Tim Lundmark's Blog, page 7

“Absolute Silence Leads to Sadness. It is the Image of Death”

Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Still working on trying to write the perfect post, causing paralysis. I have found a way to continue writing… I call it ‘Black Out Journaling. I can never recall what I just wrote, when I go back and read them, it’s as if I am reading it for the first time.

I have never feared confessional writing, it’s my only gift. Yet I fear posting any black out entry’s. No more, in order to stay true to myself, I am adding a new series of entries categorized as black out Journaling, and will periodically re-post past entries to complete my project of making it easier to search for specific series.

Filed under: Blackout Journaling Tagged: Confessional writing, Depression, Mental Illness

Mindless Journaling

I’m used to being sick at least in the mental sort of way but there’s always been some sort of Outlet for my craziness to be for lack of a better word tunneled in the healthiest way to avoid this I have nothing to focus this crazy onto accept myself it’s a fucking nightmare fucking nightmare. I am in a new kind of darkness, the kind of darkness where people never get out. I don’t like it here.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Cognitive Dissonance

I have lived with my mental illness long enough to accept and try to understand. I don’t understand what makes people what they are or how they’re defined beyond our social roles. I don’t understand fully what makes me… me the one thing I do know is I Can See Clearly when I start mentally declining I’m cognitively aware and can see this decline and the destruction it brings but I am helpless to stop it often times in therapy or in the hospital I wanted the bliss of ignorance. If I no longer believed in insanity would I no longer be insane? I think that is being blissfully unaware now as my mind has grown closer and closer and closer Devine blissfully unaware

My intelligence and thirst for knowledge is the only part of me I do not hate. Losing the ability to properly use the only good in me is terrifying. To completely lose touch with any rational reality, where dreams and reality begin to blur. I knew it was only a matter of time before my fractured and fragmented mind would take away the only good in me.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Funeral Playlists

A thought came to me during one of my darkest days, I wanted to create my own funeral playlist. This particular thought was not a revelation it is a fleeting thought I have had many times before, but for some reason this went beyond fleeting. I was fixated on finally creatung this crucial task. I felt that beyond the words in my books, this playlist would be my grandfinally.

I listened through all my songs quickly adding any song that spoke to me. Once this initial playlist was complete I went back and listened to each song, I took out any song which didn’t fit.

The strongest anchor forcing me to fight for life are leaving behind words or feelings unsaid; I have tried my best to explain my pain hoping the ones I love would sign off on this. Every song on my funeral playlist is a message, explanation, or words of farewell. Knowing my brain functions differently than most, I have always gone back and forth on playing the song along with its meaning. I wasn’t sure which would be better writing the posts and schedule a future date for people to read, but this seems cruel. As long as my mind allows it I may post the most important ones on another day.

Filed under: Uncategorized

“The Pale Blue Dot” Emotionally Powerful, Thought Provoking… Life Altering? Please Watch Video, Read Exerp Provide Feedback

“Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.”

“The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.”

“Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.”

“The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.”

“It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.”

Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future In Space

The significance of our lives and our fragile planet is then determined only by our own wisdom and courage. We are the custodians of life’s meaning. We long for a Parent to care for us, to forgive us our errors, to save us from our childish mistakes. But knowledge is preferable to ignorance. Better by far to embrace the hard truth than a reassuring fable. If we crave some cosmic purpose, then let us find ourselves a worthy goal.

Ann Druyan suggests an experiment: Look back again at the pale blue dot of the preceding chapter. Take a good long look at it. Stare at the dot for any length of time and then try to convince yourself that God created the whole Universe for one of the 10 million or so species of life that inhabit that speck of dust. Now take it a step further: Imagine that everything was made just for a single shade of that species, or gender, or ethnic or religious subdivision. If this doesn’t strike you as unlikely, pick another dot. Imagine it to be inhabited by a different form of intelligent life. They, too, cherish the notion of a God who has created everything for their benefit. How seriously do you take their claim?

Riddle me this… riddle me that… what are you thinking? How do you feel?

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: Carl Sagan, Philosophy, Religion, The Cosmos, the pale blue dot, Theology

Exiting Station 47

I walked out the locked doors of station 47 at Abbot Northwest earlier today a free man once again. I think this will be the second time I left station 47 I also exited station 48,37,38 and those are just the ones at Abbott. Fairview South dale, Mayo Clinic, Fairview Riverside. I have had far to many falling into whatever hole my mind has led me. I just can’t seem to handle shit very well. Just plan on speaking with someone from the City Pages to tell my side… I am doing the exact opposite of what my doctor recommended before he set me free. Maybe that’s why I continue to rude the marry go round.

