Sue Julsen's Blog - Posts Tagged "sadness"

I was nine years old when I wrote my first poem, Why Mama?

My mother had been buried earlier that day, and I had so many thoughts; so many feelings running rampant. Not knowing how to quiet the noise inside my head, I grabbed pen and paper and just started writing whatever came to mind.

I hadn't cried since I'd been told of Mama's accidental death, but that night, when I'd finished writing, one lonely tear fell onto the page. The sadness that I couldn't share with another soul had gone down in black and white, and only then did the voices inside my head become silent...


Why Mama?

Mama, why did you go away?
I wanted to be with you
I wanted to make the hurt go away.

He told me you were dead
Then one day, you were there.
You said you looked for me for six years
You said you wanted to take me home with you.
So, why did you go away?

I never had a home
Then one day you were there.
You said, "Let's go back to Texas
That is your home, you know."

I remember the red dress
I looked for holes burned through
But there were none to find.
You were so pretty Mama
Why did you go away?

— Sue Julsen



My life before Mama's death helped inspire me to write my story. In upcoming blogs I'll tell a little more about what happened in my early life that led up to the writing of my memoir.


I believe: IF I FOLLOW MY DREAMS and DON'T QUIT, I will succeed...
And I won't quit until my story is in the homes of all my readers.


NOTE: Poem is copyright protected and may not be reproduced or copied in any form or by any means - graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or information storage and retrieval systems - without written permission of the author.

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

(Memoir) More on Poetry

Like I told you last time, my first poem was written when I was nine years old. That was a sad time in my life—as was most of my childhood—which I'll get into more later, but I continued to write poetry for many years.

My only problem was: if I wasn't depressed I couldn't write a word! Therefore, most of what I wrote was at the lowest points in my life, and when my depression lifted, I had to give up writing poetry.

Still, I believe, without this means of escape, my life would've been much worse.

After my mother died, I didn't have anyone to talk to. No one to tell my fears to...no one to tell me it would get better...no one to tell me in time the hurt would go away.

In a crowded room I really was all alone.
These were the words that poured out of me.




ALONE

I miss the time of being alone
Alone
To dream.
Alone
To wander.
To run through fields in my mind
To scream if need be.
Sitting by the fireplace
The blaze glowing
So bright and warm.
Letting my mind escape
Floating to the clouds
Bouncing from star to star
To visit the moon if I so desire.
To sit alone
With my own special dreams.
All the special moments
Only found
In being
Alone.

—Sue Julsen




NOTE: Poem is copyright protected and may not be reproduced or copied in any form or by any means - graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or information storage and retrieval systems - without written permission of the author.

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Dreams...

A new life of: Happiness and Health

A new life without: Fear or Pain or Sorrow

Who am I?

I am a survivor of child abuse…

I am the author of Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival. Although my story is heart-wrenching, it’s also a story of my fight for survival in a world of hunger, abuse and fear while on the run from the police and my family left behind after I was kidnapped by my father in the middle of the night. I was only three years old.

My story is an unnervingly gripping account of the extremes of neglect and mistreatment a child can undergo — and still survive. However, I didn’t do this alone. I had wonderful guardian angels to help me. I was so terrified from the abuse that I split into multiple personalities just to survive.

My book tells all. I didn’t hold back any feelings whatsoever, using “colorful” language that went right along with these feelings. Bitter Memories took 40+ years to write because the pain of remembering was so powerful, so overwhelming, I had to change my name in the book, like I was writing about someone else, not me, just so I could write my life story. Names of everyone involved were changed to protect the innocent—and the guilty.

My story was told to help other child abuse survivors know they are not alone. There are others who understand and won’t look down on them. By sharing my life story, other survivors can come forward and find a path toward healing their pain.

My dream is to help rid the world of child abuse. By survivors telling our stories, the horrors of this national epidemic can be changed. Together we can help protect our children and keep them safe.

Who am I?

I am a survivor with a dream…

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

I watch them. Strangers walking down the street, smiling and laughing, and I wonder: What was their life like growing up? Did they have a normal life? Did their parents love them; tell them they were wanted? Were they told they were, and are, cherished?

As children, did they easily fit in with other kids, or go out of their way trying to fit in? Did they succeed, or were they laughed at? In a crowd, did they slink into a corner trying to be invisible? Did they get beatings—or whippings—or just grounded? Were they told how useless they were and they never should’ve been born?

As adults, do they have self-confidence or are they intimidated easily? Are they afraid to voice an opinion? Afraid of being ridiculed? Afraid of doing something wrong?

While watching these seemingly normal, happy men and women I wonder: Are their smiles are fake? Are they laughing outside, but crying inside?

Thanks to my father running off with me, most of my life I cried inside while faking a smile. I felt alone. Unloved. Unwanted. I didn’t have a mother to confide in…to be my best friend. That dreadful night, as he drove away from the only home I’d ever known, I had no idea how much my life was about to change—forever.

Starting at age three, my life was filled with sorrow, neglect and abuse—a life no child should ever experience. Hurt time and again by people who claimed to love me, I grew up in the shadow of fear, uncertainty and hate. I lived life on the run, starving, abused and terrified. So terrified, in order to survive, I split into multiple personalities. This disassociation allowed me to detach from the abuse as if it was not happening to me.

