Sue Julsen's Blog - Posts Tagged "fear"

When it hurts to look back...Life of pits, no cherries

'When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead' explains how I felt for many years.

But, when the past gets in the way of the future, sometimes the only choice is to look back.

As much as it hurt, I looked back to the worse time in my life and in that pain I began to write my memoir of that early life.

I was told I was a happy kid until I turned two. We had to live with my grandparents because Daddy wouldn't keep a job, but he didn't want Mama to work, so they fought all the time.

At two years old Daddy tried to kidnap me, but was caught before he got out of town.

After that, everyone in the family watched him closely for a long time. Then he began pushing me away and acting like he wished I'd never been born, so they let their guard down.

One night Mama and Daddy had a big fight because she'd taken a job to make ends meet. Daddy walked out, but after Mama went to work, he snuck back into the house in the middle of the night. He again, took me from my bed, but this time, he made a clean get away. I was three years old.

I didn't know how my life was going to change—forever.

From that night on I grew up in the shadow of fear, uncertainty and hate, not knowing if I'd ever know trust, real love, or happiness again...

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Dreams...

A new life of: Happiness and Health

A new life without: Fear or Pain or Sorrow

Who am I?

I am a survivor of child abuse…

I am the author of Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival. Although my story is heart-wrenching, it’s also a story of my fight for survival in a world of hunger, abuse and fear while on the run from the police and my family left behind after I was kidnapped by my father in the middle of the night. I was only three years old.

My story is an unnervingly gripping account of the extremes of neglect and mistreatment a child can undergo — and still survive. However, I didn’t do this alone. I had wonderful guardian angels to help me. I was so terrified from the abuse that I split into multiple personalities just to survive.

My book tells all. I didn’t hold back any feelings whatsoever, using “colorful” language that went right along with these feelings. Bitter Memories took 40+ years to write because the pain of remembering was so powerful, so overwhelming, I had to change my name in the book, like I was writing about someone else, not me, just so I could write my life story. Names of everyone involved were changed to protect the innocent—and the guilty.

My story was told to help other child abuse survivors know they are not alone. There are others who understand and won’t look down on them. By sharing my life story, other survivors can come forward and find a path toward healing their pain.

My dream is to help rid the world of child abuse. By survivors telling our stories, the horrors of this national epidemic can be changed. Together we can help protect our children and keep them safe.

Who am I?

I am a survivor with a dream…

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

The blog has been slow in coming, but I've been busy with my next book that is now available. More on this at the end of today's blog.

The farther down the road we traveled, the more comfortable Daddy became. I had no idea where we were. I'd watched night turn to day and back to night several times before I saw Daddy smile.

Seeing his smile, I began to feel more at ease and not as afraid, but still, I would not mention Judy again. I didn't want Daddy getting mad again, and like it or not, I had to accept the fact that Judy, my best friend in the whole world, was gone.

I'd been sleeping off and on for several days, Each time I'd awaken I'd tell Daddy I was hungry, and each time he'd tell me we hadn't gotten to a town yet and to go back to sleep.

Curling up on the backseat, I thought I'd starve if we didn't get to a town soon...

For more info on my next book, Trophy Murders, the fictionalized sequel to Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival please visit my website:
http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

I watch them. Strangers walking down the street, smiling and laughing, and I wonder: What was their life like growing up? Did they have a normal life? Did their parents love them; tell them they were wanted? Were they told they were, and are, cherished?

As children, did they easily fit in with other kids, or go out of their way trying to fit in? Did they succeed, or were they laughed at? In a crowd, did they slink into a corner trying to be invisible? Did they get beatings—or whippings—or just grounded? Were they told how useless they were and they never should’ve been born?

As adults, do they have self-confidence or are they intimidated easily? Are they afraid to voice an opinion? Afraid of being ridiculed? Afraid of doing something wrong?

While watching these seemingly normal, happy men and women I wonder: Are their smiles are fake? Are they laughing outside, but crying inside?

Thanks to my father running off with me, most of my life I cried inside while faking a smile. I felt alone. Unloved. Unwanted. I didn’t have a mother to confide in…to be my best friend. That dreadful night, as he drove away from the only home I’d ever known, I had no idea how much my life was about to change—forever.

Starting at age three, my life was filled with sorrow, neglect and abuse—a life no child should ever experience. Hurt time and again by people who claimed to love me, I grew up in the shadow of fear, uncertainty and hate. I lived life on the run, starving, abused and terrified. So terrified, in order to survive, I split into multiple personalities. This disassociation allowed me to detach from the abuse as if it was not happening to me.

The first disassociation was with Daddy, but the number of times and the duration increased over the years as the abuse escalated. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any worse, Daddy left me alone in the car for days while he went off with a woman. When he finally returned and told me he’d married her, I was devastated! I begged him to leave her, but he slapped me so hard I saw stars.

