe me there are many more. In my quest to be cool in the end I always seemed to look like a fool.

Worked To Death By Others Greed

"The only reason I'm coming out here tomorrow is the schedule says I have to."

Sparky Anderson

You could say this statement can be true for most people in America today. I would imagine the percentage is pretty high where people go to work not because they love their job, but because we have no other choice. We are so self-dependent on the all mighty dollar we are often times chained to our jobs. We do not go there because we enjoy ourselves we go there because we have no choice. Think about that for a second….Well? I personally think this is a fucked up situation. I know there is no way to live in a world without money, so there is nothing anyone can do about this situation. We need to live in and accept the society we have created until it can no longer sustain itself and crumbles. I believe America is the only country which places such high demand on its workers. We carry heavy burdens to live, provide, and survive.  If I could have it my way I would move my family to Tibet and live like monks; free of any stress or cares, but this is an unlikely scenario.

I am sure my readers are aware I often times sit and think about life and this society we live in. I am also sure my readers know I despise the system we live in.  We spend more of our lives working than we do with our friends and family. Our work defines and shapes our lives more than I think people realize; our job ultimately defines who we are and what we do. We are slaves to our paychecks; the very same paychecks we get immediately goes back to the corporations which pay our shitty wages. I know this is the life blood of what makes capitalism flow, but something still seems unfair about this societal relationship. The situation is we work our asses off to pay our bills and provide for our families. This gets harder and harder as time passes. Our wages seem to stay the same or in cases decrease, but the products we need to survive continue to increase. This is yet another way corporations can use to keep their foot on our throats. We now need our wages even more, and in many cases need to get a second or third job just to keep our heads above water. I find it sad that the people on the bottom work themselves to death so those on top can fly in private jets. I look at this country and where we are and compare it to communist Russia. On paper communism seems like a reasonable form of government, but failed terribly because mans greed had to fuck it up. In this communist state it was all about the haves and the have not's. There was the wealthy and powerful then the poor and the powerless. This country is slowly going down this road. Soon the middle class will be pushed out by lower pay and higher overhead all in the name of a few more dollars.

The tricky part in this scenario is there are many people out there who worked their asses off to get where they are, and in my opinion deserves higher pay. I do not think everyone should be paid the same wages, because then what would motivate those to spend an extra eight years in school to become a doctor. This is where my opinions are sort of contradictory. I think our system would be great if the people slaving away to make the company they work for prosper got better compensation. I am not just saying in dollar wise although I think that is a good start. I think we need more compensation via free time. Working 40-60 hours a week is utterly insane and frankly just wrong. How many people take the time to analyze this situation? We are only awarded one life; one chance to live, and we are forced to spend this life slaving away at our careers. The employee has no choice but to fall in line or risk losing their  job. I don't know how many people are aware of how precious time is. Each minute or hour that passes is minutes or hours we can never have back. They are lost, and I believe they are lost in the wrong areas. We need more time for our families. We need more time for ourselves. It is a sad waste of a life to be dependent on a system set out to screw you around every turn. This is one example of how we are corporate slaves.

My solution is easy and fair to the people. Companies should only hire part-time employees but pay them just and fair full-time wages. This would give everyone the time to not only work and contribute to society, but we would then be afforded the time to enjoy our lives. Hiring only part-time employees would most certainly cure our unemployment problem. Now some may say "this is crazy companies would lose millions!" But is this true? I am but a simple man with limited knowledge, but I would think with more people working then that would create more consumers and in turn create profits for the companies which may offset the higher wages given to employees. I am an idealist not a realist, so I am pretty sure there is no way to actually make this work; with that being said I also do not believe this ideal life is impossible to achieve. The same problem in communist Russia exists today in American capitalism, and that is our thirst for wealth and power.  This thirst blinds us of our main responsibility which is the betterment of our fellow man. This has and always will corrupt us.  

