Tim Lundmark's Blog, page 3

Walking Through the Turnstiles of our Mental Health System…Again

Tomorrow morning I will be meeting my ARMS worker at Abbott Emergency room to go through the excruciating and frustrating process of trying to beds. Every time I have been hospitalized because of my PTSD it’s not safe for me to have a roommate. This is a big fear of mine that my wife has always been a strong advocate to ensure things go right. 

I have been in and out of the hospital 8 or 9 times in the past two years. The cycle ends up the same I am placed on a 72 hour hold I get in the hospital and have a breakdown because they lowered my prns then what they normally are. Now being heavily medicated the first two days is the only way to do it. So anyway the days pass I start to just want the fuck out of there so I lie and say all is good and they let me go. After 8 times maybe I am not doing something right, so we are going down the route of commitment to save myself from myself forcing me to fight it out and hope I leave with… hope. 

I am at the point of commitment because I can no longer care for myself, I was so depressed and when I found out my dad got my son a gun my mind immediately went to here is our way out. Long story short my dad looks for all his guns as I was trying to rush away and he ran out and took the gun from the car. I am now driving home with my son sleeping next to me without the comfort that soon I will be gone. I was angry I was upset I felt jaded yet again but driving four hours with my son and my thoughts I realized one of my motivations is I want my son to look up to me, and in my current state he has become more of a caretaker. I want to wake up in the morning and have my first thoughts of the day be one of hope and strength instead of death and despair. I have missed my set dates for departure several times. Perhaps I have some greater purpose buried beneath the rubble. 

I have a wonderful support group my wife, children, family, and those who become a family. It took losing unconditional love to discover what unconditional love is and appreciate those in my life who love unconditionally despite of my insanity I have a crew of people making sure I am all right. That alone is a gift many don’t have. My first attempt to seriously look at the problem get on the meds do the treatments whatever needs to be done so I can exit the womb of the mental hospital reborn into a better tomorrow. One can only hope. If I can I will journal during arts and crafts time to keep my progress posted… how narcissistic did that sound? I plan on writing during most of my free time. 

I figure if I can type a post as the time it takes another human being to make a macaroni necklace than perhaps I can use arts and crafts time to at least be able to free my mind all over the complicated interweb. 

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: Abbott Northwestern, fucking crazy, kids with parents with mental illness, Mental Health, mental hospitals, Mental Illness

There Is No Meaning, Therefore No Purpose

My intended focus is to break down, analyze, and apply my methodology to three single events with the intended outcome of making the correct choice.

1. Do I stay or do I go? I have repeatedly replayed the same haunting moment of seeing my son still and quiet on his bike as he watched me get in the car to go to work. In that moment I could see in his eyes the internal conflict between acceptance and denial that his dad is slipping away. I could see and understand all too well the sadness he was trying so bravely to hide. 

As my mental state continues to deteriate, he now sees a dad who struggles with simple daily living activities. His bravery falls apart.

It is difficult for me to release my sadness and sorrow through the shedding of tears. The only time the outside world can see what I try so hard to hide, is when I cannot hold back my tears. At that moment, just as in this moment writing about it I cannot stop the tears. Many people say that crying is supposed to be this wonderful release of pent up emotions. It’s not like that for me. Tears feel like razor blades running down my face, slicing through self-denial and exposing my weakness and vulnerability. Regardless of how many times I have been told I am selfish and only think of myself, at the end of the day my meaning in life, and my purpose is to not break his heart. I am well aware I will never win the father of the year award. To be honest with you I don’t even know if I’m a good father. Despite what I am told I know I have always tried to be the best dad I could be. 

2.  Time holds no logical meaning anymore. Remembering the day, date, even what year it is. I destroy everything I touch. Answering the question I posed earlier… it is best to leave. As my depression gets worse so does my will to live. 

3.There are only so many pieces someone can be broken into before they are unable to be put back together. I now need to come to terms with the sobering reality that I will become in my own eyes everything I ever swore I wouldn’t. I will become my fathers son. I am desperately seeking, yet fear I will be unable to live with the guilt, or forgive myself.

