Laura Roberts's Blog, page 75

Horny Hump Day: 69s and threesomes

Happy Horny Hump Day!

This week’s 3-sentence snippet is from my book 69 Sexy Haiku, which is now available as an audiobook narrated by Mike Paine:

Panting for more? Grab a copy of 69 Sexy Haiku from your favorite bookseller to find out what happens next — and stay tuned for next week’s Horny Hump Day!

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Play With Me cover reveal

As promised, today I have a cover reveal for my WIP Play With Me. Here are two possibilities:

Feel free to click the images to enlarge and ponder them more closely, and then tell me: which do you prefer?

 

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July Camp Nanowrimo begins tomorrow!

Are you ready for camp? I am. I’ve been plotting out my goals for July, and they include:

Finishing up my Zodiac Sex book,
Working on chapters for The Case of the Cunning Linguist , and
Revising Play With Me: Sex Toys from A to Z

Sound like a lot? IT IS!

But that’s just how I roll. If I don’t have a million projects happening at all times, I will shrivel up and die.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Play With Me cover reveal. I’ve got two options, and I need your help deciding which is the best!

This blog post has been brought you by the exclamation point — the industry’s most trusted form of punctuation!

! ! ! ! ! ! !

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Stand up, sit down, rinse, repeat

Sitting down in front of a computer all day is bad for your health, and yet that’s exactly what most writers — indeed, most office workers of all stripes — do these days. The latest craze is the “standing” desk (or, for some, the treadmill desk), to keep upright as you complete your work. But is standing up really any better?

Treadmill desk in heels? No thanks! (“Talia is famous” image by Flickr user sharyn morrow)

To test the theory by taking it to its logical extreme, writer Dan Kois decided to stand up for an entire month. And, of course, write about it for New York Magazine.

The results are, of course, hilarious. You can’t really stand up while you’re watching a movie in a theater, and standing up at a restaurant is impossible unless you’re eating at a food court in a mall or grabbing some appetizers at a bar. He observes that after just a day spent standing, his Dr. Scholls insoles are flatter than pancakes, and his family is confused as to why he can’t sit down at the dinner table with them.

One interesting observation, however, is buried on page three of the article. Doctors point out that standing all day is equally bad for you. Think about it: most people want cushy office jobs where they can sit down all day, as opposed to manufacturing, retail or health care jobs where you’re on your feet all day, everyday. Why? Because standing up all the time hurts! As someone who’s had to take retail jobs to supplement her income, I can attest to the fact that a) no one likes having to stand up all day long, and b) you will want a good pair of shoes, decent insoles, and one of those rubber mats to stand on instead of hard concrete (or tile, or linoleum).

The key takeaway, then, is that we all need to mix it up. Workers who are on their feet all day need sitting breaks to let their muscles relax, and workers who are sitting at desks all day need standing-up and/or walking breaks in order to engage those dormant muscles.

Which is worse? Who cares? The point is that the old Greek who warned “moderation in all things” was right. So no, I won’t be buying a standing desk, but I will be trying to insert more standing up and walking around into my daily routine — even if it’s just wandering into the kitchen to ponder whether I want a cup of coffee or some iced tea.

A friend of mine from the UK tells me he has a decent walk to work each day, which keeps him fit, and it’s inspired me to pretend that I have to walk to work, too — even though my office is right next door to my bedroom. So instead of simply rolling out of bed and heading to my desk in my PJs, I’ll be tossing on some athletic gear and taking a quick power-walk up the street to my neighborhood taco shack and back.

I may or may not return with tacos.

What do you do to break up your sitting — or standing — routine?

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Loud and proud: I’m addicted to word games

Hi, my name is Laura, and I’m addicted to word games.

As a writer, I like to believe these strengthen my vocabulary and mental agility, so I justify my game playing as exercise for my brain. Yes, that 99¢ app was a business purchase!

I’ve tried a bunch, and although Letterpress is a longtime favorite, Word Roll has currently ousted it as my go-to game.

The goal: Build words, Scrabble-style, on the board.