George Lee "Sparky" Anderson (February 22, 1934 – November 4, 2010) was a Major League Baseball manager. He managed the National League's Cincinnati Reds to the 1975 and 1976 championships, and then added a third title in 1984 with the Detroit Tigers of the American League. He was the first manager to win the World Series in both leagues. His 2,194 career wins are the sixth most for a manager in Major League history. He was named American League Manager of the Year in 1984 and 1987. Anderson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in 2000. I was shocked to hear Anderson's age when he passed away at the age of 76. I remember watching him coach against the Twins when I was younger, and I always thought he was around 70 back then.

We Shower Here in America

My work is very multi-cultural; we have people working here from many different parts of the earth, but primarily are employees are from Africa. Many times things go very smoothly where there is no culture shock on either side. The two areas where there is conflict are in personal hygiene and inappropriate behaviors. The behavior aspect is our African employees gain up on and harass the white employees until they quit. This is a serious problem, but not the focused concern. The topic today is personal hygiene.

I deal with many of the nursing assistants concerns on a regular basis. There are times they stop in my office to speak to me about this or that. Today I had a gentlemen come in who stunk the shit out of my office. The smell was a mixture of nasty cologne and intense body odor. I politely tried to cover my nose because I was about to vomit. I was filled with joy when our conversation ended and he left. You would think with him leaving the worst is over with right? Wrong. The worst part was not the initial stinkiness it was the lingering stank odor which stuck around long after he departed. I was patiently waiting for the smell to go away. After about five minutes of covering my nose and trying to refrain from vomiting; I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I tried getting up and fanning my door back and forth trying to get the odor out of my office. This proved to be a futile venture. I then grabbed my cologne and started spraying every inch of my office. This two did not take the problem away and it may have even made it worse. I am now out of options and fear I may be stuck the rest of the day. It has been two hours now and the smell is still lingering. I am afraid if people walk into my office I will be blamed for this monstrosity. This will simply not do. I am contemplating putting a sign on my door saying "it is not me."

I know with how potent the smell I cannot be the only one left with burning nostrils. I am sure the residents are left with the burden of smelling this man. I would hope management would pull him aside and tell him he is being disrupted in the workplace and to please follow proper hygiene. I know I was confronted with this very same conundrum at my previous job. Instead of pulling this guy aside and telling him to take a shower we held a company wide meeting with one of the topics being appropriate hygiene in the workplace. I am all for people keeping their culture when they move to America, but there should be a few things we demand of people when assimilating them into our society. I can think of a few things we should expect from immigrants, and one of them should be the requirement of daily showering. Preferably with soap.

Finally My Slow Clap Moment

Does anybody know what a slow clap moment is? If you can remember movies such as "Lucas" or "Rudy" you will remember the movies ending with such a moment. A slow clap moment is when one person starts to clap really slowly then speeds up the clapping. This causes a chain reaction where everybody in the room also begins to clap until the entire area of people are all clapping. I saw these things as a child and I believed this type of situation was actually a reality. I always dreamed of having this type of moment, but sadly in thirty-one years I had never experienced one. Because of my mental illness I have a hard time distinguishing reality from fantasy. When I watch a movie or television show I end up believing this fantasy world is actually real. I take the fantasy from these worlds and apply them to reality creating the world I live in on a daily basis. My wife needs to constantly remind me that these things are not real. I was getting close to giving up this dream until this last Saturday where my dream finally came true.

I remember telling my oldest sister about two weeks ago about my sadness over never experiencing this type of moment. She laughed a little over this because it sounded silly to her. I never would have expected she would contact everyone in the family and planned to pull off a slow clap moment for me at our Christmas party. When it was my turn to open my gift from her she stood up and made a little speech then to my surprise when she finished she started to slowly clap. Right after she started clapping soon one-by-one everyone in the family started to clap along until the entire room was clapping in unison. I was at first blushing then the reality hit me that a dream I always wished for but knew would never happen became a reality. I was so happy. Thank you sis this was one of the greatest gifts I had ever received.

This was one of the best Christmases I have ever had. For the first time in ten years my entire family was together on Christmas Eve. All of my family except for my oldest sister lives in Bemidji Minnesota. This is about a four to five hour drive, and we really do not see each other too much, let alone being all together at the same time. It makes me sad that I do not have a better relationship with my parents and siblings. I feel a bit out of the loop on the times we do spend together. I almost feel like an outsider looking in, regardless of this I still tried to soak up every moment of it. I got a great gift from my mom, and the kids were all excited for their gifts, it was a great time.