Filed under: Uncategorized

The Lies We Say To Get Through The Day

There are no lies greater or more devastating than the ones we tell to ourselves. I could go one way and discuss the subconscious lies we tell ourselves to maintain social order, this would be a great philosophy post. I am going to isolate this concept to individuals who suffer some sort of mental illness.

I have experienced many of the self lies leading to rides in Crazy Land, some more tolerable than others. In the here and now the lies to try and cope with my reality is only making it worse. When I wake up in the morning and getting through the day is a living nightmare, yet I will tell myself it is impossible things will get worse… yet I said the same thing yesterday and yes indeed things can get worse. I can’t believe this lie enough anymore

Filed under: Uncategorized

“You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

For the last four days I have been trying to find the words needed for a long overdue apologie to Ernie and any family member who suffered collateral damage as a result of it.

I read this quote in a different light yesterday. I realized I needed to heed Emersons advice because I will never be able to string together words powerful enough to match my words of hurt and anger. Despite this leaving words unsaid is worse than no words at all.

There is no excuse for the way I chose to respond to this situation and I was a complete asshole to you and my family. Regardless if you agree or disagree with my beliefs, thoughts, or opinions. The truth is its your property and you have the right to say who can and cannot be there. I need to own up to the fact that regardless of the hurt I felt from being blacklisted for being me. I was the same person then as I was before I felt rejected and abandoned by my family.

All of that is irrelevant I made the decision to express my feelings on the very platform which caused this problem. I was motivated by the hurt I felt letting my anger do the writing. I was wrong and out of line to turn this problem loose on a social platform. I behaved like a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum, who was determined to to have the final word.

I have to take ownership for the way I acted towards my family. I put them in an unfair situation by saying “it’s him or me.” I created the ripple effect of destroyed relationships. I am not expecting redemption or forgiveness I honestly don’t deserve it.

Over the last two years the self hatred towards my reflection has been a blessing and a curse. I need to understand why, how, and when this monster I see… is me.

It is hard to breathe when I see the trail of the pain, sorrow and tears left in my wake. It is important to express that I take ownership for the aftermath of the shit storm of pain and suffering  I have caused to all those unfortunate enough to know me. I caused this problem, along with all the other ones. It is no one’s fault, no one to blame. To get lost in your heads believing they caused the problems is not needed.

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: absolution, Forgiveness, redemption

“Death may be the greatest of all human blessings.” – Socrates

I seem to always be shifting from one exreme to the next, as a result there are very few constants in my life. Like my shadow my suicidal ideologies follow me everywhere. I knew my fate years ago when my Alpha event was triggered, ever since then I have had to combat my fate by creating safety nets in order to stop me from setting myself free.

Since this event it has been painfully exhausting just to get through the day. My mind has made up, I knew the time, place and how I was going to quite my mind, unfortunately I missed my train, a regret I live with everyday.

I continue to try reasons and meanings to keep me here, one day I can be strong and motivated to beat this, but without fail I am quickly shown the Harsh realities of “life” to remind me of my missed opportunity. I don’t know why but I have grown weaker and weaker. The events of today, solidifies my fate.

I have been very open about my intentions hopefully this will lesson the tears when I am gone. I have been told it will not… let me go… tell me it’s okay… tell me something besides the lies you say to keep me alive

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: Death, Depression, Mental Illness, Suicide

Hope For The Hopeless

I had an interesting therapy session today, when it came time to update my treatment plan. This was supposed to be done awhile ago, but an attempted overdose followed by a psych ward stay and a crisis last week we have had to put it off. During our conversation I was as I am with anyone very straight forward on my date and my plan. When she realized using my children as a reason to stick around was no longer an option, she told me there isn’t a point in doing a new treatment plan when my mind was already made up.

She asked me why I wanted to continue therapy if my mind was already made up. I responded “so I have someone to talk to.” We went over the oxymoronic cycle of having my death planned yet still putting forth great effort to try and improve my position in life. This was a good question, and one others have asked me as well.

I explained the analogy of planting seeds. Prior to leaving for Vegas our fields had been planted with both corn and poison berries, and trying to distinguish between the two became impossible. Something wonderful happened on this trip, for the first time in my life I wanted to live, I saw hope, beauty, and possibly something greater than the nothingness of atheism. The story of this can be saved for another time, because I walked away for a moment and forgot what my point was.

So here I am in this oxymoronic duality of accepting the date and place where I will be set free, yet another side of me is hopeful that life is worth living. The scariest thing about this is hope has fucked me over time and time again. Fool me once so on and so forth, to go from hope to hopelessness is worse than being hopeless to begin with.

In the end we agreed to build off of this as part of my treatment plan. I promised to work on myself as well as my business. We found common ground in the end the loudess words were the words which went unsaid. The understanding that my time left is fleeting, if I am still here the morning after my departure date all I can hope form that day forth are days without resentment and regret for missing my flight once again.

Filed under: Uncategorized