4. Children are not stone, nor are they steel. They are dirt and clay, molded by the hands of experience. There is no way to reconcile the loss of my son’s happiness and hope due to the harsh reality of my life, which I have viciously infected upon my family. Despite my frequent mental transformations I made the decision to get married and have children; in that single moment I destroyed their lives. I suppose I was caught up in the perceived human need for significance, by my own sense of insecurity. Here is where I cannot deny my selfishness. Broken dolls are meant to walk alone.

In moments like this I want to hide within the minds of Soren Kierkegaard and Albert Camus covering myself in the blanket of Absurdism. Believing all struggles for life is for nothing. There is only birth and death, and everything in between is our feeble attempt to find meaning and purpose. This concept is wonderful, but in the back of my mind I’m burdened with this question. What if birth and death were only two points, that they were inconsequential compared to what happens between them?   

Filed under: Depression, Ke$ha, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal, Suffering, Suicide, Things That Give Me Anxiety, Uncategorized Tagged: Depression, family mental health, kids with parents with mental illness, Mental Illness

Where Is The Love Greenland?

I wanted to include this in the post I just published. The only problem is the only common denominator are stats. Over the weekend I reviewed my blogs stats over the years and I was surprised to see in four years I have never had a visitor from Greenland. Needless to say my surprise turned to irritation throughout the weekend. 

I believe my irritation is coming from how large the country is. When I look at my visited map everything except for Greenland is lit up. Year after year not one visitor from Greenland. I tried to fool my narcicisom with the delusion that no one in Greenland has access to the internet… well we know this is completely mental, but I needed something to explain this huge gap in my map. 

My solution is this post. I will Trojan horse my words into that country by writing a post about it. How many Greenlanders will I lure into reading this? Will my narcisistic hole finally be filled?

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: Greenland

Taoism Sits A Top the Mount. Remains Most Widely Read Posts

This blog like my mind is all over the place. Since 2014 the only connection between my posts is their randomness. I never considered if this was a good thing or not, and battled with my format several times. In the end I need to stay true to my mind and keep the randomness intact. Looking through my stats my most read posts involve Taoism and my interpretation of the verses, this is nothing new, although the theologian in me finds this rather intriguing. 

It’s been ages since I wrote my last post about the Tao Te Ching, in fact it has been ages since I have actively studied and put into practice the teachings of the Tao. As a result it is no surprise how unmanageable my life has become. 

Whether this is a direct coorilation or simply a coincidence is yet to be known. It’s been over a year since my mind has failed me leaving me broken and scattered. Perhaps returning to the teachings of the Tao things will begin to look a bit brighter as I become more centered. Now whether I actually wipe the dust from these ancient teachings remains to be seen. 

Filed under: Faith, Inside My Mind, Journal, Lao-tzu, Moral Theories, Morals, Philosophy, Prayers, Religious Brainwashing, Spirituality, Tao, Tao Te Ching, Taoism, Theology, Uncategorized Tagged: Eastern Religion, Lao-tsu, Lao-tzu, Religion, Self-Help, Spirituality, Taoism, Theology

The nonsense of Religion explained nonsenically

In the beginning we create; fire, water, earth, air and void… this is what we use. We are the makers of man. We Are One… we are perfect… Man is not.

Man is broken. Man Lies. Man murders. But man is a maker too. Man makes suffering.

We who never knew pain now suffer. We are not one, we are three. The first urges the destruction of man, the second seeks to preserve the making, the third says do both. With fire and water Earth and Air we send man to the void. But not all men some live. The ones most like us, we choose them and begin again sowing the seeds harvesting the race of man. 

Always watching this happens many times. We are the three. The makers they make man in return they make us. We are that we are.

The three no longer are, yet we remain and we are them. We exist to repair the brokenness in man. We exist to end suffering and to make three into one. By our will we select only those strong enough to preserve man. To purge and begin again but we see it is wrong even the chosen ones are broken.

