Tim Lundmark's Blog, page 14

February 28, 2011

Back To Work = Late Post

I usually post my stuff early in the day, but I have been out of work for two in a half weeks so my workload was unbearable. One of the things my doctors said to me was avoid stress at all costs. I did a pretty good job of doing that today, but I still feel like I am swimming in it. I feel like it is going to take me forever to get my head above water and turn everything back to the way they were. I am looking forward to getting back into my normal routine. I was unable to write my lunch break post because I had to go see one of my doctors to give me a clean bill of health. The fact I was unable to write during my lunch break has been eating away at me for hours. God make this anxiety go away!


I need to get myself motivated to write three more "Dylan Thomas" books. When my wife was doing research she found out it is better to have multiple books to send to an agent. I have completed two of them, so I figure three more should do it. The problem is I am having a hard time finding time to complete. I cannot really work on them at work because it would take up more than just my lunch break. I find it hard to write at home so what are you going to do. I function better on a routine, and if I do not have a routine of writing mixed in it just won't happen.


I should have knocked on wood when I wrote a post a month ago about how my blog has finally started to take off. That week that I wrote that post my readership went down by 50%. I know I know Trey it shouldn't matter how many readers I have, but because of my low self-esteem I base my self-worth on how many people are reading my work. I suppose it could be because I was slipped into madness and my posts were lame, or because I didn't write a post Monday through Friday. Either way I need to work harder on this. I have made it a personal goal of mine to only check this site two times a day to respond to comments and look at my stats. I did a great job of this while I was out on FMLA. I am trying to work with my therapist to just write and not care about the results.


Coming out in a few months will be my new poetry book "Trapped Within My Illness." It will either be released by Graywolf Publishing or if it gets rejected I will just self publish it. This book chronicled what was going on in my head leading up to my complete loss of reality and sanity. I feel confident that this book is by far the best one I have written. I am just not sure if it will fit in with what they are looking for. There is not much of a market for dark shit.


I want to rap this up with a farewell to Johanna. I appreciate all the time you have spent reading and committing on my posts. Johanna and Trey (Rambling Taoist) have been with me since I started blogging and in a funny way I would consider them as friends. I loved how they were polar opposites. I have been on a teeter totter ride going between searching for faith and then back to a realist point of view. What was great was I would get nudged towards faith when reading Johanna's comments, and back to logic and reasoning when reading Treys responses. I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge this because my readers are important to me. I bear my naked soul out to the world and I appreciate those who take the time to read my random thoughts. Johanna I hope to see you back someday.



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Published on February 28, 2011 17:13

February 25, 2011

Forced To Truly Listen

"Reading your own material aloud forces you to listen."

Stephen Ambrose


When I first started blogging back in January 2010; I thought everything I published was a masterpiece. I would smile from ear to ear knowing I just gave the world a literature masterpiece. I figured because of my lyrical rambling I was going to change the world one reader at a time. It wasn't until I started working on my book "The Life and Mind of No One Special" when realized just how bad my early writings were. This book was based on one year's worth of my blog posts. I thought the concept was pretty good, and I have never heard of someone trying this before. I remember when I first started the editing process; I was shocked by just how bad my writing was. I was astonished anyone who read my early writings ever came back for more. It was in reading these writings which caused me to see the shortcomings of my ability. Even though I am no longer doing this book, I am happy because it opened my eyes causing me to work harder on what I put out there. I hope the stuff I am doing today is a far better product.


I was working on this doing some editing and adding new content to my older posts. I think I stopped editing around posts from April. I was already 78 pages into this project and realized this could turn out to be a three hundred page or more project. I am not known for writing the shortest posts, so I apologize if my stuff can sometimes be long winded. I had to take a step back and ask myself why I was doing this. What was my motive, and what was my ultimate goal.


I suppose my motive and goals was to get another one of my books out there on the market. I wanted to provide my regular readers with an opportunity to have all my posts at their fingertips (does this sound conceded?) I wanted to hold a year's worth of my work in my own hands. I wanted to have a product for new readers who would like to read my stuff without having to do it on the computer. I looked at this and felt my goals and motives were not enough to waste my time finishing this project. I loved the idea, hate the time and effort needed only to appease myself.


