Tim Lundmark's Blog, page 2

“When desire dies, fear is born.” Baltasar Gracian

No one understand that whomever is up there hates me. It’s crazy for anybody to stick their necks out for me, because after all the misery I’ve caused… I’m not worth it. But everyone is so determined to be altruistic. They can’t… Won’t see that. God only knows the pain I am in. My failures to be “sane” is just more blame to be cut into my final tally. 

I have people who loved me, does that not count for something? The first rule of the universe, you watch out for number one. Soft emotions are just what your enemy uses against you. Friends, family… they all end up pawns in this Cosmic game of chess… and the secret to Life Is Knowing When to say “game over.” I don’t need to kill myself, quite soon I’ll be pulled into the negative sphere of my mind… and simply explode. I am already in terminal descent… farewell.

Filed under: The Philosophy of Quotes, Uncategorized Tagged: "when desire die, baltasar gracian quotes, Bi-Polar, Depression, fear is born", kids with parents with mental illness, Mental Health, quotes about fear, quotes about sadness, suicidal thoughts, The Philosophy of Quotes

“There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.” – Salvador Dali

I have seen worlds die, most die by their own star. Some worlds are murdered the clock ticks. What begins must, end the newly-born contain the seeds of their own destruction. Those of us who accept what comes to all we live in freedom and die in grace. For those who fear and deny death, becomes deaths slave. The destructive seed within them turns outward.

They… we… become killers. By accident,  or by intent. Does it really make a difference? We become killers of spirit… then killers of flesh.

I was deaths undying servant I wore a servant’s mask I was above death slave. I was innocent of the murders. I followed a higher order until my orders were lies. This blood now on my hands. I have done this I was deaths herald. I am herald no more. I become death, the destroyer of worlds. 

My mind becoming the mechanism of destruction is unfortunate. Is it more unfortunate for non-human lifeforms to share man’s fate? We mourn their suffering, it will be brief. I mourn your suffering. I will endure… a little longer

I once lived. I once breathed. I felt pain, I lost them just as I have lost everything. 

There is a malignant force where a shadow once was. It isn’t death. Life can withstand death… Life transcends death. Nor does the evil reside in nature, nature is not the foundation. Nature is the movement, the interplay wind, fire, water, sound and fury signifying nothing… it’s only death, and I am not afraid of death. The atrocities I have done, I cannot undo.

We have yet to create a god to change this. I refuse to accept what IS. The will is already accomplished. The malignancy speaks to the masses how a man has butchered paradise. The land stinks with the blood of the murdered, the seas reek of their poisons, their fumes cloud the heavens. The masses confronted with their evil realize if confronted would we allow ourselves to colonize pristine planets. Would you allow us to spread our filth to the stars?

Why are we blinded by our insatiable hunger for greed that glutz itself on the lifeblood of worlds, of monsters who consume and consume until nothing is left. I loathe what we have become our future terrifies me.

I see a society of monsters followed by malignant shadows I know so well. Monsters don’t love as men do, we don’t sacrifice as men do we don’t know beauty or joy or friendship as men do. Our monsters are creatures of Illusion and fear. Fearing love… we hate… fearing death we kill. I am altogether mad yet persuasive. If the weak-willed heard my madness they would call it wisdom as a result lunacy leaps from mind to mind and a whole world tilts towards suicide. 

Mankind is mad this is true but the madness does not come form me If madness is the providence of men alone, then how can I explain my own insanity. I am no different from them. I lost my better nature and became a monsters puppet I have caused great harm. Is it too late to be redeemed?

When our madness finds the keys are actions prolong human torment and our own. We will not suffer for one man to live. We will destroy our creation. If compelled anyone can destroy me, they have that power. The greatest joy is to no longer fear death. When the fear of death diminishes, no one has power over me.

In my heart let me be reborn. Let my mind be purified. Let me bind myself to more than nothing… someone… something not unwillingly as I have… but by choice. 