I was more excited this year than any other over the gifts we got our children, and the gift I got for my wife. I have been counting down the days until Christmas morning. I think I was more excited than my kids were this year. We got my oldest son an iPod Touch, my daughter got an electric scooter and a video camera, and my youngest son just got a shit load of small things which added up to big things. As a gift for the entire family we bought an Xbox 360 Kinect and a few games.  I got my wife this really nice Eco-Citizen Drive watch, and I was so excited for her to open it. I wasn't wearing my glasses so I am not sure if she liked it as much as I thought she would. I just loved seeing their faces and the excitement of getting the gifts they asked for. I sat there wondering if they realized how great they have it. There are many families out there that are not as blessed as we are. I just hope they realize that.

All in all it was a great Christmas, and I hope all my readers had just as great of a Christmas as we did.

A Hit A Day Keeps The Shrink Away

"A drink a day keeps the shrink away."

Edward Abbey

I am not a big drinker by any means. The very few times I do drink I feel a deep sense of relaxation, and often times I am less shy. I would envision if I had one or two drinks a night, I am sure it would help many of my issues. I would be less stressed, feel good, and have a laugh. The problem with this is you risk the possibility of addiction. I have an addictive personality, and if I were to drink daily it would lead me down a dangerous path. Since I only drink a handful of times a year I get buzzed and relaxed after only two drinks. If I were to continue this pattern, soon I would require three drinks, then four and so it goes. This pattern induces unhealthy self medication, leading to addiction. 

A more appropriate quote would be "a joint a day keeps the shrink away." I am all for the legalization of marijuana, and I am devastated proposition 19 did not pass.  It is by far safer than alcohol, and would create a stable money source for our government. Life is stressful as it is; people need an escape from reality from time-to-time. Smoking weed can be self medicating, which is not as horrible as alcohol, and the medication drug companies' produce. This medication eases our maladies, but come with side effects. These side effects can sometimes be worse than the problems they are supposed to cure. In some cases we become physically and mentally addicted to our prescription medication. I look at some of the prescription drugs out there and think to myself marijuana would cure that problem, and is far less destructive to our bodies and mind.

We as a society have become dependent on some sort of unnatural drug to cure this or that. The drug companies would lose billions of dollars a year if people medicated themselves, or if marijuana was used to treat certain issues. This is a huge road block to the cause of legalization. If we all smoked a joint or two a day our society would improve; people would be chill, less tense, and happier. We would have less people in prison; eliminate crime caused by the selling and distribution of weed, and decreasing the money source for illegal operations. The government would make billions of dollars which could then go back into the community. This is a win-win type of situation, the only people who would lose are drug companies, and I believe it was the drug companies that killed proposition 19.

I am not able to see into the future which is why this is an opinion piece. I believe that anything in excess is a bad thing, whether it be alcohol or marijuana.  I have a friend who does nothing but smoke dope from the moment he wakes up to the moment he falls asleep. Although he is a high functioning user I am still able to see the negative outcome his use has had on his life. It is my opinion that the good outweighs the bad in the legalization debate.  I feel the legalization of marijuana would cure some of our society's maladies.

In the end it is important for people to sit back relax, and enjoy the moment, but don't forget to pass it along.

Edward Paul Abbey: (January 29, 1927 – March 14, 1989) was an author and essayist noted for his love and protection of our environment. He spoke out against big government and some accused him of being an anarchist. His novel The Monkey Wrench Gang, which has been cited as an inspiration by radical environmental groups, and was a how-to-guide for non-violent ecotage. He was born in Pennsylvania, but felt compelled to head west. In his travels he felt a connection with the land and fought hard to preserve its beauty. I find many of his quotes inspirational.