During the next two years, living with the evil stepmother, I found out just how bad things could get. She did awful things, but the worst—she sold me to her male friends for twenty bucks and a bottle of booze.

All my life I tried to run from myself. I tried to forget the horrible things that had happened, but I couldn’t. I’d been left with scars from so many bitter memories, voices in my head, and nightmares. Horrendous nightmares that I felt sure would haunt me for the rest of my life.

For years I always wondered if I’d be a better person today if I’d had a normal life? What is normal anyway?

I wonder how many adult survivors have asked themselves that question? I’ve asked for as long as I can remember, and I still don’t know. How could I? My life was as far from normal as it could possibly get.

Although unnerving, Bitter Memories is a gripping account of the extremes a child can undergo—and survive. Written from the heart, taking on a life of its own, I relived those memories of heartache, sadness, extreme hunger, and intense fear in hopes of helping other adult survivors find a path toward healing their “hidden” scars. My story deals with explosive topics that former child victims of mental, physical, and sexual violence will understand.

My life was a living hell, one of extreme worst. But it doesn’t take extreme to mess up a child’s head. It doesn’t take extreme to drive a child beyond the breaking point.

Without professional help to deal with abuse issues, long term effects include fear, anxiety, depression, anger, hostility, inappropriate sexual behavior, poor self esteem, tendency toward substance abuse and difficulty with close relationships.

Without help, abused kids continue to experience the trauma. Fear, insecurities, a sense of hopelessness prevents the child from living a happy, fulfilled life. Many times, as I did, victims relive their abuse in recurring nightmares.

Pain of abuse is so intense, yet victims feel they can’t talk to anyone about the abuse. They feel ashamed. They have low self esteem. In a crowd, they feel totally alone. Feelings of despair sets in; they believe the abuse was their fault; they’re being punished for being bad; life isn’t worth living. When this hidden pain inside becomes overwhelming, the victim is more likely to attempt suicide.

Child abuse, neglect and/or abduction are national epidemics. Sweeping it under the rug, or choosing to believe it doesn’t happen, won’t make it go away, nor does it change statistics: (1) Almost five children die daily from abuse in the United States. (2) Three million abuse reports—physical, emotional, sexual and/or neglect—are made every year. (3) It’s estimated nearly 10 million cases will go unreported. (4) It’s estimated 60 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse live in America today. (5) Girls are three times more likely to be sexually abused than boys, however, boys have a greater risk of emotional neglect and serious injury than girls.

It doesn’t matter how abuse is inflicted, it still leaves a lasting impression on the victim. Homes in which women are beaten are at greater risk of having abused children. Children abused, as much as they don’t want to, often subject their own children to abuse.

If you see, or even suspect a child is being abused, report it immediately. It would be better to be wrong, than to be right and do nothing, and you may help save a child from a lifetime of heartache.

All an abused child needs is a chance and an environment full of love and kindness to show them how truly important they are.

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Have been working as much as time allows on the next book in this series.

Made it to the last chapter, but nearing the end, the story took on a life of its own. Although exciting, is was an unexpected turn.

However, I did finish that one last night, and am again trying to write the last chapter...see what happens this time...

Will it get finished? Or, will there be another surprise hidden inside my head?

Stay tuned...Cutter's Revenge is in the works!

If you missed Bill Murray's blog radio show last night where I was the guest, here’s the replay link. Enjoy!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-mur...

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Stop Child Abuse Now (SCAN) - 298 -- special guest Sue Julsen

Tonight's special guest is Sue Julsen from Nevada, a survivor and thriver and author of "Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival." Largely autobiographical, Ms Julsen has chosen to use fictional names so as to protect some of those in the story from the horrors that actually occurred. Abducted by her father when she was three, the book's main character, Sarah, found herself in a world of criminal neglect and unfathomable oppression as her father and stepmother perpetrated more and more horrible acts of verbal, mental and sexual abuse on the innocent girl. So continually terrified was Sarah, that she began to form separate personalities so that she herself did not have to face the hideous reality of her day to day life. Only through the nightmare pictures that the other personalities sometimes presented to her while she slept did Sarah have any hint about the horrific abuse she was being subjected to. The personalities would block out time for Sarah and bear the horror of the experiences themselves so that their dear Sarah would not have to. This tale of the author’s early life, a life on the run, featuring starvation, fear and molestation, is a truly unnerving and gripping account of the extremes of neglect and mistreatment a child can undergo. "Bitter Memories" is dedicated to all adult survivors of abuse and is written with the hope that exposing these horrors will help to prevent them from happening to others. "Trophy Murders" is the fictionalized sequel to her first book, and she is currently working on the third book in this series that will be out later this year.

From The Heart is a book of fifteen poems, exposing feelings never shared before. It also includes stories behind what inspired each poem in this book to be written.