The twist: You can “steal” your opponent’s letters by crossing your words with theirs, and “lock” your letters by crossing your word with another of your own.

Bonus points: Available for 5+ letter words and hard-to-use letters like X and Z.

It’s super addictive, and you can have up to 5 games playing simultaneously with friends or random matches for free. Suck on that, Letterpress.

Wanna challenge me? My GameCenter user name is if you dare.

What’s your favorite word game?

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Everyone loves a happy ending — or do they?

I like Joseph Gordon-Levitt a lot. I think he’s a pretty funny, talented guy, so I was really looking forward to his directorial debut with Don Jon, a flick that purports to be about the differences (or similarities) between pornos and romantic comedies.

So here’s my conundrum: Don Jon don’t really address the porn vs. rom-com divide.

If you’ve seen the flick, you’re probably saying to yourself, “What do you mean Don Jon ain’t about porn vs. romance?” Jon even says to Barbara (Scarlett Johansson), during a fight about his porn-watching habits, that they most certainly do give awards for porn*, and therefore her argument that romantic movies are superior (because, awards = good!) is unfounded. These two do almost nothing together but argue about whether it’s okay for Jon to watch porn, in light of the fact that he’s in a relationship with a hot young lady, and he retorts that she is equally fixated on watching cheesy rom-coms that in no way accurately portray real relationships.

But that’s about as far as that argument goes in the film. It piques the viewer’s interest, ostensibly asking “Which is more realistic, porn or rom-coms?” but then never takes the line of questioning any further. Why? Because the entire shell of the movie is built around a rom-com storyline.

I mean, obviously it can’t be a porno. And, also obviously, porn cannot truly be portrayed as “superior” to romance, whether in a Hollywood movie or elsewhere in the mainstream purview. So isn’t the whole argument kind of moot?

To be honest, I’d like to see a non-documentary film that tackles porn as a serious subject worthy of discussion. At first, I thought this might be where Don Jon was headed, since Jon is essentially portrayed as an addict. The fact that he’s also pretty unrepentant about his addiction, even when it dooms his relationship with his perfect woman, is also a good start. But ultimately, his addiction is easily shucked; all he has to do is meet the “right” woman — the older, wiser Esther (Julianne Moore).

That’s about where Don Jon lost me. I mean, if we’re talking about sex or porn addictions, it’s not like you can quit cold turkey at the drop of a hat and live “happily ever after” just because you find someone worthy of a real relationship. Sure, breaking up with the superficial club chick is probably a step in the right direction, but what is it about Esther that “cures” Jon? Her magical pussy? (Note to self: The Magical Pussy would make a great book title.)

“Everyone loves a happy ending” is the film’s tag line, which suggests both the sexual variety and the romantic one. Since it’s playing the rom-com storyline, Don Jon feels the need to have a Happily Ever After (or at least Happy For Now) ending. And that just drove my irritation with the film home.

If you want to shoot a film that’s truly original and thought-provoking, here’s an idea: DON’T give us the happy ending we crave. Give us something else — the ending we deserve, not the one we want. Not all sex ends in orgasm. Not all romances end in wedding bells. Not all movies need to end with fake happy endings.

That’s just my opinion, anyway. But then, I’ve always enjoyed a good tragedy. Isn’t Don Juan supposd to be one of those?

–

* Tangent Alert: they’re called the AVN Awards, and in pun-related news, the Clever Title of the Year Award for 2014 went to Seymore Butts for Cirque du Hole-A.

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Sexy songs for setting the mood

I must admit, I’m picky about my music. To the point that if I’m in the middle of a great make-out session, and the song is just wrong, I will stop what I’m doing to change it.

And since finding a proper replacement could take hours, this is definitely to be avoided!

Maybe I’m just old school. I like to be wooed a little — who doesn’t? And when the music doesn’t match the mood, I tend to get turned off.