Satan Prefers Merry X-mas

Corey one of my readers did a Facebook post the other day on how she prefers to keep the Christ in x-mas. I read this post at first and giggled because religion is funny, but then I sat and contemplated how as a society we tend to refer to this time of year as x-mas, or just simply as happy holidays. I know in spoken form it is still Christmas, but it is in written form where we have shortened it. Now thinking like a Christian I may be forced to analyze this subtle change, and ponder if this is a minor or significant change. I wonder if this has anything to do with Satan's plan to completely detach humanity from our Lord and Savior.

Lucifer/Satan was a prideful angle who refused to bow down to Gods greatest creation Adam. Lucifer knew he was by far a better creation than man, and gathered is other angles hommies and decided to take out God. Well obviously Lucifer was defeated and was exiled from heaven, and sent to earth, or was it hell? I have read that Satan is God of this earth, but I do not know if when he was defeated where he was actually sent, but I digress. So Lucifer/Satan was cast out of heaven along with his hommies. Satan's new plan to get one over on God is by stealing souls away from Him. My theory is Satan does this not only to take away one of Gods children, but he also does this so he has an opportunity to torture those he refused to bow down to.

There is a saying that goes something like this "Satan's greatest trick upon humanity is by getting them to believe he doesn't exist." This is true because if we do not believe in Satan, then really eternal wise we don't need to be accountable for our actions. I also think Satan has done his trick by pushing Gods true meaning out of our lives. I believe Satan has done everything to taint this religion, and sadly he is doing a great job. I think he has infiltrated the very Word of God. He does this in many ways.

Although originally a pagan holiday; Christmas and Easter have a significant meaning in the Christian tradition. Easter used to be about Christ's resurrection, but has been tainted by capitalism and has been turned into something so twisted from its original meaning. The same can be said for Christmas. This is supposed to be about the birth of our Lord and Savior, but has also been tainted by being turned into a time where we get presents. This is just one way Satan has tricked us into separating from God. We put more emphasis on gifts than we do the meaning. Yes this is a time of giving so naturally people will receive, but it ends up being about gifts, and less about his birth. In most cases we have to say "happy holidays" because we are so worried about offending people. Come to think about it, in order to be politically correct you should never talk about religion.

Another way Satan steals our souls is by changing the Word. One of the commandments is to honor the Sabbath. The Christian/Catholic religion has changed the Sabbath from the seventh day of the week to the first. Every time we enter a church for worship we are essentially sinning against God. He not only changed the Sabbath he also distorted the true meaning of God. I am not sure which book you all study out of but I can guarantee you it is not the real word. The bible continues to change with each new addition with minor changes to each one. With each new generation they are all learning something new and different pointing them into the direction of sin. Before Jesus was Jesus he was the Word, and Satan has changed the Word of God into the Word of man.

Matthew Chapter 15 verse 6

6 He shall be absolved from honouring his father'; and so you have abrogated God's Word for the sake of your tradition.

Finally I believe Satan has thrown the commandments of God completely out of the book by teaching we are saved by grace not works. I know not all churches do this, but it is being done. He has turned the crucifixion of Christ against us, to believe we can do whatever we want because Jesus died for the sins I committed yesterday, and the ones I plan on committing today. Instead of being obedient to Gods laws, we step all over them because we think "hey all I have to do is ask for forgiveness and I am straight." I see churches teach this type of salvation and this is wrong. In many of Jesus teaching he urges us to be obedient to the Father. I believe he put such an emphasis on this because he knew what was going to happen in the future.  

 Matthew Chapter 7 verse 21-23

21 "Not every one who says to me, `Master, Master,' will enter the Kingdom of the Heavens, but only those who are obedient to my Father who is in Heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, "`Master, Master, have we not prophesied in Thy name, and in Thy name expelled demons, and in Thy name performed many mighty works?' 23 "And then I will tell them plainly, "`I never knew you: begone from me, you doers of wickedness.'

I want to wish my readers a very Merry Christmas. I truly appreciate your loyal readership. Since this blog is an intimate window into my soul I feel as if I have shared much with my readers. This is a very intriguing relationship because I know nothing of you yet I bare my soul directly to you. It is those who comment I have grown a special relationship to. In many of the posts I write I have you in mind. I look forward to Ramblings response to my rare Christian mind frame, and I look forward to Johanna and Coreys response telling me where I misinterpret the Word.

