Tim Lundmark's Blog, page 8

“One of the most common causes of failure is the habit of quitting when one is overtaken by temporary defeat.”

Quote by Napoleon Hill. I don’t know how it happened but I ended up getting a second chance at continuing my tour. Life is strange, I was almost hospitalized yesterday, today is different.  I am still confused and disoriented it’s all very uncomfortable.

I am again tasked with trying to complete something I am unable to complete properly. Am I setting myself up for more failure? I have to try and do this which adds the pressure to succeed.

I don’t know if I can really get my website properly done and start my you tube channel. In fact I don’t know very much or what the hell I just wrote. Being unaware of my illness is blissfully beautiful. Being aware that my mind is crumbling is pure hell. I can’t stop it and I am on the outside watching this cluster fuck unfold before my eyes.

I am going to end this post, I am just trying to write daily even if the content is horseshit. The nice thing is people can just not read it.

I do want to know how to not feel so confused and broken. My many masks seem to be falling apart I am frantically trying to put them back together so no one will see me. My masks don’t make sense because they are all parts of different masks. This simple won’t end favorably.

I need my masks to get through these shows. I need to hide behind something so people won’t see a terrified broken doll, so people won’t see my ugliness.

What’s an oxymoron is I am saying all of this in a public forum. The Alpha of My Omega is my final words and I published it. That seems fucked up to me. But it’s therapeutic so it really doesn’t matter… does it? I won’t ever know. It’s time to end this rant in which I have zero recolation on what I just wrote.

Filed under: Uncategorized

What’s next

I wish I knew the answer to that question, and I don’t know. I am feeling things and hurt I haven’t felt before. They are confusing, resulting in an enigma within myself. I can’t put into words who I am and what is my purpose

Filed under: Uncategorized

The Harsh Reality

The Wizard World Comic Con in St Louis was my most successful show, but the hotel charged me early then I bought a 5k bottle of diet fucking coke of all things. With my account negative and with each charge more and more fees. When I saw this I knew I wasn’t going to make it to Chicago, and that my time is ending sooner than I thought. The show went so well I was able to get my account current, yet this success was meaningless.

I had a rock solid business model which failed. My ssdi was denied, I failed my family. My final attempt to hold onto the light of hope was as pathetic as attempting to be an artist and author.

In the end my best was not good enough, and that is the Harsh Reality of life in all its ugliness. I am tired of seeing a universe of ugliness I am tired of being the ugliest of the ugliness.

Despite my efforts I woke up this morning and was forced to see the Harsh Reality of still being alive.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Where Have I Been

I cannot figure out why I feel terror when I think about writing this post. It has been so long since I have posted anything, yet so much has transpired during the hours spanning from then to now. Fuck to be honest with you time for me is irrelevant. Time seems as unstable as my mind, which comforts me.

I am currently touring with Wizard World in their artist alley. I have done two shows, and my third one will be in St. LOUIS next weekend. My first show in Cleveland was a disaster, almost stopping the dream in its track. My investor became nervous, and I knew my next show in Vegas was going to be a rough show.

The show in Vegas was never meant to make money it was about creating happy memories between Cole and I. I wanted her to remember a better me. We hit every possible road block along the way, yet we made Vegas the best show I have ever had.

I promised myself I would finish off this tour to see where we are in surviving and if this dream is a bust or not. If this fails I worked as hard as I could and tried to make something better. I figured after Vegas things were over, but I am lucky to at least do one more show. If I can’t get the crucial things done to create a strong foundation than this will fail.

I have overhauled this blog, and my goal is to have the postings organized and incorporate writing via this forum again. Trying to start a vlog  to promote my Where The Visual and The Verbal Become One Collection, as well as the publication The Alpha of My Omega four part poetry series. Still trying to build complete website and continue to tour and maintain my false sanity

Filed under: Random Thoughts Tagged: Comic Con, Depression, The Random Artist, Tim Lundmark, Wizard World

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Filed under: TheRandomArtist Tagged: Art, Art Shops, BOGO, Buy one get one free, Sale

The Alpha of the Omega

Sixteen  days left until we need to be out of our house, and the prospects of successfully finding a place to live is bleak. So what will happen on the last day of September? Maybe this was the Omega I started to write about in June.