More importantly than writing I think this quote can be applied in our personal lives to reveal some much needed insight and truth. Normally when I am in an argument with my wife, or angry about something I will let it stew inside of me consistently adding fuel to the fire. I will go analyze the issue over and over again only seeing things through my narrow minded selfish perspective. One night I was particularly bothered by a certain event which was just eating away at me. I didn't feel like talking with anyone about it so I started having a conversation with myself.  In turning my irritation into vocalized words I discovered what I was upset about was really stupid and trivial, and yes dare I say this I may actually be wrong. In doing this I was able to clearly see what the problem was, how I was feeling about it, and how others were feeling. I discovered the problem was not other people as I previously thought but was indeed my stubbornness ego which was wrong. I was able to find fault and selfishness for why I was mad, and I gained a better understanding to why my wife was mad at me. In speaking it out loud I was forced to listen to myself and in listening to myself I found clarity. For the first time this situation finally made sense to me.    


I also applied this to my performance as a father. If I am in the midst of playing Madden, writing, or entranced by the television I will get annoyed when I am interrupted by the children. I was confronted with my behavior when I spoke this situation out load. To hear myself say I am angry because my children want my attention or they just needed help with something breaks my heart to actually see my behavior. This verbal self analysis brought light and understanding to my shortcomings. Like my writing I have truly been forced to listen.



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Published on February 25, 2011 06:10

February 24, 2011

Leading By Faith? I Don't Think So

 "You know, this is a war of ideology, a war of thoughts and of faith. And we need people to really stand for faith and trust, not hope and change."

Sharron Angle


In 2010 Sharron Angle received an endorsement from the Tea Party Express, to run for one of the open Senate seats in Nevada. I have about a handful of quotes from this woman, and I can tell you we should all breathe a sigh of relief she didn't win. The really scary part about all this is she received 44% of the votes. She wants us to abandon hope and change and instead put our trust in faith and God? This woman was close to holding a seat of power preaching religion over progress. This is a belief many of the Tea Party members share. This is a scary concept because their solution to solving our problems is by praying, and putting our faith in a God which may or may not even exist. It worries me a bit that these far right religious nuts are gaining so much ground in the political landscape.


If more and more of these kinds of thinkers take office all logic and reasoning will be thrown out the window. What is in the best interest of our country will be completely thrown out the window. In my opinion representatives with such strong beliefs should be banned from running for office. I would feel more comfortable with an atheist in office, because I know they would make decisions based off logic and reasoning and not on what a fairy tale creature would have them do. I am sure I will get some heat for this comment, but let us not forget Bush's view that God was speaking to him, and also the religious nuts in the middle east.


This is the part that scares me the most. The leader of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad believes in the concept of a final Holy War, what's worse is he believes he is the one charged with ushering it in. If we continue to put into office these religious zealots they will see to it this Holy War happens. For many they believe this is necessary for the second coming of Christ. Here is another gem from Angle:


 "And that's really what's happening in this country is a violation of the First Commandment. We have become a country entrenched in idolatry, and that idolatry is the dependency upon our government. We're supposed to depend upon God for our protection and our provision and for our daily bread, not for our government."


Imagine if more and more of these people take office. It could be realistic that abortions are made illegal. Research such as stem cell will be squashed; meaning many cures will never be known. They will start teaching creationism over evolution in our public schools. This nation will become a Christian nation, but not in a good way. We will come to exile those who believe differently from us, and soon religious freedom will be gone. It is a dangerous thing to elect those into office who hold such strong beliefs. Soon decisions are not made based off reason and logic; they are made based on an imaginary concept with an imaginary symbol of ideology.


"You know, I'm a Christian and I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for each one of our lives and that he can intercede in all kinds of situations and we need to have a little faith in many things."

Sharron Angle


Yea right!!



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Published on February 24, 2011 06:17

February 23, 2011

The Meaning Behind The Final Cut

First off I would like to apologize for my abnormal gap between posts. Not to sound like a Catholic in confession, but it has been six days since my last post. This is by far a record for me, and I feel terrible about it. I would like to try something different for today's post. This has actually been an idea I wanted to try for some time now, but I always get anxiety when it comes to trying something new in fear of failure. So here it goes; I hope you enjoy!