Merry X-Mas

When I Write Garbage

I try my best to put out quality posts every day, just as I try to write riveting emotional poems, or rhyming fascinating children's books. I try to do this but there are times I simply come up short of greatness. With my poems when I write a stinker I can normally keep it to myself, unless I was dumb enough and published it in one of my books. When I received my first print copies of "Yin" and "Yang," I went back to read my poems and thought to myself "seriously this is dog shit!" I am not too worried about my poetry so much because it is a dead art and will never do anything for me anyway. I look at my poetry as a hobby not anything which is substantial. I do not seem to have any issues writing the "Dylan Thomas" books because it all seems to come to me naturally. When I sit down to write one it just seems to come to me in perfect order. The first "Dylan Thomas" book I wrote took me eight hours, while the second one took me twenty minutes and my editor said it was far better than the first one. Now my blog is different, my blog is a personal invitation inside of my world and direct access to my mind. I write just to write which has caused me to publish some pretty horrible pieces, which I wish I could take back. This blog is one of my gateways for people to purchase my books; if I come up short on a post then this new reader may not consider buying one of my books.

When I sit down to write a post I try my best to calm my thoughts, and grab the first thing that comes to mind and just start writing about it. It is very rare I will be calculated with what I write except for my Tao Te Ching series. I put a lot of thought and reflection into these pieces before I write them. Beyond this series I am just all over the board. While I am writing these posts it flows from my brain onto the computer screen. While I am writing it I think I am writing the most interesting post of all time. I have often times gone back to read a post and wonder what the hell I was thinking about. This is a concern for me because this blog represents the first impression of how I will be perceived by my readers. If a new reader stumbles upon one of my posts and the first one they reads is horseshit like the one I did last week about the Shield. If this is their first impression of me then they will not come back for more, or ever consider purchasing any of my books. I feel a great sense of pressure to ensure what I am writing is quality stuff. Now take this post for example I am just rambling with no real purpose and I may publish this garbage. How many people are going to be interested in reading about how I write some shitty things sometimes? This is neither riveting nor interesting.

I am sometimes delusional and think what I am writing is a masterpiece. One example of such delusional thinking when it comes to what I feel is a great post is in two posts I wrote last week. I thought when I wrote You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. and Absurdism, Religion, and Nothing. To me I thought I just wrote something which was brilliant. When I was driving home with my wife I was telling her how great I thought the "never lose by loving" post was. She kind of grounded me a bit by pointing out where I failed to get my point across. She did this in an honest and loving way which I appreciate. I know I wrote two bad posts last week; the Shield post and the one about the Tao of poetry. I went back and re-read them and was very embarrassed over what I wrote.

My greatest enjoyment in my quest to become a writer is writing on this blog. These brief posts are snapshots into my mind and soul. I know anyone can sit and write a blog, and this requires no special talent, but there is this odd sense of accomplishment each time I hit publish.  I know this blog will do very little to further my writing career. I know I am not good enough to become a career blogger, so I often times wonder why I waste the time doing it. I know this site will not really help me sell books, and I know anybody who reads this blog will think twice about ordering a children's book written by me. Regardless of all this my posts on this site are by far my greatest accomplishments. There is a certain high I get knowing somebody has not only read my work but enjoyed it. I just worry the garbage posts will turn them away.

I do not want to really "work" to write these posts I just want them to write themselves to help ease the hemraging on my brain. The day I need to struggle to find something in my mind is the day I know it is time to end this. I will continue to write posts which are shitty, but I also know at least once a week I will write something good. It is these good posts that keep the fire burning. So now it is time to hit submit.

www.thephilosophyofme.com

"The Quest for Riches Darkens the Sense of Right and Wrong."

"The quest for riches darkens the sense of right and wrong."