“The moment before the kiss” by Flickr user Spyros Papaspyropoulos

There’s an art to making a sexy playlist that will set the mood for love. I wouldn’t say I’ve completely mastered it — after all, tastes do vary — but I do know that if you leave these things up to fate or the fools they call DJs nowadays, you will find yourself in trouble with your date when something inappropriate like “Rape Me” comes blasting out of your speakers. (Why not put “Smack My Bitch Up” on your mix too, while you’re at it? This actually happened to me, back in the 1990s.)

If you’re looking to set the mood, here are my top 5 songs to get your lover’s lips fired up:

Pretty much anything by Prince, especially “Kiss” — a nice equal-opportunity love song, with the opening line “you don’t have to be beautiful to turn me on”
Portishead, “Strangers” — for those times you want to pretend to be — or be with — someone else… (actually, you can just put on Dummy and let it ride)
Chet Baker, “You’d Be Nice to Come Home To” — don’t let any lyrics get in the way of your smooch-fest, just put Chet on and feel the groove
Tom Waits, “Pasties & A G-String” — when you’re feeling burlesque, you’ll enjoy hearing Tom shout “raise my rent and take off all your clothes!”
Chronomad, “Do” — another good lyric-free choice that’ll have you imagining you’re getting freaky with some belly dancers in a yurt somewhere in the Middle East with its funky beats and electrified instruments (for maximum pleasure, explore the entirety of Sokut during your boudoir sessions)

What are some of your favorite make-out songs?

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Choose your own erotic fantasy with Cassie Alexander

Cassie Alexander is the urban fantasy author of Nightshifted, the story of a nurse who tends to the paranormal victims in the secret wing at County Hospital. Vampires, werewolves and zombies are her stock in trade. So when I heard she had written an erotic novel — and a Choose Your Own Adventure style one, at that! — I was instantly curious.

The House is Cassie’s first erotic novel. Just like the books you read as a kid, where each part of the story has at least two choices that lead you to new scenarios, the reader decides how the story will flow by picking from available options. Of course, this story is for adults only, and involves scenes with BDSM, bondage, spanking, MMF, FFF, orgies and more.

I recently had the chance to ask Cassie some questions about her writing, and erotica specifically. Here’s what she had to say.

What inspired you to start writing erotica, and how did you come up with the idea for a choose-your-own-adventure story?

A girlfriend of mine, actually, gave me the idea. We were at a baby shower, and she was all, “You know, I think a choose your own adventure erotica book would be awesome…” and somewhere between the games and cake I came up with one. It was great timing, because it was right around the time St. Martins cancelled my urban fantasy series last fall and I needed to keep my writing mojo up, but I didn’t want to get dragged down into anything with a serious plot, because I was feeling a little gunshy of True Literature. I wrote my guts out (or my Id?) and here we are!

Who are some of your favorite erotica writers and other literary inspirations?

My hands down favorite erotica writer is Greta Christina, whose Bending short story collection is amazing. I’m also a big fan of Ella Dominguez. In more general/genre fiction, I love David Wong and some old school Alfred Bester.

Can you describe your typical writing routine?

My job’s part time, and I recently switched to day shift, so I finally have a routine! (When I was night shift, it was catch as catch can.) When I’m not working and at home, I get up, goof around for an hour while I eat waffles, and then write for as long as my brain/wrists/back can stand, with breaks for going to the gym or yoga. I try to be done when my husband gets home, so we can be normal. My workspace is festooned with Maleficent figurines and other trinkets that I feel bring me good luck. (Typing that, I realized I’m spoiled as all heck. I worked nights — and wrote nights — for six years to get to this point, though, so don’t hate me too badly.)

Do you have any favorite beverages that help keep your creativity flowing?

Embarrassingly normal chamomile tea, and vast quantities of Crystal Light lemonade.

What do you think makes for a good erotic story?

The build up. Everyone knows what’s coming, but how you get there — how long it takes, how badly the characters want it, layering it in until the timing’s just right — that’s what matters most, IMO.

What’s your favorite euphemism for genitalia?

Ha! I like the straight terms pussy and cock.

For more from Cassie, hit up her website at cassiealexander.com, and be sure to check out her book, The House, at Amazon to choose your own fantasy.