I am a huge fan of music, because of my job I am able to listen to music in my office for eight hours a day five days a week. This is one of the many fantastic parts of my job. I just throw my iPod in and continue to try to listen to every song on it; which has become a two plus year's process (I am 4k songs away from accomplishing this feat.)


I am a fan of all music types. In fact I have a little bit of everything on my iPod. I have often thought that these songwriters have somehow gotten into my head and wrote a song specifically for me. Everything just seems to fall into place. The musical arrangement is set up perfectly for the feelings I have on the subject, and like I said the words are pulled directly from my mind and experiences. I am by no means a crier, in fact crying is something which does not come easy to me, but there are certain songs which will bring tears to my eyes because of how emotionally powerful they are.


The song lyrics I would like to post today is Pink Floyds "The Final Cut" off of their Final Cut album. This song is the perfect combination between lyrics and musical arrangements. Together they form one of the most beautiful songs of all time.


The Final Cut (Waters)


Through the fish-eyed lens of tear stained eyes

I can barely define the shape of this moment in time

And far from flying high in clear blue skies

I'm spiraling down to the hole in the ground where I hide.


If you negotiate the minefield in the drive

And beat the dogs and cheat the cold electronic eyes

And if you make it past the shotgun in the hall,

Dial the combination, open the priest hole

And if I'm in I'll tell you what's behind the wall.


There's a kid who had a big hallucination

Making love to girls in magazines.

He wonders if you're sleeping with your new found faith.

Could anybody love him

Or is it just a crazy dream?


And if I show you my dark side

Will you still hold me tonight?

And if I open my heart to you

And show you my weak side

What would you do?

Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone?

Would you take the children away

And leave me alone?

And smile in reassurance

As you whisper down the phone?

Would you send me packing?

Or would you take me home?


Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings,

Thought I oughta tear the curtain down.

I held the blade in trembling hands

Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang

I never had the nerve to make the final cut.


This song speaks of my depression, the fortified walls I have built around myself, and my fears of what will happen if I let anybody in. I could go on and on discussing how this song is pertinent to my life, considering this song fits me perfectly line for line I am choosing to not break it down that way. Instead I am just going to touch on some key points.


The first verse touches on how I feel when I hit a depression. The place I go to hide away from the world. This is the dark hole far away from the light of day. The next verse discuss the fortifications I have built to keep people out, and hiding who I really am and how I really feel. If you notice it touches on layers of protection used to keep people out. I have built my wall around minefields, cold eyes, shotguns, and combinations. The final line of these selected verses touches on how my fortifications keep myself locked away from the world. Even if you get past my many obstacles I may be so locked away inside myself I may not be there to answer.  


The following three lines are the only part of the song which has no correlation to my life, but the following two lines are rather powerful. I often times feel I am not worthy of love, and the concept that anyone can truly love me unconditionally is just a crazy dream. The next twelve lines touch on my fears of showing people my vulnerable sides my dark side and my weak side. If I open up to you will you screw me over? Will you take my children away and lock me up, or will you take me home and comfort me in your arms. Will I end up alone and broken if I open up to you?


The final verse is the complete collapse I have when I do open up and let people see me in my vulnerable state. If I keep everything locked away from other people then I suffer in silence, and things don't seem so real. But once I open up then all the pain and suffering rushes out like a broken floodgate. This rush of negativity drives me to suicidal thoughts, but I never have the nerve or strength to make that final cut.  


I am always nervous about trying something different on here so I would like to ask my readers if this was an enjoyable read or not. I apologize my writing skills have decreased quite a bit since I started my leave, so I am a bit rusty and out of my normal routine making it extremely difficult to stay focused enough to put complete thoughts together.


Please feedback would be great.



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Published on February 23, 2011 06:33

February 17, 2011

When I Close My Eyes

Lately when I close my eyes I have been seeing the same thing over and over again? The vision and the nightmares which follow always remains the same. When I close my eyes it starts out with blackness with vague splashes of white light. Soon the flashes of light disappear and there is nothing except the dark. I walk endlessly in this darkness making out formless shadows, until I see a flicker of light in the farthest of backgrounds. I walk towards this light until I can just make out the vision of a chair and a television. I cannot see what is on the television but I can see the faint splashes of color. I walk towards this chair and television, but somehow it seems like I am not even moving. The image seems to stay at the exact distance no matter how far I travel. Eventually I tire of the journey and fall asleep.