Antiphanes

I believe the greatest evil to come from man is greed. It destroys everything and everyone it touches. When we thirst for money, power, and respect we will bend what we consider to be right or wrong in order to justify the actions we have to do to achieve these ends. I think greed changes a man just as greed has completely destroyed our country. If broken down to the basics it can be said that greed has become more destructive than war. If we think about it war would not be possible if there was not greed behind it. I think everything dirty and wrong with man is rooted in greed. This very thing was responsible for the downfall of every great empire, and we have paved a road of gold leading to our downfall.

I know this to be true in my own experience. Prior to taking a job as a collector at Universal Acceptance Corp, I was a laid back Zen type of person. I had semi-strong morals and ethics. I was against greed, and against corporate America. I took the job as a collector and to be honest I had no expectations on what would become of me at this next stop. I had zero aspirations to achieve a higher status than a collector. I was in school during this time so I looked at this job as a pit stop. I figured I would work there for a year or two; then when I finished my degree I would be out. I didn't end up moving on because my degree was in philosophy so it's not like this opened a ton of new doors for me. I really do not know what I was thinking about there.

I had about nine years of management under my belt prior to taking this job. The person who interviewed me told me there was possibility of advancement, but I really wasn't feeling it. After all these years I was sort of burned out from management. I wanted a job I could just go to then leave work at work; you know nothing really serious. I was not looking forward to doing collections because it was; well collections. This required a cold hearted person with a certain tact which I lacked. I am a very timid and shy, so I was not looking forward to having to be assertive. To my surprise I was very good at what I did. I managed to put some humanity into my position which worked better than the hard collect. I thoroughly enjoyed the bonuses, and when I saw how fast this company was expanding I set my eyes onto a management role. I worked my ass off until I was finally promoted. I started as a soft collector but over time turned to a pure dick collector because I understood my advancement depended upon it.

I stepped on friends and became cutthroat when it came time for the company to choose those who were to enter into the management training program. I remember there were six of us and only two spots. I was eventually promoted.  Now that I was managing my own team I learned about this company's concept of the bottom line, and the things needed of me to achieve this. I of course excelled at my position and embraced this company's philosophy and culture. The longer I worked for this company and the more I learned about how they did things the more I realized how evil this company was. They were predators feeding off those in dire straights. I went along with this and kept bending and changing my morals and ethics all in the name of advancement and bigger paychecks. Because of the years of bending and twisting my core values at work, I began to bend and twist my core values as a human being.

I did this all in the name of greed. I wanted more money so I could buy more stuff to fill my life with accomplishments and possessions. I can tell you by experience wealth and status is not that important. I contributed to the destruction of countless amounts of people, and I did this so my paycheck would be larger. We all contribute to this culture of greed. We bathe in it, and become intoxicated with filling our ego. This is not the way to live. This is not the way to treat your fellow man. We need to replace greed with charity and compassion. This is the only way we can right this ship off the path of destruction. Sadly in our current economic structure this will never be possible.

Death In An Elevator

I was on my way down to the first floor to drop the schedules off at the nurses' station. As I entered the elevator I saw a man heading my way carting off a recently deceased resident. I really wanted to quickly hit the door close button pretending I didn't see him, but we had already made eye contact. I held the door for him against my better judgment. As he entered the door my eyes were fixated on this body bag, containing a once living man. It was a very dark experience for me, and it felt like an eternity to travel down one floor. Here I was standing next to a man who was a live and kicking when I got to work this morning and now he is gone. He was in a body bag, so I couldn't see who it was; I was afraid to ask this man's name in fear it was one of the residents I am close to. I just stared at this body bag with human like form to it. I was stricken with such sadness and fear. The man carting him off did not seemed bothered by this; to him it was just like carting off bad fruit. This is something he probably does everyday. All I wanted to do was get off this elevator away from the reminder of my future death. I felt as if I should say something in remembrance of this once living man. I just can't get this image out of my mind. I wonder if he knew when he woke up this morning he would be dead by lunch time. Did he know the reaper would be escorting him down the river between the living and the dead? I was fixated on this lifeless body, and was almost anticipating some sort of movement. This is only the second time I have seen somebody getting carted off in a body bag, and I had nightmares for months afterwards. I know the cycle of life you live and then you die, what composes will one day decompose. This cycle is hard for me to face. I just hope this man did not die alone.