Power, religion and greed spill human blood. HE murders. None stop him. HE cannot live… they cannot live. We know mankind cannot evolve and spread his brokenness across the universe. All must die. Mother and child:

Sleep

Dream

Leave your bodies 

Be one…

With us.

Why do we stay? Our world is finished. The stars await us. They are our home. We are the maker of men who dies this day. 

It has begun.

Some of our broken children have learned to murder. By striking a vulnerable point on the physical body disrupting the nervous system and bringing about death. Through our will your condition has struck the most vulnerable Point within my mind. The disruption spreads with no further intervention on our part Earth and all her people will die.

This is no time to worry. Rejoice all is well. Witness SEE this miracle. Listener HEAR the song that sings you. Knower, REMEMBER where you’ve been, and where you shall be. Sing the singularity. You are a dream and the dreamer… has awakened. Holy, holy is the dream. Holy, holy is the dreamer. No worries all is well. 

Do you know us?

One of the three are we, who see the unborn future in times womb. Do we even know what that is? It is all that was, and ever will be of the early distilled as information in all universes. Nothing is lost… it is yours to do with as you will, but you first need to know yourself. Do we ever know? Perhaps some clarity is needed. 

In the beginning there is the void. The void is forever. The void is. Then, the miracle of contraction. A space appears in the void. This is the womb. It is female. It is the dreamer, containing all possibility. Then, the miracle of fruition a point appears in space. This is the singularity. It is male. It is the dream. It manifests all reality. Reality from these three… void, womb, singularity becomes all that is. 

There is a rupture between the point and the space between contraction and fruition. Between male and female between possibility and reality. From this rupture, arises time. Therefore, wherever time exists, all history revolves around this rupture. And so:

Separation 

Fear 

Hatred

Madness

Suffering 

Death

But there is always purpose. This purpose is repair. Here is hope. Here is sacrifice. Here is love. Here is immortality. 

We are the embodiment of possibility. We are the dreamers. We have been brought here. We are always brought here, so that our dreams can be made real. 

Something seems wrong with all this nonsense. God doesn’t feel real, but we are confused. God is man’s creator, how could he not be real? We believe this only because we were merged with God. In truth god did not make man, it was man who made god. 

As children fear monsters in the dark so men feared god… and in fearing it, gave it shape. God is a thought-form. A ghost. 

It was at first, invisible to the mortal eye. As the eons passed it solidified and became a monstrous thing. Burning with false light. Neither alive nor dead. Man with his limitless creative power wished god into existence. 

In hatred of self and soul mankind sought an awful god to punish him for his sins. No such god exists in the universe therefore man invented one. 

God grew in their imagination, and they dreamt up stories of floods and fire, lost civilizations. Whole world’s annihilated by the god. God heard and God believed. Stories became our new history. New histories, real and not real. As god itself was real and not real. 

Yet man’s fear of God was entirely real. Since fearful men make willing slaves. These stories were perpetuated by men who craved mastery over others. As for the suffering slave: despising their oppressors. Oppressors, they spun prophesies in which all men would someday be destroyed… but for a chosen, fated few. 

God heard

God believed

Long we watched, and prayed that man’s love and wisdom would dispel this phantom, still God grew stronger, and moved to murder it’s creator. 

It could not comprehend that it would cease to exist once mankind was no more; for it is a soulless creature. There is justice in this universe, but it is not the bloody punishment of God. True justice is born of love, not fear. It seeks to bring balance and atonement. It is often a path of pain, and this the domination of warriors. 

To combat God, a warrior was required. A warrior whose very purpose was the protection and redemption of earth. 

The risk was great. The warrior, li la mankind was not yet perfect. 

He knew fear

He knew despair

Be knew hatred of self and soul. For this reason he would never be told what lay ahead of him. He had to come to it on his own. Such is the nature of sacrifice. Had the battle against God been purely physical, only the warrior would have been tested. But Gods strength rested in the minds of man, and could not be destroyed on the physical plane. To defeat God, man’s consciousness had to die and be reborn for that. Many had their part to play, for good… or ill. 