Over the last few weeks I have been having the most horrendous nightmares night after night. The nightmares are always different but share two common themes. The first theme is I die in every one of them. Prior to this most recent rash of dreams I always believed it was impossible to die in a dream, but I now know this to not be the case. The way I die is different from dream to dream, but the feeling and sensation I experience are exactly the same. Once I die I experience nothingness, just pitch black then a terrifying void of nonexistence. I immediately wake up in a panic with my body dripping with sweat.


The other common theme is the man who is in my dreams. I feel I should give a brief history of this man since he has been with me since I was ten. I was in the fifth grade and living with my grandma at the time when one night I had the most frightening dream. I remember this night and the subsequent events which followed me like it was just yesterday. The brief synopsis of the dream went like this.


We just moved into this new house and while we were given the tour by the realtor we came across this metal door with six locks. Along with these six locks were an additional six pad locks. We asked the man if he had the keys to this door. He chuckled and said "no but there is nothing in there and we had no need to not go in there." I went to bed and woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. As I was walking down the hall I crossed the door and all locks were undone and the door was slightly opened. I had this sense of fear with a sense of curiosity. I opened the door and entered the room. What I saw next is burned into my mind. The room was empty and cold. The walls were covered in blood with designs and various different phrases. In the center of the room there was a man sitting in a chair with his back turned to me. The man was rocking back and forth, and mumbling words I couldn't understand. I could see his hair it was long, black and greasy. All of a sudden with a blink of an eye the chair turns around and this man is staring at me with his cold black eyes. He gets out of his chair and runs towards me grabbing me by my shoulders and says "dead is better." I awoke immediately and as I turned to look at the door I could see the man standing there saying "dead is better."


I was in such intense fear I went straight away to wake my grandma up. I remember that entire morning I was shivering and I wouldn't leave my grandma's side. The following nights I was afraid to fall asleep in fear of having a reoccurring dream about this man. Since that night I have had nightmares about this man. He is the personification of evil. There have even been times I have thought I have seen or heard him during the day. I remember this one time I thought I saw him during class. I remember freaking out because I thought I saw him outside. I was so afraid I made an embarrassing scene in class. It has been years since I have dreamt about this man; now I dream about him every night, and when I awake I can still hear him speaking to me.



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Published on February 17, 2011 08:51

February 15, 2011

Evolution V.S. Creationism

What do you believe in creationism or evolution? I think the answer to this question will weigh heavily on if you are religious or not. Personally I believe in evolution with a hint of creationism. I think for most people it has to be one or the other but in reality it can be both. I think the religious community is ferocious in defending the stance that we were created by God end of story. They in order to keep their faith have to listen to the Word, and the Word does not say there is evolution. The Bible says in Genesis that everything was created in six days, but does the Bible literally mean six days, or six days to God. If God has been around since the beginning of time I doubt he has the same method of time as we do. We base our time on the rotation of our planet around the sun, I am pretty sure God does not keep human time. I bring this topic up because of an e-mail I received from "God Thoughts Wired" and I was a bit annoyed with the stance pastor Brad was making. I think if we take his example a step further we could back him into a corner and force him to rethink for a moment. Below is part of his e-mail discounting evolution. 


"AN HONEST PURSUIT OF TRUTH

LEADS US TO A CREATOR."


-Pastor Brad


"Is this really true?  Well, you tell me.  When you honestly ask yourself "How did this chair get here?"  I suggest to you that the logical, reasonable and rational answer is…"Somebody made it."  Am I right? 


And how 'bout the car you drive, "How did it get here?"  Again, I would suggest that the most logical, reasonable and rational answer is that "Somebody made it."  Am I right?


The definition of the "scientific method" is, "that which is measurable, repeatable, and observable. "   So…


Which is more "scientific," the belief that human beings are here because "somebody made us?"  Or, is it more "scientific" to think that, "OVER A BAZILLION YEARS…WE JUST CAME TO BE."