I am dying like one of the old gods of men whose sacred blood was spilled to perpetuate a better and renewed life. We know sacrifice. Our first born on the altar, there is our human love. They will not thank you… I will suffer in vain

Filed under: The Philosophy of Quotes, Uncategorized Tagged: "There is only one difference between a mad man and me the madman thinks he is sane i know I am mad", A Godless Nation, deteriation of society, Philosophy, Quotes, Religion, salvador Dali, salvador Dali quotes, The Philosophy of Quotes, Theology

The Collateral Damage From My Blogging. Should This Be The End?

I started this blog almost ten years ago. My ultimate goal has always been to write from my mind and heart with complete honesty. Over the years my writing has produced so many bad outcomes I am left to ponder on whether or not to continue writing. 

When I write I do not hold back, and as a result around two years into this adventure I changed my blog to include a pen name in hopes this will minimize the damage caused. For the most part this worked, but the feedback I would receive was negative. My wife has always worried about our kids or our children’s parents reading my deeply personal musings. This fear caused me to stop writing all together, and my blog just sat out there in limbo. 

Writing has always been cathartic and therapeutic. Ever since I started to have real feelings I slowly began to write again. Last night my wife told me that our 13 year old son and his friends have discoverd and read many posts, and was told my writing has caused my son’s friends parents to not allow their kids to be friends with him.

This was a devastating blow because my intentions are good, and I find it sad that other parents are so judgmental they punish him for the sins of his father. 

It is decision time. As I see it my options are to cease and desist my blog and any future damaging posts, or continue to write from my mind and heart with complete honesty. 

Filed under: Childhood, Children, Confessions, Dilemma, Family, Fatherhood, Marriage, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Parent, Parenting, Personal, Relationship Issues, Relationships, Society, Uncategorized, Writing Tagged: Blog, Blogger, Blogging, collateral damage, Confessional writing, Fatherhood, Parenting

Controlling Chaos Through Self-Harm

If you are one of my regular readers you know I battle with a mental illness. I am one of the lucky few who have both a mood and personality disorder. One of the many things I need to navigate through a mind lost in chaos and screaming. These feelings can be so overwhelming I resort to self-harm, because my focus becomes the pain quitting my mind for a moment. 

When it comes down to survival where I am my most dangerous enemy a person has to do what a person has to do. 

Filed under: Mental Health, Mental Illness, Uncategorized Tagged: Mental Health, Mental Illness, Mood Disorder, Personality Disorder, self-Harm

An Endless Journey Trying to Reach The Carrot of Happiness dangling in Front of Me

I have been lost in this forest of despair 

Confused I couldn’t find my way

His voice intensely screaming 

Investing our minds

Maggots on rotting flesh

Sly as a fox

The Pied Pipers soothing songs

Disoriented following around

Thinking of places, faces, and things which do not exist

The hand of the lost

Reaching for the lost

Wrapped in a tiny pill

Trying to pull me out of the darkest regions of this infested mind

Seeing the world through foggy lenses 

Slowly leading me back in line

Should I thank the indoctrination centers for the mentally ill

Should I condemn these pills

Adorning me in sheep’s clothing 

I resent the madness which makes me weak

I resent the pills for stealing my voice… my words

With no intentions of giving them back

The pills are the carrots so close yet the journey is endless 

Replaced with unnerving sanity 

Fuck the universe for fracturing our minds

Fuck the thieving bastards who stole my voice

Fuck these pills full of false hope

Filed under: Poems, Poetry, Uncategorized Tagged: paintings of madness, Poems, Poetry

Judge Sentences Savage Man to 7 Years in Prison For Sexual Assault of Teenage Girl

Aug 4, 2017 

Shawn R. Johnson

A 41-year-old Savage man was sentenced to seven years in prison last month for sexually assaulting the teenage daughter of his roommate.

Shawn R. Johnson was convicted of third-degree criminal sexual conduct and was sentenced July 19 by Judge Christian Wilton in Scott County District Court.