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Fiction Friday: Deleted scenes of girl-on-girl love

Chapter five of The Case of the Cunning Linguist is currently up at Jukepop, so take a moment to pop over, read it and +Vote it.

I’ll wait.

Okay, if you’re back that means you’re ready for something more. The deleted scene that was a little too racy for Jukepop’s PG-13 restrictions, perhaps?

Here goes. Oh, and if you haven’t read the warnings on this blog yet, it’s fucking 18+ and this is gonna get graphic. Step off now if you’ve got issues.

“I love to do things the censors won’t pass.” –Marilyn Monroe

Everybody strapped in, vibrators at the ready?

Let’s play.

–=- CHAPTER 5, DELETED SCENE -=-

“Dreadful,” I said, squeezing my thighs together at the thought. I wondered if I could request that she reenact the scene for my own amusement. It would be terribly unprofessional, but why did it seem she was trying to turn me on with her come-hither gaze and fuck-me eyes? Even her tone had relaxed into a purr as she described Father O’Malley’s indiscretions. Clearly Sister Magdalena was no stranger to the erotic arts, but was she truly trying to seduce me?

“It was beautiful,” she sighed. “He was a fantastic lover, oddly enough. I had though he would be greedy, aiming only to have his vices satisfied, but he always tended to my needs first. That afternoon alone I had three orgasms beneath the Rose window, and two more on the altar. It was quite fulfilling.”

“Oh, my. Is it hot in here?” I asked, unbuttoning my blouse to expose my lace bra and heaving bosom.

“I hadn’t noticed,” Sister Magdalena smiled. “But now that you mention it, I suppose it is rather warm.” She stood up and, with practiced form, shimmied out of her skirt, blouse and undergarments.

Beneath the Snow White garb was heavenly perfection, in earthly form. Breasts as buoyant as if a surgeon had sculpted them, an hourglass shape as perfectly curved as Marilyn Monroe’s, and a neatly manicured landing strip leading to the doors of paradise. I knelt and prayed at this holiest of holies, tongue outstretched, a supplicant in search of confession. She tasted of warm honey, and I lapped her juices as if licking whipped cream from a bowl, aiming for the cherry in the middle.

As I buried my face inside of her, she moaned low and slow. Her hands slid into my hair, massaging my scalp as I licked and sucked, and her tone began to rise as I inserted one finger, then two, then three, my thumb circling the button of her clit, fingers flying up and down, back and forth, swirling and fluttering, looking for that perfect rhythm.

“Venus,” she finally gasped, “Let me taste you!”

We lay on the floor together in a textbook 69, exploring each other intimately. I faltered in my rhythm as the tip of her tongue touched my lips with an electric shock. The current sizzled through my loins, and I spread my legs wider as I felt the moist heat of my desire expanding outward. She gently caressed my blossoming pussy, making me groan with excitement. Finally, she leaned in again for a flat-tongued lick, slow and firm, from bottom to top.

“Oh fuck,” I moaned, as she pressed into me, one finger poised just above my clit. I tilted towards her, greedy for release, but she deftly tipped away, fueling my fire.

“Nipples,” she said, pushing me onto my back and climbing astride my body. “Oh, yes, yours are perfect!”

Dipping her thumbs into her mouth to moisten the tips, she began to make circling motions against each of my upturned nipples. I groaned helplessly as she massaged them, feeling the electricity racing from my breasts down to my pussy and back again. It was a complete current, lighting up my entire system, and I longed for her lips on mine once more.

Sensing my distress, she continued her explorations calmly, grinding her hips against mine as she continued to tweak and massage my nipples.

“Fuck yes,” I whispered.

She continued to rock gently, clit on clit, each of us sighing and gasping in turn. It was heavenly.

Just as I began to climax, there was a loud rapping on my office door.

“Shit!”

Sister Magdalena was nonplussed, slipping three fingers inside me and clamping down on my clit.

“OH SWEET JESUS!” I shouted, coming hard against her hand. She was already halfway to her own orgasm, fingering herself vigorously with her opposite hand. She sucked in air and moaned loudly, her juices squirting in a stream between her fingers.