C'mon!""


I laughed at the concept of this e-mail. He uses the example of a chair and a car. He asks his readers to answer the question on how these things came to be. He leads us to the conclusion because the car and the chair were made by someone then scientifically speaking we must have been created by someone. This is an example of the justifications religious people use to try and trick themselves into believing. Using a chair and a car as a scientific method to prove creationism is laughable! I would ask Pastor Brad this; "If we continue to use the scientific method then I ask you who made God?" He would not be able to say God has always been around because his whole point is everything must have been created by something else.  


I believe everything you see here today is a product of evolution. We as humans came to be who we are today because of evolution. Scientists have discovered many different skulls which show proof of evolution. These skulls can be traced from our oldest ancestor the chimpanzee all the way to our current skulls today. My father has always told me there is a missing link they have not found. I ask him this "where are the various different species of humanoids today? The skulls we have found are not ape and not human they are somewhere in-between, yet these sub-humans are no longer around. I think the best proof we can find on evolution is through DNA. It is a fact that our DNA is 96% similar to that of Chimpanzees. This similarity is closer than that of even chimps to gorillas.


Let's take humans out of the equation and focus on the animal world. There are many different species of rodents. Many of these rodents show very similar DNA some more than others. If we look at where these rodents live we can see evolution within each one of these animals. They had to evolve to adapt in order to survive. These evolutions can take millions of years or a decade to take effect. You cannot deny evolution at work in the animal kingdom. There are countless records of animals evolving in order to survive. Why is it so hard to believe if animals are capable of evolving why we are not a product of evolution?


"Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night."

Isaac Asimov


The thing I find funny is isn't creationism a theory as well. According to the creationist this concept is not a theory but is indeed a fact. I laugh at this concept because there is no one alive, nor is there any scientific fact which points towards creationism. These individuals are getting their facts from a book which may or may not have been the Word of God. From my knowledge I think science has done a great job of moving forward to prove evolution is indeed a scientific fact.


I don't know why religion has fought so hard against science only to be destroyed by it time and time again. When evolution is finally proven as a scientific fact then religion will have no choice but to accept this and move on. I think even with a fact starring them in the face some will still deny the truth, others will see that the Bible preached evolution all this time. The thing is this; evolution is a scientific fact. It cannot be denied. This is why I believe in evolution because it is tangible. It is so much easier to believe in this as opposed to a mystical puppeteer in the sky.


In the book "The Genesis Flood" it argues that creation was only six days and humans lived concurrently with the dinosaurs and that God created each kind of living being individually. I am not sure if this is actually in the Bible, or if this is one interpretation of the story. I know my dad and I will get into a heated debate when the conversation of evolution comes up. He becomes threatened and defends his beliefs tooth and nail. He tells me that scientists have all but agreed evolution is impossible because they have never found the missing link. I do not take very much stock in what he says because his main source of knowledge comes from FOX news and his religious and right wing political magazines. What I don't understand is why Christianity can't just get along with facts? I am sure if you comb through the Bible you can find a few verses that goes along with evolution. Religion could not argue the fact that we rotate around the sun, no matter how hard they tried, and before long they won't be able to argue themselves out of the facts of evolution.


I will never have the answers to all the questions I have. My interpretation on how things went down is this. The 25th verse of the Tao Te Ching says "There was something formless and perfect before the universe was born."  To me this explains pre-big bang. For whatever reason this formless and perfect energy erupted and the Tao gave birth to the universe. In the 4th verse of the Tao Te Ching it says "I do not know who gave birth to it. It seems to be the common ancestor of all; it is more ancient than God." I think in giving birth to the universe Gods were created just as we humans were created. I guess this is what I think.