According to a criminal complaint:

In June 2014, the girl and her father were living with Johnson in Savage when he started “hitting on her” and made sexual comments toward her. A sexual relationship eventually began between Johnson and the girl.

A report was filed with Scott County Protection regarding the relationship and the girl, her father and Johnson were all interviewed, but the victim did not tell anyone about the sexual activity.

When the girl’s father moved back in with his wife — the girl’s stepmother — the girl did not want to move as she felt Johnson cared for her. The girl was brought back to the family’s home in Shakopee and told Johnson to stay away from her.

In July 2015, the girl told Johnson she didn’t want to see him anymore and wanted to date guys her own age and told him not to contact her. Johnson would show up at her work and called to say he knew she had a boyfriend.

Johnson was arrested on Dec. 8, 2016 at his place work in Bloomington. During a search as part of the arrest, police found $980 cash and a vial of cocaine on Johnson. Johnson declined to provide a statement, only stating that his relationship with the girl was already looked into and he didn’t do anything.

Filed under: Childhood, Children, Evil, Life, Personal, Social Injustices, Uncategorized Tagged: MN, Savage Minnesota, sex offenders, sexual abuse, sexual assault, Shawn Johnson, Shawn Ron Johnson, Shawn Ronald Johnson

Faces of Evil

My faces of Evil

Cleverly hidden 

My eyes…

Dark…

Void…

Soulless

Stare too long and he takes you away

Grab my hand

I will take it all away

Follow me into the shadows

Fear not of voided thoughts

Shed no tears

We have lived beyond our years

Trust me

To take the pain away

Filed under: Personal, Poems, Poetry, Suffering, Suicide, Suicide Note, Uncategorized Tagged: Dark Poetry, faces of Evil, Poems, Poetry, suicidal thoughts, Suicide

Happy Halloween

Watch “Edgar Allan Poe-The Raven- Read by James Earl Jones” on YouTube

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: Edgar Allan Poe, happy Halloween, The Raven, YouTube

This Short Test Will Determine How Intelligent Your Brain Really Is

http://www.higherperspectives.com/brain-test-1997532395.html?utm_source=mobileapps_android

I was surprised by the results… it’s either astrology level bullshit… or I don’t know myself as well as I know myself. 

As I am shamefully about to post this I heard cheering from the school down the street. Yesterday it was really loud because Shakopee won it’s playoff game. I don’t recommend anyone with a history of psychosis to have to endure the uncertainty of wondering if what you are hearing is real or just in my head. 

Filed under: Journal, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Uncategorized Tagged: astrology bull shit, brain tests

ECT Side Effects and Experience

I can’t remember the last time I have written a post, I know it has been awhile before my last hospitalization. I continue to fail at my daily goal of a post a day, but in my defence I have been receiving ECT treatments. I started them during my hospitalization and continue the treatments on an outpatient basis.

Before I go further I feel it’s important to note that as a side effect to these treatments is the difficulty I have formulating thoughts which makes my writing confusing because now I have to transfer my hazy thoughts onto the computer. I believe it is a certainty that my grammar is going to suck… I just did a … because I wondered what exactly my grammar was going to suck. 

If you don’t know what ECT is I will write a separate post  describing what it is actually like. My focus is on how these treatments have crippled my brains ability to remember things and to formulate thoughts, along with making simple daily living activities complex and scary. 

I have been getting more headaches, but nothing as intense and painful as the headaches following each treatment make me nauseous. I feel like I may be over using the word “but” I probably am but fuck it right. 

All I am saying is just getting this posted is a huge step. There I said it, and it can’t be unsaid. Because I have put it in writing so shame on me. 

Filed under: Bi-Polar, Depression, Diary, fractured memory, Insanity, Inside My Mind, Mania, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal, Personality Disorder, Psychosis, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia, Social Anxiety, Uncategorized Tagged: Depression, ECT Treatments, Electroconvulsive Therapy, Mental Health, mental hospitals, Mental Illness, side effects of ECT