Sister Magdalena, the squirting nun, had just given me the best orgasm of my life. Maybe there was something to this god shit after all.

XXX

Want more from The Case of the Cunning Linguist? You can pre-order a copy of the full book (ebook or print) — out this September — by clicking here.

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It takes a village: Help support an author!

There’s a myth about writers, that we toil alone in our turrets, writing each of our books in solitude.

Well guess what? Writing a book takes a village. Whether you’re an indie author DIYing your way to the top or a fancypants traditionally published author, you still need a team behind you to help support your goal of writing and publishing the best book you can.

That’s where the Author Support Blog Hop comes in.

Today’s a day for authors to visit each others’ websites and give one another some much needed support on this journey. We’ll each be answering questions about what we do, how — and why — we do it, and tossing out questions and even pleas for help from each other.

What I do

So what do I do? Thankfully I work from home, which means I can roll out of bed, stumble to the computer and start working in my PJs. But that doesn’t mean it’s sunshine and lollipops all the time. I do still have a day jobs that pays that bills, so I typically dedicate about 4 to 6 hours each day to making bank. (And that frequently includes weekends, too.) That leaves me the rest of the day to wear several different hats, including:

Writer — cranking out more words for a variety of works in progress (including my ongoing serial novel, The Case of the Cunning Linguist , over at Jukepop)
Marketer — figuring out how to introduce more readers to my existing books
Editor — lining up writing for publication 7 days a week over at my literary magazine, Black Heart — as well as marketing and tons of other behind-the-scenes activities related to the magazine’s direction

Broken down that way, it may not sound terribly overwhelming, but of course nothing is ever quite that neat and tidy. Fires will erupt at the magazine that I have to tend to ASAP; the day job will send me last-minute work due the same day; marketing stuff will fall by the wayside; writing will get pushed to odd hours; the cat food I ordered from Amazon will mysteriously not show up on time, leaving my cats with nothing but dry food; and my husband will flip out because he never gets any time to do his artistic projects since he’s stressed out at his day job.

It’s all a little crazy.

How I handle it

So how do I handle it? I just try to do what I can, when I can, and keep on carving out small bits of time to get to items on that neverending To Do List. Writing has to happen every day, no matter what, so I’ve set myself the very minimal task of writing 350 words a day in order to keep on chipping away at my projects. I don’t really have any magical tips or tricks for how to accomplish that, other than locking yourself in a room with a laptop or notebook and pen and just getting the words written. It’s all a matter of applying my ass to the chair, my fingers to the keyboard, and writing like the wind.

Why keep at it?

Why do I do it? Because if I don’t write, I get mighty cranky indeed, and that isn’t good for anyone. Because writers can’t not write. Because I’ve still got more to say, more characters to draw up, more worlds to build, more crazy adventures to send people on so I can live a million more lives, vicariously, through them.

When I feel depressed or my motivation is flagging, I fire up a pot of coffee (or, actually, a cup — since I make mine with an Aeropress, which does one shot at a time), sit down on the couch with a notebook, and start brainstorming. I think about how the world isn’t waiting for my next novel, and I tell myself it should be, because it’s going to kick ass. And then, I hit the keyboard until something — even if it’s the world’s shittiest first draft — appears on the screen.

And always hit save, every few seconds, just in case. Unless you’re using Scrivener, which saves automatically. (Yes, really.)

My plea for help

In terms of pleas for help, I just have one:

Please read my serial novel, The Case of the Cunning Linguist, over at Jukepop and give it a +Vote! (You need to be logged in to do so, and can sign up easily using a Facebook account. It’s free!)

Help me help you!

If you’ve got an author page you’d like me to Like, a Twitter feed you’d like me to follow, or a blog you’d like me to read, just let me know in the comments and I will gladly return the favor. Also, if you’re an erotica writer, get in touch! I’m starting a new series of interviews on this blog, so I’d love to learn more about your book(s) and help share them with the world.

Thanks to Sharon Bayliss, author of The Charge, for setting up this blog hop, and be sure to check out her blog for a list of fellow authors to visit!

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