The clock continues to tick away, along with it our hopes that we will have a roof over our head. My mental health and cognitive ability is worsening with each tick tock.

One of the things all of the mental health professionals in my life are concerned with is if I have a plan, I have always told them if I were to end my life it would be impulsive. Since June I have been working on my Funeral Playlist, songs I want played at my funeral so I can speak to everyone after I am gone. My plan was once my Playlist was completed if things were not better than I would move on.

My therapist pointed out that my funeral would last forever with how many songs I have, so now I am going through and having songs I want played at my funeral and the rest to be given to anyone who attends. My plan depends on which comes first completing Playlist or when September ends and we have no where to live. If I am still being suffocated and can’t handle things than that is how I will decide if my Omega has come.

I took out a larger life insurance policy just to be safe. I try my best to focus on the positive light of The Random Artist and the future it may bring. I am so close to complete the small finishing touches and tasks to make it go live, but I can’t it’s too much. I cannot process or complete even the easiest tasks of just living, trying to connect everything to make my delusional dream a reality seems impossible.

I don’t have much left in me, and I am sorry for my weakness. Let this be documentation for future reference that I fought and tried until I couldn’t anymore, in hopes people will find understanding, or let this be documentation for future reference that I fought and made everything work.

Filed under: Suicide, Suicide Note

Will Facebook Light Up The Darkness

It’s been awhile since I wrote Graceful Dancing, ideally I would like to say my life has improved, unfortunately logic proves in an ideal reality the word or concept of ideal wouldn’t exist. Therefore ideally is linguistically a lie wrapped in other linguistic lies such as hope or faith. We need to find some comfort no matter how delusional in order to cope with the reality in which we live.

Reality is a ruthless bitch who shows no mercy to the inhabitants of our vast universe. For the millions of people who are swollowed by reality there are millions who overcome and thrive. I have attempted to thrive in the reality I exist, but have been fractured within her madness. The most recent is being evicted, I am unsure how to make it through this one.

Those of you who have been reading my words know the various dreams and aspirations I have had, unfortunately you know I failed. Ever since chaos invaded my only safe place my life has unraveled and shattered into a million pieces. I still hold onto delusional dreams of being more than I am. It’s the only beacon of light in a world of darkness. Throughout the nightmares, within fractured chaos something has slowly emerged into my dream becoming true.

I have become codependent on this dream. The website is almost up. I will be starting a new blog on WordPress and another on YouTube. Once the website is up the printing options available will increase ten fold. But it still needs to go live which who knows if that will happen. My urgency to obtain curency is my top priority. I have turned to Facebook and offering coupon codes for those who like my page to get coupons for 50% to 75% off the entire store. Desperate times my friends.. for those of you who suffer subscribe to this blog I will cross post for awhile until everyone has subscribed to the new blog.

I have to try to keep out of the darkness. I have been to the hospital far to many times this year.

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Graceful Dancing

The choice of letting go and saying goodbye is never easy, yet the decision to hold on is even harder. I have let go of hopes, dreams, relationships, redemption and written my goodbyes many times in the past, but every morning I regret my choices and my decisions to hold on… This was the beginning of the post I was working on last Saturday, what was to follow was going to be my final words then swallow every bit of medication I had and finally be at peace. Instead I ended up in the psych ward at Abbot where I stayed until yesterday against my doctors and others advice. I didn’t see the point in staying, all they did was drug me to the point where all I could do was sleep. I was at a crossroads where I knew whether I chose to stay or go I was leaving in worse shape when wen I went in. When I walked out of the hospital and reality came crashing down on me I knew right then and there that I fucked up choosing to go to begin with, yet again regretting my decision to hold on. So I am back where I started but with a bit more inner strength then I had before because I received a mental vacation, but seriously how long will that last? The answer will come in the next week or so as I sit back and see how everything plays out between my job, dream, finances, and relationships. I feel I am at the point where depending on how these things play out will determine my future.

My life is riddled with mistakes, and regrets each one adding to the greater mound of shit called life. At this moment three key things come to mind, keep in mind this is not in chronological order of importance.

Failing at fixing all the problems at the nursing home I work at to improve the quality of life of the residents I have grown to care for so deeply.
Giving up on my dreams of becoming a writer or an artist.
Not finding redemption for the countless number of lives I have destroyed in my 35 years on this earth.
Not following through with shit on November 26th.