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Published on February 15, 2011 07:53

February 14, 2011

Finally Mental Leave Already

I would like to apologize for missing a day last week, and getting this installation out to you guys later in the day as usual. As my regular readers may already know I started my leave on Wednesday of last week, and I have had a hard time falling into a routine. I am a creature of habit and anytime these routines are altered I have a hard time coping with such things. I have also been having trouble focusing long enough to do an actual post. When I went in to see my med doctor Monday of last week he altered my meds a bit. First he raised the dosage of some of my existing meds, and in addition he added a rather extreme heavy duty med to go along with my other heavy duty meds. He also decided to stop my Adderall while I am out of work. This last med adjustment is the hardest to adjust to. If I did not take my Adderall during the day I would get absolutely nothing accomplished. I would have lost my job eons ago if this were not prescribed to me. My med doctor has me off these meds until I go back to work, so doing any writing of any kind is damn near impossible. It took me two hours to write that short piece on Wednesday and almost six hours to write the one on Friday. This is not like me; I am usually able to write a post in fifteen to twenty minutes so the whole process is very draining on me. My wife thinks I should not worry about my writing during this period I am off, but I can't go off the radar for three weeks.


I saw my therapist doctor on Tuesday and Thursday of last week and, and I was not too happy about the paperwork she did because she got very detailed about what was going on. I was worried, embarrassed, and ashamed to bring it to work today. Now you may have caught on the "today" piece. Yes I am here today, but that is only because there are many aspects of my job, that no one but myself can do. I started to freak out about today starting on Friday. I was in constant panic and anxiety over having to come back to work even if it is only for today. I am relieved I only have another hour to go. I have been having attacks ever since I got here this morning, and I have been breaking out in sweats all day and I am sure I smell funky.  


It felt nice last week to just lay and rest during the week. Both of my doctors agreed I needed to be taken out of any kind of stress or over stimulation, and to do my best to sleep all I can. This is great concept during the day because no one is home, but once kids get home this is damn near impossible. I must say that my wife has been doing a wonderful job keeping me out of harms way.


I again just want to apologize if my posts are sporadic, or maybe just even poorly planned out. I will continue to do my best to deliver quality posts as I usually try to do, and promise no more posts like the one I did on Wednesday of last week. After I posted that thing last week I had a "what the f was I thinking!" What made it worse was the damn thing took me two hours. I will be back to the normal routine on Monday February 28th, until then I will do my best to stay current.



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Published on February 14, 2011 13:23

Mental Vacation in Full Force

I would like to apologize for missing a day last week, and getting this installation out to you guys later in the day as usual. I started my FMLA leave on Wednesday of last week, and I have had a hard time falling into a routine. I am a creature of habit and anytime these routines are altered I have a hard time coping with such things. I have also been having trouble focusing long enough to do an actual post. When I went in to see my med doctor Monday of last week he altered my meds a bit. First he raised the dosage of some of my a-typical anti-psychotics, added a heavy duty anti-psychotic, and took me off my Adderall. This last med adjustment is the hardest to adjust to. If I did not take my Adderall during the day I would get absolutely nothing accomplished. I would have lost my job eons ago if this were not prescribed to me. My med doctor has me off these meds until I go back to work, so doing any writing of any kind is damn near impossible. It took me two hours to write that short piece on Wednesday and almost six hours to write the one on Friday. This is not like me; I am usually able to write a post in fifteen to twenty minutes so the whole process is very draining on me. My wife thinks I should not worry about my writing during this period, but I can't go off the radar for three weeks.


I saw my therapist doctor on Tuesday and Thursday of last week and she advised me to stay out of work until March 1st. I was not too happy about the FMLA paperwork she did because she got very detailed about what was going on. I was worried, embarrassed, and ashamed to bring it to work today. Now you may have caught on the "today" piece. Yes I am here today, but that is only because there are many aspects of my job, that no one but myself can do. I started to freak out about today on Friday. I was in constant panic and anxiety over having to come back to work even if it is only for today. I am relieved I only have another hour to go. I have been breaking out in sweats ever since I got here and I am sure I smell funky.  


My med doctor wanted me to check into an outpatient program over these next three weeks. When I told him I wouldn't he mildly put his foot down and advised me this was the best idea so I would not be left home alone during the day. When I talked to my doctor therapist she said we should be able to get by with me seeing her three times a week until I return to work, but I had to promise her if I got any worse I would check myself in.


It felt nice last week to just lay and rest during the week. Both of my doctors agreed I needed to be taken out of any kind of stress or over stimulation, and to do my best to sleep all I can. This is great concept during the day because no one is home, but once kids get home this is damn near impossible. I must say that my wife has been doing a wonderful job keeping me out of harms way.