The first disassociation was with Daddy, but the number of times and the duration increased over the years as the abuse escalated. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any worse, Daddy left me alone in the car for days while he went off with a woman. When he finally returned and told me he’d married her, I was devastated! I begged him to leave her, but he slapped me so hard I saw stars.

During the next two years, living with the evil stepmother, I found out just how bad things could get. She did awful things, but the worst—she sold me to her male friends for twenty bucks and a bottle of booze.

All my life I tried to run from myself. I tried to forget the horrible things that had happened, but I couldn’t. I’d been left with scars from so many bitter memories, voices in my head, and nightmares. Horrendous nightmares that I felt sure would haunt me for the rest of my life.

For years I always wondered if I’d be a better person today if I’d had a normal life? What is normal anyway?

I wonder how many adult survivors have asked themselves that question? I’ve asked for as long as I can remember, and I still don’t know. How could I? My life was as far from normal as it could possibly get.

Although unnerving, Bitter Memories is a gripping account of the extremes a child can undergo—and survive. Written from the heart, taking on a life of its own, I relived those memories of heartache, sadness, extreme hunger, and intense fear in hopes of helping other adult survivors find a path toward healing their “hidden” scars. My story deals with explosive topics that former child victims of mental, physical, and sexual violence will understand.

My life was a living hell, one of extreme worst. But it doesn’t take extreme to mess up a child’s head. It doesn’t take extreme to drive a child beyond the breaking point.

Without professional help to deal with abuse issues, long term effects include fear, anxiety, depression, anger, hostility, inappropriate sexual behavior, poor self esteem, tendency toward substance abuse and difficulty with close relationships.

Without help, abused kids continue to experience the trauma. Fear, insecurities, a sense of hopelessness prevents the child from living a happy, fulfilled life. Many times, as I did, victims relive their abuse in recurring nightmares.

Pain of abuse is so intense, yet victims feel they can’t talk to anyone about the abuse. They feel ashamed. They have low self esteem. In a crowd, they feel totally alone. Feelings of despair sets in; they believe the abuse was their fault; they’re being punished for being bad; life isn’t worth living. When this hidden pain inside becomes overwhelming, the victim is more likely to attempt suicide.

Child abuse, neglect and/or abduction are national epidemics. Sweeping it under the rug, or choosing to believe it doesn’t happen, won’t make it go away, nor does it change statistics: (1) Almost five children die daily from abuse in the United States. (2) Three million abuse reports—physical, emotional, sexual and/or neglect—are made every year. (3) It’s estimated nearly 10 million cases will go unreported. (4) It’s estimated 60 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse live in America today. (5) Girls are three times more likely to be sexually abused than boys, however, boys have a greater risk of emotional neglect and serious injury than girls.

It doesn’t matter how abuse is inflicted, it still leaves a lasting impression on the victim. Homes in which women are beaten are at greater risk of having abused children. Children abused, as much as they don’t want to, often subject their own children to abuse.

If you see, or even suspect a child is being abused, report it immediately. It would be better to be wrong, than to be right and do nothing, and you may help save a child from a lifetime of heartache.

All an abused child needs is a chance and an environment full of love and kindness to show them how truly important they are.

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

My newest book, From The Heart: A Collection of Poems and Stories, is available in Kindle and also as an audiobook.

The narrator is Beth MacEwan, and she did an awesome job of bringing life to this very special book that exposes feelings never shared before now.


Follow the link below to listen to a sample of From The Heart:

http://www.audible.com/pd/ref=det_twe...

Visit my website to see all of my books and to find out what's coming out soon:
http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father...

Still on the road, hungry and scared, I sleep very little. I pretend to be asleep, but I’m waiting for the chance to trick Daddy. And, in a very short time I became very good at tricking him…

Back home, when Mama came home from work, not finding me in my bed, she checked the house and the backyard. She couldn’t find me anywhere, and my grandparents also hadn’t seen me all morning. She became distraught and called her brother, Henry, a cop…


Please visit my website to learn more about the bitter memories trilogy, and my poetry book, From The Heart, also based on events in my life, that includes short stories that inspired the writing of each poem. From The Heart is also available in audio. You can listen to a preview at Amazon — it is awesome!

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

NOTE: This is not a cozy, feel-good book. It's a true story of extreme child abuse and the will to survive. Strong language, heart-wrenching content!

Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father...

The farther Daddy drove from Texas the more he began to relax. Finally seeing him smile, I decided to try and talk to him and sat up in the backseat. I needed to know if Mama was all right, and I also wanted to know when we’d go home.

He became furious the moment I asked about Mama and told me to never mention her name again. With fire in his eyes, he told me she didn’t love him, or me...

Back home - Mama was going out of her mind. She was scared that she’d never see me again, and as more and more time passed without hearing a word about me, out of grief she turned to alcohol as a means of escape…


Please visit my website to learn more about the bitter memories trilogy, and my poetry book, From The Heart, also based on events in my life, that includes short stories that inspired the writing of each poem. From The Heart is also available in audio, and you can also listen to a sample at Amazon — it is awesome!

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

NOTE: This is not a cozy, feel-good book. It's a true story of extreme child abuse and the will to survive. Strong language, heart-wrenching content!