Even darkness has it’s purpose. I see so much pain. If there’s no more god will there be no more pain? That day has not yet come for earth. It must, for now, remain a worls of joy and sorrow. Man has a choice. He may worship fear, and enslave himself to a false idol; or he may breathe free, and be the god that lies within. 

We cannot know what man will do, all we can do is hope.

Witness, see this miracle 

Listener, hear the song that sings you.

Knower, REMEMBER where you’ve been, and where you shall be.

Nothing…is…forgotten. 

No worries 

All is well

Filed under: Absolute Truth, Atheism, Atheist, Christianity, Debates, Fear, God, Moral Theories, Opinion, Philosophy, Religion, Religious Brainwashing, Spirituality, Theology, Uncategorized Tagged: Christianity, Faith, God, Islam, Muslim, Philosophy, Religion, Theology

Shawn Johnson Sentenced to 4 Years in Prison for 3rd Degree Sexual Conduct Involving a Minor

It’s hard to describe how I am feeling at this moment. I know for certain I am relieved that I can finally start writing about this yet I do not feel Justice has been served. As the father of a rape victim will I ever feel justice has been served? 

First off I want it to be noted that Shawn Johnson took a plea deal because he was charged with three counts of 1st degree sexual assault on a Minor. If he had not taken this plea he could have done 30 years, with the evidence against him he would have lost, which makes the plea a little hard to swallow. 

Thanks to our justice system a guilty person who knows they have no chance in hell in winning in court can plea down to a lesser charge thus receiving a lesser sentence leaving the true severity of his crime hidden. 

On the day Shawn pleaded guilty we were told by the DA that he was only going to admit to having oral sex a few times. When we heard this my daughter started crying my wife and I were filled with rage. My daughter wanted him to admit to raping her and admit to manipulating and grooming a 14 year old girl for years. Admit to the abuse, the stalking, the sick twisted shit he actually did, so we said that we wanted the plea deal pulled, unfortunately the DA had the final say and moved forward with the plea. Despite having a strong case my personal relationship with Shawn could have caused problems adding to the mountain of guilt surrounding this surreal situation. 

Shawn will be locked up until at least 2021 and will remain on conditional release until 2031. One day Shawn will walk out of prison a free man, but I wonder can a man who rapes another man’s daughter ever feel free as long as that father is still breathing? 

In the end Shawn is a sociopath and a coward making him a sociopathic twat. I am a twat free sociopath and i will use my words like a shiv, spilling the blood of truth for all to see.

https://coms.doc.state.mn.us/publicviewer/OffenderDetails/Index/254746/Search 

Filed under: Family, Fatherhood, Personal, Social Debates, Social Injustices, Society, Uncategorized Tagged: crime, crimes against children, Justice System, Minnesota, Political Debates, Rapist, sexual abuse, sexual assault, sexual predator, Shawn Johnson, Social Injustices, Warlords MC Club

Thoughts Trapped in my Mind

Although completely useless majoring in Philosophy was one of my better decisions. On one side I have tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt pursuing a degree which is useless in the working world… on the other it opened my mind up to critical thinking, logic, and the common sense to question everything. This is a blessing and a curse. The curse is getting trapped inside my own mind and becoming lost within the bright lights of neuron blasts. 

Thought bondage I think of my reality, my existence… trapped. I cry when I realize this will be the perpetual cycle… never-ending. For as long as I am alive I will forever be tormented by my own mind, so easily broken around ever corner.

I used to fear deaths embrace, but being scared and beat down by life will turn fears into wishing.

Filed under: Absolute Truth, Confessions, Death, Depression, Diary, Fear, Insanity, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal, Personality Disorder, Philosophy, Uncategorized Tagged: college degree, critical thinking, debt, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Philosophy, philosophy degrees, student loan, suicidal thoughts

“Life may be not only meaningless but absurd.” Thomas Nagel

It is cold and lonely in here. Locked away, as easy as being thrown away. If there is a God why would he play such a sadistic trick on me… I am the puppet he abuses when he becomes filled with anger and Wrath.