I think what it comes down to is acceptance. I need to accept that I won’t ever be more than I am right now. I have to finally accept I won’t ever be able to help the residents where I work. I don’t know what’s worse giving up on my dreams or trying to redeem myself by helping people just like me who can’t help themselves. I have done shitty things; I have poisoned and hurt everyone and everything I have ever touched. Many of my poems touch on this concept of being a “virus.”

For over six years I have worked so hard to make up for all the pain and suffering I have caused by reducing the pain and suffering the residents at the nursing home I work for by the hands and decisions of the very same people who are supposed to care for and safe guard these residents. There are many good hearted people whom I work with who carry this burden of failure, if any of them are reading this they know the deep sorrow and feeling of helplessness of not being able to give these guys the proper quality of life they deserve.

I have been in business with and covered up things for “business associates” who wouldn’t hesitate putting a bullet in your head, but being involved with and covering up for an employer who is a non-profit and allows vulnerable adults and employees to be harassed mistreated and discriminated against is far worse in my eyes. There are many people at the nursing home I work at who see the same things I see but do not act; as Haile Selassie so eloquently put it

“Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph.”

All of the people involved in my past life and unfortunately as of late too much of my current life chose “the life” and in the end we all end up in one of two places, we deserve whatever end to our means no matter how horrific or painful. Our residents on the other hand do not deserve the means that transpire until their end comes.

This is my apology to the residents that have come and gone who failed to receive the proper quality of life they deserved. I am sorry that I can no longer continue to fight for the change needed, it is destroying me. My old associates showed more mercy delivering people to their end, than the people I work for now. The people employed by this company who care are used and pushed until they break while the predators are allowed to continue to prey.

Non-profits are not supposed to be run like a criminal organization where fear and intimidation rule. Non-profits are supposed to be built upon something called “Duty of care.” If any one of the “criminals” who work at this nursing home is reading this let me define what duty of care means.

“Duty of care is the moral and legal obligation to attend to the safety and wellbeing of those they serve, those who work for them and others who come into contact with their operations.”

Now to wrap things up there may be some people who do not understand what the title of this entry has to do with the content. Below is a Youtube link of Justin Furstenfeld performing the song “Graceful Dancing.” After hearing his introduction to this powerful song, and seeing the familiar emotions during his performance I decided to check myself into the hospital which drastically changed the content of this post. For that I thank the artist and the person who posted this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCFpgfvPGZo&list=PLIWCEQoVmfdHIakN42xTrXYjPnE6I3EHB&index=55

 

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And I Just Cry

I am sorry for my website looking different,  I am in the process of trying to update it, it’s not going great thus far. Just sitting here listening to music trying to hold it all together.

It feels cleansing and painful to just sit and cry. I am not ashamed that I break down, I just prefer to do it privately. 

I wake up every morning wishing I didn’t, and just hope I can get through the day. What kind of life I’d that?

Filed under: Anxiety, Atheism, Atheist, Bi-Polar, Blog, Blogging, Coping, Crisis, Death, Depression, Diary, Dying, Fear, Good-byes, Grief, Journal, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Misc, miscellaneous, Pain, Personal, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Sadness, Self-esteem, Sorrow, Suicide, Thoughts

Decaying Faces

Decaying Faces

Decaying faces

Buried in decaying places

Chasing dreams in empty spaces

Stench of death embraces

That which the light erases

Displaying those decaying faces

Replacing the traces

Of those decaying places

Those rearranged decaying faces

Lost alone in decaying places

Those dreams you chased in empty spaces

Reluctant to believe in warm embraces

Popping pills to find something that erases

A lonely walk that leaves no traces

The decay displacing those funny faces

Oddly drawn to those dark places

Where decaying faces erase the traces

Of empty spaces

Where death embraces

The places and empty spaces

Where light erases

The truth behind the decaying faces

Faces changing places

The memories it erases

Funny faces

Empty spaces

Decaying faces

Hidden in decaying places

Embracing those empty spaces

Erasing the traces of happy faces

By: Tim Lundmark

Visit my Art Shop where Confessional Poetry becomes one with my art.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/227532707/free-shipping-8×10-decaying-faces-part?ref=shop_home_active_2