I again just want to apologize if my posts are sporadic, or maybe just even poorly planned out. I will continue to do my best to deliver quality posts as I usually try to do, and promise no more posts like the one I did on Wednesday of last week. After I posted that thing last week I had a "what the f was I thinking!" What made it worse was the damn thing took me two hours.



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Published on February 14, 2011 13:23

February 11, 2011

Tao Te Ching: Verse 25

Verse 25


There was something formless and perfect.


Born before heaven and earth


In the silence and the void.


It is serene. Empty.


Solitary. Unchanging.


Infinite. Eternally present.


It is the mother of the universe


I do not know its name


Call it Tao.


For lack of a better word, I call it great


Being great, it flows.


It flows far away


Having gone far, it returns


Therefore, the Way is great,


Heaven is great,


Earth is great,


People are great.


Thus, to know humanity,


Understand earth.


To know earth


Understand heaven,


To know heaven,


Understand the Way.


To know the Way,


Understand the great within yourself.


Lao-Tzu


According to scholars the twenty-fifth verse of the Tao Te Ching is considered to be one of the most significant lessons in the entire manuscript. I do not necessarily look at this verse as a significant lesson; instead I look at it as a creation story. The Tao Te Ching was written by Lao-tzu over twenty-five centuries ago. I interpret the first ten lines as describing the big bang. Considering how long ago it was written I think Lao-tzu nailed a concept that would not be known for centuries later. I was honestly wondering when a creation concept would be brought up, so I was relieved when I read this verse. I love the way he describes existence prior to the big bang when the Tao gave birth to the universe.


Lao-tzu says "there was something formless and perfect." Whatever was before the universe was created will always be a mystery, but Lao-tzu says whatever it was it was perfect. I am a firm believer that the Tao created heaven, but in doing this he also gave birth to Gods. I believe the Gods we know today were created by the Tao.


Lao-tzu could not find the words to describe the Tao; all he could come up with is the word "great." This greatness is responsible for everything that has and will be.  He says "being great, it flows. It flows far away. Having gone far, it returns." I am sure this could be interpreted in many ways. I look at it as the process of dying and the journey of our shen. When we die we go to the center where the universe was born. This center is formless and perfect, and is where we all return. Having gone far to the center; we return. This comforts my fears of death and calms my anxiety over it. The atheist in me comes out from time to time to trample my visions of salvation, so I lack faith. I wonder if my lack in faith is the reason I cannot live the lessons of the Tao on a consistent basis? If this is the case then my journey should be that of faith. Once I find faith perhaps I will find understanding.


This verse touches on things being great. It starts with the Way all the way down to people. This is a tough yet great message for me. I do not see myself as great; therefore I can never realize greatness. If I dwell in my negative emotions then I will attract negative things. This concept is brought up in the last eight verses. Lao-tzu says to truly know the way you need to understand the greatness within you. Since everything stems from the Tao is great therefore I to should be great because I am a product of perfection. This is a great lesson to learn.



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Published on February 11, 2011 08:59

February 9, 2011

The Beauty of Forgiveness

"Forget the past- the future will give you plenty to worry about."

George Allen


Forget the past; wouldn't that just be so wonderful? Imagine if we could all go to sleep tonight and wake up with our past pain and worries wiped from our memories. I wonder how much differently we would look at life if we were not shackled to our painful past. I imagine we would live life to the fullest not being afraid to try new things, and experience once missed joys. I think our past define who we are and as a result defines our future.


I understand the future will dump on us just as our past has, but this future will soon become the past and before you know it that ball and chain we carry around just seems to get heavier and heavier. The only way to cure the past is through the power of forgiveness.


"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

Mark Twain


I don't think we can ever forget our past, but we can forgive. By practicing forgiveness we can eventually move beyond our past pains. I wake up every morning and say "today I choose to forgive." I do not direct this towards any direct individual or situation I just say it. In saying this I am not only forgiving those who have harmed me, I am also forgiving myself. This little daily exercises has really helped me chip some weight off the ball and chain of a painful past. Try it sometime.



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Published on February 09, 2011 09:10

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