My existence, the reality of my existence so short and insignificant. In the grand scheme of things my life is but a short dull blip when compared to the cosmos.

My life holds no meaning when compared to this. Turning inward I ponder if this is what my short insignificant meaningless existence is. Honestly is this all it fucking is? Will there be anything else… anything more to this shit show?

Here is the face of evil and part of an ongoing blog series recounting the horrible story.

https://coms.doc.state.mn.us/publicviewer/OffenderDetails/Index/254746/Search

 

Filed under: Absolute Truth, Arguments, Atheism, Atheist, Christianity, Cosmos, Culture, Death, Dilemma, Ethics, God, Jesus, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Moral Theories, Morals, Opinion, Philosophy, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Society, Spirituality, The Philosophy of Quotes, Uncategorized Tagged: Absurdism, existential nihilism, existentialism, Nihilism, Philosophy, Philosophy of Quotes, Thomas Nagel

“Face the facts of being what you are, for that is what changes what you are.” -Soren Kierkegaard

I don’t belong in civilized society less my madness be spread to the masses. Over the last few years the madness has become impossible to hide let alone deny. If my madness is factual and cannot be denied than what Kierkegaard is saying is the acknowledgment of my madness will inevitable perpetuate the insanity. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the positive self talk advice which is usually followed by the statement “fake it until you make it.” This statement encourages denial and self deception. 

Prior to my complete mental breakdown I lived in a reality of self denial and false realities. 

Day after day I wore the mask of the masses, until I no longer had the strength to put one on. As I have stated in prior posts this shift occurred once I discovered emotions, the evil which lives in all of us. I cannot contain my crazy because I lack a social filter. This deficiency causes me to stay locked away alone in my home. Isolation is like throwing gasoline onto a fire. 

A recent example was getting thrown out of stamp dealer store. This dude was being a dick, what’s worse is I was fully aware of his strategy. To make a long story short this man was not expecting nor appreciated the verbal vomit of honesty spewing from my lips. I don’t know if it was my honesty or my liberal use of the word “fuck.” The end result is being permantely banned from this establishment. My honesty being without a filter almost got me arrested. 

The Pandora ‘s box of my insanity and the curse of seeing the truth of our society, a society blinded by complacency and ignorance. Most great minds are plagued with madness, they must have faced the facts of their reality and still have the courage to use it as a tool to enact change. 

The following link leads to the face of true evil.

https://coms.doc.state.mn.us/publicviewer/OffenderDetails/Index/254746/Search 

Filed under: Absolute Truth, America, Anxiety, Because it's fucking life, Bi-Polar, Blog, Blogging, Confessions, Depression, fractured memory, Fuck Life, Insanity, Life, Logic, Mania, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal, Philosophy, Rants, Sadness, Social Anxiety, Society, The Philosophy of Quotes, Thoughts, Uncategorized Tagged: conservative, humanities, Insanity, liberal, madness, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Politics, sociological theories, sociology, Soren Kierkegaard quotes, The Philosophy of Quotes

The Day of my Birth… Brought Forth a Horrible Curse

To the great majority the day of our birth is a day for celebration! It’s a time for cake, presents and countless Happy Birthdays on Fake Book… sorry Facebook. Unfortunately there are many people who view their day of birth far differently. For people like me we mourn the day of our birth and becomes a huge trigger into madness. 

I was talking to my dad and he expressed regret for not serving as an infantry during the Vietnam War. He was a specialist, and was redirected from infantry. I could hear the remorse in his voice and the swelling of his eyes trying to hold back the tears. I wondered the consequences in our time line had my dad been in the infantry and died. I know my birth would not have happened. I realized this made me sad, angry, and resentment. Wishing for this alternate reality to be my reality. 

The moral to this story is don’t wish people happy birthday because you never know the intense pressure you just put on someone.

Filed under: Bi-Polar, Blogging, Confessions, Death, Depression, Diary, Uncategorized Tagged: Birthday, Curesday, Depression, Facebook, Fakebook, Mental Health