If you’ve read Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival and the other two books in this series, then you already know my story, and you’ll recognize several poems from that time in my life.

If you haven't read my other books yet, to learn the full story, you’ll just have to read the bitter memories trilogy.

For so many years my life was a living hell on earth, but here's one of the poems in FROM THE HEART written after I'd gone on a three-day retreat. This was when my life began to improve, but I still had a long way to go before I found true peace. Enjoy!

THE BRIDGE TO LIFE

I knew one day I would find a place
A place where all fears would fade away.
I spent my entire life trying to hide
Trying clever ways, I thought, to conceal
Afraid to let anyone see the real me.

I knew one day I would find a place
A place to build a bridge to You.
I was looking for a road or a path
A narrow road to love, to strength
A path to understanding.
I knew one day I would find a place
A place of sparkling waters.
There’s been so much missing in my life
I want to let love enter in
I no longer want to go it alone.

Did I let it just happen?
Or, did someone bring me here?
This place of peace and contentment
The place to build a bridge to You.
Never to go alone again, or, in fear.

I have found the place I looked for
The place to let my feelings free.
A place to let God enter in
With His love, His strength
His understanding.

* * *

I hope you'll get a copy of FROM THE HEART and take a short walk back in time with me. Or, get the audio version; sit back, relax, and listen as Beth MacEwan narrates.

I personally was totally blown away when I first heard Beth bringing life to my simple words, speaking with all the passion I felt during the writing.
The audiobook is truly awesome!

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

FROM THE HEART


From The Heart is a book of fifteen poems, exposing feelings never shared before. It also includes stories behind what inspired each poem in this book to be written.

If you’ve read Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival and the other two books in this series (Trophy Murders and Cutter's Revenge, then you already know most of my story, and you’ll recognize several poems from that time in my life.

If you haven't read my other books yet, to learn the full story, you’ll just have to read the bitter memories trilogy.

For so many years my life was a living hell on earth, but here's one of the poems in FROM THE HEART written after I'd gone on a three-day retreat. This was when my life slowly began to improve, but I still had a long way to go before I found true peace. Enjoy!

THE BRIDGE TO LIFE

I knew one day I would find a place
A place where all fears would fade away.
I spent my entire life trying to hide
Trying clever ways, I thought, to conceal
Afraid to let anyone see the real me.

I knew one day I would find a place
A place to build a bridge to You.
I was looking for a road or a path
A narrow road to love, to strength
A path to understanding.
I knew one day I would find a place
A place of sparkling waters.
There’s been so much missing in my life
I want to let love enter in
I no longer want to go it alone.

Did I let it just happen?
Or, did someone bring me here?
This place of peace and contentment
The place to build a bridge to You.
Never to go alone again, or, in fear.

I have found the place I looked for
The place to let my feelings free.
A place to let God enter in
With His love, His strength
His understanding.

* * *

I hope you'll get a copy of FROM THE HEART and take a short walk back in time with me. Or, get the audio version; sit back, relax, and listen as Beth MacEwan narrates.

I personally was totally blown away when I first heard Beth bringing life to my simple words, speaking with all the passion I felt during the writing.
The audiobook is truly awesome!

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father...

Constantly on the road day and night, I hadn't had anything to eat since we'd left home, and that had been several days ago. I was so hungry my stomach hurt.

Daddy was still acting very strange, but he kept telling me to go back to sleep and we'd get something to eat when we got to a town.

When I awoke to find the car not moving, I sat up to look around and I saw Daddy...

Please visit my website to learn more about the bitter memories trilogy, and my poetry book, From The Heart, also based on events in my life, that includes short stories that inspired the writing of each poem. From The Heart is also available in audio. You can listen to a preview at Amazon — it is awesome!

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

NOTE: This is not a cozy, feel-good book. It's a true story of extreme child abuse and the will to survive. Strong language, heart-wrenching content!

Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father...

The farther Daddy drove from Texas the more he began to relax. Finally seeing him smile, I decided to try and talk to him and sat up in the backseat. I needed to know if Mama was all right, and I also wanted to know when we’d go home.

He became furious the moment I asked about Mama and told me to never mention her name again. With fire in his eyes, he told me she didn’t love him, or me...

Back home - Mama was going out of her mind. She was scared that she’d never see me again, and as more and more time passed without hearing a word about me, out of grief she turned to alcohol as a means of escape…


Please visit my website to learn more about the bitter memories trilogy, and my poetry book, From The Heart, also based on events in my life, that includes short stories that inspired the writing of each poem. From The Heart is also available in audio, and you can also listen to a sample at Amazon — it is awesome!

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

NOTE: This is not a cozy, feel-good book. It's a true story of extreme child abuse and the will to survive. Strong language, heart-wrenching content!